All language subtitles for Twins s01e02 Fruit of the Lunatics.eng

[instrumental music]

Wow. It feels different now that it's all ours.

I know, I mean, we own everything here.

We own this stapler.

We own this plant. We own that guy.

No, actually, he's just here to fix the copier.

Oh.

Wait. Where are you going?

Into our office.

But we're entering for the first time

as co-presidents of the company.

Don't you think we should
make it more of a moment?

Did you want to carry me over the threshold?

Good morning, girls.

What are you doing here?

I just came by to see how everything's going.

So, how's it going?

I'm not gonna lie to you, dad.

These first 90 seconds have been quite a ride.

Are you checking up on us?

The outgoing president deserves
a chance to say goodbye.

What about your goodbye
party or your goodbye brunch?

Or your interoffice memo?

The subject of which was goodbye.

Obviously, you're not as sentimental

as the rest of the employees.

Go home.

Dad, you're retired now.

Go home and enjoy your life with mom.

Oh, you're right, you're right.

Your mother and I have
our whole lives ahead of us.

Yep. Our whole lives.

Just me and her...and time.

[theme song]

? Oh sister sister ?

? Hey sister ?

? Come on let's rock the boat ?

? When you're tryin' to be on the ground ?

? Now let's all cheero ?

? Whoa-oh-oh-oh ?

? Whoa-oh-oh-ooh-oh ?

? Oh hey sister ?

? Don't you wanna rock the boat? ?

? Whoa-oh-oh-oh ??

I called downstairs. Dad's car is gone.

And how's he gonna get home?

He got in it and made it go home.

Oh, right. Duh.

You know, nobody says "duh" anymore.

I think I'm going to bring "duh" back.

Everyone's gathering. Staff meeting will start as

soon as you guys are ready.

Farrah, I love that top

and, Mitchee..

Nice clean desk.

So our first staff meeting.

Don't you find it annoying that dad

doesn't think we're ready to run things?

Totally. I mean, we are so ready to run things.

Why did you look down when you said that?

- I didn't. - Yeah, you did.

- Fine. We are so ready. - To what?

To run things.

- Farrah. - Mitchee.

Maybe you're ready, but I just feel like I'm..

You're what? I'll tell you what you are.

You are an innovator.

I am.

Yeah. Who turned her Girl Scout uniform

into a micro mini

and consequently sold more Thin Mints

than anyone in the Bay area.

Moi!

You have so much more talent than you even know.

Just trust it.

Thanks, Mitch.

You know what else I have? I have you.

That's right. We are in this together.

And the key thing is that
we present a united front.

You know, according to "Cochran's weekly"

in the "Dougal Business Journal"

nothing undermines employee confidence faster

than the appearance of
discord in executive ranks.

Hmm.

We can't fight in front of anybody.

I wish you would just say that instead

of something, something
cocky doody business journal.

Alright. Sorry. It's just, you know

everybody's going to be looking
at us for strong leadership.

So the important thing is we have

to speak with one voice.

Can it have an accent?

Let's start off with
that one and see how it goes.

Jolly good idea, mate.

- Sorry. - Alright.

You ready, Madam President?

I am, Mr. President.

Let's go run our first staff meeting..

- Together. Wait. - One voice.

What if we don't agree on something?

Well, then we'll just excuse ourselves

and we'll work it out privately.

Yeah, but we can't just say. "Excuse me

Mitch and I need to go fight."

Ooh, I know

let's come up with a code.

Okay, fine. Pick something.

How about..

...I'm going to vomit?

- It's disgusting. - Think about it.

It's what you say when
you have to leave the room.

Yeah, if you're a model and you just had an M&M.

- What about applesauce? - Ooh, fattening.

We're saying it. Not eating it.

Duh.

That's the second time I've heard that today.

It's already catching on.

[instrumental music]

So..

- So.. - Retirement.

[sighs]

Yeah.

- Oh, my God. - What?

My Rice Krispies have
formed the shape of a horse.

Oh, yeah.

[chuckles]

That was fun.

I'll say.

[chuckles]

Wanna play Scrabble?

- Yes, let's. - Okay.

- I'll get the board. - Excellent.

You write back.

I can't wait.

Dolly, for the love of God

do not leave me alone with that woman.

- But she's your wife. - I'm well aware of that.

Dolly, do you know why we have been able

to stay together all of these years?

Because of your sizzling masculinity?

Besides that.

Because we have always had work.

There's always been going
and doing and other people.

But now all that's gone and it's just us.

It's just me and her and a Rice Krispy horse.

Which, to tell you the
truth, I couldn't even see.

I thought you loved Mrs. Arnold.

I do, with all my heart.

I'm just afraid that without the business

we won't connect about anything.

A strong man would face his fear.

Yes, yes, he would.

Now, what will it take for you to stay here

and prevent me from having to face

the emotional truth of my marriage?

