Original subtitles

What are you doing?

They started showering in gym class.

* Yes, no, maybe

* I don't know

* Can you repeat the question?

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* Life is unfair.

(giggling)

(burping): Could you pass the peas, please?

(laughing)

(burping): Thank you.

(laughing)

(burping): You're welcome.

(laughing)

Hal.

(burping): All right, boys, that's enough.

(laughing)

(breaking wind)

(all laughing)

Do you think for once

we could have a civilized conversation during dinner,

free of sound effects?

Your mother's right. I don't think it's asking too much

for us to have some nice dinner conversation.

Malcolm, how was school today?

History class was cool.

Really? Tell us about it.

Jimmy Perkins kicked the crap

out of Fred Nason right outside our window.

REESE: He beat up Fred Nason? That dude's huge.

I know! I couldn't believe it.

Fred knocked Jimmy's hat off,

and Jimmy turned and punched him in the face,

like, five times in a row in, like, a second.

Fred fell in the bush and then he just started

hitting him and hitting him and hitting him.

It was awesome.

Jimmy Perkins is crazy.

It's like I've always told you boys--

crazy beats big every time.

(breaking wind)

(laughing)

(laughter stops)

So, how was your day, dear?

Hey, Eric, it's Francis.

How's Alaska?

Francis, where are you?

You were supposed to be here two weeks ago.

I know, but no one will pick me up.

I ran out of money and had to work tarring roofs for a week.

Apparently there's a serial killer

loose in Idaho who looks just like me.

You'd better get here soon.

I don't know how much longer they'll hold the job.

I'm almost there.

Listen, do I take the Provincial Highway 99

or do I take the 27 to Provincial Highway 12?

What? Where are you?

I'm close to British Columbia.

I'm in Bellingham, Washington.

Francis, you're still 2,000 miles away.

What? No way. I got to be near Alaska.

I just exchanged all my money for Alaskan dollars.

There's no such thing as Alaskan dollars.

Sir!

Are you almost finished with that?

What have you got in mind?

I need you to watch the boys next Tuesday night.

I've joined a book club.

Oh, Lois, you don't want to do that.

I joined a record club once, and they hounded me for years.

It's not that kind of a club, Hal.

This is women from school-- adults-- discussing books.

Oh.

I live in a house

filled with boys.

I listen to boy talk

and boy noises.

I need to spend some time with females.

Mm-hmm.

Whenever I see them at the PTA meetings,

they always invite me to do things with them and I never go.

Mm-hmm, yeah.

I need to do this for my sanity.

Yeah. Hee-hee-hee-hee, yes.

Yeah. Are you even listening to me?

Of course I am.

Here's what I think:

this book club is a great idea, Lois.

It's about time you did something like this.

You have a brilliant and beautiful mind

that needs challenging.

I just hope those other women can keep up with you.

Now, make a wish.

Okay, I left the phone number on the counter.

The dishes are soaking in the sink.

I took the batteries out of the remote

and I put them in the smoke detector--

just for tonight.

Would you relax, honey?

You're off the clock.

This is supposed to be your night out.

Just enjoy yourself, huh?

Stop worrying. Yeah, Mom. Have fun.

Oh, oh, oh.

Uh, remember to take

the garbage cans to the curb tonight.

Would you please stop worrying?

Just go have some fun.

Now?

No. Let's let Mom get a few blocks away.

Right. This could be a trick.

What are you guys talking about?

We've got some fireworks buried in the backyard.

We're going to dig them up while Mom's gone.

Tracy Hines is having a party

tomorrow night and we're not invited.

Our justice will be swift but fair.

We'll be fine!

Okay, I don't want to screw this up.

Lois needs time to herself.

She deserves a night out.

She'll have a great time and then come home all happy.

I just have to somehow keep the boys under control.

Oh, what am I talking about? They're good kids.

What am I talking about "what am I talking about"?

They're monsters!

They'll destroy everything and then ruin Lois's night,

and then, then she'll feel like we can't be trusted on our own.

