Original subtitles

Okay, I got one.

Jude Law or Orlando Bloom.

Oh, that's a good one.

- Can it be in my own bed? - What does it matter?

It's Jude freakin' Law, or Orlando freaking Bloom.

I'd do both of them on a freeway off ramp.

I believe you.

Nevertheless, I would need to be in my own bed.

- Fine. It's in your own bed. - Okay.

And would I be guaranteed a second chance..

- ...with whoever I choose? - Why?

Because the first time with somebody new

I'm always so nervous.

I need a chance to redeem myself.

Okay, well, when the lucky guy sees

your granny nightie and your vaporizer

I gotta believe there's gonna be a second time.

Neil, Jude Law or Orlando Bloom?

Oh, please. I'd spend more time in Orlando than Mickey Mouse.

You guys are not going to believe

what I heard at my A.A. meeting.

Neil, people in recovery need to feel

safe about pouring their hearts out.

You've gotta respect their privacy.

Yeah, but here's the yummy. Stories about you two.

Who was it? What'd they say?

Well, when it was time to share this sad sack raised her hand

let's call her Patty, since that's her real name.

And she, she said she went to Camp Hilltop in Sonoma-

Patty DeAngelis.

No, I don't remember Patty DeAngelis.

- She wasn't an alcoholic. - She was nine.

Anyway, cut to talent night.

The whole camp is there waiting as little Patty D.

tunes her guitar, takes to the stage and strikes the first

haunting chord of Jim Croce's "Time in a Bottle."

Ironically.

But before she can get through the first verse

the Arnold sisters run onto the stage..

- '...and pull down her pants. ' - And pull down her pants.

Oh, God.

I can't believe she told that story, I feel horrible.

Come on, it was just a silly camp prank.

Well, according to Patty it was the beginning

of a 20 year downward spiral.

There had to be other factors.

According to Patty, there were no other factors.

Because of you two, instead of a singing career

studded with fame and fortune

she works for minimum wage at a coffee shop

and shares a studio apartment with a schizophrenic

named Diane..

...and Mitzi.

Oh. Poor Patty. We destroyed her.

But on the plus side, you see this shirt?

It was on sale.

[theme song]

? Oh sister sister hey sister ?

? Come on let's rock the boat ?

? When you try to be on the ground ?

? Let's all cheero ?

? Whoa-oh-oh-oh ?

? Whoa-oh-oh-oh ?

? Oh let's head to dock ?

? You wanna rock the boat ?

? Whoa-oh-oh-oh ??

[music fades]

[instrumental music]

Alan, you will never guess who I just talked to.

- Barbara Nussbaum. - How did you know that?

Because I'm the one who told you she was on the phone.

- Oh, right. - So how is she?

- How's Sheldon? - They went dancing.

Doesn't that sound like fun?

Why don't we go out dancing anymore?

Because I've discovered something I like even better.

Not dancing.

Come on. We could get all dressed up

and we could go out and we could shake our groove thing.

I believe my groove thing shakes

just from walking across the room.

I wanna go out dancing tonight.

Tonight? But tonight is part two of "The History Of Trains"

on public television, it's "The Dawn Of Steam."

Come on, honey, just one night.

But, Lee, I, you know, I don't know.

It's, it's just that I-I- I would rather, I'd maybe.. Neil.

How would you like to go dancing tonight?

Alan, please, your wife is right there.

No, not with me. I meant with Lee.

I mean, if that's, that's okay with you.

- Well, I'd rather go with you. - Well, Lee..

We don't have to be one of those couples

who does everything together.

I guess Neil's better than nothing.

- Well, color me flattered. - There you go.

Now I get to watch my trains, you get to go dancing.

- Everybody's happy. - Okay, better than nothing..

...will pick you up at 8:00 and then it's off to the cockpit.

- Oh, so it's an airplane theme? - Sure. Let's go with that.

[instrumental music]

Yo, yo, yo. Check it.

Eyelash extensions with jewels on them.

- Ah-huh. - Oh, come on, Mitchee.

I got bling-blink over here.

