Original subtitles

♪ MTV ♪

Uh, your brain weighs almost nothing.

What a dumbass.

Shut up, Butt-Head!

Weigh it again.

I'm gonna think about something heavy,

like rocks or something heavy.

Wait a minute, Beavis.

Check it out.

Whoa.

Wow, that guy is cool.

Yes, he is very cool.

But look, it says, like, he did a crime or something?

And if you turn him in to the police,

you get, uh, a million dollars.

Oh, so if you, like, find a guy who did a crime

and turn him into the police, you get a million dollars?

Beavis, I've got an idea.

Uh, sir, Beavis did, like, a crime.

I'm turning him in.

That's right. Yeah.

Yeah. Give us a million dollars.

Yeah.

What crime did he do?

Uh...

Huh, uh, that one's a stumper, isn't it?

Uh, sir, can you give us a minute?

Um, I spanked my monkey.

That's not a crime.

It's not?

Whoa!

You know, that's cool.

Are you sure, sir?

I heard him doing it, and it was violent.

Yeah, that's not a crime.

Uh, can you give us another minute, sir?

Tell him you stole a house.

Yeah, I don't know.

If spanking your monkey is allowed,

maybe that's allowed too.

Uh, yeah.

That's true.

This is hard.

We thought of a crime, sir.

Yeah, I stabbed a tree.

Just get out of here, okay?

Hey, they look like derelicts.

We should ask them if they know anything about all the graffiti

around 26th Street.

Uh, is graffiti a crime?

Yeah.

Then Beavis did it.

Yeah. That's right.

Okay. Book him.

Yes!

We're gonna be millionaires.

I wish it didn't have to be this way.

I really do.

But sometimes in life, we have to protect our own heart,

even if it means ripping it out of our chest.

- Yes! - Ooh, yeah!

Hell yeah.

That's how we do it around here.

Yeah.

America! Yeah.

I bet we could do better than those guys.

We should become hit men.

Yeah, yeah, really.

That's a good idea. Yeah.

How do you become a hit man, though?

Oh, I know.

Maybe I'll ask at the unemployment office, yeah.

See if they have any hit man jobs, you know?

Uh, sure.

Can't hurt to ask.

You know, at my last job interview,

the guy asked me to stop jiggling my leg.

And I said, shut up, or I'm gonna kill you!

But see, this time on this job interview,

that might get me the job, see?

Oh, this is good.

This is good. Yeah.

And I'll tell you something.

If I was a hit man, I would be the model of professionalism.

And I would even clean the grease traps

if they wanted me to, you know?

Uh, there aren't any grease traps

when you're a hit man, dumbass.

Yeah, there are. They're on the grill.

You're thinking of Burger World.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, but, um, you know, I could do all my hits

in Burger World, you know?

Mix business with pleasure, you know?

Oh, you know what else, um?

Like, if I ran out of bullets or something,

I'd give 'em, like, a triple cheeseburger

with a side of Macho Fries,

and then they just die of heart disease, you know?

I got time.

Also, like, if you were a hit man,

and you didn't wanna come in to work one day 'cause, like,

it was the weekend, you could just say your grandma died.

And then if they said they were gonna go check,

you could just kill her.

Oh, yeah. Oh, wait a second.

I don't like that, Butt-Head. That's messed up.

You said you have to work on weekends as a hit man?

Uh, I think you have to work

whenever someone needs killing.

Uh, yeah, this might not work out.

It was a beautiful dream.

Felony vandalism.

That's a serious charge.

That's right, sir. It sure is.

We're gonna get a million dollars, yeah.

Damn right.

Well, I promise you, Mr. Beavis, as your lawyer,

I will do everything I can to get you off.

Well, okay, I guess.

But I'd rather it was with a chick, you know?

Court is now in session for the trial

of the State of Texas versus Beavis.

Prosecution, you may call your first witness.

There's been a whole lot of graffiti on the side

of the Maxi Mart and all over the neighborhood--

a lot of gang tags and obscenities.

Whoa, cool.

Yeah, the crime I did kicks ass.

Yeah.

You do cool crimes.

Yeah, yeah, I do. Yeah.

Um, I do lots of cool crimes, Your Honor.

Can those 12 guys over there hear me?

Did you hear that? Lots of cool crimes I do.

He told me to my face that he did it.

He confessed.

But isn't it true that you railroaded him

into that confession?

Rail.

My lawyer is a perv.

The defense calls Mr. Butt-Head to the stand

as a character witness.

You've been friends with Beavis your whole life,

is that correct?

Uh, he's not really my friend.

But you lived together for 20 years.

I'd like to take the 69th.

The defense calls Mr. Beavis to the stand

in his own defense.

Mr. Beavis, we've heard a lot here today.

And I bet you're eager to finally

tell your side of the story.

Eh. This is boring.

How long is this gonna take?

I'm just here to get my million dollars.

Yeah.

What million dollars?

You know, my million dollar reward

for turning myself in for doing a crime.

There's no reward, Mr. Beavis.

If this court finds you guilty, you don't get any money.

What?

You go to jail.

Now, that sucks.

Um, I have one more question for the judge.

Proceed.

Um, is spanking your monkey against the law?

'Cause they told me it wasn't,

and now it's just not as fun anymore.

And so, Mr. Beavis, you didn't do any of this graffiti?

No, sir.

In fact, you couldn't have,

because you don't even know your letters.

I'd just like to state for the record that reading sucks.

The only reason you confessed to the crime

was you mistakenly believed you would

be paid one million dollars.

Do I get a million dollars?

'Cause I'm still not 100% clear on it.

No.

Eh, that sucks.

The defense rests.

Your Honor, we have just come into a new piece

of evidence we'd like to enter into the record.

I'll allow it.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, we did do graffiti. Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Uh, let the record show that it's a butt.

Yeah, I forgot about that.

Um, Your Honor, was this in 2024?

I was drunk that year.

I don't remember barely any of it.

We, the jury, find the defendants guilty.

Wait a second.

Who's the defendants? I thought we did it.

Yeah.

Someone tell her she got the wrong guys.

At least these guys know what's up.

Yeah, really.

Beavis, we're gonna get a million dollars.

Our plan worked. Yeah.