Original subtitles

[door opens]

Hello, loyal subject.

Is that your crown from the prom?

Yes. After ten years, it still fits. Can you believe it?

I was just checking the e-vites for the reunion

and it seems like there's gonna be a big crowd.

Well, there's one person I'm especially dying to see.

Me, too. I have one person, too.

(both) Danny Curry. What? Wait, I get Danny Curry.

(both) No, I get Danny Curry. No, I get Danny Curry!

Stop!

Why would you wanna see Danny Curry?

He always thought you were shallow.

That's why I wanna see him, to prove to him

that I'm not shallow anymore.

That is, if he's still cute and has a cool car.

Yeah, well, good luck with that.

Besides, maybe he thought I was shallow

but at least he knew I was alive.

He never even knew you existed.

That is so not true, we were in AP biology together

and one day we were dissecting a fetal pig

and our hands touched and we totally had a moment.

Well, despite your moment with the fetal pig

what makes you think he's gonna notice you tonight?

Because it's not high school anymore.

I'm a lot more confident

in my ability to attract a man.

Please, just let me have him. I'll give you money.

[theme song]

? Oh sister sister hey sister ?

? Come on let's rock the boat ?

? When you're tryin' to be on the ground ?

? Now let's all cheero ?

? Whoa-oh-oh-oh ?

? Whoa-oh-oh-oh ?

? Oh hey sister don't you wanna rock the boat? ?

? Whoa-oh-oh-oh ??

[indistinct chatter]

Okay. Ready? Here's the clue.

Headboard.

Handcuffs.

Sleep.

- Bed. - Yes. Yes. Yes!

- Okay. Next word. - No, no. Alan, stop.

We have been practicing forever.

I have not had to think this hard

since we got the new area code.

Come on, Lee, we can't stop now.

We may have finally found something

we can beat the Wechslers at.

Why is it so important to you to beat Ira at something?

Because..

Is it because he's two feet

taller than you?

No.

Is it because his hair is so much more full

and luxurious than yours?

[elevator bell dings]

No.

Is it because his golf swing

is fluid and beautiful

and yours looks like you're gonna have a seizure?

No. No, no, no!

- Well, then, what is it? - Well..

It's because when you and I were thinking about separating

I confided that to him.

And ever since, he's been on a mission to prove to me

how much better their marriage is than ours.

And you really think that by beating them

at this silly game is gonna prove something?

Yes, it'll prove that there is at least one thing

I am better at than that smug, obnoxious creep

and his kissy-face wife.

Well, if you really feel that way

then we shouldn't have them over at all.

Don't be silly, Lee.

They're our oldest and dearest friends.

[instrumental music]

Excuse me, I'd like to apply for the job of underwear inspector.

[laughs]

- Eric Wiener! Oh, my God! - Oh..

- What are you doing here? - I'm in town for the reunion.

Is this okay, me just showing up like this?

Of course it is, Knob Job.

[laughs] Well, nobody calls me Knob Job anymore, Battlestar Sarcastica.

[both laughing]

- Sit down. - Oh.

God, it's been years. What's going on?

Well, my skin cleared up.

- Ah. I see. - Hm.

It was an epic struggle, but the forces of Accutane prevailed.

And you, Mitchee, you look fantastic.

Thank you. God, I hope Danny Curry thinks so.

- You still like him. - Well, we had a moment.

No, you didn't.

You weren't there. You were probably stuffed in some locker.

Yeah. Chances are.

Great memories. It's good.

So, are you really present in this whole outfit?

- That's what they tell me. - Wow!

What have you been up to?

Well, actually, I'm a writer.

You're kidding. That's great! What have you written?

Oh, just this book. It's this sort of self-help thing.

- What's it called? - No, no. You'll judge.

No, no, I won't, I promise. What's this book you wrote?

It's called "A Geek's Guide To Getting Hot Women."

I wrote a book, too, it's called

"A Black Woman's Guide To Rodeo."

