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1
00:00:02,089 --> 00:00:03,916
[TV playing indistinctly]
2
00:00:03,960 --> 00:00:06,832
Reese's had the remote
for four hours.
3
00:00:06,876 --> 00:00:10,097
That's four hours of mindless
crap in five-second increments.
4
00:00:10,140 --> 00:00:12,186
You go to the bathroom,
you lose the remote.
5
00:00:12,229 --> 00:00:13,230
Fine.
6
00:00:14,362 --> 00:00:15,928
I can wait.
7
00:00:15,972 --> 00:00:17,278
I don't know.
8
00:00:17,321 --> 00:00:19,236
You drank a lot of soda...
it must really be pushing
9
00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:21,064
up against
the walls of your bladder.
10
00:00:21,108 --> 00:00:22,761
Not going to work.
11
00:00:22,805 --> 00:00:26,330
And then, I had four glasses
of Dad's iced tea.
12
00:00:26,374 --> 00:00:28,985
He just kept pouring...
and pouring...
13
00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:30,639
Not going to work.
14
00:00:30,682 --> 00:00:33,555
The equivalent of three
semi trailers of water
15
00:00:33,598 --> 00:00:36,079
pour over the falls
every second.
16
00:00:36,123 --> 00:00:37,776
Not going to work.
17
00:00:37,820 --> 00:00:40,127
[slurping noisily,
Reese groaning]
18
00:00:40,170 --> 00:00:44,348
Not... going to.... work!
19
00:00:44,392 --> 00:00:47,351
Turns out this is way better
than anything on TV.
20
00:00:47,395 --> 00:00:48,352
[Reese groans]
21
00:00:49,266 --> 00:00:52,139
♪ Yes, no, maybe
22
00:00:52,182 --> 00:00:54,532
♪ I don't know
23
00:00:54,576 --> 00:01:00,016
♪ Can you repeat the question?
24
00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:02,105
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
25
00:01:02,149 --> 00:01:03,976
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
26
00:01:04,019 --> 00:01:05,978
♪ And you're not so big
27
00:01:06,022 --> 00:01:08,329
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
28
00:01:08,372 --> 00:01:10,331
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
29
00:01:10,374 --> 00:01:13,116
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
30
00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:16,902
♪ And you're not so big
31
00:01:16,946 --> 00:01:20,732
♪ Life is unfair.
32
00:01:21,385 --> 00:01:22,952
HAL:
All right.
33
00:01:22,995 --> 00:01:24,345
Turn it.
34
00:01:24,388 --> 00:01:25,781
Turn it. Turn it.
35
00:01:25,824 --> 00:01:27,217
No! Too far. Go back.
36
00:01:27,261 --> 00:01:28,392
Back, back, back, back
back, back, back...
37
00:01:28,436 --> 00:01:29,785
Right there, there, there,
there. There.
38
00:01:29,828 --> 00:01:31,526
Okay, just three
more inches clockwise.
39
00:01:31,569 --> 00:01:33,005
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy.
40
00:01:33,049 --> 00:01:35,138
Okay, back a couple degrees...
couple degrees
41
00:01:35,182 --> 00:01:36,183
And keep 'er steady.
42
00:01:36,226 --> 00:01:37,358
Steady... yeah!
43
00:01:37,401 --> 00:01:38,272
There. Perfect.
44
00:01:38,315 --> 00:01:40,404
[laughs]
45
00:01:40,448 --> 00:01:41,971
Oh.
46
00:01:42,014 --> 00:01:44,191
These needles here
are going against the grain.
47
00:01:44,234 --> 00:01:46,976
That's all I'm going
to be able to look at.
48
00:01:48,020 --> 00:01:49,500
Don't move.
49
00:01:49,544 --> 00:01:52,024
Just spend a couple
of days with Grandma.
50
00:01:52,068 --> 00:01:54,418
You can leave
right after Christmas.
51
00:01:54,462 --> 00:01:56,028
I am not visiting that woman.
52
00:01:56,072 --> 00:01:57,378
She's evil and she hates me.
53
00:01:57,421 --> 00:01:59,075
Francis, this is family.
54
00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:01,556
This is Grandma's first
Christmas since Grandpa died
55
00:02:01,599 --> 00:02:02,557
and you live the closest.
56
00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:03,993
How can you be so selfish?
57
00:02:04,036 --> 00:02:06,126
Well, did you invite her
to yourhouse?
58
00:02:07,562 --> 00:02:09,172
She knows she's always welcome.
59
00:02:09,216 --> 00:02:11,043
Hey, maybe we'll both
get on a bus
60
00:02:11,087 --> 00:02:12,175
and come down and surprise you.
61
00:02:12,219 --> 00:02:14,177
Don't you threaten me.
62
00:02:14,221 --> 00:02:16,962
I am ending this discussion.
63
00:02:17,006 --> 00:02:18,877
You are going to Whitehorse.
64
00:02:18,921 --> 00:02:20,401
You are going to the drugstore
65
00:02:20,444 --> 00:02:22,446
to buy her a gift,
and you are both
66
00:02:22,490 --> 00:02:23,404
going to have
a proper Christmas.
