Original subtitles

Oh, my God!

Ginger Dunwoody died!

Oh, I'm so sorry.

No, this is great!

Was she the woman who cut your hair?

No, I've never even met her.

She lives in the Arbogast building.

The Arbogast building.

My favorite building in San Francisco?

- You have a favorite building? - Yeah, don't you?

No, I have a sex life.

Ugh, I've always dreamed of living in this building.

And now that Ginger Dunwoody is dead

what does that make her apartment?

Haunted?

No.

Available. Who am I kidding?

By the time it's listed, there'll be like

a thousand people ahead of me.

Don't wait till it's listed.

There's a memorial service at her apartment.

Let's go check it out.

Can't just barge in on some memorial service

for an old lady we don't even know.

Why? She doesn't know that we don't know her.

She's dead.

That doesn't make any sense.

And yet, I'm sold.

[theme song]

? Oh sister sister hey sister ?

? Come on let's rock the boat ?

? When you're tryin' to be on the ground ?

? Now let's all cheero ?

? Whoa-oh-oh-oh! ?

? Whoa-oh-oh-oh! ?

? Oh hey sister don't you wanna rock the boat? ?

? Whoa-oh-oh-oh! ??

[instrumental music]

My God, would you look at this place? It's gorgeous.

I don't know, it's kind of dark.

Oh, wow, there are people here.

I'm gonna go look around.

But remember, this is a sad, solemn occasion

so let's not make a mockery of it.

Holy crap, look at that view.

Wait, wait, wait, what's my story?

Why am I here? Who am I?

Relax, no one's gonna ask who you are.

Hi, who are you?

What are you getting at? I knew Ginger.

Maybe the real question is, who are you?

- I'm her grandson. - Oh, pretty convenient.

The one person who could confirm that is gone.

My mom and dad are right over there

with about a dozen of my relatives.

Oh, hi, I'm Farrah.

Very sorry. So sad.

Very sad.

I'm Jason.

I'm Farrah.

- So you from around here? - Uh, no, Cleveland.

Oh, so what brings you to town?

My grandmother died.

Oh, right.

- Hi. - Hi.

Have we met? I'm Jason.

Oh, I'm, uh, Missy Golly Foilstein.

So how did you know my grandmother?

Uh, we were old friends.

We used to just spend hours here

in her apartment just chatting away.

- The sitting room? - There's a sitting room?

Holy crap.

Would you excuse us?

Oh, my God, this place is unbelievable.

I mean, there's a jacuzzi in the bathroom.

All I have to do is ditch the old bag handrails

and I'm styling.

I have got to have this apartment.

Okay, so ask Jason how much they want for it.

He's her grandson. He may know.

Okay, that's good. I'll pump him.

Hey, I saw him first.

[upbeat music]

[door opens]

Hello, Neil.

You are a silly man.

- Help me pick this stuff up. - What's going on?

Oh, it's our anniversary

and I'm trying to find the gifts that Lee got me.

Why?

Because we agreed to a strict

$50 limit and now she says

she went just a touch over.

So?

So it's very important to her

that our gifts say that we are totally in sync.

That we are two minds that think alike.

- Well, what'd you get her? - A brass doorknocker.

I had it engraved. It says "The Arnolds."

Someone's getting laid on their anniversary.

And hint, it's not you.

I've got to find whatever she got me

a-and see how much she spent.

I know it's not in the girl's office

'cause that's where I hid mine.

Try the credenza.

How did you-

Because she asked me to hide it.

So why didn't you say so?

Why does anyone do what they do?

[gasps] Oh, my God.

What is it?

It's a first edition

of "The Naked and the Dead" with dust cover.

[gasps] This is just what I always wanted.

Damn it to hell!

This thing is worth $3,000.

Relax. You got her a doorknocker.

(Lee) 'Alan.'

Have you seen my purse?

[humming]

(both) No, thank you.

Well, I'm gonna go to lunch.

- Bye. - Bye-bye.

What am I gonna do? Neil, I need your help.

I have got to get Lee a $3,000 present

with real meaning by the end of the day.

How about a donation to charity?

Stop wasting time!

[upbeat music]

Neil, can you help me embezzle a couple

hundred thousand dollars?

Sure. First, we need to get you some blank invoice forms.

- I was kidding. - Oh.

Me, too.

- What is it? - You know that condo I love?

There's no way I can afford it unless

I get somebody to buy it with me.

- What about Farrah? - Yeah, right.

Okay, then someone else.

Let's see. A roommate.

Probably want a woman about your age with money.

Mm-hmm.

What about Farrah?

