Original subtitles

I can't believe we own this place. It's so beautiful.

I know, and it's ours.

So if we wanted, we could totally go

rock star and trash the place.

Yeah. You know, when we go to the condo board,

meet and greet, maybe don't talk.

What's with the space mask?

I needed to breathe at night. I have sleep apnea.

- Really? Since when? - Oh. A while.

Why didn't I know about it?

I swear, I hired a publicist

to get the word out.

It's butt-ug.

Yeah, that's what I told the publicist to lead with.

- What's with the air horn? - It's for protection.

I mean, we're two single women living alone.

If someone unwanted comes in

then we use it to scare them off.

You know what would work even better? This.

[laughs]

God, it's been so long

since we've lived under the same roof.

I know, I had just graduated from high school,

and you had too. Or so we thought.

Fooled ya.

God, remember how much we used to fight?

I know it's not going to be like that, is it?

Oh, no. It's so different now. We're adults.

And besides, we can't not get along.

I mean, we own the place. We're stuck together.

You're right. It'll be totally great.

- Yay! - Yay.

[laughs]

Oh, by the way, you need to get the hell out of here tonight.

- What? - I have a really good reason.

You know that bike rider that I sideswiped two weeks ago?

Good news. He's really cute.

Most of his scabs have healed most of the way.

Even better news, he's coming over tonight.

Farrah, do you know why

I took all of my money and bought this condo

so that I'd have a shelter to sleep in every night.

Every single night? We never discussed that.

Why can't you go to this guy's place?

- He has a roommate. - So do you.

You know what? In the time we've lived together,

have I asked for much?

It's been ten minutes.

[theme song]

? Our sister Sister Hey sister ?

? Come on let's rock the boat ?

? Where you're tryin' to be on the ground ?

? Now let's all cheero ?

? Whoa-oh-oh-oh! ?

? Whoa-oh-oh-oh! ?

? Oh hey sister don't you wanna rock the boat? ?

? Whoa-oh-oh-oh! ??

[instrumental music]

Why can't I have the apartment tonight?

What are you gonna do there that's so important?

Oh, I don't know. Sleep.

Just do it at work like I do.

Hey, Mitchee. Farrah.

These are for you. Happy home.

Oh. Thanks, mommy.

Wait, why do you get them?

So I can put them in my bedroom where

they'll have a chance of being seen.

Yeah, by every guy in the city

who could scrape together enough money

to buy two cosmopolitans.

- Give me those. - No, no.

Glad I didn't get 'em a puppy.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

And I can't wait to see that on the air. Bye-bye.

Who were you talking to?

Stu Siden, the consumer reporter for channel eight.

That restaurant is going to pay for what they did

to me last night.

Honey, nobody forced you to drink

19 glasses of iced tea.

When a waitress offers you a refill,

you assume it's free. It's an outrage.

Why can't you just let these things go?

You made a fool out of yourself in front of the Nussbaum's.

Was I a fool to stand up against injustice?

No. Because you stood up and ran

to the bathroom every four minutes.

Well, in my defense, only half of those were to pee.

The other times were to get away from Barbara Nussbaum's

boring stories about her foot problems.

Well, you know what? She is not as boring as you think.

Do you know what she and Sheldon did last night after dinner?

Got into it again about the difference

between bunions and corns.

No, they went to the video store and rented an adult film.

I think we should do that.

Oh, no, Lee, you know I can't do that.

Come on, Alan, watching one of those movies would be fun.

Yes, watching would be fun,

but getting it would be excruciating.

It'll mean eye contact with a live person

who then will know that I'm a dirty, dirty man.

What do you care what other people think?

I don't like to be judged.

Believe me, if there was some sort of

anonymous pornography dispenser

you couldn't keep me away with a taser.

You could download it from the internet.

No, you have to use a credit card.

And the second you do, everyone at Mastercard

knows you're a perv.

Alan, I say this with love. You are a freak.

Why, because I don't want everyone at Mastercard

to know I'm a dirty, dirty man?

Look, we'll go together, we'll pay cash

and I'll do all the talking.

I guess that could work.

Believe me, I will make it worth your while.

[laughs] I bet you will.

Wait. With sex. Right?

[instrumental music]

(Farrah) 'Corey! Your scar is so cool.'

'Is that when I hit you with my car?'

(Corey) 'Yeah. Check this out.'

(Farrah) 'Oh, my God, it's smiling at me.'

'Can it talk?'

(Corey) 'If you kiss it, it'll say thank you.'

(Farrah) 'Liar.'

(Corey) 'Hey, do you want me to teach you how to wrestle?'

(Farrah) 'You're like a mind reader.'

(Corey) 'Oh, we need more space.'

Okay.

You want to be on the bottom or the top?

Wait. I thought we were wrestling first.

You start on the bottom like this. Right.

[Corey chuckles]

And I set out like this.

