Original subtitles

# Stick a pony in me pocket

# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van

# "Cause if you want the best "uns

# But you don't ask questions

Then, brother, I'm your man

# "Cause where it all comes from is a mystery

# It's like the changing of the seasons and the tides of the sea

# But here's the one that's driving me berserk

# why do only fools and horses work?

# La-lala-lala

# La-lala-lala

# La-la la-la la la... #

(MUSIC: "MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY" BY SLADE)

# Look to the future now

# It's only just begun

# So here it is, Merry Christmas

# Everybody's having fun

# Look to the future now

# It's only just begun

# So here it is, Merry Christmas

# Everybody's having fun

# Look to the future now... #

(CHILLING MUSIC PLAYS)

oh!

Oh, God. Not another day.

(RADIO) # So here it is, Merry Christmas... #

— What time is it? - Time for us to emigrate.

— Or at least discuss a suicide pact. — How are we feeling this morning?

Great. How else could I feel? I'm 31 and I work for Trotter's Independent Traders.

Some people would love to be in your position.

I know. They're all tucked up safe and sound in their padded cells!

You seem a bit more cheerful than yesterday.

You should come to Trotter Towers with me one morning. It'd give Terry Waite the shakes.

You can't move for teething rings, Farley rusks and funny smells.

It's like Nightmare on Sesame Street.

Raquel's got post-natal depression, Albert's got post—naval depression

and Damien chucks toys at my head.

- You big baby. They're only fluffy dolls. - I know.

Del's bought him a Tonka toy for Christmas.

— How is Del now? - He's still putting a brave face on it.

Laughing and joking all the time. He's worrying the life out of me.

We haven't bought or sold a thing in months

and he's running round like Ken Dodd on Ecstasy!

Maybe it's just the recession. We're broke and he won't admit it.

— A lot of people are in the same boat. - You're all right.

— What does that mean? - You've got your promotion.

I'm in charge of small-business investment at Peckham. It's hardly the House of Elliot!

At least you've done something. I'm just me.

You'll do for me, big boy.

- I'd better make the coffee. - No. Stay here a while.

- You know what I'd like to do? - No.

I'd like us to go away for a weekend. Somewhere really nice. Just the two of us.

I know we can't afford it now, but I get a bonus soon. Maybe then, eh?

Yeah.

I'm sorry, Cass. I've been feeling down, a bit pressurised.

That's why I've been a bit lacking in certain areas recently.

I understand. That's why I want us to go away — so you can relax.

- Is that nice? — Really good.

~ (PHONE RINGS) — Don't answer it. It's Del. That's his ring.

— It's seven in the morning! — That don't matter to Del.

— Sleep's for wimps, remember? - It could be Mummy. She might be ilL

— Still don't answer it. - Don't be ridiculous!

Hello? Morning, Del

- I left five minutes ago. - No. He left five minutes ago.

Mmm. Yeah. Well, I know he's your brother.

I know Rodney's worried about you as well.

Look, it happens to a lot of men when they're under stress!

- I don't believe him! — Well, aren't you the lucky one?!

Have I got a what? No! And I wouldn't know where to get one!

Tell him to mind his own bloody...!

Roddy's just popped back. No, he's left again.

Yeah. All right. Thanks, Del. Bonjour... Bye.

Toast and marmalade?

(SNORING)

Rodney, any tea in the pot?

— Yeah. Plenty. - Thank you.

There you are, darling.

(RADIO PLAYS: "CROCODILE ROCK" BY ELTON JOHN)

— Is that the radio? - No. Elton John's popped in. He's in the kitchen.

— Any tea in the pot, Rodney? - No, it's empty.

Call that music? It's a bloody racket. That's all you youngsters are interested in. Noise!

— Didn't your generation ever enjoy itself? — When I was your age, I was fighting in a war!

You must have made more bloody noise than me, then!

— Oh, gawd! ~ (RADIO OFF)

Hello, soldier! How are you? You're a little cracker, aren't you?

I can't imagine this flat without Damien, can you?

No. Little devil

- You all right, Rodney? - Yeah. Fine.

- No. I mean, you "all right"? - Yes! Everything's all right.

- All right, then. — What's wrong?

Nothing, sweetheart. Everything is cushty between Rodders and Cassandra.

Just a bit of stress. It can happen to any man.

I just happen to be a bit lucky. Do us a bit of breakfast, sweetheart.

Don't you think I've got enough to do?

The baby to feed, the old man of the sea moaning 'cause his egg was runny,

beds to make, hoovering, washing, ironing and I finish in time to cook dinner.

