Original subtitles

[knock on door]

I finished those sketches for you.

Thanks. Get out.

Usually, you have to sleep with someone

to get that kind of hostility.

I'm sorry, I'm in a race against

Jordan to finish the crossword puzzle.

Ah, when nerds flirt, mm.

Promise to invite me to your big fat geek wedding.

I wish it was flirting.

It's more like trying desperately to get

the attention of a guy who's fixated on your sister.

Welcome to Neil. The high school years.

[door opens]

I'm done. Did you finish?

- Uh.. - 'Hah!'

I finally beat you.

And you said it would never happen.

And 29 puzzles later, you finally proved me wrong.

- Oh. - What?

I may be wrong, but 18 down, romantic activity?

Kissing?

I think kissing starts with a "K," not a "P."

Oops.

Pretty lonely for you under that mistletoe, huh?

Can you guys take a look at my boobs?

- Yes. - No.

I've been wearing the prototype for the new bra.

Take a look at this.

So, technically, I beat you again.

Look, it's supposed to lift and then push them together.

That makes 30 in a row. That's quite a streak.

It's lifting, but it's not pushing.

Do you see what I mean?

We're in the middle of something.

Can you stop playing with yourself?

Alright, I'll talk to you later, Mitchee.

Bye, dude.

You know, I've been here a month

and she doesn't even know my name.

Oh, Jordan, Jordan, Jordan.

I mean, what would you do if you were totally into someone

and they were completely oblivious?

I try to get back at them by dating

one of their closest relatives.

But that's just me.

Let's see if I got any of these right.

Can you guys please just take a look at the panties?

- Yes. - No.

[instrumental music]

? Oh sister sister hey sister ?

? Come on let's rock the boat ?

? When you're tryin' to be on the ground ?

? Now let's all cheero ?

? Whoa-oh-oh-oh ?

? Whoa-oh-oh-ooh-oh ?

? Oh hey sister don't you want to rock the boat? ?

? Whoa-oh-oh-oh ??

I think the angle of the strap is collapsing

the cups along the horizontal plane

which is interfering with the vertical lift.

Are you getting this, Neil?

More push, less smoosh.

Got it.

[door opens]

Hello, everybody. Would you mind leaving?

I need to have a business discussion with my daughter.

- Wow. - Oh, please.

When you have three sisters, you learn how

to get out of their clothes before they catch you.

What's the matter, mom?

- I'm going out. - Oh, good.

I was worried you interrupted a meeting for something trivial.

I don't have any money, so I need some pretty cash.

You mean petty cash.

No.

I'm getting my eyelashes dyed.

I need pretty cash.

Don't you feel uncomfortable asking your daughter for money?

You'd think.

That's cute. I said pretty.

Mom, can I ask you something?

Sure.

Well, there's this friend of mine and she likes this guy.

Wait, Mitchee, do I know this friend?

It's me.

Oh, Mee?

Your Korean friend from college?

Yeah, her.

Well, how is Mee?

Not so great.

Aw, poor Mee.

Yeah.

She likes this guy, and he's totally perfect for her

but the guy likes this other girl

who's completely wrong for him.

Oh, honey, the solution is so obvious.

Not to me, it isn't.

Well...all she has to do is get

this guy and the other woman together.

Why?

Because if she gets them together

she can point out their differences and make

them see how wrong they are for each other.

Oh, that makes sense.

Thanks, mom.

That's really gonna help me.

Help Mee.

Good morning, my beautiful wife.

Hello, Alan.

How was your breakfast meeting?

Honey, when it's just the two of us, you can say therapy.

Hello, Alan. How are you?

Neil, nice to see you.

Okay.

See ya.

Have a nice day.

God, I hate that.

What?

That hug.

We hugged once four years ago.

Ever since then, he expects the hug every day.

Are you sure that that's what this is about?

Yes, what else could it be?

Well, I think that someone has an issue with gay people.

Who, me?

What does she have to do with this?

Who?

- Mee. - What?

Don't try and change the subject.

I think that you don't like hugging Neil because he's gay.

What?

Come on Alan, I know you.

You're just a little uncomfortable with the gays.

That is preposterous.

I work in the fashion industry.

I live in San Francisco.

For God's sake, I have the soundtrack

to pipping in my Miata.

Let me ask you this.

Would you have a problem if I hugged you in the office?

No.

Would you have a problem hugging

your father on Father's Day?

No.

Would you have a problem making

passionate love to a sweaty naked man?

Yes, I would.

Homophobe.

[instrumental music]

[door opens]

Hey, I hope you're hungry.

Starving. Hey, who's the extra plate for?

Oh, I invited Farrah to join us for lunch.

Oh, that's great.

Yeah, I thought it'd be nice for the two of you

to see how much you have in common.

Wow. You did that for me?

Uh, in a manner of speaking, yes.

[door opens]

Sorry I'm late, I was stuck in a meeting.

What meeting?

My feet met some new Jimmy Choos, it went great.

