Original subtitles

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull M_I_SForEver

[KYLE GRUNTING, PANTING]

KYLE: Can you go slower?

MIKE: Yeah, sorry.

MIKE: Can I have the water bottle?

Yeah.

It's called a bidon.

What's in it?

Orangina.

- Thanks. - No problem.

No, thanks for this.

For getting me out here.

I never would have thought of doing this.

- It's beautiful. - Yeah.

And I kind of need it

because I've been getting fat.

Yeah. Most people get in shape before their wedding.

Yeah.

I... I didn't do that.

Yeah. Hey, when we hit the hill up here,

try to keep, like, a steady cadence.

- What's a cadence? - Uh, your pedal cadence,

it's the rhythm of your feet as they move.

You want to keep them consistently moving.

All right.

So you're, like, really into this.

- Cycling? - Yeah.

- Yeah. It's like... - Ah, I love it.

You know, it's beautiful, you sweat a lot.

Helps me clear my head when, you know, uh...

Maybe when I get back home,

I can get a bike and we can do it together.

This could be, like, our thing.

- Yeah. That'd be cool. - Cool.

Mike, I'm getting married. How awesome is that?

Awesome.

She's the best.

She's like the best person ever.

I don't have to change to be with her, you know?

Remember how Marissa made me get that Rob Thomas haircut

and Tina made me be an atheist for a year?

- Yeah, I remember that. - Yeah.

Ava isn't like that.

She loves me for who I am.

And I love her for who she is.

And I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with her.

Kyle, I slept with Ava.

What?

What do you mean "slept"?

Like, we sexually slept together.

Shit.

All right.

Wha...? Oh, my God.

I'm gonna fucking kill you. Ah!

I'm gonna fucking kill you. Ugh!

Now, when?

When...? When did you sleep together?

I don't know exact dates. I didn't...

Dates?!

Dude, slow down. Pace yourself.

[GROANING]

- How long? - Like a quarter mile.

No, how long has this been going on?

When did it start?!

When she moved to New York.

Three years ago!

This whole fucking time?!

No.

No, not the whole time. It was... You know.

It was before you guys started dating.

[PANTING]

[BICYCLIST YELLS IN FRENCH] Come on, don't fade!

[MIKE PANTING]

Hello.

Okay.

Okay, Mike.

You guys slept together.

It happened.

It's in the past.

It also happened in the present.

Oh, fuck, Mike! Aah!

Switch gears. You need to pedal at a higher cadence.

Fuck you, Mike. Ah...

You're like... You're like a real-life Judas.

On the plus side, that makes you like Jesus,

so that's like a...

Was that a joke?

Are you making a joke?

You're right.

It was in bad taste.

- What do you want me to say? - "I'm sorry"?

I didn't plan this, it sort of just like...

It happened. I don't know. There's something about her.

She's smart and interesting

She does this thing with her hips I've never...

What? The hip thing? She's my fiancée.

You think I don't know about the hip thing?

- You're right. I'm sorry. - Oh...

If I catch you, I'm gonna kill you.

I know, that's why I waited for the hill.

[GRUNTING]

Yeah, you got this. Come on.

- Mike, shut up. - Dig!

Fuck you!

Push it.

[YELLING]

Why are you doing this?

- I just thought you'd wanna know. - Why would I wanna know?

I don't know, man.

You're getting married, and...

I'm your best man, I had to tell you.

You're not my best man anymore.

I wrote a speech.

I don't care.

Who's gonna be your best man?

Anybody, Mike.

Anybody but you is gonna be my best man.

- That's like a $30 bidon. - What does "bidon" even mean?

[HORN HONKING]

It's a French word for bicycle water bottle.

Go around!

Go around!

Fucking go around!

[DRIVER YELLS IN FRENCH] Move!

Asshole!

Fuck you.

Motherfucker!

[♪♪♪]

DRIVER [IN FRENCH]: Get out of the way, asshole!

- [HORN HONKS] - [TIRES SCREECH]

What's up, motherfucker?

- MIKE: Fuck you! - You hooligan!

What the fuck is your problem, motherfucker?

Fucking asshole.

Get the fuck off me!

[MIKE GRUNTING]

GIRL [IN FRENCH]: Papa, are you okay?

DRIVER: Yes yes, my chickadee. Get back in your seat!

I won't be long.

MIKE: Fucking stop! Ugh! Arrêt!

[MIKE GROANING]

Okay, okay, okay...

- [DULL THUD] - [MIKE GASPING]

[ENGINE STARTS, REVS]

- [RADIO PLAYING SOFT TUNE] - [TIRES SCREECH]

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, holy shit.

Oh, horses.

KYLE: Thought you were a good fighter.

MIKE: These shoes have no traction.

[MIKE GROANS]

KYLE: Swear it won't happen again.

- MIKE: I swear. - KYLE: Like you mean it, Mike.

- Swear it's not gonna happen. - I swear it won't happen again.

I... Ow! Mm!

[IN FRENCH] It's a bruise. Bruise. Bruise. Bruise. It's nothing.

- He saying blue, it's blue. - I can see what color it is.

Okay. I have looked over your x-rays.

You have nothing broken.

It's only bruised.

However, I would like to do some tests

to make sure he hasn't suffered any head trauma.

Yes?

- What's he saying? - I don't know,

He's speaking so fast.

Are you understanding me? Do you understand French?

[IN FRENCH] Yes. I study the French in high school.

Ah, okay. Uh...

He has some severe bruising but nothing is broken.

Can you tell that to your friend?

He's not my friend.

Come with me.

- [IN ENGLISH] Come, come, come. - [IN ENGLISH] Okay.

Oh.

[GROANS SOFTLY]

Ah, cool.

- AVA: Hey. - Hey.

[CHUCKLES]

What happened to your hair?

Oh, I had a hat on.

Are you okay?

Uh, yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.

- I think I broke a rib. - Where's Kyle?

Uh, with the doctor.

- Is he okay? - Yeah, he's fine.

I mean, emotionally, he's not. But...

What happened?

I told him about us.

And he beat you up.

No. A Frenchman beat me up.

I think he used Krav Maga.

I wouldn't say he beat me up...

Mike, we talked about this.

- It's over. - I know.

I know. That's what I said. I said it was over.

You know, and what we did was, like, stupid and meaningless.

Yeah. It was meaningless.

- Right. That's what I said. - And stupid.

And you guys love each other and you're getting married.

Yes. We're getting married.

I'm happy for you.

Me too.

Look, Mike, it's better like this.

You know, I thought a lot about our story,

and it didn't start good.

It means something.

- I love you. - You know you...

I shouldn't have said that.

I don't know why I said that.

Just, I think about it a lot.

- What? - And I love you.

Sorry. I'm not thinking clearly. I think I have a concussion.

I'm sorry. Please don't tell Kyle. Fuck.

[SIGHS]

Fuck!

[SIGHS]

[IN FRENCH] Fucking shit!

What does that mean?

[IN ENGLISH] It means, fuck, you make me shit!

I'm sorry that...

Oh, my God. Mike, are you serious?! You just promised!

Kyle, wait!

Wait!

- Can we talk? - About what?

- About this. - I don't wanna talk about this.

- I fucking hate this. - Okay.

Okay, you know what? I do wanna talk about this.

What's happening?