$200 and get rid of that filthy cat.

I've had that cat for six years.

(Lee) 'Alan.'

'I've locked myself in the closet.'

Fine, boots runs away next Friday.

Coming, dear.

One thing I want to suggest, and, Farrah

please weigh in on this

is adding turquoise to the winter line.

Ooh, I love that idea.

I want to make out with that idea.

Focus groups have found
the word "Turquoise" unsexy.

Well, clearly they never heard you say it.

Okay.

Uh, should we call it "Ocean?"

- I love ocean. - How much?

I want to make out with ocean.

We really do have one voice.

Aye, governor.

Okay, moving on to the winter catalog

I really think that the new panties

should be the first thing

we see on the front inside cover.

New panties? You mean the Buttpucker?

Yeah, whatever we end up calling it.

We ended up calling it the Buttpucker.

You designed it to make the butt pucker.

I'm wearing them right now.

And what do you think that my butt's doing?

Puckering.

Mitchee, did you want to call it something else?

Um..

"Applesauce."

Ew. Gross.

Why would you need panties "Applesauce?"

You might as well call it "Hershey Squirts."

No

"Applesauce."

Oh, I'm going to vomit.

[clamoring]

No. It's okay.

This is just something that you and I do.

We'll be right back.

I told her not to eat that M&M.

What happened with speaking with one voice?

We did, it said "Buttpucker."

Look, I've done the market research.

Consumers feel safer with a more

conventionally named brand.

You know what your problem is?

You think with your head.

Me? I think with my ass.

You know what my ass is saying?

Buttpucker.

Farrah, no offense, but your ass is like a child.

It should be seen, but not heard.

We all know your Smarty McSmart-Smart.

But I'm out there in the real world

and I know what's gonna
be popular with the people.

Yes, and I know business.

And I'm telling you, there
is no way that this company

is going to be taken seriously

with a product called the Buttpucker.

Well, I don't know what to tell you.

I guess we're at an impasse.

- What? - An impasse.

Meaning a disagreement
that's no longer in fashion?

You know what?

- Let's just take a vote. - Buttpucker.

No. The entire staff.

I mean, that way they'll just feel like

they're part of the process.

Oh, right. We own them.

We might as well use them.

- Okay, so we've decided. - "Applesauce."

To be with you in 30 seconds.

[instrumental music]

See, isn't this a lot more fun with three people?

Sure is, Alan.

Hey! Very good, Dolly!

- Coward! - It's a man who's afraid.

Yes, we know what it means.

Your turn, honey.

Oh, goody.

He-he.

Triple word, and I used all of my letters.

Fabbing?

That's-that's not a word, dear.

That the "ing" form of fab.

- "Fab.." - To tell a lie.

You're thinking of "fib," dear?

No, "fib" is when you tell a little lie.

"Fab" is when you tell a great big one.

Look, I gave you Turley and Plimp.

But I have to draw the line at Fabbing.

It's a word, Alan.

I could go out and get a Scrabble dictionary.

I'll be back in an hour.

Fabbing, fabbing, fabbing. Good one, dear.

Yes.

Oh, and look, the "I" from Plimp gives you "ib."

Ha-ha. I didn't even see that.

[instrumental music]

Is everyone here? I'm counting up the votes.

Okay, we have eight votes
in favor of "Buttpucker"

and eight against.

Oh, come on, what do we do now?

- Applesauce. - Applesauce.

And eight votes for Buttpucker.

Once again, and for the fifth time

we are tied.

[groans]

Alright, that's it.

I thought we could be a united front

but clearly we can't.

Uh, I'm just going to go home tonight

and take care of this unilaterally.

Um, no one wants to know how
you deal with your loneliness.

We have a business decision we need to make.

We? I'm the business head.

The only business decision
you ever made was showing off

your Ming Mong to sell Thin Mints.

Three hundred boxes. And I
was on the cover of a newspaper.

"Barely Legal" is not a newspaper.

We're not going with the Buttpucker.

- Yes, we are. - No, we're not.

Yes, we are.

(in unison) Applesauce.

[cellphone ringing]

- Hello. - Shh.

- Hi, dad. - 'Oh, hi.'

I can't hear a thing. I'm going home.

No, no. I'll take it in the kitchen.

Fix me some tea.

And make a chamomile.

I don't want to be up all night.

[cellphone ringing]

Hello?

- Mom. It's me. - 'Hi, Farrah.'

Do you want me to take this outside?

No. You stay right here, honey.

I'll pause it.

Mitchee, calm down now. What's the problem?

Well, I'm trying to be a good leader

and present a united front.

But it's impossible when
your co-president insists

on making arbitrary and childish decisions.

Farrah, calm down.

What is the problem?

Mitchee's being a turd.

Conflict is inevitable in business.

