Original subtitles

For the new world.

Good luck on your birthday

Good luck on your birthday

Happy birthday, my dearest Zachy,

Good luck on your birthday!

-I love you! -I love you too.

17 already, I just can't believe it. How time flies!

-I know... -Sorry,

that you have to day alone today.

Are you angry that we're not here sooner?

No. I mean, it would be nice if you were here, but...

Ah, okay okay. You want to do something do something grown-up, I see.

-Hey, buddy! -Hey, Dad.

Happy birthday to you...

-I still can't whistle. -Thank you very much.

-Hey, is Joe's family here yet? -Yes, I think so.

Okay, well then... We'll get everything ready for tomorrow.

It's going to be a big day for the birthday hero - you.

-Yes, sounds good. -The Airbnb here has a sauna.

Oh yes, we still use them - if you know what I mean.

-Or, honey? -Yes!

Okay. Is that gluten-free?

-What? -Yes. Yes, yes. -Zach, please pass

on your belly. Don't you remember, Honolulu?

Yes, of course.

God, that shot out like a volcano out the back with you.

-Oh... -Yes, I know, I know.

-Oh! -What was that?

-Nothing. Uh... It's all right, I... -What's going on?

-I just need to blow my nose and... -Okay, calm down.

-Do you watch porn? -No, no. I'm just sitting here...

-What is it? -Nothing, boy stuff.

This YouTube video just popped up, no idea why.

Okay, my bad. Let me guess: You're watching "Highlander" now,

-Our birthday tradition, buddy. -Yes, "Highlander"!

I can't possibly break with this tradition. I can't possibly break with it.

Exactly, then we'll leave you alone now.

But, hey. If you need anything, anything, you call. Okay, buddy?

Yes, Dad, everything, everything cool here, v-promise.

-Happy Birthday! -Congratulations!

-See you tomorrow! -I...love you.

-He masturbated. -Oh my God!

Ei ei ei...

How is it that every conversation with parents about sex and alcohol

must be so damn embarrassing?

Can't we just talk about it casually?

Like, "Oh, hey, mom and dad.

I'm going to a friend's house now, maybe get drunk.

Or sleep with the hottest girl in school."

"Really, darling? Wow! I'm so proud of you.

And I know you're old enough old enough for alcohol and sex."

I mean, youth is all about about raging hormones,

wild desires and doing stupid things, right?

There is no control. Nature has given it to us, just like superpowers,

and our parents want that we suppress them

and pretend that everything is normal. Is that normal?

Would you say no to Spider-Man? Huh?

And yes, of course you can say that this is childish and silly,

but that's just the way life is. Aren't we all children?

who pretend to be adults?

Okay, well, yes, I have looked at some exotic photos and videos.

But don't you do that?

Delete the search history! *click*.

Blue eggs.

But yes, there is the birthday tradition, that I sit down

and watch my favorite movie: "Highlander".

Why? Because "Highlander" is the best movie of all time!

You get Christopher Lambert, Sean Connery and great Queen songs.

And it all adds up to a wonderful symphony of the great 80s.

Simply unbeatable! I mean, I also like the Adrian Paul series,

no question. But "at the end of the day

there can only be one."

-Ah, hey, Joe. -Zach, cigarettes!

This, folks, is Joe Goldsmith. My best friend since I was eight.

And... Uh, who... who is that?

-Oh, that, that's Jaakko. -Oh, okay. Hey, man.

Hey, what, what's up, bro?

Uh... Nothing, man.

Yes, I understand. I'm a cool guy.

-Good, then, uh, come in, I think. -Yes.

Tell me, where did you pick him up?

-Ah, he was lost in the forest. -Lost, really?

Yes.

Yes, I have a pretty bad orientation.

-Help! Help! -Are you crying now?

Come on, let's get out of here.

And...and, uh, do you go to school here or...?

Yes, I would like to become a pilot.

-Oh, Pilot. That's cool. -That's super cool.

I know. The other option would be Survival Trainer.

Uh, Jaakko? Do you...do you take medication?

because of your orientation problem?

-It's funny you should ask... -What!? Where did you get that, man?

I have plenty of space in in my jacket pockets.

Tonight we will celebrate, like there's no tomorrow.

Uh, now I have friends.

Guys, wait a minute! I forgot my pills.

-What? -Joe, there's gluten in beer,

-It gives me diarrhea! You know that! -Oh, yes.

Guys, here they are!

Yes! DJ, spin that shi-bi-di!

Fuck it, yes!

Oh, Joe's mom is hot

-What the hell are you looking at? -What?

Can't you see it? I've got the bigger club

I'll finish you off If you're in my way

I'll knock you out You'll never be the same again

What do you say?

You heard me, bitch What do you say?

It's my birthday What do you say?

You heard me, bitch What do you say?

I want vanilla with sprinkles, bitch

Tell 'em, Zach Those stupid fools

This time you will be shot You assholes

-All the haters and the... -Quiet, damn it!

Sorry, Mrs. P.! She's really nice.

Let's just a little quieter.

Last move! Stop being such a fucking buzzkill!

-No, no -We have schnapps and beer in the fridge

-Yes, yes -So have a drink and just sit down

Otherwise we'll kick your In your fucking ass

Boom! Yes

You heard us We are bigger than you.

What is this out-of-time and sexist text?

That sounds so aggressive, man.

We have schnapps and beer in the fridge

So have a drink and just sit down

Otherwise we'll kick your In your fucking ass!

Fucking bastards!

-What the hell... -Where are they all?

I...I think, they're all in that direction.

