All language subtitles for Twins s01e12 Blonde Ambition.eng

[instrumental music]

Oh. Party's in four hours
and it still isn't right.

I mean, those are B-cups. How
is that supposed to feed 60 people?

You know what make 'em Ds.

No, no. No, make 'em double D's.

People might want seconds.

- What's going on? - Oh.

A little problem with the boob cake.

I told you we should have
gone with the crotch cake.

I'm not having the boob
cake-crotch cake argument again.

Fine. But just for the record, people

especially men, prefer to eat-

Yes, you've made that clear. What's going on?

I need to add someone to the guest list.

- Ice. Who's ice? - Mm-mm.

He's a new guy I'm way into.

We totally connect on a super deep level.

- What's his real name? - I don't know.

That's none of my business.

Wow, our 30th anniversary.

Can you believe I'm two years younger

than the company that I helped found?

So, girls, what are we wearing tonight?

I found the cutest, sexiest dress in the world.

Really? Off the rack?

No. Off the shoulders.

I thought off the rack was a little inappropriate

for an office party.

Um, what are you gonna wear, Mitchee?

Oh, you know my gray suit?

Oh, honey. No.

Why? My gray suit's perfect.

Maybe on Planet ugh!

Honey, this party is supposed to be sexy and fun.

I mean, do you really wanna
look like a tax lawyer named Herb?

All things being equal, I'd prefer not to.

Good. Then you and I are gonna go

shopping for a new dress right now.

Then can I give your gray suit to my nephew?

- That's a woman's suit. - Okay.

Where's the guest list?

I wanna add my friend James.

Oh, we haven't seen James and Natalie in years.

Well, you won't be seeing Natalie.
They got divorced.

- Really? - 'Yep.'

James is a free man.

No more ball and chain. Stay of execution.

Got the call from the governor's office.

Just trying to put a positive spin

on it, so he'll feel better.

But he's not here.

Oh, look. Balloons!

[theme song]

? Oh sister sister hey sister ?

? Come on let's rock the boat ?

? When you're tryin' to be on the ground ?

? Now let's all cheero ?

? Whoa-oh-oh-oh! ?

? Whoa-oh-oh-oh! ?

? Oh hey sister don't you wanna rock the boat? ?

? Whoa-oh-oh-oh! ??

[pleasant music]

Come on, honey, come out.

I wanna see your cute little body in that dress.

Oh, hello.

[chuckles] Um. That's adorable.

[chuckles]

That's-that's-that's not my daughter.

That's just some big boned
woman that I don't know.

[gasps]

Oh, my God

you look absolutely gorgeous.

I kind of do, don't I?

[Lee laughs] We'll take it.

- Mom, it's so expensive. - So what?

You just hide the tag, you wear it once

then you bring it back. The store doesn't know.

Okay, we'll "buy it."

Thanks, mom. It's great.

You know, look at your ass. It is smokin'.

Mom, that's so embarrassing.

It is kind of smokin'.

[Lee laughs]

See what happens when you trust your mother.

Now, there's only one
more thing that we have to do.

Oh, I'm okay with the panty lines.

I'm not gonna go commando.

No, it's better than that.

- Trust me. - Okay, I'm all yours.

Okay, go change.

[gasps] Oh, I almost forgot.

Um, I'd like to return this.

[instrumental music]

[bell dings]

- James. - Alan.

Come here, you old dog.

[Alan laughs]

Congratulations, 30 years in women's underwear.

Thirty years making women's underwear.

One word, big difference.

[laughter]

So how the hell are ya?

Uh, to be honest with you,

I'm still a little bit hurting from the divorce.

Yeah, well, sorry about that. But you know what?

You gotta get right back on the horse.

Uh, I-I-I'm not ready to
jump into a new relationship.

Who said anything about a relationship?

I am talking about sexual healing.

And my friend, this place is crawling

with top flight physicians.

[laughing] Ah.