Do it yourself, Trotter! Albert, you can feed the baby.

I don't know what's the matter with her.

I keep asking her but she won't tell me.

Come on. I don't know.

What more does she want?

She's got a nice home, lovely little baby. Couldn't ask for a better bloke than me.

Is she happy? No, she is not. I don't know, Rodney.

I'm down that casino every night till the early hours trying to win us some money.

If she knew how much I owed them, she'd realise how hard I've been trying!

Doesn't seem to be happy these days.

Maybe it's "these days" that are the problem.

There's nothing for her to look forward to.

Just a daily round of washing, ironing and boredom.

You've got to take the rough with the smooth.

It'll get rougher before the end of the year.

Let's have this out in the open. I want the truth.

— Something's going on. I've a right to know what. — Everything's all right, Rodney.

We got no money and our future is about as bright as a Yugoslavian tour operator's!

— But everything's cushty. — There's something else, Del.

You've lost that zip. The old Derek Trotter could smell a fiver in a force—nine gale.

They used to say if Del fell into a viper's pit, he'd come up wearing snakeskin shoes.

You seem to have lost something. It's like you're carrying a burden.

Maybe that's affecting Raquel. It's affecting me.

- I ain't taking the blame for that thing! - Will you shut up?

If you don't tell me what's going on, I'm gonna...

I don't know what I'm gonna do, but I should know.

You're right, Rodney. I can't keep anything from you, can I?

Do you remember I applied to the council to buy this flat?

What with the local council elections, it got put to one side and I forgot about it.

That was until a few days ago. Out of the blue, all my paperwork has come through.

I own this flat.

oh, bloody "ell.

I've worked it out. The mortgage is two and a half times the rent

and I can't afford the rent!

— That's what's upset Raquel? - No. I haven't told her yet.

— And we also get Grandad's old allotment. - Not that?

Yeah, that. What do I want with an allotment? No one's been near it for yonks.

More people have walked on the moon than they have on that allotment!

Honestly, an allotment. It makes you sick, don't it?

I feel like a mosquito who's caught malaria.

Del...

Little sod threw his breakfast all over me.

What a surprise. Come here.

- I'll feed him. — Raquel's taken him to have a nap.

— Puts you right off. — Nothing worse than Weetabix in a beard.

Sauce?

It's all going right down the tubes. I've got to get some money.

It's getting on top of me, bruv. I'm cracking up. Thanks, bruv.

Come and have a sit down and listen to me.

There was this bloke I used to know at evening school. He reminded me of you.

He was a really bright, dynamic, go—ahead bloke.

But in other ways he reminded me of you.

He was the kind who'd take a gamble, live on the edge.

Anyway, he found what you're always looking for — a gap in the market.

— A gap in the warehouse door'd suit me! — Myles, his name was.

—- Myles? - Yeah. Bit of a Friend of the Earth.

— Liked natural food. Grew his own vegetables. - He certainly sounds the dynamic sort.

Don't knock it. It's a massive market.

More and more people are turning to health food for...their health.

Myles noticed that if he wanted to buy a bag of natural fertiliser,

he had to go to a specialist garden centre.

But if he wanted some organic vegetables, he had to go to a health food shop.

So he had the idea of combining the two entities.

One centre where you can buy natural fertiliser and health food.

He now owns four and he's opening a new one in Maidenhead.

Maidenhead?

In two and a half years he has become a millionaire.

— Millionaire? — At least.

— And? — And what?

Well, what's in it for us?

Oh! Me and Cassy go shopping there sometimes.

No. I'm not talking about that. I'm just saying...where do we come in?

Nowhere.

What did you tell me for, then?

To point out that even in a recession, some people are doing well

So it was just a nice little story, was it?

That's like the parable of the lucky git.

That's cheered me right up! I've got to go and tell Raquel this one.

Raquel, come and listen to Rodney's story about some mush who's doing really well!

He's made a couple of million, apparently. It's warmed the cockles of my heart!

I'm just going to punch Rodney on the nose and then I'm off out!

— Oh, dear! - I wish I'd kept my mouth shut.

Where are you going today, darling?

I don't know. Mooch about, make us a bit of poppy.

I've got a much better idea. Why don't you go down and sort out your allotment?

This arrived from the council

- It's a summons. - A summons?

People have been dumping rubbish on your allotment.

It's now an environmental health hazard.

You've got two weeks to clear it up or go to court.

— They mention a possible custodial sentence. - There's a thing.

Are you going to tell me what the hell's happening?

