Original subtitles

Mm, I'm starving.

What's for dinner?

Leftover parfait.

It's even worse than it sounds.

Once a week, Mom cleans out the fridge.

Anything that doesn't actually have something growing on it

gets thrown in a casserole and served for dinner.

Did we have spaghetti or Chinese food on Thursday?

Neither.

(grunting)

Ah-ah, no digging!

Sunday, Saturday, Friday...

It finally happened.

The fifth level of this week's leftover parfait

is last week's leftover parfait.

* Yes, no, maybe

* I don't know

* Can you repeat the question?

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* Life is unfair.

All right, everyone, these...

are your secret shopper evaluations,

and I'm going to be meeting

with each one of you individually this week

so we can discuss...

how we can make improvements.

Look forward to it, sir.

Secret shoppers?

They sent people in to spy on us?

What's next-- cavity searches on the loading dock?

Come on, Craig, it's no big deal.

Companies do this kind of thing all the time.

But it's not fair!

How can I be expected to work hard

if I don't even know they're watching me?

Craig, will you calm down?

Look, it's like a paragraph.

"Employee seemed very capable,

"efficient, polite.

Personal hygiene was questionable."

Questionable?

What are they talking about?

My hy...

"Slovenly"?

They think I'm slovenly?

You're right, Lois, this is ridiculous.

"Apathetic, lazy, overweight."

What planet are these people from?

I'm taking a fiver.

HAL: There's electricity in the air tonight, folks.

I'm open, I'm open!

We've been playing basketball with Dad since we

were old enough to walk. What are you going to do, Reese?

I'm open! What are you doing to do, huh?

(laughs)

Oh!

Yes, another basket for Hal!

He's on fire!

We're 0 and 342.

We're starting to get a little discouraged.

(cackling): Game point.

You take it out.

This is our last chance.

What do we do?

Give it to me.

Let's try another give-and-go.

Dewey, you run to the basket

and run around the pole.

Ooh, come on, baby.

That's it. DEWEY: Pass!

I'm open!

Oh, stolen by the Halinator.

He shoots...

He scores!

Hal-elujah!

Great game, boys.

Good hustle.

I hate this.

If I want to be humiliated, I can take a math test.

Wait a minute-- look.

Yeah.

Dewey, get away from my ball!

No-- he's making baskets.

He's never been able to do that before.

You're right.

That's how we're going to beat Dad.

With Dewey.

All right, which one of you filthy thieves

has been rooting through my undies?

What are you talking about?

I'm saying one of you went through my footlocker

and ate all my jerky.

It wasn't us, Artie.

Looks like a rat did it.

Yeah, look at those teeth marks.

Let's not jump to any conclusions.

Think about it logically.

If the rat was so filled up with Artie's jerky,

would he be chewing on Francis' pillow right now?

What?

Get him!

Die, vermin!

(whimpering)

(screams)

(muffled scream)

Wow.

Francis, you killed it.

And it did eat your jerky.

Okay, we've got you double-bagged

in paper and plastic.

That hair mousse that I recommended

is bagged separately with your other sundries

and I picked up your film at the photo counter.

Can I take this out to your car for you?

You don't have to do that for me.

Nonsense. That's my job here at Lucky Aide.

Oh!

(whispers): Pay it forward.

Hey, Lois.

Mr. Fisher,

I wanted to talk to you about

that secret shopper report.

I think that they must have come in on the day

that my son Dewey tried to cook his own breakfast,

and by the time I put out the fire...

Lois, this isn't personal.

Well, it's...

It's not like I'm...

Lois, there is nothing for you to freak out over.

And we have people in the company

with the skills and the experience to help you.

Wow, Lois, this is, like, going to be so fun!

Okay, let's try it one more time.

(Reese laughs) Yes.

Perfect. Dad won't have any idea what hit him.

He's going down.

You think he'll cry?

Oh, yeah. He'll cry.

You know, you have really pretty eyes.

You shouldn't hide them behind no makeup.

This is wrong.

I do my job.

I do my job well.

I dress appropriately and I am clean.

That should be enough.

Or you could be pretty.

Put your chin up.

What do they want from me?

I take care of three kids.

I run a house.

