Original subtitles

You would not.I would too.

No clothes at all.

Go all the way across the street

and ring Mrs. Conlin's doorbell.

Yeah, I would totally do it,

but you don't have ten bucks.

Dewey?

Ah-ah-ah.

No underwear.

No clothes at all.

Of course.

What are you doing?

You said no clothes.

I'll be right back, losers.

I never thought he'd do it.

I guess he outsmarted us.

You opened her gate, right?

Of course.

[dog barking]

REESE: Good dog, good dog...

Go away! Somebody help! No! No!

[screaming]

♪ Yes, no, maybe

♪ I don't know

♪ Can you repeat the question?

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big

♪ Life is unfair.

So the universe...

can be... finite...

and unbounded...

but if...

Are you... listening?

Oh, my God. Sara Coleman is so beautiful.

Look at the way she runs her hand through her hair.

And that smile.

You look at her and you can't even see anyone else.

Every day... you do this.

Ask her... out.

Come on, Stevie.

Sara would never go out with me.

She's smart, she's cool, she's good-looking,

and if we went out together, it would make me happy.

So therefore, it will never happen.

I am destined to be the most miserable person on earth.

Boo...

...hoo.

Shut up.

Look, it's complicated, okay?

You don't just walk up to a girl and say, "Hey, I like you."

You'd look like an idiot.

You have to know the right way to say things and...

Sara wants to know if you like her.

What?He likes her!

Oh. She likes him, too.

Remember yesterday when we were sitting around,

and then we got a drink of water,

and then we sat around again?

We should totally do that again.

Okay.

Look at me. It's official.

I have a girlfriend!

I'm officially someone's boyfriend!

Watch this.

I can do that any time I want.

I hate this part.

This where we have to split up so my family won't see us.

I'll miss you.

You're a really good kisser.

Thanks.

Bye.

"Thanks?"

What does that mean?

What's wrong with the way I kiss?

Are my lips too wet?

Maybe they're too dry.

I don't see why she couldn't just return the compliment!

God, I'm the worst boyfriend ever.

Okay, just calm down.

I'm a good boyfriend.

She wouldn't be my girlfriend if I wasn't.

I have a girlfriend!

I don't understand.

All I did was take a donut out of a Dumpster!

How is that stealing?

I had to fight a cat to get it!

Well, the restaurant owner wants to press charges.

There's nothing I can do.

Look, I know the guy.

He's a bit of a hothead, but I promise you

he'll lose interest in four or five days.

Four or five days?!

I have to start a logging job up in Mamu, and I'm late as it is!

It won't be so bad.

Three square meals a day, courtesy of my wife.

You look like you could use some home cooking.

What would you like for dinner?

Chicken or a nice porterhouse steak?

A porterhouse, I guess.

Oh, you're going to love her cooking.

Well, thank you.

At first, I had no idea what was going on.

And then I realized I was looking

at a 425 requisition form.

[chuckling]

Shelby had filled it out thinking it was a 428.

Oh, this isn't interesting, is it?

No, wait, it is.

You just need to know what a 425 form is.

You see, there's a subtle difference between...

Dewey, how was your day?

I've got a new friend.

His name's Ronnie. He just moved here.

He's got a Nintendo, a Playstation and a nanny.

He's really rich.

Oh? Nice to meet you, Ronnie.

No! He's real.

I can make real friends, too.

Oh, of course you can, honey. Just don't be too frustrated

if it takes you a little bit longer than the other boys.

Ronnie is real!

Reese! What are you doing?!

Malcolm's got a girlfriend.

What?!Son, is this true?

Reese!Damn, I was saving that for report card day!

She's not...

We're just friends.

Malcolm, look at me!

Oh, my God, it's true...

Malcolm, no! You do not do this yet!

I saw them behind the 7-Eleven, French-kissing.

That's with tongue, Mom.

Don't you want to go to college?

Don't you care about your future?

Malcolm, you are not mature enough

to prioritize between homework and some prepubescent tramp!

Your mother is right, son.

