Original subtitles

Previously on Malcolm in the Middle!

It's a company picnic.

Attended by my new boss whom I haven't met yet.

I really like this girl.

Please don't be a jerk and screw this up.

Laurie, hi.

It is so good to see you.

Just keep moving.

Hal, do you even know your new boss is here?

Are you kidding? They're all here. There's Landon.

He's the head of the whole company.

I woke up the next morning with the dog licking my face.

And I actually thought it was my husband.

I'm going to go see what my boys...

It is a real pleasure to meet you, Mr. Landon.

Same here.

You're playing girls?

Well, the men won't play us

till we beat their ladies team.

You're responsible for these valuables till after the game.

The other coach wants to make a little wager with you.

I don't know what's with my skates.

The blades are so dull.

Hey, somebody unscrewed mine.

If you liked somebody, would you say something?

I like you, too, Laurie.

Oh, my God. What?

I was talking about Gary Spindler.

Now remember, you're only gonna be tied together for three hours,

so let's get hopping.

* Yes, no, maybe

* I don't know

* Can you repeat the question?

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* Life is unfair.

Wow, these are nice woods.

Come on, Malcolm, we're still friends.

We can still have fun, right?

Why don't you help me with this clue?

"North of the fork and up a small hill,

under a joke without 'J' is a small yellow bill."

This doesn't make any sense.

You'd think these clues would make sense.

Gary Spindler?

Malcolm.

Just tell me what you see in that jerk.

He high-fives people

when they decide what they want on their pizza.

He still says, "It's da bomb."

"Hi, I'm Gary Spindler. I have a laser pointer."

I think he's nice.

And can we just concentrate on the scavenger hunt?

We're going to fall behind if we don't figure this out.

It's a stupid yellow duck

under that oak tree right there.

Joke without "J"-- oke, oak tree.

The fork was just back there.

Wow, you were right.

That was great, Malcolm.

You know, you're really good at this.

Yes, I am.

I have a lot of other good qualities, too.

In fact, there's lots of things people would like about me

if they gave me half a chance.

Can we just do this?

Fine.

Okay, clue number two.

"Look for this gem on an overgrown hem,

stay to your right or it might take all night."

For God's sakes, Gary Spindler?!

Whoo!

What's going on out there?!

We're down by two goals.

I don't know. I can't get any speed with these skates.

Well, get them sharpened.

I already had Francis sharpen them twice.

(coughing in rhythm with sawing)

Besides, that number 32 is amazing.

She's a monster.

She's crippled our whole front line.

Whoo!

(giggling)

Sorry to take you away from your family, Mr. Landon.

Listen, about this whole Mr. Landon thing...

I know. I know, Burt.

Listen, Burt, I need your help.

The cubicle dwellers are getting a little restless.

Oh...

Apparently they know about my reputation for downsizing.

I thought you could, uh, I don't know,

shoot them a little B.S. to calm them down.

Well, actually, I...

Great. Hey, everybody!

I know

there are some concerns here.

So I brought Mr. Landon over

to put your minds at ease.

Now remember, he's taking time away from his family,

so not too many questions.

This is beautiful.

Hey, Phil, Mr. Landon over here

would like to put our minds at ease.

Isn't that right, Burt?

Hal?

Burt. Albert. Halbert. Hal... you know...

I'm sensing

a lot of confusion here.

But the key word to keep in mind is loyalty.

When you're worried

about your job, it's very tempting

to make a fellow coworker look bad,

but who really cares if someone's wife's an alcoholic?

Or that someone has a certain unnatural attraction

to women's shoes?

The important thing is, we're in this together.

And remember, nobody likes a snitch.

So, let's have a great picnic, huh?

(chuckles slightly)

"North of the fork and up a small hill,

under a joke without 'J' is a small yellow bill."

I don't see a fork, but I saw a broken spoon.

Shut up. I'm trying to think of a joke

without a lot of Js in it.

Ooh, I found a cup.

You're supposed to look for a fork.

You know, a fork?

The little thing with... things. Geez!

You go. I'll stay here.

We have to go together.

We're tied to each other, you idiot.

(groans)

(groans)

(yells)

BOY: Cool, we got it.