67
00:02:23,447 --> 00:02:24,666
[boys laughing in distance]
68
00:02:24,709 --> 00:02:26,450
REESE: Aw, look
at the little baby!
69
00:02:26,494 --> 00:02:27,408
[crashing, clattering]
70
00:02:28,235 --> 00:02:29,888
DEWEY:
I hate you!
71
00:02:29,932 --> 00:02:31,673
[Malcolm and Reese laughing]
72
00:02:31,716 --> 00:02:34,197
Get this off of me,
you stupid son of a...
73
00:02:34,241 --> 00:02:35,285
Boys!
74
00:02:35,329 --> 00:02:37,374
Dewey asked us to do it.
75
00:02:37,418 --> 00:02:39,637
What is wrong with you?
76
00:02:39,681 --> 00:02:40,682
[Dewey grunting]
77
00:02:40,725 --> 00:02:42,074
The tree is barely
78
00:02:42,118 --> 00:02:44,468
in the door and already
you're starting.
79
00:02:48,516 --> 00:02:49,517
[snipping]
80
00:02:51,954 --> 00:02:54,261
I can't leave you alone
for even one second
81
00:02:54,304 --> 00:02:56,654
without you trying
to kill each other.
82
00:02:56,698 --> 00:02:58,917
This is supposed
to be a happy time!
83
00:02:58,961 --> 00:03:00,484
I don't know what it is
84
00:03:00,528 --> 00:03:03,270
but Mom freaks out about
something every Christmas.
85
00:03:03,313 --> 00:03:06,360
♪ Buon natale,
a Merry Christmas to you... ♪
86
00:03:06,403 --> 00:03:08,318
Ho-ho-ho!
87
00:03:08,362 --> 00:03:12,235
♪ Buon nataleto everyone ♪
88
00:03:12,279 --> 00:03:14,368
♪ Happy New Year
and lots of fun ♪
89
00:03:14,411 --> 00:03:18,328
♪ Buon natale♪
90
00:03:18,372 --> 00:03:21,113
♪ May all your wishes
come true ♪
91
00:03:21,157 --> 00:03:23,681
♪ Buon nataleto Italy ♪
92
00:03:23,725 --> 00:03:27,294
♪ Means a Merry Christmas
93
00:03:27,337 --> 00:03:30,166
♪ To you! LOIS: Who did this?!
Who did this?!
94
00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:31,298
HAL:
Drop and roll, honey.
95
00:03:31,341 --> 00:03:33,125
Who did this?
96
00:03:33,169 --> 00:03:35,389
For God's sakes,
drop and roll!
97
00:03:35,432 --> 00:03:37,391
Maybe it's lack of sunlight
in the winter.
98
00:03:37,434 --> 00:03:39,306
I heard that messes up
some people's brains.
99
00:03:39,349 --> 00:03:40,959
[knocking on door]
100
00:03:45,007 --> 00:03:46,138
Hi, Grandma.
101
00:03:46,182 --> 00:03:47,227
[grunts]
102
00:03:49,751 --> 00:03:51,927
For God's sakes,
it's colder in here.
103
00:03:51,970 --> 00:03:53,494
Don't you turn
the heat on?
104
00:03:53,537 --> 00:03:55,626
I'm not going
to pay those pirates.
105
00:03:55,670 --> 00:03:57,889
Of course not.
106
00:03:57,933 --> 00:03:59,456
Well, in the spirit
of the season,
107
00:03:59,500 --> 00:04:01,197
let's begin this
pathetic charade.
108
00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:03,939
I never know what
you're talking about.
109
00:04:03,982 --> 00:04:05,897
You talk like a jackass.
110
00:04:07,595 --> 00:04:09,510
[plastic crunching]
111
00:04:11,425 --> 00:04:13,905
[card playing "Jingle Bells"]
112
00:04:13,949 --> 00:04:15,690
You do this to torture me?
113
00:04:15,733 --> 00:04:16,952
To hurt me?
114
00:04:16,995 --> 00:04:18,387
You don't like
Christmas music?
115
00:04:18,432 --> 00:04:19,998
It sounds like
a song they sang
116
00:04:20,041 --> 00:04:22,523
when they would ride
through the villages
117
00:04:22,566 --> 00:04:24,568
and throw the babies
into the fire.
118
00:04:24,612 --> 00:04:26,353
They sang "Jingle Bells"?
119
00:04:26,396 --> 00:04:29,138
They sang something.
120
00:04:32,359 --> 00:04:35,144
Well, look at that-- 8:00
already, way past my bedtime.
121
00:04:35,187 --> 00:04:36,363
Where do I sleep?
122
00:04:36,406 --> 00:04:37,364
You're sitting on it.
123
00:04:37,407 --> 00:04:38,452
Does it turn into a bed?
124
00:04:38,495 --> 00:04:40,715
Yes, it becomes a bed.
125
00:04:40,758 --> 00:04:43,544
It's a special, magic sofa.