I'd rather live with Courtney Love's test results.

You know what? I-I thought about it.

I just don't think I want to live with Farrah again.

Sounds to me like if you really want this condo

that Farrah's your only hope.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe living with her wouldn't

be the worst thing that ever

happened in human history.

No, there's the plague.

And vanilla coke. Blech.

Wait a minute. Did Farrah even like the place?

Yeah. She was crazy about it.

You know what? Maybe you're right.

I mean, we've done this before. We can do it again.

And she'll be so excited about it.

And it'll be so nice to give to her.

Watch. She'll jump on me like a hyper puppy.

Guttentag.

Farrah, you are gonna love this.

It turns out that I can't afford that condo on my own.

So I think you should go in on it with me.

Mm, no thanks.

I'll get the invoice forms.

You start practicing your father's signature.

[upbeat music]

Okay. You like the condo, right?

Yeah, totally rocked.

Then why won't you buy it with me?

It makes much more sense than throwing

your money away on rent.

Maybe I like throwing my money

away on rent.

But when you own a home, you're accruing equity

and offsetting a sizable tax liability.

Maybe I don't know what any of those words mean.

Look, Farrah, think about how-

No, Mitchee, no!

What is Farrah's problem?

Why won't she buy this condo with me?

Maybe she just doesn't want to.

No, she's stubborn and short-sighted and petty

and spiteful and mean.

Why wouldn't someone wanna live with me?

Well, um..

Sometimes you can be a little judgmental.

[scoffs] That's ridiculous. When?

You can be a tad demanding.

I said tell me when!

If it came down to one thing, though

it would have to be how controlling you are.

Ooh, and Farrah hates that.

That's gotta be it.

Thanks.

You know what? I think you think I'm too controlling.

Totally.

Well, then I have good news.

It turns out I'm not controlling at all.

Yeah, right, Mitchee.

And Neil's not gay.

O-okay, so maybe I was controlling in the past

but I've changed.

No, you haven't, Mitchee.

A zebra can't change its spots.

Uh, a leopard.

Or zebra, whatever you want, your call.

It's time to start the staff meeting.

Oh, we'll be in in a minute.

I warmed them up by doing my imitation of Tara Lipinski

spinning her way to gold at the '98 Olympics.

Shh! Shh!

Shh! Shh!

All right, how can I prove to you that I'm not bossy

controlling, or overbearing?

How about you let me run the staff meeting?

Sure, sounds fun.

[scoffs] You are about to see a leopard change its spots.

Zebra.

Well, the expression is leopard.

I know it is. Just say zebra.

You are about to see a zebra change its spots.

Thank you.

Leopard, leopard, leopard.

Okay, welcome to the first Monday of the month meeting.

We're gonna do things a little differently today

because as all of you know, I am not a controlling person.

So Farrah is going to lead the meeting by herself today.

I give you Farrah.

Thanks, Mitchee.

Okay, first item of business.

Who thinks my hair is cute like this?

And who thinks I should get it cut?

I think you should cut it about 36%.

Oh, my God, I just realized that's how much

we need to cut the travel budget.

Nah, I think I'll keep it like this.

Okay, now, new idea.

I was thinking for our new padded bra line

we put in a voice chip.

So when the guy unhooks it, it says

"Ha ha, fooled ya."

Oh, look.

Here's an agenda for the meeting in case

someone running it needs one.

No, I've got another one.

Glow-in-the-dark panties.

You know...just in case you have to find 'em

and get out before dawn.

Yeah, well, great, meeting done.

In fact, you know what? It's already 1:30.

Why don't we all just call it a day? Go home.

[indistinct chatter]

- You did it. - I did, didn't I?

Let's go to that condo and put in an offer.

Mm... Nah.

What? Why?

Don't get me wrong, you did great, Mitchee.

And that was the most enjoyable any of these meetings

have ever been for me but the reason I don't want to live

with you is not because you're too controlling.

Well, then what is it?

It's because I don't appreciate

being used.

What are you talking about?

Mitchee, you don't want me to live with you.

You just need me to.

No, of course I want you to.

No, you can't afford it on your own

and to you, I'm just half of your down payment

so you can have your dream house and start accusing equity.

No, Farrah, I'm sorry.

I-I really want you to live with me.

- Sorry. Too little, too late. - But I-

- Too little. - Wait, but you-

Too late.

[upbeat music]

I need a 30th anniversary gift

for my wife.

What did you have in mind?

Well, ideally, uh, something

that says we are the perfect

union of two intertwined souls.

And it has to cost exactly $3,000.