-We just got here, Jaakko. -Oh.

Ex! Ex! Ex!...

It's not true! How crass!

Yes!

Hey, hey, what's up? What's up, guys? This is Wild Pete.

I hope you all have a great great and exciting day

here at the Vuokatti ski resort.

Vuokatin Aateli: Pleasure, life and love.

Shaken, not stirred.

Let's celebrate!

WITH LUXURY BREAKFAST LUXURY ROOM

Today will be a particularly special day, even more special than yesterday.

Soon monsters will rule here,

because today is the annual Monster Fest! Oh yes!

All this is topped off by by a great guest of honor,

a superstar from Hollywood. Oh yes!

WHO IS THIS MAN? And the most important thing:

There is a possibility,

to consume alcoholic beverages!

Don't miss this opportunity!

-Holy shit! -That was a really cool presentation.

-Total. -That's where I want to go.

I'm in.

Really now? Do you really want to join in?

How about kalsarikännit?

We could go into the forest, with beer.

I even happen to have toilet paper with me.

If there is a need.

For example with you.

This is a book.

In any case, there seems to be there will be a corona party.

And that looks like a party with sexy nuns.

And, uh... Wow, an 80s party!

That looks damn cool! Let's go there... Guys? Hello?

Sexy nun party. Super.

Who is this Hollywood superstar on the jury?

-Maybe Christopher Lambert. -Clearly, in my dreams.

It is a great honor that you as a juror

are taking part in the Monsterfest model contest, Mr. Lambert.

Thank you.

Yes...

Looks great.

Hello?

Is anyone there?

Jens? Very funny.

Oh hey, hey, hey! What's up, what's up, guys? It's me, Wild Pete,

here at the Vuokatti Ski Resorts!

Oh, hey! Hi!

-Old man, we're in! Hey... -Welcome, bro.

That's awesome, bro.

-Fuck, what are you doing? -Bro, I'm really sorry.

-Shit...shit. -What's your problem, nerd?

Uh, nothing, man. It's just that your beer is spilled, that's a problem. So...

Then you'd better buy me a new one, huh?

-Milk him, Biff. -Eh, please don't.

Wait. Biff?

-What is it? -Nothing. Your name is just Biff.

-I love the movies. -What the fuck are you talking about?

Uh, well, from Biff, you know...

-Biff? -I don't speak Nerdish.

Oh, very cool. Chill.

-What... Are you Houdini? -Here, take it. Chill.

Make a mosquito and don't do that in the future.

-I knew he knew! -What do you say?

N-nothing, man. I... We... We're fine, aren't we? I... See you then!

Hey, let's celebrate, guys!

Wendy, I can fly!

Hey! Hey! Wow!

Oh! Oh!

Hey, hey, hey! What's going on? What's going on?

Oh, hey! Hey! Uh, ladies and gentlemen,

Are you ready? Are you ready, to have fun?

-Yes! -Today, today is a special day,

that you will remember will remember for a lifetime -

which will certainly be a very long time. Uh...

Wait, wait a minute before we continue. Wait a minute. It's time now.

Now is the most important moment of the day.

It's time to have an alcoholic drink.

Instructions: First you smell it it and look at it.

Then you tip it into your mouth and taste it.

You can feel the anticipation for wonderful things,

that will come your way.

It will crawl out of your belly into your brain and whisper to you.

It will let you know when it's time for the next round!

Yes!

Monsterfest, welcomes the band House of Eli!

Oh boy, so many ski bunnies!

Panettaa.

-Yes! -What? -Eh...

Panettaa, okay? Panettaa.

Panettaa... I have no idea, what that means, but I like it.

Okay.

-Hey, Uncle John. What's up? -Hey hey, happy birthday, kid!

-Hey, thank you, thank you. -How are you? How is Finland?

Good, yes. Uh, Finland? That's beautiful.

I'm in my room right now, resting and waiting,

-until my parents come. What's that noise? Are you partying?

No! No, no parties. I'm only 17.

- "Only 17"? -Yes.

Ha, I was high when I was your age and I was always banging.

What? That's... that's weird. Uh, hey, this place is busy.

-Eh, hey, Uncle John, I have to stop. -What for? To spend some time alone?

Here, there's someone in here! Oh, don't think anything wrong now.

Listen, I understand you. At your age, I did that all the time.

Great, that's really stuck in my mind.

-Thanks for that, great. -What? What did you say, Zach?

-It's really loud there. -Yeah, yeah, uh... Hey, I think,

The letter carrier is coming. Uh, I have to stop now.

Thanks for the call, love you. And Aunt Elisabeth too, okay? Thanks a lot!

-Let it rip, Zach! -Okay.

-You're only young once. -Yes, that's right. You're right...

Okay, love you, bye.

My goodness. Hello, hey! Someone's in here!

Here, uh...

"Chicane.

ALL OK? WHERE ARE YOU? HELLO, OLD MAN!

"I'm in the porta-potty. Where are you? I'll be right with you."

Hey, help!

STAY THERE! DON'T COME OUT!

"What?"

THIS IS "GREMLINS" IN REAL! THESE THINGS KILL PEOPLE!

WE HIDE WITH JAAKKO UNDER THE DJ DESK.

"What? What are you talking about?"

B.L.E.I.B.

Okay...

Where...where is everyone?

Joe?

Shit! Run! Run!

Run!

Run, run!

Run, run!

What the... What the hell?

Run, Jaakko, run!

Perkele!

Wait, the snowmobile!

Get on, go! We're really in the shit.

Oh God!