Five more and we win.

(whimpering)

Five more and we win.

You're a genius.

Thanks.

You're, uh... big.

(groans)

Whoo!

Yeah! Hey, Lavernia, looks like we're going to make it

nine years in a row!

Maybe we should put some of our

pregnant girls in there and make it more of a game.

Now, who-who is that helping?

All that's going to do is make her feel bad,

plus now all our pregnant girls

are going to want to get in the game.

Number 32 is killing us!

Looks like it's time for a little strategy.

Whoo, whoo, whoo.

(player groaning)

Whoo-hoo!

(groaning)

MAN: Eric!

ALL: Yeah!

(cheering)

Now let's play some hockey!

You were amazing out there.

I would have never found those kids without you.

You know something?

Together we make the perfect three-legged person.

I wish we could stay like this forever.

Yeah.

Wait a minute.

Why can't we?

There's people that do surgeries.

You're the smartest guy I've ever met.

Thanks, buddy.

Come on, we got to find that fork.

He... I... But... He...!

What did I tell you?

You sit in that chair until the picnic is over.

Excuse me. Are you Lois?

Yes. Where do you get off

talking to my wife about my mother?

Look... I'll have you know

that I wet my bed every night till I was 16,

and my mother changed those sheets for years

and never said a word.

I don't care if they don't get along.

My mother's important to me.

Hey, I never said anything about your mother.

And by the way, I don't have a porn problem.

Did she tell you that she was the one

to introduce it into our home?

You know, I don't have any interest in your...

It was her idea, and now I'm the pervert.

I don't know what it is about porn.

Maybe it's the safety of emotional distance

or maybe it's just the thrill of...

All right, that's it!

If you're going to make me do this,

we're going to do this.

Now sit down!

Your problem is you both see yourselves as victims.

You've got to talk to each other.

There's a certain thing called give and take

you need to make a relationship work.

Do you understand?

Yes.

I'm not finished with you!

Now, if you are going to make this work,

you have to make sure

that you are home every night at 6:30.

Not 6:35. Not 6:31.

You have got to create an atmosphere of trust.

(cheering)

(grunting)

Go, go!

Yeah!

(all cheering)

(blows whistle)

Hey, I'm starting to think

we might actually win this thing.

Damn right we will.

I got 600 bucks riding on it.

Francis, what are you doing out here?

You're a man short.

Where's Amos?

He ran out of here, screaming something about

government helicopters and murderous clones.

AMOS: Hello? Is anybody there?

Don't worry. I'll cover for him.

All right. You're a good man, Francis.

Hey, I'm just doing what anybody would do.

(groans)

Sorry.

Hey, look at this.

We're doing great.

You're so good at this.

Stop! What are you doing?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

So, just tell me

what's your big problem with me?

Malcolm. No, seriously.

I want to know.

Am I too short?

Am I too smart?

Malcolm, can we please drop this?

I'm smart, okay? Is that a crime?

I'm sorry I'm not a moron like Gary Spindler.

Malcolm, stop it.

What are you doing?

I want you to tell me why you don't like me.

Why are you doing this?

I want a straight answer.

God! I can't believe I liked you in the third grade.

You liked me in the third grade?

I knew it! I wasn't crazy. You did like me.

So, what the hell has changed? Tell me.

I defy you to tell me.

Nothing! That's the problem.

You're still the same

obsessive, whining know-it-all

who doesn't listen to anyone.

But you did like me in the third grade?

Malcolm, I don't like you.

Can you get that through your head?

Before...

I just didn't have a crush on you.

And now I can't stand you.

So, you want me to tell you why I don't like you?

You want me to tell you why I like nice, funny Gary Spindler

and absolutely despise bitter, annoying Malcolm, do you?!

Look... Well, I'm going tell you!

There is something wrong with you!

I don't know how you do it.

You're cute, smart, funny,

and somehow you manage to mess that up!

Like today,

it was an awkward situation

but it would have passed,

but you just kept picking at it and picking at it

until it turned into this big, horrible thing!

There is something wrong inside you!

There is something rotten

at the core of your personality!

You're just off!

That's not even the worst thing...

