Original subtitles

♪ MTV ♪

Another way to deter attackers

is by using personal defense devices such as pepper spray.

I happen to have some.

Hmm. I swore it was in here.

It couldn't have just walked away.

Hey, Butt-Head.

What's that stuff we took from the Army guy?

Uh, let's see.

Uh...

Ma--

mass--

mass-ay?

Macé.

It must be from France or something.

Yeah, cool.

Monsieur!

Mon soir.

Uh, hmm.

So it's like a little spray bottle from France.

And that cool Army guy had it.

And he looked like he scores.

Whoa, Beavis, this must be cologne.

Yeah, yeah.

Um, what's cologne?

You spray it all over you and then when chicks smell it,

they want to, like, uh, get busy.

Cool! I wanna try it. Yeah.

Maybe I'll score, yeah.

Whoa.

No, that's not it.

I can't find the spray hole.

Let's see.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Wait, Beavis, stop.

What is it? What?

You said hole.

Oh, yeah.

I guess I did.

Yeah, thanks, Butt-Head.

That was close.

Now, where was I?

Damn it, Beavis.

Stop hogging it.

- Oh, my God. - Butthole.

Give me that.

Oh, Butt-Head.

Is cologne supposed to hurt?

Yeah, dumbass.

That's how you know it's working.

Yeah, but my face feels all hot and stuff.

And--and it hurts to see things.

Well, nobody said scoring was going to feel good.

Oh, yeah, that's true.

I'm gonna score no matter how much it sucks.

Ow!

What was that?

- I don't know. - That was a scream.

What happened? What happened?

See, all of you were talking to a devil.

We are going to be spending the entire night

inside this haunted location.

We are going to be spending the entire night

in this haunted location.

All right, so this was John Stutt's house.

I guess no one told them there's

no such thing as ghosts.

I don't know, Butt-Head.

I saw a ghost once in the middle of the night

when I was a kid, and he told me

that I didn't see him and not to tell anyone.

And then when I woke up, all my mom's pills were gone.

They didn't just disappear on their own.

Uh, OK, Beavis.

What we do know is that John himself

died in here in a chair.

We don't have the chair anymore.

So he died in the living room here.

In the living room.

So he died in the living room.

Was he spanking any type of an animal?

Say, a monkey, perhaps?

This place is haunted with all the girls

he'll never score with.

She's like, if you look in that mirror

and say "I've never scored" three times,

no chicks will appear.

We're gonna leave the camera rolling here, though.

Probably the camera I'm holding.

And we're gonna leave the in here.

He's like, um, if there are any hot chicks in here,

please make yourself known at this time, OK?

I left a kickball here for you

in case you and your friends want to have some fun.

It's my favorite sport.

The fridge is first base.

You know--

you know, I've never made it to first base.

With a chick or in kickball.

Interesting fact, yeah.

I can catch the kickball pretty good

if you kick it right to me.

- Curtis! - Whoa.

Yeah, I think it did say my name right there.

He's like, you're wrong, Curtis.

No woman will ever say your name.

And you're here somewhere for us?

The ghost is like, tonight,

you will be visited by three ghosts.

the ghost of you're never gonna score past,

the ghost of you're never gonna score present,

and the ghost of you're never gonna score yet to come.

Only then will you understand the true meaning

of you're never gonna score.

What was that? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

There is, like, a figure. It's jumping on you.

- Whoa. - Really?

The ghost is spanking his monkey.

Eh, I think he's just, like, pointing to his schlong.

He's like, heh, yeah, here it is.

See that?

Yeah, I got your spirit swinging.

Come on.

Come on, you dorks.

You don't have to have bones to have a boner.

Hey, look at that, huh?

There's two of 'em?

What are they doing?

The time to sleep alone is every time for this dude.

Uh, unexplained bang?

I tell you, if this guy bangs anything,

it's definitely gonna be unexplained.

You know what I'm saying? He's a dork, this guy.

This is it, Beavis.

We're finally going to score,

all thanks to our secret weapon of massay.

You know, a lot of guys complain about not scoring.

Well, we're going to do something about it.

You know, um, my face is starting to feel a little bit

better now--

Uh--

Now we are ready.

Ugh.

Ow.

Eh, ow.

Ugh.

Butt-Head, is it working?

I can't see anything.

Uh, yeah.

The chicks are already all over me.

Hey, baby.

First time at the mall?

Yeah, that's cool, that's cool.

Ah!

Ow.

Ow.

Damn it.

That chick was all stuck-up or something.

Yeah, I haven't scored yet either.

This sucks.

I think you're not wearing enough cologne,

and it's, like, messing up my game.

You know, Butt-Head, actually, I'm not sure

I want any more of that--

Whoa, check it out.

There's a new nachos place at the food court.

We should go eat there after we score.

Ow!

Get up, dumbass.

How are you supposed to get chicks lying on the floor?

Sorry, sorry.

Hello, ladies.

Ow, ow!

[Kameron Marlowe's "Tequila Talkin'"

♪ But I had to come over and ask your name ♪

Ugh. Oh, boy.

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, hmm.

That bartender's like, uh, miss?

The stubby-fingered gentleman over there

wants to talk to you.

He's also the only other gentleman

in this entire resort.

It's actually not safe to be here, ma'am.

There have been several incidents of creepy guys

buying girls shots of tequila

and then taking them out on a boat,

so be very careful.

♪ That ain't the tequila talkin' ♪

It's not the tequila talking.

But pretty soon,

it's gonna be the police talking.

♪ Ain't the tequila talking ♪

You know, they make a pretty cute couple,

you know, except for him.

She's like, uh, hey, I'm in my bikini.

Why don't you take your shirt off?

And he's like, uh, I'm good.

Yeah, I'm good. Maybe-- how about some more tequila?

She's like, uh,

how much longer does this video shoot go?

Yeah, 'cause, I mean, I'm acting my ass off.

Come on.

I'm playing the woman

who would ever touch you in a million years.

And it ain't easy.

♪ Ain't the tequila talking ♪

Damn it, Beavis.

We're all out of massay 'cause you used it all.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Sorry about that.

We gotta, like, find some more.

Hey, we need some French cologne.

Yeah, um, do you have Massoi?

Would you like to sample this one?

It's very nice.

Uh, OK.

Uh, this cologne doesn't work.

It doesn't hurt at all.

That's right, yeah. It does not hurt, yeah.

Damn it. This sucks.

Nice try ripping us off, butthole.

I don't know, Butt-Head.

I mean, it smells kind of good, you know?

Like a tree or something.

Damn it, Beavis.

Chicks don't want a guy who smells like a tree.

Chicks want a smell that says,

"I'm willing to pay the price to score."

Oh, yeah, yeah, right.

Yeah, the smell of pain.

Yeah.

There must be a way that we can get more massay

out of this stupid can.

Uh, let's see.

Uh, goo-fur--

words.

Uh, he-ah--hea--heat.

I think they want us to, like,

heat it up or something.

Yeah, yeah. Fire, yeah.

Fire, yeah.

Well, that ought to do it.

Yeah, this was a really smart idea, Butt-Head.

Whoa, cool.

Yeah, yeah. Fire!

There it is, yeah.

On the floor!

Uh, can you buttholes shut up?

We're trying to put on some cologne.

Whoa.

They're spraying us with massay!

Make sure you get some in my eyes.

Ah!