Original subtitles

Dude, I know you don't work here.

And you two, how many times are you gonna fall for that?

At least this time I caught it before the waxing.

- How are you doing? - Fine. Busy.

Atta girl, throw yourself into your work.

Take yourself out of the whole breaking up with Jordan thing.

- What are you working on? - Uh, year-end reports.

So we're calling our year-end report

"Mitchee and Jordan, the story of what could have been?"

It's not really a year-end report.

Good. Mitchee, you gotta get your mind off Jordan.

Tonight me and my friends are going to Spider Lounge.

- You're coming with. - I don't know.

- It's not really my scene. - Tsk.

Mitchee, you don't have a scene.

Come on, you gotta get yourself out of your funk.

- I like my funk. - No, you gotta fight the funk.

- Come out with us. - I don't think so.

Come on, come on, come on, come on. Come on. Come on, come on.

You're gonna keep saying that until I say yes, aren't you?

Come on, come on, come on. Come on, come on.

- Come on. Come on. - Okay, okay. I'll go.

Oh! I was one away from giving up.

[theme song]

? Oh sister sister hey sister ?

? Come on let's rock the boat ?

? When you try to be on the ground ?

? Let's all cheero ?

? Whoa-oh-oh-oh ?

? Whoa-oh-oh-oh ?

? Oh let's head to dock ?

? You wanna rock the boat ?

? Whoa-oh-oh-oh ??

[instrumental music]

Lee, Farrah, I've got great news.

It turns out my sister's going to be able to

join us for Thanksgiving.

- Oh. - Oh, no.

I know. I'm excited too.

Dad, no offense, but Aunt Judy is a complete and utter bummer.

- Farrah. - Yes, honey, just think it.

Don't say it.

Okay, fine. So Judy is not exactly a ray of sunshine.

But she's family, and it's not her fault she's..

- A loser? - No.

A droopy sad sack?

A sucking black hole from which no fun can escape?

Okay, let's go with loser.

But keep in mind Judy has never had it easy.

And she's been especially lonely since her cat died.

It committed suicide.

- We don't know that. - Why?

Because we never found a note?

You know, I don't think it's too much to ask

that we do our best to keep Aunt Judy's mind off her misery.

- What's going on? - Aunt Bummer's coming.

Oh, crap.

Come on. Give Aunt Judy a chance.

- She can be a lot of fun. - Oh, yeah?

Then why did Whiskers take all those pills?

[instrumental music]

Dolly, my sister will be here in less than an hour.

Then I better put out the tissues and hide the cat.

Stop it. I want everyone to stay upbeat and positive about Judy.

She must be close. It's starting to rain.

Lee, please, we've got to make her feel good about her life.

That is not your job.

No, technically that's the job of her medication.

First of all, it is not your fault

that she is lonely and miserable.

Second of all, you are not responsible for her happiness.

And third, you are not doing her any favors by babying her.

Lee, I'm her big brother. If I don't protect her, who will?

Not me. She brings me down.

[instrumental music]

- Whoo! - Whoo!

Mitchee, your turn.

Uh, I'm just gonna finish this chapter.

So, what's your book about?

Oh, is it about horses?

Sorry, you guys, she's just reading

to take her mind off of Jordan.

- Who's Jordan? - Is he cute?

Does he like horses?

Hey, look, there's Colin Farrell.

- Oh my God! - God, I love him!

Okay, that is way not cool. That's not Colin Farrell.

No, behind him.

- Oh my God! - God, I love him!

Okay, two can play this game.

Hey, hey, hey, there's the famous guy nerds like.

- Nice try. - No, behind him.

Come on, Mitchee. Stop being so lame.

I'm not. It's just someone's gotta be the designated driver.

Don't worry about that. Cara's driving.

That makes seven!

Okay, we'll take a cab. But just let yourself go.

- I got your back. - I don't need to let myself go.

I happen to be a very controlled person.

How's that workin' out for ya?

- Great. - So, you're happy?

Uh, you know, I-I mean..

Ah, what the hell.

- Yeah! - Whoo!

[book thuds]

[instrumental music]

Okay, okay, yeah, yeah. I can't wait to see you.

Bye-bye. Oh, my God. They are driving up right now.

Lee, you are not gonna believe this.

Judy is bringing a boyfriend.

Is this somebody that we can see?

Yes, it's someone we can see.

Is it a hostage situation?

Oh, alright. Here she is.

[stammering] Now, just act natural.

The last thing I want is for us to make a big deal out of this.

- Oh, hi. - Alan! Oh.

- Lee. - Hi, Judy.

- This is my boyfriend Wally. - Nice to meet you.

You see him too, right?

Welcome to our home.

If you're here against your will

just tap your foot.

Okay, this is great, so drink if you're wearing panties.

Uh, or not.

- Whoo! - Whoo!

What's that? A smile on your face?

Yep.

You know why? 'Cause you're not reading.

Thanks, Cara. You're such a good friend.

- I love you. - I love you too.

You know what I never told you?

When I first met you, I thought you were an idiot.