I... but... she...

I just opened my purse to get a Tic Tac,

and he dropped out of a tree on my back!

I am so sorry.

Now, you go and you sit down in that chair

and you put your head down!

Okay.

Did you straighten things out with Pratt?

Almost.

Oh, for God's sake, Hal, where is he?

I'll go talk to him.

No, no, no, no, no! It's too late now.

It would be awkward.

Hal, you work with the man. He's going to find out.

Look, it'll be, like, two seconds

of embarrassment and then it's over.

Now go!

Pratt, do you have a moment?

For you, Burt, of course.

You're fired. What?

I don't think it's working out,

so let's just make a clean break.

I haven't even started yet.

What could you possibly be basing this on?

My gut-- I didn't get this far without trusting my instincts.

I'm sorry, son.

I think it's best if you just leave the picnic now.

They have some sort of foil if you want to wrap that up.

(sobbing)

I'm so sorry, Malcolm. I just started talking

and I couldn't stop and I said all those mean things.

I didn't even mean half of them.

Who am I to say that your kids will be screwed up?

I mean, you might not even have kids.

Are you okay?

(blowing)

I think I can stop crying now.

Can you hand me more leaves?

Oh, Malcolm...

No, really, I'll be fine.

No, Malcolm, that's poison oak.

Of course it is.

(whistle blows)

Aw, geez, guys-- my bad.

How could I have done that?!

Ah, don't beat yourself up, buddy.

We all make mistakes.

Shake it off.

You're doing your best.

Eric, I'm doing terrible.

Why is everybody being so nice to me?

You're doing your best, man.

You're part of the team now.

Good or bad, we're in this together.

Okay, it looks like you boys

have all the items on the list here,

plus a wallet, a girl's bracelet and a fork.

Just give us the hundred bucks.

There you go.

Thanks.

Now, how about we separate you two?

I'll miss you.

Nice.

Mom, you don't have to hold on to me.

I'll be good.

Okay. Lois...

You don't have to thank me.

Let me just enjoy the rest of the picnic with my family.

You told my husband that I was insane?

You told him that I should be committed?

I didn't say that. And how does letting him

videotape us in bed help our marriage?

What?! I didn't tell...

Listen, lady, you got to stop this!

I don't have time for

my own family's problems

without listening to you two nutcases!

So, why don't you just...

I don't think you understood me.

(screaming)

Oh!

Ow!

Oh! (laughing)

(both grunting)

(gasping)

(crowd yells excitedly)

(crowd groans)

(crowd yells excitedly)

(crowd groans)

(crowd yells excitedly)

(crowd cheering)

Come on, buddy, this is it!

We can do this! Just get in there!

You know, I don't think I can...

Eric, there's something I got to tell...

Damn it, get up!

Do something!

No!

Eric, you okay?

(groaning): Someone took the cup out of my jock.

I'll be fine.

Just win this thing.

Now, just to be clear,

I'm not looking for anything long-term here.

*

*

(buzzer)

Yes!

(screaming)

(cheering)

Yeah!

You did it, man!

Way to go!

Let me collect my money

so we can treat Francis the way he deserves.

You know, there's a funny story about that money.

(laughing)

You boys did all right.

Yeah, it was pretty fun.

Hey, Francis, how you doing out there?

Well, cold!

Won't be much longer.

There's a kid's skating party in a half-hour!

(laughter)

Dewey!

(distant grunting)

Dewey, is that... Oh, my God!

(snarling)

Dewey, get away from there.

(snarls) (gasps)

All right, all right.

Everything's going to be all right.

Come on, baby.

Come to...

Mama!

Everything's going to be okay.

Everything's going to be okay.

Everything's going to be...

Who was that idiot who just pulled out

and flipped everyone off?

That's Pratt, sir.

He starts this week.

No, no, the only thing he starts this week

is a long lifetime of misery.

You have our friends at the IRS give him a call.

So maybe we can hang out sometime or something.

I mean, when you're better.

Oh, come on, Malcolm.

It's not that bad.

Give me a smile.

Are you smiling?

I can't tell.

I'm smiling.

(muffled grunts)

Well, that went better than expected.