Original subtitles

[laughing]

My turn.

[making flatulent sound]

[laughs]

[making flatulent sound]

[laughs]

Wait, wait, wait.

[making loud flatulent sound]

[laughing]

I had no idea homework could be so funny.

It's suicide.

I don't care, I'm going in.

♪ Yes, no, maybe

♪ I don't know

♪ Can you repeat the question?

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big

♪ Life is unfair.

Guess what.

I just got back from the doctor.

My spine is curved!

How bad? No gym for two years.

This is brilliant.

I wonder if my third nipple can get me out of wrestling.

DABNEY: It's worth a shot.

Here comes...

her royal...

bitchiness.

Cynthia just got back from a semester in New York

and she's totally changed.

She always used to be so happy.

Now it's like she's given up on life.

She's bitter and sarcastic.

I mean, I could pull it off,

but on her it's really unpleasant.

Malcolm, can you ask your lemmings to move the herd

an inch to the left so I could get past?

I'm sorry, did you say "inch"?

Don't you mean 2.54 centimeters?

Or .254 decimeters?

Or 25.4 million nanometers?

Come on, guys, stop teasing her.

You stink at it.

Don't defend her, Malcolm.

If I wanted this kind of abuse,

I'd have a conversation with my oboe teacher.

She's... dead... to us.

Hey, are you okay?

What are you talking about? What do you mean?

Well, you've been acting kind of strange lately.

Malcolm, look around you

and reconsider your definition of strange.

Over 12% deviation from vertical.

Fair enough.

Dad, look how high my kite is.

Oh, that's great, son.

That's terrific.

You want to try?

Uh, no.Why not?

I don't like kites.

What do you mean you don't like kites?

I don't like kites and they don't like me.

We-we just don't get along.

You'd like it if you tried it.

Come on. Just try it.

Hold the string.

[Hal groaning]

[yelps]

Hey, Lois.

Karen, what are you doing out there?

Come on in.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to lurk.

I was working up the nerve to talk to you.

Are you okay?

You look different.

I'm sober.

Oh.

Yeah, after I drove across that miniature golf course,

they made me get into a 12-step program, so...

Good for you.

Yeah, thanks. I'm doing really great.

Anyway, I'm up to the part

where I'm supposed to make amends

to the people that I've hurt.

What did you ever do to me?

Remember New Year's at Deb and Rich's

where everyone was kissing at midnight?

Yeah.

Well, when I kissed your husband,

I kind of... stuck my tongue in his mouth.

I mean, I felt really terrible.

And then after that

I put my cigarette out in Rich's toupee.

And those things go up so quickly, I had...

You were French-kissing my husband?

Don't be mad at him, Lois.

He pushed me away after like five or six seconds.

Well, it was definitely no more than ten.

And I'm sure the only reason

he was moving his tongue around

was because he was trying to say something.

That's enough, Karen.

I-I-I get it.

I'm sorry.

[Karen sighing]

Now I have to go over to Stephanie's

and tell her she can take down those lost dog posters.

Come on, Francis.

It's Friday night.

Can we please go out and get hammered?

Is getting drunk all you ever think about?

I mean, look at us.

We work like dogs all day.

We drink and then we work like hungover dogs.

Is this really how you pictured your life?

Ever since I was little.

Why, what'd you picture?

I don't know.

There's just got to be more to life

than getting falling-down drunk

and behaving like a jackass.

[laughing]

Just looky what we found.

You stole a totem pole?No, no, no,

he asked to come with us.

He hasn't shut up for an hour.

You can't leave this here.

People worship these things.

It's like a sacred object.

Do I have something in my teeth?

Be honest.[laughing]

What is wrong with you people?!

You see a symbol of a world

beyond scraping grease, and your first thought is,

let's profane it in our cabin?

Don't you have any respect for anything?!

Look, a penny.

It's mine!

I saw it first!

[arguing continues]

CYNTHIA: Is my coffee ready yet?

I can't believe you only have instant.

I'm sorry our "Fol-gérs" isn't up to your standards.