You've spoiled the moment now.

— I was going to tell you tonight. — What?

- I'll tell you tonight. - Now!

— It's about the flat. — what about it?

It's ours. I've bought it.

— Oh, good! - I'll get some champagne to celebrate.

Not for me. I feel light-headed already.

It's ours. We can do what we like with it.

Like what? Add a conservatory or a nice patio?

— At least we've got a roof over our heads. — And 1% other families!

I'm going to change the baby's nappy.

(DOOR SLAMS)

- I think she's really excited about it. - Who wouldn't be?

Yeah.

I'll go and calm her down a bit.

You all right, sweetheart? All right, Raquel.

I don't blame you for having the rats. It's enough to give Harry Secombe the hump.

But I'll soon have some cash on the hip.

- You think this is about money? — What is it about?

God! I haven't been out of this flat for months.

- You go shopping three times a week. — Not shopping. I mean going out.

And last year I decorated our baby's room.

— Blinding job you made of it. — Thank you. You got some carpet.

— It didn't fit, but... - I'm on the lookout.

And our baby had his own room — warm, cosy, safe.

Then three months ago you moved Damien in with us and filled his room with junk!

That is not junk, Raquel. That is my stock.

— Same thing. — Raquel, you don't seem to understand.

Someone broke into the garage and nicked half my junk...stock.

That's why I brought the rest up here.

Del, hasn't it dawned on you yet?

All you have in that room is what the thieves left behind.

How the hell do you hope to sell it when burglars wouldn't take it for free?!

150 Bros LPs.

Fashion changes so fast in the pop world, I was taken unawares.

275 "Free Nelson Mandela" T-shirts.

I bought these on the Thursday and by Saturday he was out on parole.

How was I to know that?

Charles and Di wedding plates.

Nothing that a good sorting—out wouldn't cure.

Nine—carat identity bracelet inscribed with "Gary".

We got a box of men's wigs that you bought before Damien was born.

50 pirated versions of "The Poseidon Adventure" —

all on Betamax.

200 litres of Romanian Riesling.

Clear it out, Del. Dump it on your allotment.

Give the room back to our baby.

But who's to say I won't sell all this tomorrow?

What are the chances of you meeting a bald, anti-apartheid, diving Bros fan

who has a Betamax video, likes Romanian Riesling and whose name is Gary?!

All right. I'lL clear it out.

That would cheer me up. I'll be a happy woman again.

Yeah. You wait till you see our mortgage.

Dear Lord, please let me prove to you that wealth won't spoil me.

— Raquel said to help you clear this room. — That's right.

We're gonna get rid of it. Make a clean start.

- Not the wine? You could flog that to Mike. - No, I can't. He's a good friend.

— And he's tasted it. - Yeah.

What did you buy that thing for?

It was for you, so you could go down and visit all the ships that you sailed in!

I read in some Sunday supplement that diving was all the go with yuppies.

- They meant scuba... - Uh?

— Don't matter. — Seems a shame to throw it all away.

We can't put it in the garage. It ain't safe.

— What about Grandad's shed? — What shed?

The one on his allotment — your allotment.

Yeah. You're right. We could pug it all away in there.

Tell you what we'll do. Ill go and open the van. You two bring all this stuff down.

— What do you reckon, then? — What do I reckon?

The last time I saw a place like this was in that film "Gorillas In The Mist"!

It's a jungle. Gawd knows what lives in there.

- Del! — Gordon Bennett!

Albert, you nearly gave me a connery!

I could have sworn I saw a blowpipe and a poison dart.

Have you seen all that rubbish that's been dumped round there?

This is ruining my shoes... Gawd, look at this Lot!

— Dear, oh dear. What are these drums doing? - I don't know, but they're full

- I wonder what's in them. — There's one open here.

Some sort of yellow stuff.

Gor blimey! Smell that.

— What is that? - I don't know. It could be toxic.

Yeah. Could be bloody poisonous an" all

Del Boy! Dave!

Do you fancy sweeping this lot up?

- I'm not a road sweeper any more. — What are you? A piano tuner?

- I'm an environmental hygienist. — What do they do?

They sweep the roads.

— The council have upgraded me. — Perhaps Trigger knows what this is.

Trigger couldn't find his way out of a telephone box!

He may have come across it on his rounds. Have a look, Trig.

(SNIFFS)

It's some sort of yellow stuff.

- You were bloody right. He's got it spot on. - No hesitation.

You have got to get rid of this stuff. This is the environmental health hazard.

we'll pour it down the drain, then.