What do you want me here for?

Well, Jordan and I are having lunch

and I thought you might like to join us.

Sure, who's Jordan?

That'd be me.

Oh, right, sorry dude.

What are we having?

Uh, you know that Vietnamese place?

Vietnam?

Uh, no, the one on Market Street.

Whoa, you guys thought totally different on that one.

So, uh, Farrah, do you like Vietnamese food?

It's okay.

I'm not so much of a food person, though.

Oh, that's right, she's not.

Who was just telling me they are?

It's you.

[chuckles] Well, I mean, I eat it.

[sighs]

[clear throats]

So...read any good books lately?

- Yes. - No.

Gosh, oil meet water.

There must be something you guys can agree on.

I know, psychics.

- Please. - Please what?

(Mitchee) 'Oh, that's right.'

Farrah holds psychics in high regard.

And Jordan, didn't you say psychics

are the middleman between ghosts and morons?

Are you calling me a ghost?

No, and I don't have a problem with psychics.

I-I just think some people are a little nutty about it.

You mean, for instance, people who speak to one every day?

You speak to your psychic every day?

Except every other Tuesday.

He talks to his mother.

Who's dead!

And-and-and-does he really

tell you things that are...helpful?

All the time.

For instance, today he told me that

somebody I work with would do something heroic

and they would be my soul mate.

Sounds pretty reasonable to me.

Jordan?

I-I-I don't know.

[chuckles] I-I guess I'm just more of a science guy.

Yeah, well, I don't believe in science.

How's that feel, Mr. Judgy Pants?

Alright, well, I'm gonna go get us some drinks

but while I'm gone, Farrah, why don't you tell Jordan

your theory about how there are

too many letters in the alphabet?

[knock on door]

[door opens]

So, Neil...Mitchee looked at your sketches.

She had one small adjustment.

[sobbing]

It's just a tweak, man.

Tough enough.

[sniffs] It's not that. It's-it's something else.

[sobbing]

Well, you, uh, probably want to be alone then.

[sniffs]

Don't go!

What seems to be the problem?

Business?

Family?

Car maintenance issues?

Lover.

Super.

Kenny and I have been lovers for three months.

[sniffs] Oh.

And I think it might be over.

Well, uh, better to have loved and lost than, uh..

...time.

Marches on and heals all wounds.

[sobbing]

This weekend, we drove down the coast to Carmel.

I was driving, I reached for his hand.

You really should keep both hands on the wheel.

Ten and two.

And he pulled it away.

I mean, I feel like the romance is gone.

I mean, how can people who were

so close suddenly become strangers?

Well, uh, you know, men are from Mars

and women are..

...absent really from..

...this story.

[crying]

I don't know what I'm going to do.

[crying]

Uh, uh, uh..

...communication is...a thing.

You're right.

If we-if we just open up to each other, maybe we can..

we can-we recapture some of the magic.

Problem solved.

Discussion over.

[chuckles] Thank you, Alan.

I knew, I could talk to you.

What? Yeah, okay, I'm coming.

That was-that wasn't for you.

[door opens]

[door closes]

Okay, so just so I understand this

you want to completely get rid of the letter "C."

Why not?

"C" and "K" do the exact same thing.

What about when "C" is soft?

Then it sounds like an "S"

which we already have.

No, no, no.

I-it's an interesting theory.

And you think it's stupid

just like you think psychics are stupid.

And aromatherapy is stupid.

And sweaters for dogs are stupid.

[sighs]

Well, you know what I think?

Snooty Mc I Love Science reads a lot.

I think..

[chokes]

Are you-are you choking?

[spitting]

[coughs]

Are you okay?

You saved my life.

It-it-it was nothing really.

Oh my God.

You're the one my psychic was talking about.

The one from work who would do something heroic.

Really?

Yeah.

You're my soul mate.

[chuckles]

Wait, you do work here, right?

[chuckles]

[door opens]

[instrumental music]

[music fades]

[instrumental music]

(Mitchee) 'Mom, I've got to talk to you.'

What's up?

It's not going well with Mee.

She took your advice, she got the guy

and the other woman together

and now they're totally hot for each other.

Oh, Mee.

Yeah, mom, it sucks to be Mee.

Well, now there's only one thing left for Mee to do.

- What's that? - Let it go.

- Let it go? - Yeah.

I mean, if she's a good person, then who knows?

Good things happen to good people.

So you're saying she'll get the guy?

Well, I mean, maybe she will and maybe she won't

but Mee has something that's much more important.

What's that?

A large family in Korea who really loves her.

(Alan) To Neil, from Alan. Subject, us.

It has come to my attention that our relationship

has become increasingly intimate.

While I'm flattered that you feel

comfortable enough to confide in me

even when it comes to you and your..

...adventures with that other...fella

I think we should maintain a more professional relationship.

To that end, I feel that our morning

greeting should no longer include a hug.

Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

Love..

No.

Affectionately..

Mm.

Yours?