-What's going on here? -It's like the Muppets are running amok.

-Oh, I love the Muppets, man! -Me too.

Guys, shut up! How do you start this thing?

Yes! Yes! Come on! Hurry up, hurry up!

-Guys, where should I go? -Jaakko?

There is a large department store near here.

Okay, go!

-What are you doing? -Just checking something.

He wants to know who the Hollywood superstar is.

-Drive, drive, drive! -Maybe Kevin Costner!

Shit, you should have jumped, Larry.

That's me, you ass!

-You're such a wooden leg. -Fuck you!

Here they come! Drive!

You have served me faithfully. Do you want trouble with me?

-What's going on back there? -Jaakko!

-Holy shit! -Try freezing again,

you assholes!

-I can feel life! -I don't know where we're going!

-The department store! -What?

-Yaakko, you were right! -I told you so!

Hey... Stop!

-What? Why? -Jaakko is gone!

-What? -Jaakko is gone!

What?

-Go back! -What?

-Go back! -Oh.

Say hello to my little blade!

-Dude! -Jaakko!

Shit... Jaakko!

Jaakko, buddy! Buddy, wake up!

-Is that what I think it is? -Yes. Can you feel it?

-There... -What?!

-Shit, guys, they're coming! -I think the book saved me.

I'll get you, you wankers.

Go, go, go! Yes!

-We won't make it! -Yet, of course! Just don't give up now,

-Mr. Finland! -Mr. Finland? Do you find me attractive?

-What? -No! -Does that mean I'm ugly?

What the hell are you talking about? We're not going to make it! Just hold on tight!

-Yes, Jaakko. Sisu! -Exactly! Sisu perkele!

Yes!

What's with the damn fog? This isn't a John Carpenter movie!

-Hey, man, what are you doing? -Someone has survived.

Oh, okay.

Come on, guys. We're wasting our time here.

-Go, drive! Follow me! -What? -Oh yes.

Go!

STOCK SALE WELCOME

Locked. There must be people in there.

-Hey! Open up! -Oh, thanks for the rescue,

beautiful strangers.

-No thing. -My name is Joe, by the way.

-Natalia. -Has anyone ever told you...

-Hey, wait, wait a minute. Joe? -What is it?

-What are you doing, man? -What do you mean?

I saw them first.

-What? Bro, please. -Hey, don't give me that.

We have to get in there differently.

-She's like a dark angel. -Man...

Joe, Joe, Joe, look at me. I really like her, okay?

-We do that too. Bro. -Yeah, bro, we do too.

No, bro, not you. Okay? Listen, Joe, I...

I saw her. Her and... her eyes.

I understand you. But there are more fish in the sea.

-None of this fish shit. -Would you rather have crabs, you dumbass?

-You're stupid! -No, you!

-Yourself! -Why are you arguing?

We have to get out of here! We have visitors coming.

Run, go, go, go, go, go! Come on, Jaakko!

Jaakko, come with me!

All the front doors are locked. We have to get in there another way.

-Hey, let's go on. -They'll catch us. We have to get in there

-and barricade ourselves in. -Yes, Joe.

-Hey, stop it! -Stop, stop!

Just a moment. J-Jaakko? How, uh, are you...?

-Very easy. I have the keys. -You have the keys?

Why don't you say so, you idiot?

-You work here? -Yes, sort of.

- "Sozu..." What do you mean by that? -D-That's complicated. Okay?

-Oh, oh, uh... They're beautiful. -We have to prepare ourselves.

-W-What for? -To a fight.

-Shouldn't we call the police? -I already have, like many others.

Sexy, sexy Christmas Christmas...

Missing you...

I love the song. With I had sex for the first time with this song.

Me too. With your wife.

-What did the head office say? -No idea. Some crap

of little monsters, who attack people at the monster festival.

Caution!

What the hell?

Do you need help?

You are so funny.

Be careful!

Did they come from the Saarioinen meat factory? I don't know what...

It was as if a pumpkin had had fucked a snowman,

with a Gremlin as a spectator. It was terrible.

The end is near, asshole.

Mmh, delicious. I love finger food.

Oh, I love this guy!

Wild Pete sits behind barricaded doors and begs everyone not to come.

Or come when you have drinks, okay. But then you have to leave again.

It's dangerous. Better not come!

I have to calm my nerves and now drink something alcoholic.

Tommi.

Tommi!

Will you give me your hand?

Let's build a snowman!

What's going on here?

Well, terrible things are happening at the Vuokatti ski resort.

Some tiny creatures have attacked the resort and are destroying everything.

And they kill people. And... I was able to escape,

but have been stuck stuck here in the studio

and have alarmingly few drinks left.

The weather tomorrow will be nice

and the slopes will be well groomed. Uh, but don't come here!

Yes, thank you.

Jaakko? Where is your equipment?

-Boah. -Holy crap.

Not bad...

-What do we do now, boss? -Fulfill our mission.

-We have a mission? -Yes.

To kill them all.

Do you want to sit on Santa's lap?

-I will win. -No, no.

-Oh, really hot. -Biff?

-What the hell are you doing here? -We're just getting to safety.

I wasn't talking to you, nerd.

-But with my brother. -Yes...

-D-Your brother? -He's my stepbrother.

Shut up, nerd! You were never supposed to come here.

-Leave him alone! -Oh... Hey.

You're the little girl from the rock band.

Want a bit of fun?

-'A threesome always works. -You're such an ass!

Shut up!

-You bitch! -Hey!

-Take heart, motherfucker! -You've got a big mouth, nerd.

