Original subtitles

Lois, are you about done in there? No!

Well, you're gonna have to get out, I'm late for work.

Hal, I am not cutting my shower short

because you can't get out of bed in the morning!

I can get up just fine

if somebody didn't turn off my snooze alarm!

That alarm went off every six minutes for an hour!

What are you doing?

I'm getting in, Lois.

You are not!

You will get your shower when I'm finished!

I don't think I'll be able to come in today.

I've got a pretty severe fever,

scratchy throat, cough.

[coughing]

♪ Yes, no, maybe

♪ I don't know

♪ Can you repeat the question?

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big

♪ Life is unfair.

No... no... no... wait.

No... no...

Give me that.

No... no... no... wait.

No, no...

Hi, boys. Got a second?

You boys really have a pretty good life.

Uh-oh.

Spend your days flying kites,

playing video games.

It's about time you found something to do

to enrich your lives.

When did we have kites?

I could never live with myself

if my boys grew up to be selfish little pigs,

so I decided to volunteer you

to do a little charity work.

You can choose between

helping old people or helping poor people.

Or I can make you do both.

Okay, old people.

What can be hard about old people?

Poor people-- we want poor people.

Hi.

I'm Francis.

Mr. Price said I should see you.

Whoo!

I can't believe how cold it is up here.

Of course, it is Alaska,

but still you'd think they could

dome the place or put tunnels in between the buildings.

So you must know my buddy Eric Hansen?

He's the one who set up the logging job for me.

Do you give out the axes?

'Cause I'm a lefty, if that makes any difference.

What's that?

It's a broom, genius.

Now grab an apron, sweep out my pantry

and quit staring at my bosom.

No, you don't understand.

Um, I came up here to work as a logger.

Let me tell you a little something about loggers.

They're filthy, drunken, lowlife swine,

and you are their slave.

You will feed them, do their laundry,

and clean out their privies.

You don't steal, you don't back-talk

and you don't socialize with the Eskimos.

Okay...

What'd I say about back-talk?!

Eric?

Francis?

Hey, what's going on?

I thought you said...

[sobbing]

I don't hear sweeping!

You boys should be so proud of yourselves.

A lot of people are really going to appreciate what you're doing.

You know, I'm going to say a special prayer for you.

Yeah, that should make us even.

Why are we organizing trash?

It's not trash, it's stuff that was donated to the poor.

Look, Reese, it's just like yours.

Yeah, except it's nicer.

It doesn't have holes in it.

Yeah, well, this jacket is better than yours.

You're right.

Everything in here is better than our stuff.

Ha, ha, you're poor.

No wonder I never got a rocket sled.

What are you doing?Trading.

I'm not sure if you're allow...

Think of it this way--

I'm making a donation.

Instead of one poor person getting a new shirt,

now two poor people get one.

What's wrong with that?

I can't move.

Ten hours of scouring deep fat fryers

with a 20-minute break to detick sled dogs?

What's wrong with that woman?

Her name's Lavernia.

She controls every facet of your life up here.

She finds out

what your weakness is

and then she gets inside your head

and starts working it

until she makes you hate yourself.

Women.

They're just like the woods-- mysterious.

Full of wolves.

Whoa, Eric, pull it together, man.

Could be a lot worse.

I mean, at least we're making good money, right?

No, we're not.

Did you see that ledger book of hers?

She charges us for everything

and deducts it from our pay.

Food, rent, aprons.

Hair gel.

My first check was for six dollars.

Great. Generator's out again.

So what are we supposed to do?

Just sit around here in the dark?

No, this isn't dark.

You ever spent the night

in a caribou's gut?

Who is this old coot?

He's my best friend here.

It's so nice of your boys to help us out like this.

We've always loved this old church.

If you cut through the parking lot,

you can bypass that traffic light on Sixth.

Well...

Keep up the good work, boys.

All right, I'll be back in two hours,

during which time I suggest

you think about the horrible...

thoughtless...

whatever it is you did to deserve this punishment.

That's just it-- we didn't do anything.

Mom said we needed to build character.

Your character, right?

Well, see that you do.

What are you doing?

Trading again--

a backpack for a backpack.

Dewey, wait.

A yo-yo isn't equal to a Game Boy.

What if I throw in my Mighty Man?

Okay, two toys for one-- seems fair.

Yeah, I mean, just as long as what we trade is equal,

it seems like...

Whoa, check these out.

Is this fair?

Think of it this way--

when you add in the value of the work we're doing,

they're still way ahead.

Where do you want me to dump this?

You don't dump it.

You take that bucket, heat it up to 190 degrees,

pour it through the hair trap, and make gravy for dinner.

You're going to reuse old, filthy fat?

You like having a job?!

Hey, Lavernia.