Happy Holidays, Alan C. Arnold.

[door opens]

I need help.

The thong part goes in the back, write it down.

Alright, what's the problem?

It's just that I have absolutely

nothing in common with my soul mate.

Well, you're soul mates.

Doesn't feel like enough.

I want so badly to connect with him and I don't know how.

Well, there must be something you like about him.

Let me think.

He said I'm hot.

Okay. What else?

He said it twice.

I got nothing. Please help me.

Okay.

Well...he's got a great laugh.

And when he laughs he kind of bites his tongue a little

and it should be creepy but somehow in him it's cute.

Great laugh, creepy tongue, go on.

He gets all excited about this geeky word stuff

like how kayak is the same backwards and forwards.

He's got these really sensitive eyes

you know, and there's the way that he crinkles his forehead

'when he's trying to remember something.'

And then, when he listens to you tell a story, it's like

he looks at you like he never wants it to end.

And, in those moments

no matter who else is there, it's like. ..you're the only

- two people in the- - Mitchee?

Radar, that's the same backwards and forwards.

You like him.

- No, I don't. - Yes, you do.

He's my soul mate and you like him.

Okay, maybe I do a little.

Are you mad?

I don't know what I am.

I have to go think.

(Neil) 'Kenny, what are you doing here?'

(Kenny) 'I just needed to see you.'

(Neil) 'Well...come into my office.'

Listen, I know I've been a little distant

'but there's a reason.'

Who is he? The bitch from the smoothie place?

No.

The bitch from the coffee place?

No.

The bitch from hip hop aerobics?

Yes. No, there's no one else.

(Kenny) 'It's just that I've been hurt before'

'and I guess I was scared to'

'throw myself into this with you.'

What, there's nothing to be scared of.

I'm not going to hurt you.

'Come here.'

'I can't imagine loving any man'

'the way I love you right now.'

(Kenny) 'How do you always know exactly what to say?'

[chuckles]

(Neil) 'Before this goes any further..'

'...let me lock the door.'

[door locks]

(Kenny) 'What is it?'

(Neil) 'Let's take our time.'

'I want this moment to last forever.'

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Hey.

Just came to drop off the proofs.

Oh, thanks.

What's wrong?

Oh, it's Farrah.

I thought we had this incredible connection

and then, bam, all of a sudden, she says it's over.

- Really? - Yeah.

It was like something made her change.

Have you talked to her?

Do you have any idea what's going on?

No, I don't know, Jordan.

I guess we just weren't meant to be.

[sighs] I'm sorry.

Jaloo, Jaloo!

Hey.

What's his problem?

You told him you weren't into him.

Yeah, but that was like an hour ago.

Let it go, grudgy.

I didn't mean for you to end it with him, Farrah.

Yeah, but you like him, and that makes me happy.

Just like it makes you happy

when I find a pair of jeans I like

or when I back into a car

in a parking lot and I don't get caught.

But what happened to Jordan being your soul mate?

Well, I was thinking about that

and you know how my psychic said my soul mate was at work?

Yeah.

Well, I was thinking about the people

at work and who it might be

and I knew it wasn't Neil

or the accountant with the lazy eye

or that dude in research who smells like yogurt.

But you know who is my soul mate?

Who?

It's you, you big dummy.

You're my soul mate.

I am?

Yeah.

Because no matter how many guys we marry

and cheat on and divorce and remarry

I'm always going to have you

and you're always going to have me.

Yeah, that's really nice, Farrah.

Oh, and by the way..

Someone backed into your car in the parking lot.

[instrumental music]

Oh, hi, sweetie.

Hi, mom.

Hey, how did everything go with Mee?

Well, the guy she likes

and that other girl are over, so that's a start.

Of course, now there's just the issue

of getting the guy to like me.

Well, he would be crazy not to like you.

You mean, Mee.

No, Mitchee, I mean you.

Alan, there you are.

Where have you been all afternoon?

Underneath Neil and Kenny.

Oh.

Well, you have some messages.

No, you don't understand.

Lee...I have been to the belly of the beast.

I have seen things.

I have heard things.

And you know what, Lee?

They are just people in love.

It was actually...quite beautiful.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

That you had an issue with homosexuality

so you went out and made love

with Neil and some other man.

No.

That-that's not what happened.

What I'm saying is that..

through an unusual opportunity

that lasted almost four hours

I eventually came to terms with the gay stuff.

- Hi, Ellen. Lee. - Hello, Neil.

I just wanted to tell you I haven't finished the sketches

but I will finish them first thing tomorrow.

Not a problem.

'Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!'

Aren't you, uh, forgetting something?

Alan, don't take this the wrong way

but would you mind if we dropped the hugging stuff?

It makes me kind of uncomfortable.

Really?

Yeah, I just don't think it's appropriate office behavior.

[door closes]

Hugging isn't appropriate office behavior?

[chuckles]

It's okay, honey. It's San Francisco.

We'll find you another gay man to hug.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

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