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1
00:00:02,269 --> 00:00:04,237
♪ MTV ♪
2
00:00:25,992 --> 00:00:28,027
Took you long
enough, dumbass.
3
00:00:28,028 --> 00:00:30,530
Where's our nachos?
4
00:00:30,531 --> 00:00:32,098
I didn't get nachos,
Butt-Head.
5
00:00:33,734 --> 00:00:35,134
I got this instead.
6
00:00:35,135 --> 00:00:36,102
Yeah, see?
7
00:00:36,103 --> 00:00:38,238
Check it out.
8
00:00:38,338 --> 00:00:40,707
What did you do
that for, butthole?
9
00:00:40,807 --> 00:00:42,909
I wanted nachos.
- I don't know.
10
00:00:42,910 --> 00:00:45,511
I just saw these, and, um,
I've never had them before,
11
00:00:45,512 --> 00:00:47,713
you know,
and they looked pretty good.
12
00:00:48,982 --> 00:00:50,416
Damn it, Beavis.
13
00:00:50,417 --> 00:00:53,152
Well, let me try them,
and I'll deal with you later.
14
00:00:56,657 --> 00:00:59,560
That's what I'm
talking about, mm-hmm.
15
00:00:59,660 --> 00:01:00,927
Good stuff, yeah.
16
00:01:00,928 --> 00:01:01,894
Excellent.
17
00:01:03,297 --> 00:01:05,230
God damn it, Beavis.
18
00:01:05,231 --> 00:01:08,067
These things are terrible.
19
00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:10,569
They're like vegetables
or something.
20
00:01:11,739 --> 00:01:12,872
No, no, no,
they're really good.
21
00:01:12,873 --> 00:01:14,407
Yeah, mmm.
22
00:01:14,408 --> 00:01:17,444
Yeah, it's great how they, um,
kind of make your lips tingle.
23
00:01:17,445 --> 00:01:19,313
You know what I'm saying?
24
00:01:19,413 --> 00:01:20,946
See?
25
00:01:20,947 --> 00:01:23,650
Uh, no, they don't.
26
00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:24,985
Yeah, they do.
27
00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:27,754
I can barely
feel my lips at all.
28
00:01:27,755 --> 00:01:30,456
Yeah, delicious.
29
00:01:32,058 --> 00:01:33,559
Uh, Beavis?
30
00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:35,295
Yeah?
31
00:01:35,395 --> 00:01:36,328
What?
32
00:01:36,329 --> 00:01:38,931
Mmm, so good.
33
00:01:40,267 --> 00:01:42,769
Uh, you, like,
got ugly or something.
34
00:01:42,770 --> 00:01:46,806
I mean, you were
always pretty ugly, though, so,
35
00:01:46,907 --> 00:01:48,874
never mind, I guess.
36
00:01:48,875 --> 00:01:51,945
Butt-Head, can you help me
get these nuts out of here?
37
00:01:52,045 --> 00:01:54,714
My hands don't fit in the
can anymore for some reason.
38
00:01:54,715 --> 00:01:56,548
Oh, well.
39
00:01:56,549 --> 00:01:59,051
I guess I'll just
pour them in there.
40
00:01:59,052 --> 00:02:01,954
Mm-hmm.
41
00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:04,591
Tastes so good,
my tongue's getting big.
42
00:02:04,592 --> 00:02:07,960
It's just filling
up my entire...
43
00:02:10,631 --> 00:02:11,931
my entire throat.
44
00:02:11,932 --> 00:02:15,301
It's filling
your entire what?
45
00:02:15,302 --> 00:02:17,003
Beavis, you ugly
son of a bitch.
46
00:02:17,004 --> 00:02:18,704
How am I supposed to know
what you're talking about
47
00:02:18,705 --> 00:02:20,072
if I can't understand
a word you're saying?
48
00:02:20,073 --> 00:02:21,073
Mmm.
49
00:02:21,074 --> 00:02:22,308
So good.
50
00:02:24,078 --> 00:02:27,013
Uh-- oh, well.
51
00:02:27,113 --> 00:02:29,415
Now I'll never know what
his tongue was filling up.
52
00:02:29,416 --> 00:02:32,985
I'm gonna go get some nachos.
53
00:02:34,588 --> 00:02:36,255
♪ I met a guy in the summer ♪
54
00:02:36,256 --> 00:02:37,723
♪ And I left him
in the spring ♪
55
00:02:37,724 --> 00:02:40,359
♪ He argued with me
about everything ♪
56
00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:43,630
♪ He had an ego and a
temper and a wandering eye ♪
57
00:02:43,631 --> 00:02:44,930
♪ He said he's 6 foot 2 ♪
58
00:02:44,931 --> 00:02:46,566
Huh.