You can't pour it down a sewer! It might be volatile. You could have sh...

You could create a disaster area.

There's a 24—hour waste—disposal depot down Stanford Road.

That's a good idea. Thanks, Trig.

— We can get these in the back of the van. - No.

How am I going to get rid of them, then?

— (HORN HONKS) - Del Boy!

Rodney!

Denzil.

Denzil, let's get these drums in the back of your van.

"Ang on, not so fast. What are these things?

It's nothing to worry about. It's just some gunge.

Gunge? What sort of gunge?

What sort of gunge? Gunge is gunge, innit?

Hang on, Trig. For all we know, this could be anything. It could be Concorde fuel.

No, it's not Concorde fuel.

It's antifreeze out of the Starship Enterprise.

It'll be battery acid out of Thunderbird Three next!

Look, do you want this contract or not, because I am a busy man, right?

I've got things to do.

How can we be certain that this stuff isn't dangerous?

Because it is not and that is the truth! Cor dear!

You've heard it from the horse's mouth. Get that end.

What do you mean? That's Derek Trotter in there, not bloody Einstein!

Del knows what he's talking about.

And what's the Beatles' manager got to do with it?

What?

When we was at school, Del was the best at chemistry.

He used to make fireworks. He blew up the science lab.

Yes, I remember. I was doing detention in there at the time!

And he don't know what he's talking about?

— That's it, Del. I am not touching them! — Denzil!

It's harmless. To prove it, I'L help you carry it.

I can't say fairer than that, can 1?

— It can't be dangerous. — How can you be sure?

'Cause Del's just offered to help us carry "em.

Yeah. All right, Trig.

Lovely jubbly!

- It's closed. — Well, it's a bit late, innit?

A bit late? You said it was open 24 hours a day.

Yeah, but not at night.

So what do we do now? We've got 6,000 gallons of something in the back of my van.

We could take it down the other council depot I worked at.

— Is it open? - No.

What's the point of taking it there if that's not open either?

It soon will be open. I've got a spare set of keys here.

~ Bloody hell! — Are you sure this is all right?

— Who cares? - No problem.

— Back up, Denzil — But is it legal?

Yes! Just back up, will you, Denzil?

Stone me! It's bloody hot in here!

I can't see the fascination with this diving lark.

There you are. Aren't you glad you listened to me tonight?

These are austere times. If it hadn't been for me, you would have lost a contract.

— I suppose you're right. — No suppose so about it.

— Right. That's 50 quid I owe you. — Owe me?!

Yes. I'm not going to ask you to do this as a favour, even if you want to.

- Yeah, but I thought... — Don't try and persuade me, Denzil

I'm going to see you for that money. He'd do anything for anyone, this bloke.

— That's what mates are all about. — Course it is. Gets you right here.

You're down in my book, Denzil. Shan't forget tonight.

Same here!

Thanks for everything. See you, Denzil. See you, Trig.

Night, Del.

— What's this? - You know that bloke Myles?

What, the one what's done really well and become a millionaire in two poxy years?

- Yeah. This is one of his places. — What are we doing here?

— Cassy asked me to get a bit of shopping. — Shopping?

Yeah. For dinner tonight.

Hey, listen, what's the point of getting married and then doing the shopping yourself?

- No wonder you got problems. - Oi!

— Keep your nose out of my business. - All right.

— Cor blimey, it don't "alf pen and ink. — Sshh!

That's the fertiliser and the manu... and the other things.

Every single item has been grown the way nature intended.

Oh, yeah? That must be very nice for you and Cassandra.

To have dinner knowing everything on your plate was once under a pile of horse shit.

- I'll get the shopping and we'll be off. - Hurry up.

You seen the price of these spuds?

Yeah. You pay the extra "cause they're organic. There's no E120 additives in these foods.

E120s? What are you talking about, E120s?

Before you met Cassandra, you thought an E120 was a bus!

What's this, look? Sprout tops?

28 pence a pound! Urgh!

Look at the price of these carrots. I tell you...

What's this? This is water, innit? Water at 65 pence a bottle?!

Mind your own business. Cassandra and I like it.

well, well. Maybe she'll like this more. It's only 72 pence a bottle!

Is this what people are spending their money on nowadays?

Yeah. It's one of the few growth industries.

Is it? Is it really?

— Rodney! — Myles.

— How are you doing? — Good. Yourself?

Fine. Myles, this is my brother, Derek. Del, this is Myles.

— Pleased to meet you, son. — And you. What do you think?