So while the strategy
can't be to avoid it altogether

you must not allow disagreements to escalate

to the point where they
interfere with productivity.

Fighting. Boo!

Listen, Mitchee

as someone who ran a company for 30 years

I've learned that the best way to maintain

a partnership is to know when to give in.

Well, let your partner win.

Sometimes you have to be the bigger person.

Farrah. It's like your father always says

"Bla, bla, bla, bla, bla, bla bla."

Just be the bigger person.

Okay?

'Love you. Bye.'

Don't you sit down if there's no limit in that.

[instrumental music]

Okay, everyone.

I'm sorry we got off to a shaky start

but I think I've found a way to resolve this.

What's going on?

Oh, good. I'm glad you're here.

I was just about to say I've
decided to go with your idea.

The newest addition to the winter line

will officially be called "The Buttpucker."

- Great. - Wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Not yet.

Mitchee, it's okay.

Screw the Buttpucker.

Call it whatever you want.

Applesauce, fart pockets,
whatever floats your boat.

- What are you doing?
- I'm being the bigger person.

You can't do that. I
want to be the bigger person.

Sorry. A bigger person is taken.

I'm going to be the bigger person.

No, I'm going to be the bigger person.

I'm gonna be the bigger person.

- Okay? - What?

I said okay. You get to be the bigger person.

Everybody. We're going with Buttpucker.

[applause]

What just happened?

You're very blonde sister

just duck season, rabbit seasoned you.

Congratulations, Farrah.

I don't know, Neil.

The real winner here is my sister, Mitchee.

Because she gets to be the bigger person.

[applause]

Thank you.

It feels completely unsatisfied.

Wow. That was beautiful.

Yeah. It's 5:00. I'm going now.

What?

- You can't. - Why can't she?.

Well, because she hasn't seen the DVD extras.

Don't you want to go behind
the scenes of "Spanglish?"

No, thank you.

Bye, Lee. Bye, Alan.

Goodbye, Boots.

You know what, Lee?

Today has been so much fun.

Why don't we make Dolly a live-in?

What?

Starting now, you can have the guestroom.

Dolly, do you think that
you could just give us a minute?

Sure.

I'll make myself some tea.

Only, I'm going to make it right.

What is going on with you?

What are you talking about?

All day long you've been
afraid to be alone with me.

What? No, I haven't.

Alan, I'm your wife. I know when you're fabbing.

I am not fabbing, I'm not. I..

Or I am. I'm fabbing.

I'm a big fat fabber.

It's okay.

I'm afraid too.

You are?

Yeah, I'm terrified.

What do you think I paid
Dolly to come in on her day off?

I just couldn't face the fact that from now on

it's just gonna be you and me.

No distractions.

I mean, sure, we had

the Rice Krispy horse this morning

but you can always count on that.

We're both feeling the same way.

[Alan sighs]

How did we get here, Lee?

It wasn't always like this.

I know.

Ah, we used to want to
do is just be alone together.

I remember the first time I saw you.

It started the company less than a month before.

We had no model for our catalog.

And then you walked in.

Mmm.

What was the first thing you noticed about me?

Well, that's kind of a loaded question.

You were wearing a bra and panties.

[chuckles]

Okay, well, it was the fourth
thing you noticed about me.

You seem so sweet and fragile.

I just wanted to take care of you.

We did.

I was cold and nervous, and..

And you took off your leisure suit jacket

and you put it around me

and I felt safe and warm and leisurely.

What was the first thing you noticed about me?

[chuckling]

Your big handlebar mustache.

Pretty groovy, huh?

- No. No. - Oh.

But I loved your passion and your energy.

And I thought

if he could put all that passion

and energy into shaving

we just might have something here.

You know, the first time we kissed

I thought to myself

I can't believe

I am kissing a woman this beautiful.

And I have thought that every time since.

Aw.

Well, if I'm gonna stay

it's time to get dinner started.

You know what, Dolly?

I don't think we need you anymore today.

Are you sure?

Yep. I think we're doing just fine together.

Well, I just say it again. Goodbye, Lee.

Goodbye, pussy. Goodbye, Boots.

[door closes]

So, now that we've gotten past the initial terror

where do we go from here?

I don't know. What do you want to do?

As I see it, our options are limitless.

Yeah, we can do anything that we want.

Girls.

We want to come back to work.

- Really? - Yeah.

We realized that we retired too soon.

- And we have nothing to do. - Yeah.

Is this because you don't
think we can run things on our own?

No, Mitchee.

It's because the office is where we feel

the most vital and productive.

Plus, it's the first place that we ever did it.

Does this mean that you would
want to come back full-time?

Yes, but just as advisers.

You two would still be the president's.

Well, I mean, I guess we could
use a little help around here.

- Yeah. - Welcome back.

[chuckles]

Mommy and daddy are back.

- Yay! - Yay!

Yay!

Sorry. Not a "Yay"er.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

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