Original subtitles

Why didn't you give that guy your real name when you ordered?

What's the fun in that? This is the one chance

to be anyone in the world you want to be.

Live out your fantasy.

I got two lattes here for Li Chang.

Thank you.

He totally thinks I'm Chinese.

[chuckles] Ha!

This is really nice. We don't do this enough.

What? Drink Li Chang's coffee?

No. Have sister time.

So, tell me what's going on in your life, sis?

Let's really talk. Let's make it all about Mitchee.

Uh, okay. Well, yesterday in therapy I had this crazy-

- Get out. Get out! - What?

See that cute guy in the leather jacket?

'I've been dying to meet him.'

I've been tracking him for two weeks.

He's looking for a place to sit. So go. Now!

This seat's empty.

Wait. My bag.

- Thanks. - No, thank you.

I hate sitting by myself.

Li Chang's a bitch.

[theme song]

? Oh sister sister hey sister ?

? Come on let's rock the boat ?

? When you try to be on the ground ?

? Let's all cheero ?

? Whoa-oh-oh-oh ?

? Whoa-oh-oh-oh ?

? Oh let's head to dock ?

? You wanna rock the boat ?

? Whoa-oh-oh-oh ??

[instrumental music]

So instead of using a pen and paper to write letters

you can use your keyboard for electronic mail?

Shh. It's our little secret.

Fascinating.

- Lee, guess what? - What?

I am finally a proud traveler on the cyber-highway.

And Bob here is my trusty guide.

Well, congratulations.

I knew that you could do it, grandpa.

Oh, hey. Listen to my great new e-mail address.

- Alan3007. - That's it?

I-I-I talked him out of DoctorPanties14.

Can you believe there were 13 other people

clever enough to come up with DoctorPanties?

Oh, look. I got an e-mail from you.

Alan, this is naughty.

[chuckling]

Ooh. This is making me kind of uncomfortable.

How do you think I felt typing it for him?

[instrumental music]

Talofa.

It's Samoan for "hello"

"good-bye," and "peace," all three.

But just then I was going for "hello."

Well, talofa right back at you.

Thank you. I too hope for peace.

- Who is Alan3007? - Not a clue.

Oh, it's gotta be spam. So long, sucker!

Hey, aren't you going to ask me why talofa?

It's because I went out with

the cute coffee shop guy last night.

He plays the sax. And he's traveled a bunch.

And speaks all kinds of other languages.

Well, I hope it was worth it because you broke my laptop

when you kicked my bag.

It was totally worth it. Hey, I can have my messages?

I need to know where to meet Keith for lunch.

- You don't have any messages. - Really?

Keith said he was gonna call. That's nutty.

Hmm. A guy says he'll call and he doesn't. Wow.

Pretty soon cats will be meowing

and dogs will be barking.

Yeah, totally.

Wait. I don't get that.

[instrumental music]

According to my new friend the net..

...it is 38 degrees in Columbus, Ohio.

I can't believe it. A vast and wondrous new world

has opened up before me.

Have you Googled yourself?

Yes, but I thought you were asleep.

No. Googling yourself is how you can see

if there's anything about you on the Internet.

- Oh. - So..

- You type in your name. - Ah-huh.

[keys clacking]

And now we see what fun stuff comes up.

- Oh! - Hey.

There's something about you being a Stanford alum.

And you're in some business journals.

And then there's..

- Uh-oh. Um.. - No, wait, wait.

I hate my idiot boss.com?

What.. W-w-what can that be?

Well, it's probably there by mistake.

You know, like those e-mails I get about my small penis.

No, it looks like, it looks like some kind of journal.

They're called blogs.

- Blogs? - Yeah.

"My job here at Arnold Undergarments sucks chunks."

"My boss man Alan is a colossal dork

with zero business skills and a toxic personality."

This is not nice, Lee. This is, this is not nice at all.

No, and it's filled with typos. I mean, you are not an asshoke.

But it gets worse. This person thinks I'm physically grotesque.

Listen. "Alan Arnold has no ass."

"God only knows how this buttless wonder

landed such a smoking hot wife."

Aww!

[chuckling]

How dare he.

Who could this be? Who thinks I'm an idiot and you're hot?

Alan, that could be anybody.

[instrumental music]

Keith and I were supposed to go to lunch like an hour ago.

- Why hasn't he called me? - I can't imagine.

What if he was about to call me

and he got into a terrible accident

and the blood shorted out his cell phone?

That's what I was gonna say.

I'm calling him.

Keith? Hi, it's Farrah. Are you okay?

Oh! Listen, we were supposed to have lunch today.

Oh. Oh, okay, sorry.

Bye-bye. There was no accident.

He's just been stuck in important meetings.

Farrah, I hate to break this to you

but...I kind of think you're being blown off.

- What are you talking about? - Oh, my God.

You've never been blown off before.

Well, why would I? I'm cute, and fun.

And I know that trick about where to put

your finger right before the guy's about to-

Okay. Okay. Uh, look.

Being rejected is a language all its own.

When a guy says that he is stuck in meetings all day

that means he's probably not so interested.

