Original subtitles

And I get consistent readings

of four millimeters down the length

of the divide, and 1.3 centimeters

of puckering at the top.

Sure, on this display.

Now, it should be consistent on any display.

Could you please stop calling me "the display?"

Sorry, butt model.

These are good.

I like the way they make my butt...pucker.

Butt Pucker. The Butt Pucker.

Should we call it "The Buttpucker?"

- Buttpucker. - Buttpucker.

- Buttpucker. Buttpucker. - Buttpucker.

- Buttpucker. - Buttpucker.

- Buttpucker. - Stop saying "Buttpucker."

Neal, make those changes

so we can get an official prototype and show my dad.

Okay, Mitchee.

You are a genius.

And you are a genius.

Look, it's blushing.

Hey, Mitchee, do you really like the name Buttpucker?

Or are you just saying that?

I never said that.

I know I like it, too.

- Hi, mommy. Hi, daddy. - Hey, girl.

Mitchee. Are we gonna be able

to market the new fabric as a non-synthetic?

Chemically speaking, it's very similar to nylon

and its alkaline resistance

but legally, we can market it as a natural fiber.

That's my girl.

Farrah. Did you spray aquanet on your ass

before you put your panties in place?

Yes. It made my butt look shiny and smooth like a nectarine.

[chuckles]

That's my girl.

[laughs]

Well, tomorrow, we get the documents

that transfer the business into your names.

Once you sign

'you're officially co-presidents of Arnold Undergarments.'

I, for one, am very proud of you both.

And I am very, very proud of you both.

- Hey, what was that? - What?

I said, I am very proud.

You said you were very, very proud.

You had to top me.

Well, Alan, I am a little more proud than you are.

Why on earth would you think that?

Because I'm bigger than you and I can hold more pride.

Lee, I am very tired of these inane discussions.

And I am very, very tired.

Could we please not do this again?

Let's just stop fighting.

Go out and have a nice, relaxing lunch.

Fine.

Girls, we are going out to lunch.

Where are you going?

Dominic's West Side grill.

I'm going to Dominic's East Side grill.

[sighs]

Mommy and daddy really aren't getting along.

I know I talked to dad

and he even mentioned the "D" word.

D-I-V..

O-R..

- Divorce. - Oh, my God.

We need to do something, Mitchee.

What can we do to make daddy hotter and more fun?

Dad, it's mom.

I mean, the woman thinks that birds are smarter than people

because they can understand chirping.

Yeah, dad may not be gorgeous, but he's brilliant.

And that's what matters. The life of the mind.

Um, a hottie would never say that.

What matters is, do you look hot?

Do you guys want to sleep with you?

Do girls want to be you?

It's harsh, but whoomp, there it is.

Said the butt model.

What's that supposed to mean?

It's sort of a perfect career choice for you.

You're asked is what your brain should be doing

and your brain does what your ass should be doing.

Mitchee, we really shouldn't fight right now.

You're right. I'm sorry.

I'm just cranky because of mom and dad.

It's okay.

You know what we should do?

I'm not getting a Brazilian wax.

No. We should quit the company.

Think about it.

We were supposed to take over a family business.

If mommy and daddy are gonna screw that up..

Farrah, stop it. We made a commitment.

So did they.

I mean, come on, Mitch, we could do something else.

There is so much more to life than underwear.

There's pants. There's cute tops.

Forget it.

- But, Mitchee- - Mitchee nothing.

This is what we're doing.

This is where we're staying, okay?

This is our life.

Okay, fine.

So what do you think we should do about mommy and daddy?

I don't know, why don't we think about it over lunch?

Good idea. I'm going to China Sun.

I'll be at China Moon.

[theme song]

? Oh sister sister ?

? Hey sister ?

? Come on let's rock the boat ?

? When you're tryin' to be on the ground ?

? Now let's all cheero ?

? Whoa-oh-oh-oh ?

? Whoa-oh-oh-ooh-oh ?

? Oh hey sister ?

? Don't you wanna rock the boat? ?

? Whoa-oh-oh-oh ??

Matey. I just heard the new name

"Buttpucker."

[chuckles]

It's very classy.

I hate it.

Negativity. Boo!

So what are you working on now?

Uh, nothing.

I just joined this online dating service

for single PhDs in the sciences.

Any luck?

I just got my first response from

a pervert chemist in Fresno.

He says he wants to run his tungsten up and down my body.

I'm guessing there's a lot of virgins on this side.

Why are you looking at me like that?

I'm not a virgin.

- Because I admire you. - Why?

Because you're loyal.

You are the most loyal person that I've ever known.

All of your life you have wanted to meet Mr. Right

and yet you've chosen to devote your life

to a business where there is

no possibility of meeting Mr. Right.

Where there are only lingerie models

and illegal immigrants and homos.

Are you trying to tell me that

you don't think I'm ever gonna meet someone?

No, I'm saying that you don't need a man to be happy.

Even if you never, ever, ever, ever..

...ever find a boyfriend

you will always have the family business.

And you know what else you'll always have?

Your sister, Farrah.

'All day, every day.'

In sickness and in health.