I waited until I was 11 before I kissed my...

Wait, how old are you? Never mind.

What I'm saying is, it was a different time back then.

There was a war on.[doorbell ringing]

I'll get it.

Maybe that's Malcolm's girlfriend

who's come over for a little French-kissing.

Who is this girl?

Mom, don't make such a big deal out of this.

I didn't tell anyone because I knew

this is exactly how you people would react.

This is none of your business.

It's nobody's business!

It's not a big deal, okay?!

Well, it's not.

And I would appreciate it if we could just drop it.

This is Ronnie DeMarco.

As you can see, he's real.

Ow!

Hmm...

Interesting.

We'll be in my room.

[door slamming]

I can't believe how much stuff you have.

Want to play cowboys?

Nah, I hate cowboys.

You can have 'em.

Really? Thanks!

No take-backs.

Hey.

Ronnie, would you please

empty the dishwasher for Mommy?

[sighing]: Okay...

Okay.

So, Dewey, come here, come here.

Ronnie's birthday's coming up,

and I want to throw him a surprise party.

But he doesn't know that many people here

because of the move and all.

And I thought maybe since you're his first friend

here in the neighborhood, you could help me.

Okay.Okay, now,

I want to invite your entire class.

All 30 kids?

Well, yeah, isn't that what you do

for your birthday parties?

[whistling]

Oh? What are we celebrating?

BOTH: One, two, three, four, five...

Damn it, you get back here right now!

I wish I was dead!

Sorta.

I was thinking Ronnie would like

a Star Warstheme for his party.

No, do cowboys!

What? Cowboys.

He likes cowboys better than Star Wars.

Okay, that'll be fun.

[whispering]: Thank you, Dewey.

Oh, Brock...

Vanessa?

You're trembling. What's wrong?

Chad's getting suspicious.

You know he's been asking

questions at the orphanage.

We need to get out of here.

And say good-bye to all that money? I don't think so.

We just need to bide our time.

How can I trust you, Brock,

when you haven't even told Cassandra about us yet?

Have a heart, Vanessa. The woman's still in a coma.

Coma?

Hey, honey.

I just got back from the mayor's office.

He thinks he's going to kill our little real estate deal.

We can't let him do that! What about those pictures

of him and the Hastings girl?

They're on their way to the newspapers right now.

We're going to destroy the old bastard.

Perfect. Now all we have to worry about is old man Landers.

CHAD: Mmm.

VANESSA: Maybe we should send Largo

to pay him a little visit.

[both chuckle]

What'd I miss?

Mr. Herkabe just called.

He said you got Cs on your last two tests

and you didn't even turn in your history paper.

I warned you about this, Malcolm!

Mom, this has nothing to do with Sara.

I just forgot.

I'm doing it now, okay?

So, what kind of socks are you wearing?

Yeah, I like those.

Which shoes are you wearing?

Not the sneakers?

How about your boots?

Your sandals.

God, I, like, totally love all your shoes.

Yeah, I guess I have homework to do, too.

You hang up first.

No, you hang...[dial tone]

Hello?

This is all your fault, Hal.

You're the one who bought him that acne medicine.

I thought we were safe.

I mean, he's still goofy-looking.

His head is like five times too big for his body.

We shouldn't have to worry about this with Malcolm.

He's gifted. He's in genius classes.

Girls aren't supposed to be interested in him

until he's 28 and a billionaire.

Well, certain things are beyond the boy's control, Lois.

It's his genetics.

The girls, they just swoon.

Sorry. What am I telling you for?

You battle with it every day.

There's nothing we can do.

Oh, yes, there is. I can ground him.

And I can ground him again.

And I can keep on grounding him

until he graduates from Harvard.

Lois, if we push too hard,

he's just going to pull away.

And then we'll have another Francis on our hands.

Are you blaming Francis on me?

What? No!

That's what you said.

No, I meant that...

Lois, please, l-let's... let's not have this veer off

into us somehow not having sex tonight.

Oh, God!

Why do they do this to us?

Why can't they learn from their mistakes?