- I... - Do you love me? Look at me.

- Yes. - Okay.

Good. And do you still wanna get married?

PRIEST: For the Lord himself will descend from heaven

with a cry of command,

with the voice of an archangel

and with the sound of the trumpet of God...

- [TRACTOR ENGINE RUMBLING] - [BACK-UP SIGNAL BEEPING]

...and the dead in Christ...

- [TRACTOR APPROACHING] - [BACK-UP BEEPING CONTINUES]

And the dead in Christ will rise first.

Then we who are left,

who are alive,

will be caught up together with him in the clouds,

so that we may meet the Lord in the air.

We will always be with the Lord.

Therefore, encourage one another with these words.

[♪♪♪]

In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit,

amen.

I would just like to take a moment

to say thank you to all of you

who've been here today to support the family

and to support one another.

We who are alive, who are left,

and who right now are experiencing

a moment of immense sorrow.

But our faith tells us that this very same moment...

is a moment of immense joy.

And she is now in the hands of the heavenly father.

And right now, her husband, Michael,

would like to say a few words.

- Thank you, Father. - God bless.

- God bless, son. - Thanks.

Thank you, Father, for the beautiful words.

It's strange hearing them

because Ava really didn't believe in heaven.

She was more into the idea of reincarnation.

This all happened so fast...

I didn't know where to find a priest

who would talk about reincarnation,

so I just went with the basic package

they sold me at the funeral home.

[SIGHS]

I...

I was planning on...

I'm sorry. I'm...

Thank you, Father, for being here.

I think I'm fucking this up, my... Sorry.

[SNIFFS]

I'm sorry, this is a union cemetery,

I can't let you do that.

I was just gonna throw some dirt on and go home.

I'm sorry. Unless you're Local 365,

I can't let you touch the equipment.

- It's a fucking shovel. - Michael, Michael, it's okay.

It's okay, it's all right.

I'm sorry, Father. I'm sorry, sir.

Give me the fucking shovel!

I'm gonna put some dirt on and I'm gonna go home.

- Back the fuck up! - Put the shovel down!

- Back up! Get the... - Put it down!

Ava!

PRIEST: No, no. Hey, no, no.

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Come on!

- [GRUNTS] - [MIKE YELLS]

[KYLE GRUNTING]

Mike.

Hey, Kyle.

Hey.

I didn't think you were gonna come.

Thanks for coming.

I miss her.

Yeah, I get it.

Yeah, you're...

You're the only one who gets it.

You know she started rescuing dogs?

At one point, I had, like, seven dogs living in my house.

It was like a kennel, but they weren't, like, normal dogs.

They were street dogs.

This one dog, Gus, would growl at me. I would fear...

[CHUCKLES]

That's the thing. It's like...

We built this life together, but...

It wasn't perfect, but it was ours.

She was patient and loving.

People would tell me when you get married,

sex is supposed to go downhill, but it didn't.

It went uphill. Like, fast up hill.

Got, like, real crazy.

- We started getting... - Come here, come here, hey.

Now I'm stuck with all these dogs.

You were my best friend.

And I know I lost that. You know, but...

[VOICE BREAKING] Now I lost my wife.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

[MIKE CRYING SOFTLY]

I'm not sorry for being with her,

because I loved her and I would do that again.

But I'm sorry for what it did to us, you know?

TRACTOR DRIVER: ♪ Glory, hallelujah I shall not be moved ♪

♪ Anchored in Jehovah I shall not be moved ♪

♪ Just like the tree Planted by the waters ♪

BOTH: ♪ I shall not be moved ♪

♪ I shall not be I shall not be moved ♪

♪ I shall not be I shall not be moved ♪

ALL: ♪ Just like a tree Planted by the water ♪

♪ I shall not be moved ♪

♪ I shall not be I shall not be moved ♪

♪ I shall not be I shall not be moved ♪

♪ Just like a tree Planted by the water ♪

♪ I shall not be moved ♪

[SHAWN MULLINS' "LULLABY" PLAYING OVER STEREO]

[LIP-SYNCHING] ♪ She grew up ♪

♪ With the children Of the stars ♪

♪ In the Hollywood Hills And the boulevard ♪

♪ Her parents threw big parties Everyone was there ♪

♪ They hung out with folks Like Dennis Hopper ♪

♪ And Bob Seger And Sonny and Cher ♪

♪ She feels safe now In this bar on Fairfax ♪

♪ And from the stage I can tell ♪

♪ That she can't let go And she can't relax ♪

♪ And just before She hangs her head to cry ♪

♪ I sing to her a lullaby ♪

♪ I sing, everything Is gonna be all right ♪

♪ Rockabye... ♪

- [STEREO CLICKS] - [SONG STOPS]

Hey. I was doing the whole seduction thing.

Yeah, I can see that.

I thought you thought it was funny.

It was funny when you were fat.

But now it just feels too serious.

Are you gonna talk to them?

It's Thanksgiving, I'll talk to everyone.

Kyle, I'm fucking serious.

Okay, I will. But if we make this into a thing,

- it's gonna be a thing. - It is a thing.

- SUZI: Kyle, turkey's ready. - You need to tell her.

Okay, Mom!

You know your mom doesn't like me.

What? My mom loves you.

She didn't like me in high school.

- That's not true. - Mm-hm.

You shouldn't smoke in here.

Because she can smell it and it's like a whole thing.

SUZI: Kyle, this turkey needs to be cut!

- Okay, Mom, I'm coming! - Just tell her no.

What?

But I'm the turkey cutter.

[SIGHS]

Have you ever said no to your mother?

Yeah.

I honestly don't believe that you have.

- Okay. - Let's just practice.

Just say it to me.

Just say no.

No.

I don't believe it.

Okay, let's try, um...

Kyle, can you take me to the airport?

Sure.

I mean, no.

Wait. Do you have to go to the airport?

- Because... - Okay, let's just try it again.

Um, we're just saying no.

- Okay. - Ahem...

Kyle, can you take me to the airport?

No.

Here. Just ask me something.

Okay. Um, can you take me to the airport?

No. Absolutely not.

- Did you believe me? - Wow. Yeah.

- Good. - That's great.

Can you take me to the airport?

No.

No, you need to mean it.

- No. - No, say it again.

- No. - No.

No!

- No! - No. No!

[YELLING] No!

- No! - No!

No! Kyle! Can you take me to the fucking airport?

- No! - Yeah.

Yeah.

[WHISPERS] Yeah, that was good.

[MOANS]

[MOANS]

Yes.

Oh, fuck.

Fuck! Fuck, fuck.

[SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

Mom, what are you doing?

I think they're fighting.

You have to give them some privacy.

- Well, it's my house. - Dani, we don't like her.

Wait, why don't we like her?

Because.

[ELECTRIC KNIFE BUZZING]

Oh, Kyle, please,

your father's cutting the turkey!

[FAMILY MEMBERS CHATTERING]

Who wants a Manhattan?

Yes, yes, Grandma, you want a Manhattan?

GRANDMA: Oh, of course!

Whoa, whoa, Dad! Dad, Dad, you can't cut it like that.

You can't cut down the middle.

Okay, well, it was getting cold, so I...

It's okay, I got it. I'll take it.

All right. Let me know when it's done.

- Mama. - Oh!

