All language subtitles for Malcolm.In.The.Middle.S03E09.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG

(humming)

Where did you come from, flubba?

Hello, Hal.

* I'm so full of bacon

* My body's meant for shakin'

(beatboxing)

* And when I start to wiggle

* My nipples they will jiggle

* Ooh-ha-ooh-ha-ha

* Ooh-ha-ooh-
ha-ha *

* Ooh-ha-ooh-ha...

Once again, I have
to be embarrassed
for the both of us.

Yup.

* Yes, no, maybe

* I don't know

* Can you repeat the question?

* You're not the boss
of me now *

* You're not
the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss
of me now *

* And you're not so big

* You're not the boss
of me now *

* You're not
the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss
of me now *

* And you're not so big

* Life is unfair.

You go straight to your
job after school today.

I don't want
you to be late

for your first day of work,
and no excuses.

I don't want to hear
a lion escaped from the zoo.

Or the bus driver went insane
and refused to stop.

Francis' friend,
Richie, gave Reese

a job at the Circus Burger.

It's perfect.

Reese gets to be
bossed around all day

by the only guy
on the entire planet

that's dumber than he is.

This job is stupid.

Well, you do get
to wear a paper hat.

Reese, you want to drive
when you get your license,

you're going to pay
for your own insurance.

Yeah, but if everyone
else has insurance,
then why do I need it?

They've got it covered.

Son, it's not
as simple as that.

You see...

Good morning, everybody.

Say good morning, Charlie.

Show everyone how alive you are.

My parents made
a deal with Dewey.

If he keeps his goldfish
alive for two months,

he gets a dog.

Aren't I doing a good job?

You sure are.

How is that fish
still alive?

I don't know.

He never feeds it.

He leaves it out
in the sun for hours.

Last week, there was an old
banana peel in there.

I do not want a dog
in this house.

Well, as long as
this fish is alive

there's nothing
we can do about it.

Hal, I expect you
to take care of this.

What are you suggesting?

I'm not suggesting
anything.

I just want it
taken care of.

Class, today we begin
a new round

of independent
study projects.

Hydrostatic Equilibrium.

My God, I'm still mired in
path integral quantization.

My stepdad's right,
I'm useless.

Well, the cold hard
fact of life is

some are more advanced
than others.

Some even think they are more
advanced than me.

I never said that.

And yet you assume I'm talking
about you.

You're looking right at me.

I'm sure you're
all convinced

that by virtue of your
being in this class

your intellects tower above
those of the tiny-minded

plebeians wasting oxygen
in the rest of the school.

But to some, you are nothing
more than howling primates.

I am very excited
to announce today

that we are welcoming
to our class a new student.

A young man
of unparalleled intellect.

As near as we can measure,
his IQ is over 280.

(gasps)
Those tests are
culturally biased.

Think what you will.

Your petty fears
no longer concern me.

I finally have
the mental clay

worthy of my sculpting.

Barton is a white-hot
comet of brilliance

blazing through our dark
little corner of ignorance.

A mind of such unfathomable
reach and enormous power.

Can I come in now?

Barton, I thought I told you
to wait until you heard

"a new era for man."

But there's a bee out there.

REESE:
So, assistant manager.

How'd that happen?

INS raid cleaned us out.

So, from 12:00 to 5:00,
Monday, Wednesday, Thursday

this is my domain.

I'm proof you don't
really need to graduate

from high school.

That's just propaganda

from those money-grubbing
diploma companies.

Sean, Doug, this is Reese.

Hey.
Hey, what's up?

Hey.
Hey.

RICHIE:
Okay, press cow for burger,

potato for fries,

and I'm not sure
what this is.

Does that look like
a pig or a dog to you?

Wouldn't it be easier
to put words on the keys?

Ah, a man of letters.

A word to the wise--

I wouldn't throw that
in anyone's face.

(cash register rings)
Once you got your total,

you put the money
in the drawer.

Except if you're making
a pocket transaction.

What's that?
It's kind of a morale builder.

Once in a while,
you take five or ten bucks.

But you don't ring it up,

you put it in your
pocket instead.

You don't have a problem
with that, do you?

Oh, no, that's cool.

See, Reese?

You've entered
the working world.

The world of adult
responsibility.

I have the key
to her locker.

You want to smell
her jacket later,

just let me know.

Hey, they found
the last piece of that guy.

Oh, man.

Come on, guys,
we talked about this.

If we're going share
a roll of toilet paper,

can we at least keep it
on the spindle?

As long as you're bringing
this kind of stuff up,

I got a fiancée
coming Thursday.