I work 38 hours a week

and they think I should look like some supermodel

just to ring up some guy's rash ointment?

You tell me how that's fair.

You know, Lois, it's okay to be scared of change.

I mean, my boyfriend freaked when I got my driver's license.

Don't worry.

I'll take good care of you.

(door closing)

Oh, God, Hal, you wouldn't believe

what happened to me at work today.

I had to spend five hours

with this stuff on my face in front of everybody!

I've never been so humiliated...

(birds chirping)

You're the most beautiful woman

that ever was or ever could be.

Hey, Francis,

I heard you killed a rat yesterday.

Is that right?

What?

Yes, sir. He's the one.

Good.

I, uh, I got a rat problem in my bunk.

I'd be much obliged if you took care of it.

Oh, I don't think...

He would be honored.

We both would.

Great.

What are you doing?

I don't know anything about killing rats.

Who cares? Do you like mopping?

Do you want to see what they start tracking in here

during bear season?

Come on, baby, bring it on.

You think I'm scared of you?

I changed your diapers.

Whoo-hoo.

Dewey, you made a basket.

Good for you!

(panting)

All right.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

What are you looking at?

*

(grunts)

Oww!

Sorry, son.

(grunts) Hey!

Whoa!

(whoops)

Rejected!

(laughing)

Good game, boys.

Good game?

You fouled us on every play.

Boys, part of the game

is learning how to lose gracefully.

I mean, if I've taught you anything

it's how to be a good sportsman, hmm?

I guess the rat could be coming out of this hole here.

What are you going to do?

We could try to lure him out.

Anyone have a cookie or anything?

(squeaking)

It worked. You did it.

I did.

Well, kill him.

Yes! He did it!

That was amazing, Francis.

You have the gift.

Hi, Lois.

I was at the coffee place

and just thought I'd pick you up a latte.

Thanks.

(indistinct announcement over P.A.)

What are you doing, Lois?

You shouldn't be lifting those heavy boxes.

I always do it.

I'll take care of it.

Hold it a second.

You've watched me pick up boxes

every day for four years.

Suddenly, now you want to help me?

Why?

I don't know... I just thought...

No, you look me in the face

and you tell me why.

I don't know.

I'm sorry.

I'm just going to go get lunch, okay?

Can I get you anything?

(low chatter)

How'd it go?

Well, Buzz, I don't want to bore you

with the technical details,

so let's just say that cabin 15

is once again rodent free.

(cheering)

Three cheers for Francis.

ALL: Hip-hip, hooray!

MAN: What are you fools cheering about?

You caught yourself a couple of tiny rats.

Whoop-dee-dee.

You ain't nothing

until you take out a real rat.

You ain't nothing until you dance in the moonlight

with Rose Marie.

(chuckling)

Who?

They ain't told you about Rose Marie, eh?

Well, she is the biggest, ugliest, meanest rat

north of Kotzebue.

Lives right here under this here building.

Come on, Rose Marie ain't real.

Yeah, she's just a creepy old myth

like the Stonehenge or boxing kangaroos.

She's as real as you and me.

So, what do you say, rat boy?

You think you're man enough?

(cackling)

Old man, you better start building a very small coffin.

MALCOLM: So Reese sets the pick here

and I get the dish off of Dewey.

See? We just keep moving the ball around the perimeter.

He can't cover all three of us

no matter how dirty he plays.

Wow!

Very nice.

Great ball movement.

You guys are looking really good.

I'm impressed.

I'd be really worried

if I didn't have my patented fall-away jump shot.

Whoo! Ow!

(groaning)

Oh, my ankle!

Oh, I twisted my ankle.

Help me into the house, boys.

Boys.

Sure, Dad, we'll help you.

(grunting)

Ooh. (groans)

Hey, boys. What's up?

Not much.

How's the leg?

I think it's feeling a little better.

It's interesting how you just happened to hurt your leg.

What does that mean?

I don't know.

It's just interesting.

Yeah. Interesting.

All right, what are you boys getting at?

It's just that some people are willing

to go to pretty drastic lengths

just to avoid being beaten by their kids.

This is about basketball?

You think I faked this

because I didn't want to play you in basketball?

