Original subtitles

[indistinct chatter]

[phone ringing]

Well, happy Halloween everybody.

I'm off to my party.

Whoa! Don't cross my path.

I have to. I'm going to the elevator.

I know I was making a joke.

Were you?

Anyway, I like your costume.

Eager stock boy. Props and everything.

That's not what I'm doing.

This is a donation to the old age home.

You know, it's a surplus from our sexy seniors line.

Oh, right.

I still don't know why thongs for old people didn't catch on.

Well, the important thing is, you had an idea

and we spent a lot of money on it.

Alright, well, I gotta get goin'

My party's in Mill Valley.

Wait. Mill Valley? That's where this donation is going.

You can drop it off and save me the trip.

Mm, no, thanks.

- Old people scare me. - Why?

I don't know, they're just funky.

Right, I remember you mentioning that

at Grandpa Joe's funeral.

Sis, I can't drop off the box because I have to help mom

pass out candy.

I'll help mom pass out candy.

But you don't know how to do it.

Mm, I know that kids say "Trick or treat"

but then do I put the candy in the bags their holding open

or just wing it into traffic?

Ooh, sarcastic stock boy.

[theme song]

? Oh, sister sister hey Sister ?

? Come on let's rock the boat ?

? When you're tryin' to be on the ground ?

? Now let's all cheero ?

? Whoa oh-oh-oh! ?

? Whoa oh-oh-oh! ?

? Oh hey sister don't you wanna rock the boat? ?

? Whoa-oh-oh-oh! ??

[door bell ringing]

I'll get it. Dolly, where's the candy?

I'm looking for it!

Oh, here it is.

Well, hurry! Our first trick or treater is here.

We're low on Snickers.

Oh, Mitchee. Happy Halloween.

Wow, dad, you really went all out.

Uh, you think the wig's a little much?

I don't know. We'll see after I put it on.

[sinister laughter]

- Wow, mom, you look awesome. - I am the mistress of death.

Oh, well, you know, one of these days

death is gonna leave his wife and start stringing you along.

Perhaps later, you and I can go for a little roll in the casket.

That's an image I could have done without.

- Where is your costume? - Oh, um, I'm wearing it.

I'm an eager stock boy.

I don't think the kids are gonna get that.

Well, I thought the people who were giving out candy

could just come as they are.

No, you are the Crypt Keeper.

When the doorbell rings

you have to answer it and you say

"Welcome to the Crypt of Death."

How are you at laughing like a maniac?

I gotta be honest, mom, the most you're gonna get

out of me is smirking like a maniac.

Okay, then lead them to the tomb

and I will jump out and scare the crap out of them.

That's entertainment.

[upbeat music]

Underwear donation, leaving it on the desk.

Excuse me, miss, can you help me?

(Ruth) 'You, the blonde.'

[rapid tapping]

'The one ignoring me'

'and pressing the elevator button'

'with her left hand.'

'Now the right hand.'

You in the cat suit. I know you can hear me.

No, I can't.

Please, I need you for just a minute.

[exhales]

[upbeat music]

[doorbell dinging]

(Lee) 'Alan, will you answer that?'

'I'm getting Mitchee a costume.'

I got it.

Oh, my God.

[tapping]

[knocking]

What the...

C-come back here, you little coward!

Look at the mess you made on my nice clean carpet.

- Oh, crap! - Congratulations.

You were the last person in America who didn't know

the flaming dog poo trick.

You know what, Dolly? That kid made this mess.

He is gonna clean it up.

I am gonna catch him and teach him a lesson.

Good idea. You go get him.

I'll guard the Butterfingers.

Mom, I can't believe you kept all of my old costumes.

I loved making them for you, and you were so cute in them.

But wait a minute. Maybe this one will still fit.

I don't wanna wear a costume, mom.

What happened to you?

You used to love dressing up for Halloween.

I wouldn't say "love."

But you always looked so happy in your costumes, remember?

Oh, right. Bird, leopard, stripper gal.

You know, I think it's been long enough

that I can just tell you now.

I never actually wore the costumes.

What? Of course you did.

I have all these great pictures of you leaving the house

in your costume.

Yeah, but as soon as I got out of the house

I'd go behind the hedge and change back

into my regular clothes.

Wow! I had no idea.

I know, mom. I'm sorry.

Well, now all those calls make sense.

What calls?

The ones that said our daughter was naked

in the bushes.

And I just assumed it was Farrah.

[upbeat music]

Thank you for helping me, dear.

It's so hard to get those stockings off by myself.

Well, it was easy once we figured out

you were wearing two pair.

Uh...

Okay, well, happy Halloween.

- Take care. - 'Uh, wait.'

Would you mind just keeping me company till my daughter comes?

It shouldn't be long.

Oh, you know what? I can't.

I-I have to get to my...cat house.