126
00:04:43,587 --> 00:04:46,590
It opens up for
magic, lazy boy
127
00:04:46,634 --> 00:04:49,550
and angels come
and feed you grapes
128
00:04:49,593 --> 00:04:51,813
and sing to you
while you sleep
129
00:04:51,856 --> 00:04:55,033
and it flies around the room
granting wishes
130
00:04:55,077 --> 00:04:57,035
for boys
what are stupid.
131
00:04:57,079 --> 00:04:59,255
All right! It doesn't fold out.
132
00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:00,604
Can I look yet?
133
00:05:00,648 --> 00:05:02,824
Just a minute.
134
00:05:02,867 --> 00:05:05,348
Hey, this is supposed to be
to Dewey from both of us.
135
00:05:05,392 --> 00:05:06,349
I picked it out.
136
00:05:06,393 --> 00:05:07,394
I stepped in it.
137
00:05:12,442 --> 00:05:15,010
Hey!
138
00:05:15,053 --> 00:05:16,490
Hey...
139
00:05:16,533 --> 00:05:17,926
♪
140
00:05:17,969 --> 00:05:21,408
[kids roughhousing]
141
00:05:21,451 --> 00:05:22,452
REESE:
Gotcha!
142
00:05:29,633 --> 00:05:30,547
[gasps]
143
00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:31,722
[gasps]
144
00:05:31,766 --> 00:05:32,941
Uh, Mom.
145
00:05:32,984 --> 00:05:34,464
How nice to see you home.
146
00:05:35,247 --> 00:05:37,989
I have had it!
147
00:05:39,643 --> 00:05:40,644
What are you doing?
148
00:05:40,688 --> 00:05:42,385
I am taking everything.
149
00:05:43,081 --> 00:05:44,082
Every present,
150
00:05:44,126 --> 00:05:45,780
every decoration,
every treat.
151
00:05:45,823 --> 00:05:47,521
I am locking it
in the garage.
152
00:05:47,564 --> 00:05:50,262
Every single Christmas
you scream or burn
153
00:05:50,306 --> 00:05:53,483
or break or destroy,
and I am putting a stop to it!
154
00:05:53,527 --> 00:05:54,528
She's stealing Christmas!
155
00:05:54,571 --> 00:05:55,790
Mom, you can't
do this!
156
00:05:55,833 --> 00:05:57,226
Yeah, this is
the last year
157
00:05:57,269 --> 00:05:59,097
Dewey will believe
in Santa Claus.
158
00:05:59,141 --> 00:05:59,881
What?!
159
00:05:59,924 --> 00:06:01,186
If you boys behave
160
00:06:01,230 --> 00:06:02,405
until Christmas morning
161
00:06:02,449 --> 00:06:05,016
there will be
a Christmas morning.
162
00:06:05,060 --> 00:06:08,106
Otherwise, these
are going back to the store
163
00:06:08,150 --> 00:06:10,326
and Christmas will be canceled!
164
00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:12,633
You wouldn't
cancel Christmas.
165
00:06:12,676 --> 00:06:14,417
You're bluffing.
166
00:06:14,461 --> 00:06:16,158
[sobbing]
167
00:06:27,125 --> 00:06:28,910
You canceled Christmas?!
168
00:06:28,953 --> 00:06:30,564
I'm not canceling Christmas.
169
00:06:30,607 --> 00:06:31,608
I'm holding it hostage.
170
00:06:31,652 --> 00:06:32,827
I know, it seems harsh,
171
00:06:32,870 --> 00:06:34,568
but nothing else
has ever worked.
172
00:06:34,611 --> 00:06:35,699
Every year, we yell
173
00:06:35,743 --> 00:06:38,354
we threaten, we bargain, we beg.
174
00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:39,921
Maybe this time
they'll behave.
175
00:06:39,964 --> 00:06:41,139
We're in this together.
176
00:06:41,183 --> 00:06:42,576
I'm playing the unity card.
177
00:06:42,619 --> 00:06:44,621
But...The unity card, Hal.
178
00:06:44,665 --> 00:06:46,057
But...
179
00:06:46,101 --> 00:06:48,103
I love Christmas.
180
00:06:48,146 --> 00:06:50,453
I know you do, dear.
181
00:06:50,497 --> 00:06:54,762
Isn't there anything
that trumps the unity card?
182
00:06:57,939 --> 00:06:59,462
Hal...
183
00:07:04,946 --> 00:07:06,904
[switch clicks]
184
00:07:10,517 --> 00:07:13,476
I really think we can
win this 'Nam thing.
185
00:07:15,783 --> 00:07:18,133
[coughing]
186
00:07:21,179 --> 00:07:22,572
Hey, that's not for you.
187
00:07:22,616 --> 00:07:24,835
That's for the carolers.
188
00:07:24,879 --> 00:07:26,533
[coughing]
189
00:07:28,535 --> 00:07:30,624
[hacking]
190
00:07:30,667 --> 00:07:32,713
You're ruining smoking for me.
191
00:07:33,757 --> 00:07:35,411
You sound like you're dying.