Oh, my God. I know. Everybody says that.

Hey, you guys, you guys. Bring it in, bring it in.

So I'm in the bathroom before, right?

And the stall door shuts, so I'm like

"Maybe somebody's in there," right?

But then I'm like, "Wait, maybe nobody's in there."

So then I push the door open

and it opens, and somebody's in there.

[laughing]

Okay, your first drunken story. A solid C+.

Look, full shot glass.

That guy couldn't hold his liquor. Get it?

[chuckles] That's hysterical!

Oh, my God. I think I just peed a little.

So how did you two meet?

Oh, Wally tells it better than I do.

Chat room.

- Isn't he great? - Great? He's better than great.

He's here.

- This calls for champagne. - I will get it.

And break out the good stuff.

Someone's got a boyfriend and a computer.

[knocking on door]

May I have a word with the lady of the house?

Sure, Wally.

Did you know that when condors mate

they push their breasts together

and intertwine their necks?

[chuckles lightly] Are you into birds?

No, I'm into mating.

- Oh. - And pushing breasts together.

I like birds.

Do you know how porcupines mate?

Very carefully.

[laughs]

I'm very careful.

- Wally, are you hitting on me? - Believe it.

Oh, my God. Eww!

- So what do you say? - 'Lee!'

Quit hogging Wally. Judy's getting lonely.

Coming, honey.

Guess what Judy just told me?

- She and Wally are registered. - They're getting married?

No, they're registered to vote in the same county.

It makes him less of a flight risk.

- Alan, Wally just hit on me. - What?

He did. He said something about..

I don't know, pushing our breasts together

and condors and a porcupine and..

Wally, just hit on you?

- Yeah. - Oh, my God. Eww!

I'm gonna kill him. Give me that knife block.

- Well, you can't stab him. - Who said I was gonna stab him?

I'm gonna bludgeon him.

If you bludgeoned everybody who hit on me

then we would never get any mail or UPS

'or somebody to fix the cable'

or to teach us tennis, or to clean the aquarium-

- I get your point, Lee. - 'Or..'

- Or to groom the dog. - We don't have a dog.

I know, that guy was way out of line.

Okay, I'm not gonna bludgeon Wally.

Let's just go back in there and pretend nothing happened.

We can't do that.

Well, make up your mind, Lee.

- Pretend or bludgeon? - Nope.

You have to tell Judy that her boyfriend hit on me.

I can't do that. That would absolutely crush her.

It's not your job to protect her from everything.

She deserves to know the truth.

Lee, I resent the fact that as long as we have been married

you have tried to tell me how to deal with Judy.

- I'm just trying to help. - Well, I don't need your help.

She is my sister. And I know what's best for her.

Hey, you guys. How's it going?

Everything's great. Especially

your relationship, no reason to question it.

This is the best Thanksgiving ever.

Alan, if you don't tell her, I will.

Alright, fine. I'll tell her.

First thing in the morning.

Right after I get rid of the aquarium

cancel the cable, and bludgeon the tennis instructor.

[instrumental music]

- Morning. - Please stop yelling.

Thanks for letting me crash on the couch.

We got crazy last night, didn't we?

I got a little crazy

but you kept flashing your boobs in the mirror.

I did that? I thought that was some girl flashing me.

Do you remember anything else?

I remember doing some shots

and then doing some more shots.

And then laughing a lot.

And then at some point I was making out with a cute guy.

What was his name?

Hey, dude, what's your name?

- Derek. - Derek.

Hi, Derek.

Uh, well, Derek. Thank you for the visit.

I'm Mitchee, and have a great day.

Oh, my God. I-I, I had a one-night stand.

I slept with a stranger.

Well, it's not like you do that great with the guys

that you know.

- How could you let me do this? - You were having fun.

What was I supposed to do?

- Stop me. - I tried.

You hissed at me and then licked his neck.

Besides, you should be thanking me.

For what?

For getting your mind off of Jordan.

Yeah, great, now it's on the fact that I slept

with some guy whose name I can't even remember.

Well, from what I could hear you yelling last night

it's either "yes" or "God."

Just shut up, okay? I don't wanna talk about this anymore.

- Just go. - Really?

- No brekkie? - Get out!

You're kicking me out after I had to sleep through that?

Get out.

[hisses]

[instrumental music]

- Will there be anything else? - I think we're fine.

- Thank you, Dolly. - Good. 'Cause..

...it's kickoff time and I got 50 bucks on the Lions.

Those Lions, they can't lose.

Thanks, you big jinx.

And happy Thanksgiving to you too.

So what did Judy say when you told her about Wally?

- Happy Thanksgiving. - You didn't tell her.

- No, I didn't. - So you lied to me.

Yes, I did. Because I know what's best.

- Tell me what? - Okay, okay!

The cranberry sauce is from a can. There, I said it!

Oh, well, as long as it's nothing about Wally.

What about Wally?

Oh, we were just saying we hope you like turkey.

I have a pretty good idea that Wally likes breasts.

