Original subtitles

♪ MTV ♪

Sir, we just wanna donate sperms.

Yeah.

Don't come back.

Cody said this was a sperm bank,

but I think it's just like an Italian restaurant

or something.

In vitro!

Yeah.

Dammit. We gotta find a sperm bank.

Yeah, really.

I'm tired of spanking my monkey for a hobby.

I wanna go pro, you know what I'm saying?

Uh, what have we here?

Uh, spuh-- spuh--

Spuh--

a place to spank your monkey?

Spuh-- sperm--

uh, bank!

Sperm bank.

Whoa!

That must be why its logo

looks like a schlong, wow!

Well, Beavis, let's go in there and spank our monkeys

and get paid for it.

Yeah.

Boi-oi-oi-oing!

♪ Your mama ♪

Whoa.

Your mama.

These are generations just sitting

around the campfire telling stories about your mom.

Shut up, Butt-Head!

Uh, look at that, Beavis.

It's a mom who cares about her son.

This song is not about your mom.

Eh, c'mon, Butt-Head. C'mon.

'Cause if it was, it'd be--

♪ Your mama ♪

♪ Went to the store to get the Plan B ♪

♪ Then did drugs during her pregnancy ♪

Shut up, Butt-Head!

♪ Your mama ♪

♪ Likes to have sex with lots of dudes ♪

♪ And leave you in a hot car ♪

Oh, well, that's true.

♪ Your mama ♪

♪ Got in a fistfight with her caseworker ♪

Oh, yeah.

I'd rather have that than one of these moms that, like,

cares about you, and she, like, is always around

'cause that turns you into a wuss.

Uh, oh, yeah.

Moms like that suck.

They're always like, "Uh, I'm Jeremy's mom.

I came to his play, uh."

Oh, yeah, yeah.

"The play's so good, and Jeremy's the best part.

Uh, Jeremy, I love you."

If my mom ever said that to me, I'd kick her out of the house.

Yeah, really.

In fact, it's kind of weird that you

just said it, Butt-Head.

Don't ever do that again.

I'll kick your ass.

You shouldn't even joke about stuff like that, yeah.

Beavis.

You seem upset.

Does this video bring up issues?

Shut up, Butt-Head!

Do you want to talk about it?

I'm here for you if you want to talk about it.

Eh, c'mon, Butt-Head.

You know who's not here for you?

♪ Your mama ♪

Shut up, Butt-Head.

This sperm bank is pretty cool.

It barely looks disgusting at all.

Yeah, yeah.

So, um, where do, eh, you know, make our contribution?

Uh, looks like we gotta get in line.

Eh, so we have to wait for all these guys

to spank their monkey?

Ugh, that old guy's probably gonna take forever.

Yeah, really.

Well, pull up a chair, everybody.

Next, please?

How can I help you?

Uh, we wanna, like, get some money.

Yeah, yeah.

Boi-oi-oi-oing!

You can use the ATM machine.

- We can? - Sure.

It's right out in the lobby.

Um, Butt-Head, what do we do?

Uh, I think the sperm goes in this thing.

Whoa, it holds a lot.

Eh, I don't think I can reach.

Maybe if you give me a boost, I--

Ah!

Dammit, Beavis, I'm not gonna have my hands

anywhere near you while you spank your monkey.

Leave me out of this.

I guess I could just climb up and then just kind

of pull my pants down.

There's too many people around.

This is weird. - Dammit.

This sperm bank sucks.

Uh, that ATM didn't work at all.

If there was more privacy, I could probably swing it,

but no, thank you.

Do you have an account with us?

Uh, no.

We just got here five minutes ago.

Well, you'll need to make an initial deposit.

How would you like to do that today?

Eh, I don't know.

With my hand, I guess.

Unless you have someone who can help a guy out,

if you know what I'm saying.

I am going to need a deposit before I can open your account.

OK, but, um, can we do it in the bathroom, maybe?

You need the bathroom, it's right over there.

Do they have anything to look at,

you know, like, to help things along?

Uh, they've got these little magazines.

Let's see here.

This is just pictures of people standing in front of a house.

Uh, it's not bad, you know?

It'll work.

Hey, baby, whatcha gonna do in that house?

Oh, yeah.

The hay-ouse.

Yeah.

I'll just go in here.

Banking is cool.

Now, where's our money?

Yeah, I deposited all over that place.

Yeah.

Yeah, me too.

Then I took a little nap on some guy's desk.

I'll just need cash or a cashier's check,

and we can get your account opened right up.

We have to give him money?

Dammit, Beavis.

At least act like you know what you're doing.

You got to spend money to make money.

Don't embarrass me.

Oh, OK. OK.

OK, fine.

Here you go.

OK.

This is gonna be your temporary checkbook.

What?

And just give me a moment.

I'll be right back with your ATM card.

Hey, where's he going?

That butthole just took all our money.

And look, they made a baby out of our sperms already.

That's not our baby.

It takes like a month, dumbass.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, but maybe because there's two of us, it's faster, see?

Uh, oh, yeah.

Hey!

Undo this baby.

We want our sperms back!

Yeah, you stole our sperms.

At least pay us for the baby we made!

Uh, he's gone.

I guess that's our baby, huh?

So what do we say?

Uhh--

We did your mom.

Eh, come on, Butt-Head.

C'mon.

So I guess, um, we're like, uh, your dads or something, yeah.

Yeah.

Sorry, we can't stick around.

Yeah, it's been real, you know, but, um, we gotta

move on and stuff, you know?

Uh, I guess before we go, we should, like, give

it some advice or something?

Like, about life?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, we should, yeah.

OK, let me see, um.

Oh, oh, I know.

You can donate sperm at the bank,

and they'll give you money.

No, they won't.

Dumbass, it didn't work.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

OK, never mind that, yeah.

Yeah, sorry.

Uh, try not to suck.

Yeah, yeah.

Good enough.

Let's go home, yeah.

Vietnam.

America was fighting not only the wily Vietcong,

but controversy here at home.

After three tours of duty, I myself

became disillusioned with the war and left the army

and soon found myself in San Francisco in what they were

calling the Summer of Love.

Hey, cats, let's head on down to the free love festival, man.

Yeah, groovy.

Psychedelic.

Far out.

Now, hold on just one minute, Flowerberry.

That bong you got there ain't gonna work right.

You see, the gasket on the down stem isn't sitting flush.

And that's gonna let in unwanted air.

Man, there's a free love festival--

You see, your lungs create negative air

pressure that pulls the marijuana

smoke through the water.

But with a bad seal like this, you're just gonna

be pulling in regular air.

And I don't know about you, but I call that a bummer.

Man, there's a free love festival--

Huh!

Now, Flowerberry, you can end the war in Vietnam

by making love to your old lady quick.

Or you can end the war in Vietnam

by making love to your old lady right.

So how about let's have a look-see at that bong?

Do you have a socket wrench set?

The next day, I returned to Vietnam, where I did

another seven tours of duty.

But I'm guessing you wanna know more about Flowerberry's socket

wrench set.

But it'll have to wait for the next

"Tom Anderson's War Stories."