Original subtitles

[TV playing indistinctly]

Reese's had the remote for four hours.

That's four hours of mindless crap in five-second increments.

You go to the bathroom, you lose the remote.

Fine.

I can wait.

I don't know.

You drank a lot of soda... it must really be pushing

up against the walls of your bladder.

Not going to work.

And then, I had four glasses of Dad's iced tea.

He just kept pouring... and pouring...

Not going to work.

The equivalent of three semi trailers of water

pour over the falls every second.

Not going to work.

[slurping noisily, Reese groaning]

Not... going to.... work!

Turns out this is way better than anything on TV.

[Reese groans]

♪ Yes, no, maybe

♪ I don't know

♪ Can you repeat the question?

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big

♪ Life is unfair.

HAL: All right.

Turn it.

Turn it. Turn it.

No! Too far. Go back.

Back, back, back, back back, back, back...

Right there, there, there, there. There.

Okay, just three more inches clockwise.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy.

Okay, back a couple degrees... couple degrees

And keep 'er steady.

Steady... yeah!

There. Perfect.

[laughs]

Oh.

These needles here are going against the grain.

That's all I'm going to be able to look at.

Don't move.

Just spend a couple of days with Grandma.

You can leave right after Christmas.

I am not visiting that woman.

She's evil and she hates me.

Francis, this is family.

This is Grandma's first Christmas since Grandpa died

and you live the closest.

How can you be so selfish?

Well, did you invite her to yourhouse?

She knows she's always welcome.

Hey, maybe we'll both get on a bus

and come down and surprise you.

Don't you threaten me.

I am ending this discussion.

You are going to Whitehorse.

You are going to the drugstore

to buy her a gift, and you are both

going to have a proper Christmas.

[boys laughing in distance]

REESE: Aw, look at the little baby!

[crashing, clattering]

DEWEY: I hate you!

[Malcolm and Reese laughing]

Get this off of me, you stupid son of a...

Boys!

Dewey asked us to do it.

What is wrong with you?

[Dewey grunting]

The tree is barely

in the door and already you're starting.

[snipping]

I can't leave you alone for even one second

without you trying to kill each other.

This is supposed to be a happy time!

I don't know what it is

but Mom freaks out about something every Christmas.

♪ Buon natale, a Merry Christmas to you... ♪

Ho-ho-ho!

♪ Buon nataleto everyone ♪

♪ Happy New Year and lots of fun ♪

♪ Buon natale♪

♪ May all your wishes come true ♪

♪ Buon nataleto Italy ♪

♪ Means a Merry Christmas

♪ To you! LOIS: Who did this?! Who did this?!

HAL: Drop and roll, honey.

Who did this?

For God's sakes, drop and roll!

Maybe it's lack of sunlight in the winter.

I heard that messes up some people's brains.

[knocking on door]

Hi, Grandma.

[grunts]

For God's sakes, it's colder in here.

Don't you turn the heat on?

I'm not going to pay those pirates.

Of course not.

Well, in the spirit of the season,

let's begin this pathetic charade.

I never know what you're talking about.

You talk like a jackass.

[plastic crunching]

[card playing "Jingle Bells"]

You do this to torture me?

To hurt me?

You don't like Christmas music?

It sounds like a song they sang

when they would ride through the villages

and throw the babies into the fire.

They sang "Jingle Bells"?

They sang something.

Well, look at that-- 8:00 already, way past my bedtime.

Where do I sleep?

You're sitting on it.

Does it turn into a bed?

Yes, it becomes a bed.

It's a special, magic sofa.

It opens up for magic, lazy boy

and angels come and feed you grapes

and sing to you while you sleep

and it flies around the room granting wishes

for boys what are stupid.

All right! It doesn't fold out.

Can I look yet?

Just a minute.

Hey, this is supposed to be to Dewey from both of us.

I picked it out.

I stepped in it.

Hey!

Hey...

♪

[kids roughhousing]

REESE: Gotcha!

[gasps]

[gasps]

Uh, Mom.

How nice to see you home.

I have had it!

What are you doing?

I am taking everything.

Every present,

every decoration, every treat.

I am locking it in the garage.

Every single Christmas you scream or burn

or break or destroy, and I am putting a stop to it!

She's stealing Christmas!

Mom, you can't do this!

Yeah, this is the last year

Dewey will believe in Santa Claus.

What?!

If you boys behave

until Christmas morning

there will be a Christmas morning.

Otherwise, these are going back to the store

and Christmas will be canceled!

You wouldn't cancel Christmas.

You're bluffing.

[sobbing]

You canceled Christmas?!

I'm not canceling Christmas.

I'm holding it hostage.

I know, it seems harsh,

but nothing else has ever worked.