Do you think they're just being stupid on purpose?

It seems like the only logical conclusion.

When they're grown and they have families of their own,

we don't have to let them visit, do we?

Absolutely not, sweetie.

It's just going to be you and me,

old and shriveled,

alone in a big, empty house,

the only sound the gentle sucking of the respirator.

And all our money will be sitting in a bank

helping no one.

You guys seen Sara?

No.

That's weird.

She's two minutes late.

Were you supposed to meet her here?

Well, no, not exactly.

But it was implied.

Implied?

It's our thing. It's what we do.

We meet at the water fountain at 8:00.

We're always within 30 seconds

of each other in the lunch line,

and when I get home every night,

I wait four minutes before I call her.

That's how it's always been.

That's our thing.

Wow.

I didn't know having a girlfriend was so creepy.

It's not creepy!

This is totally normal.

This is dating.

You spend time with each other,

get to know each other's habits.

When you're in a relationship, you'll understand.

But until then, back off.

I'll just hang out outside the bathrooms.

Hi, Mrs. DeMarco.

Sorry to bother you,

but the nanny put too much banana in my smoothie.

Oh, well, we'll fix that, honey.

[whispering]: I just booked the cowboy.

He's going to be passing out cowboy hats

and making balloon animals.

Does he do trick-shooting?

Well, if he doesn't,

I'm sure we can find someone who does.

I bet Ronnie'd like a moonbounce, too.

This relationship is finally starting to make sense.

For a while, all we did was fight, then make out.

Then fight, then make out.

But that's all behind us.

We were screaming at each other five minutes ago.

But now it just feels so right.

Wait. What are you doing? Where are you going?

Home.

We've been kissing for two hours.

My face is sore.

Yeah, she's right.

We can't make out all day.

We've both got our own things to do.

She's so smart when it comes to these things.

If you're seeing someone else, just tell me!

What?!

I'm sorry.

I don't know where that came from.

Look, I got to go home.

I'll call you tonight.

That was pathetic.

You were watching us?!

Believe me, it's the last time.

You know, just because you have a girl

doesn't mean you should act like one.

I don't know what's wrong with her.

She's driving me crazy.

I freak out, like, 20 times a day.

Dude, you think about everything too much.

You just got to calm down, turn off your brain.

It's not that easy.

Sure, it is. I do it all the time.

Watch.

You can't just turn off your...

Reese?

Reese?

Whoa...

How long was I out?

BROCK: And as I pulled her from the wreckage,

she was so disfigured

that I didn't even know it was my own sister!

VANESSA: Don't worry.

Dimitri is the finest

reconstructive surgeon in the state.

Who's Dimitri?

The head of Municipal Hospital.

He and Vanessa had an affair last year, then he...

Shut up in there!

Oh, man, who's got their assignment on Cambodia?

I need to borrow it.

Where were you... last night?

What?

The Space 1999marathon

on the Sci-Fi Channel.

I made you a tunic. And a hologram badge.

Dabney, I...Forget it!

I gave it to my mom's boyfriend.

Thanks for nothing.

Guys, look, I'm sorry.

I've just been...

Sara and I were on the phone...

Never mind, I'm just sorry.

I promise this won't happen again.

I think I turned a corner on this thing.

Sara and I were talking, and, uh, it just came to me.

I think we worked things out.

Can you guys excuse me for a second? I'll be right back.

He does seem... sorry.

I say we cancel our vote of censure.

I second that.

After all, he was there for us after the Arboretum burnt down.

And how can you look in those eyes

and say no to anything he asks?

[both sigh]

I think... he's learned... his lesson.

Okay, only two invitations left.

Ronnie's going to have a moonbounce

and a make-your-own-sundae cart.

I'll go.

Maybe you will.

What kind of present would you bring?

Skateboard.

Excellent choice.

Ronnie already has a brand-new skateboard.

Why don't you let me worry about Ronnie?

Sit.

Look at yourself.

They put you on probation.

Probation!

If you do just

one more thing wrong,

they're going to kick you out of school!