59
00:02:46,567 --> 00:02:49,503
Some of these girls look like
Olivia Rodrigo, you know?
60
00:02:49,603 --> 00:02:51,370
Like that one.
61
00:02:51,371 --> 00:02:53,006
See, and that one.
62
00:02:53,007 --> 00:02:54,440
See what I'm saying?
63
00:02:54,441 --> 00:02:58,177
Uh, they're all
Olivia Rodrigo, dumbass.
64
00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:00,580
Whoa, really?
65
00:03:00,581 --> 00:03:02,348
Now, see, her putting
herself in this video
66
00:03:02,349 --> 00:03:04,050
over and over again
like that, it's
67
00:03:04,051 --> 00:03:07,987
like taking jobs away from,
like, 20 other hot chicks.
68
00:03:07,988 --> 00:03:09,989
It's not fair.
69
00:03:09,990 --> 00:03:11,057
Yeah, really.
70
00:03:11,058 --> 00:03:12,960
It's messed up.
71
00:03:13,060 --> 00:03:15,928
You know, it's hard enough
for hot chicks to get jobs.
72
00:03:15,929 --> 00:03:17,464
I mean, just look around.
73
00:03:17,465 --> 00:03:19,599
They never seem to be working.
74
00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:22,135
That's right.
75
00:03:22,136 --> 00:03:24,504
Because hot
chicks have a "smegma"
76
00:03:24,505 --> 00:03:26,172
attached to them or something.
77
00:03:27,140 --> 00:03:28,575
Oh, yeah, yeah.
78
00:03:28,675 --> 00:03:33,145
Because society has
"smegmatized" them.
79
00:03:33,146 --> 00:03:36,482
And then they have to, like,
be a hot chick for, like,
80
00:03:36,483 --> 00:03:38,884
50 years just to
afford a house.
81
00:03:39,887 --> 00:03:41,253
That's right, Beavis.
82
00:03:41,254 --> 00:03:43,924
And hot chicks take the
jobs that most Americans
83
00:03:44,024 --> 00:03:45,224
aren't willing to do.
84
00:03:46,260 --> 00:03:47,294
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
85
00:03:48,396 --> 00:03:50,263
Job.
86
00:03:55,669 --> 00:03:59,839
You know-- you know, in
all seriousness, you know,
87
00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:03,076
if I, like, had a
clone, I'm pretty
88
00:04:03,077 --> 00:04:04,678
sure I could kick his ass.
89
00:04:04,779 --> 00:04:06,245
Yeah.
90
00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:09,482
The only thing
you'd beat is your meat.
91
00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:12,418
Oh, yeah, yeah.
92
00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:13,820
Yeah.
93
00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:16,956
Wait a second.
94
00:04:16,957 --> 00:04:18,791
I just thought of
something else.
95
00:04:18,792 --> 00:04:23,263
So like, if I had a clone and
then the clone sat on his hand
96
00:04:23,264 --> 00:04:27,433
until it was numb, and
then he spanked my monkey,
97
00:04:27,434 --> 00:04:29,469
then it would feel like
someone else, yeah.
98
00:04:30,570 --> 00:04:32,372
Damn it, Beavis.
99
00:04:32,373 --> 00:04:33,673
You're a genius.
100
00:04:33,674 --> 00:04:37,610
We got to get cloned.
101
00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:38,646
Yeah, yeah.
102
00:04:38,746 --> 00:04:40,279
Yeah, as soon as possible.
103
00:04:43,417 --> 00:04:46,353
Now, you went into what's
called anaphylactic shock.
104
00:04:46,453 --> 00:04:48,989
You're lucky it only took an
hour for someone to find you
105
00:04:49,089 --> 00:04:50,056
and call 911.
106
00:04:50,057 --> 00:04:51,090
Yeah, that's cool, yeah.
107
00:04:52,693 --> 00:04:55,462
I think you may have had
an adverse reaction to nuts.
108
00:04:55,463 --> 00:04:58,498
Yeah, nut.
109
00:04:58,499 --> 00:05:00,266
Yeah, I like to nut, you know.
110
00:05:00,267 --> 00:05:02,869
It's one of my passions.
111
00:05:02,870 --> 00:05:03,903
You know what I'm saying?
112
00:05:03,904 --> 00:05:06,406
Nut.
113
00:05:06,506 --> 00:05:10,009
Now, did you have
any nuts today?
114
00:05:10,010 --> 00:05:11,311
As a matter of fact, I did.
115
00:05:11,312 --> 00:05:14,514
It was in the shower.
116
00:05:14,515 --> 00:05:16,717
You know, I kind of use
the shower curtain
117
00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:18,050
and some conditioner,
you know.