Not that I'm a, you know..

- I meant cat house, like- - Come, sit by me.

So, this daughter of yours, is she a fast driver?

- What's troubling you, dear? - Nothing.

Sometimes it's good to open up.

Okay. Well...I'm a model.

And as such, I'm hot.

But one day, I'm not gonna be hot anymore.

I'll just be old.

And you know what comes right after old? Dead.

Which scares me even more than old.

And in a place like this, everywhere I look, I see death

I smell death, I hear death.

Death, death, death.

And sometimes it's good to keep your yap shut.

[doorbell ringing]

[ominous organ music]

(kids) Trick or treat!

Welcome to the Crypt of Death!

[sinister laugh]

Follow me to the tomb.

Those who live will get peanut butter cups.

Do any among you have weak hearts

high blood pressure, back problems?

Good. Then open the tomb if you dare.

[creaking]

Boo.

I know my heart's pounding.

Tell all of your friends, and feel free to embellish.

Here you go.

Boo? That's it?

That's all I got.

Is this about me not wearing the costumes?

Why couldn't you have just told me?

Mom, come on, it was like 15 years ago.

What was it?

- Nothing. Forget it. - Tell me.

Why weren't you honest with me?

I didn't want to hurt your feelings. Okay?

I mean, those costumes were such a big deal to you

and I-I was just trying to protect you.

Why, you didn't think that I could take it?

I don't know, mom.

I mean, I guess I just thought that you were..

...a little fragile.

[voice shaking] I am not fragile.

I know, mom. I was way off.

I can't believe that you thought you had to take care of me.

Your father and I are supposed to take care of you.

We are the adults. We are the mature ones.

The little bastard egged me.

I need to find my slingshot and pee into a water balloon.

[upbeat music]

Wow, that kid really did a number on you.

Yeah. And you know what is so frustrating?

Is that I am never gonna catch him.

Ugh! He's too fast. He's too clever.

He's too diabolical.

I got him.

- That is teamwork, Dolly. - What did you do?

- He gave up hope. - Where did you find him?

He was putting Vaseline on your door knob.

Oh, that is very funny.

Until someone has to use that door.

So, what do you wanna do?

- Call the cops? - No.

This little delinquent is gonna learn a lesson

he is never gonna forget.

You know how you're gonna spend

the rest of your Halloween?

On your hands and knees

scrubbing this floor.

Oh.

I didn't know you were..

I mean, uh..

Okay, you get out of here.

- What? - And don't do it again.

What happened to that lesson he is never gonna forget?

You're right, Dolly.

No candy for you.

[wrappers rustling]

Okay, but that's it.

It looks like you didn't get any Milky Ways in there.

Here, here. Here you go. Alright.

Come on. Scram.

So, your family's from Holland? That's so interesting.

You have to unlock it first, dear.

Listen. I understand how you feel about death.

I used to feel the same way.

- You did? - Yes.

But then I looked at a tulip.

Oh. I understand.

But I haven't explained it yet.

Good. Go on.

Sir down, dear.

I looked at this flower

and I suddenly thought

this beautiful thing wouldn't be here

if the tulips that came before it didn't step aside

to make room for it.

Aw! That's beautiful.

Yes, we're all beautiful, but at one point, we have to step aside

to let other beautiful things grow.

[clicking tongue] Wow, Ruth.

You know, I've always been so uncomfortable around old people

but I've never really sat down and talked to one before.

You're like regular people, except older.

And sometimes not so regular.

I wish I'd taken the time to get to know old people.

I have so many questions.

Oh, just ask me anything.

Well...can you still..

You know?

No, I don't know, dear.

You know...get there.

- Get there? - You know, get there.

Oh, get there.

[chuckles] We used to call it something else in my day.

We still call it that, you dirty bird.

[guffawing]

[upbeat music]

No, mom, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings before

when I said you were fragile.

It's okay. It's fine.

Can you get me some paper towels?

Sure.

Oh, uh, it looks like you're out.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God, it can't be!

[sighs]

What are you doin'?

How could you just tell me

that we are out of paper towels

when you know how fragile I am?

I get it.

The pain, the pain, if only someone

had shielded me from it.

Okay, mom, you've made your point.

Well, how did you expect me to feel

when I hear that you had to lie

to protect my feelings?

Okay, but how do you think it felt for me to have to worry

about protecting your feelings?

I know exactly how it felt

because I spent a lot of time protecting yours.

[scoffs] What are you talking about?

When did you ever have to protect my feelings?

Well, I can't think of one right now.

That's right, 'cause there are none.

You're right, Mitchee.

Can you hand me the bag of candy corn?

Oh, there's none left.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

- Mom, stop it. - No, this is for real.

I ate a whole bag of candy corn?

And that's how I got the nickname Rumple Seat.

[laughing]

Wow, you wet girl.