-You losers! -Come on, man...

Let me in!

Damn it, let me in!

Jaakko, talk to me. Who is that?

Some drunk guy in a Santa Claus costume. I think he wants in.

-And the creeps? -I don't see them. What should I do?

-Let him in! -No.

We'll let him in right now.

My dad owns the place, so I'm the boss here.

Night, night.

Let him in!

Hey, watch out, watch out!

Is something wrong with it?

-That's funny. -Yes.

Oh, shit, the creeps! The creeps!

Hey, I'm out.

-Sayonara, you pissants. -Biff!

Hey, Biff! Wait!

Everything okay?

"Yippie Ya Yay, pig cheek."

"Die Hard".

Come on, come on!

I don't give a damn!

Did you see that?

There!

Come on, get out of here!

IF YOU TOUCH THIS, I'LL KILL YOU!

Come on, guys, let's go!

-Go, go, go,...! -Come on.

-Oh shit. Shit, shit. - You didn't put it on mute?

-I have a birthday today. -Really?

Yes, I am 20.

Okay, okay. I'm 17.

Nevertheless, silent would have been better.

Make your dad proud, you little albino.

Come on, guys, attack!

Come on, back!

That was mega!

What the hell?

Hi there, guys!

Please forgive my uninvited intrusion,

but it sounded like you needed help. need help. So, here I am.

"My uninvited intrusion" - my gosh, people.

-Thank you very much. -Yes. Thank you very much,

-you handsome stranger. -Well, what can I say?

-I was just in the neighborhood. - "I was just..." - my face.

-How did you get in? -Just through the open back door.

- "Straight through the open..." -Joe, that's good.

-Sorry. -Do you...

Looks like the party is getting really hot now.

Right now.

Uh, Time Out You know what? Thanks for watching,

but we had it under control. So thank you, you...

Hey, kiddo. I hate to tell you I hate to be so clear, but...

I am the only hope you have left. What do you say, boss?

Can I stay here?

Hey, boss. I'm 17, damn it.

Good for you, kid. Age is fun.

Yes!

-You've got a bit of plastic. -Yes?

-Don't stick to it, bro. -There's gluten in it.

What, gluten? Oh, fuck!

-No, no, no... -It's all right. It's okay, Jaakko.

Ladies, you don't have have nothing to worry about.

I will take good care of you.

Get away from here!

That looks bad.

-Zach. -What, what?

-That guy, is he okay? -Yes, yes, definitely.

-Yaakko, can we go somewhere? -There, there's a cabin bar.

-Okay, okay. -Up...in the mountains.

Okay, great. Take us there, okay?

Lead the way... Like a boss?

Jaakko, you seem distraught. Can I help you?

Guys, I have an idea!

Wow, like a boss.

Strictly speaking, you are not the boss, Jaakko.

-But now it's me. -Hey, is that the real one? The real one...

For legal reasons, I would not not finish this sentence.

-Bro... -shit.

That's enough.

Bro, why are you stopping?

W-What is that?

I've been waiting for this been waiting for years.

-To what? -Jaakko,

We've already talked about this with the with the psychiatrist, haven't we?

Jaakko, what are you up to?

SHARP

Hasta la vista, you wankers.

No, no, no...!

Oh shit!

-Are you happy now, Jaakko? -Oh yes, I am.

Well, then I'll cancel our appointment with Dr. Landis next week.

Yes, okay.

-Did you plan that? -Yes, I did.

-I hated that place. -Jaakko, you're such a freak, bro.

I will find you, you assholes.

-What are those noises? -What?

Oh, that...that's the explosion.

-Go on, Jaakko. -Yes, yes...

It sounds as if someone urgently urgently needs to get rid of something.

No, no, it's okay. Thanks, A.I...

For legal reasons, I would not not finish this sentence.

Okay, there it is: the hut bar.

We're here? Okay, great, quick! Go!...

I wish you a great and productive night. Go for it!

Oh, oh, oh. Oh, it's coming, it's coming.

-Do you have a key for this? -Yes, yes, my... You...you

-belongs-...to my stepfather. -Yes, yes, yes? So yes.

-A-Also no. -Fuck you, man!

Just kidding.

Jaakko? Jaakko, where's the toilet?

-Back. -In the back? Oh man, the volcano is boiling.

-What's that? -The damn gluten, man. Really brutal.

Come on, guys, leave him alone.

-Oh, and don't turn on any lights. -But...but the bar?

-Okay. But only at the bar. -Oh, thank you.

Oh yes.

Man, I wonder what Natalia thinks. Does she not care or

Do you think she is on it somehow and says:

"Oh, I love a man, who isn't afraid to poop in front of everyone.

He's so manly and so tough, when he poops in front of everyone

and fart all over the room. And that's okay."

That's okay.

Right?

"Chicane.

Jaakko, the hut looks like a Christmas tree.

-I told you, just the bar. -Oh. Thank you.

Nice here.

Oh, oops, "cocktail"!

Do you want one?

No, it's like in the Tom Cruise movie.

Oh, oops. Mr. Diarrhea, how are you?

I'm fine again.

Hey, guys. I just want to say, I'm really sorry.

That's really embarrassing. Uh, nothing like this has ever happened to me before.

Don't go to the toilet for 35, 45 minutes don't go to the toilet.

-Amen. -Yes.

-Jaakko, I have to ask you something. -Yes?

-Where did you get that book? -Oh, that one, t-that one...

It was in the forest, yes. My lifesaver. Yes...

There's, uh, some pretty weird stuff in there. It's like the diary of a...

intellectual thin shit.