- Want a Manhattan? - Yeah, of course.

Of course. Oh, my God. Mom, that smells so good.

[KNIFE BUZZING]

- Kyle, is everything okay? - Yeah, why?

- I thought I heard fighting. - No, we're fine.

If you're going through a rough patch...

Mom, Mom, please. Just stop.

I'm sorry. I know you've been through a lot.

I didn't like her when you were together in high school,

- you followed her to SUNY... - I chose to go.

You got in to Amherst.

We're not having this conversation.

She broke up with you first semester.

DANI: Kyle, your commercial's on. Come on!

Oh, my God. Come on.

- Where's the remote? - I don't know.

- I don't know. - It's over there.

Do you have to sit down every time?

- Why would I take it upstairs? - DANI: You always do.

- Oh, got it, got it. Okay. - Turn it up, turn it up.

ANNOUNCER [ON TV]: Side effects of Vulvitra may include bleeding,

hemorrhaging, dizziness and seizures.

- GRANDMA: What's going on? - It's Kyle's commercial.

Users have reported severe mood swings and suicidal thoughts.

Those taking birth control should talk to your doctor

- before using Vulvitra. - WOMAN: ♪ Vulvitra ♪

♪ Open the floodgates To your love life ♪

- DANI: It's so good! - Kyle, it's amazing!

I just did the jingle, so...

What does it do?

It's Viagra for women, Grandma.

It makes you wet.

- Bianca. - What?

GRANDMA: Oh.

- Oh, that's nice. - Tone it down.

- Pretty good marketing. - Yeah, big pharma's got their...

- JACKIE: Hey. - Hey.

- Oh, your skirt's, um... - Oh, thank you.

[♪♪♪]

- Hey. - Hey.

- Hey. - Hey.

Hi.

- You want a Manhattan? - No, I'm good.

Kyle and I are doing this, um, no-sugar diet.

There's sugar in this?

- I thought this was just alcohol. - Hey.

- You missed Kyle's commercial. - Oh, I've seen it.

- Oh. Isn't it great? - Yeah.

Doesn't it feel like it was written for men though?

Oh, it was written for men.

- Well, I thought it was great. - MARK: Looking good, Kyle.

- So did I. - Lose some weight?

KYLE: Marissa's making me work out.

MARK: I bet she is.

Listen, for, uh, New Year's,

Jim bought all of us tickets

to the Thomas Sullivan, so I don't know what your plans were.

But if you wanted to join us, we could get an extra ticket.

So there's a full dinner and live music.

Yeah, the DJ, Tom and orchestra's playing.

That's cool. Um, actually, Kyle and I planned

this big ski trip for New Year's.

I thought he might have told you guys about it.

- No, no. - Hey, Kyle?

- KYLE: Yeah? - Come in here for a second?

Sure.

Are you drinking right now?

Yeah, Kyle, you know the tickets for the Thomas Sullivan,

they're nonrefundable, so maybe you could just push

your dates back, for your trip, a couple days?

No.

Mm, I'm sorry, Mom. No. I... I'll pay for the tickets.

Oh... Kyle, it's not about the money.

What is it about?

- Family. You know, family? - Guys, can we...?

Families spend holidays together.

I agree.

So, what did we decide, then?

Should I get another ticket?

- No. - No.

- Okay. - Kyle, can...?

You need to tell her. Now.

Okay.

Um...

We're getting married.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, congratulations.

- Thank you. - Congratulations.

- Congratulations. - Wow.

- DANI: What's happening? - Um, they're getting married.

Oh, my God.

- Yay, sisters! - Yay.

- Oh, my God. - What?

We're getting married.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

- Oh, my God. Let me see the ring. - Oh, it's... I'm designing it.

- Wow. - Yeah.

- Wait, they're getting married? - You did great.

Oh, my God.

What's going on?

Kyle got engaged, Grandma.

Oh, my God.

Grandma. I'm getting married.

- Wow. Nice. - Yeah.

- Marissa. - Hi.

- Oh, yeah, nice to meet you. - MARISSA: We've met.

[GRANDMA CHUCKLES]

Mom, I'm sorry.

- I was gonna tell you sooner. - It's okay.

I'm happy if you're happy.

- Okay. Thanks. - Are you happy?

- Yes. - Good.

I'm really sorry about all the things

that I said about her before. It's just you're my only son.

And I want what's best for you. All right? And I love you.

I love you too, Mom.

I invited Mike for Christmas.

- What? - Yes.

You invited Mike? What are you doing?

I did, I know. Listen to me.

Nothing's gonna make that okay.

But he is not doing well.

He has no family.

We were his only family. Now he has no one.

He should have thought about that before he fu...

Wait, I taught you...

Are we having this conversation?

...how to be compassionate and forgiving,

so maybe you should look at this as a test to see if you can...

- No! - What?

- No, no, no, Gertie! - KYLE: Oh, my gosh!

- Gertie, really? - BIANCA: What happened?

- KYLE: She ate the turkey! - Goddamn it, Gertie!

JIM: No, no.

Outside.

♪ I found a way ♪

♪ To help me understand ♪

♪ I've got This drinkin' thing ♪

♪ To keep From thinkin' things ♪

♪ About where you've been ♪

♪ Who you've been with And what you've done ♪

♪ And it's a lonely thing ♪

♪ But it's the only thing ♪

[ENGINE SHUTS OFF]

♪ To keep a foolish man ♪

♪ In love hanging on ♪

[SIGHS]

♪ If I wait up at home ♪

♪ I'll only ask her questions ♪

♪ She'd probably Tell the truth... ♪

Oh, fuck.

[BELCHES]

[GROANS]

Shit.

♪ So I sit here On this barstool ♪

♪ Feelin' helpless ♪

[SIGHS LOUDLY]

♪ And wonder just how long ♪

♪ A man can last... ♪

[SNIFFS, SIGHING]

♪ To keep From thinkin' things ♪

♪ About where you've been ♪

♪ Who you've been with And what you've done ♪

- [IGNITION CLICKS] - [SIGHS]

[GROANS]

[DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE]

MARK: Okay, here's what you do.

Keep a small bottle of vodka in your glove compartment.

And when you get in an accident, slam that bottle of vodka down.

- Yeah? Wow. - Right in front of them.

That way, they can't prove you were drunk

before or after the accident.

- So this is real-world advice? - Foolproof.

- SUZI: Yeah. Dani, get the door! - I'm coming.

I always wondered what it'd be like to run a train.

Oh, hey, Gertie.

Oh, my God. Mike, hey.

- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas, Dani.

- Hey, come in. - Hey.

- Good to see you. - You too.

Food in the dining room, drinks in the kitchen.

- MIKE: Okay, thanks. - Sure. Come on, Gertie.

- Is that Michael? - Hey, Grandma.

- What happened? - I don't know.

- Oh. - Whoa.

But listen to me, you gotta go get a haircut, okay?

Oh, this guy doesn't need a haircut. He's a lady-killer.

He's like a hawk, he just swoops in.

- You doing all right? - Yeah, I'm okay, Uncle Mark.

- Know the cheesecake you love? - JIM: Kid's only a freshman.

He doesn't have a rocket arm yet, but he's got great feet.

Suzi and I drove up to the Carrier Dome

to watch him in the state game.