James, I would like you to meet Dr. Beverly.

[Alan laughs]

Lee, why are you late to the party?

And why did you bring my grandma Helga?

Mitchee, honey, it looks really good.

It looks horrible.

Will you just go with it? It's fun.

Do I look like I'm having fun?

Well, you're not going with it.

That's because I hate it.

And I don't want anyone to see it. Ever.

- Excuse me. - Neil.

[Neil gasps] Well, look who's a bru-not.

I took her to my hairdresser, Francois.

Who will also be named in the lawsuit.

Mitchee, it looks good.

See? Come on, let's go show everybody.

No, no, I'm not going out there.

You can't stay in here all night.

Yes, I can. I have granola bars in my desk.

[indistinct chattering]

Daddy. This is Ice.

Hello, Ice. Alan Arnold.

What's up, man?

So how is everything?

- Its-ight. - Sight?

It's all good.

He's a writer.

Okay, you two hang. I'll get us drinks.

So, Ice, what kind of writing do you do?

I sling rhymes, G.

Anything I'd know?

You know Slob my knob?

I'm not familiar with that one.

Uh, a ballad, I'm guessing?

A demo. I got mad skills. You feel me?

Feel you?

I can't even pinpoint your species.

Yo, pops, why you got to be tossing me shade?

Here you go, Ice. No ice.

- Keep it, I'm outie.
- What? Where are you going?

I don't gotta be taking
all this static off the huxtable.

Late!

Wait, Ice, come back!

Yo, forget it. I'm rolling solo.

Ice. Come back.

Daddy. What did you say to him?

Nothing. He's outie of his own accord.

It's all good.

No, it's not all good.

- How could you do that? - He was inappropriate.

Who comes to a cocktail party with

their underwear hanging out?

Thank you.

Daddy.

Daddy!

You do this all the time.

You get all judgy with my boyfriends

and then you scare them away.

- I do not. - Oh, yeah?

Why'd you tell Spider you knew

seven ways to kill a man?

He was stealing my car..

...and I was in it.

You know what? Just do me a favor.

Stay the hell out of my personal life.

- Ight? - No, it is not ight.

It is not ight at all.

I am your father and I don't like

seeing you wasting yourself on people

named Ice and Spider and Defendant.

It's none of your business.

For God's sake, have some self-respect.

There are tons of men out there
who are mature and intelligent

and who don't sling rhymes about their knobs.

It's about time you grew
up enough to find one of them.

You know what? I don't need to listen to this.

I'm 25, I can make my own decisions.

- You are 29. - Don't ever tell Ice that.

He's 18.

Daddy is such a..

Whoa!

I know, mom made me do it.

You know, we could be twins.

Why'd she make you do it?

I don't know, she wants me to be all...pretty.

- Why are you so upset? - Daddy.

He wants me to be all self respecting.

- They're impossible. - Tell me about it.

You know, it does look pretty good.

Please. I look like a bimbo

who should be hanging out at the mall.

Ooh, wanna go?

I'm good.

They're cutting the cake.

I saved you some nipple.

I'm full.

Mitchee, you have to get out there.

Everyone's asking for you.

You're the president of the company.

- I'm the president, too. - Okay.

Would you like to give a speech about the

company's five year fiscal plan?

Mitchee, get out there.

Alright. Fine.

But tonight is gonna suck worse than anything

has ever sucked before.

Atta girl. Stay positive.

Hey.

[chuckles] You.

- Me? - Yeah.

I'm Chris.

- Wanna get a drink? - Sure, Chris.

[Chris chuckles]

Chris wants to get me a drink.

Seems like the suckiest night in history

has taken a turn for the less sucky.

Who am I talking to?

[instrumental music]

Ice, pick up the phone.

Ice, pick up.

If you don't pick up the phone

I'm gonna call your parents line.

Fine.

[door opens]

Hey.

James. Oh, my God.

- How are you? - Yeah. Good, good good, good.