118
00:05:19,453 --> 00:05:20,520
Huh.
119
00:05:20,521 --> 00:05:21,588
How often are you having nuts?
120
00:05:21,689 --> 00:05:23,255
Oh, I don't know.
121
00:05:23,256 --> 00:05:26,325
Sometimes, like, four or
five nuts a day or something.
122
00:05:27,761 --> 00:05:30,230
And when you have
a nut, how do you feel?
123
00:05:30,231 --> 00:05:31,498
Oh, I mean, you know, good.
124
00:05:31,499 --> 00:05:32,832
That's why I do it.
Yeah.
125
00:05:33,801 --> 00:05:34,967
Interesting.
126
00:05:34,968 --> 00:05:36,302
These questions are weird.
127
00:05:37,571 --> 00:05:39,105
I'm afraid what's
happening here
128
00:05:39,106 --> 00:05:41,808
is you're allergic to nuts.
129
00:05:41,809 --> 00:05:42,842
What?
130
00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:46,845
It appears to be a
very serious nut allergy.
131
00:05:46,846 --> 00:05:49,949
And I'm going to need you
to cut out nuts altogether.
132
00:05:49,950 --> 00:05:51,050
No way.
133
00:05:51,051 --> 00:05:52,285
Are you serious?
134
00:05:52,286 --> 00:05:53,619
Very.
135
00:05:53,620 --> 00:05:54,954
If you have another
nut, you could die.
136
00:05:54,955 --> 00:05:55,889
No!
137
00:05:55,990 --> 00:05:57,323
No!
138
00:05:57,324 --> 00:06:00,292
You're going to be
OK as long as you are
139
00:06:00,293 --> 00:06:02,329
very careful to avoid nuts.
140
00:06:02,429 --> 00:06:04,632
OK, can I have a nut
if it's with a chick?
141
00:06:04,732 --> 00:06:06,132
Absolutely not.
142
00:06:06,232 --> 00:06:07,766
This sucks!
143
00:06:07,767 --> 00:06:10,403
What if I nut on accident
'cause-- 'cause Megan Pisarchik
144
00:06:10,404 --> 00:06:11,905
bends over or something?
145
00:06:11,906 --> 00:06:13,572
Look, you just have
to be very careful.
146
00:06:13,573 --> 00:06:15,208
I would avoid even
touching a nut.
147
00:06:15,209 --> 00:06:16,508
I don't want to do that.
148
00:06:16,509 --> 00:06:17,610
That's disgusting!
149
00:06:19,046 --> 00:06:20,513
If it makes you
feel any better,
150
00:06:20,514 --> 00:06:22,148
I'm allergic to nuts myself.
151
00:06:22,149 --> 00:06:24,652
And I haven't had a
nut for over 20 years.
152
00:06:24,752 --> 00:06:26,319
Why would that
make me feel better?
153
00:06:26,420 --> 00:06:27,620
That you're a wuss?
154
00:06:27,621 --> 00:06:29,188
God damn it!
155
00:06:29,189 --> 00:06:31,558
It drives my wife crazy
because she loves nuts but
156
00:06:31,559 --> 00:06:33,225
can't have them in the house.
157
00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:35,129
This is the worst
day of my life!
158
00:06:35,229 --> 00:06:36,296
Damn it!
159
00:06:40,968 --> 00:06:42,769
Butt-Head,
160
00:06:42,869 --> 00:06:45,305
I can never spank
my monkey again.
161
00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:48,642
And I can never score
or I will die.
162
00:06:50,210 --> 00:06:51,946
Uh, really?
163
00:06:52,046 --> 00:06:53,913
Yes, it's true.
164
00:06:55,215 --> 00:06:57,516
Uh, then I guess
your nads are only
165
00:06:57,517 --> 00:06:59,285
good for one thing, Beavis.
166
00:06:59,286 --> 00:07:01,154
What's that?
167
00:07:02,656 --> 00:07:05,792
Ahh!
Why do they still have to hurt?
168
00:07:15,770 --> 00:07:18,137
I wish we could wear
our skirts shorter.
169
00:07:18,138 --> 00:07:22,942
Don't even look, Beavis,
unless you want to die.
170
00:07:28,248 --> 00:07:30,817
Just keep walking.
171
00:07:30,818 --> 00:07:33,387
It's the only way to survive.
172
00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:53,773
Hey, are you OK?
173
00:07:53,774 --> 00:07:55,709
Your name is Baxter, right?
174
00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:57,777
Eh, it doesn't matter.
175
00:07:59,313 --> 00:08:01,047
I just joined the Highland
Teen Outreach Program,
176
00:08:01,048 --> 00:08:03,450
and you look like you
might be depressed.
