All language subtitles for Malcolm.In.The.Middle.S03E03.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG

What are you doing?

They started
showering in gym class.

* Yes, no, maybe

* I don't know

* Can you repeat the question?

* You're not the boss
of me now *

* You're not
the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss
of me now *

* And you're not so big

* You're not the boss
of me now *

* You're not
the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss
of me now *

* And you're not so big

* Life is unfair.

(giggling)

(burping): Could you pass the
peas, please?

(laughing)

(burping):
Thank you.

(laughing)

(burping): You're welcome.

(laughing)

Hal.

(burping):
All right, boys, that's enough.

(laughing)

(breaking wind)

(all laughing)

Do you think for once

we could have a civilized
conversation during dinner,

free of sound effects?

Your mother's right. I don't
think it's asking too much

for us to have some
nice dinner conversation.

Malcolm, how was school today?

History class was cool.

Really? Tell us about it.

Jimmy Perkins
kicked the crap

out of Fred Nason right
outside our window.

REESE: He beat up Fred Nason?
That dude's huge.

I know! I couldn't
believe it.

Fred knocked Jimmy's hat off,

and Jimmy turned and
punched him in the face,

like, five times in a row
in, like, a second.

Fred fell in the bush
and then he just started

hitting him and hitting
him and hitting him.

It was awesome.

Jimmy Perkins is crazy.

It's like I've always
told you boys--

crazy beats big every time.

(breaking wind)

(laughing)

(laughter stops)

So, how was your day, dear?

Hey, Eric, it's Francis.

How's Alaska?

Francis, where are you?

You were supposed to be here
two weeks ago.

I know, but no one
will pick me up.

I ran out of money and had to
work tarring roofs for a week.

Apparently there's
a serial killer

loose in Idaho
who looks just like me.

You'd better get here soon.

I don't know how much longer
they'll hold the job.

I'm almost there.

Listen, do I take
the Provincial Highway 99

or do I take the 27
to Provincial Highway 12?

What? Where are you?

I'm close to British Columbia.

I'm in Bellingham, Washington.

Francis, you're still
2,000 miles away.

What? No way.
I got to be near Alaska.

I just exchanged all my money
for Alaskan dollars.

There's no such thing
as Alaskan dollars.

Sir!

Are you almost
finished with that?

What have you got in mind?

I need you to watch the boys
next Tuesday night.

I've joined a book club.

Oh, Lois,
you don't want to do that.

I joined a record club once,
and they hounded me for years.

It's not that
kind of a club, Hal.

This is women from school--
adults-- discussing books.

Oh.

I live in a house

filled with boys.

I listen to boy talk

and boy noises.

I need to spend some time
with females.

Mm-hmm.

Whenever I see them
at the PTA meetings,

they always invite me to do
things with them and I never go.

Mm-hmm, yeah.

I need to do this for my sanity.

Yeah.
Hee-hee-hee-hee, yes.

Yeah.
Are you even
listening to me?

Of course I am.

Here's what I think:

this book club is
a great idea, Lois.

It's about time you did
something like this.

You have a brilliant
and beautiful mind

that needs challenging.

I just hope those other
women can keep up with you.

Now, make a wish.

Okay, I left the phone number
on the counter.

The dishes are soaking
in the sink.

I took the batteries
out of the remote

and I put them
in the smoke detector--

just for tonight.

Would you relax, honey?

You're off the clock.

This is supposed to
be your night out.

Just enjoy yourself, huh?

Stop worrying.
Yeah, Mom.
Have fun.

Oh, oh, oh.

Uh, remember to take

the garbage cans
to the curb tonight.

Would you please
stop worrying?

Just go have some fun.

Now?

No. Let's let Mom
get a few blocks away.

Right. This could
be a trick.

What are you guys
talking about?

We've got some fireworks
buried in the backyard.

We're going to dig them up
while Mom's gone.

Tracy Hines is having a party

tomorrow night and
we're not invited.

Our justice will be swift
but fair.

We'll be fine!

Okay, I don't want
to screw this up.

Lois needs time to herself.

She deserves a night out.

She'll have a great time
and then come home all happy.

I just have to somehow
keep the boys under control.

Oh, what am I talking about?
They're good kids.