Yeah.

I'm serious, I know this may be hard to believe

but I've turned seducing women into a science.

You're right. That is hard to believe.

Look, I'm telling you, it is so simple.

To get women, all you have to do is come across

as the most confident guy in the world.

Right. But you're not.

You know that and I know that, but the targets don't.

- Targets? - It's catchy. Huh?

That's my way of dehumanizing them.

So it just makes them less intimidating.

Look, uh, look, there's three basic techniques.

Approach on an angle, actively ignore and mildly insult.

Okay. What do you mean approach on an angle?

Okay. Never approach your target from behind. That's too creepy.

Directly from the front, too confrontational.

The ideal angle for approaching your target

pop, is ten o'clock.

- Stop saying target. - Okay.

Uh, we'll have it your way.

Victim. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

- About the whole thing? - No. I'm serious.

It's a real book. It's doing very well.

It's flying off the shelves at the MIT bookstore.

I'm telling you, I can get any woman I want.

- Bonjour. - Mm-hmm.

- Not in a million years. - Oh. You'll see.

Hey, Farrah. Remember me?

Sure, you're the guy from the place..

...with the head.

Looks good.

No. Farrah, this is Eric from high school.

Um, sorry, dude. Drawing a blank.

Wow. You are so in.

[mumbles]

Well, look at that. That's, that's pretty.

So, Farrah, think again.

- You do remember me. Yeah. - I do?

- And you've got great hair. - Oh. Thank you.

If you had a better haircut, it would really show it off.

- Eric, that's mildly insulting. - Mm-hmm.

Wait, where are you going? Nobody actively ignores me.

[instrumental music]

So we're both presidents, but Mitchee is more hands-on

and I'm more like, "Hey, good job, Mitchee."

What kind of perfume do you wear?

It's just a little something

Antonio Banderas cooked up.

Really?

I guess it smells different in other women.

More Latin and smoldering?

- You know, maybe I'm wrong. - Smell me again.

[sniffing]

- It's very nice. - Mm.

My mistake.

Well, I gotta go.

- So- - Wait, where are you going?

I haven't finished telling my story.

Right, we should talk more, why

don't you go to the reunion with me?

Um, um..

You know what? That's a great idea.

Great. I'll give you a call later.

- Oh, wait. - What?

There's a good chance I might forget.

- Then I'll call you. - You're a problem-solver.

I like that.

- Hey, Mitchee. Guess what? - What?

Eric and I are going to the reunion.

- Together. - Really?

Coming soon in paperback to a bookstore near you.

See you later.

[instrumental music]

So anyway, we're sailing to Greece

and we stopped at this little island

off the coast of Sardinia.

Have you ever been to that private little island?

- Mm. - No.

Oh, that's right, you haven't traveled much this year.

Well, we've done our share of boating. Right, Lee?

Yeah, we went on that booze cruise with your mother.

Thank you, Lee.

Well, anyway, you'll have to go sometime.

It's very, um, invigorating.

I know I was invigorated.

- Oh, yes, you were. - Aha!

[chuckling]

[laughs] Yes, we get it.

Invigorated. Code for sex.

Oh!

[chuckles]

So, uh

anyone ready to play a little password?

Well, that depends, Alan. You ready to lose?

[chuckles]

Booze cruise, huh?

Yeah. We didn't get very invigorated.

My mother-in-law was in the top bunk.

Mm. Hot.

[instrumental music]

- Milk. - Cow.

- Beach. - Towel.

- Ding-ding-ding. Ha-ha-ha.. - Ah!

Milk. How did you get milk from towel?

I panicked.

Okay. Let's see.

That's, uh, game eight to the Wechslers

bringing the grand total-

Eight to zero. Got it.

You guys wanna change up the teams?

No, we're gonna keep playing until we beat you.

Well, Alan, I'm not sure we can wait that long.

We're going to a spa in three weeks.