You know what?

I'm going to play you right now-- like this--

and I'm still going to mop the floor with you!

That's okay.

You rest.

We can wait.

Yeah. It's got to heal sometime, right?

Here you go.

I had to move a couple dozen bags

of charcoal briquettes

but I found the slightly darker blue one that you wanted.

I got a few spider bites, but none of that matters

as long as you, the customer, go home satisfied.

You're welcome.

Excuse me.

Where are your dog toys?

Yes, ma'am. They're right there.

Right behind you.

Those are leashes!

If I could direct your attention

three inches to the right.

I want that

little hot dog up on top.

Sure thing.

I... I see we have one just like it right here.

That isn't what I asked for.

This has mustard on it!

Peekaboo doesn't eat mustard!

Well, I can see the one up there has mustard on it, too,

and since it's not even real mustard...

Are you going to give me what I ask for?!

Certainly.

(toy squeaks)

There you go.

Thanks for shopping Lucky Aide.

This has mustard on it!

That's what I tried to tell you, you old bat!

Now, you're going to take it to your dog

and make him like it!

(toys squeaking)

Hey, Lois, listen, I'm real sorry to do this to you

but my brother got hockey tickets for tonight

and I know I said I'd close up for you...

Tom, I've already rearranged my schedule.

Besides, I covered for you last week.

Well, I'm sorry, Lois.

Gee, Tom, I really don't know what to do.

Isn't there any way at all

you could be just a little late for your game?

Well, I guess so.

Thanks.

(grunts)

Ha!

Get your sneakers, faker.

(trapdoor slams)

PETE: Francis?

Yeah?

If you die, can I have your pillow?

I already promised it to Artie.

(sniffing)

Gotcha.

I found her tracks!

You hear that?

He said I get his pillow.

Wait a minute!

I see something!

Oh!

I see a baby rat!

No wonder Rose Marie's so fierce.

She's a mother!

Well, go ahead and kill it!

I don't want to kill a baby.

It's a rat!

All right.

Hey, this wood is rotten.

Just a second.

I think I can get to it.

(screaming)

(screaming continues)

(screaming echoes)

(grunting)

Yes.

That's 14-13.

We're up.

Game point.

Well, I have to say you boys have put up a good fight

which is just going to make it all the more painful

when I crush you like bugs.

(laughing)

Score, yeah! (whoops)

Ha, tie game.

Next basket wins.

My ball.

We have to do the play.

We can't.

We only practiced it once.

It won't work.

It will work.

We just got to believe.

It's go time, ladies.

*

(groaning)

The future is now, old man.

(pained grunting)

Hey, Lois.

I just want to thank you

for the terrific job you've done this week.

You have shown a marked improvement

in both your performance

and your attitude.

That's nice of you to say, Mr. Fisher,

but really, I haven't done anything different.

There's that great attitude.

Anyhow, I think we're

going to have an opening pretty soon

in customer service.

Really?

It wouldn't be much of a raise in pay,

but you wouldn't have to work any more late nights.

That would be great.

Now, you would have to dress up your appearance a little.

Excuse me?

You know, just a little more... feminine.

More feminine?

Well, you're on the right track.

Just a little... more.

Uh, can I let you know tomorrow?

Sure thing.

Damn.

Hi.

Hello.

Can I help you?

I don't know, maybe.

What'll it cost me?

What?

Is it cheaper if we use my car

or do we have to get a room?

You think I'm a hooker?

No.

You do!

You think I'm a hooker!

Thank you!

Come with me.

A prostitute.

This guy was convinced I was a prostitute.

You know, ever since I got your stupid report

I have been feeling like everything

I ever believed in was wrong.

Well, I think this little incident

gives both of us some much-needed clarity.

I'm going to go home now.

I'm going to wash my face

and when I come to work tomorrow,

I'm going to do the same extraordinarily good job

I've been doing all these years.

I'm going to do it in my 99-cent mascara

and if the mood strikes me, a hair clip, and that's it.

And if that's not good enough for you, so be it.

Thank you.

Well, Steve, are you going to tell my sister or should I?

(grumbling)

This place is a pigsty.

Hal, will you hand me the...

Hal...?