-What if I keep it? -Go ahead. Yes,

it helps with urgent business.

I am thirsty.

Hey. I have an idea.

-Is this going to be a party? -Something like that.

-Hey, uh, Jaakko? -Yes?

-What's in that stuff? -Oh, it's just vodka.

Yes... Can I say something?

I just want to, uh... You know,

I don't know you all that well, uh...

And today was a really weird day.

Everyone bullies me all the time

and tell me I'm worth nothing, I am nothing.

But you have shown me that life is worth living

and you should fight for it.

Sisu perkele!

-Sisu! -Sisu!

- Cheers, Guys. -Yes, cheers.

Really good. Yes.

I love you.

We love you too, Sloth.

-Well... - "Sloth"?

-Yes. From "The Goonies". -Yes.

Can I also take part?

Sure. I mean, I... I don't care.

This doomsday mood makes me search for closeness.

Honestly?

You're really brave, you know?

What? Uh, me? Oh, stop it.

-You want me to disappear? -Ah, what? No. No, no...

I, uh... I want to...

Okay.

O-Okay, wow. Oh, oh, okay.

Great, uh... Hey, s-sorry, uh. First of all, uh...

Thank you for that. And secondly, uh... Hang on a second, okay?

-What are you up to? -Ah, bon appétit, hm?

-Hi. -Hi.

What's on?

-Very nice speech. -Oh, thank you.

-Like you. -Beautiful?

Yes, fine.

Uh, wow. You are super great. Super.

-But... Do you want tea first? -Do you want sex?

One second...

Safe. Safe.

-If we should die... -I don't want to die a virgin.

-I can help with that. -Oh, please, help me, sister.

Please, help me.

-Hey. Everything okay? -Yes. Yes.

Uh, are you calling your boyfriend or...?

No. No, uh... I don't have one.

I just wanted to talk to my parents.

-Where are they? -Eh, they're in New Mexico.

I come from Kiev, from the Ukraine. But I moved a lot as a child,

because of my father's profession.

I never had the feeling that I I belonged anywhere, really.

Well, I've always lived in Oregon, my whole life.

I can't really understand that.

It's stupid to think that way, but...

I wish my dad had never taken the never taken the job at Chicane.

"Chicane"?

-The research institution? -Yes. He's, uh, a scientist.

-Oh, wow. -Yes.

I just wish I could have seen him more often.

-Sorry. -It's okay.

And?

-Don't you like them? -Oh, what...

-Oh, uh, her? -Yes.

Oh, no.

Joe. Zach. K.I.T.T.

No. I mean... No.

It's funny that you should say that, uh, that you bring that up.

Because, uh...

Actually...

like...I like you.

You like me?

Yes. Uh... Even... even very much.

-I think you're very pretty... -Oh.

Okay, I see. Well then, for the record:

I don't think you're so bad either.

-Oh, you can be funny. -Yes, I can.

I know the timing is not quite perfect,

but...I wonder,

whether you might

want to dance with me now.

Zach, we don't have any music.

Oh, uh... Well.

But we could.

Don't you horny guys just want just want to have sex before the world ends?

I just want to dance.

With you.

Joe.

-Fuck me! -Yes? Okay.

Come on, don't stop.

Oh, good...

Oh, Joe!

Wait, M-Moment! Stop! Stop, stop! Wait, wait a second!

-No, no! -What?

Tighter! Tighter!

Oh, uh... I still have to find the song.

-You might know him. -Yes?

-Okay. -Take it easy, Don Juan.

You are beautiful.

Sisu perkele!

-What about the light? -Oh, uh...

Don't you want to know?

Happy Birthday.

-It's freezing here, Biff. -Shut up! Shut up.

You can run, but you can't hide.

Not with me, people.

Merry Christmas.

-You see the scar? -Where did you get it?

-A fight. -A fight?

-Yes. With a cat. -A real one?

-Fully grown. -Wow...

Yes...

So, we know. You had sex.

-Uh, no, we didn't. -What makes you think that?

What is actually wrong with the lamps? Loose contact or...

Oh... Well, in the heat of the moment...

Guys, guys, guys. I think this is it!

-What? -When we left the house this morning,

there was green smoke in the forest.

-Can't remember. -Well, then please let me explain.

Ah, what's this, Dude? What... What, what is that?

Don't you fools see That I have the bigger club?

IT'S GREEN SMOKE, PEOPLE!

-Or? Do you remember now? -No, still not.

No? Oh... I-I saw him too, when...

What the hell?

Yo, you sucker. Where is everyone?

I am Joe. I'm Zach's best friend.

Zach's penis is much bigger than mine. I love him so much.

-I never said that! -Okay, then go on. Sorry, sorry.

-Eh... Then Jaakko said: -I'm not very good at this,

but I think they're all in that direction.

-No, that was wrong. -Eh, you said it like that:

"Yes, I'm Jaakko..." No, uh, I'll try again.

I-I'm not the best,

but I think they are all in that direction.

I... No, wrong again.

-That was pretty weak. -Still not right.

-Yet, that sounds cool. -Sounds cool?

-Yeah, yeah, that's good. -Cool.

Just right.

However...

W-What's with the green smoke now?

Wait and see.

Here it comes.

And that looks like a party with sexy nuns.

And then there's this mega 80s party! It looks really great!

Maybe all this shit wouldn't have happened. Oh. Where... Ah.

-What does all this have to do with the creeps? -People, if we kill one of the creeps,

then green blood spurts out. Right?

And her eyes glow green.