- Nice to see you. - Oh, gosh.

So, what's going on? What
are you-what are you doing

in here all alone?

My dad totally bugs.

He's always trying to tell me what to do.

Oh. Well, let me tell you
something about your father.

He once lost $50 playing
pool against an 11 year old girl.

What does this have to do with me?

Nothing. I just like telling that story.

[both laugh]

So why is your dad totally bug?

Because he's always on my
case about who I should date.

No one's ever good enough,
just because they're unemployed

or they're wanted or the kind of worship Satan.

Dads.

Alan, have you seen Farrah?

I wanna meet the new boyfriend.

Well, he left.

And it's highly unlikely you'll
meet him unless I call down

to security and say I was only kidding.

Oh, no. What happened?

He wasn't good enough
for Farrah and I told her so

in no uncertain terms.

Why? You know what happens when you

meddle in Farrah's love life.

Remember when she was in high school

and you told her not
to date that football player?

He was a Neanderthal.

Well, even so, do you remember

what she did to get back at you?

She dated the coach.

Alright. Fine. I'll smooth things over with her.

[indistinct chatters]

And so he turns to the horse

and yells, "I said, posse!"

[all laughing]

Oh, I hate this party.

Don't be so tough on your dad.

All he's saying is that

you're an amazing woman

and you deserve to be with

somebody who's just as amazing.

- I don't know about amazing. - Well, I do.

Well, you are older and wiser.

Look, believe me, Farrah, if I had a son

I'd want him to be with someone just like you.

Oh, thank you James, that's so sweet.

I hate this party.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

- Oh, no. What's the matter? - Nothing.

You only putt when you're upset.

I am not upset.

[glass shatters]

You were right, Lee.

Farrah is dating someone to spite me.

And she found the perfect person.

Guess who?

Murray of Murray's Underthings.

No, it is someone who is close to me

who would absolutely kills me to see her with.

Your father?

Perhaps the fault is with my clues.

- It's James. - James? You're kidding.

Last night, I saw them
canoodling right in the office

where she knew I'd see them.

[glass shatters]

This is an outrage, Lee. The man is my age.

Really? He looks so much younger.

Thank you, dear.

We have got to figure out how to stop this.

Remember how it started?

If you interfere again, you are only gonna make

Farrah more spiteful.

What if I get Jorge and a couple

of gorillas from shipping

to put the hurt on James?

- Alan. - What?

I'll pay them overtime.

Alan, I know this is hard

but there is nothing that you can do.

[smacks lips] Or is there?

She is just dating James to upset me.

Well, if I show her that it doesn't bother me

then she'll stop.

I'm going to take Farrah and James to lunch.

Alan, will you write
down everything that he eats?

Because I wanna get you on his diet.

I mean that man is in shape.

Again. Thank you, dear.

For your information, round is also a shape.

[instrumental music]

Get this, me and my new
hair went into the coffee shop

downstairs for a latte, and when I asked the guy

how much he just winked and overcharged

the fat dude behind me.

Who, by the way, was a brunette.

It's funny because my friend
Clay, who happens to be a tad

heavy, has a very different
version of that same story.

I'm telling you, Neil, life
is different when you're blonde.

- Hey. - Hey.

See, that guy has walked
by me a thousand times before

and never heyed me.

Mitchee, guess what?

I called Francois about dyeing your hair back

and he said that he can
squeeze you in this afternoon.

Oh, it's okay, mom, it's no rush.

Yeah, but I feel awful about what I did to you.

You said that I ruined your life.

You even gave me the finger
when you thought I wasn't looking.

Well, I did hate it at
first, but now I'm not so sure.

I mean, ever since I've been blonde I've been

getting all this attention.

So you like it?

I guess a part of me does. Yeah.

Good. Well, listen to that part.

It knows what it's talking about.

But the other part thinks..

...you know, is this fair? Is this right?

Should I really be getting all this special

treatment just because of the color of my hair?