What am I talking about
"what am I talking about"?

They're monsters!

They'll destroy everything
and then ruin Lois's night,

and then, then she'll feel
like we can't be trusted
on our own.

She'll never want to have
a night out again,

and it will all be my fault!

We're going out back.

You're not going anywhere.

You're going to stay

in your room all night
with the door shut! Now go!

Go!

Mmm. This cheddar is wonderful.

It is good.

So, I really
liked the book.

Really?

Oh, Karen, let's have
some more of that wine.

I like the way
the author shifted

the voice of the narrator
from character to character.

Oh...

well, I'll just have to
take your word on that.

I didn't really read the book.

Oh.

Was anyone else confused
by those flashbacks?

Am I the only one
who read the book?

Actually, Lois, we don't make it
mandatory to read the book.

What?
I mean, we're all busy.

But that shouldn't
prevent us

from enjoying a
relaxing evening

every once in a while.

Lois, don't you feel you deserve

one night away
from the bickering,

the yelling
and the TV blaring?

Away from all

the stupid little problems

that can't seem to be solved
without you?

Little more.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you for stopping.

Oh, glad to.
My name's Roy.

I'm Francis.
God, it's freezing out there.

I've been standing in that same
stretch of road for six hours.

People were actually flipping
me off as they drove past me.

Why would they do that?

So, how far you going?

Mamu.

I'm going up to Green River.

I can take you almost
the whole way.

Oh, my God, really?

It's taken me the last
three days to get 20 miles.

(choking up):
Thank you.

You okay?

Yeah. It's just...

people aren't very nice.

You want some coffee?

Yes.

And when I was leaving,

my mom and I are yelling
and screaming at each other

and she's still finding
the time to tell the cab driver

which route to take
to the bus station.

She's a total control freak.

She sounds like
she's afraid.

What would my mom
have to be afraid of?

Well, she could be afraid

that if she doesn't control
every aspect of her life

or the lives of the
people she cares about,

that horrible things
will happen.

Like what horrible things?

Well, maybe her oldest son

moving 5,000 miles
away from her?

All right, you got me there.

You're pretty smart.

Well, I'm on the road
18 hours a day.

Gives me a lot of time
to think about things,

about people, why they
do the things they do.

I'm kind of a wannabe
psychiatrist.

Well, I'm just glad
to finally be out of it.

I got a line
that I'm not going to cross

and if anyone tries to push me
across it, I'm gone.

Well, sure,

everybody's got a line.

But what's interesting is,
everyone's line is different.

Sometimes it moves.

I mean, look at your
situation right here.

It is freezing cold, there's
no other cars on the road.

Hypothetically, if I said

"Put on a curly, red wig

or I'll throw you
out of the truck,"

are you really going to go
back out into the cold?

Yeah, but that's ridiculous.

You can't use a silly example
like that to prove...

You're kidding.

Okay, okay.

You haven't made a sound
in a half an hour!

What's going on in here?

Nothing.
I expect perfect behavior

out of you boys tonight.

Trust me, if you try anything--
anything at all--

I will be on you like
a rainbow on an oil slick!

Okay, this is good.

You sent them a message.

Fired a shot across their bow.

Now they know who's in charge.

Maybe I was too harsh.

If the boys push back,

they might do something
ten times worse

and spoil everything for Lois.

Don't go soft.

All these boys understand
is the iron fist.

No. I need to get them
on my side.

Dewey, you be lookout
while we dig up the fireworks.

What's going on with Dad?

I don't know.

Maybe he's dealing
with something at work.

I hope he's
going to be okay.

At his age, carrying around
that kind of tension

can't be good for you.

Whoa! Dad's here.

Who wants ice cream?

So, I come home
after working a ten-hour shift

and I see my boys,

and they're
covered with grass

and they're covered with
paint, and they look at me

and you know what
all they can say is?

"Where's dinner?"

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Too much is
expected of us.

Well, our society
is just so screwed up.

30 years ago, you could just
at least pick something

and go with it.

A housewife,
a career woman, sex slave.

But now you're supposed to do
everything, and it's impossible!

Unless you're
Lillian Miller.

Oh, yeah.

You know, if it
weren't for me,

my family would be naked,

living in trees,
eating berries.