- He's got offers from Rutgers... - DANI: Hey, Dad, look who's here.

- Oh, my God. Mike. - Hey.

Oh, it's great to see you, kiddo.

- Good to see you, Jim. - You too.

Just telling George about this new freshman quarterback

they got at your college.

- Have you seen this kid yet? - No, I haven't.

- Want a drink? - Yeah.

- Take mine. I just made it. - Thank you.

Your sweater's on backwards.

I'll never forget that game against Fox Lane.

You faked that defensive end right out of his jockstrap.

You guys made a great team. You ought to...

- BIANCA: Hey, uh, Mike's here. - Okay.

He's kind of fat, just a heads-up.

Why would I need a heads-up?

- Well... - Kyle, Mike's in the living room.

- Yeah, I just told him. - He got fat.

- Right? - Yeah.

- You okay? - Yeah, fine.

- Are you gonna talk to him? - I don't know, Dani.

- Where are you going? - How's the jewelry website going?

Good. Kyle started working with me.

Wow. I thought he already had a job.

Yeah, I think he's gonna quit.

We got so many orders this Christmas.

Kyle got really good at gift wrapping.

- You guys make a great team. - MARISSA: Yeah.

I'm gonna get some air.

JIM: Mike had that! He was a natural athlete.

Shame he didn't play in college.

- GRANDMA: Who? - JIM: Mike.

Hey, what were you guys talking about?

- Fashion. - Fashion?

Does she know more about fashion than we do?

[ALL LAUGH]

Why are you trying to be friends with her?

- She's cool. - How is she cool?

- [GUESTS CHATTERING] - [CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING]

JIM: Jim Harrison says, "I never understood

the general acceptance of bad ham in America."

And I gotta agree. I mean, think about it.

When ham is really good,

I mean, why do we need any more, huh? What's the point?

It's so amazing

to go to an actual ham-bake

that, you know, dug a pit in the ground

and there was like 50 hams in there...

Pitchforks, they toss them around. Incredible.

But most of the time, it's just that watery ham bullshit.

MARISSA: Excuse me.

Can you bring the firewood in from the side of the house

- while you're out here? - Sure.

Also, stop smoking. It's disgusting.

WOMAN: Suzi, are you fucking kidding me? Why did you invite him?

- SUZI: Because. - That's not a reason.

- JIM: Look, he's family. - BIANCA: He's not family.

He grew up with us, now he's ruining our lives...

[BIANCA CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

[RAY CONNIFF'S "CHRISTMAS BRIDE" PLAYING]

♪ Santa, make her ♪

♪ My bride for Christmas ♪

♪ Santa, it wouldn't Cost very much ♪

♪ Just a sprinkle Of reindeer dust ♪

♪ A sprig of mistletoe ♪

♪ And the sound Of your laughter... ♪

- Hey. - Hey.

- Is that my football helmet? - Yeah.

I should have played in college.

- Hey. - Hi.

How's everything going?

[BELCHES]

Great.

Yeah?

Yeah.

What's great?

Peaky Blinders. It's pretty great.

Oh, okay.

Uh, what else? Besides Peaky Blinders.

That's about it.

- What are you doing? - What do you mean?

With your life. What are you doing?

What is this? Is this, like, an intervention?

Are you trying to have, like, a Christmas intervention on me?

Yes, this is a Christmas intervention.

Okay, well, thank you very much, but I don't want one.

What do you want?

Nothing.

You want me to be, like, happy?

And you wanna know that I'm okay and everything's okay?

I'm not okay.

You ever feel sorry for yourself?

- All the time. - Yeah, stop doing that.

Why did you invite me here? Your son hates me.

- Yeah, he should hate you. - I know. I'm a bad friend.

I'm like the shitty person.

Okay, so fix it.

How?

Stop being selfish.

What you did to him was selfish and he was destroyed by it.

So stop thinking about yourself and how sad your life is

and think about somebody else.

You know, it just might make you feel good.

- Okay. - Kyle is selfless.

He always thinks about other people first. He always has.

And people take advantage of that.

And now...

he's getting married, and I don't know.

What do you mean?

I mean, I don't know.

- About Marissa? - Mm, yeah.

I don't know.

I'm glad you're here.

Sometimes when you think you're doing the right thing,

it hurts the people you love.

Then sometimes when you think you're doing the wrong thing,

it's actually what's needed.

If you want to be a part of this family, then act like it.

[SIGHS]

[CHUCKLES]

SUZI: Might get well tonight.

JIM: What'd he do?

SUZI: What are you talking about?

JIM: Like for a job?

- KYLE: Hey, Mike. - MIKE: Hey, Kyle.

- Merry Christmas. - [SLURRING] Merry Christmas...

- Aah! Oh, my God! Mike. - SUZI: What happened?

- Mike. - Oh, my God. Dad!

Give him some room.

- DANI: Dad. - Let's get him over.

- Holy shit. - How much did he have to drink?

- BIANCA: I gave him one eggnog. - JIM: How strong was it?

GRANDMA: Is he dead?

- Yeah, pretty strong. - Give him some water.

JIM: He'll be all right. He's gonna be fine.

I've seen him take bigger hits than that.

- Just leave him. - Is that Mike?

Yeah.

He got fat.

- He looks bad. - Maybe he just lost his balance.

I don't know about that table.

I should really spend some more time with him.

- Should we pull him up? - Yeah, I guess we should...

Put him in a bed or something?

- I think he's fine right here. - No, no, no!

[NICOLE MARTIN'S "OUI PARAIT T'IL" PLAYING]

No, she quit.

Remember the blizzard of '96?

Yeah.

That was crazy.

So glad you made it out.

Yeah, man. Thanks for inviting me.

Are the boots supposed to hurt so much?

Yeah.

You know mountains that allow skiing and snowboarding?

Yeah, they're too crowded,

and the snowboarders push off all the snow.

Kyle's a snowboarder.

Yeah, well, he's skiing now.

It's fine. I'm learning how to ski, it's fine.

- Hey, we should do Catapult next. - Okay.

That's a black diamond. I don't think you're ready for that.

- Okay. - It's a hill. You just go down.

Yeah, but he's gonna crash.

It's snow. If he crashes, it's snow.

- I'd rather not crash. - Kyle, no one wants to crash.

- Sorry, what is your point? - We're here on the mountain

and we're going down the bunny slopes with all the children,

and, Kyle, you're a natural athlete.

- Thanks, man. - Yeah.

You can do any of these runs.

I mean, look at that cliff.

Okay, great. Um, Kyle, listen to me.

It's your choice, but I wouldn't do it.

Can we just do A Cat's Meow a couple more times?

- Yeah, cool. - Sweet.

I'm doing Catapult.

[BERNARD ESTARDY'S "MONSIEUR DUTOUR" PLAYING]

Oh.

MIKE: Drink.

- Drink. - KYLE: Okay. All right.

- But you already know that. - I know.

Okay, never have I ever had Lyme disease.

You have had Lyme disease though.

Yeah, but you haven't.

I know. That's not how this game works. Drink.

- KYLE: What? Again? - MIKE: Yeah.

Can we just try playing a different game?

- What? - Rock, Paper, Scissors.

Okay, so if I win, you have to drink.

Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.

Again. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.

- Drink! Ready? Rock, paper... - No, no, I'm done. I'm done.

