Original subtitles

Oh...

Aha.

(squeaking)

(sighs)

(engine knocking)

Hal, could you replace that light bulb in the kitchen?

What does it look like I'm doing?!

* Yes, no, maybe

* I don't know

* Can you repeat the question?

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* Life is unfair.

Here we are, Bernard.

This is my cage.

Are you serious?

Mom, Dad...

This is Bernard.

He's the hamster from my class.

Remember? It's my weekend to take care of him.

Dewey, please. This isn't a good time.

I just want you to see how good I could be at taking care him.

Just like how good I would be at taking care of a dog.

I don't know

if I mentioned that all the other kids

in the neighborhood have dogs.

Honey, your father and I need to talk.

I saw a nice one at the pet store.

He's half Great Dane and something else.

I could name him Jeff and...

Go play in your room!

Okay.

I'll put your cage right here, Bernard.

Sorry I talked about wanting a dog in front of you.

Is your brain big enough to get your feelings hurt?

Me neither.

But don't worry, I'll still take really good care of you.

Bernard?

(squeaking)

But, Hal, I thought you were just getting a routine check-up.

That's when they usually find these things.

Can't they do anything?

No, not until they get the biopsy back.

There you are.

You can't call that a shortcut!

A shortcut has to be shorter!

REESE: Says who?

Says the word!

No, a shortcut is just when you don't use regular streets.

So, according to you,

if it took 150 years to cross the street,

just as long as you went through some bushes and trees,

that would qualify as a shortcut?

God, you hate being wrong.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

What is wrong with you?!

Look at that floor!

Oh, sorry.

How many times have I told you

don't track mud into this house?!

We'll clean it up.

That's not good enough!

You're grounded for a week!

What?! You can't do that.

It's just some stupid footprints.

You want to be grounded for two weeks?

Dad?

You heard your mother!

This is ridiculous!

You're being totally unfair!

Just because Malcolm got mud on his shoes

and thoughtlessly tracked it through the house

doesn't mean he should be grounded.

Go to your room. Now!

What is her problem?

Mom and Dad-- their lives are so boring

they have to invent stuff to be upset about.

Are you the biggest idiot to ever walk this Earth?

Good morning.

What'd I tell you to do, jackass?

To paint the kitchen. Which I'm doing.

What kind of a moron paints a kitchen white?

You want to see all the dirt?

What do they teach you in college, anyway?

For your information, I'm a high school dropout.

And I used the paint that you set out for me.

I moved that paint

so you could get to the green, idiot.

Now, you're going to do this over.

I don't care if you're here all night doing it.

What?! That paint you wasted

is coming out of your pay.

Maybe I should

just paint it the same color as your dye job.

What?

He didn't say anything.

I said...

maybe I should just paint it the same color as your dye job,

you sagging, leathery, hatchet-faced,

dried-up old hag.

All right, college boy,

you want it, you got it.

I'm going to kick your ass.

Excuse me?

I'm kicking your ass.

You don't ever disrespect me like that.

Francis, what are you doing?

You can't challenge Lavernia to a fight.

I didn't challenge anybody.

Hey, Lavernia's fighting college boy!

(men shouting)

MAN: We got an opening

Sunday at 2:00 before Mass.

Sunday, 2:00-- your ass, my foot.

This is insane.

There's no way I'm going to fight a woman.

If I don't mind, why should you?

(men oohing, laughing)

Did you see what she did there?

She as much as called him a woman.

It's going to be a bloodbath.

(men laughing, cheering)

(squeaking)

Yeah, you're right, Dewey.

When was the last time we played ball?

I don't know.

Sometimes life just gets away from you

and you forget the things that are really important.

(yelling)

This is crazy.

I have enough on my mind

without worrying about you boys and your shenanigans.

But, Mom... You and your brother are not to leave this room.

I don't want to see you, I don't want to hear you,

I don't want to so much as sense your presence...

For crying out loud, Reese!

There's a mirror right there!

Believe me, I am going to watch that door like a hawk.

What's her problem?

This can't just be about the mud.

There's something else going on.

What have you done lately?

The Richardsons' fire, the Blodgets' windshield,

the Sampsons' fire, the Jacksons' fire.

Nothing she knows about.

This sucks.