And I'd be a little more impressed

with your coffee-drinking sophistication

if you weren't wearing a kitty sweater.

I'm supposed to take style tips

from someone who keeps track of wrestling feuds.

You know, ever since you've been back,

you've been mean to everyone.

I know you think you're better than us.

Even if that's true,

it doesn't give you the right

to be nasty.

If you keep this up,

you're not going to have any friends.

You think you know what everybody's problem is?

Well, guess what, you don't.

You think you're so smart and together

and that no one notices what an unhappy little person

you are.

I'm sorry.

I'm not going to stroke

your fragile ego by confiding in you.

Oh, yeah?

Well, you're on fire.

[screaming]

[gasps]

Mommy.

CYNTHIA: How could you do that to me?

You were on fire. I was just trying to help.

How does yelling, "Oh, my God,

where did those come from?" help?

I'm sorry.

It just...

you scared me.

They scared me.

I mean, they don't scare me.

They startled me. I...

I hate this.

Everyone looks at me like you did.

Like I'm some kind of freak.

I was surprised, that's all.

It's just really different.

I mean, I would react the same way

if you had a new haircut.

A giant haircut.

No one can know about this.

You can't tell anyone!

What are you talking about?

Promise me.But...

Promise.

All right. All right.

I promise.

Come on. You're fine.

This is just a change on the outside.

I mean, inside you're the same.

If you give people a chance, they'll see that.

Will you stop staring at them?

Am... am I staring?

Dad, I've been thinking

about how to fix your kite problem.

I don't have a kite problem.

It's okay, Dad.

Maybe we could start

with you explaining why you hate kites.

Let me try it. I want to try.

Fine. Here, jerk.

[gasps]

Help me! Help!

I just do! There doesn't need to be a reason.

[clicking tongue]

Doesn't Dewey ever have any homework?

He seems to have

an awful lot of time on his hands.

Something wrong?Yesterday I had

the most interesting conversation with Karen.

She's in this program

where you have to apologize to your loved ones,

and it got me thinking...

do I have anything that I need to apologize for?

Okay, by you, you mean me.

And since you're phrasing it as a question,

it means you already know the answer.

Karen told me that you French-kissed her

on New Year's Eve.

What? I did not.

I can't believe it.

You-You're actually accusing me of this?

Why would Karen lie?

Why would Ilie?

Lois, for the past 20 years

yours has been the only tongue

that's been in my mouth.

Now, you're just going to have to believe that.

I don't lie.

So, are we going to fly kites tomorrow?

Sorry, son, I have to testify at a murder trial.

But darn it, you're my son

and I want to go to the park with you.

Thanks, Dad.

The kids don't count.

Hal, it wouldn't be such a big deal

if you would just admit it.

Oh, come on, Lois.

What possible reason would I have to kiss Karen?

You're a man.

What is that supposed to mean?

You have been with the same woman all these years.

It's only natural to be a little... curious.

About what?

You mean to tell me,

after all these years of marriage,

you've never even so much as thought about another woman?

What are you talking about?

If you are just going to be ridiculous,

there is no point in carrying on this conversation.

But you are on notice.

Wait! I want to talk to you!

You are unhappy.

Yes, I am.

Why?

I think I may have ruined my life.

I left my family and friends to come up here.

I was supposed to be finding myself,

but all I feel is empty.

I have the answer to your suffering, Francis.

The answer is...

PETE: Francis!

Oh.

Who was that spiky-head kid

that was friends with Little Lulu?

What?

Ah, don't worry.

Maybe it'll come to you if you sleep on it, hmm?

Everything's ready.

The kite tail is set.

It's a windy day.

Now, say it.

I am not cursed.

Good. Now, run

and don't stop until it's in the air.

I am not cursed. I am not cursed.

[whimpering]

[angry chatter]

Come on, get out of the field.

Oh, excuse me.

Sorry.

[laughing]

It's flying! It's flying!

[grunts]

[nasal laughter]

I can't believe

you guys threw refrigerator magnets at Dabney's back brace.