I keep thinking about poor Patty.

Look, I found our old camp yearbook.

- There she is. - Oh, she looks happy there.

She captured the flag.

Yeah, that was pre-pantsing.

- Look at her here. - Oh, Patty, get up.

Aw.

- Dude, you really crushed her. - Me?

Yeah. You're the one who actually pulled her pants down.

- Yeah, because you made me. - I didn't make you.

I just said that I would tell

everyone you French'd snotty Scotty.

I let you pressure me into being bad one time

and now 20 years later, it comes back to haunt me.

No, there was that time I convinced you to shoplift.

That got you too.

No, that just got me two hours in a jail cell with a prostitute

who spit in my mouth.

It didn't scar anyone for life.

It just earned me the nickname "Horse Spitmouth" for a year.

[Farrah sighs] So what? We were mean to her.

- That's what kids do. - No. You know what?

We have to ask Neil Which coffee shop she works in

and go find her and apologize.

Are you kidding me? We're talking about something

that happened 20 years ago.

Yeah, and this is our opportunity to make it right.

Think about it, Farrah. When she entered that camp

Patty was a tall, freckly kid with

nothing holding her back except crappy taste in folk music.

And now she's a mess.

Do we really have to go in there in person?

I mean, can we just send her

something nice, like a bottle of wine?

And where does Neil know Patty from?

[smacks lips]

They can't even have one?

[instrumental music]

[elevator dings]

Good morning.

- Hey, sleepyhead. - Mmm.

- How was your night? - Oh, Alan.

I had so much fun with Neil and all those homos.

They totally get me.

We went to a gay cowboy bar.

There's a bar for gay cowboys?

It's San Francisco, there are eight on one block.

Well, you are not the only one who had a good time last night.

"The Dawn Of Steam" was electrifying.

And tonight is part three, "The Golden Age Of Conductors."

- You wanna watch with me? - Not so much.

- Wanna go dancing with me? - Not so much.

- Hey, there's my cowgirl. - Howdy, partner.

[Neil bleating]

I've been a bad little calf.

[howling]

[Neil laughs] Hey, what are you doing later?

It's Polynesian Queen night at Tahiti Dick's.

Is that okay with you?

Well, if it's okay with Tahiti Dick, it's okay with me.

[instrumental music]

When they take the caffeine out of coffee

where do you think they put it?

You remember that talk we had about

saying things in your head first?

I did. That one cleared.

Anyway, how are we gonna recognize Patty?

She was just this clumsy girl at camp 20 years ago.

[cups shatters]

I think we're getting warmer.

Excuse me, Patty?

- Farrah and Mitchee Arnold. - Yes. It's us.

- How are you? - Get away from me.

We're good too. Hey, check it out.

Jeweled eyelash extensions.

Listen, we just wanna talk to you for a minute.

How did you even know where to find me?

A friend of ours is an Alcoholics Anonymous with you.

Farrah!

I didn't say it was Neil.

We just wanted to apologize to you

for what we did to you at camp.

I mean, we just feel awful about it.

You think you can just come here after 20 years

say you're sorry, and everything will be better?

Ideally, yeah.

Leave me alone. You two are the devil.

- Patty! Come back! - It's too bad.

She could really use a drink.

[country music playing in TV]

(man on TV) 'It wasn't until 1866 that the phrase'

'"Everyone on the train" was shortened"'

'to the still popular "All Aboard!"'

'The design of the conductor's hat'

'went through many permutations before evolving'

'into the jaunty, short billed cap of today.'

'Stuart Seiden's attempt to unionize'

'conductors was met with a bullet.'

Oh, who cares?

[groans]

[upbeat dance music]

Those are really real, right?

I'll tell you if you tell me.

Mine aren't.

Your turn.

Oh. Um..

[phone ringing]

Hello. I can't hear you. Who is this?

- It's Alan. - 'Oh, hi, Alan.'

- 'How are you?' - I'm fine.

I'm having a great time.

- Are you having a great time? - I am. I'm having so much fun.

I have met so many fun people. Like my friend Coco.