Now, the object is not to get pinned.

(Farrah) 'You can't pin me.'

Oh, yeah. State champion. Two years in a row.

Oh, yeah? Well, you have to catch me first.

Oh.

Come on, Soho. Oh, come on, come on.

I got you, I got you.

[laughter]

[blows horn]

What the hell was that?

It means visiting hours are over.

Mitchee, you can't-

[blows horn]

Um, maybe I should go.

No, Corey-

[blows horn]

It's okay. I'll give you a call.

No, Corey-

[blows horn]

I'm going.

Mitchee, you are such a-

[blows horn]

You ruined my chances of getting-

[blows horn]

Night.

[instrumental music]

What are you doing? Come on.

I'm just being careful.

I don't want to draw attention to myself.

Wow, he is so cute.

His wife is really, really lucky.

Will you just take off the stupid disguise, Alan?

What did I say?

Can you take off the stupid disguise, Ramon?

- Let's just get it and go. - Okay.

Um, hi.

Can you tell me where the adult section-

Denise.

The last thing I want is for someone

to know that we are getting a dirty movie.

You guys need porn?

Through the beads.

Pick something out. I'll wait here.

Now, Denise..

...get something racially diverse.

Alan Arnold.

Mrs. Gillespie.

I haven't seen you since you left for college.

So how are you?

Fine. I'm just, uh, here looking for some good,

wholesome entertainment.

It's not like I'm in the adult section.

[laughs]

Hey, okay, I've got "Booty Booty Gang Bang"

and "Moo Shu Porkers three."

Stop talking to me, you dirty stranger.

Do you think "Moo Shu Porkers Three" will make sense

if we haven't seen the first two?

Oh, hello.

Hey, have you seen either of these?

No?

[instrumental music]

[laughter]

What's so funny?

Farrah, how could you do that?

That's for the air horn.

Yeah. This isn't over.

- Be afraid. - Hello? We all are.

[instrumental music]

Yeah. Sorry about the picture thing.

That was really mean of Farrah.

- You were laughing. - No I wasn't.

[laughs]

It's okay. Farrah is not the only one with a camera.

I'm gonna go take a picture of her tonight

while she's sleeping.

You mean like this one

from the new catalog?

Okay, fine. I'll think of something else.

Good luck with that.

Could I have this?

Get out, Bob.

Even though the owner of Sorrentino's found it

hard to believe that a normal man could drink 19 iced teas,

he agreed that their refill policy was deceptive.

So Sorrentino's bar and grill

shame, shame. Everyone knows your name.

You see that? I was treated wrongly.

I said something about it and something was done.

It's empowering. I feel like I can do anything.

Good. Then let's go to the video store and return this.

Oh, God. No, no, no, no, just put that away.

What if someone sees it?

Oh, see you guys rented "Good Will Humping," huh?

- No, we did not. - Well, we tried to.

But instead they gave us "Good Will Hunting."

It wasn't very arousing watching Matt Damon do math, was it Alan?

Lee, I don't know what you're talking about.

And I don't know where you got that filth.

She does a lot of crazy things without me.

Oh, by the way, if you're looking for Matt Damon

porn knockoffs, for my money,

you can't beat "The Bone Identity."

Bob, will you write that down, Alan?

I want to see that one.

Lee, please, let's just put the whole porn episode behind us.

It-it didn't work out. Let's just leave it at that.

But I still want us to watch a movie together.

I mean, Barbara Nussbaum

said that it absolutely drove her wild.

She did things to Sheldon that made his comb over curl.

You make a very persuasive argument. Let's go.

[instrumental music]

Okay. New round.

Wait. I'm hungry. Let's go get some pizza.

- Pizza? - No, we can't go now.

The only reason I invited you guys over was to annoy Farrah.

Lucky for me, I already have low self-esteem.

- Come on, I'll give the clues. - And go.

Okay. Uh, this is a guy who invented alternating current.

(all) Nikola Tesla.

(Mitchee) 'Okay.'

What's going on?

Oh, me and my friends are playing celebrity

loudly and for as late as we want.

But I'm having people over tonight.

Oh, that's right.

The thing is, I don't give a crap.

Mitchee, what am I supposed to do?

There are people coming over here, and there's a nerd

herd in my living room.

Farrah!

That is not a nice way to talk about these people.

You and your friend are just going to have to go

elsewhere because we are hanging out here. Too bad.

[instrumental music at party]

Okay. New round. Claudia. Your turn.

Should we wait for Sanjay to get back?

Sanjay is dead to me.

(all) Sanjay! Sanjay! Sanjay!

I want to go to the party.

Uh, sorry. You can't.

- Claudia, go. - Okay.

Spanish explorer.

- What? - Spanish explorer.

Manish ex-whore?

Well, is it Anna Nicole Smith?

- What? - Oh, I've had it.

[music stops]

(all) Oh.