Come on. It was great.

He was walking around all day

with "Florida is for Lovers" on his back.

[laughing shrilly]

That laugh is so not cute.

I'm sorry my laugh isn't as melodious

as your lovely, cracking voice.

"My name's Malcolm.

I have all the answers, but no one to listen to me."

Oh, that's funny.

[laughs and snorts]

[laughing]

This was fun.

Hi, Reese.

What a pig.

What? What happened to your friend?

She was never that great, but now, geez.

It's like she's trying to be ugly.

Shut up. Someone should tell her

she's not in Euro-pee-uh anymore.

In America we take showers.

Drop it, Reese. She doesn't smell.

Well, she dresses like a bag lady.

Oh, oh, I know.

Her butt is gigantic, and she's trying to hide it.

This is so great.

I have so much material for that.

I have a "wide load" sticker

and I can make the truck noise when she backs up.

Beep, beep, beep...

Reese, when exactly is she going to back up?

You're right.

Okay, when's her lunch period?

I think I'll sneak in and throw bacon at her.

Then she'll back up.

Beep, beep, beep...

Look, moron, she's not hiding her butt.

She's hiding her big boobs, okay?

So, if you tease her, you're just going to look like a...

You are a good, good brother.

No.

I lied. Her butt ishuge.

I think it helped Cynthia

to tell me what was bothering her.

She's been in a much better mood at school.

She even stuck her homework up on Dabney's back.

[screams]

What are you doing?!Algebra.

What did he say to you?

Malcolm, calm down.

I'm just helping him with his homework.

You know Reese doesn't care about school.

That's what Ithought,

but when he asked me for help,

he sounded so pathetic, I couldn't say no.

How are you doing on number five?

Awful. I'm never going to get this.

I'm such an idiot.

No, you're not.

Everyone says I'm an idiot all the time.

Well, he is.

Malcolm!

It's not his fault.

Someone at some point decided I was dumb,

and that's all anyone ever sees of me.

Why do they always focus on one detail?

They can never look at the whole person.

I don't know.

Francis, man, Lavernia's going to kill you

if you miss another shift.

Let her. I'm not walking away from this totem pole right now.

Not when I'm this close to figuring out

what it is it's trying to tell me.

Have you even eaten anything?

No. I'm fasting.

It helps my meditation.

I can't explain it, but there's some kind

of an energy running through this thing.

It gave me that dream.

It's trying to help me get to something.

That's it. We're getting rid of this thing,

and we're putting you back on corn dogs and porn

for your own safety.

[grunts]

Back away from the pole.

So... you guys want to go...

shoot some eagles?

Nothing else to do.

What are you going

to do to her?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Okay, I've been dying to tell someone.

Malcolm, I'm going to see them.

What?I'm going to be nice to her,

make her my girlfriend, and get her to take her top off.

You're crazy.

That's what Ithought at first,

but I've got it all figured out.

I've been working on this for days.

Tomorrow I'll reveal an embarrassing secret

that makes her feel trusted.

Friday I'll sneak a kiss and then apologize.

Three days later I actually ask her out,

she catches me crying, make-out session,

she discovers a love letter in my back pocket,

heavier make-out session, all culminating in March 8:

Double-D Day.

You're pure evil!

Who's more evil?

Me or the person who told me?

You!Yeah, but you'dstill be in trouble.

I bet she'd never forgive you.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go make a mix tape.

Okay, so we had a little setback,

but don't give up.

[howling]: Oh, forget it!

I'm sick of this!

I hate kites!

I have always hated kites!

Dad, don't freak out in front of the other kids.

No! I'm never going to get this

and I don't want to!

You can't just give up.

I can give up whenever I want to, and I give up!

That's it!

I'm tired of your attitude.

I'm going home.

Dewey! Dewey, come back here.

It's too far for you to walk.

Oh!

Dewey!

Dewey, stop!

Dewey!

Don't you ever run away like that again!

There's something on the back of your pants.

[laughs]

I'm flying a kite!

I'm flying a kite!

Lois, I did it!