I need some licorice, some paper towels

and a six-pack of beer.

Sure, hon.

Oh, no.

it took me six months

to get you paid off last time.

I'm off of that book of yours for good.

Hard cash.

I got it counted out exactly.

Good enough.

Would you like a freshly-baked muffin?

Only eight bucks.

You got to be kidding me.

Eight bucks for a little...

Are those raisins?

Last ones till spring.

Oh!

Quit staring at my caboose!

Get back to work!

Hey, you know what, you don't have to snarl at us every...

God, high school is brutal.

They don't care how much homework

you have in other classes.

They just keep heaping it on.

Is Monday okay?

Make it Friday-- I don't want to ruin your weekend.

Oh, no.

I lost the crystal off my watch.

Didn't your parents give you that?

Yeah.

I saw watches like this

down at the church.

Really? Can you get it for me?

Sure-- as long as you donate

something of equal or greater value.

Okay, how about this aftershave?

My mom got it for me

for parties and dances.

Poor, deluded woman.Sold.

You wouldn't believe all the stuff they've got down there.

Clothes, toys, comics.

Yesterday, a guy dropped off an old Nintendo

with a Double Dragon Four game.

DD4?

The Sacred... Stone?

Yeah, why?

I'll give you $20 for it.

Money?

I guess we could put it in the collection box.

This is great.

The church is only charging five bucks for it.

This way we pick it up,

Stevie gets the game he wants,

and the church gets an extra ten-buck donation.

No, the church would get an extra 15 bucks.

Well, I think we deserve something for our trouble.

Think of it this way--

the church is getting three times the money

they would otherwise.

Yeah, we're making this work for everyone.

Any porcelain tea sets?

Not for me, of course-- for my sister.

Isn't your sister at Vassar?

Look, do you want the cash or not?

"And my job in Alaska is great.

"I'm making tons of money and lots of great friends,

"so your dire predictions of me

"being miserable and taken advantage of

were, as always, dead wrong."

Well, he's a good boy, Lois.

All our sons are good kids.

You know Mrs. Potts down at the church?

She says the boys have been a godsend.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Where you boys off to?

We told Mrs. Potts we'd be back right after lunch.

Charity's fun-- thanks, Mom.

Well, what do you know?

I finally feel like we're doing something right with those kids.

♪

This is ridiculous.

The wolves had me treed for half an hour on the way there.

I have just about had... Ow!

You can't treat us like this!

This isn't human.

We're citizens.

This is America.

Isn't it?

[crying]: I'm sorry, Francis.

This is all my fault.

Stop crying.

It's okay, man.

No, it isn't.

God, you must hate me.

Oh, come on.

You're my friend.

I can't hate you.

[Pete playing "Strangers in the Night" on harmonica]

Um, sorry.

I thought I was picking up a vibe.

Look...

Lavernia may be evil

and she may be tough,

but we're better than her

and we can find a way to beat her.

How? Our lives are controlled by that ledger book of hers.

Everything we do puts us deeper in dept.

This is precisely what military school prepared us for.

To wage war

against all authority no matter what the odds.

She may be a cruel, manipulative monster,

but Mom can't win every round.

Who?

Lavernia.

We got to get her back even harder.

We got to get her where she lives.

We got to get that book.

I hate that book.

You know what book I hate?

Valley of the Dolls.

What kind of ending was that?

Okay, Stevie's looking

for some Pam Grier memorabilia

if he can keep it here.

As long as he's got the money,

the church doesn't care.

And the guy at the liquor store says

he'll take the bread maker.

You know what? We're up to $159.

What do you think

we should do with it?

I say we buy a saddle.

Once we have the saddle,

Mom and Dad can't say no to the horse.

I don't want a horse.

We all worked for this. I say we vote on what we get.

Dewey?

Can God see everything we do?

What?

Mrs. Potts said

God sees everything we do.

Yeah, Dewey,

God can magically see through roofs.

What are you

worried about?

We're not doing anything wrong.

Then how come we have money?

Well, uh, sometimes when you do good things,

good things happen for you.

Satisfied?

I mean, think of it this way, Dewey,

people are still getting the things they need,

and, uh, okay, we do have some money,

but, uh, the church does, too.

So, I mean, no one's really getting hurt, and...

[floor creaks in hallway]

This is bad.

I say once we get the saddle, we should just quit.

We're not getting the saddle.

This was a mistake from the beginning.

I should have known something was wrong

when youstarted making so much sense.

This is your fault.

You're the one that's supposed to be smart enough

to keep us out of trouble.

And that's why you're going to hell.

We're all going to hell!

You guys

seen the remote

for...

What's going on?

Dad, we've done something terrible.

It might just be the worst thing we've ever done.

All right, just calm down.

Let's talk this through.

It can't be that bad.