Just like

shimmering auroras.

No?

-In the book that Jaakko found... -This is my book.

-Yes, this is your book, from the forest. -Yes...

Everything that happens here is is answered.

-Oh, you mean the creeps. -Yes, exactly!

They are evil spirits from another dimension.

-Oh... -Really crazy!

-That's so cool. -Yes, that's cool, Jaakko.

And this book is like a diary, with pictures of all this, look!

-Oh, man. -Here. That's the machine,

-who created the smoke. -Wow.

And someone planned it.

But why?

Oh, I think I've got it!

Someone hates ski resorts.

No? Okay, no, forget it.

Well, it seems it all started in World War II.

But I can't read it, it's in German and Russian.

And then there are Nazi logos and crazy drawings and...

And Chicane.

"Chicane"? D-Dad's Chicane?

Yes, and there is some kind of connection to the creeps.

And I believe, I firmly believe in it,

that the origin of these mad, murdering snowmen

is related to...this green smoke.

Yes! Green smoke, baby!

No, no, n-not like grass. No. Like the green...

From the machine, the machine. Not like grass. From the machine.

Oh! "Do you want to build a snowman?"

No.

I want to fucking kill him.

Uh, that totally sounds like like a cliché

Monster B-movie plot.

But

In this case it could actually...true.

Thank you.

-Wait. Is that okay if I... -It's okay.

Okay, then...

-What's going on? -Oh, Laddy-Daddy,

-Do we see a kiss? -W-What's happening here?

-Ah, stop it. -Oh, hey, hey. I think,

Here is the "Cabin of Love".

I know where you are.

Oh. Shit...

Uh, excuse me, this is my dad.

-Hey, come to bed. -Okay. I'll be right there.

Hey, Zach. You're probably asleep probably already.

If he knew...

I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday.

I have a little surprise - okay, a big surprise.

I can hardly wait, for you to see her. You know what?

I'm damn proud of you. And I love you, my boy.

Me too, Dad.

-Good evening. -This is Christopher Lambert!

And that means,

Finland is one of the safest countries in the world.

Do you mind? I'll be on my way again soon.

That's totally okay.

So you are the Hollywood superstar.

-I am, yes. -Eh...

-Are you okay? -I... I...I love you.

You must be Zach.

-You know my name? -Of course.

-Your dad told me about you. -Eh, my dad? -Eh...

-Yes. -I wish you

happy birthday -

on this really crazy day.

I'm dreaming, right? That, that's what I'm doing, isn't it?

-You don't... -Always remember that:

You only have one life.

So pick a damn good one.

Fight for what you think is right.

Surround yourself with friends and people you love

and who really care about you.

Follow your passion and your dreams.

And always believe in yourself.

That's crazy.

Go forth and strive for the greatest gift of all: life.

Be friendly and kind,

and always look at everything with an open heart.

Then I promise you: Your dream will come true.

I believe in you.

Take care of yourselves, children.

I'll be back.

Bro, damn, that was Christopher Lambert!

Yes.

That was incredible.

Yes.

Thanks, Dad.

-I know what I have to do now. -Yes, me too.

-What is that? -Take one.

-No, they could harm me. -There's no gluten in them.

-Biscuits... -Go ahead.

-Are you sure? -This is Biff's secret stuff.

He has the same problem as you.

Besides, you need energy, huh?

-Good. -Come on.

-Okay. Well then, cheers! -Cheers!

They are good.

Oh my God.

-So delicious. -Yes.

The taste is weird.

-What is that? -Bananas.

It was really good...

-Wait... -What was in those cookies?

Like "The Birds". Like Spielberg films.

Dude, can't we go out and kill Kurgan?

"Kurgan? Guys, Jaakko just made a allusion to "Highlander".

This is my birthday, you should come and see it.

You will need this.

Holy...

-Thank you, Ramírez. -No problem.

-The feeling you get... -Spielberg is the best.

-What's going on here? -They're totally stoned.

I can feel it.

I can feel them!

-You know, we're united. -Yes.

-We are brothers! -Yes.

Let's finish it!

Hey, maybe I should stay here and protect the ladies.

-Yeah, man, cool. -Yes.

Hey, High-Lander! Let's get the jackets.

We have to go. Your jacket was back there. Come on!

-Where are we going? -Hello, ladies.

Always follow the cookie. Get the cookie!

These are cookies.

-Today is my birthday! -Yes, happy birthday, Zach!

Thank you, Joe!

Oh, shit! Hit!

-I had sex! -I met Christopher Lambert!

People, shut up!

-I am no longer a virgin! -I am still a virgin! Yes!

-Hit! -Hit, yes!

Come on, let me go, let me go! Stop the car!

We are here!

-Do you remember when we did that? -What?

-Just drive down here. -When?

Oh, shit, hey. You're here too!

-She is strong. -I like her.

-She's resolute and I love that. -Yeah, man.

First-person shooter?

-Ego shooter, baby. -Yes, bam!

GAME IS LOADING... Batman...

MISSION: DESTROY THE CREEPS Batman!

-You've got a baseball bat, too. -Clear.

Okay.

Oh, shit!

There!

-Three points! -Are you okay?

-Yes. And you? -I still have a full life.

Yes, they don't stop coming.

Just like the sexy nun.

Oh, shit.

Hey!

Caught!

Hey! Spritz, baby!

Yeah, man! "Spritz 2 - the musical!"

-Great, man. -I love that, bro.

Guys, come on, over here! Come on, let's go!

-Zach, let's go! -Come on, come here!

