Original subtitles

Well, happy birthday again, sis.

- Wait, you can't go yet. - Why not?

We have to wait for mom and dad to do our birthday surprise.

Oh, right.

I wonder what lame excuse they're gonna use

to pull us into their office.

Well, it's always one of two things.

They'll either act like they're really mad at us

or pretend there's some sort of emergency.

Yeah.

We'll find out in a few minutes.

[sighs]

Your teeth look nice.

Yeah, I've been using the new whitening strips.

Well, stay at it.

[door opens]

Girls, you get in our office right now.

I am really mad at you.

- Uh-oh. - We're in trouble now.

Girls, there's been a water main break.

Quick, our office is the only safe place.

And don't forget, I am really mad.

- Combo platter. - Yeah. Didn't see that coming.

[theme song]

? Oh sister sister hey sister ?

? Come on let's rock the boat ?

? When you're tryin' to be on the ground ?

? Now let's all cheero ?

? Whoa oh-oh-oh ?

? Whoa oh-oh-oh ?

? Oh hey sister don't you wanna rock the boat? ?

? Whoa oh-oh-oh ??

[instrumental music]

"And how effervescent is my heart, to find the words to say

"may every jewel be yours

my girls, on this, your natal day."

That is very touching, Alan.

I almost concentrated the whole time, daddy.

- Hey, let's do gifts now. - Happy birthday, Hannah.

[paper rips]

The Contessa Ionic 3600?

Oh, my God, it's just what I wanted.

It wasn't a tennis bracelet or a Pilates machine or money.

[chuckles]

And for you, sweetheart.

Hey, I just hope it's not another portable planetarium.

It most certainly is not.

Now I'm just gonna grab this

and we'll do your gift at later time.

There was something that I wanted to get you

that was even better.

Well, it's hard to top nothing.

- You would have loved it. - Not this again.

It was a miniature horse.

Oh, my God, Kathy Hilton got one of those for Paris and Nicky?

They're like stuffed animals, but they move.

Are you talking about the horses or the Hiltons?

I mean the horse the size of a dog?

Who wouldn't want that?

You know what? I'll just take the planetarium.

I can return it for something else.

It's not a planetarium.

But your father said that a miniature horse was insane.

I said inane. Two different words, dear.

Well, if it's not a planetarium, then what is it?

It's a reason for us to go all out at Christmas.

It's cake time.

[chuckles]

Alright, girls, make a wish

and maybe it'll come true.

Mine already has.

What about you, Mitchee? What are you gonna wish for?

Oh, I-I'm not really a big wisher.

Oh, come on, sweetie.

There must be something that you want.

Okay, fine, I'll make a wish.

[blowing]

Mind if I pop in?

Wow.

[laughing]

Come on in.

Just wanted to come say happy birthday.

- Oh, thanks, Jordan. - Thanks!

So, you two going out somewhere tonight to celebrate?

No, I'm pretty tired.

I think I'm just gonna go home and go to bed early.

Yeah, I think I'll go to bed early too.

That kind of hard living is gonna catch up with it.

Birthdays depress me.

I can't believe, I'm already 25.

What are you talking about? We're 29.

No, because if you were 29, then I would be..

Blah, diddy, blah, blah, blah.

25 is plenty.

Okay, I stand corrected.

I'm 29, but my twin sister is 25.

That must have been a rough labor.

No, I drank a whole bottle of olive oil

and these two just slid right out.

- Bloop. - Mom, please.

Could I just finish my story, Mitchee?

Bloop.

[instrumental music]

Okay, I have got fad, fade, fin, think.

- Fado. - Fado?

(both) It's a Portuguese folk song.

Mini, mina, mob, mote, and milt.

As in someone's uncle milt?

I'm assuming it refers to the sperm of a fish?

Suddenly we are playing erotic Foggle?

Easy, Sanjay.

So, uh, how's Farrah doing? Is she dating anyone?

No, she still can't find a guy

who knows a Pythagorean theorem.

(both) Really?

How do you geeks fall for that every time?

Because all it takes is one time.

How come you never invite Farrah to your birthday parties?

I don't know, we never celebrate our birthdays together.

- Why not? - Birthdays bum her out.

She doesn't like to celebrate getting older.

So, while you're having all this merriment

Farrah's in her apartment all alone?

So, uh, where is this apartment?

Across the street from where you claim to bird watch.

How can you let her sit at home doing nothing?

I mean, she's your twin.

I'm not gonna sit here and feel guilty about this.

I feel guilty about this.

Well, I know what'll cheer you up.

Presents!

[chuckles] Great.

As long as it's not another portable planetarium.

Let us do presents tomorrow, huh?

[instrumental music]

I still think that the girls would have preferred

the little horse for their birthday.

I'm aware that you think that, dear.

He's just so little.

And had such a little tail.

(Lee) 'Little hooves.'

I wonder if they even make horseshoes that small.