Well, this was really great, Ruth.

Talking to you has changed the way I look at old people

and life and death. Okay, I'm gonna bounce.

- Oh, really? - Yeah, I got that party.

(Ruth) 'Oh, right.'

Before you go, would-would you mind

getting me some water?

Suddenly, I'm a little not well.

Are you gonna be okay?

[sighing] I think so.

Okay, well, good.

I'm gonna get going to my party.

Who knows? Maybe I'll meet a dog there.

Let him sniff around. Meow!

You know about that better than anyone, right, Rumple Seat?

Rumple Seat? Ruth?

[rustling]

You let that kid go just because he was black, didn't you?

That's absurd. Why would I do that?

Because you've got liberal white guilt.

- What? No, I don't. - You're overcompensating.

Just like the time when you took a month

to tell me how Stella got her groove back.

I was touched.

First, she didn't have her groove

and then she did.

Okay, fine.

Maybe I feel a little guilty

about how lucky I am, and sometimes, I overcompensate

because I know the world is not a fair place for everyone

and I wish it were.

You know what, Alan?

You're right about one thing.

The world is an unfair place.

I just wish that there was something

I could do to change that.

Even if it were a small thing, a-a gesture.

That sure would be nice, but, you know I can't think

of a single thing.

Now I'd best be getting down

and start scrubbin' these floors.

- Oh! - Wait a minute, Dolly.

- I have an idea. - Oh, I can't talk now, Alan.

This poo is settin' in somethin' fierce.

No, Dolly, don't let that sponge you.

I am going to clean the poo.

But, Alan, you gotta save those knees for your squash game.

Dolly, I insist. I am cleaning the poo.

Well, the burden of oppression is finally lifted.

Uh, don't scrub in circles, honey.

You're just spreadin' it around.

That's it, darlin'.

[upbeat music]

Bye, Ruth. I'll always remember you.

Mom, sorry I'm late. Oh, hello.

Are you Ruth's daughter?

Yes, I'm Danielle, and you are?

Farrah, I have some really bad news for you, Danielle.

- Ruth's gone. - No, she's not.

Yes, she is. But you know what? It's okay.

She was ready, and because of her, I am, too.

- Mom, get up. - It's okay.

- She's with the tulips now. - Mom!

(Ruth) 'You were supposed to be here an hour ago.'

My meeting ran long. I'm sorry.

She always dies when I'm late.

But the nurse said-

Yeah, they have an arrangement.

(Farrah) 'Wait-wait a minute.'

You just pretended to die

so that I would keep you company?

It was only until my daughter got here.

- That is so uncool. - Getting old sucks.

But what about the flowers an-and moving aside

for beautiful things?

I heard that crap on "Dr. Phil."

You know what?

You can take your tulips and shove them up

your rumple seat.

Old people.

[upbeat music]

[doorbell dinging]

[ominous organ music]

Come in!

Welcome to the Crypt of Death.

[sinister laugh]

- Mitchee Arnold? - Gordy Hanson?

Oh, my God.

- How are you? - You look great.

(Mitchee) 'Oh, thank you.'

Is this guy yours?

Yes, yes. Wayne, this is Mitchee.

She was a friend of daddy's in high school.

Hi, Wayne.

Wow, it's so great to see you.

Who wants to die?

[Wayne screaming]

Mom, look.

It's getting kind of hot in here.

I'm sorry. Do you need to go get him?

No, it's okay. My wife's got him.

- Wife? - Yeah, Cheryl.

I thought..

Aren't you gay?

Gordy Hanson?

Uh-oh.

Why would you think I was gay?

Well, you were supposed to take me to prom

but you called my mom and canceled

because you said you were tired of living a lie?

That's what you told her? I never said that.

I was never good at taking messages.

Okay, well, I'm gonna..

Wait.

What was the real reason that you canceled on me?

Look, I'm not proud, but I met another girl

at the Dairy Queen that afternoon.

What?

I-I looked for a dress for four weeks

and then I had my shoes dyed to match it.

I mean, I spent three hours on my hair.

Again, not proud. Sorry!

- Mom? - Yes, dear?

Why did you tell me that Gordy was gay?

Well, he could be. He dresses like a pirate.

Mom, come on.

[sighs]

How do you think you would have felt

if I would have told you the truth?

I would have been perfectly..

...devastated.

I took one look at you in your little purple dress

and your little purple dyed shoes and you just looked so..

Fragile.

I was gonna say purple, but yes, fragile too.

So you were just protecting my feelings?

Mm-hmm.

Are there any other times you've lied to protect me?

No.

Are you lying to protect me right now?

Yes.

Wow, you are good.

[Lee chuckles]

I'm glad you were looking out for me.

Hey, you're my daughter.

I'll lie to your face any day.

[upbeat music]

[ending theme]

[production theme]

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