Original subtitles

[indistinct chatter]

Morning, Mitchee.

How can you be in such a good mood?

Oh, I love the new mirrors in the elevator.

The top of my head is so cute.

Doesn't it bother you in the least

that we both got traffic tickets?

- I didn't get a ticket. - What?

Well, we both ran the red light. You were right behind me.

- He let me off with a warning. - You're kidding.

I get the feeling he really liked my bra.

- You're not wearing a bra. - I was.

And he gave me his sunglasses.

- Cool, right? - This is so typical.

I got a $200 ticket and I have to go to traffic school.

Do you want the sunglasses?

No, I want to live in a fair world.

A bra for sunglasses.

What's not fair about that?

? Oh sister sister hey sister ?

? Come on let's rock the boat ?

? When you're tryin' to be on the ground ?

? Now let's all cheero ?

? Whoa oh-oh-oh ?

? Whoa oh-oh-oh ?

? Oh hey sister ?

? Don't you wanna rock the boat? ?

? Whoa oh-oh-oh ??

[instrumental music]

Oh, whose birthday is it, Alan?

Jorge and .

That was last Friday.

You're eating birthday cake that is a week-old for breakfast.

No, Lee, I had a grand slam for breakfast.

This is just a nosh till lunch.

Mmm.. What are you looking at?

The Russos emailed us a picture from their pool party.

[chuckles] Oh, let me see.

Oh, wow! You are a perfect ten.

[chuckles] And standing next to Phil Russo.

You two look like the number ten.

[laughs] A man has really let himself go.

Phil and I have the same swim trunks.

- That's you, Alan? - Yeah, if I was a minivan.

[laughs]

Oh, dear God, there's Phil in the background

working the barbecue.

That is me.

I'm a fatty, Lee.

I think you're adorable.

Well, I think I need to do something about it.

What am I gonna do about it?

Well, if you want to lose weight, I'll help you.

- Really? - Yeah.

As a model, I learned a lot about diet and exercise.

I also learned how to hide my nipples with Band-Aids.

But that's for another day.

- Okay, Lee. When do we start? - Right now. Put the cake down.

But I didn't get to eat the rose.

That's good.

Now, I'm gonna put you on a rigorous program

of diet and exercise.

Diet and exercise. Who does both?

People who like the way they look in bathing suits.

Well, maybe I'm overreacting. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I look okay.

Hello!

Lee, when were you at a pool party

with Michael Moore?

[upbeat music]

[chuckles]

Hey, Mitch. What are you doing?

Looking up stupid traffic schools.

Speaking of which, you'll be happy to know

that I got pulled over on my way to lunch

and the cop gave me a ticket.

That's what you get for not keeping a spare bra

in your glove compartment.

No, I got a moving violation.

Please tell me that's not a euphemism.

No, I got a real ticket.

For what?

A legal left turn through a crosswalk..

...at a grade school.

How come you couldn't flirt your way out of it?

Gay cop.

And apparently he and his partner have a kid

at the grade school.

Oh, that is an outrage.

Yeah, tell me about it.

So where are we going to traffic school?

I downloaded a list of ones in the area.

Oh, look, they have one at our old high school.

- We got to go there. - Why do we have to go there?

'Cause it'll be fun. It'll be like high school.

Yeah, that would be great to go revisit

the worst four years of my life.

The only difference between that

and my recurring nightmares, I'll be dressed.

Come on, Mitch, high school rocked.

Yeah, for you, it did.

When you're a hot blonde, you coast through everything.

- What are you saying? - That you got by on your looks?

- That is so not true. - Oh, please.

I mean, you never studied.

You cut class all the time.

You got a B plus on a science project called

"We All Have Feet."

Mitchee, you always exaggerate this.

No one treats me any differently because of the way that I look.

[knocks on door]

- Hi, Danny. - Hey, Farrah.

Double decaf latte.

And I threw in a blueberry muffin

'cause I know how much you like 'em.

Ah!

Thank you, Danny.

- Hey, can I get a muffin? - Sure.

Just come down to the lobby. We're open until 6:00.

[instrumental music]

Okay, try sit-ups.

How about helping me get my face off the floor?

[panting] Oh, Lee, I have no strength and even less stamina.

There's got to be some other way. Some kind of shortcut.

Well, sure, there are lots of shortcuts.

I mean, you could take diet pills.

You can make yourself throw up.

You could even smoke cigarettes.

But this isn't about shortcuts.

This is about doing it the right way.

The healthy way.

You're right, Lee. You're absolutely right.

Didn't know you were a smoker, boss.

Just trying to get into better shape.

[coughing]

First time? Well, don't be discouraged.

It's like sex. Nobody's good at it their first time.

But before you know it

you're out behind a building doing it

with a bunch of strangers.

That's inspiring, mmm.

It's kind of depressing out here.

Well, we used to have the smokers lounge

but then, ooh, you can't smoke indoors.

And then we used to smoke in front of the building

but ooh, daycare center.