Never have I ever been caught streaking.

What? We did that together.

- But I didn't get caught. - It was your idea. Okay.

I had to spend so much time with the school counselor

doing, like, morality training.

Everyone was like, "Why is Kyle's butt so small?"

It's disproportionate with your body.

Never have I ever been ice fishing.

I've never been ice fishing. I want to.

Never have I ever been allergic to peanut butter.

Now you're just listing allergies you know I have.

Drink.

Okay, uh, what are you allergic to?

I'm not gonna tell you.

- What are you guys doing? - Jagermeister.

- Why? - Because it's a ski trip

and it has alcohol in it.

- Wait, where's the cheese? - What cheese?

The cheese that I... The large block of cheese

that I just brought out.

- Was I not supposed to eat it? - No, it was for the bread.

- What bread? - The bread that I'm making.

- Thanks, babe. - Okay, never have I ever

been questioned about how I was touching a dog.

- That never happened. - I'm not saying

you inappropriately touched a dog.

Never have I ever been questioned,

"What are you doing with that dog?"

Okay.

[LAUGHS]

You just keep asking me things you know the answers to already.

- Yeah, I know. That's the point. - Okay.

All right, well, then, uh, never have I ever

warmed up chicken cutlets to masturbate.

- There you go. - Oh! See? It's, like...

super simple if you just understand...

Are you playing Never Have I Ever

- with two people right now? - Yeah, we're catching up.

- Do you wanna play? - No. I just want to relax

and have a glass of wine like an adult.

If you do wine and Jagermeister together,

- it's a whole experience. - I won't.

- Oh, this looks good, babe. - Thanks.

Okay, I got one.

Never have I ever given a hand job after junior prom

at John Nicola's party, heh-heh-heh-heh, to, uh...

- Kevin. - You bitch.

...Kevin Farrell. Ha-ha-ha!

Never did I ever give a hand job

to Kevin Farrell after junior prom. Drink. Drink.

Kyle, will you help me with the kitchen?

Okay.

Never have I ever been asked to help with the kitchen.

Okay, Mike.

Mm. All right.

Ow!

[DISHES CLATTERING]

Really?

I'm sorry about...

[SIGHS]

- Oh, my God! - I just took it out of the oven.

- It's so hot. - Put your...

Why would it be so hot?

Why is he still here?

He was only supposed to stay for the day.

- But he broke his wrist. - Yeah, I'm aware.

We were in the hospital for four hours.

He has a car. He'll leave.

Yeah, but he's on painkillers and now he's drunk, so...

- Yeah, you're drinking with him. - Yeah, so?

I just want to be drunk with you

and, like, be naked

in every room and, like, have sex everywhere.

Okay.

Look, he's... He's gotta go.

Yeah, he's gonna go tomorrow, so...

No, no, no, no. I mean, like, he's gotta go away.

Like, somewhere else that's...

like, not in our lives.

But he's my friend.

[SIGHS]

I know.

You're the best.

But I can't do this.

MIKE: Hey, you guys have any more wine?

Uh, you finished that guy?

- I did, yeah. - That's impressive.

- Thank you. - Uh, yeah. We do have more wine.

It's in the fridge. You just help yourself.

That's mine.

You have a...

Kyle, I'm gonna go to bed.

- KYLE: Okay. - MIKE: Good night!

Twist top. Sweet.

Wow. Whole thing?

Yeah.

Why do you have to be like this?

Like what?

- A fuckup. - Oh, fuck! It's hot.

[GROANING]

All right, listen, I'm going to bed.

Uh, the pillow and blanket are behind the couch, so...

Wait, wait, Kyle, Kyle. Where are you going?

Going to bed.

- But it's New Year's Eve. - Yeah, I'm aware.

- So are you gonna have sex? - That's none of your business.

But it's almost midnight.

So if you're not gonna have sex,

we should bang pots and pans.

- Going to bed. - It's a tradition.

If you're not gonna bang with her,

we should bang pots and pans.

I'm going to bed, Mike. Happy New Year.

Happy New Year.

Wait, wait. Wait, Kyle. Kyle?

Yeah?

Hey, man.

I just wanna say, like, um... Like, thank you.

You know, for, um, having me here.

And, uh...

You know, for being, like, friends again.

- You're welcome. - Yeah.

I'm trying to be less selfish. You know?

Right. Yeah.

And, like, think about others before myself.

Um, and I think about you a lot.

You know, and... And it's like...

I know you guys are engaged

and you're gonna get married and everything.

Um, but, you know, I don't know.

What does that mean?

I... I don't know.

I just, like, wanna fix things with us, you know?

And, um...

Sometimes when you're trying to do the right thing,

it's the wrong thing. Do you know what I mean?

No.

Okay. Yeah.

- Right. Okay. - Okay.

- Well, good night. - Good night.

Never have I ever been named Kyle.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[BELCHES]

[FANTASTICUS' "RUNNING OFF THE ROAD" PLAYING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

[TOOTHBRUSH SCRUBBING]

[MARISSA SPITS]

[WATER RUNNING]

[WATER SHUTS OFF]

Kyle.

Kyle. Kyle.

Kyle, wake up.

Kyle, wake up. Kyle.

Kyle, wake up, you bitch.

Wake up, I wanna do butt stuff. Kyle.

[MARISSA SIGHS]

[SUCKS TEETH]

[WHISPERS] Fuck.

[SIGHS]

[POTS BANGING]

MIKE [YELLING]: Happy New Year!

MIKE: That's when I realized he's my best friend.

- Wow. - Yeah.

Why are you marrying him?

[COUGHING]

Um, well, because, um...

he is loyal and he's a good person.

And he's, uh... will always be there, and...

I don't know. And the sex is great.

I don't know. Why did you marry your wife?

Because I loved her.

[♪♪♪]

How's your brother Ronnie doing?

- He's good. He's better. - Yeah?

Mm-hm.

Is he still dealing drugs?

No, I don't think so.

They weren't drugs. It was painkillers.

[CHUCKLES]

He was so much fun in high school.

Heh. Yeah.

Yeah. You were fun in high school too though.

- Was I? - Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, there were things about you,

you know, that were fun, like when you...

weren't being yourself.

[LAUGHING]

- I'm just kidding. - Fuck you.

I know. No, I just feel like...

I feel like we had, like, a connection, you know? At...

At one time or another.

- You think so? All right. - Yeah. Yeah.

Like, we're both like these...

very primal creatures, you know?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Fuck! What?

[WHISPERING] What the fuck?

What the fuck was that?

[NORMAL VOICE] What the fuck was that? Hey. Hey.

Hey, what the fuck was that?

What did you do...? Why did you do that?

Look at me. Did you want to kiss me?

No.

[WHISPERS] Fuck you.

So, what did you think was gonna happen?

Did you...? Like, you would seduce me

and we would fuck and then...?

And then Kyle would just call off the wedding?

Is that what you thought?

Yeah, like, hopefully.

You dumb fuck.

[SCOFFS]

Because you know what? If we did have sex,

he wouldn't break up with me.

He would break up with you.

- You wanna fuck me? Go ahead. - No.

- No. No! - Go ahead, big guy.

- No! - Fucking kiss me.

- Fuck me. - I don't want to.

Fuck you!

Follow through with your master plan, you sick fuck!