192
00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:36,934
You'd like that, wouldn't you?
193
00:07:36,978 --> 00:07:39,633
You can't wait to get your hands
on my things.
194
00:07:39,676 --> 00:07:41,765
Oh, yeah, Grandma, I got
big plans for these doilies
195
00:07:41,809 --> 00:07:43,114
and I really want
that can of peaches
196
00:07:43,158 --> 00:07:44,768
that's been on your shelf
for 30 years.
197
00:07:44,812 --> 00:07:46,553
Don't touch my peaches.
198
00:07:46,596 --> 00:07:48,555
Oh, like I'm
really going to touch...
199
00:07:48,598 --> 00:07:51,079
[distant singing]
200
00:07:51,122 --> 00:07:53,516
[coughing]
201
00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:56,301
[carolers singing
"Carol of the Bells"]
202
00:07:56,345 --> 00:07:57,781
Stop your racket!
203
00:07:57,825 --> 00:08:00,654
Decent people are trying
to sleep!
204
00:08:00,697 --> 00:08:02,177
You stupid music!
205
00:08:02,220 --> 00:08:05,572
There is no figgy pudding
for you here!
206
00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:14,711
Please pass
the syrup, please.
207
00:08:15,712 --> 00:08:16,670
Thank you.
208
00:08:16,713 --> 00:08:18,193
You are very welcome.
209
00:08:18,236 --> 00:08:19,629
More coffee?Please.
210
00:08:19,673 --> 00:08:21,457
I'll get it for you, Mom.That's okay.
211
00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:24,112
Well, then, I hope you'll let us
wash the dishes.
212
00:08:24,155 --> 00:08:25,548
We'd love to!Absolutely!
213
00:08:25,592 --> 00:08:27,942
Now, that, I'll take you up on.
214
00:08:29,030 --> 00:08:30,640
I think we can do this.
215
00:08:30,684 --> 00:08:32,990
It's Christmas Eve,
and we've behaved for ten hours.
216
00:08:33,034 --> 00:08:34,775
Okay, eight were sleep,
but still.
217
00:08:34,818 --> 00:08:36,732
We can make it through
another 24, right?
218
00:08:36,777 --> 00:08:37,821
Who wants the last waffle?
219
00:08:37,865 --> 00:08:39,301
DEWEY AND REESE:
I do!
220
00:08:40,780 --> 00:08:41,738
Oh, no!
221
00:08:42,870 --> 00:08:45,002
You know, I would really
222
00:08:45,046 --> 00:08:46,961
like that waffle.
223
00:08:47,004 --> 00:08:49,572
Yes, but I am a growing boy.
224
00:08:49,616 --> 00:08:52,619
Perhaps it would be best
if I had the waffle.
225
00:09:02,454 --> 00:09:04,718
Thanks for
offering it to me, boys.
226
00:09:06,415 --> 00:09:09,200
They are such good boys.
227
00:09:10,985 --> 00:09:14,118
[accordion music
playing over TV]
228
00:09:19,646 --> 00:09:21,735
["Jingle Bells" playing]
229
00:09:21,778 --> 00:09:23,780
[song stops]
230
00:09:26,870 --> 00:09:28,655
[song plays and stops]
231
00:09:31,353 --> 00:09:32,659
[song plays]
232
00:09:32,876 --> 00:09:34,182
Ow!
233
00:09:34,225 --> 00:09:35,749
God, what the hell is wrong
with you?
234
00:09:35,792 --> 00:09:37,402
You like pushing me?
235
00:09:37,446 --> 00:09:39,709
That's what happens when
you push, big, tough guy.
236
00:09:39,753 --> 00:09:43,104
Can't you do the entire family
a favor and just die?!
237
00:09:43,147 --> 00:09:46,455
All you have ever done
is treat us like dirt!
238
00:09:46,498 --> 00:09:48,849
You shouldn't even be
allowed to be a grandma.
239
00:09:48,892 --> 00:09:50,111
Are you finished?
240
00:09:50,154 --> 00:09:51,416
Yes, I am...
241
00:09:51,460 --> 00:09:53,723
[screams, groans]
242
00:09:53,767 --> 00:09:56,117
Oh, I am so sorry.
243
00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:57,814
Oh...
244
00:09:57,858 --> 00:10:01,557
I should have kissed your
boo-boos and made them better.
245
00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:02,776
I was supposed to tell
246
00:10:02,819 --> 00:10:04,647
the bad little boy stories
247
00:10:04,691 --> 00:10:06,257
and bake you giant sugar cookies
248
00:10:06,301 --> 00:10:09,260
and knit you nice,
fluffy sweaters.
249
00:10:09,304 --> 00:10:11,045
I should have carried you
and held you
250
00:10:11,088 --> 00:10:14,439
and told you how much
I loved your diapers.
251
00:10:14,483 --> 00:10:17,704
Why don't you just unhinge
your jaw and finish me off?
252
00:10:17,747 --> 00:10:20,576
After my Magnum, P.I.
253
00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:23,057
Lois! I'm home!