- In one word: impressed. - In one word: bloody expensive.

— Expensive? - Yeah.

Look at the price of your spuds and carrots, not to mention your sprout tops!

Water — 72 pence a bottle?

It comes from the most natural sources in Britain — and Switzerland, France and Italy.

I'm a founder member of the SWANS Committee.

Swans? Them big white duck things?

No, Del. It's an acronym.

Oh, that's what I thought.

— I was about to say that's an an—acronym. — And you'd have been right.

- Yeah. What do you feed them on? — Feed what on?

Your an—acronyms.

Del, it's not a duck or a goose or nothing.

An acronym is a name made out of the initials of another set of words.

Oh, yeah! That an—acronym. Yeah.

I've got to rush, Rodney. It's been... It's been real

See ya.

Big bloody ducks!

You what?

Del, SWANS are the initials of the Spa Water And Natural Spring Committee.

Myles is the vice—president. He dishes out all the certificates of purity.

Without his signature, none of these companies can sell their goods.

Can't help but admire him. He's going places.

With a name like Myles, he's bound to!

Cabbage.

— It shows what a bit of hard work can do. — Gives you a warm feeling, don't it?

What's aching muscles and blisters when you're confronted with a vision like this?

I know what you mean, Del.

Look at that, it's 12 o'clock. Oi, you two!

Go and get a bite to eat. You deserve it.

- Back in an hour, Del. - No rush, Trig.

— We'll never get this finished today. — There's always tomorrow.

See you in an hour, then. Ta-ra.

All right, Dave?

— What's your bloody game? — What's up?

Myles has just phoned to confirm his appointment with you.

Good. He's on his way, then.

— What's your game, Del? - Hm?

Nothing, Rodders. Nothing.

No. It's just that after our visit to Myles's place last week,

something happened to me, Rodney.

It came like a blinding flash of light.

It was like... It was like St Paul's journey on the road to Tabascus.

These rough hands are gonna feed my woman and my child, Rodney.

- I'm a born-again gardener! — You've never done gardening in your life.

It's been a bit awkward 12 floors up on a tower block! But now's me chance!

Del, to you, a King Edward is something you smoke.

The only thing he's ever grown is a beard.

You don't know anything about gardening.

I know, but I know a man who does.

That's why I gave Myles a bell. He didn't seem to mind.

No, it'd be in his interests. He can flog you his fertilisers.

Exactly. He helps me and I help him. "Conseil d'etat" as they say in Grenobles.

— (HONKING) — Sounds like him now.

Yeah. Look.

Ship ahoy. Ship ahoy, Albert.

— Come here. You know what to do? - Leave it to me, son.

Just a minute. Don't go overboard. Nice and easy does it.

All right. Off you go.

Myles. How lovely to see you again.

Beautiful day for sowing a turnip, eh?

- Is this it? - Yes. This is it.

You said you had land. You were talking about leaving one area to lay fallow.

- No. It's just an allotment. - Yes, I can see it's an allotment.

The thing is, I'm new to all this gardening malarkey

and I thought you, being a friend, could advise.

Rodney tells me you're the kiddy for organic swede.

And anything I need will be bought from your garden centre.

Yes. OK. Fine.

— Are you working with compost? - No. I think it must be his pipe.

- No. Do you have a compost heap? — Oh, I see what you mean.

Not yet, but I'm keeping me eye open for one.

Yes. First we have to ascertain what kind of soil you have.

oh.

well, it's... It's this. It's this earthy sort.

There are many varieties of soil, Del. There's...

There's all sorts, isn't there, Myles?

— What's he doing now? — He's a gardener. He's..

— What are you actually doing, Myles? — Testing for texture and structure.

Watch it. There's a lot of cats round here.

- It's slightly alkali. - No, thanks. I had a fry—up earlier on.

Derek, this could take five years to achieve the perfect crop.

Five years? I thought it would take a long time.

Try a cocktail of fish meal, dried blood, mushroom compost

and horse and cow manure.

Lovely jubbly!

we'll have to talk about crop rotation, but the first thing is a good digging over.

- I'll get my kit from the car. - No. Albert will get it.

— What's that? — What?

- The water? — Oh, that is...

That? That's just the old Peckham spring.

— Rodney, get Myles's soil testing kit... - No, no. Wait a minute.

The Peckham spring? I never realised there was a spring in Peckham.

Yes. That's why it's called the Peckham spring.

It was in the Domesday Book. We don't know where it comes from, do we?

No. It's certainly sprung up from somewhere.

Fascinating. A natural urban spring. This a real discovery.