She'll never want to have a night out again,

and it will all be my fault!

We're going out back.

You're not going anywhere.

You're going to stay

in your room all night with the door shut! Now go!

Go!

Mmm. This cheddar is wonderful.

It is good.

So, I really liked the book.

Really?

Oh, Karen, let's have some more of that wine.

I like the way the author shifted

the voice of the narrator from character to character.

Oh...

well, I'll just have to take your word on that.

I didn't really read the book.

Oh.

Was anyone else confused by those flashbacks?

Am I the only one who read the book?

Actually, Lois, we don't make it mandatory to read the book.

What? I mean, we're all busy.

But that shouldn't prevent us

from enjoying a relaxing evening

every once in a while.

Lois, don't you feel you deserve

one night away from the bickering,

the yelling and the TV blaring?

Away from all

the stupid little problems

that can't seem to be solved without you?

Little more.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you for stopping.

Oh, glad to. My name's Roy.

I'm Francis. God, it's freezing out there.

I've been standing in that same stretch of road for six hours.

People were actually flipping me off as they drove past me.

Why would they do that?

So, how far you going?

Mamu.

I'm going up to Green River.

I can take you almost the whole way.

Oh, my God, really?

It's taken me the last three days to get 20 miles.

(choking up): Thank you.

You okay?

Yeah. It's just...

people aren't very nice.

You want some coffee?

Yes.

And when I was leaving,

my mom and I are yelling and screaming at each other

and she's still finding the time to tell the cab driver

which route to take to the bus station.

She's a total control freak.

She sounds like she's afraid.

What would my mom have to be afraid of?

Well, she could be afraid

that if she doesn't control every aspect of her life

or the lives of the people she cares about,

that horrible things will happen.

Like what horrible things?

Well, maybe her oldest son

moving 5,000 miles away from her?

All right, you got me there.

You're pretty smart.

Well, I'm on the road 18 hours a day.

Gives me a lot of time to think about things,

about people, why they do the things they do.

I'm kind of a wannabe psychiatrist.

Well, I'm just glad to finally be out of it.

I got a line that I'm not going to cross

and if anyone tries to push me across it, I'm gone.

Well, sure,

everybody's got a line.

But what's interesting is, everyone's line is different.

Sometimes it moves.

I mean, look at your situation right here.

It is freezing cold, there's no other cars on the road.

Hypothetically, if I said

"Put on a curly, red wig

or I'll throw you out of the truck,"

are you really going to go back out into the cold?

Yeah, but that's ridiculous.

You can't use a silly example like that to prove...

You're kidding.

Okay, okay.

You haven't made a sound in a half an hour!

What's going on in here?

Nothing. I expect perfect behavior

out of you boys tonight.

Trust me, if you try anything-- anything at all--

I will be on you like a rainbow on an oil slick!

Okay, this is good.

You sent them a message.

Fired a shot across their bow.

Now they know who's in charge.

Maybe I was too harsh.

If the boys push back,

they might do something ten times worse

and spoil everything for Lois.

Don't go soft.

All these boys understand is the iron fist.

No. I need to get them on my side.

Dewey, you be lookout while we dig up the fireworks.

What's going on with Dad?

I don't know.

Maybe he's dealing with something at work.

I hope he's going to be okay.

At his age, carrying around that kind of tension

can't be good for you.

Whoa! Dad's here.

Who wants ice cream?

So, I come home after working a ten-hour shift

and I see my boys,

and they're covered with grass

and they're covered with paint, and they look at me

and you know what all they can say is?

"Where's dinner?"

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Too much is expected of us.

Well, our society is just so screwed up.

30 years ago, you could just at least pick something

and go with it.

A housewife, a career woman, sex slave.

But now you're supposed to do everything, and it's impossible!

Unless you're Lillian Miller.

Oh, yeah.

You know, if it weren't for me,

my family would be naked,

living in trees, eating berries.

I mean, do they appreciate what I do for them? No!

No.

