Original subtitles

♪ MTV ♪

Took you long enough, dumbass.

Where's our nachos?

I didn't get nachos, Butt-Head.

I got this instead.

Yeah, see?

Check it out.

What did you do that for, butthole?

I wanted nachos. - I don't know.

I just saw these, and, um, I've never had them before,

you know, and they looked pretty good.

Damn it, Beavis.

Well, let me try them, and I'll deal with you later.

That's what I'm talking about, mm-hmm.

Good stuff, yeah.

Excellent.

God damn it, Beavis.

These things are terrible.

They're like vegetables or something.

No, no, no, they're really good.

Yeah, mmm.

Yeah, it's great how they, um, kind of make your lips tingle.

You know what I'm saying?

See?

Uh, no, they don't.

Yeah, they do.

I can barely feel my lips at all.

Yeah, delicious.

Uh, Beavis?

Yeah?

What?

Mmm, so good.

Uh, you, like, got ugly or something.

I mean, you were always pretty ugly, though, so,

never mind, I guess.

Butt-Head, can you help me get these nuts out of here?

My hands don't fit in the can anymore for some reason.

Oh, well.

I guess I'll just pour them in there.

Mm-hmm.

Tastes so good, my tongue's getting big.

It's just filling up my entire...

my entire throat.

It's filling your entire what?

Beavis, you ugly son of a bitch.

How am I supposed to know what you're talking about

if I can't understand a word you're saying?

Mmm.

So good.

Uh-- oh, well.

Now I'll never know what his tongue was filling up.

I'm gonna go get some nachos.

♪ I met a guy in the summer ♪

♪ And I left him in the spring ♪

♪ He argued with me about everything ♪

♪ He had an ego and a temper and a wandering eye ♪

♪ He said he's 6 foot 2 ♪

Huh.

Some of these girls look like Olivia Rodrigo, you know?

Like that one.

See, and that one.

See what I'm saying?

Uh, they're all Olivia Rodrigo, dumbass.

Whoa, really?

Now, see, her putting herself in this video

over and over again like that, it's

like taking jobs away from, like, 20 other hot chicks.

It's not fair.

Yeah, really.

It's messed up.

You know, it's hard enough for hot chicks to get jobs.

I mean, just look around.

They never seem to be working.

That's right.

Because hot chicks have a "smegma"

attached to them or something.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Because society has "smegmatized" them.

And then they have to, like, be a hot chick for, like,

50 years just to afford a house.

That's right, Beavis.

And hot chicks take the jobs that most Americans

aren't willing to do.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Job.

You know-- you know, in all seriousness, you know,

if I, like, had a clone, I'm pretty

sure I could kick his ass.

Yeah.

The only thing you'd beat is your meat.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Wait a second.

I just thought of something else.

So like, if I had a clone and then the clone sat on his hand

until it was numb, and then he spanked my monkey,

then it would feel like someone else, yeah.

Damn it, Beavis.

You're a genius.

We got to get cloned.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, as soon as possible.

Now, you went into what's called anaphylactic shock.

You're lucky it only took an hour for someone to find you

and call 911.

Yeah, that's cool, yeah.

I think you may have had an adverse reaction to nuts.

Yeah, nut.

Yeah, I like to nut, you know.

It's one of my passions.

You know what I'm saying?

Nut.

Now, did you have any nuts today?

As a matter of fact, I did.

It was in the shower.

You know, I kind of use the shower curtain

and some conditioner, you know.

Huh.

How often are you having nuts?

Oh, I don't know.

Sometimes, like, four or five nuts a day or something.

And when you have a nut, how do you feel?

Oh, I mean, you know, good.

That's why I do it. Yeah.

Interesting.

These questions are weird.

I'm afraid what's happening here

is you're allergic to nuts.

What?

It appears to be a very serious nut allergy.

And I'm going to need you to cut out nuts altogether.

No way.

Are you serious?

Very.

If you have another nut, you could die.

No!

No!

You're going to be OK as long as you are

very careful to avoid nuts.

OK, can I have a nut if it's with a chick?

Absolutely not.

This sucks!

What if I nut on accident 'cause-- 'cause Megan Pisarchik

bends over or something?

Look, you just have to be very careful.

I would avoid even touching a nut.

I don't want to do that.

That's disgusting!

If it makes you feel any better,

I'm allergic to nuts myself.

And I haven't had a nut for over 20 years.

Why would that make me feel better?

That you're a wuss?

God damn it!

It drives my wife crazy because she loves nuts but

can't have them in the house.

This is the worst day of my life!

Damn it!

Butt-Head,

I can never spank my monkey again.

And I can never score or I will die.

Uh, really?

Yes, it's true.

Uh, then I guess your nads are only

good for one thing, Beavis.

What's that?

Ahh! Why do they still have to hurt?

I wish we could wear our skirts shorter.

Don't even look, Beavis, unless you want to die.

Just keep walking.

It's the only way to survive.

Hey, are you OK?

Your name is Baxter, right?

Eh, it doesn't matter.

I just joined the Highland Teen Outreach Program,

and you look like you might be depressed.

Yeah.

The doctor gave me some very bad news.

Very bad.

Oh, no.

The same thing happened to my aunt because she smoked.

Your aunt can't spank her monkey?

Baxter, I just want you to know if you need support,

Teen Outreach is here for you.

Boi-oi-oi. No!

No! Help! Help!

I don't want to die! No, no!

I'm sorry I got a boner.

No!

Help!

Well, Beavis, you almost died five times today.

Oh, boy.

Every day for the rest of your life

is going to be like this.

You have nothing to live for.

No way, Butt-Head!

There's still, like, things I can enjoy.

Like, mixed nuts are good.

Yeah, yeah.

They never hurt anybody, you know?

Oh, yeah.

Those weren't so bad after all.

Tasty.

Uh-- oh, well.

More for me.

Pretty good.

War is hell.

That's what they tell you.

But sometimes, even in the middle of a war,

there can blossom the tender flower they call love.

I was in the hospital after being injured while doing

routine maintenance on a Jeep during the Battle

of Bloody Ridge.

Nurse?

Nurse?

Are you my nurse?

Mm-hmm.

Well, I just wanted to tell you,

somebody didn't set up this IV right.

See, an IV depends on gravity to push

the fluid through the tubing.

So you have to hang your fluid supply at least three feet

above the patient's heart or you won't have enough pressure

for the fluid to fully infuse into the vein.

Now, somebody probably told you to get more flow,

all you need to do is loosen that clamp.

And sure, that'll raise your drip rate up to a point,

but at the end of the day, what's going to get it done

is gravitational pressure.

And what happened to that nurse?

Well, I made her my wife.

Mm-hmm.

But that's a tale for the next "

"Tom Anderson's War Stories."