I mean, do they appreciate
what I do for them? No!

No.

Lillian Miller's family

just surprised her
with a trip to Spain.

Really? No kidding.

You know, the other day

I discovered a two-
inch long hair

growing out of my shoulder.

I mean, how long
has that been there?

I don't even have time
to put myself together
in the morning.

Lillian Miller...

brought 20 homemade cakes
to the school bake sale.

I had those.

They were delicious.

The woman just cooks like a god,
but she never puts on a pound.

You can't be 45
and still be a size two.

That's children sizes.
That's for children!

And Lillian!

Yeah.

You know, ladies,

I just realized something.

Society isn't the thing
that's making us miserable.

I mean, hell, we're society.

Uh-huh, yeah.

No, no.

Every single one of our
problems can be traced back

to that tight-assed,
overachieving,

marathon-running,
master chef,
Lillian Miller.

* Mademoiselle
from Armentieres *

* Parlez vous

* Mademoiselle
from Armentieres *

* Parlez vous

* She got the palm
and croix de guerre *

* For washing
soldiers' underwear *

* Hinky-dinky, parlez vous.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!
What?

It's "Hinky-dinky,
parlez vous."

That's what I said, Roy.

No. You said,
"Inky-dinky."

Now you've got
to start over.

I'm not starting over.

It's freezing out there.

I can barely feel
my lips anymore.

* Mademoiselle
from Armentieres *

* Parlez vous

* Mademoiselle
from Armentieres *

* Parlez...

Thanks for
the ice cream, dad.

Oh, you're welcome, Dewey.

Don't worry about this mess.
I'll take care of it.

Boys, just sit there
and... relax.

All right,
what the hell is going on?

I'm not sure, but I think

he's feeling guilty
about something.

Maybe we can exploit it.

How?
Why don't we send
Dewey in there crying

about the train set
Mom put in the attic?

Mom didn't put a train set
in the attic.

Exactly. When he's up
there trying to find it,

you and I can dig up
the fireworks

before mom gets home.

Dewey, we need you to cry.

But it's got to be the
right kind of crying.

Not sobbing,
more of a whiny sound

with a penetrating quality.

Give me a moment.

Okay, that was a good idea.

The boys are happy.

I think you've got them
motivated to behave themselves,

and, and Lois is,
is going to see

that I can handle them
without her.

Are you kidding me?

You've gone soft.

You've totally
lost the boys' respect.

Lois isn't going to like this.

Come on.

They're under control.

But what if they aren't?

What if they're
just pretending to behave

so they can set you up?

(dishes clanging)

You've got to
occupy these boys,

keep them so busy,
they don't have time
to get in trouble.

How am I going
to keep them busy?

Well, you'd better
find a way.

(Dewey crying)

Dad, Dewey really
wants you to...

Boys, let's spend a
little time together.

We can, uh... Ah!
I know, I know!

We can, uh, do
some calisthenics.

What?
Come on, you boys
love to exercise.

But I just ate
a ton of ice cream.

All the more reason.

You are starting to get
a little flabby. Come on.

(laughing)

I'm too full.

Well, when you start moving,
you'll feel better!

Let's go! One, two.

One, two.

One, two.
One, two.

Stupid, stupid.

It was a terrible idea.

It was a great idea.

A great idea
poorly executed.

Terrible idea,
terrible execution.

Why don't you just lock
them in the bathroom

till Lois gets home,
and be done with it?!

(laughter)

Shh!

Look at that house.

It's perfect.

No, no, no!

We didn't come here
for mindless vandalism.

We came to screw
up her car.

Let's see how she feels

when she's ten minutes
late for carpool

like a real person.

She probably
won't even be able

to get out of bed
in the morning.

Yeah, this time next year

she's going to be
living in a trailer

with a little ceramic donkey
in the front yard.

(laughing)

Oh, shh!

Shh!

She's wearing pearls
to make cookies?

Doilies?

What kind of a monster
is this woman?

Oh, God, those
cookies smell good.

Let's kill her
and eat them.

Karen...

why don't you go
stand guard?

Come on.

(snickering)

Shh! Shh!

(stifled laughter)

(laughing)
Shh!

(laughing)

Ooh.

One of us should probably
know something about cars.