- Fuck is wrong with you? - Ow!

- Fuck! - Does that hurt?

You are just dead weight from his childhood

that he's too fucking nice to...

Fuck off of me!

You fat, sad, pathetic fuck! Fuck!

[BOTH YELL]

[GILBERT BECAUD'S "TOO GOOD" PLAYING]

♪ Too good ♪

♪ This is too good ♪

♪ Too good to last ♪

♪ It can't go on... ♪

[ENGINE SHUTS OFF]

KYLE: What the fuck? What the fuck?

[ALL GRUNTING]

You fuckers. What the fuck are you doing?

Get the fuck off me!

Get the fuck off of me! You son of a...

[KYLE GASPING]

- Shit, my phone. - Unh!

[KYLE GROANING]

Come on.

Come on.

Thank you very much! All right.

KYLE: Fuck!

Come on.

KYLE: Fuck! Help! Help!

Somebody help! Hey! Help!

[BANGING ON TRUNK]

Help me! Help! Aah!

[KYLE YELLS]

Right here.

[KYLE GROANING]

KYLE: Can we just take a break? Can we take a break?

[ALL PANTING]

Guys.

Please. Please, guys.

- [RASPY VOICE] Shut the fuck up. - Okay. But please, listen.

- I don't know what's going on... - I said, shut up.

[RASPY VOICE] Shut up.

What are you doing?

- What? - Why are you doing that voice?

To disguise my voice.

Yeah, but I'm doing that voice,

so pick another voice.

- It's just the Batman voice. - Then stop doing it.

I don't have another voice.

[NASAL VOICE] Do a voice like this. Do this.

That's perfect. You do that, I'll do this one.

[RASPY VOICE] No. I'm doing the Bat...

I'm doing the one I just showed you, I practiced it.

- You do the one that I just did. - I can't do that one.

You're not even trying. Fine.

[NASAL VOICE] I'll do this voice,

- This was why I wanted to prac... - Mike?

- Mike? - [RASPY VOICE] No.

It's you!

Ha-ha! Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh.

[REGULAR VOICE] Goddamn it, Ronnie!

- This is awesome. Hey, Ronnie. - [REGULAR VOICE] Hey.

- Stop laughing. - That's why I wanted guns.

It's so much scarier with the guns.

This is great, guys.

- It's fucking ruined. Ruined. - Wow.

No, it's not. It's great. Just keep going.

I'll go along with it. Keep going.

- Are you ready to die? - No, Mike. Do it in the voice.

You gotta do it in the Batman voice.

- Okay. - Go, go, go.

- [RASPY VOICE] You ready to die? - No.

Then I'll say, "Are you ready to get fucked up?"

No, don't fuck me up, man.

Then I was gonna be like,

"Are you ready for the best bachelor party of your life?"

Yes!

Yes!

This is awesome.

Can you untie me though? You guys did a really good job.

[RONNIE SNORTING]

What is that?

We're ice fishing, man. I gotta make this fun somehow.

No, I'm okay. Come on.

[COUGHS]

I wanna say thanks for setting this up.

I've always wanted to go ice fishing.

Talk to him. He planned the whole thing.

I... I wanted to take you to AC.

Still do the whole, uh, kidnapping thing,

but when we took the hood off, have it be at the strip club.

It's not a bachelor party without a stripper.

I don't need a stripper, Uncle Mark.

Kyle, it's not a bachelor party without a stripper.

Okay, I gotta go pee. Here.

[DOOR CREAKING]

- He's a really good guy. - Yeah.

The best.

It's too bad he's marrying my sister.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I like her...

You know, I love her, obviously.

But, uh, yeah, it's too bad he's marrying my sister.

Yeah.

He's a good guy.

Oh, no, I'm okay. Yeah.

- Hey, can you hold this? - MARK: What's my name? Skip?

- RONNIE: Oh, yeah, man. - MARK: I want some cocaine.

RONNIE: No, no. That's not coke.

- STRIPPER: Hey! - MIKE: Hi.

I'm looking for a bachelor party?

Oh, yeah. It's right in there.

- Oh, thanks. - Yeah.

Mike.

- Thanks for doing this. - No problem.

RONNIE: Let's see them titties, girl!

Listen...

I've been thinking a lot about it,

with the wedding coming up.

I don't have many friends who know me, you know?

And I gotta pick a best man.

- So I was thinking... - I slept with Marissa.

Kyle, did you hear me?

Yeah.

[WIND WHISTLING]

I know this probably means the end of the our friendship again.

Uh-huh.

And you'll probably have to call off the wedding.

- I know it hurts right now, but... - Mike, shut the fuck up!

Just shut up, okay?

She told me what happened.

She said you were drunk, you made a sloppy move,

and she called you fat and pathetic.

- That's not what happened. - I don't care what happened.

If you love someone, you should care what happened.

Yeah, well, I don't!

I'm done caring.

I just want someone who wants to be with me.

And to start a family and be happy.

You should still break up with her.

You're a fucking idiot.

You don't think I know what you're doing?

I know you don't like her. My mom and sisters don't.

- Nobody likes her! - Nobody likes you, Mike!

I am the only one who likes you.

And I don't know why because you're fucking toxic.

You're loud and obnoxious, and you're an asshole!

I know I'm an asshole.

And I know no one likes me. I don't like me!

Okay?

Man, I'm not a happy person anymore.

And that's okay.

You know, but you're Kyle. You're the best person I know.

You make people around you happier

just by being yourself.

And I'm sorry if what I did killed a little bit of that.

But she's not right for you.

And I'm not saying that because I don't like her.

Which I don't at all.

She's not right because she doesn't want you

the way you are. She wants some other version of you

that fits what she's looking for, but fuck that!

That's not what love's about.

It's difficult and it's complicated.

And it's painful.

And it doesn't go away.

Man, she's not good enough for you.

And I'm not good enough for you.

If I really cared about you, I'd just leave you alone.

[KYLE YELLS]

- Kyle? Kyle? - Help!

- Holy shit! Kyle! - Help me!

- Help! Help! - Hold on!

Kyle!

[MUFFLED YELLING]

[MIKE YELLS]

[YELLS]

Kyle! Holy shit.

Kyle! Kyle!

Kyle!

- Oh, my God. - Oh, God.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Holy shit. Okay.

Oh, my God. Are you okay?

You're okay.

Fuck.

Holy shit.

[KYLE MUMBLES]

Oh, God. Oh... Oh.

Hey, how much of that did you hear?

What I was saying?

[VIOLIN PLAYING TRADITIONAL FOLK TUNE]

[ACCORDION & GUITAR START PLAYING FOLK TUNE]

[SINGING IN RUSSIAN] The night is so bright, full of stars and moonlight

In this light you can gather the needles

Come to me, darling, despite all your tiredness

Show me yourself for few minutes

MIKE: Hey, Kyle. It's, uh, Mike.

Um, I'm not sure if you've been getting any of my messages.

But I was gonna see a movie later.

Maybe tonight.

Or now, if you wanted to come. Uh...

I could also go tomorrow if you're free,

but today's my birthday, so I figured I would do that.

So, yeah. Um, call me back, man. All right, bye.

[PHONE BEEPS]

[LINE RINGING]

- MARISSA [OVER PHONE]: Hello? - Hey, Marissa. It's Mike.