Is it pure?

No, Myles. Not with alkaline soil.

I've been drinking that water since I was a nipper. Never done me any harm.

Don't take no notice of him. He's 98 and he's a bit...

— He's 98? - Mm.

- Yeah. Isn't he, Rodney? - Yeah. But only recently.

Would you mind me taking a sample away for analysis?

— What for? - To test its purity.

It ain't pure, Myles. Take my word for it, it ain't pure.

I think Rodney's right. It can't be pure.

It comes right up from the centre of the earth.

Those rocks filter the water of its impurities and give it its life—preserving qualities.

- Minerals, Derek. — Sorry, you lost me, Myles.

It won't take you long to catch up.

— Derek... May I call you Del? — Mais oui.

If, and I must emphasise the word if....

If this water passes our laboratory tests,

there is a strong possibility that we could bottle it.

Sorry, Myles. What do you mean by "bottle it".

He means put it into bottles, Del.

I don't expect you to understand the potential of this water,

so I'll explain it in simple terms.

You have the source — the Peckham spring.

I have the means of selling it through my stores.

If successful, we could expand to supermarkets and other outlets.

Myles, what you're saying is that we could bottle this water and then sell it?

By George, I think he's got it.

It's a possibility. Depending on the results of our tests.

- I need something to take a sample. — There's a bucket here.

No. It has to be sterilised. I'll just nip back to the garden centre.

No need, Myles. I think I've got the very thing in my briefcase.

Albert?

I went down to Mothercare this morning to get my baby a new bottle —

a sterilised bottle.

~ Will that do? — Just the job.

- How old's the baby? - Nearly two.

He's slow going on to solids, but we're not worried.

Rodney was three and a half before he left the breast.

Albert, fill that up with water from the Peckham spring.

— Don't get any dirt on the bottle. - Leave it to me.

- I think I should... — Myles, you talked about crop rotation.

Does that mean I've got to dig up my spuds and turn "em over?

- What do you want? — How are you gonna get out of this?

- I don't believe it. We'll end up in the nick! - Not me. I'm an old man.

— Rotate them as well? - Yes.

- Here he is. - That all right, son?

Yes. I'll get that off to the lab this afternoon.

— Now...beans and carrots. —- Eh?

— Growing beans and carrots. — Oh, yes!

I've gone off the idea of growing vegetables. Let's have a pint. Come on.

- I think it's a miracle. - Yup. It certainly is a miracle, Rodney.

Our dear mum's smiling down on us, making sure her little lads don't starve.

No. It's a miracle we've been doing this for three weeks and we're not banged up!

— We ain't doing nothing illegal. - Nothing illegal?!

We are selling public water to the public!

You're wrong. This water used to be public but Maggie privatised it, didn't she?

It now belongs to a board of directors.

They sell it to us, we sell it on. We're just repackaging it.

It's like Esso — they buy oil from Kuwait,

repackage it and sell it on as petrol. It's not illegal.

What about the Trades Descriptions Act? It ain't from a spring.

Sainsbury's sell runner beans, but they ain't been round the track!

What about the claim on the label? "From an ancient and natural source."

The Thames. Can't be more ancient and natural than that.

Anyway, we got a certificate from SWANS saying it's some of their finest water.

Because what they analysed weren't this. It was Malvern or Buxton water.

Will you stop splitting hairs?

Peckham Spring is Myles's biggest seller. He's doubled his order twice.

Go and see how Raquel's getting on.

I'm surprised you'd be party to this.

I'm doing it purely for the man I love. I'll claim a crime of passion...or insanity.

You haven't turned the money down.

To make it easier on Del when the case goes to court.

The less he makes, the lighter his sentence'll be.

It may look like I'm sharing the profits, but I'm halving the guilt.

That is true brotherly love.

- I'd almost give you one of me medals. - Shut up!

— I see Peckham Spring's selling well — What?

I had lunch at the wine bar. The waiter says it's their most popular brand.

- It has got a taste of its own. - Yeah? It's called fluoride.

- Sorry? — I said, it's got to be tried.

- Yeah. Everyone's buying it. It's on trial - Trial? What do you mean?

Myles said a major supermarket is giving it a trial

Yeah. That's right.

— Are you OK? - Yeah. Fine.

If you're still worried about... The doctor said, "Don't be uptight."

It's got nothing to do with that!

Look, Cass... If I tell you a secret, do you promise never to tell a soul?

Cross my heart. Go on, what is it?

- You know Peckham Spring? — What about it?

It's tap water.