Enough with the damn horse already!

(Lee) 'Alan, what's wrong?'

You seem so hostile and angry towards me.

Forget it. I'm-I'm sorry.

Do you want to talk about it?

No, dear, I'd rather just read till the ambien kicks in.

Well, obviously something's bothering you

and it's not healthy to keep things bottled up.

That's just a theory.

There are some things that are bothering me too.

You know what I think we should do?

I think that we should sit down

and talk to each other about everything

that bothers us about the other person.

Or you too could take double the recommended dose

of these bad boys.

Do you want to work on our relationship or not?

Oh! Well, when you put it like that.

Good. You can go first, then me.

Alright.

Sometimes, you have a tendency to use

one word when you mean another, like persecute and prosecute

or when you told the doctor that you have a pain

in your small contestants.

Every day when I come home, you have bought more pillows.

We have two heads. Why do we need 47 pillows?

You are obsessed with trivial and insipid things like shoes.

Celebrity recipes.

Or-or the fact that a horse can be small.

You don't vote. You don't read books.

You think that Condoleezza Rice is a Cajun side dish.

But you know what the worst thing is?

It's-it's just all so predictable.

Nothing you do ever surprises me.

Yeah, that's it. You just don't surprise me.

Wow. Thank you for the helpful feedback.

You were right. It felt good to get all that off my chest.

[chuckles] Hmm.

Okay, your turn.

Well, okay.

I liked your other glasses better.

Go on.

You know the ones with the steel frames?

- That's it? - That's all I got.

But you said things that bother us.

- Things, plural. - Glasses.

Well, there's-there's got to be something else.

[chuckles] I-I can take it.

- Please. - Nope.

Uh, Lee, I-I-I never would have..

Oh, God. I, no, I-I didn't mean..

[sighs] Look, just-just forget everything that I said.

Erase it.

Well, I guess I have a lot to think about.

- Goodnight. - What? Wait.

No, y-you can't go to bed. Wait, wait, wait.

Wait. This is wrong. It's so uneven.

- You need to say more. - Okay.

I love you, Alan.

How dare you say that to me!

[upbeat music]

[crowd chanting] Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!

[knocks on door]

[crowd chanting] Chug, chug, chug, chug!

Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!

[knocks on door]

Hey, you guys, it's my birthday and I am going max!

[chuckles] Hey, Mitchee!

What are you doing in here?

I came by to cheer you up

because of how depressed you get on your birthday.

Oh, thank you.

I feel better now.

Okay, well, goodnight.

Wait! What's going on in there?

Oh, my gosh, you guys, I can't believe you made it!

[chuckles] Hi!

Book club.

Farrah, come on, cut it out. I know you're having a party.

Why didn't you invite me?

Mitchee, it's just that..

[upbeat music]

You know, I..

- Never mind. - No.

I wanna know. Why wasn't I invited?

Well, you know, it's, you're..

...you're not, you're not exactly-

Just say it.

You're no fun, Mitchee.

What?

The hell I'm not fun!

Come on, Mitchee, your idea of fun

is playing Scrabble with your friend Baba Ghanoush.

It's Sanjay.

Yeah, well, I call it Scrabble.

Look, fine, if that's how you feel

then you don't get any cake.

[trolley rattling]

She's 29.

[upbeat music]

[instrumental music]

Lee.

Remember, last night, we were saying things

that bother us about each other

and all you could come up with was my glasses?

Yeah, forget I said anything.

I can live with the tortoise shell.

No, no, the tortoise shell is an abomination.

And-and I made a list of other things

that must bother you about me too.

Alan, you don't have to do this.

Yes, I do.

Damn it!

I'm-I'm overbearing.

I'm snobby. I'm a hypochondriac.

Sweetie, those things don't bother me.

That's just sort of part of who you are.

Wait, there's more. I'm a know-it-all.

- I'm condescending. - No, you're not condescending.

Excuse me, I think I know more about this than you.

I dress like a schlub. My hair is an unruly tangle.

I'm verbose.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. - And-

[whispering] "Verbose."

Oh.

Got it!

Since, when do you carry around a dictionary?

Well, you said that it bothers you when I misuse words

so, I don't wanna put you through that anymore.

Anyway, it's helping me enjoy my new book.

- The Condoleezza Rice story? - Yeah.

It's fascinating. It's concise, but not concave.

Lee, this is all wrong.

You-you're making all these changes

when I am the one who should be changing.

Don't be silly.

- I'll see you later. - Where are you going?

I'm gonna go return these pillows.

And thank you for all the constructive criticism.

It's kind of like what Condi said to Colin.

I'm on it.

[bells chiming]

Hey, Mitchee.

I want to apologize for what I said last night.

What, about me not being fun?

Yeah, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

Oh, it didn't.

I mean, it might have

if it were true, but it isn't.

'Cause I am fun.

Mitchee, nobody who's fun says, I am fun.