I mean, isn't that what really counts?

Oh, I am going to be late for my Brazilian wax.

I'll see you at dinner.

Neil, get Farrah in here right now.

What do you want? I'm working.

- We're quitting. - What?

What are you talking about?

If mom and dad aren't gonna stick to their commitment

we shouldn't have to honor our commitment to this company.

Are you high?

- No. - I'm serious.

Did you go through my purse?

So listen, Farrah

when we were fitting you today, I realized something.

You are so much more than just a butt.

Your-your boobs and elbows

and-and inspiration for girls

everywhere to starve themselves.

Go on.

You know, it would be such a shame for you

to waste your talent here.

There's a whole world out there just waiting to objectify you.

You're not just saying that.

I mean it.

Okay.

- Let's quit. - Great.

We'll tell mom and dad tonight at dinner.

Fine.

Let me just get out of my work clothes.

We'll drive together.

[instrumental music]

[mobile chimes]

Oh, God. You again.

Keep your tungsten to yourself.

I frankly find you to be quite...boron.

- Hey, you're Mitchee, right? - Yeah.

Well, I'm not interrupting you, am I?

No, I was just making puns from elements of the periodic table

as a way of letting a guy know I think he's a creep.

Oh. Been there.

- Really? - No.

I'm not really a laugher.

But I want you to know. I think that's funny.

Thanks.

I'm Jordan, I'm the new guy from the marketing department.

And I know you just finished designing the Buttpucker.

- And.. - I just not called that.

I don't know how that happened.

Oh. Uh, well, I guess

I just wanted to come by, introduce myself.

Let you know I think you designed an incredible item.

Oh, thanks.

Yeah, I think millions of women

are going to feel more confident

as a result of your, um..

Well, what do you want to call it?

I don't know, I haven't really thought about it.

I mean, I guess something catchy

that would describe its function.

Mm-hmm. And how would you describe it?

Well, the strength of the material lifts and pushes

and kind of creates like a..

Pucker.

In the..

Butt.

- Yes. - Right.

So maybe we should call it..

The Buttpucker.

Sounds dirty and embarrassing.

Well, hey, once upon a time

round, bouncy things had no name.

But then a guy came along and decided to call them balls.

Thought you said you weren't a laugher.

Uh, I did.

- I guess I've changed. - Huh?

Amazing how that happens, isn't it?

Sometimes your life can just change in an instant.

Yeah.

I guess it can.

Yeah.

Well...I'll see you tomorrow.

- Oh, actually.. - What?

Nothing. I'll see you tomorrow, Jordan.

Okay.

[door closes]

Neil, get Farrah in here.

(Neil) 'She went shopping.'

'She said she'd meet you at the restaurant.'

Why didn't you tell me this?

(Neil) 'Hm. I knew there was a good reason.'

'What was it again? Oh, yeah.'

'I am not your secretary!'

[instrumental music]

[soft music]

Why aren't you wearing your contact lenses?

I forgot to put them in.

Then put your glasses on. No one cares.

I don't need my glasses, Alan.

I can see just fine.

Okay.

What are you getting?

I know what I'm not getting.

The chili seasoned with ass.

The what?

"The chili seasoned with ass."

That says, "Chilean sea bass," Mr. Magoo.

Okay, so you can read.

Big one.

By the way, at the press conference tomorrow

I don't want anyone knowing about our. ..personal situation.

And what is our "personal situation?"

We're getting a divorce.

Fine. If that's what you want.

Me?

You're the one who asked for a divorce.

No, I just suggested it, remember?

And then you said, "Get out of my bathroom."

And then I said, stop avoiding.

And then you said

we'll talk about this when I'm done.

And then I said, you're not even going.

You're just reading.

And then you said, now I want a divorce.

This is the sort of discussion

I would like to avoid

at the press conference tomorrow.

Hi, daddy. Hi, mommy.

- Hi, honey. Hi. - Hello, sweetheart.

Oh, wow. I love what you're wearing.

It's great, right?

Crazy expensive.

Every bird needs to make it as endangered.

- Excuse me. Are you Farrah? - Yes.

Paris Hilton is at the bar.

She thinks your vest is hot, and she'd like to meet you

and your hot vest.

Oh, my God, she's famous for doing nothing.

That's my dream.

I'll be right back.

Oh, good.

You got the message.

What are you doing here?

- Why aren't you at the table? - We have to talk.

Not now. Paris Hilton wants to meet me.

No, I'm Paris Hilton.

You wish.

You're more like airport Hilton.

No, I said I was Paris Hilton to get you over here.

What is this?

New vest. It's good, right?

It looks like you should be sitting on a pirate's shoulder.

Oh, yeah?

Well, Paris Hilton likes it.

Anyway, here's the deal.

We can't quit.

- But you said- - I know what I said.

But something happened.

What?

I-I have feelings for somebody in the office.

And I think that that person has feelings for me, too.

[laughs] Yeah, right.

No. I'm serious.

We're staying at the company

and running it like originally planned.

Forget it.

You got me excited about quitting. So we're quitting

and there's nothing you can say

that would make me change my mind.

Farrah, wait.