- What do you mean? - Oh, I don't know.

What do I mean, Alan?

Oh, uh.. Girls, girls, come.

Sit, distract.

- I'm not sitting next to her. - Why? What's the matter?

You think I wanna be next to you?

Girls, girls, your Aunt Judy didn't leave the comfort

of her studio apartment, and drag her man friend

all this way to spend an evening with the bicker twins.

Here's to the happiest Thanksgiving ever.

So what's going on with you girls?

Don't tell me I'm the only one at this table with a boyfriend.

Yeah, still lookin'.

But don't try to help Mitchee with boys because

she might get mad and kick you out of her apartment.

Why did you kick Farrah out of your apartment?

I don't wanna get into it. It's inappropriate.

- She had a one-night stand. - Okay, super. Let's move on.

- Was he cute? - Let's move further on.

I was just trying to show you a good time.

Well, next time take me to a movie

not to a bar where I get so trashed

I take a guy home that I don't even know.

And ride him like a swing set.

Okay, well, you promised inappropriate

and you delivered.

Let's each take a moment to talk about what we are thankful for.

- I'm thankful for- - Not you.

I'm thankful that I'm not a tight-ass prude

who's so rigid that the one time

she loses a little control

she freaks out and blames her sister.

Oh, well, I'm thankful that unlike you

and your brain-dead booze hound friends

my life is not a 24-hour loop of "Girls Gone Wild."

Okay well, for me, there's my health.

The thing I'm thankful for is Wally.

What else you got?

Damn it, those candy-ass Lions just missed an easy field goal.

- That bottle is not empty. - It will be.

Why are you blaming me when you're just mad at yourself?

- What are you talking about? - "Hey, I'm perfect Mitchee."

"I never lie or curse or forge a prescription."

"Oh, no, I did something naughty. What am I gonna do?"

"I'm not living up to the image I set for myself

when I was eight years old. How am I gonna face myself?"

No, you know what I can't face?

The fact that when I woke up this morning hungover

next to a stranger that I slept with

I turned into the one thing that I never wanted to be.

- What? Fun? - No, you.

I never wanted to be you, Farrah.

Oh, yeah, well, I'd never wanna be you.

G-girls, girls, wait. Girls!

Ooh, chick fight. Bonus.

I'm going to watch football.

Wow, you'd think Mitchee would realize

that adults are responsible for their own actions

and that it's not up to their sibling

to be responsible for them.

- Right, Alan? - You're right.

Your boyfriend made a pass at Lee.

Oh, my God. It also applies to you and your sister.

I didn't even see that.

- Wally hit on you? - I'm sorry, Judy.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry too

because you must have misinterpreted it.

(Dolly) 'Get your hands off me, you little sea monkey.'

Guess who tried to climb Mount Dolly?

She had her back turned. I thought it was you.

What the hell is wrong with you?

You couldn't control yourself for two days?

Don't be too hard on him. He's just a man.

Go wait in the car.

We're leaving in the morning.

I'm sorry. I should have told you earlier.

But I-I didn't want you to be hurt.

It's okay. He's not my boyfriend.

He's not? Then who is he?

Just some guy who sold me some Beanie Babies on eBay.

I brought him here because

I'm sick of you always feeling sorry for me.

I figured if you thought I had a boyfriend

that you'd stop treating me like some baby bird

you had to protect!

Judy, I.. I had no idea you felt that way.

Well, now you know.

Alan.

I know what you're going to say.

You were right, and I was wrong.

No, I was going to say that your sister is very lucky.

Well, obviously you've never played bingo with her.

Or been on a boat with her during a lightning storm.

No, she's lucky because she has you as a brother.

Sure, you have no clue what you're doing

but your heart is always in the right place.

I just feel so bad for her.

Alan, you can't make everything perfect for everybody.

But I love the fact that you always try to.

And you know what?

You make things pretty damn good for me.

Thank you, Lee. That's very sweet.

And you know what the most important thing

that I wanna tell you is?

I was right, and you were wrong.

This wine was too oaky. You got something fruitier?

[instrumental music fades]

[fire crackling]

[knocking on door]

- Hey, can I, uh- - Yes, you may apologize.

How'd you know I was gonna apologize?

Because you're doing your apology walk.

I have an apology walk?

Yes, it's just like your excited walk

only slower and more sorry.

Well, I thought about what you said, and you were right.

I shouldn't have blamed you.

I mean, I'm responsible for my own actions.

And it's not up to you to protect me.

I just don't understand why you're so bummed

about hooking up with a cutie.

Well, it's just not who I am.

Well, you did it, so it's part of who you are.

And it's okay because we're not all just one thing.

I mean, maybe you're part brainiac and part party girl.

I guess. And you know, maybe you're not all party girl.

I mean, maybe deep down inside there's a part of you

that wants to be in control and responsible.

Yeah, right. Maybe.

Anyway, thanks for getting my mind off of Jordan

and getting me out.

Any time.

By the way, last night, did I really yell-

"God" and "Yes," and one "Who's your mommy?"

[outro music]

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