Fiancée? What are
you talking about?

I'm engaged.

There comes a time when a man
gets tired of playing the field.

What field?

You don't even know any women.

That occurred to me, too.

That's why I ordered one
from Russia.

A mail-order bride?

That actually exists?

Sure. In some of the more
irradiated parts

of the former Soviet Union,

there are a lot of
marriage-minded women.

That's my darling,
Svetlana.

Wait a second.

Yup.

Svetlana.

How come you're
driving us to school?

Because that's what
mamas do sometimes.

(mouthing words)

(vacuum whirring)

(screams)

BOY:
How'd you do on the test?

(sighs heavily)

DABNEY:
Okay...

you know your Tolstoy,
and your Elliot.

Let's see how you do
with the Bard.

"Every true man's apparel
fits your thief."

Measure for Measure,
Act Four, Scene Two,

Abhorson's speech to Pompey.

Could you hand me
my green crayon?

Wow, he's
right again.

Okay, Barton, let's try
Chaucer's The Shipman's Tale.

Should I start with
the prologue?

Please.

How about line 203?

"'And when your husband
has gone off to Flanders,

"I shall deliver you
from fear of slanders.'

"And on the word,
he caught her by the flanks

"and clasped her closely,
giving her a riot of kisses

saying softly,
'Keep things quiet.'"

HERKABE:
What are you doing?!

Chaucer?

I can not believe you are
polluting his mind

with such
pop culture drivel.

I apologize for them, Barton.

And I will do everything
I can to minimize these

annoying distractions, so
that you can concentrate

on the accelerated program
I've laid out for you.

Together, we are going
to astonish the world.

Would you like a Pixy Stix?

Thank you.

Having problems, Malcolm?

No, no, not you.

It's this stupid
hydrostatic equilibrium.

It just doesn't make any sense.

Well, it is awfully difficult.

But don't despair.

I am here for you, Malcolm

and I'll make sure

that you get the help
that you deserve.

To estimate the pressure
at the center of the sun,

just assume a constant
density of 1.41 grams

per cubic centimeter.

Am I going too fast for you?

You know, Herkabe only made you
my tutor to humiliate me.

I thought it was
to humiliate me.

I don't understand
why this is so hard.

Don't give up.

Remember the Little Engine
That Could?

You're not listening!

I get everything.

In my entire life,

there is nothing I haven't
been able to master.

I took algebra
in sixth grade.

I taught my dad
how to rebuild

his transmission
when I was five.

I was reading
before I could walk.

I remember my own birth.

What?

Do you know your heart stops

during your mother's
contractions?

You seriously remember that?

The worst was
the diaper-changing.

That was the most
degrading week of my life.

So, what's it like in there?

What do you mean?

Well, your brain?

I mean, for me,
it's like when I'm
thinking really hard,

my brain starts making
all these connections

and those connections
make other connections

and everything starts
moving really fast

and it feels like
a bomb's going off.

Is your brain like that?

It's more like a beehive

and every bee
has a brain like yours.

Okay, ready!

That is so cool!

I wish you had a gun

so we could really
test this thing out.

CRAIG:
Excuse me, could I
get some help here?

Hey, Craig.

So, I overheard
your mom talking
on the phone

and it's true:

you've got a job.

I applied here, once.

Didn't get it.

It's all politics.

I guess.
So, what do you want?

I want you to listen
very carefully.

My blood sugar
is dangerously low

so I don't want to
burn up any calories
repeating myself.

I want the Jumbo Clown Burger
with the Big-top Fries,

no pickles, a slice of onion,
make sure it's center-cut

and extra tomatoes.

And let's do the patty

well on one side
and medium on the other.

And make sure they open
a fresh package for my bun.

If it's stale, I bail.

(chuckling)

Seriously.

REESE:
Your total's $5.45

and you get free
refills on the soda.

I've heard that one before.

Turns out,
it's just for today.

What a sack.

RICHIE:
That's a pocket
transaction

if I ever saw one.

Oh.

Yeah.

Right.

(cheering)

Artie, you put together
one hell of a bachelor party.

I'm much obliged to you.

Oh, I'm just sorry
the nearest stripper
is 300 miles away.

Hey, how's she doing, anyway?

She took her top off.

ALL:
Oh, yeah!

(cheering)

All right, all right,
hey, listen up.

I'd like to say a few words
about my bunkmate, Pete, here

on account of his
upcoming nuptials.

Many's the time
when I've been feeling low

and I always knew
I could turn to Pete.