254
00:10:26,713 --> 00:10:28,018
Now, honey,
255
00:10:28,062 --> 00:10:29,541
I know I'm not
supposed to do this
256
00:10:29,585 --> 00:10:31,108
but I saw something
in the store today
257
00:10:31,152 --> 00:10:32,283
and I had
to get it for you.
258
00:10:32,327 --> 00:10:33,545
It's a little more than
259
00:10:33,589 --> 00:10:35,069
we agreed we would
spend on each other
260
00:10:35,112 --> 00:10:36,897
but I figured hey,
it's Christmas.
261
00:10:36,940 --> 00:10:39,116
We have the whole rest of
the year to follow the rules.
262
00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:41,249
It's beautiful.
263
00:10:41,292 --> 00:10:43,817
I mean, isn't that what
this season is all about?
264
00:10:43,860 --> 00:10:47,081
You know, relaxing, enjoying
things, making people happy?
265
00:10:47,124 --> 00:10:50,258
Hal, that's so
sweet and thoughtful.
266
00:10:50,301 --> 00:10:52,390
I hope I get to open it.
267
00:10:56,090 --> 00:10:57,874
Rats!
268
00:10:59,093 --> 00:11:00,964
You're doing it all wrong.
269
00:11:01,008 --> 00:11:02,531
You have
seven ornaments.
270
00:11:02,574 --> 00:11:03,706
I'm putting them
on your tree.
271
00:11:03,750 --> 00:11:04,707
How could I do it wrong?
272
00:11:04,751 --> 00:11:07,536
Go get the angel off mantel.
273
00:11:12,236 --> 00:11:14,412
Who's this?
274
00:11:14,456 --> 00:11:18,460
That is your grandfather,
when he was young man.
275
00:11:19,983 --> 00:11:23,291
Ugh! Tell me that eyebrow thing
isn't genetic.
276
00:11:23,334 --> 00:11:26,163
You and him--
both the same.
277
00:11:26,207 --> 00:11:28,818
Always had to have
your own way;
278
00:11:28,862 --> 00:11:30,167
nothing ever good enough.
279
00:11:30,211 --> 00:11:32,996
Always have
to fight everything.
280
00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:36,913
Victor always had to be
so independent.
281
00:11:36,957 --> 00:11:41,135
Left home when he was 11,
lived on his own.
282
00:11:41,178 --> 00:11:43,006
Got work on a farm
283
00:11:43,050 --> 00:11:45,792
plowing the fields,
like a man.
284
00:11:45,835 --> 00:11:47,924
Worked 18 hours a day.
285
00:11:47,968 --> 00:11:49,752
Had to sleep
with the pigs
286
00:11:49,796 --> 00:11:53,538
but he never complained.
287
00:11:53,582 --> 00:11:55,018
He was strong.
288
00:11:55,062 --> 00:11:57,020
[grunting]
289
00:11:57,064 --> 00:11:58,848
He made something of himself.
290
00:12:00,154 --> 00:12:02,156
Nobody's like
that anymore.
291
00:12:02,199 --> 00:12:06,160
Everybody's too soft.
292
00:12:06,203 --> 00:12:08,902
Hey, Grandma, why don't you
let me help you with that?
293
00:12:10,468 --> 00:12:12,427
Your grandfather was tough.
294
00:12:12,470 --> 00:12:16,692
He didn't take anything
from anybody.
295
00:12:18,476 --> 00:12:21,392
[slurring]: He was... proud.
296
00:12:21,436 --> 00:12:24,395
A man of... honor.
297
00:12:24,439 --> 00:12:27,834
He was a wonderful...
298
00:12:27,877 --> 00:12:32,055
wonderful man.
299
00:12:33,187 --> 00:12:36,320
Victor...
300
00:12:37,931 --> 00:12:40,847
du kaya mischna...
301
00:12:42,979 --> 00:12:45,982
Grandma?
302
00:12:47,679 --> 00:12:48,855
Grandma?
303
00:12:48,898 --> 00:12:50,508
Oh!
304
00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:54,164
Oh, God!
305
00:12:54,208 --> 00:12:55,426
[snoring quietly]
306
00:12:57,124 --> 00:12:59,256
Ugh!
307
00:13:03,695 --> 00:13:05,262
[groans]
308
00:13:05,306 --> 00:13:06,916
Just one more night.
309
00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:08,918
We can get through one night.
[laughs nervously]
310
00:13:08,962 --> 00:13:10,485
We should be proud
of ourselves.
311
00:13:10,528 --> 00:13:11,747
Everything's put away.
312
00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:13,227
We haven't had
a single fight.
313
00:13:13,270 --> 00:13:14,837
We did it.
314
00:13:14,881 --> 00:13:16,273
We're going to get presents?
315
00:13:16,317 --> 00:13:17,535
We're going to get presents.
316
00:13:17,579 --> 00:13:19,494
What do we do now?
317
00:13:19,537 --> 00:13:21,235
I guess we could take a nap.
318
00:13:21,278 --> 00:13:22,497
Or maybe play quietly--
319
00:13:22,540 --> 00:13:25,717
very quietly.