It's you.

What?

The person I'm talking about is you.

If this is some kind of a weird lesbo incest thing

just sell it to Showtime.

No, I don't mean it that way.

I-I just, I had a vision of what

the rest of my life would be like without my twin sister

and it wasn't a good one.

Oh, my God, I can't believe you just said that out loud.

You've never admitted that we're twins.

Well, I'm admitting it now.

You're a part of me, and I'm proud of that.

You know, I've waited my whole life for you to say that.

So we'll stay at the company.

Of course we'll stay.

[chuckles]

What's wrong?

I think my vest just bit me.

[instrumental music]

You know, I almost quit yesterday.

- Why? - I know, crazy, huh?

Why would a single 28- year-old woman want to give up

the opportunity to make bras and panties

for the rest of her life?

[both chuckle]

- That's a great company. - Yeah. No, it is, it is.

It's just that besides my father, you know

there's no one here I can really talk to.

Well, you can really talk to me.

Oh, thanks.

You can really talk to me too.

Great.

So what do you really want to talk about?

What do you really want to talk about?

Really?

Really?

I think I like somebody.

Go on.

What? Go on. No, go on.

Your turn. You have to really say something.

Okay, fine.

Um..

...I think that I like somebody.

Who?

No way. I'm not just giving that up.

Not until you go first.

Okay, fine. Um, I'll give you a hint.

She's about to take over her family's business.

- I knew it. - You did?

So you think she'll go out with me?

Why don't you ask her?

[sighs]

Okay.

Mitchee.

Will you give me Farrah's number?

Uh..

...yeah.

Yeah, sure.

I can't believe you knew I liked Farrah.

Of course. Why wouldn't you? She's a babe.

Wait, and what about you?

Oh, I'll be fine.

What are you talking about?

I meant, who is it that you like?

Right. Of course.

Uh, who do I like? Um..

He's a great guy.

You don't know him.

He's a chemist. He lives in Fresno.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Hello and welcome.

I'm Alan Arnold

and you all know my beautiful wife, Lee Arnold.

Hello.

This is a proud day for me and for Lee.

A very proud day.

Thank you, Lee.

Because not only are we introducing

an exciting new product

we are formally turning our business

over to our daughters, Mitchee and Farrah.

Forty-two hours of labor and worth every second of it.

It's a lovely sentiment, dear.

It was like pooping two watermelons.

Not so lovely.

Anyway, without further ado

the new president of Arnold Undergarments.

Mitchee and Farrah Arnold.

The Arnold sisters.

Can we see you two in the back? We're having a problem.

Get off me, get off me!

- Hey, hey, hey! - Alright, stop it.

Stop it, stop it! Just stop it. Stop it now!

- I'm gonna kick your ass. - No! That is her fortune.

Now what the hell is going on?

We were getting ready to go out there

when your freaky daughter attacked me

with her weird gorilla strength.

Mitchee, why did you attack your sister

with your weird gorilla strength?

Sometimes a person just reaches a breaking point, you know?

I mean, she's insensitive and oblivious

and she says words like libary and punkin'

and I just can't take it anymore.

I didn't do anything, okay?

All I said was he wasn't funny.

Who isn't funny?

Who are you to determine who is

and isn't funny high school dropout, Barbie?

Who isn't funny?

The new guy in marketing, Jordan.

He called me to ask me out and I said, I'm not into it.

So Mitchee's like, why?

And I'm like, he's not funny.

And she's all with the stare.

'And I'm like, what's with the stare?'

And then she goes all bat guano on me.

Mitchee, why did you go bat guano on your sister?

Look, could we talk about this later?

I just made an announcement that

you two are taking over the company.

Well, you're gonna have to go out there

and make another announcement, dad, because I quit.

I won't work with her.

- What? - You know what this is, mom.

Oh, yeah? What is it?

Oh, you want to know? Well, I'll tell you.

You're jealous of me, Mitchee.

You've always been jealous of me.

No, I think you've got it backwards.

Why would I be jealous of you?

- 'Farrah.' - Stop it.

You know why you're jealous of me?

Because I have something you will never have.

Sideburns?

No, respect.

You're right.

When you walk into the office, everyone looks at you, Farrah.

But guess what? They listen to me.

And in 30 years they'll still be listening to me.

But they'll be looking at somebody else.

Enough.

Mitchee, you are lucky to have her.

I know you think you're the brains of this operation.

I got news for you.

I would never have given this company to just you alone.

You need her.

- Thank you. Daddy. - Hey! Zip it, Blondie.

Do you know what a gift it is to have

somebody as talented as your sister is on your team?

You should thank God every single day

that you have somebody as brilliant

as she is for your partner.

As great as you think you are by yourselves

I promise you, you are more than twice as good together.

Your family.

And family doesn't hate each other

because of their differences.

On the contrary, they love each other for their differences.

[sobs]

Oh, Alan.

Oh, Lee.

I'm not kissing you like that.

You seem pretty hot for me when I had that bird thing on.

I'm sorry.

I was dishonest and selfish.

Mitchee, stop. It's okay.

We're twins.

One of us has to be the evil one.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

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