— Tap water? - Yeah. Tap water.

— What do you mean, tap water? — Well... water from a tap.

— From a tap? What tap? - The one in Del's kitchen.

- You're kidding. Tell me you're joking. - No. Really.

He just gets a bottle, puts it under the tap, fills it up and sells it for 45 pence.

— Oh, my God! God help us! — Don't panic. It's got nothing to do with you.

Nothing to do with me? Where do you think he got the capital to buy all those bottles?

And the money to pay Daddy for printing his labels?

- You?! - Yes. He came to the bank for a loan.

And you gave it to him?

I'm in charge of small-business investment and this seemed to have a future —

a natural spring that had received a certificate of purity from Myles.

— And you believed Del? - No. I believed you!

Del told me not to tell anyone. why didn't you tell me you'd given him money?

That's confidential information between the bank and its client.

Now you know. What are you gonna do?

I've got no choice. I'll have to keep quiet about it.

— Really? - I just promised you I wouldn't tell a soul.

If I told the bank, I'd lose my promotion.

I don't fancy driving to Wormwood Scrubs every Sunday to visit you.

Is selling water illegal? I was charged 20 pence in the garage to fill up my radiator.

Del's kept up the repayments.

— And you're earning lots of money. - I've never been so well off.

But there are geological aspects coming into play.

We are taking thousands of gallons every week.

The water board think they've got a major underground leak!

It's the middle of winter and the papers are issuing drought warnings!

So people are going out and panic—buying Peckham bloody Spring!

So we take more water to stay up with demand

and some prat has advised him to advertise on local radio.

You? why?!

Del's my client. It's my job to advise him.

You are not dealing with a normal person. This is Derek Trotter!

He is sucking the land dry!

I'm expecting a visit from Lenny Henry and Bob Geldof any minute!

Personally, I've always believed in powdered rhino horn...

Raquel!

Ah.

I was ever so happy to hear your good news.

It must be lovely coming into money after all these years.

— We're enjoying it. - I bet you are.

You can come to my coffee mornings now.

- Thank you. — See you in a minute. I'm bursting.

- You're not the only one. — Garden party next!

I hear business is booming, Rodney.

Yeah, Peckham Spring's selling hand over foot.

I find it hard to believe that someone with Del's attitude

could suddenly become so professional.

He just never had a chance to prove it.

If he hadn't cleared up the allotment, he'd never have found the spring.

How come he cleared it up? He's no Alan Titmarsh. A bit of a tit, maybe.

We all go through many changes.

Del just became aware of the damage we are doing to Mother Earth.

I suppose that summons from the council helped!

Yeah. At least he got experts to get rid of them drums of chemicals.

Since when have Denzil and Trigger been experts?

Denzil and Trig...? He told me he used specialists.

Trigger could be considered to be a specialist.

Trigger still don't know which end of the dart to throw!

I mean, he could dispose of them drums at the Environmental Waste Unit.

— Denzil said they chucked them in a pond! - In a pond?!

- In a pond. — Wait till I see Del.

— Where are Denzil and Trigger? — Ain't seen them for weeks.

What do you think to this Peckham Spring lark? Knowing Del, it probably comes out of a tap!

Don't be silly, Boycie. I've seen the certificate.

I'm even buying the stuff. You don't think I'm stupid, do you?

- In a pond? - Yeah. You wait till Del gets back.

No arguments tonight. It's the first time we've all been happy for ages.

All right. I'lL have him tomorrow, though.

Rodders, tomorrow we'll go down the allotment and clear out the shed.

What do we want with Bros LPs and Romanian Riesling, eh?

— Or those wigs. - I don't know why I bought them wigs.

— A wig saved my life once. - Yeah.

- Clear it out and dump it somewhere. - Yeah. But not in a pond.

- In a pond? What's he going on about? - I don't know.

— How did a wig save your life? - Oh... Tell her.

- You've got a mouth and a half on you. - I'm interested.

It's bound to have happened during the war.

- It might not have. - During the war...

During the war, I was on a corvette out in the Pacific fighting the Japs.

My old skipper, Captain Kenworthy, used to wear a wig.

Couldn't tell, though, except in rough seas when it used to slide to one side.

One day we were attacked by a kamikaze pilot. Came zooming in towards us.

I said to the skipper, "The way he's carrying on, he'll kill himself."

Anyway, he smashed right into us.

There we were, nine of us and the skipper, marooned with all the lifeboats smashed.

You're not trying to tell us that ten of you got on the captain's wig?