He could've been stuck in meetings.

He's a saxophone player.

When a guy asks you to lunch instead of dinner-

Shows how much you know. I asked him to lunch.

Okay. When a guy asks you to nothing..

...once again, not a good sign.

Oh, my God. I really am being blown off.

I'm sorry.

Do you have any idea how this feels?

- Like you're worthless. - Yes.

- Like you're dirt. - Exactly.

Like you've got another ten years of reading

Cosmo's "How To Get A Man" and then hating Cosmo

for telling you to get a man, and then sitting home alone

being like, "Where's my man?"

I only read the articles on where to put your finger.

[door opens]

You wanted to see me, Mr. Arnold?

Have a seat.

Henry, I was on the computer this morning.

I was blogging out..

...when I came across some material that..

Well, let's just say it wasn't exactly fan mail.

Oh, yeah. I hate my idiot boss.com.

[laughs]

Now I'm not going to ask you to name names

because I know no one likes a snitch.

It's Bob.

Bob from tech support?

But he's the one who taught me how to use the computer.

- Ironic. Can I go? - Yes.

And thank you, Henry.

And rest assured I will never mention

this conversation to Bob.

You can mention it. He snitched on me

when I stole that case of post-its.

Bob, didn't tell me about that.

It was Irma from accounting who told me.

Oh. Then, yeah, maybe don't mention this to Bob.

Hey, Irma? Got a second?

[instrumental music]

I have a latte for Mai Ling.

Uh, excuse me.

- You're Keith, aren't you? - Yeah. We met before?

I'm Farrah's sister Mitchee.

Well, then why does your cup say Mai Ling?

Because I'm Chinese. You got a problem with that?

- Fine. - 'Look..'

I want to know why you didn't call her for lunch today.

I mean, you said you were going to.

Yeah, well, you know how it is.

No, I don't know how it is. Because I'm not some guy.

I mean, I don't give girls all these lame excuses

and false hope and think I never have to answer for it.

Well, you know what? Today you do because you ran into me.

And I'm your worst nightmare.

You just flicked my foam.

You've got a lot of nerve blowing off my sister.

She's hot, she's fun.

I mean she has tons of great qualities.

What the hell is missing for you?

- That. - Excuse me?

- What you have. - Me?

No offense to your sister but

you've got a certain spark that I'm attracted to.

So you play the sax? That's cool.

[instrumental music fades]

[instrumental music]

(Lee) 'Bob from tech support?'

But he's the one who taught you how to use the computer.

I know. I have already discussed the irony with Henry.

Who, by the way, is a thief and a snitch.

And an animal. I just had to call security

because he was pulling Irma's hair.

Well, anyway, back to Bob.

He is on his way up for a serious talking to.

- Would you like me to leave? - No.

I want you to stay and see how I handle an employee

who has disrespected me, my company, and my buns.

Trust me, Lee. I am going to put an end to this little problem

once and for all.

Bobby!

Good to see you. Come in.

Take a load off.

[chuckles lightly] Bob..

I just wanted to tell you how much I value you as an employee.

And the way that you, uh, uh..

- ...support all our...tech. - No problem.

And how Arnold Undergarments is a brighter, happier place

due in no small part to your magnetic personality

and megawatt smile.

'There it is!'

'Ha-ha.'

And because I value you so much

I wanted to ask if there was anything

that was bothering you about the work environment.

- Or, for instance, me? - Nothing at all.

You sure there isn't anything you find lacking or deficient?

I couldn't be happier.

Alright then. Go forth.

Continue to spread your sunshine.

Will do.

Huh? Huh?

What was that?

That is how you handle a disgruntled employee.

Why didn't you just rip him a new one?

Because that is not the kind of manager I am.

I rule by compassion. Trust me, Lee.

Kindness is the key ingredient

in building a workplace that is happy and harmonious for all.

I suppose you're right.

Mr. Arnold? FYI. I didn't mean to bite Irma.

She just ran into my teeth.

[instrumental music]

Hey, Farrah.

Did you know that the book store has a whole section

on being rejected?

Chicks who read must get dumped left and right.

So you're still not over this, huh?

No. I'm totally bummed.

How could Keith turn out to be an alpha deceiver

who won't trust himself enough to love?

Yeah. Speaking of Keith, guess who I just ran into?

Keith.

- Really? Did you talk to him? - Yeah.

Did I give him a piece of my mind.

I mean, I really laid into him. I even flicked his foam.

You did? Thanks, M.

- So then what happened? - Well, get this.

He had the nerve to ask me out.

Oh! What a sleazeball. What did you say?

Well, I mean the guy was clearly expecting me to say no

so I thought I'd mess with his head a little bit.

(Farrah) 'Oh.'

I like it.

So he's totally gonna show up somewhere

and you're not gonna be there.

Totally.

Or I'll pull the double reverse and I'll be there.

I like it.

Wait. No, I don't.

- Why are you gonna go? - Oh, I wouldn't.

Unless it's okay with you.

And I hope it is because I told him you would.

You did? You're going out with him?