Lillian Miller's family

just surprised her with a trip to Spain.

Really? No kidding.

You know, the other day

I discovered a two- inch long hair

growing out of my shoulder.

I mean, how long has that been there?

I don't even have time to put myself together in the morning.

Lillian Miller...

brought 20 homemade cakes to the school bake sale.

I had those.

They were delicious.

The woman just cooks like a god, but she never puts on a pound.

You can't be 45 and still be a size two.

That's children sizes. That's for children!

And Lillian!

Yeah.

You know, ladies,

I just realized something.

Society isn't the thing that's making us miserable.

I mean, hell, we're society.

Uh-huh, yeah.

No, no.

Every single one of our problems can be traced back

to that tight-assed, overachieving,

marathon-running, master chef, Lillian Miller.

* Mademoiselle from Armentieres *

* Parlez vous

* Mademoiselle from Armentieres *

* Parlez vous

* She got the palm and croix de guerre *

* For washing soldiers' underwear *

* Hinky-dinky, parlez vous.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What?

It's "Hinky-dinky, parlez vous."

That's what I said, Roy.

No. You said, "Inky-dinky."

Now you've got to start over.

I'm not starting over.

It's freezing out there.

I can barely feel my lips anymore.

* Mademoiselle from Armentieres *

* Parlez vous

* Mademoiselle from Armentieres *

* Parlez...

Thanks for the ice cream, dad.

Oh, you're welcome, Dewey.

Don't worry about this mess. I'll take care of it.

Boys, just sit there and... relax.

All right, what the hell is going on?

I'm not sure, but I think

he's feeling guilty about something.

Maybe we can exploit it.

How? Why don't we send Dewey in there crying

about the train set Mom put in the attic?

Mom didn't put a train set in the attic.

Exactly. When he's up there trying to find it,

you and I can dig up the fireworks

before mom gets home.

Dewey, we need you to cry.

But it's got to be the right kind of crying.

Not sobbing, more of a whiny sound

with a penetrating quality.

Give me a moment.

Okay, that was a good idea.

The boys are happy.

I think you've got them motivated to behave themselves,

and, and Lois is, is going to see

that I can handle them without her.

Are you kidding me?

You've gone soft.

You've totally lost the boys' respect.

Lois isn't going to like this.

Come on.

They're under control.

But what if they aren't?

What if they're just pretending to behave

so they can set you up?

(dishes clanging)

You've got to occupy these boys,

keep them so busy, they don't have time to get in trouble.

How am I going to keep them busy?

Well, you'd better find a way.

(Dewey crying)

Dad, Dewey really wants you to...

Boys, let's spend a little time together.

We can, uh... Ah! I know, I know!

We can, uh, do some calisthenics.

What? Come on, you boys love to exercise.

But I just ate a ton of ice cream.

All the more reason.

You are starting to get a little flabby. Come on.

(laughing)

I'm too full.

Well, when you start moving, you'll feel better!

Let's go! One, two.

One, two.

One, two. One, two.

Stupid, stupid.

It was a terrible idea.

It was a great idea.

A great idea poorly executed.

Terrible idea, terrible execution.

Why don't you just lock them in the bathroom

till Lois gets home, and be done with it?!

(laughter)

Shh!

Look at that house.

It's perfect.

No, no, no!

We didn't come here for mindless vandalism.

We came to screw up her car.

Let's see how she feels

when she's ten minutes late for carpool

like a real person.

She probably won't even be able

to get out of bed in the morning.

Yeah, this time next year

she's going to be living in a trailer

with a little ceramic donkey in the front yard.

(laughing)

Oh, shh!

Shh!

She's wearing pearls to make cookies?

Doilies?

What kind of a monster is this woman?

Oh, God, those cookies smell good.

Let's kill her and eat them.

Karen...

why don't you go stand guard?

Come on.

(snickering)

Shh! Shh!

(stifled laughter)

(laughing) Shh!

(laughing)

Ooh.

One of us should probably know something about cars.

Ah, doesn't matter, just pull some of the wires.