- Mitchee! - Dude! You suck!

Okay. Party's over. Everybody out.

- Oh. - No.

No, no, no, no, no. Nobody's leaving.

It's my apartment and I want them to stay.

It's my apartment and I want them to go.

You are such a freaking wet blanket.

And you were such a self centered inconsiderate child.

Well, you're impossible. It's even worse than when we were 16.

Well, you're in a room full of drunk guys in their 30s.

It's exactly like when we were 16.

You know what? I don't know why I thought I could live with you.

I don't know why I thought I could live with you.

It's like I mad a huge mistake.

Oh, well. Two, if you cut that sweater vest.

That's it. In the morning, we're selling this place.

[doors slam]

- Maybe we should go. - Speak for yourself.

My mother's not picking me up for another 45 minutes.

- Hey! - Whoo-hoo!

[instrumental music]

Hi. Um, we were here yesterday,

and we rented "Good Will Humping."

- But the wrong DVD was in case. - So?

Well, so we'd like the right one.

Yeah, fine. I'll switch it for you.

That'll be 399.

Al... Ramone.

I need 399.

- Why? - Because the man said so.

Hi. I don't think you understand.

Uh, we just want to do an exchange.

Sorry. Store policy.

- It's not our fault. - It's nobody's fault.

Yes it is. It's your fault.

Can't you read?

Well, he's got us.

Just pay the man the 399.

No, he doesn't got us.

Putting up a sign doesn't give someone

the right to do whatever they want.

Uh, I think it does.

Oh, really?

And what if I had a sign that said

I was the king of San Francisco?

Then I'd say you could afford the 399.

That is not the point.

Look, buddy, I didn't make the sign.

Of course not.

Because if you made the sign

it wouldn't have magical powers.

(Lee) 'Let's just pay him the money and get out of here.'

No, Lee, this is about the principle.

I paid for "Good Will Humping."

I want "Good Will Humping."

Give me "Good Will Humping."

It's for my Uncle Moe.

He's a bedridden pervert.

It's very sad.

Hey, do you have "The Bone Identity?"

[instrumental music]

Mitchee. Mitchee, wake up.

[gasps]

Oh my God, are you trying to kill me?

No, Mitchee, there's something in the living room.

Ah! There's nothing in the living room.

Farrah, go back to sleep.

Mitchee, I'm scared. There's something out there.

Oh my God, I heard that.

- Where's my air horn? - It's in the living room.

- Go get it. - No, you go get it.

Oh, my God, Mitchee, I'm gonna die!

And I'm not even wearing underwear.

Oh, you don't sleep in underwear?

- You do? - This is San Francisco.

What if there's an earthquake and I have to run outside?

And who are they going to pull out of the rubble first?

The girl with no underwear.

My God, it's right outside the door.

Mitchee.

I just want you to know

that there's nobody I'd rather die with than you.

- Really? - Yeah.

I'm sorry about everything.

- Me too. I love you. - I love you, too.

- Goodbye. - Goodbye.

[screams]

Excuse me.

Do you have any aspirin?

My head is spinning like a particle accelerator.

Sanjay, what are you still doing here?

I passed out behind your couch. Did my mother call?

Oh, no. Did you check your cell phone?

Oh, boy, 12 missed calls.

There's going to be hell to pay at my house.

Man, you were scared.

Me? You jumped in my bed like Heath ledger was in it.

Oh, yeah, and you dug your nails

into my back like I was Albert Einstein.

Yes. I'm smart, thus, that's my fantasy.

So Mitchee, about this place, we can make it work, right?

Totally. I mean, we're just being stupid.

We're just so different from each other.

We need to respect that.

You're right. I promise the next time

I have a guy over, I'll be more considerate.

Thank you and I promise

when I have a guy over, I'll be-

[laughs] Oh, Mitchee

you always did make me laugh.

[laughs]

[instrumental music]

Alan, come watch.

Girls you are about to see what makes this country great.

TV. Yay!

That "Shame, shame" guy is on.

Oh, who's he going to stick it to today?

I saw one the other day where some idiot

drank so much iced tea he nearly killed himself.

He was arguing the principle.

We received an anonymous call

about deceptive practices at Monty's video.

It wasn't anonymous. It was me.

I just didn't give him my name.

But when I confronted the people at Monty's video

they weren't very cooperative.

We're here with Val Papadakis.

Val, tell us about it.

But that didn't stop me because as we know

injustice isn't righted by people who cut and run.

'I uncovered this security camera video of one man'

'who stood up to their underhanded ways.'

I paid for "Good Will Humping."

I want "Good Will Humping."

Give me "Good Will Humping."

Dad. Oh, my God.

Does that guy love his porn or what?

Daddy, you're on TV. That's so cool.

Yes, it's my proudest moment.

See, Alan, you taught me to fight for what's right

and I did.

Well done, Lee.

[theme music]

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0