Is it raining?

It's the air conditioner from the fourth floor.

They store fur.

You can have stand spot. It's dry.

- Where's Stan? - He's no longer with us.

You know what? I can't do this. It's disgusting.

We're standing in a filthy alley

with rusty water dripping on our heads

all for the opportunity to suck noxious fumes into our bodies.

[vehicles honking]

Quitter.

[upbeat music]

God, doesn't this place bring back memories?

Yeah, I had French three in this room.

I Frenched Mike Redmond for three hours in this room.

There wasn't a Mike Redmond.

There was a Mr. Redmond.

Ew!

Good morning, crappy drivers.

My name is Don, I'll be your instructor today.

You can pull out your manuals and turn to page one.

"Driving is a privilege, not a right."

Over the course of the next eight hours, you will..

Well, hello..

- Hi, Don. - What are you in for?

I did a very bad thing.

Oh, I bet you did.

- Don. - No, no.

No, this isn't fair. You know my name.

- I don't know yours. - I'm Farrah.

Don, why don't you just give her

your glasses so we can move on?

Sanitation vehicles make frequent stops.

Therefore, the only safe side to pass them is which one?

(Don) 'Farrah.'

The right?

- Or it might be.. - The left.

Correctamundo. Yes.

Wow! You're on fire. You're so hot.

So hot!

Yes, yes. What?

Aren't we supposed to get a break?

- Not for another 20 minutes. - Don, I'm tired.

Alright. Farrah makes a good point.

Um..

...let's take a fiver.

Thanks, Don. You're the best.

[indistinct chatter]

Mitchee, wait? Do you wanna take a walk?

Yeah. By myself.

What's with the bitter kitty face?

It's like high school all over again.

Farrah is so pretty that she gets everything she wants.

Hey, Farrah, wanna cut in line in the cafeteria?

Hey, Farrah, wanna make the PA announcements?

Sure you can park there, Farrah.

Being hungover is a handicap.

You think I had it easy? You so don't get it.

[scoffs] Please, I mean, you had, like, no problems in high school.

- Yeah I did. - Oh, really?

Did you have a zit one day?

No, it was a lot bigger than that.

Oh, now, Farrah had a big problem.

Well, tell me, what was your big problem in high school?

- You wanna know? - Yeah, I do.

- You sure you wanna know? - Yes.

My big problem was you, Mitchee.

Excuse me, were you in my class?

Have you seen a hot blonde number?

Goes by the name of Farrah.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

What was that about?

I was your big problem in high school?

Mitchee..

...do you know how hard it was

to always be in your shadow?

What are you talking about?

Everyone was always like

"Mitchee is so smart. Why aren't you?"

"Mitchee's so talented. Why aren't you?"

"Mitchee's a junior. Why aren't you?"

I mean, why do you think we are who we are today?

Why do you think I'm the model

and you're the brainiac who doesn't even wear makeup?

- I wear makeup. - When?

Every day.

- In your face? - Yes, on my face.

Even today?

I'm gonna say no just to end this conversation.

The point is

I could never compete with how smart you were.

Well, you never cared about stuff like that.

- Look over there. - Oh, wow.

(Mitchee) 'Mrs. Rowan's Winner of the Week.'

Yeah, and you know how you won it

like, a thousand weeks in a row.

That's your big problem.

That I got recognized for my academic initiative.

Well, too bad, Farrah, I mean, I worked my ass off to earn that.

Yeah, well, you know what? So did I.

- Yeah, right. - Mitchee.

You know, the week you had mono

and the chess club was on retreat

and Jacob Friedman was in the hospital

for the model rocket accident.

Well, that was the one week

when I thought, this is my chance.

And we were studying the World War with Mexico.

- You mean the war with Mexico? - That's what I said.

And every morning, I would work

on this papier-m�ch� model of the Alamo.

And it was like, the best thing I ever made.

But you know whose name Mrs. Rowan

put on the board that week? Yours.

- But I wasn't even in school. - Exactly.

And that's when I realized that

I was just never going to be a Winner of the Week.

I'm so sorry. I mean, that's just so unfair.

After that, I just kind of stopped trying.

Hey, Farrah. There you are.

Uh, we're about to start again.

Okay, Don, we'll be right there.

Great. I'll be waiting.

Well, we should get back.

No, there's something more important we have to do.

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

Mmm..

(Lee) 'Alan.'

What are you doing?

Just having a healthy snack, dear.

There's powdered sugar on your carrot.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life like Anushka Burmaya?

Absolutely not. Who's that?

When I started out as a model

she was my biggest competition.

And then she landed a year long contract in Switzerland.

And there she discovered Toblerone.

So she got fat?

No, she showed up at a photo shoot

with chocolate lined around her mouth instead of lip liner.

- So she got fired? - Yes. And then she got fat.

I mean, the point is, is that she could have been

one of the biggest things in the whole world.

But now, well, actually, she is.