- Who's that? - My husband.

Aw, that's adorable.

[Lee giggles]

But not really.

I just wanted to find out when you were coming home

a-a-and to tell you I-I love you.

Oh, honey, I love you too.

[instrumental music]

God, I was up all night last night.

- I know, so was I. - Really?

My guy's name was Jason. What was yours?

Guilt and remorse.

We had a three way.

Are you honestly still upset about the Patty thing?

Of course I am. How can I not be?

- How could you not be? - Mitchee, we apologized.

It's not our fault if she won't forgive us.

No, there's gotta be something more we can do.

What, like buy her a guitar and get her to sing again?

Yes. That's perfect.

No, I didn't think that went through

before saying it out loud.

No, it's a good idea. I mean, think about it.

What did we take from Patty 20 years ago?

Her pants.

No. Her dream of being a singer.

We have to get her up on that stage

and get her to sing again.

Mitchee, enough already. Just let it go.

No, I-I won't let it go. Are you coming with me or not?

- No. - Okay, fine. I'll go by myself.

Mitchee, why is this so important to you?

You know what? You wouldn't get it.

- Try me. - Okay, fine.

You have no idea what it is to be like Patty.

Alright? You and all your perfect

popular friends are always torturing

all the Patty's of the world.

But not me. I was a Patty.

What are you talking about?

Come on, I had my pigtail cut off.

I-I was made to wear a crown of gum.

I was duct taped to the tetherball pole

and then they played a tournament.

In fact, the only reason I let you

talk me into pantsing Patty

in the first place was so that for once

I wouldn't be the one the entire camp was laughing at.

- Wow. - 'Yeah.'

So, uh, there you have it.

Wait.

Neil, hold our calls.

We're gonna get a loser a guitar.

Let's go.

[instrumental music]

- Lee, where are you going? - It's happy hour.

And there's a wet boxer brief contest at the Manhole.

I don't know what you just said

but are you going out again?

Yeah. And I really wanna thank you.

- For? - Well.. if you hadn't..

...convinced me to go out with Neil

I would probably be sitting at home

like a lump just watching TV and shoveling down Cheetos.

What a sad image.

And instead, I am now a proud member of the gay community.

Okay, gotta go. I'll see you later.

- Don't wait up. - Okay.

- Okay. Thanks. - Have fun.

[Alan sighs]

Oh, you're back there. Could I get a water?

Sure thing, boss.

- Glass? - Why not?

- Why the, uh, long face? - I got a world of trouble.

Is the, uh, company going under?

No, Bob, we're doing perfectly fine.

What is it, then? Uh, woman trouble?

It's my wife.

I pushed her away, and now she's

out every night with another man.

- Who is it? - Neil.

Wow. That's a hell of a push.

She's having such a good time.

I-I don't, I don't know what to do.

I miss her, and I want her back.

Oh. Why don't you tell her you miss her and you want her back.

Thank you, Bob.

That's brilliant.

You miss her and you want her back.

Thanks. Brilliant.

[instrumental music]

Patty. Hi.

I thought I told you two to leave me alone.

I know, but we wanna give you something.

You've already given me low self-esteem

and recurring nightmares.

I don't think you know how to shop for me.

Here.

This is for you from us.

Wow! It's beautiful.

Wait. Why are you doing this?

Because we want you to sing again.

[chuckles] Well, that's not going to happen.

Now, I have to get back to work.

Okay. We're sorry we bothered you.

No, wait.

- Farrah, it's okay. - No, no, it's not okay.

Patty. We don't want you to sing for us.

We want you to do it for all the little girls who had mean

things done to them in camp, like having

one of their pigtails cut off, or being tied

to the tetherball pole, or..

...or all the girls in the bunk peeing in their shampoo.

- That didn't happen to me. - Yeah, it did. Sorry.

So what do you say?

Well, I have always kind of wanted

to get up there on the big stage.

And, uh, look, it's open mic night tonight.

[chuckles] I don't know.

Oh, come on, Patty, it's not about singing.

I mean, it's about closure.