Are you with Kyle?

I've been trying to get ahold of him and I...

Hello?

Hello?

- [SIGHS] - [HORN HONKS]

DRIVER: Get out of the road!

Fucking asshole.

[♪♪♪]

Hey, can I get one ticket?

Sure. For which movie?

Uh, the one that's playing now, I guess.

Okay. That'll be 7.50.

Do you guys still have that thing

where it's free on your birthday?

- Yeah. - Uh, it's my birthday.

- Can I see your license? - Yeah.

No, actually. I... I don't have a license at the moment.

It's a whole thing. Um...

We need some kind of ID for the birthday special. Sorry.

I've... I mean, I've got...

I got, like, that.

- I don't know if I can take this. - It's a Social Security card.

Yeah, but it's not a valid form of ID.

It's the most valid form of ID.

It doesn't have your picture on it.

[MAN SPEAKING IN FRENCH IN MOVIE]

[ORGAN PLAYING "AVE MARIA"]

PRIEST: Please join us in prayer.

Be attentive to our prayers, O Lord.

And in your kindness, pour out your grace

on these, your servants, Kyle and Marissa,

that coming together before your altar,

they may be confirmed in love for one another

through Christ, our Lord, amen.

ALL: Amen.

PRIEST: Thank you for joining us

in this joyous celebration.

Now the groom's sisters, Bianca and Dana,

will read from the book of Ephesians.

I'm actually gonna read from Revelation.

Chapter 2, verse 10.

"Fear none of those things which thou shalt suffer.

Behold, the devil shall cast some of you into prison

that you may be tried.

And ye shall have tribulation 10 days.

Be thou faithful unto death

and I will give thee a crown of life."

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY OVER HEADPHONES]

A reading from Ephesians.

"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands

as unto the Lord.

For the husband is head of the wife,

even as Christ is head of the church.

And he is the savior of the body."

Thank you, Your Honor.

PRIEST: Through Christ, our Lord, amen.

ALL: Amen.

PRIEST: Please join us in prayer.

[FRANZ SCHUBERT'S "AVE MARIA" PLAYING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

- [BRAKES SQUEAL] - [DULL THUD]

[ISABELLE PIERRE'S "LES ENFANTS DE L'AVENIR" PLAYING]

[CLAPS]

Let's go.

...assume the responsibilities of married life.

- Oh, this is gonna be good. - And in this church.

I object.

PRIEST: Excuse me, sir. There's no objection in this ceremony.

I'm sorry, Father. He's my best friend.

PRIEST: Sir, get out of my church!

SUZI: Wait a second, let him speak.

- JIM: Oh, boy. - Don't marry her, Kyle.

No! No, no, no!

No, no, no, no!

[GUESTS GASPING]

- Let me go, Ronnie! - Hey.

- It's okay. - Hey, hey, hey.

- Oh, your veil. - This is my wedding!

- Are you all right? - Yeah.

Sometimes you get knocked down,

you gotta get right back in there.

- Fuck is he doing wearing white? - KYLE: Mike!

Kyle.

What are you doing, man?

You deserve to be with someone who loves you...

for who you are.

This beautiful man.

You're a beautiful man.

And I love you.

And so does everyone here.

Or at least the people on this side.

[SNIFFS]

I just don't think she loves you.

Kyle. I love you.

Maybe, but you definitely don't love her...

Mike, shut up.

Wait.

- Do you love me? - Yes.

Why do you love me?

Because...

Because you're driven

and because you always get what you want.

And you never listen when people say no.

You're always pushing me to do things

that I don't wanna do and constantly change...

That...? That's why?

Do you really think that this is my master plan?

That I wanted to get married to the guy

that I broke up with after high school?

Because it's not.

But I don't know what I want and I don't know what I need,

but I do know that I love you.

And I didn't expect to, but I do.

You didn't let me finish.

I was trying to say that all those things...

that's what I need.

I love that you push me

because it makes me change and otherwise I'd stay the same.

And I don't wanna stay the same.

And you're so funny and beautiful.

I love you.

I love you too.

Hey, can I just say...?

- No. - Mike.

- Because I had a whole... - I'm pregnant.

We're getting married.

[GUESTS GASP, MURMURING]

Oh, my God.

A baby?

Just go.

JIM: Oh, Grandma Suzi.

- That was awesome. - Thanks.

WOMAN: I knew she was pregnant.

PRIEST: I think we need to take a moment...

MARISSA: No, no, no. We're good. We're ready.

Matrimony demands full consent from both parties.

We consent. Kyle, do you consent?

- I do. - Great.

I'm going to insist

that we hold off on this

until you both have had a chance

to think about this incredible decision

you're going to make.

- MARISSA: Are you serious? - Oh, I am serious.

Fifty-one percent of marriages end in divorce,

and pregnancy can create undue pressure.

I encourage both of you to consider

the magnitude of this decision

so you may return here without coercion,

freely and wholeheartedly.

When?

After the child's born.

What the fuck?

I'm sorry, Father.

Shit.

[JACQUELINE TAIEB'S "LA PLUS BELLE CHANSON" PLAYING]

[STARTER PISTOL FIRES]

Hey, Mike. You know how much longer it's gonna be?

MIKE: I'm repairing a bike, Gary. This isn't McDonald's.

Word.

Where have you been riding this thing? It's all corroded.

It looks like it's been in the ocean.

You know, mostly I take it on the bike path.

But, yeah, I've been going down to the beach lately.

Um, trying to meet people since my mom passed and...

You know, it's a talk thing.

Like, people bring their dogs and you talk about the dog.

- Hey. - You're like, "Look at my bike.

Is that pink? That's good exercise..."

Gary, I have a customer.

Yeah, sure.

Uh, what do you want?

Can I get a cappuccino?

Sure.

[COFFEE GRINDER WHIRS]

Are you looking to buy a bike?

Nope.

[ESPRESSO MACHINE WHIRRING]

[STEAMER HISSING]

He misses you.

- I'm sorry, what? - He misses you.

[STEAMER HISSING]

- Thank you. - Sure.

- How much do I owe you? - It's on me.

- You sure? - Yeah.

Hey, if you're handing out free 'puccinos, I'll take one.

You know if your...? Is your bathroom working?

Gary, please go outside.

- Okay. Yeah, no problem, man. - Out.

MIKE: Why are you here?

- Hey. - MARISSA: Wanted to talk to you.

Um...

If I were you...

[MARISSA CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

[MIKE MAKING GIBBERISH NOISES]

[GROWLING PLAYFULLY]

[HUMS, EXCLAIMS]

You want a cowboy?

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

Boo!

[LAUGHS]

You're so cute.

You want this?

[COOING]

I know. That's what I was saying.

Oh, saying, "Goo-goo, ga-ga."

[CHUCKLES]

- Hey, trade? - Yeah.

Yeah!

[MARISSA GROANS PLAYFULLY]

- Here's the cactus. - Thank you. Cactus.

Oh, shit. I forgot my, um, card in there.

- Can you grab it for me? - Sure.

Yeah.

♪ I've got to move along... ♪

[GILBERT BECAUD'S "WHAT NOW MY LOVE" PLAYING]

♪ What now, my love ♪

♪ Now that you left me? ♪

♪ How can I live ♪

♪ Through another day? ♪

♪ Watching my dreams ♪

♪ Turning to... ♪

OTIS: "People are not lazy.