Honey, it's not just any color. It's blonde.

Never forget that.

Why should that change
my whole place in the world?

Honey, your hair doesn't
change your place in the world.

For that, you need really big boobs.

But none of this has anything to do

with who I am on the inside.

Honey, anybody can have inner beauty.

- Don't you think that- - Don't think.

I mean, you are always overthinking.

Here's what you should think..

Nothing.

- But I have- - Ah, you're still thinking.

Just enjoy it.

You will never be a true blonde until your mind

can go completely blank.

- I don't know what to say. - That's my girl.

[instrumental music]

And I thought that by being a doctor

I could really make a difference.

You know, if I could just

make one person's life better

then, I would know why I was put on this earth.

So why did you become a model?

Because I realized I'm that one person.

I mean, my life has been made
so much better by being a model.

[all laugh]

Oh...you two.

- What do you mean? - What do I mean?

Come on. The chemistry between
you two kids is explosive.

Don't you feel it?

Alan, did you find our old bong?

No. I'm-I'm serious.

Alright, look, look, I know

what's going on between you.

There is nothing going on between us.

Farrah, please, I wasn't born yesterday.

In fact, I was born over half a century ago

just like this guy..

...who is smart and worldly

and is just the kind of man you should be with.

'And James, Farrah is so
spontaneous and full of life.'

'You two are perfect for each other.'

Wow.

I mean..

I-I do think that you're..

Yeah.

A-and you've certainly become..

[chuckles and laughter]

And I mean, I never thought about it before, but-

Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You-you two aren't already seeing each other?

No, but I mean, after what you've said..

What? No, don't listen to me.
I don't know what I'm saying.

I'm high as a kite, remember?

Would you like to go for a drive?

Sure. Let's go. Farrah,
I'll see you back at the office.

No, no. Farrah.

Oh, I'd love to go for a drive.

(Alan) Okay. No, no, wait, wait.

We haven't even, uh, paid the bill yet.
Yeah. Here.

Uh, okay. Who had the,
uh, spaghetti and meatballs?

I just had- Oh. God bless it.

[whimpering]

Yes. In Oakland.

Last name Ramirez. First name Jorge.

[instrumental music]

So, have you always had such muscly arms?

- Uh-huh. - Can I feel?

Uh-huh.

Wow, Trevor.

I know. Well, I, uh...gotta get back to work.

Oh. See ya. Take good care of that package.

[laughing]

I think Trevor likes me.

Oh, sure. Rub it in.

It's like watching a caterpillar turn

into a beautiful butterfly.

Uh, did Madam Butterfly get those papers

I left on her desk?

Nope. Sorry.

Well, we can't send out the PNL statement

until you sign off on it.

Whatev. I'll be at the mall
getting guys to buy me stuff.

What about running the company?

Hello? I said whatev.

Can you believe her?

[chuckles] I know.

My baby is finally having fun.

Hey! Wait up!

I'll show you how to flirt
your way to a free Cinnabon.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Daddy, I have something to tell you

and you're not gonna be happy about it.

Then give me a ten minute
head start and tell your mother.

(Farrah) Daddy.

I'm not gonna be seeing James anymore.

Oh. Gosh. That is bad news.

Darn, darn, darn.

I realized it could never work out.

I mean, we're at different places in our lives

and our mutual attraction isn't strong enough

to bridge the years between us.

Well, I'm proud of you, Farrah.
That's very mature.

Plus, I saw him naked.

Old man parts. Ew.

- Hi, honey. - Lee, you were right.

We shouldn't meddle in our daughters lives.

They are grown women who are perfectly

capable of making smart
decisions if we just butt out.

What do you mean we? I
said that you should butt out.

I know what's best for my girls.

What are you talking about?

Well, I got Mitchee to go blonde

and it was just what she needed.

[elevator door opens]

Sup, Arnold Undergarments!

Ice in the house!

- I'm calling Francois. - I'm calling Jorge.

[theme music]

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