Let's get out of here.

(screaming laughter)

(laughing hysterically)

Karen, Karen.

You got to stop.

Karen.

You got to settle down.

Whoa!

Karen, why don't you see

if you can say the alphabet backwards.

Z, Y, X, W, V, U, T, S, R, Q

P, O, N, M, L, K, J, I, H, G, F, E, D, C, B, A.

(giggling)

I've been pulled over a few times.

Hey! Lillian's gone.

What do you mean Lillian's gone?

(gasping)

Run!

(screaming)

This is a pointless exercise. You haven't proven a thing.

You certainly haven't determined what my limits are.

None of this has bothered me.

And if you think it has, the joke is on you.

Clench.

That's the third time

he drove down that alley.

He knows we're in here.

This is gross.

I can't believe I'm wearing open-toed shoes.

(crying): I can't believe I'm hiding from the cops in a Dumpster.

I just wanted to talk about books.

Oh, and it was such a good book, too.

The foreshadowing was effective without being heavy-handed,

the characters were, were flawed

but compelling,

and the entire story was brimming with insight

(choking up): into the human condition.

But how did you even find time to read it?

Your family sounds so horrible.

I was lying.

I made all that stuff up so that I would fit in.

They're wonderful.

I mean, they're idiots, but at least they try.

They wanted me to have this nice evening,

and look what I did with it.

What are you doing?

You'll see.

Go home to your family and hug them for me.

They sound wonderful.

Hi, piggies!

Over here!

Here, piggy, piggy, piggy.

(grunting)

(squeals)

Come on!

Show me what you got!

Am I supposed to be afraid of an electric shaver?

(Taser buzzes, Karen screams)

NARRATOR: It's lighter than most other minerals...

Why is he making us watch a documentary about salt?

Would you rather still be locked in the bathroom?

Or be chased by the hug monster?

Will you just do something? I'm trying.

But every time we make a move, he's two steps ahead of us.

He's impossible to predict.

At least with Mom, you get a little consistency.

But Dad's operating on a whole other plane.

(sighs)

Hey, they put salt on French fries.

Ground them.

Cut off their food supply.

They just need love.

Give them the belt.

(small Hals talking)

(all talking at once)

These are precious years!

Get in the car and go.

(all talking at once)

Shut up!

Okay, that's it.

I am going to take a bath.

I'm asking you boys one last time to behave.

Not for me

but for your mother.

After all she does for you,

one night of peace shouldn't be too much

to ask for.

So if you love her, you will do this for her.

Wow, Francis,

I've never had anyone empty the box before.

I'm out of props.

You know, I wasn't on board

with your little experiment at first,

but I got to admit,

I learned a lot about myself tonight.

I mean, who am I to judge other people

for the choices they make?

You know, for now on

I'm going to be a little more understanding

and a lot more humble.

You want to stop for some dinner?

What, like this?

Sure.

Why not like this?

Have you ever thought about writing a book?

Because I'm sure there's a lot of people... Hey, Myrna.

What time's the pageant?

Fluffy's collar?

Mom said he ran away.

Get out of there, Dewey.

Tracy really should have invited us.

This is what people get for being rude.

Okay, we'll hide these in the closet tonight.

When we get out, we'll cover up the hole,

and by the time Mom's home,

we'll be in bed sleeping like babies.

LOIS: Boys!

Fireworks?!

Fireworks?!

(grunting)

How did she...? I don't know.

You boys are in so much trouble.

I can't leave you alone for a second!

I guess next time I go out,

I'll have to chain you to the floor.

We tell you to behave, and you don't even pretend to listen!

You might as well cut off your ears

and throw them in the trash for as little as you use them.

You are grounded for the next month!

OFFICER: Get down on the ground

with your hands behind your head!

And while you're being punished,

I hope your friends are doing all sorts of fun stuff

because you won't be doing any of it!

You are going to suffer!

No TV!

Oh, I should get out there. No visitors!

Nah, you'd just screw it up.

Good call.