Well, if you can't do the time, then don't do the crime.

See you Monday.

Hey, moron.

Do you know what tomorrow night is?

Christine Maxton's party.

What? That's this weekend?

Yeah, and her sister Gina's bringing all their friends

from Catholic school.

I love those girls.

I hear they tongue kiss

whether they like you or not.

It's like shaking hands to them.

It's some kind of cultural thing.

We have to go.

Reese, if I show you a way we can go to the party,

do you promise never to let anyone find out,

even though you're an idiot?

I swear.

Okay.

I was saving this for a life-or-death emergency.

Or a really, really good party.

Tell me!

No way. I'm not hitting Mom with that.

Reese, tomorrow night, after everyone's gone to bed,

we take out the floorboard

and sneak outside through the crawl space.

Wow. Tunneling out of our own room.

She can't lock us in anymore.

Mom's powerless.

Yeah, now she's just a crazy old lady

we happen to live with.

Thanks, Dewey!

There's Dewey. Let's hurt him, fellow idiot.

Yes, I hate him for his handsomeness.

Hi, Dewey.

Hi, Lance.

Well, what do you know.

It's Bernard.

Let me see him.

You can't have him.

That's all right, I can wait.

Next week is my turn to have him.

We're going to have a lot of fun.

You cannot keep the hamster.

He belongs to the class.

But he won't be safe. Dewey, I know you take

good care of him, but you have to share him

with your friends.

Lance is not my friend.

He tore Billy's shirt off after school, and...

(phone ringing)

Hello! Yes, this is he!

He killed a frog and brought it

to school and showed everybody.

Dewey, I said no!

Do you want to be grounded like your brothers?

No.

Man, I've never seen Lavernia this worked up for a fight.

You mean she's done this before?

In the two months I've been here,

she's fought five guys. Consider yourself lucky

you got some warning.

You know Big Don from accounting?

The guy with one ear?

Yeah. He was going to the privy,

and she dropped on him just like a spider.

What is wrong with her?!

We were just having a stupid little argument.

How did it suddenly turn into a fight?

That's how we settle things up there.

There are three other fights scheduled for tomorrow.

Four.

Ned cut in front of Daryl at the mess line.

Well, I hate to disappoint you guys,

but I'm not fighting Lavernia.

Really?

Are you sure?

No, no, he'll fight her.

No, I won't.

Thank you!

Hey, fellas, looks like

we're going to have us a coward's cotillion!

(men cheering)

I'll get the dogs ready.

I'll sharpen the pig-sticker.

Wait-wait-wait. What are you talking about?

Look, fighting's the only entertainment we get up here.

You've seen our TV reception.

So if somebody cheats the boys out of a fight,

they have a coward's cotillion.

What the hell is a coward's cotillion?!

Oh, it's always a little different.

You never know what kind of animal

the blood's going to attract.

So my choices are, I have to fight a woman

or do this stupid cotillion thing?

Well...

there's always the howdy stranger.

(squeaking)

How can they make us wait another 24 hours?

Apparently they're shorthanded at the lab.

Don't they realize this is someone's life?

Don't worry, Bernard.

This is for the best.

I'm setting you free.

You won't have to worry

about anyone being mean to you anymore.

Come on, Bernard, run.

Run like the wind.

You have to do this, Bernard.

It's for your own good.

I'll be okay.

Go on.

I don't want you anymore.

I don't like you.

I never did.

Go on.

Go on, you dumb old hamster.

Bye, Bernard.

Booby-trapped?

A broom handle tied to a string of tin cans.

A classic.

You know, if Mom ever trusted us,

I think she'd be pleasantly surprised.

Yeah, we're basically good kids.

She's so unreasonable.

You almost ready?

Just a sec.

Will you come on?

Remember, if anyone asks, I'm a junior in college.

(faint pounding)

(grunting)

My boys.

You don't know how lucky you are.

Everything is new.

Everything is open to you.

Please don't ever take that for granted.

Make every moment the best you possibly can.

God, I am so proud of all of you.

You kids are the best thing I've ever done.

You'll never know how much I love you.

Maybe you're not supposed to.

Sleep well, my little angels.

(shrieking)

(screaming)

(shrieking)

This was amazing.

I made out with a sophomore.