I did it!

I actually flew a kite!

I can't believe I actually thought these were evil.

I love this kite.

Why don't you kiss it?

Oh, for God's sake.

Are you still obsessing about that?

I want a straight answer out of you.

Lois, I swear,

from the moment I laid eyes on you,

you were the only woman in the world for me.

So you mean to tell me

that unlike any other man alive,

you don't even have a glancing interest

for other women?

You and you alone stand outside the dictates

of millions of years of evolution?

Why is that so hard for you to believe?

Because I look at other men!

Not seriously

and I would never do anything about it,

but, God, Hal, I notice.

And if you don't, it means that...

...it means that you love me

more than I love you.

Well, honey, that's always been true.

Of course I love you more.

And you're okay with that?

Oh, yeah.

I mean, think about it.

If you loved me as much as I loved you,

we'd never leave the bedroom.

Nothing would get done.

We'd die of starvation.

[chuckling]: I love you!

Oh...

Not as much as I love you.

I have fasted, I have meditated,

I got frostbite spending a night in the wilderness.

I just want to know what to do.

What am I missing?

Okay, let's see, there's a wolf.

What's that?

Loyalty.

And the eagle.

Keen insight. Insight.

And the frog is...

bug-eating.

But what does it have to do with anything?!

Please, just give me a sign or-or a signal or-or something!

Oh, my God!

You the dirtbag that took my pole? Huh?

That's my pole.

I want it back.

Oh, of course.

I'm so sorry.

Look, I didn't take it, but, please, I'm going crazy.

Can you tell me what it means?

Well, if I hit it,

it means I'm five inches away from the back of my carport.

What?! You use this as a wheel stop?

This beautiful, sacred thing?

Sacred? It's a decoration.

You know, like a coat of arms or a storybook.

It's a pretty chunk of wood that my kids helped me carve

on a nice Saturday afternoon.

But you can't tell me that you can't feel the energy...!

You white boys are all the same.

I've got dark skin, so I must dance with the bears

and listen to the spirit of the wind.

I've got news for you.

I work for a living.

I'm a Baptist, and I'm proud of it.

But...

are you sure?

And by the way, I have only one word for snow:

snow.

[girl giggling]

No!

Stop!

Malcolm...

Don't do this. He's not who you think he is.

I didn't want to tell you,

but the only reason

Reese has shown any interest in you

is because I told him you have big breasts.

What?It just happened.

I'm really sorry.

But he only wants you for your boobs.

Stop saying that!

He planned all this.

I can prove it.

He wrote it all down.

This isn't it.

Where's your real calendar?

That ismy calendar.

All the proceeds went to an animal shelter.

He's just using you.

And what's worse is you're falling for it.

Leave me alone!

You heard her!

But...

What's her name?

What?

What's... her... name?

I know what her name is.

And I am not going to dignify that with a response.

I know what her name is, and her name... is...

Uh...

[groans]

How can you be so creepy?!

Don't you even have

the remotest sense of decency

towards a fellow human being?

I have feelings!

I will be treated with respect![Reese yelling]

I will not be objectified!

I will not be humiliated or demeaned!

Now kiss my shoe!

[Reese screams]

Kiss... my... shoe!

HAL: The private says,

"But, General, I didn't touch your toast!"

[both laughing]

[snorts]

So, Cynthia,

something's different about you.

Did you get

a haircut?

Oh, very stylish.

[chuckling]

LOIS: Cynthia,

did you like Europe?

I did.

I forget sometimes

that there's a whole world out there

that's not full of prurient, adolescent boys.

There's sophisticated people

who treat me nicely and keep their mouths shut.

I get it. Oh...

Yes?

Is-Is Lois here?

Honey? Oh, my God.

Are you Lois' husband?

Uh-huh.

So, who is married to the bald guy

with the earring?

That's Donna.

Darn it! I thought that was one house I didn't have to go to.

Excuse me.

Oh, yeah, and by the way,

I lived in your house

while you were on vacation last month.

We didn't go on vacation.Darn it!