They simply have impotent goals."

What does "impotent" mean?

MARISSA: It means that you can't, like, um...

That you have trouble doing something, you know?

"A real decision is measured by the fact

that you've taken a new action

and that there's no action you haven't truly decided."

Hey, baby, did you finish your homework?

- No, not yet. - Okay, well, maybe what we can do

is finish your homework

and then we can get back to reading Tony Robbins, okay?

- OTIS: Okay. - MARISSA: Okay.

Do you want one pancake or two?

- One pancake or two? - One.

MARISSA: One.

Okay.

Just one for you.

Four for me.

[DISHES SHATTER]

Oh, Jesus Christ.

- Mom! - Sorry.

- MIKE: Sorry. - KYLE: Okay.

- MIKE: Sorry. - KYLE: All right.

MIKE: Sorry.

This one didn't break.

Great.

I'll get it. I'll clean it up.

- I'll get some glue or something. - All right.

[PANCAKES SIZZLING]

Hey, uh, what did we say about the glasses?

We said that I get the glassware and you get the plates.

- Is that cool? - Yeah.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[COUGHS]

Um...

[CAR HORN HONKING]

MAN: Hey, you gotta move your truck, man.

MIKE: Okay, hold on. Yeah, give me a second.

[HORN HONKING]

Hey, stop beeping your fucking horn!

- You need to move your truck. - MIKE: Go around!

Don't you move this car.

[HONKING]

I said, stop beeping your fucking horn!

- Move your truck! - Fuck you!

[DRIVING HOLDING DOWN HORN]

Hey, buddy! There's no chance in fucking hell

I'm moving this truck now!

Hey! Stop beeping your fucking horn!

Really? Really? Come on, motherfucker.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Come on!

- Come on! - No, no. Look, I'm fucking sorry.

I'm sorry! I'm sorry.

You fuck! Move the fucking truck!

Asshole!

- You got something to say? - Nothing, no.

- You wanna say something? - Nothing. I got nothing.

Fucking motherfucker.

[TRUCK ENGINE STARTS]

MIKE: Kyle, I'll be right back!

Okay!

MARISSA: What's going on?

- Driving school. - Oh, Jesus.

Sorry. Mike broke a plate.

Okay.

It's a great house.

Yeah.

[LIGHTER CLICKS]

Um, listen, I'm gonna talk to Otis's teacher

- about the whole math thing. - Oh, yeah. Thank you.

I e-mailed her, but it will be good if you talk to her

because, you know, she likes you better.

[HORN HONKS]

Sorry. The horn's like...

Let's go.

[♪♪♪]

I'll see you.

Hey, Mike, can you...? I got it, I got it.

Can you just hold on to these?

Mike, the car. Mike, the car!

MIKE: Sorry.

You gotta put the brake on, man.

Whoa!

[MIKE LAUGHS]

Bye.

MIKE: Why do you still have tapes?

OTIS: Dad!

- Careful! - Dad, wait for me!

Dad, wait!

Dad!

[BRAKES SQUEAL]

[BACK-UP SIGNAL BEEPING]

- Hey. - Dad, why didn't you wait for me?

The house is, like, three houses down.

You're okay. Don't worry.

You got some chocolate on your face.

I read that 70 percent of long-term prison inmates

are a product of divorce.

- That's not funny. - I agree.

It's not funny at all. It's tragic.

- How you doing? - OTIS: Good.

Good.

You're riding great.

Training wheels are slowing him down. You know that, right?

He needs them.

He wouldn't need them if you taught him how to ride.

Mike, we talked about this. You don't get a say.

I'm not trying to get a say. I'm just saying

that he's a natural athlete and...

Listen, I already made a decision. It's his choice.

Hey, Otis. Wanna take those training wheels off

and ride a bike like an actual person?

Yeah.

Okay, fine.

- You want to? - Yeah.

All right. Here we go. Let's pull over.

Here you go. Oh! Stop, stop, stop.

Yeah, there you go. Okay.

Fuck. Goddamn it.

Dad!

Sorry.

- You want some help with this? - No, I got it.

God!

- Kyle, I have a tool. - No, I got it.

All right.

Okay, Otis.

All right, so riding a bike

is just like riding a bike with training wheels, okay?

You just look straight ahead, don't look down.

And if you get freaked out,

just put your feet down and stop, okay?

- Okay. - All right.

Go ahead and get on. And don't be scared, okay?

- I'm not scared. - Okay.

I'm just saying, if you are scared, that's okay.

- I'm not. - Okay.

Hey, Otis, when you crash, just get back on the bike, you know?

- Really? - Yeah. He's gonna crash

so he should know what to do when that happens.

- Why put that in his head? - I'm not. I'm just telling him

so he has an understanding... He's riding.

- Otis! Otis, keep pedaling! - Oh, shit.

Oh, my God.

Otis, are you hurt? Are you okay?

- Yeah. - Which one?

- I'm okay. - Okay.

Okay. Now, listen, man.

Sometimes in life, we fall down and it hurts, okay?

But that's when it's important to get back on and ride.

I know. Uncle Mike just said that.

- Hey, Otis, want some Orangina? - No, I'm good.

- Okay. - Just take it easy, okay?

Just take a moment.

God, this is so stressful.

He's fine, I'm telling you. He's going again.

Oh, shit. Okay.

- He's going! - You're doing great!

Keep pedaling!

- You're doing great, Otis! - Oh, my gosh. He is doing great.

- Shit, he's going really fast. - He's going really fast. Wow.

[BOTH GRUNT]

- Great work, Otis. - Great work. Wow!

Wow!

MIKE: He's got a great cadence, you know?

Yeah.

- Takes after... - Mike, stop.

I'm just saying, he's a natural athlete.

That has to be genetic.

Just keep pedaling. Stay to this side

so Mom doesn't get mad at me.

There you go.

Look at you!

Look at you! This is amazing.

Oh, yeah.

[ALL EXCLAIMING, LAUGHING]

- OTIS: I could do a high five. - High-fiving Mike?

That was a close one! No high-fiving.

- Let's go. Keep going. - Go, we gotta push it!

Out of the saddle! Out of the saddle!

- Push! Mush, mush, mush! - OTIS: I got it.

♪ With your eyes You smile hello ♪

♪ Gracias a dios ♪

♪ I could feel My heart explode ♪

♪ Gracias a dios ♪

♪ Then you took my hand And soon ♪

♪ Stars were shining In the afternoon ♪

♪ Gracias a dios Gracias a dios ♪

♪ Gracias a dios ♪

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

♪ Now I'll never be alone ♪

- ♪ Gracias a dios ♪ - ♪ Gracias a dios ♪

♪ I have you To call my own ♪

- ♪ Gracias a dios ♪ - ♪ Gracias a dios ♪

♪ And I thank the lord above ♪

♪ For the miracle Of your love ♪

♪ Gracias a dios Gracias a dios ♪

♪ Gracias a dios ♪

♪ Yes, I thank the lord above ♪

♪ For the miracle Of your love ♪

♪ Gracias a dios Gracias a dios ♪

♪ Gracias a dios ♪

[ISABELLE PIERRE'S "LES ENFANTS DE L'AVENIR" PLAYS]