320
00:13:25,761 --> 00:13:26,893
[squeaking]
321
00:13:26,936 --> 00:13:28,198
[gasps]
322
00:13:28,242 --> 00:13:31,811
Shut up, Petey, shut up!
323
00:13:35,031 --> 00:13:37,991
God, I'll be so glad
when Christmas is over.
324
00:13:38,034 --> 00:13:39,557
Yeah, we'll be safe
for another year.
325
00:13:39,601 --> 00:13:41,472
Mom's doing this
next Christmas?
326
00:13:41,516 --> 00:13:42,473
Why wouldn't she?
327
00:13:42,517 --> 00:13:43,779
It worked, didn't it?
328
00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:45,476
And what if it's
not just Christmas?
329
00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:46,738
What do you mean?
330
00:13:46,782 --> 00:13:48,131
What if she does it
for other things
331
00:13:48,175 --> 00:13:49,916
like Halloween
or Fourth of July?
332
00:13:49,959 --> 00:13:50,917
Or our birthdays?
333
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:52,222
She can't do this!
334
00:13:52,266 --> 00:13:53,789
I can't take it anymore.
335
00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:55,312
We have to do something
to stop her.
336
00:13:55,356 --> 00:13:56,444
Something drastic.
337
00:13:56,487 --> 00:13:57,271
I'm in.
338
00:13:57,314 --> 00:13:58,707
Mom needs to know
339
00:13:58,750 --> 00:14:00,752
she can't take special
occasions hostage.
340
00:14:00,796 --> 00:14:02,972
She needs to know
we don't negotiate.
341
00:14:03,016 --> 00:14:05,322
She turned a beautiful
family holiday
342
00:14:05,366 --> 00:14:07,977
into a nightmare.
343
00:14:08,021 --> 00:14:11,154
It's time we show her
the true spirit of Christmas.
344
00:14:28,824 --> 00:14:30,695
Now, before you say anything,
I don't want you
345
00:14:30,739 --> 00:14:32,175
to think of this
as Christmas cider.
346
00:14:32,219 --> 00:14:34,612
This is nondenominational
"winter" cider.
347
00:14:34,656 --> 00:14:36,701
Though the boys are doing
so well, I...
348
00:14:36,745 --> 00:14:38,573
[crying]
349
00:14:38,616 --> 00:14:40,053
Lois?
350
00:14:40,096 --> 00:14:41,924
I'm a terrible mother.
351
00:14:41,968 --> 00:14:45,362
I shouldn't be allowed
to have children.
352
00:14:45,406 --> 00:14:46,363
Oh, sweetie...
353
00:14:46,407 --> 00:14:48,148
I ruined Christmas.
354
00:14:48,191 --> 00:14:49,758
What do you mean?
355
00:14:49,801 --> 00:14:51,978
The boys are behaving like
I never knew they could behave.
356
00:14:52,021 --> 00:14:53,066
I thought
that's what you wanted.
357
00:14:53,109 --> 00:14:55,590
Yeah, but I didn't
want it like this.
358
00:14:55,633 --> 00:14:58,201
I wanted to take it
back five minutes
359
00:14:58,245 --> 00:14:59,811
after I starting
grabbing those presents,
360
00:14:59,855 --> 00:15:01,988
but I didn't know how.
361
00:15:02,031 --> 00:15:04,294
I'm a monster.
362
00:15:04,338 --> 00:15:05,861
No, no, you're not monster.
363
00:15:05,905 --> 00:15:08,168
I am. I really am.
364
00:15:08,211 --> 00:15:09,169
No, you're not a monster.
365
00:15:09,212 --> 00:15:11,867
Why don't you just
admit I'm a monster!
366
00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:14,174
All right, in this
particular case,
367
00:15:14,217 --> 00:15:15,523
you're a monster.
368
00:15:15,566 --> 00:15:16,611
I know.
369
00:15:16,654 --> 00:15:17,612
[crying]
370
00:15:17,655 --> 00:15:18,961
[phone rings]
371
00:15:19,005 --> 00:15:21,355
Just let the machine get it.
372
00:15:21,398 --> 00:15:25,750
Come on, you know how
when you cry it makes me cry.
373
00:15:25,794 --> 00:15:28,623
You are
a wonderful mother.
374
00:15:28,666 --> 00:15:31,234
And you're a wonderful person.
375
00:15:31,278 --> 00:15:32,888
[over answering machine]:
Hey, Mom, it's Francis.
376
00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:34,194
I just want you to know
that I am disgusted
377
00:15:34,237 --> 00:15:35,760
with the way you treat Grandma.
378
00:15:35,804 --> 00:15:38,198
Abandoning a helpless
old woman at Christmas.
379
00:15:38,241 --> 00:15:40,200
I hope you're
ashamed of yourself.
380
00:15:40,243 --> 00:15:43,203
I am. I am.
381
00:15:43,246 --> 00:15:45,466
Hal, the boys don't
deserve this.
382
00:15:45,509 --> 00:15:48,077
I mean, they're a
little high-spirited
383
00:15:48,121 --> 00:15:50,079
but they're good,
good boys.