I'm sorry, Lee, I didn't hear anything you said

after Toblerone.

I'm never gonna lose this weight, I give up.

Neil, forward my calls to Tony Roma's.

See, his diet's going gangbusters.

Oh, no. He's hopeless.

And I feel bad because I can't help him.

Why don't you send him on a cruise?

That'll limit him to eight meals a day.

I just wish there was an exercise that he liked.

Hey, we could have sex.

Oh, no offense, Lee, but I like outies, not innies.

No, me and Alan.

Sex burns up a lot of calories

and he's very vigorous.

And he's surprisingly flexible.

[chuckles]

Please, I have no problem working with heterosexuals.

I just don't wanna know what they do in bed.

You don't have to do this, Mitchee.

Yes, we do. Come on.

Mrs. Rowan.

[chuckles] Mitchee Arnold, how are you?

- Oh! - Remember me?

Yeah. Hey.

So, Mitchee..

How have you been? What brings you back?

Well, this is gonna sound weird after all this time

but, you know, the Winner of the Week wall.

Well, do you remember the week that I was out sick with mono?

That sounds vaguely familiar.

Do you remember who the Winner of the Week was that week?

Well, I would assume it was you.

Well, it should have been my sister.

Remember when I brought in that great Alamo?

Oh, right. I have to admit, that was surprisingly good.

Wait, so why wasn't she the Winner of the Week?

Oh, cheese and crackers. That was almost ten years ago.

- Who cares? - Farrah cares. That's who.

I mean, why didn't she win?

Well, I guess I can tell you now.

She didn't need it.

- What? - Well, look at her.

- What does that mean? - You didn't need the wall.

When you look like that

everybody gives you everything on a platter.

Wait a minute, so, you didn't give it to her

'cause she's too pretty.

I mean, that's just wrong.

Ha-ha. My wall, my rules.

But she earned it.

You can't go around acting

like some all-powerful wall wizard.

I got tenure, I can do what I want.

No, you can't.

You owe her an apology

and we're not leaving until she gets one.

Fine. I'm sorry.

- You happy now? - Yes, I am.

And the next time a pretty girl hands in

an awesome Alamo with play dough Mexicans

and you don't put her on the wall

because you don't think she needs it

why don't you just remember that hotties are people too?

Let's get out of here.

Does Mr. Redmond still teach here?

[instrumental music]

- Hello, Neil. - Oh, uh, well, uh..

You might want me to hold that for you, slugger.

Why?

I'm just saying you might wanna have your hands free.

- Why? - Trust me.

Okay, but I know exactly how many ribs are in that swan.

Hello, Alan.

Close the door.

What's going on?

I thought of a good way for you to lose weight.

Come here.

[chuckles] What do you mean?

Sex? Right here in the office?

We always used to do it here.

Remember? We used to play naughty seamstress.

And what was I?

A very angry boss.

- Lee, stop it! Please. - Why?

Because I don't want pity sex.

- What are you talking about? - Come on.

You don't want to sleep with me.

How could you? Look at me?

- I am looking at you. - Don't look at me.

I'm not looking at you.

No, you don't. You think I'm adorable.

- Adorable is good. - No.

Good looking is good. Handsome is good.

Adorable is code for if this plane goes down, we eat him.

Alan, that is not true.

Well, then why are you pushing me so hard to lose weight?

What? I wasn't pushing you. I was only trying to help you.

Because I saw how upset you got about the pool picture.

Well, I was only upset because I thought

how disgusting I must be to you.

Lee, you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

And I, uh, I just started to worry

I'm not hot enough for you.

You know what, Alan?

When we first met

I worried that I wasn't smart enough for you.

Well, that's absurd.

You're plenty smart enough for me.

I know that.

And you're plenty hot enough for me.

You really think so?

Well, you may not be Brad Pitt

or George Clooney or Denzel Washington

or the guy who came to pave the driveway the other day

or the guy who was driving the truck..

- Or.. - Who might I be?

To me?

You're the man who's sexier than all of them.

- Combined? - No. Not combined.

Alright, I'll take it.

[chuckles]

- And you know what else? - What?

Put down your sewing kit, Miss Kwan. I am mad as hell.

Mr. Banks, please. I need this job.

Prove it.

[instrumental music]

Hey, Farrah. Something came for you in the mail.

- My certificate. - Yep.

And according to the State of California

you have not only completed traffic school

you've done so in a way that is satisfactory.

Sweet.

Oh, look.

Don wrote down his phone number.

And directions to his apartment.

You know where we're gonna put yours?

Where?

On the Winner of the Week wall.

Oh, my God!

- Hey, girls. - Dad.

I am finally Winner of the Week.

Way to go, Farrah.

I have no idea what that means.

Oh, Alan, will you tell Miss Kwan

to get her butt in here right away, please?

- She's coming. - Who's Miss Kwan?

Let's just say

she's the luckiest seamstress in the world.

[upbeat music]

[ending theme]

[production theme]

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