Yeah, it's the anniversary of the first day we met.

- Oh, darling. Oh, what a. . - Ah, that is so sweet.

Let's play.

I spilled a little coffee. I'm just gonna get a towel.

Uh, speaking of towels, why don't you get some milk

while you're at it?

[instrumental music]

(together) Seven, eight, nine

ten, eleven, twelve.

- Done. - Ha-ha-ha..

Take that, bitches!

[laughing]

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, guys, you remember my date, Farrah Arnold?

Deep breaths.

Close your mouths.

Now count to pi.

So, should I get us a drink?

- Sure. Vodka rocks. - Doesn't it?

- Oh, right. - Right.

Hey, come here.

Danny Curry in the house.

Oh, my God. I'm gonna go talk-

No, wait, wait, wait, wait, if you want Danny Curry

I'll teach you how to get Danny Curry.

I don't need that crap.

I'm a successful, confident person.

I mean, I'm president of a company.

I've-I've traveled all over.

I can say hello in Mandarin.

Fine. Good luck.

Ni hao.

Danny, hey.

Hey!

Seen any fetal pigs lately?

No. Heh. Why would I?

- Oh, just- - Yo, Sully!

How have you been, man?

I think it's time to say Ni hao to my book. Let's go.

[instrumental music]

[upbeat music on stereo]

[indistinct chatter]

Okay. Now remember, confidence is key.

You're the prize, not him. Now go.

And don't forget to approach him at a ten o'clock angle, okay?

[indistinct chatter]

Okay, see you.

[music continues]

What the hell are you doing?

Just hanging out, catching up with my peeps.

Doing the reunion thing.

Good for you.

So I-I don't know if you remember, Danny.

We were in AP biology together.

- Oh, my God! - Oh, you do remember.

Is that Farrah Arnold with Eric Wiener?

Yeah, they're here together. A couple. Real close.

And no reason to talk to her. She's not available.

- Huh? - You know..

I-I have my own company now.

- I'm president. - Liebowitz. What up?

[music continues]

- Hey, how'd it go? - It's not working.

I-I made a complete ass of myself.

Okay. Shh. This is not a problem, okay?

To throw him off balance, just say something mildly insulting.

- Okay, I can do that. - Okay? Right.

So, Danny

what have you been doing since high school?

I do medical research. I'm working on a grant, actually-

You're not as cute as you used to be and you smell kind of bad.

What is wrong with you? Leave me alone.

But I'm the prize. I am the prize!

Why can't you see that I'm the prize?

Excuse me. I think the prize needs a cocktail.

Mm.

It's a tough one. Ahem.

- Eggshells. - Highway.

- Yes! Now give me some sugar. - Oh!

[both laughing]

Don't be discouraged, Alan, playing with better players

only makes you better.

Thanks for the tip.

Lee, could I see you in private, please?

Oh, no, no, no, you stay here.

We need a little bathroom break anyway.

- Heh-heh. - Aw, so cute.

They've been married all those years

and they still go to the bathroom together.

Yeah. Adorable.

Lee, they are cheating, and I am gonna call them on it.

- You're being ridiculous. - 'No.'

He keeps doing this thing with his wrist

where he flicks it and he shows her the card.

That's how she knows the word.

Alan, why can't you just accept the fact

that the Wechslers are connected?

They are like two hearts that beat as one.

Like those gay cowboys.

- I haven't seen that movie. - What movie?

[upbeat music]

So you guys really came here together.

Yup.

I mean, in high school, I probably

never would have dated someone like him.

I was a bit shallow.

Wow! Farr, you've-you've really changed.

- Yeah. - Would you like to dance?

Well, that sounds like a meaningful experience.

The kind I now seek.

- Mm-hmm. - Uh, Farrah.

Be right with you, Danny.

Yup.

Okay, make it quick. I gotta go grind on that hottie.

But what about me?

I don't think he's that into you.