384
00:15:50,123 --> 00:15:52,821
God, this feels so right.
385
00:15:52,864 --> 00:15:55,911
This is way better
than real Christmas.
386
00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:58,653
Remember, mess them
up just enough
387
00:15:58,696 --> 00:16:00,916
so mom can't
return them.
388
00:16:01,743 --> 00:16:03,005
Wait a minute.
389
00:16:03,049 --> 00:16:05,790
Mom got me the exact
video game I asked for.
390
00:16:05,834 --> 00:16:10,056
These are better
than what I asked for.
391
00:16:11,753 --> 00:16:13,146
You know what?
392
00:16:13,189 --> 00:16:16,236
Mom got me everything
I wanted.
393
00:16:16,279 --> 00:16:18,238
Me, too.
394
00:16:18,281 --> 00:16:20,283
She listened to us.
395
00:16:20,327 --> 00:16:23,243
Okay, so she got lucky
a few times.
396
00:16:23,286 --> 00:16:26,246
I never asked
for a stupid globe.
397
00:16:26,289 --> 00:16:27,073
That's mine.
398
00:16:27,116 --> 00:16:29,075
The cleats are yours.
399
00:16:29,118 --> 00:16:30,467
Oh.
400
00:16:31,947 --> 00:16:33,731
Mom really tried this year.
401
00:16:33,775 --> 00:16:36,430
All she wanted
was a nice Christmas
402
00:16:36,473 --> 00:16:37,822
and we ruined it.
403
00:16:37,866 --> 00:16:41,304
In all fairness,
we ruin everything.
404
00:16:41,348 --> 00:16:45,091
Remember how happy we were
a minute ago?
405
00:16:45,134 --> 00:16:46,875
How do we go back?
406
00:16:46,918 --> 00:16:48,094
I don't know.
407
00:16:48,137 --> 00:16:51,097
Do we have any paint left?
408
00:16:51,140 --> 00:16:53,229
No.
409
00:16:55,144 --> 00:16:57,016
Oh, well.
410
00:17:00,454 --> 00:17:01,629
What are you doing?
411
00:17:01,672 --> 00:17:03,065
I'm doing you a favor,
412
00:17:03,109 --> 00:17:05,546
so why don't you shut up
and enjoy it.
413
00:17:12,944 --> 00:17:14,163
What is this?
414
00:17:14,207 --> 00:17:16,557
Oh, you don't want
to look in there.
415
00:17:16,599 --> 00:17:17,688
It's too sad.
416
00:17:17,732 --> 00:17:18,689
No, Grandma,
417
00:17:18,733 --> 00:17:19,733
what are all these things?
418
00:17:19,777 --> 00:17:21,474
I mean, look at this.
419
00:17:21,518 --> 00:17:23,520
There must be, like, a thousand
dollars worth of stuff in here.
420
00:17:23,564 --> 00:17:26,871
$2,735.
421
00:17:26,915 --> 00:17:29,570
$4,500 Canadian.
422
00:17:29,613 --> 00:17:31,137
What are they doing
in your closet?
423
00:17:31,180 --> 00:17:32,660
They're gifts.
424
00:17:32,703 --> 00:17:36,142
For the family, for relatives,
for friends.
425
00:17:36,185 --> 00:17:38,187
But you never give presents.
You...
426
00:17:38,231 --> 00:17:40,929
Oh, my God, Donatello
with pizza-throwing action.
427
00:17:40,972 --> 00:17:42,974
I wanted one of these
when I was six.
428
00:17:43,018 --> 00:17:45,455
I know you did.
I bought that for you.
429
00:17:45,499 --> 00:17:46,674
No, you didn't.
430
00:17:46,717 --> 00:17:47,805
Yes, I did.
431
00:17:47,849 --> 00:17:50,243
And then,
right before Christmas,
432
00:17:50,286 --> 00:17:52,462
your Mommy
put you on the phone
433
00:17:52,506 --> 00:17:54,595
you called me "poopie"
and hung up.
434
00:17:54,638 --> 00:17:58,251
Is that the bread maker
Mom was asking for last year?
435
00:17:58,294 --> 00:17:59,295
If she wants bread so much
436
00:17:59,339 --> 00:18:00,470
she should write back
437
00:18:00,514 --> 00:18:03,821
when her mother writes to her.
438
00:18:03,865 --> 00:18:06,476
Oh, this was
for Cousin Nikola.
439
00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:09,349
I spent a day shopping for it.
440
00:18:09,392 --> 00:18:11,960
Then she marries a Protestant.
441
00:18:12,003 --> 00:18:14,310
That camera, for your father,
442
00:18:14,354 --> 00:18:18,140
right before he refused to drive
me to the liquor store-- ugh!
443
00:18:18,184 --> 00:18:23,145
All the nice things
I do for people.
444
00:18:23,189 --> 00:18:26,366
Oh, my God, you're crazy!
445
00:18:26,409 --> 00:18:29,412
I just thought you were evil,
but you are nuts!