You've been stealing money from the church?!

And maybe some merchandise.

Oh...

Oh... you boys have been taking stereos!

Toys!

Is that cheese?

Oh, God.

[whimpering]: Oh...

I need to sit.

[gasping]

Ha... oh...

Oh, my God.

Dewey, get a washcloth.

My boys are thieves.

Here you go, Dad.

Here.

[sighing]

Nice and even.

[breathing and whimpering]

You stole air?

What is wrong with you boys?!

Do you ever stop and think

of the consequences of anything that you do?

Do you realize the shame

that you're going to bring upon

our entire family?!

Do you?!

Forget that. What's Mom going to say?

All right, what we're going to do

is sneak this stuff back into the church,

and no one will ever know this happened. Understood?

You know, the church just left us alone with all that stuff.

I think it was entrapment.

Reese, look, I don't want to hear any more excuses.

I'm tired of you boys not taking respons...

Oh, damn!

It's God!

He found us!

It's not God, Dewey.

It's just my crappy car.

Although in a larger sense

I suppose he could have helped out my career

a bit from time to time.

Throw a promotion my way once in a while!

So you're right. Maybe it is God!

Hey, I don't want to scare anyone,

but this is the street Mom takes home from work,

and she gets off in ten minutes!

Son of a...

Geez.

Oh...

Oh, hey, you, sir.

How would you like a shirt?

Three shirts and maybe some pants to go with them.

What are you, about a 34 waist?

What are you doing? I don't want any of these.

Why not? They're free!

What's wrong with them?

Nothing.

Oh, for God's sake, just give me five bucks.

All right.What's going on here?

He's selling me all this stuff for five bucks.

Really?

Oh, I'll give you five for that little TV.

Deal.

Okay, all right, gather around!

Gather around!

I've got a good-as-new stereo system.

Who's next?

MAN: I am.

This your stuff?

Uh... all right, I know how this must look, Officer,

but I can assure you, I didn't steal any of these things.

My boys took them from a church.

Neither one of you nimrods leave till that grill is spotless.

And after you've done that,

I want you to get that jar of poison

and bait those rat traps.

That doesn't make any sense.

Why do we need to poison them if we have traps?

Because I'll fire your ass.

Perfect.

Nice job with the tape.

Thanks.

See, most people put the tape on too tight,

so you don't get that realistic clang.

Come to Papa.

The best part is, everyone hates her so much,

she'll never be able to pin this on us.

Oh, my God. Look at this next to my name.

"Emotionally dependent on pornography.

Loves nut clusters."

How does she know I love nut clusters?

[fence clinks]

[groaning and grunting]

You took the tape off the door!

You dragged me to Alaska!

[both crying]

Listen, if you do hear from them, please call me.

[phone rings]

Yes? Hal, you had me worried sick.

The police said they released you three hours ago.

What's going on?

I know by now you've heard everything.

I just think it's prudent that the boys and I

disappear for a little while.

Hal, where are you?

I'm afraid that I'm not at liberty to reveal that, Lois.

MAN: Bus number 23 for Omaha is ready for boarding.

Hal, you're a middle-aged man.

You can't run away from home.

Well, I have a credit card

that begs to differ, Lois.

Hang up, Dad, she's tracing the call.

Don't you dare hang up that phone!

Hal, you're not going to do this.

You and the boys are going to come home right now.

And why would I do that?

Because you love me too much to run away.

That-that may be true, Lois.

But maybe we'll just have to--

going to have-have a long- distance relationship

for a while.

Some-some of those can work.

Hal, have you thought for two seconds

what your life would be like without me?

Well, no, I don't...

Do you have any idea how much you'd miss me? Do you?

Yes.

Yes, yes, I... I have some idea.

Dad, you're folding.

He's folding!

I knew we should have paid that wino

to make the call.

Uh, honey...

we're back.

Hey, guys.

Why don't you wash up? Dinner's ready.

I made your favorite.

Meat loaf and mashed potatoes.

Okay.

Great.

Why isn't she mad?

What happened?

All of our stuff's gone.

That's right.

I gave it all to charity.

You now have two changes of clothes.

One for school and one for home.

Something wrong?

No problem. No, we're fine.No, of course not.

More wine?

Please.

So, how long is it going to take us

to work off all this stuff?

Well, this...

should put us into the 23rd century.

Sesame cracker?

Hmm, don't mind if I do.

[sighs]

I've been lying here, thinking about God.

I don't know much--

just that he's this all-powerful, all-knowing being.

Kind of like Mom, only invisible.

So I feel better being on his good side for a while.

And you know what?

We probably all spend a little too much of our lives

focusing on material things.

What are you doing?

Praying.No, you're not!

He's got chocolate!Get him!

[screams]Come on, give it.