Wait a minute. You came here with me.

Yeah, so Danny Curry wouldn't think I was shallow anymore.

And guess what? He doesn't.

Oh, sweetie, you've been playing me?

Yeah, just like you've been playing me.

I know about you and your tricks.

Wait, no, but, oh, see, what I did

I was just coming, and I wanted to..

[laughs] Oh, but I wrote the book!

No. I literally wrote the book.

Good for you.

But this target's leaving at a ten o'clock angle.

- Huh. - What happened?

Don't worry, boys. It's all part of the plan.

You're pathetic, man.

I can't believe I had my mom drive me to your book-signing.

[instrumental music]

- Banjo. - Porcupine.

- Yes! Ha-ha! - Ah!

Okay, okay. Enough.

- I can't take it anymore. - Alan, don't.

No, Lee, I can't just sit here and allow this to happen.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

- What? Why? - Oh.

Don't give me that innocent look.

You know what you've been doing.

No, I don't. What are you talking about?

- You have been cheating! - Alan.

- Oh, Al. - Why do you say that?

Stop it, stop it! I saw you.

- You did? - You're damn right I did.

Alan, that is enough.

No, Lee, the dishonesty sickens me.

- It ends right here, right now. - Alan, please.

Just be a man and admit it, Ira.

Okay, okay, okay!

- I have been cheating. - Oh.

Tracy, I've been having an affair.

- What? - 'What?'

Uh, with, with who?

Oh, you misunderstood.

- Who is it, Ira? - It was Linda.

- But she means nothing to me. - My sister Linda?

- Kind of. - Oh.

Oh..

Uh, well, we met her at the family picnic.

She's cute.

[scoffs] How could you?

You know, one day we're gonna look back on-

- You son of a bitch! - Me? Uh, him?

Oh, that's gotta be you.

Uh, this is the worst night of my life!

Tracy, you just say the word, and I will end this tomorrow.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

(Eric) 'Hello?'

'Anybody out there?'

'Can I get a little help, please? Somebody.'

- Eric? - 'Hey.'

Thanks.

I'm sorry. Uh, stupid jocks never change.

No, it was the geeks. They turned on me.

You know, maybe it's just me, but these lockers

used to be a lot more comfortable.

[door slams]

Well, you did have a huge afro

so maybe it was like a built-in pillow.

I'm so sorry I couldn't help you with Danny.

Oh, that's okay.

If a fetal pig can't bring two people together

then it's just not meant to be.

Well, if it's any consolation, that guy's a loser anyway.

Yeah, right. Danny Curry, a loser? In what universe?

In this universe

because he's never gonna know what he missed out on tonight.

What do you mean?

You.

You're amazing, Mitchee. You always have been.

And you deserve..

You deserve someone who actually appreciates you.

Yeah. You do, too, Eric. I mean..

You know, you're never gonna find her

trying to manipulate women with your stupid techniques.

And I suppose you know a better way.

- Yeah. Just be yourself. - No, I tried that.

That doesn't work.

Maybe you just haven't tried it on the right person.

- What, do you mean.. - No, I mean..

- Oh, I mean, c- - I mean, I-I could..

I was just talking out loud. My mouth opened up.

- I don't.. I'm here, but.. - Just whatever..

Yeah.

[instrumental music]

Mitchee..

But you want.. Um, what I'm saying, I'm saying..

- I mean, maybe we can- - It's okay.

Just, just say it.

- Dance with me? - No, no.

- That's not gonna fly. - Ah. That's so stupid.

- I.. We were just talking. - I'm kidding, Eric.

I'd love to dance with you.

Wow. You can be romantic.

[laughs]

Would you like a little slow hand-move da-

- Yes. - I thought it was a nice touch.

- Which chapter is that? - I don't know.

But I closed you. I closed you, like a book.

- Oh, yeah. - I loved it.

[upbeat music]

[indistinct chatter]

[music continues]

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

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