Do you have any idea how serious this is?

Is this who you want to be?

You want to be some little lapdog

who ruins his life for some girl?

For God's sake, Malcolm,

you beat up a foreign exchange student!

Poor little Zadoc

left his country to get away from this kind of abuse!

Are you even listening to me?

Yes, I'm listening!

But you know what, Mom? I've got bigger problems!

You may not have noticed,

but I've been screwing up a lot lately.

All because of some stupid girl.

I'm on probation!

I beat up a kid who doesn't even speak English!

I am going through a lot right now,

and you don't even care!

VANESSA: We can still

pull this off.

You'll never pass the DNA test, Vanessa.

And even your lies aren't going to be enough this time.

But, Brock, if you didn't buy the mining rights, then who did?

BROCK: Don't either of you two see what's going on?

The person who bought the mining rights

is the same person

who stole Mrs. Bronson's diamond brooch.

And the person who ran Nathaniel's car

off the road that night.

That person's name is...

Okay, you're free to go.

Shh!Come on, move it!

What? No, no, no! You can't do this to me.

Just give me five more minutes!

Let's go.

Wait! No! hang on!

Wait, it was the mayor, right?

No, the Widow Farthington!

And what about the creepy janitor?

Oh, no, no, no!

His amnesiac brother!

[shrieks]

[door slamming]

[bell ringing]

I didn't understand one word

that was said in the last six hours.

I'm exhausted.

I couldn't sleep all night.

But I finally figured out what I got to do.

Sara, wait up!

Look, I've done a lot of thinking,

and we need to talk.

Sara, this just isn't working.

Since I've known you,

I've been nothing but obsessive and neurotic

and a totally jealous creep who's way too clingy.

I don't like what this relationship

has turned me into, so...

I got you this pager.

What? It's perfect.

See, now we'll know exactly where the other one is

every second of the day. No more worry, no more doubt.

We'll finally be able to trust each other.

It's perfect.

We have to break up, Malcolm.

I don't think you heard me.

In fact, I'm proposing the exact opposite of that.

That's what the pager's for.

I'm sorry.

Good-bye.

No.

No! No!

Sara!

[echoing]

You can't break up with me!

Because I am filled with nothing but love and good feelings

and no anger and no jealousy.

And none of those bad things that will lead to you

not wanting to be with me!

Okay, fine!

Get out of here!

I don't need you anyway!

I hate your guts!

I never needed you!

No, no, no, no.

I love you!

I always have!

I always will!

We were meant to be together!

I gave you my soul, Sara!

I gave it to you!

My soul!

My soul...

Sara!

♪ Yippie ki-yay

♪ Just rolled off his tongue

♪ That's how the West was won... ♪

MRS. DeMARCO: Here you go, sweetheart.

You know, I always thought you hated cookie dough.

So, are you having a good time?

Yeah, Mom.

Thanks.

Well, you really should thank Dewey, too.

He was a big help in planning all of this.

[laughing]: I got you!

You're dead!

You ruined my birthday!

I hate you!

I've had two sundaes and four snow cones.

Malcolm, let go.

Come on, come on.

I can't feel my fingers.

Hey, I'll go get us some more punch.

How does that sound, huh?

You know, son, this is all part of growing up.

You're just going to have to get used to it.

No, I don't.

I can go back.

I can go back.

What are you doing?

Playing.

I'm going to play.

You can't! You're too big.

No, I'm not.

I'm going back.

No.

You're too big!

You're going to ruin my party!

GIRL: You can't be in here.

♪ Sunny day

♪ Sweeping the clouds away

♪ On my way to where the air is sweet... ♪

[screaming]

[cowboy yodeling]

Okay, don't panic!

Okay, okay.

Ah.

[grunting]

[laughs]

You're okay. Don't be scared!

Oh! Don't be afraid, son.

It was just a loud explosion.

Everything is going to be okay!

Don't be afraid anymore.

[high-pitched whistling]

Just once, I'd like to learn a lesson

without something exploding.

♪ That's how the West was won.