He'd be lying there on his bunk,

trimming his beard
with a lighter

and I'd think,
"Hell, I'm better than that."

To Pete, and his lucky lady.

(cheering)

To Pete.

ALL:
Yeah!

What's going on with you?

I just don't get
what we're celebrating.

I mean, it just seems wrong.

It's Pete's life;
if he wants to marry

a total stranger,
that's his business.

Well, what about this woman,
is anyone thinking about her?

Right now, I'm trying to keep
a topless stripper in my head.

I don't have room
for much else.

Think about it
for a second.

She's blindly committing
to spend the rest of her life

in this godforsaken place
with Pete as her husband.

I mean, what kind
of a poor creature

would actually go through
with this?

Maybe her life's
pretty awful.

Worse than this?

What? Does she live
in a slaughterhouse?

Is she dragged to work
by horses every day?

She couldn't possibly know
what she's getting into.

You're exaggerating, man.

We don't know.

It might work out fine.

(cheering)

RICHIE:
Dudes, how's business?

Where were you?

I was supposed to
be home for dinner

but you're the only one
who can cash me out.

Hey, I'd stay
on my good side
if I was you.

One of these days, somebody's
going to have to clean out

those bathrooms.

Whoa, dude,
this is way uncool.

Reese, man, you can't take
this much money.

What are you
talking about?

Your cash drawer, man.

It's over 400 bucks short.

Look. The whole point is

to take five or ten bucks,
and that's it.

You got to put the 400 back.

I didn't take it, honest.

Dude, it's your register.

Did he give his register key
to anyone today?

No.
Uh-uh.

I didn't take it.

I didn't take any.

I never even did
one of those stupid
pocket transactions.

What are you talking about?
I saw you yesterday.

No, I wanted it to look
like I was taking it,
but I didn't really.

When you guys
weren't looking,

I put the money back.

You guys didn't see it,
because I was... being
sneaky and stuff.

Nice, Reese.

Way to screw it up
for everybody.

I didn't take it.

Look, man, if you think I'm
covering for you, you're crazy.

When the owner comes back
tomorrow morning

and checks the books,
that money better be here

or you're going down.
(register shuts)

Oh, dude.

MALCOLM:
All right.

To change from apparent
to absolute magnitude
in all spectra,

the formula is
"A over B,
times K over D."

That's if K is...

How do they expect
you to learn all
these formulas?

Use a mnemonic device.

Like, "Anefru, Babbashar,
Kalhla, Dastra..."

Babylonian kings,
Third Dynasty.

Stop complaining.

I have homework, too.

Oh, it's a butterfly.

Malcolm, you got to help me.

What's going on?

It's horrible.

There was $400 missing
from the register

at the end of my shift,
and they think I took it.

Well, did you?

No. Of course not.

I'm Barton.
Who's this dork?

He's my tutor.
You're kidding me.

The one time I need you
to be a genius,

I find out you're faking
the whole smart thing?

Reese, calm down.

How did this happen?

I don't know.
My register didn't

total up right
at the end of the shift.

Who was there?
Everyone:

Me, Sean, Greta, Richie.

Richie? Why didn't you
say so in the first place?

What do you mean?
It's Richie,
he's setting you up.

How do you know?
Because it's Richie.

Come on.

Barton, you want to go learn
something about the real world?

Not really.
Too bad. You're coming.

(Barton grunting, thuds)
Dewey, you have to cover for us.

Make sure it sounds like
we're all still here.

Got it.

Ow...

Stop it!

You shut up.

Stupid creeps...

Ow... stop it...

(whispers):
Did you get it?

Yes, I got it.

The pet store owner told
me it was already dead.

But I suspect the worst.

We'll switch the fish tonight
when Dewey's sleeping.

I don't know, Lois.

It seems so sneaky
and underhanded.

What kind of example are
we setting for the boys?

Oh, Hal, stop worrying.

The boys are fine.

(TV playing)

Hey, dude, did you get
the money?

Yeah, you'd like another 400,
wouldn't you?

What are you talking about?

Wow, an entire colony
of Cryphonectria parasitica.

Hey, get your own pizza, Dewey.

His name's
not Dewey.

So, how come you've had me call
him Dewey all these years?

Look, we know you
took the money

and you're just trying
to pin it on Reese.

After everything
my brother's done for you.

All the alibis,
all the handouts,

all the times he's helped you
fake your death.

Whoa, dudes, I wasn't
even there today.

The only time I came in
was to cash out.

You were right there.

Yeah, but I had
a ten-minute
break at 4:30.

You could've snuck in
then and taken the money.