177
00:08:03,451 --> 00:08:04,751
Yeah.
178
00:08:04,852 --> 00:08:06,820
The doctor gave me
some very bad news.
179
00:08:06,821 --> 00:08:08,087
Very bad.
180
00:08:10,056 --> 00:08:11,491
Oh, no.
181
00:08:11,492 --> 00:08:13,927
The same thing happened to
my aunt because she smoked.
182
00:08:14,027 --> 00:08:16,295
Your aunt can't
spank her monkey?
183
00:08:16,296 --> 00:08:20,533
Baxter, I just want you
to know if you need support,
184
00:08:20,534 --> 00:08:23,103
Teen Outreach is here for you.
185
00:08:23,204 --> 00:08:24,670
Boi-oi-oi.
No!
186
00:08:24,671 --> 00:08:26,205
No! Help! Help!
187
00:08:26,206 --> 00:08:27,775
I don't want to die!
No, no!
188
00:08:27,875 --> 00:08:28,975
I'm sorry I got a boner.
189
00:08:28,976 --> 00:08:30,376
No!
190
00:08:30,377 --> 00:08:31,878
Help!
191
00:08:31,879 --> 00:08:36,415
Well, Beavis, you almost
died five times today.
192
00:08:37,551 --> 00:08:38,452
Oh, boy.
193
00:08:39,886 --> 00:08:41,588
Every day for the
rest of your life
194
00:08:41,589 --> 00:08:43,055
is going to be like this.
195
00:08:43,056 --> 00:08:46,626
You have nothing to live for.
196
00:08:46,727 --> 00:08:48,260
No way, Butt-Head!
197
00:08:48,261 --> 00:08:50,765
There's still, like,
things I can enjoy.
198
00:08:50,865 --> 00:08:52,298
Like, mixed nuts are good.
199
00:08:52,299 --> 00:08:53,732
Yeah, yeah.
200
00:08:53,733 --> 00:08:54,834
They never
hurt anybody, you know?
201
00:08:54,835 --> 00:08:55,902
Oh, yeah.
202
00:08:55,903 --> 00:08:57,670
Those weren't so bad after all.
203
00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:04,978
Tasty.
204
00:09:04,979 --> 00:09:07,481
Uh-- oh, well.
205
00:09:07,581 --> 00:09:08,781
More for me.
206
00:09:09,817 --> 00:09:12,820
Pretty good.
207
00:09:22,429 --> 00:09:24,230
War is hell.
208
00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:26,232
That's what they tell you.
209
00:09:26,233 --> 00:09:29,602
But sometimes,
even in the middle of a war,
210
00:09:29,603 --> 00:09:34,607
there can blossom the tender
flower they call love.
211
00:09:36,810 --> 00:09:40,446
I was in the hospital after
being injured while doing
212
00:09:40,447 --> 00:09:43,817
routine maintenance on
a Jeep during the Battle
213
00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:45,418
of Bloody Ridge.
214
00:09:47,554 --> 00:09:48,822
Nurse?
215
00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:49,923
Nurse?
216
00:09:53,894 --> 00:09:56,396
Are you my nurse?
217
00:09:56,397 --> 00:09:57,698
Mm-hmm.
218
00:09:57,798 --> 00:09:59,264
Well, I just
wanted to tell you,
219
00:09:59,265 --> 00:10:02,336
somebody didn't set
up this IV right.
220
00:10:02,436 --> 00:10:05,638
See, an IV depends
on gravity to push
221
00:10:05,639 --> 00:10:07,508
the fluid through the tubing.
222
00:10:07,608 --> 00:10:10,743
So you have to hang your fluid
supply at least three feet
223
00:10:10,744 --> 00:10:13,513
above the patient's heart or
you won't have enough pressure
224
00:10:13,514 --> 00:10:16,583
for the fluid to fully
infuse into the vein.
225
00:10:16,584 --> 00:10:19,952
Now, somebody probably
told you to get more flow,
226
00:10:19,953 --> 00:10:22,221
all you need to do
is loosen that clamp.
227
00:10:22,222 --> 00:10:25,358
And sure, that'll raise your
drip rate up to a point,
228
00:10:25,359 --> 00:10:28,394
but at the end of the day,
what's going to get it done
229
00:10:28,395 --> 00:10:32,398
is gravitational pressure.
230
00:10:32,399 --> 00:10:35,135
And what happened
to that nurse?
231
00:10:35,235 --> 00:10:38,204
Well, I made her my wife.
232
00:10:38,205 --> 00:10:39,506
Mm-hmm.
233
00:10:39,606 --> 00:10:41,407
But that's a tale
for the next "
234
00:10:41,408 --> 00:10:43,142
"Tom Anderson's War Stories."
15875
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