446
00:18:29,456 --> 00:18:31,284
What are you talking about?
447
00:18:31,327 --> 00:18:33,416
Gifts aren't conditional--
they're gifts!
448
00:18:33,460 --> 00:18:35,592
You give them to people
because you love them.
449
00:18:35,636 --> 00:18:37,420
They're not something
you can take away
450
00:18:37,464 --> 00:18:38,943
because of some petty slight.
451
00:18:38,987 --> 00:18:40,380
You're not
teaching people anything.
452
00:18:40,423 --> 00:18:42,251
You haven't gotten back at them.
453
00:18:42,295 --> 00:18:43,861
They don't even know
they've upset you.
454
00:18:43,905 --> 00:18:45,211
All you have done here is-is...
455
00:18:45,254 --> 00:18:48,344
constructed a monument
to your own insanity!
456
00:18:48,388 --> 00:18:50,607
What kind of a person
does that?!
457
00:18:50,651 --> 00:18:53,958
A lonely...
458
00:18:54,002 --> 00:18:56,787
bitter... old woman.
459
00:18:56,831 --> 00:18:57,788
What?!
460
00:18:57,832 --> 00:18:59,834
Look what I've done.
461
00:18:59,877 --> 00:19:04,273
What use is all these things
to me now?
462
00:19:05,405 --> 00:19:07,450
They could have brought
someone some happiness;
463
00:19:07,494 --> 00:19:09,278
instead, they rot here.
464
00:19:09,322 --> 00:19:10,584
[gasps]
465
00:19:11,498 --> 00:19:15,241
Grandma?My hea... heart.
466
00:19:15,284 --> 00:19:20,202
I... I think it's melting.
467
00:19:21,247 --> 00:19:25,207
Yes... it's melting.
468
00:19:25,251 --> 00:19:28,254
Oh... you showed me the way...
469
00:19:28,297 --> 00:19:31,300
Francis, by yelling at me.
470
00:19:31,344 --> 00:19:33,389
Quick, go get
my magic sled
471
00:19:33,433 --> 00:19:37,088
and me and my reindeers
will go and give Christmas
472
00:19:37,132 --> 00:19:39,482
to all the mean,
stupid, rude people.
473
00:19:39,526 --> 00:19:42,355
We'll all join hands
and sing songs.
474
00:19:42,398 --> 00:19:43,443
And we'll sprinkle
475
00:19:43,486 --> 00:19:44,922
the ingrates with fairy dust
476
00:19:44,966 --> 00:19:46,141
and my...
477
00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:47,708
Are you sure
you want to do this?
478
00:19:47,751 --> 00:19:49,623
Yes. I don't know
what I was thinking;
479
00:19:49,666 --> 00:19:51,407
taking presents
away from children?
480
00:19:51,451 --> 00:19:54,062
What kind of a sick
person does that?
481
00:19:54,105 --> 00:19:56,499
Look, I just want to get
everything out of the garage
482
00:19:56,543 --> 00:19:59,067
set it up in the house,
and have a nice Christmas.
483
00:19:59,110 --> 00:20:00,808
You know what?
484
00:20:00,851 --> 00:20:02,897
Why don't we wake up the boys
and have Christmas tonight?
485
00:20:02,940 --> 00:20:06,901
I can't wait to see the look
on their sweet little faces.
486
00:20:19,566 --> 00:20:22,525
Well, Hal, that was...
487
00:20:22,569 --> 00:20:25,876
smart of you to
wake up the boys
488
00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:31,099
so they could help us
carry in the presents.
489
00:20:32,143 --> 00:20:34,537
Yes... yes... uh...
490
00:20:34,581 --> 00:20:37,192
well, come on,
come on, hurry up, boys.
491
00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:40,413
Yeah.
Sure.
Okay.
492
00:20:49,378 --> 00:20:52,599
[card playing "Jingle Bells"]
493
00:20:54,340 --> 00:20:57,778
I'll cut off his hands and stick
them in his kakooshnyik.
494
00:20:59,736 --> 00:21:03,131
[grunting and groaning]
495
00:21:06,395 --> 00:21:09,355
[music stops]
496
00:21:11,357 --> 00:21:14,534
[another musical card
starts playing in distance]
497
00:21:14,577 --> 00:21:17,537
Yoric greblech!
498
00:21:17,580 --> 00:21:18,799
[gasps]
499
00:21:18,842 --> 00:21:20,148
Roller skates!
500
00:21:20,191 --> 00:21:21,932
Oh, I hope you like
them, sweetie.
501
00:21:21,976 --> 00:21:25,371
Ooh, I think we have another
present here for Reese.
502
00:21:25,414 --> 00:21:27,111
I wonder what it is.
503
00:21:27,155 --> 00:21:29,375
This really is the best
Christmas we've ever had.
504
00:21:29,418 --> 00:21:31,159
I don't know why we didn't try
505
00:21:31,202 --> 00:21:32,552
this whole denial thing
a long time ago.
506
00:21:32,595 --> 00:21:34,510
♪ Buon nataleto you! ♪
32337
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