Well, yeah, but...

You want to play innocent?

Fine, we'll just let
the police decide.

Whoa, police.

What makes you think the cops
are going to take your side?

Maybe 'cause you've
already been arrested

like ten times
for petty theft.

Excuse me, one of
those was for arson.

(keys beeping)

I'm telling you, you're
making a big mistake.

No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.

No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.

He didn't do it.

According to
this citation,

Richie was stopped at 4:20 today
at 18th and Wilson

for urinating
from a moving vehicle.

So?
So, the Circus Burger is

on Walnut,
which is at least 25 miles away.

He couldn't have gotten there
during Reese's break.

Well, maybe if
the traffic
was light...

Yeah, and maybe
if a '78 Bonneville could go

300 miles an hour.

Otherwise, it's impossible.

Hey, hey,
way to go, Dewey!

Let me see that.

Is he right?

Yes.

He's always right.

Sorry, Richie.

Come on, Reese, let's go.

But I swear to God,
I didn't do it.

I didn't take the money.

Well, look, we still
have a few hours.

Maybe we can figure out...

GRETA:
Richie, I got us the DVD player

but we need to steal
another $600

if you want the surround...

...sound.

You may want to hang
on to that receipt.

I can't believe you lied.

We're calling the cops.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Maybe we can figure
out some sort of deal.

Whatever you guys
want, it's yours.

We get to use your place
for a party anytime we want.

Yeah, and we get
free burgers for life.

And I get to make out
with your girlfriend.

Forget it.

All right,
the beanbag chair.

Wow, Pete,
is that really you?

No, it's a reflection.

Here, you can give these
to Svetlana.

Eric and Artie should
be back any minute

from Mamu with your bride.

I got to be honest.

I'm a little...
I'm a little nervous.

Well, you are about to
marry a total stranger.

Have you really thought
about what you're doing?

Oh, I've been thinking
about settling down

for a long, long time.

Yeah, but you don't know
anything about her.

I mean, what if
she thinks you're...

What if she
doesn't like you?

Well, I'd be sad,
but I'd reassure her

that I'd support her anyway,
because I made that commitment.

Then I guess I'd spend

the rest of my life
being sweet to her

in the hopes
of changing her mind.

Well, good luck, Pete.

Thanks.

Svetlana's here.

And she is gorgeous.

(laughing)

Oh!

I must have...

misread the catalog.

Just look how light
on her feet she is.

(laughing continues)

Hey, baby.
Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.

(laughing continues)

Hey, guys...

Oh, hey, Pete...

Just get that thing out of here.

I'll take care of it.

I got it.

Why you?

Because I signed for it.

Who cares if you signed for it?
Wait a minute. Come here.

(car horn honking)

Oh, there's our ride.

So nice of
Richie to drive
you to school.

Yeah, well,
that's just his way

of saying, "Thanks
for a job well done."

Good morning, everybody.

Now, son, don't
be disappointed.

Say good morning, Charlie.

Show everyone
how alive you are.

Aren't I doing
a good job?

Yeah, yeah, great.

That little monster.

He's been buying his own fish
and switching them.

God only knows
how many he's gone through.

He's going to pay for this.

Well, how?

If we bust him,
he'll know we've
been cheating, too.

Dewey,

your father and I are so proud

of the way you've taken care
of that fish.

Yes, we are.

You certainly proved to us
that you can be trusted.

It's so nice
to have a boy

who's so conscientious,
responsible

and honest,
and who always finds a way

to do the right thing.

Before we go any further,

is there anything
you want to tell me?

I want a beagle.

Well, you're not going
to get it, you little sneak!

We know that you've been
switching fish on us

because I put a dead fish
in there last night.

That's cheating!

You're cheaters!

(sobbing)

(door slams shut)
Well, not exactly textbook

but at least we're not
getting a dog.

I cleaned out my cubby.

You're sure I can't
talk you into staying?

My mom says I need
a healthier environment.

She thinks it's creepy
the way you're using me

for your own
self-aggrandizement.

A healthier environment?

That is not what you need.

Son, you will never
connect normally

with another human being.

People will recognize
your brilliance

and they will
loathe you for it.

The best you can hope for
is uncomprehending fear...

(whispers):
which I can channel
into great things.

Please?

Can I go now?

Sure.

Go.

You, my ex-wife...

all of my therapists,
you're all the same.

Bye, guys.

Bye, Barton.

Good luck at NASA.

Send us a letter

when you get
declassified.

Mr. Herkabe, we know this
is hard for you, so...

It's his dad.

We Photoshopped
your head in.