Ah, doesn't matter, just
pull some of the wires.

Let's get out of here.

(screaming laughter)

(laughing hysterically)

Karen, Karen.

You got to stop.

Karen.

You got to settle down.

Whoa!

Karen, why don't you see

if you can say
the alphabet backwards.

Z, Y, X, W, V, U, T, S, R, Q

P, O, N, M, L, K, J, I,
H, G, F, E, D, C, B, A.

(giggling)

I've been pulled over
a few times.

Hey! Lillian's gone.

What do you mean
Lillian's gone?

(gasping)

Run!

(screaming)

This is a pointless exercise.
You haven't proven a thing.

You certainly haven't determined
what my limits are.

None of this
has bothered me.

And if you think it has,
the joke is on you.

Clench.

That's the third time

he drove
down that alley.

He knows we're in here.

This is gross.

I can't believe
I'm wearing open-toed shoes.

(crying):
I can't believe I'm hiding
from the cops in a Dumpster.

I just wanted to
talk about books.

Oh, and it was
such a good book, too.

The foreshadowing was effective
without being heavy-handed,

the characters were, were flawed

but compelling,

and the entire story
was brimming with insight

(choking up):
into the human condition.

But how did you even
find time to read it?

Your family sounds
so horrible.

I was lying.

I made all that stuff up
so that I would fit in.

They're wonderful.

I mean, they're idiots,
but at least they try.

They wanted me to have
this nice evening,

and look what
I did with it.

What are you doing?

You'll see.

Go home to your family
and hug them for me.

They sound wonderful.

Hi, piggies!

Over here!

Here, piggy, piggy, piggy.

(grunting)

(squeals)

Come on!

Show me what you got!

Am I supposed to be afraid
of an electric shaver?

(Taser buzzes,
Karen screams)

NARRATOR:
It's lighter
than most other minerals...

Why is he making us watch
a documentary about salt?

Would you rather still be locked
in the bathroom?

Or be chased by
the hug monster?

Will you just
do something?
I'm trying.

But every time we make a move,
he's two steps ahead of us.

He's impossible to predict.

At least with Mom,
you get a little consistency.

But Dad's operating
on a whole other plane.

(sighs)

Hey, they put salt
on French fries.

Ground them.

Cut off their
food supply.

They just need love.

Give them the belt.

(small Hals talking)

(all talking at once)

These are precious years!

Get in the car and go.

(all talking at once)

Shut up!

Okay, that's it.

I am going to take a bath.

I'm asking you boys
one last time to behave.

Not for me

but for your mother.

After all she does for you,

one night of peace
shouldn't be too much

to ask for.

So if you love her,
you will do this for her.

Wow, Francis,

I've never had anyone
empty the box before.

I'm out of props.

You know,
I wasn't on board

with your little
experiment at first,

but I got to admit,

I learned a lot
about myself tonight.

I mean, who am I
to judge other people

for the choices they make?

You know, for now on

I'm going to be a little
more understanding

and a lot more humble.

You want to stop
for some dinner?

What, like this?

Sure.

Why not like this?

Have you ever thought
about writing a book?

Because I'm sure there's
a lot of people...
Hey, Myrna.

What time's the pageant?

Fluffy's collar?

Mom said he ran away.

Get out of there, Dewey.

Tracy really
should have invited us.

This is what people get
for being rude.

Okay, we'll hide these
in the closet tonight.

When we get out,
we'll cover up the hole,

and by the time Mom's home,

we'll be in bed
sleeping like babies.

LOIS:
Boys!

Fireworks?!

Fireworks?!

(grunting)

How did she...?
I don't know.

You boys are in so much trouble.

I can't leave you
alone for a second!

I guess next time I go out,

I'll have to chain you
to the floor.

We tell you to behave,
and you don't even
pretend to listen!

You might as well
cut off your ears

and throw them in the trash
for as little as you use them.

You are grounded
for the next month!

OFFICER:
Get down on the ground

with your hands
behind your head!

And while you're
being punished,

I hope your friends
are doing all sorts of fun stuff

because you won't
be doing any of it!

You are going to suffer!

No TV!

Oh, I should get out there.
No visitors!

Nah, you'd just screw it up.

Good call.