I'm sorry, but he's so cute. And he plays the sax.

And he says I have a spark.

What kind of a sister would do this?

Well, it's not like you're in love with him.

I mean, you guys went on one date. Come on, Farrah.

I really just want your blessing on this.

Oh, yeah. Well, you're not getting it.

- In fact, I forbid you. - You forbid me?

Oh, don't act like you don't know what it means.

No, you can't forbid me. I'll do whatever I want.

Fine. Steal my guy. I'm gonna steal your..

Oh, I don't want any of this crap.

[instrumental music]

[door opens]

Hi, Bob.

How did you know I was in here?

Oh, I know a lot of things.

So, what you doing?

Uh-uh, I'm e-mailing my-my grandma.

(Lee) 'Yeah, why don't-why don't I just take a look at that.'

Interesting.

You're sending your grandma a picture of dogs doing it

and the one on the bottom has Alan's face.

She likes visual humor.

And, you know, dirty stuff.

You know, Bob, one of the things that I love about my husband

is his naive optimistic view of the world.

And I would really hate to see that be ruined.

I-I-I understand.

No, I don't think that you do, Bob.

So, listen up. If you don't cut the crap

you're gonna have to deal with me.

And I am not going to kill you with kindness.

I am going to do it by stomping on your pebbles.

Have a nice day.

- What are you looking for? - Nothing.

I'm just mad, so I'm slamming things.

W-what's the matter?

I went out with this guy and he totally rejected me.

- And now- - He what?

- Rejected me. - Ah!

I know. Apparently it happens to women all the time.

I mean there's this whole section

in the bookstore about it.

Wait a minute. Let me get this straight.

You were in a bookstore?

And guess who's going out with him now?

Angelina Jolie?

- No. - Then I'm all out of guesses.

Mitchee. Mitchee's going out with him.

Can you believe that? I mean

I would never go out with a guy that she liked.

[groans]

No, of course you wouldn't, sweetie.

Except for.. Let's see.

Jack Pollack and Donnie Krieger.

Tom Ryan. Greg Thomas. Barry Wernick.

And Glen Gilman.

What? That's all you got?

Look, there is a time to be territorial

when it comes to men.

I mean, God knows when

Christie Brinkley hit on your father

I had to put orange sorbet down her thong.

All I'm saying is that you have no claim to this guy.

And he is not interested in you.

So why don't you let your sister be happy?

Because she's a guy stealer.

And she hurt my feelings.

Well, how do you think Mitchee felt

all the times that the shoe was on the other foot?

She couldn't have felt too bad. She never said anything.

- Not to you, she didn't. - She said something to you?

Why didn't she tell me?

Because she didn't want to make you feel bad.

Well, that's different. I mean

she's a better person than I am.

And now, it's your chance to be a better person.

Can't I just recycle a can or something?

Alright. Fine.

Christie Brinkley hit on dad?

[giggles] Yeah.

But that was back when he had an ass.

- Honey, you ready to go home? - Uh, not yet, Lee.

I am just about to surf onto the Interweb.

I think Bob has had enough time to update his blog by now.

Ah-huh. Okay. Here we go. Ah-ha. Lee, look.

"How did I not see that Alan Arnold

"has penetrating intelligence

commanding presence, and the ass of a Roman statesman?"

Oh, and he has even changed the name of the blog.

"My boss deserves his hot wife.com."

Yeah. I know you would've handled it another way, Lee.

But it's like I told you.

Kindness begets kindness every time.

Well, you were right. And I learned a very valuable lesson.

Oh, good night, Bob.

And thank you for all your fine work.

Goodnight.

[taps]

Goodnight, Bob.

[instrumental music fades]

[instrumental music]

Mitch..

I owe you an apology.

I had no right to complain about you going out with anyone.

Look, I'm sorry too. I-I mean

I can't believe I fought with you over a guy.

- Talofa? - Talofa.

So how was your date anyway?

- Oh, not great. - Really?

Yeah. Guy who plays the saxophone, cool.

Guy who plays the saxophone on the street

to pay for your date, less cool.

- So did you blow him off? - No.

I wanted to, but I couldn't.

- Why? - I don't know how.

Oh, my God. You've never blown anyone off before.

It's true, I haven't. And he wants to go out again.

He keeps calling me and e-mailing.

- And I don't know what to do. - Okay.

Well, blowing off guys has its own language.

Now, for your first time

I recommend something basic like

"I'm getting back together with my ex-boyfriend."

- I don't have an ex-boyfriend. - Okay.

Not comfortable with the lying.

A lot of rookies aren't.

We'll go with plan B.

Oh, that won't work because plan B involves him

getting beaten up by the ex-boyfriend.

You know what? I'll just go out with him.

We'll get married. He's a man, I'm a woman.

He'll die first.

No, maybe we can get rid of him

without your actually talking to him.

What do you mean?

Which is the e-mail he sent you?

The one with subject line "Up all night thinking of you."

Okay. And who's the dork who keeps sending you spam?

Ah! Alan3007.

Okay. Now it's Alan3007's problem. Ha!

[musical sting fades]

[outro music]

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