I am so far ahead of schedule.

Did you see the TV set fly off the roof into the pool?

That was me.

Man, I hope we get grounded next weekend.

(boys screaming)

How dare you?!

How dare you defy us like that?!

Well, we wouldn't have had to if you hadn't been

ridiculously hard over a little mud on the floor!

You two are the most ungrateful,

badly-behaved, inconsiderate boys ever born!

How could you be so heartless?!

What is heartless about going to a party

with a bunch of slutty girls?

Be cool.

You were at a party?

While we were here worrying?!

Can I have a napkin?

I cannot believe you two!

All right, that's it!

You are grounded for the rest of the school year!

You can't do that!

You're crazy!

You do not talk to your mother that way ever!

You will show her nothing but the love

and respect she deserves, whether I am here or not!

This family sucks!

You are ruining our lives!

I wish you were dead!

What was that all about?

I don't know.

She usually just says, "I'm taking you with me."

Lavernia, I want to tell you something.

We'll talk at 2:00.

No, I'm going to tell you this right now.

I hate your guts.

You are the most horrible person

I have ever met.

You are mean, sadistic, twisted and spiteful.

And I owe you an apology.

Because what I said to you

didn't have anything to do with that;

it was just a cheap shot about your looks

and you don't deserve that-- no one deserves that.

You're right.

Thank you.

What the hell are we doing this for, anyway?

This isn't going to solve anything.

We're just putting on a show for bunch of slack-jawed idiots.

I don't know if you think you have to prove something to them

because you're a woman, but you don't.

You came up here all alone

and you built a successful business

in this god-awful place.

You have accomplished plenty.

Oh, my God.

You're coming on to me.

What?

Well, you better peddle your sugar

to somebody else, 'cause this bee ain't buying.

What?!

The last thing I need

is some young punk frolicking in my nethers.

You don't listen to...

I try to talk to you...

Ew!

Do you hear anything?

Mom's still crying.

Did she ever go to sleep?

Around 3:00, she went from sobbing to a quiet whimper.

I'm telling you, she's just trying to psych us out.

I don't think so.

I mean, when was the last time

you heard Dad yell and Mom cry?

You're right.

Something really weird is going on.

They've been whispering a lot, too.

I just figured it out.

Oh, no... oh, no!

(crowd cheering)

(grunts)

Come on. Come on.

Big hit. Big hit. Oh, come on.

(crowd cheering)

(laughs) I've never seen her like this.

What do you expect?

The boy tried to jump in bed with her

without so much as a "howdy-do."

Dude, she's killing you.

Do something.

I will not hit a woman.

Well, then here, take this.

What is it? Screwdriver.

Jab and twist.

I'm not using a screw...

(yelling)

Fight... back.

Fight...

back!

Lavernia, ease up on the boy.

His only crime was loving you.

(whimpers)

You disgust me.

You better run home to mama

so she can kiss your tears away

and make you cocoa and tell you...

(crowd cheering)

For your information,

my mother's a tormenting control freak,

and it would never even occur to her to make me cocoa.

You're going down, college boy.

Bring it on, you toad.

(both grunt)

(crowd cheering)

Ed, Daryl, you're up.

Somebody help me clear this floor.

(sighs)

All right, I'll get the camera.

Remember, if anyone at school asks,

you're name's Bernard.

You like carrots and having your tummy scratched.

HAL: Well, I need to know.

No. We have been waiting for hours.

Now, please...

Negative?! Negative!

That's the good one, right?

Yes! Thank you. Oh, God.

If Mom does a load of blankets, I'll bring you a friend.

Mom, Dad, we have something to say.

We know why you've been crying so much lately.

You don't have to protect us from this.

We think getting a divorce is a great idea.

What? You don't have to stay

together for us-- we've known for years

your marriage was a sham.

REESE: I mean, clearly

your relationship isn't working.

Mom, you need someone who's going to control you better.

And Dad needs someone younger.

MALCOLM: You both deserve some happiness.

In fact, I think we all do.

Amen to that.

So I guess we should be going

to a motel with Dad or something?

Our bags are packed.

And don't worry, Mom,

you'll still be part of our lives.

We'll see you every other weekend,

and feel free to call us anytime.

We've already discussed it.

I get full custody.