Don't be facetious. I'm talking about heroes.

Whoops. Sorry.

We were washed up on this island where the natives had never seen a white man.

They were getting very angry. Captain Kenworthy said, "Leave this to me, lads."

He stepped forward, brave as a lion, and he whipped his wig off!

You should have seen their faces! He knew they'd never seen a wig before.

Did they make him a god?

No, they killed him.

They thought the wig had magic powers. They ran off and had a ceremony.

We got picked up by an Australian frigate.

Well, we're off home now.

Remember we said when we could afford it, we'd have a weekend away.

- Yeah. — We can afford it now.

why don't we go tomorrow night, just the two of us?

— All alone. - In a lovely hotel overlooking the sea.

In a king-size bed. You can do a lot of rolling around in a king-size bed.

- I've heard a dozen oysters... — Derek!

- I won't be in tomorrow. - why?

Me and Cassandra are going to the seaside to be on our own. You don't mind?

Of course I don't mind. That's a great idea.

Yeah. In fact, we'll come with you. Hold on.

— Do you fancy a weekend at the seaside? — Take me home, I'll pack.

This calls for a celebration.

Guess what?

— Another glass of champagne, darling? - I think you could persuade me.

Oh, yes. We've got this in our blood, haven't we, darling?

Well, champagne, certainly.

No. I meant the lifestyle. Didn't I always promise you a life like this? Didn't I?

Yes, you did. I've gotta make the most of it before they put you in prison.

They are not gonna put me in prison.

You gotta do something illegal first. All I'm doing is selling a popular product.

Even the bestest hotels in the world are selling Peckham Spring.

We're on a winner, darling, and this is just the beginning.

As for you, it'll be Mercedes and Cecil Gee suits and Lanzarote all the way for you.

You won't know any other Life.

why should you worry, eh?

- I'd better put him down. - I'm going to go and see Rodney.

Oh, Del, leave them. They're trying to sort their lives out.

It's nine o'clock. They should show more decorum.

- Oi up! - What are you doing?

Just popped in to see how you was. Don't get embarrassed.

You got nothing in there that'll frighten me.

— Why have we got interconnecting doors? — That was my idea.

So we can mingle. All families mingle.

- You pop in more than a gas—meter reader. - Shut up, you tart.

— Where's Cassandra? — Popped into the bathroom half an hour ago.

Those sandwiches were all right, weren't they?

Yeah. No. She's just gone to slip into something.

Half hour ago? What's she slipped into? A coma?

No. She's...

- What have you. - All right. I understand. Don't worry.

You'll be all right, bruv. You just relax, all right?

Don't let yourself get all taut and rigid. well, not all of you!

Will you just get out of here?!

— Don't you go listening. - All right.

Don't make too much noise. Damien's sleeping in here.

See you in the morning.

Ah. That's it, babe. You have a lovely warm.

And you dream some lovely dreams. Eh?

You dream about Christmas and all the presents that Santa Claus is gonna bring you.

'Cause a little baby like you is gonna be right at the top of his VIP list.

When I was a little ankle—biter like you,

all I ever got for Christmas was an orange and a clump round the earhole.

Still, the orange was nice.

I wish I knew what you was dreaming.

Don't matter. As long as it's a happy one.

And I'm in it.

Raquel.

Cor...

You look...really nice.

Thank you.

- I love you. - I love you, Trotter.

Right!

Sorry I've been so long.

(TV NEWS IN BACKGROUND)

They say the best things take time.

A late news item.

The London Borough of Peckham is without water

after a local reservoir was found to be contaminated by an unknown chemical

The drums of the chemical were discovered late this afternoon

and appear to have been dumped in the reservoir a month ago.

A spokesperson has said that the cutting of supplies is a precautionary measure

and there is no need for alarm.

Everything's coming up roses for us now, sweetheart.

Getting better every day.

And it's all thanks to the Peckham spring.

I wouldn't mind betting this time next week, I'll be in all the papers.

# We've got some half-price cracked ice and miles and miles of carpet tiles

# TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs

# Ball games, gold chains, what's—their-names and at a push

# Some Trevor Francis tracksuits from a mush in Shepherd's Bush

# Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush

# No income tax, no VAT

# No money back, no guarantee

# Black or white, rich or broke

# we'll cut prices at a stroke

# God bless Hooky Street!

# Viva Hooky Street!

# Long live Hooky Street!

# C'est magnifique, Hooky Street!

# Magnifique, Hooky Street!

# Hooky Street!

# Hooky Street

# Hooky Street

# Hooky Street #