Every year, we yell

we threaten, we bargain, we beg.

Maybe this time they'll behave.

We're in this together.

I'm playing the unity card.

But...The unity card, Hal.

But...

I love Christmas.

I know you do, dear.

Isn't there anything that trumps the unity card?

Hal...

[switch clicks]

I really think we can win this 'Nam thing.

[coughing]

Hey, that's not for you.

That's for the carolers.

[coughing]

[hacking]

You're ruining smoking for me.

You sound like you're dying.

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

You can't wait to get your hands on my things.

Oh, yeah, Grandma, I got big plans for these doilies

and I really want that can of peaches

that's been on your shelf for 30 years.

Don't touch my peaches.

Oh, like I'm really going to touch...

[distant singing]

[coughing]

[carolers singing "Carol of the Bells"]

Stop your racket!

Decent people are trying to sleep!

You stupid music!

There is no figgy pudding for you here!

Please pass the syrup, please.

Thank you.

You are very welcome.

More coffee?Please.

I'll get it for you, Mom.That's okay.

Well, then, I hope you'll let us wash the dishes.

We'd love to!Absolutely!

Now, that, I'll take you up on.

I think we can do this.

It's Christmas Eve, and we've behaved for ten hours.

Okay, eight were sleep, but still.

We can make it through another 24, right?

Who wants the last waffle?

DEWEY AND REESE: I do!

Oh, no!

You know, I would really

like that waffle.

Yes, but I am a growing boy.

Perhaps it would be best if I had the waffle.

Thanks for offering it to me, boys.

They are such good boys.

[accordion music playing over TV]

["Jingle Bells" playing]

[song stops]

[song plays and stops]

[song plays]

Ow!

God, what the hell is wrong with you?

You like pushing me?

That's what happens when you push, big, tough guy.

Can't you do the entire family a favor and just die?!

All you have ever done is treat us like dirt!

You shouldn't even be allowed to be a grandma.

Are you finished?

Yes, I am...

[screams, groans]

Oh, I am so sorry.

Oh...

I should have kissed your boo-boos and made them better.

I was supposed to tell

the bad little boy stories

and bake you giant sugar cookies

and knit you nice, fluffy sweaters.

I should have carried you and held you

and told you how much I loved your diapers.

Why don't you just unhinge your jaw and finish me off?

After my Magnum, P.I.

Lois! I'm home!

Now, honey,

I know I'm not supposed to do this

but I saw something in the store today

and I had to get it for you.

It's a little more than

we agreed we would spend on each other

but I figured hey, it's Christmas.

We have the whole rest of the year to follow the rules.

It's beautiful.

I mean, isn't that what this season is all about?

You know, relaxing, enjoying things, making people happy?

Hal, that's so sweet and thoughtful.

I hope I get to open it.

Rats!

You're doing it all wrong.

You have seven ornaments.

I'm putting them on your tree.

How could I do it wrong?

Go get the angel off mantel.

Who's this?

That is your grandfather, when he was young man.

Ugh! Tell me that eyebrow thing isn't genetic.

You and him-- both the same.

Always had to have your own way;

nothing ever good enough.

Always have to fight everything.

Victor always had to be so independent.

Left home when he was 11, lived on his own.

Got work on a farm

plowing the fields, like a man.

Worked 18 hours a day.

Had to sleep with the pigs

but he never complained.

He was strong.

[grunting]

He made something of himself.

Nobody's like that anymore.

Everybody's too soft.

Hey, Grandma, why don't you let me help you with that?

Your grandfather was tough.

He didn't take anything from anybody.

[slurring]: He was... proud.

A man of... honor.

He was a wonderful...

wonderful man.

Victor...

du kaya mischna...

Grandma?

Grandma?

Oh!

Oh, God!

[snoring quietly]

Ugh!

[groans]

Just one more night.

We can get through one night. [laughs nervously]

We should be proud of ourselves.

Everything's put away.

We haven't had a single fight.

We did it.

We're going to get presents?

We're going to get presents.

What do we do now?

I guess we could take a nap.

Or maybe play quietly--

very quietly.

[squeaking]

[gasps]

Shut up, Petey, shut up!

God, I'll be so glad when Christmas is over.

Yeah, we'll be safe for another year.

Mom's doing this next Christmas?

Why wouldn't she?

It worked, didn't it?

And what if it's not just Christmas?

What do you mean?

What if she does it for other things

like Halloween or Fourth of July?

Or our birthdays?

She can't do this!

I can't take it anymore.

We have to do something to stop her.

Something drastic.

I'm in.

Mom needs to know

she can't take special occasions hostage.

She needs to know we don't negotiate.

She turned a beautiful family holiday

into a nightmare.

It's time we show her the true spirit of Christmas.