Zach.

We have to close the door, come on!

Come on, Zach, come on!

Come on!

Wait, wait, wait... What's the plan?

-Wow, that's brilliant. -Oh. Oh...

-Smart. She is smart. -The smartest person I know.

Do you know that?

You're pretty high, sweetheart.

Shit.

Come here.

Oh my God, that's disgusting.

-That's disgusting. -Yes.

When it melts like that, I have to think about it,

how I ate ice cream... Oh, hey.

-I think he's playing a game. -I'm melting, I'm melting!

Can you guys finally sober up, Guys? Come on!

Hey, I'm really sorry. Don't leave me like this.

Tonight is the night But the farewell is done

And I say goodbye to you.

-Oh God! -Oh, what a snake!

Do you mean my cock?

Oh, police. Stop it!

Joe?

Zach?

Biff?

What the hell are you doing here?

How did you two get in here?

Hey, you wanted a threesome.

-Yes. -Hey. Shh...

-You're so dead. -I'll sort it out.

-I'll sort it out. -Get lost!

-Go! -I don't even know your names. I, uh...

I will protect you ladies.

Awesome shorts. Where did you buy them?

At Losers "R" Us? Now get the fuck out!

-No, Biff. You're getting out of here. -What did you say?

You know, you're an asshole, huh? And you know what else?

Life is too short to put up with people like you.

So fuck off, Biff!

Do you really think they care about you?

I learned that from a from a real friend.

-You bastard! -You are one, yes.

-But what am I? -A hero!

Exactly, a hero.

It's called "Back to the future", Asshole!

Hero! Hero!

Come here.

-Shall we continue, ladies? -Yes, yes...

-Can you help me up? -Yes, come.

Is that difficult...

Oh, there's a car.

Sweet. What's on my back?

-Just stop. -Yeah, right, there's a car, guys.

-I love this movie. -Ey, me too.

-Top three movie. -Top three?

-Yes. -Rather good.

Fuck, what was that?

Did you hear that?

Dude, yo, you don't believe it now.

That was my stomach.

My stomach, I'm hungry. I...I've never been so hungry.

-Natalia, do you have anything to eat? We... -We need something to eat.

Guys, concentrate, please! God...

Hey, I've got another sandwich! From the department store...

You have a sandwich?

-Oh, what kind? -No idea.

-Is it made from wheat? -No, it's...

-I can't tolerate gluten. -That's ham, bro.

-Ham? -Yes, ham.

Guys!

"Soviet Union."

Oh... Guys! Joe, Joe!

This must be the source.

- "Highlander 5", Bro. -Oh!

How do we turn them off, people?

Oh. Uh... Oh, the book! The answer is in the book!

The book. The damn book.

The book. The book...

Uh, let's drive the against it by car. I'm sure that works too.

-You forgot the book. -Yes, I have.

-Great. -People?

Let's blow them up.

What?

Okay?

Dude, are you okay?

Everything is okay.

-What the...!? -Did you kill him?

No, he was already here, bro.

-It was already there when we arrived. -People...

He's dead, he's dead. That's not good. This is not good.

That... That's good. That is so good.

Zach?

-What is it, baby? -Okay, Mr. I'm-20-years-old.

-You are sweet. -And you eat normal bread.

Yes.

Oh...

I finally have you.

Did he just say something?

What?

Our time has come. Attack!

Oh, shit!

Is that really happening here? Okay.

Damn!

Oh, shit!

Not today!

Who is...!

Dude, watch out!

-This is snow! -Do I have to do everything myself?

Just stupid snow!

Attack!

Help! Help!

Zach!

Ninja!

Stop it!

Don't! You stink, man!

Zach!

Get off! Get off me!

It's time to make a real splash.

Get up!

Thank you.

Thank you...

What...?

Oh, I should stop with the Stop doing drugs, man.

Oh.

-Where the hell is Zach? -No idea. Get in the car!

Oh, shit. Shit...

-Come on! -Crap.

-Where the hell is Zach? -I've got... Damn it! Go on, drive!

-Oh, shit! -Come, come, come,...!

Hello... Well? Everything okay?

They look scary. Uh... Everything all right?

Come, come, come...! Okay, here we go!

I'm going to destroy these snow asses now!

Okay, come on!

Wow! Okay, okay. One more time!

Okay.

That hurt, man.

That was close. That was...

Fuck!

Are you serious?

Oh, Lambert, please!

-Go, go, go,...! -Okay. Ready?

-Yes! -Full throttle!

-What the... -Once again!

-Go, drive! -Okay. -Oh, shit!

-Oh, shit! -Man, come on now!

-Go! -He's on strike!

Jump on! That damn... Oh, oh!

Here comes salvation, at last!

Oh shit!

You will die like all your peers.

We will travel through the portal into your world

and destroy them.

What, a portal?

Oh!

Oh!

You're making the classic rogue mistake, you would-be Kurgan.

You told me your plan. Yes, exactly.

-It's too late. -Oh, shit.

Please, please! Please, wait! No, don't!

-Lambert! -Hail, Zach. You called?

Go away!

At the end of the day

there can only be one.

Go, go, go, go! Zach!

-Zach? -Yes!

What is he doing there?

-The bread! You damn genius! -What?

Do it, damn it!

What the hell are you looking at?

Can't you see it? I've got the bigger club

I'll finish you off If you're in my way

I'll knock you out You'll never be the same again

What do you say?

You heard me, bitch What do you say?

Can you smell that? That's my shit! What do you say?

You heard me, bitch What do you say?

Eat that, you creep asses!