Well, clearly you just haven't seen my playful side.

I can be a zany kook. Hey, listen up, everyone.

Mitchee, please don't be a zany kook.

I have spontaneously decided

to throw a birthday party at my place tonight.

You don't have to do this, Mitchee.

And the theme is fun.

Whimsy, capriciousness, jocularity.

The whole shebang.

Hey, what's going on?

Oh, it's good you came in when you did

'cause just seconds ago

I decided out of nowhere

to throw a party at my place tonight.

- Oh, okay. - Yeah.

It's from 8 o'clock to question mark

'cause you can't put a time limit on fun.

In fact, screw it, why don't we just

say question mark to question mark?

What?

Alright, fine, just come at 8 p.m.

But only if you're fun, 'cause if you're not

you're not gonna fit in.

Hey, Kooshball!

Look alive!

Ha-ha-ha.. That's hot.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Great party, Mitchee.

Oh, thanks. I'm glad you're having a good time.

- Hi, Farrah. - Hi, Farrah.

Hey, it's Baba Ghanoush. I forget your name.

It's Richard, as in, oh, my God

that was the most mind blowing experience of my life.

Thank you, Richard.

[chuckles]

Or just dick.

Hey, Mitchee, this party's totally wild.

Yeah, it's great.

I thought you were more of a Boggle person.

I had no idea you'd throw a key party.

Who told you it was a key party?

That guy Bob you work with.

[keys jingling]

[upbeat music]

Hey.

Hey, I thought you were dancing.

I can't compete with Sanjay.

Dude's got mad skills.

Yeah, he brought it, alright.

It's okay. I'm just biding my time.

He's got asthma.

What about you? You having fun?

Yeah, I couldn't be better.

Great. Oh!

Gotta go, there's my cue.

[upbeat music]

[door opens]

- Sweetheart. - Hi, Alan.

Where have you been?

I was still feeling badly

about all the horrible things

I said to you the other night.

Well, that's okay.

People weren't always nice to Condi, either.

I-I appreciate your understanding, but I was wrong.

And I think I have a way to make it up to you.

Close your eyes. Close your eyes.

- Ta-da! - Can I open my eyes now?

I thought that was implied with ta-da.

[gasps] Oh, Alan.

Oh, thank you.

- Thank you. - Her name is Tinkerbell.

Oh, you precious, cutie, little, sweet pie horse.

Look what mommy has for you.

Accessories.

Wait. Where did you get this?

Alan, in San Francisco.

I walked outside and said

"Who's got a little pink hat?"

- When? - This morning.

- But how did you know? - I had a feeling.

But I only bought this because I felt guilty.

And I only felt guilty

because of all the things I said about you.

And I only said all those things because you made me say them.

Hmm, interesting.

Lee, I don't know what to say.

- I'm, I'm.. - Surprised?

Yes.

And by the woman that you said

never surprises you about anything.

Huh! That's funny.

Come on, Tink.

Let's go misuse some words and not vote.

[door opens]

[upbeat music]

[door closes]

[sighs]

- Hi. - Oh, Jordan, hi.

[chuckles] Thanks.

- How's the party going? - Oh, great.

So, what are you doing out here?

Oh, well, we raised the roof so much in there

I had to come out here and raise this one.

You know, so they'd match.

[chuckling]

- I'm having a horrible time. - Why?

I guess, I'm just not much of a party person.

So, why the big party?

Well, uh, I'm only doing it because of Farrah.

What do you mean?

Well, I guess I just wanted to prove

that I'm as much fun as she is.

But, I mean, who am I kidding?

That's like comparing a kite and, like..

Oh, forget it, I can't even think of a fun analogy.

Well, why does that matter to you?

Well, I mean, I just..

I think that..

[sighs] Why'd you come to my party

and ask me questions I can't answer?

[chuckles] I'm sorry.

I-I guess I'm not much of a party person either.

Oh, then why are you here?

Well, I-I didn't come for the party.

I-I thought maybe I'd get to hang out with you.

Oh. Well, welcome to my hallway.

Hmm, thank you. I love what you've done with it.

Yeah, I was going for long and easy to walk through.

Ah!

Good thinking, good thinking.

Well, I-I was gonna bring you a birthday card

but I couldn't figure out how to sign it.

Um, you know, from or respectfully your employee

or-or, I don't know, something novel, like, um..

...an admirer.

But that would be really weird, right?

Uh, yeah, I guess.

[chuckles]

Unless..

Unless what?

Unless it would have been good.

- Yeah, I think it would have. - Really?

Well, it doesn't make a girl's heart skip a beat

like from, but..

[chuckles]

[door opens]

There she is!

Hey, birthday girl!

It's cake time!

Oh, cake. Yay!

[upbeat music]

Hey, Mitchee.

Your friend, Baba Ghanoush, he is so lame.

I think, I want to do him.

[instrumental music]

[ending theme]

[production theme]

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