Now, before you say anything, I don't want you

to think of this as Christmas cider.

This is nondenominational "winter" cider.

Though the boys are doing so well, I...

[crying]

Lois?

I'm a terrible mother.

I shouldn't be allowed to have children.

Oh, sweetie...

I ruined Christmas.

What do you mean?

The boys are behaving like I never knew they could behave.

I thought that's what you wanted.

Yeah, but I didn't want it like this.

I wanted to take it back five minutes

after I starting grabbing those presents,

but I didn't know how.

I'm a monster.

No, no, you're not monster.

I am. I really am.

No, you're not a monster.

Why don't you just admit I'm a monster!

All right, in this particular case,

you're a monster.

I know.

[crying]

[phone rings]

Just let the machine get it.

Come on, you know how when you cry it makes me cry.

You are a wonderful mother.

And you're a wonderful person.

[over answering machine]: Hey, Mom, it's Francis.

I just want you to know that I am disgusted

with the way you treat Grandma.

Abandoning a helpless old woman at Christmas.

I hope you're ashamed of yourself.

I am. I am.

Hal, the boys don't deserve this.

I mean, they're a little high-spirited

but they're good, good boys.

God, this feels so right.

This is way better than real Christmas.

Remember, mess them up just enough

so mom can't return them.

Wait a minute.

Mom got me the exact video game I asked for.

These are better than what I asked for.

You know what?

Mom got me everything I wanted.

Me, too.

She listened to us.

Okay, so she got lucky a few times.

I never asked for a stupid globe.

That's mine.

The cleats are yours.

Oh.

Mom really tried this year.

All she wanted was a nice Christmas

and we ruined it.

In all fairness, we ruin everything.

Remember how happy we were a minute ago?

How do we go back?

I don't know.

Do we have any paint left?

No.

Oh, well.

What are you doing?

I'm doing you a favor,

so why don't you shut up and enjoy it.

What is this?

Oh, you don't want to look in there.

It's too sad.

No, Grandma,

what are all these things?

I mean, look at this.

There must be, like, a thousand dollars worth of stuff in here.

$2,735.

$4,500 Canadian.

What are they doing in your closet?

They're gifts.

For the family, for relatives, for friends.

But you never give presents. You...

Oh, my God, Donatello with pizza-throwing action.

I wanted one of these when I was six.

I know you did. I bought that for you.

No, you didn't.

Yes, I did.

And then, right before Christmas,

your Mommy put you on the phone

you called me "poopie" and hung up.

Is that the bread maker Mom was asking for last year?

If she wants bread so much

she should write back

when her mother writes to her.

Oh, this was for Cousin Nikola.

I spent a day shopping for it.

Then she marries a Protestant.

That camera, for your father,

right before he refused to drive me to the liquor store-- ugh!

All the nice things I do for people.

Oh, my God, you're crazy!

I just thought you were evil, but you are nuts!

What are you talking about?

Gifts aren't conditional-- they're gifts!

You give them to people because you love them.

They're not something you can take away

because of some petty slight.

You're not teaching people anything.

You haven't gotten back at them.

They don't even know they've upset you.

All you have done here is-is...

constructed a monument to your own insanity!

What kind of a person does that?!

A lonely...

bitter... old woman.

What?!

Look what I've done.

What use is all these things to me now?

They could have brought someone some happiness;

instead, they rot here.

[gasps]

Grandma?My hea... heart.

I... I think it's melting.

Yes... it's melting.

Oh... you showed me the way...

Francis, by yelling at me.

Quick, go get my magic sled

and me and my reindeers will go and give Christmas

to all the mean, stupid, rude people.

We'll all join hands and sing songs.

And we'll sprinkle

the ingrates with fairy dust

and my...

Are you sure you want to do this?

Yes. I don't know what I was thinking;

taking presents away from children?

What kind of a sick person does that?

Look, I just want to get everything out of the garage

set it up in the house, and have a nice Christmas.

You know what?

Why don't we wake up the boys and have Christmas tonight?

I can't wait to see the look on their sweet little faces.

Well, Hal, that was...

smart of you to wake up the boys

so they could help us carry in the presents.

Yes... yes... uh...

well, come on, come on, hurry up, boys.

Yeah. Sure. Okay.

[card playing "Jingle Bells"]

I'll cut off his hands and stick them in his kakooshnyik.

[grunting and groaning]

[music stops]

[another musical card starts playing in distance]

Yoric greblech!

[gasps]

Roller skates!

Oh, I hope you like them, sweetie.

Ooh, I think we have another present here for Reese.

I wonder what it is.

This really is the best Christmas we've ever had.

I don't know why we didn't try

this whole denial thing a long time ago.

♪ Buon nataleto you! ♪