Yes!

Those stupid fools

This time you will be shot You assholes

-All the haters and the bitches here -Yes!

Wow!

Holy shit, that was wild.

-This really worked! -This really worked...

There can only be one.

Wow!

I'm sorry,

I'm getting emotional right now.

-Are you all right? -I am now.

Bro...

So, uh... We...we did it, huh?

-Joe, come here, man! -Come!

-Come on! -Joey!

-Comm. Dance? -We have made it!

Hey, look.

The key.

It opens up the worlds, connects dimensions, sets the spirits free.

With this key, I have the power!

What the hell?

Give me the key!

-Hello, Gollum! Wake up! -What?

Dude, what's wrong?

You've just gone Lord of the Rings in the style of the Lord of the Rings.

What? I... I...

-And now? -Oh shit. We should leave now.

Zach!

-Come on! -What? -Oh, shit.

Yes, yes, okay!

Oh God.

Holy shit.

-Full of the big action. -Oh, damn, they look real.

-Yes. -At least they don't have green eyes.

Guys, that dead guy stole stole the key from Chicane,

so that the spirits of the other dimension,

which was started during the Second World War.

Excellent, Agent Mulder. Excellent.

-Tell Chicane that he's back. -Understood.

Okay. Let's...let's just... just get out of here, okay?

-Yes. You are right. She's always right. -Yes...

-Okay? -Clear, bro.

Yes!

It has happened to us

But we survived the night

It doesn't matter now

Because we are all alive

People have died

And we should have helped them

Oh crap, you're right

We can make this world Make it a better place

We are the world

We are survivors

We are the ones Who survived this shit

So let's Sue this damn place

We are the world

We are survivors

We are the ones Who survived this shit

So let's Sue this damn place.

Oh...

-Oh... Shit. -What is it?

These are my parents. I'd better go. Uh...

Guys... Come on.

Hey, colleagues! That was awesome!

Yeah, man.

I, uh... Thank you, for everything.

Shit, man, I love you.

Me too.

Oh yes, uh. You'd better wash your hands.

Oh, come on now.

Yes, mom? Yes, I'm coming. Best birthday ever!

-Just go! -Yes, I'm coming.

-See you later. -I'm coming.

-He's really something, isn't he? -Yes.

-Yes, he's funny. -Yes.

-So then... -So then.

What now?

Uh, I mean... I've never been to New Mexico.

That's right, yes. Uh... I think we should change that.

-Really? -Yes.

Oh, and how do you imagine that?

I think something like this.

You've done well, boy.

You did a good job.

Oh. H-Hi, stepdad.

Jaakko.

-Hey, Daddy. -Wanna join in?

Oh dear, no.

Double double.

2 WEEKS LATER Bananananananau!

All right, folks? Tom Cruise here.

Just kidding, this is Zach. But you already know that.

So, you must be wondering what happened after that day, huh?

Well, my parents finally arrived

and we had a wonderful birthday party outside the resort,

together with Joe's family. They didn't know what had happened,

and believe me, we held tight. My dad was totally thrilled with

my meeting with Christopher Lambert, as did I.

Incidentally, he managed to escape during the night, completely unharmed,

and really kicked Kurgan's ass. Believe it or not,

we are still in contact and he invited us,

to watch "Highlander" with him, whenever we want.

Hey, could it be any cooler? Uh, you're probably wondering,

what's going on with Jaakko. Well, this little Minion

has been kicked out of his home. He now lives with the two of them

adorable, sexy nuns, who by the way just bought a dog, by the way

and called him Zach. Cute, huh?

Joe tried to to text the one nun,

but unfortunately she just hosts it,

which is very sad for him, in more ways than one.

But I know, I know, you want to know, how things are going with me and Natalia.

And, uh, I owe you the truth.

We, uh, we didn't go to New Mexico.

But she came to Oregon with us.

My parents have totally in love with her. And yes,

I have also fallen in love with her. She...she's incredible.

So, kids, the lesson is this:

Don't be afraid to fall in love.

Sure, yes, okay, sex is great.

But love...love is even better.

Get out there! Throw yourself into new adventures, fall in love, open your heart!

And if you are already in love, then cherish that love.

Make use of the greatest of all gifts that life has for you.

I quote John Hughes: "Life goes by pretty fast.

If you don't stop now and then and look around, you might miss it."

Break it up, Casanova.

Yes. Uh, and...

Okay, have...have lots of sex.

I love you, Mr. Snowman.

I will be back.

We are finished.

I already know. Yes, we are already on air. Yes, shh.

Hey, hey, hey! This is Wild Pete. Everything's fine, everything's okay.

I'm...I'm fine. I'm, uh... Everything is fine.

I...I know, if you heard my show yesterday heard my show yesterday,

then, uh, you might believe,

that...that something really strange has happened here in the ski resort.

As if creatures had, well, killed people and stuff.

But...but ha ha! I've fooled you.

Yes, it was all just a big joke.

Yes, the biggest joke I've I've ever made on this show,

the "Wild Pete Show". That...that was really big.

Well, I was under the in influence of alcoholic beverages.

I, I think I had one or two more than normal.

But...that's what happens here.

It's just the usual, uh, hangover after the normal annual monster fest,

like every year, and... Oh, the main thing is,

that our guest, Mr. Christopher Lambert is doing well.

He is doing well. And nobody is suing anyone here

or something or other. So everything is back to normal.

Just forget about it and, uh, enjoy this beautiful day here in Vuokatti.

Hey, can I get another drink?

I...I'm really in pain.