How great would it be to finally put this thing to rest

and move on with our lives?

- Okay, I'll do it. - Oh, awesome.

- We'll be here for you. - You know what?

I underestimated you guys.

I had this image of you as these evil pantsing twins.

But you're not anymore.

You're really nice, thoughtful people.

Thanks, Patty.

I hope you don't suck tonight.

God, could you imagine?

[upbeat party music]

Lee, I want you to come home with me.

Then get the name right. It's Coco.

Oh, I-I-I didn't, uh, I. ..I-I thought you were, uh..

There she is.

Ah, good day.

Uh, uh, excuse me.

[music continues]

- Lee. - Alan. What're you doing here?

I just, I-I just came down to talk to you about..

Will you stop it!

Neil, I need to talk with my wife.

Oh, can it wait? The DJ stops at four.

Oh, fine.

[dance music continues]

Lee, I miss you.

- I miss you too. - Oh, good.

Then come home.

- I'm not leaving. - Why not?

Because I want you to stay here and dance with me.

Lee, you know I hate dancing.

[sharply sighs]

What?

I just never thought that we would become

one of those couples that did things separately.

We don't have to be. Just come home.

But why does doing things together

always have to be what you wanna do?

Well, i-it's not always..

I mean, you know, sometimes we..

Go on home, Alan. I'll see you later.

Lee.

Let's bust a move.

You wanna hand?

[dance music continues]

I hope no one thinks I'm gay.

[Lee chuckles]

I wouldn't worry about it, honey.

[clapping]

Oh, I don't know you guys.

I'm not sure I can go through with it.

It'll be just like you practiced.

You're gonna do fine.

Okay. I'm gonna go introduce you.

Oh. Yeah, but this isn't the camp talent show anymore.

This is the brass mug.

Look, here's the thing. If you don't do this now

then you're never gonna do it.

Okay, everyone, I would like to introduce

you to a very inspirational young woman.

She's gotten her drinking under control.

And now, for the first time in decades

she's gonna sing, and she's not wasted.

Please welcome Patty DeAngelis.

[clapping]

I can't do it.

Well, if you don't, then you're always gonna

wonder what could have been.

Is that what you really want?

Come on, go for it.

You're right.

I'm going for it.

This is my moment.

Wait. I'm on your..

[skirt rips]

[all gasping]

I'm sorry.

I hate you, Farrah and Mitchee!

I hate you!

Okay. If none of you were at Camp Hilltop in 1984

you have no idea how ironic this is.

[instrumental musical sting fades]

So then what happened?

So then Patty goes to get up

but her skirt is caught on my chair.

So then there she is in her underwear.

Was it ours?

No, dad. That's why this is such a tragedy for me.

Thanks for understanding.

I'm sorry, sweetheart.

I hope you feel better, honey.

Hey, we gotta go or we're gonna be late.

- Where are you going? - Dance brunch at Boy Bar.

[door opens]

Mitch, you can't blame yourself for how

somebody else's life turned out.

I mean, the kids were just as mean to you

as they were to Patty, and you got over it.

Look, now your life is totally stylin'.

Yeah, but what does that prove?

It proves that you're not a bad person.

Patty's responsible for her own life

just like you're responsible for yours.

Yeah, I guess that makes sense.

I know I thought about it before I said it.

Special delivery for Mitchee and Farrah Arnold.

Ooh. Thank you. These are beautiful.

Oh, they're nothing compared to the ones

your father got from Coco.

[door opens]

"Dear Mitchee and Farrah, despite what happened

your kind gesture made a world of difference to me."

"I no longer harbor any bad feelings."

"Sincerely, Patty."

- Wow, look at that. - You're kidding.

Let me see that.

- Do you feel better now? - Of course I do.

It's like a 20 year old weight

has been lifted off my shoulders.

- Wait, are these from you? - No. Why would you think that?

Because Patty spelled gesture and harbor wrong.

So? Those are hard words.

She also spelled Patty wrong.

Hey, she spent 75 bucks on these. Feel better.

[musical sting]

[outro music]

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