Original subtitles

- That is humorous, yes. - Very humorous, yes.

- Quite jocular, yes. - Droll, very droll, yes.

Whimsical, yes, yes. Quite absurd, yes.

Quite whimsical, yes.

Priceless wit of a satirical bent, yes.

Behold, oh dim-witted humans.

I am Smart Butt-Head.

And I am the one sages call Smart Beavis.

In the past, we have come to you

to chronicle the mysterious events

of a distant universe where Beavis and Butt-Head

are not teenagers, but in middle age.

At the height of their powers.

But today, we bring you a different tale,

a tale about ourselves.

The legend of how we came to be known

across the cosmos as...

The Discoverers.

Our legend begins the day

we were called before the Supreme Leaders.

Smart Beavis and Smart Butt-Head,

we have for you an important mission.

The Smart Council has decided to invade Earth I,

the planet they call Normal Earth.

The humans who live there

are too stupid to have their own planet.

And so they must be terminated.

Mm-kay?

Your Mission is to go to Earth I

and place a navigational beacon

to show our space fleet precisely where to attack.

Ah, yes, you chose us

because of our deep understanding of Normal Earth.

And wisdom in the art of war.

No, we chose you because you will probably die.

You were the most expendable people we could think of.

And we are extremely good at thinking.

Quite right, Smart Todd.

Now go. May science be with you.

Very well. We shall go to Normal Earth.

And we shall be its doom.

Indeed. Doom.

- Yes, yes. Quite jocular. - Chucklesome, yes, yes.

- Amusing jocosity. - Yes, yes.

Waggish and farcical as well, yes.

♪ Yeah, we want to go insane ♪

Interesting, quite interesting, yes.

Yes, yes. Very interesting.

♪ Take your bitch, give her back, insane ♪

♪ Sent her packing, she was actin' crazy ♪

People less sophisticated than ourselves might assume

that this is a man stumbling around intoxicated in his yard

and should be handed over to the authorities.

Yes, but we know better.

These are sophisticated dance moves with great meaning.

Yes, it will take our scientists many centuries

to interpret what he is saying through the language of dance.

Yes, yes.

The probability of him urinating in his own pants

is zero.

I need it cash, cake ♪

Did you catch that, Smart Butt-Head?

He is expressing his earthly desire for fornication

and a carton of smokes.

Ah, yes. Yes, indeed.

♪ But it's different ♪

Oh, look at this.

He is paying tribute to the God of fertility.

Yes, yes, by placing his hand near his Earth penis,

I believe this is how they pledge of allegiance.

Yes, yes.

The Earth penis is a much less intelligent organ

than our space penis.

Yes, yes.

Primitive 16-bit Earth penis, yes, yes.

♪ Completely ♪

I do not understand what he appears to be doing now.

What is the meaning of this, Smart Butt-Head?

He is performing the ancient moves

necessary before immersion in the basin of purification.

Ah, yes, indeed, yes.

I believe you are correct, Smart Butt-Head, yes.

Humans must reach the exalted state they call

krunk before immersion into the pool of infinity.

Yes, yes, that pool,

like the wisdom of Post Malone, is infinite.

♪ Second verse, second verse, yay ♪

♪ Second verse ♪

This is very good, Smart Butt-Head.

Yes, yes. Very good.

I do not understand why it was not nominated

for the Space Oscars.

Ah, yes. Yes, it is a travesty.

Post Malone has become quite wealthy doing this.

Yes, yes, it is no wonder that the Earthlings

have made him their king.

♪ To try to teach me how to dance ♪

What do those words on his face mean?

They mean one thing, Smart Beavis.

Kidnap me and probe my anus. - Yes, yes.

Perhaps we should lure him into our spacecraft

with a 40-ouncer and a pack of cigarettes

and take him to our home planet for study.

Yes, yes.

40 ounces is the optimal volume for malt liquor.

32-ounce does not get you messed up sufficiently.

And 52 ounces is too heavy to hold.

Yes, yes. Do you think he would mind being probed?

I do not think he would mind or notice.

Yes, yes.

Look upon these foolish humans,

unaware their destruction is nigh.

Let us place the beacon here in this temple of commerce.

How primitive. - Yes.

The convenience stores on our world are far more advanced.

Yes, yes, very primitive, yes.

It appears to be an obsolete form of nachos.

Yes, quite archaic, yes.

Where is the space cheese?

And look at this.

Primitive analog pornography.

Fascinating.

We must take it for our research.

Now, let us place the beacon

to guide our space fleet to its prey.

But where shall we place it, Smart Beavis?

Ah, these days, you got to take out a mortgage

just to buy some cold ones, I tell you what.

Let us put the beacon in this chamber.

It should suffice.

Yes, yes. A felicitous location, yes.

Well, hold on there, boys.

You can't just take those magazines

and go whack off in the bathroom.

I do not understand.

What do these words mean?

"Whack off"?

You know, choking the chicken.

Beating your meat.

Spanking your monkey.

Son, I'm talking about masturbating.

We have never heard of it.

What is masturbating?

You really don't know?

Oh, boy.

Well, all right, I guess I'll explain it to you then.

You see, sometimes a man--

And that's pretty much the long and short of it.

Fascinating.

Your own schlong?

Quite fascinating, indeed.

We must try this immediately for research.

Indeed.

We shall return immediately afterwards

and place the beacon.

The research was a success.

Indeed.

The old man's analysis

of spanking your monkey was correct.

Quite accurate, yes.

Let us go now and place the beacon.

First, we should conduct the research one more time.

Very well.

Research complete.

Let us place the beacon.

Or we conduct the research one more time.

Yes, yes, I agree.

One more time, yes. We must be thorough, yes.

My schlong hurts.

As does mine.

It is finally time to cease our research

and plant the beacon.

Agreed.

But first, one more time.

Set course for the navigation beacon.

I'm not detecting it, sir.

That's not possible.

We sent a team to plant it a week ago.

It was never turned on, sir.

We have zero navigational data.

No matter.

I became Smart Admiral because I am expert in navigating

without--

Smart Beavis and Smart Butt-Head,

you failed to place the beacon.

As a result,

our invasion fleet crashed into the moon,

destroying over 40 ships

and putting Admiral Smart Van Driessen

in the space emergency room.

You have disappointed us for the last time, mm-kay?

You have anything to say before we pass sentence?

In our defense, Supreme Leaders,

we have discovered something.

Indeed, we did.

Something unknown to our planet called spanking your monkey.

I will beam you how it works.

Very well.

We will consider this spanking your monkey

and return with our verdict.

We will now vote on your sentence.

Death.

Give them a billion dollars.

Throw them a parade.

Give them $2 billion.

Rename the planet in their honor.

Sing songs of their triumph at every public gathering.

Let us consider the evidence one more time.

Yes. - Agreed.

You've got to be kidding me.

I only wish more people had come to our parade.

They are all at home spanking their monkeys.

Thanks to what we learned from that old man,

Earth 327-Z would never be the same again.

And that is why we are known as...

The Discoverers.

Chirp.