Well, what kind of statement did you wanna make?

Your husband spent $3,000.

Touching.

Look, uh, I don't know anything about this stuff.

I-it's just gotta cost as much as the first edition

book she bought me.

Okay, well, why don't we start over here?

Oh. How much is it?

Eighteen-hundred dollars.

Mm, and, uh, how high are you willing to go?

I can't sell it for more than $2,100.

Uh, how about this necklace?

Oh, that's on sale for 2,200.

Any chance you could make the sale go away?

Sure, 2,600.

Eh, it's not gonna cut it.

- How about this watch? - Twenty eight.

[whistles] It's a little poor for my blood.

- Okay, for you, 3,000. - Wrap it.

[upbeat music]

A present.

Yay.

[clicks tongue]

The Arnolds.

[clinking]

Oh, Mitchee, you do care.

It's cold.

[sighs]

Hey.

Where have you been?

Getting the perfect gift

to show how much I love my honey.

Oh.

Oh.

[gasps]

Oh, Alan, it's beautiful.

[gasps]

Did you go over our limit?

Just a touch.

[chuckles] But I have a feeling when I get

my gift, it'll be alright.

Oh.

[chuckles]

[gasps] Oh, you didn't.

"The Naked and the Dead", I love this book.

I know you do.

[giggling]

- Oh.. - And look.

Surprise.

You've cut a great big hole in all of the pages.

Why would you do such a thing?

To fool you.

[laughs]

Go ahead, open the hole.

[rustling]

It's a sports watch.

I hate sports.

Yeah, but you love time.

And not only is-is the watch waterproof

but the plastic wristband is, too.

So what was once a mint-conditioned volume

of an American classic, of which only 12 remain

in the world, is now a box.

Can I throw out the wrapping paper

or are these the Dead Sea Scrolls?

Alan, it's a fake.

See? I'm not stupid.

"George Carlin's Brain Droppings."

Yeah.

It only cost four bucks.

Bringing the grand total to $52.99.

But you win a touch-over, too, so we're even.

Yes, we are.

And we both got each other watches.

We are so in sync.

Happy anniversary, dear.

Happy anniversary.

Oh, Alan, are you crying?

Just a touch.

[up-tempo music]

Well, I'm sorry it didn't work out, Missy.

Oh, actually, it's Mitchee.

Oh.

Is it still Golly Foilstein?

Yeah, yeah.

Uh..

Uh, I'm sorry it didn't work out, too.

Yeah, but thanks for coming' by. I'll go call the lawyer.

(Mitchee) Alright.

Hi.

Farrah, what're you doing here?

Mitchee, I'm in. I want to buy it with you.

What?

Yeah, I know that you want me

and I want you, too, and we're gonna have so much fun.

It's totally gonna rock.

Oh, my God, this is fantastic.

- Oh, hi. What's going on? - We want it.

Great. I'll go call the lawyer.

Wait, so what made you change your mind?

I got the knocker.

What's that?

- You know. You got it for me. - No, I didn't.

But this is how I knew that you wanted me.

If you didn't get this for me, then

I don't know that you want me.

Congratulations.

Sorry, we're not interested.

[clicking tongue] You know who I haven't spoken to in a while?

The lawyer.

Wait, Farrah.

You know what? It's true.

I didn't want you at first.

I wanted this place by myself

and if I could have afforded it, I would have gotten it.

Go on.

You'd think, then, my reaction

when you just came in and said, "I'm in"

would have been, "Yay, I'm gonna get my place."

But it wasn't.

It was, "Yay, I'm gonna get to live with my sister."

It doesn't quite make sense to me, but it's true.

Dude, we're back in.

Thank you so much, Farrah. This is gonna be so great.

Come on, give me some sister love.

Wait, what about the knocker?

Not everything has to touch when we hug.

- No, this. - Oh.

If you didn't give it to me, where did it come from?

I don't know.

That's weird.

Although, I do have an idea of what we can do with it.

I love it.

Happy anniversary, mommy and daddy.

Wow, you girls must have gone to a great deal

of trouble to find this.

And Daddy, look, it's engraved.

I'm aware of that, sweetie.

[clinking]

So do you guys want to go get a drink

to celebrate your anniversary in our new condo?

Isn't it a little early for that?

- It's after five. - Really?

This watch you got me keeps stopping.

- It does? - Yeah.

Ever since I got it wet when I washed my hands.

You know, you could have spent an extra

couple of bucks and gotten me a waterproof one.

[clanking]

Nope.

Oh, and a couple of the rhinestones fell out.

[upbeat music]

[theme music]

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