Original subtitles

Come on!

You said I could play.

You have to go down there again.

No.

Come on, you're the only one that'll fit.

No.

I always go get it

and you never let me play.

We'll let you play.

We promise.

Come on, throw it here.

You promised.

No way.

You promised.

The first 50 times he got it, it was funny.

Then it was just sad.

It's not fair!

It's my turn!

Now it's funny again.

* Yes, no, maybe

* I don't know

* Can you repeat the question?

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* Life is unfair.

Dad, Francis has to go back to school tomorrow.

Can't we at least watch what he wants?

This is educational.

It's a celebration of the human spirit.

It shows we can always find

a way to persevere

no matter how many times we're defeated.

(cartoon music and explosion)

No, don't put on the rocket skates.

Hal, can I see you in the bedroom?

Yeah, yeah, just a second, honey, the coyote...

Hal.

All right, who did what now?

You did. I'm two weeks late.

What?

No. Yes.

Wait... no. No, you can't be.

You can't be.

We've been very careful.

How can you let this happen?

How could I let this happen?!

You're kidding, right?

I'm just saying, you're the woman.

What is that supposed to mean?

You know that I can't be trusted with these things.

I mean, you're the gatekeeper!

LOIS: That is the stupidest thing you have ever said!

HAL: Not even close!

How long does it take to get me a soda, Dewey?

Mom and Dad are fighting.

Really?

Well, don't worry, chief.

Everything will be fine.

Trust me.

You know what will take your mind off it?

Making me a sandwich.

HAL: I'm sorry. It's just that this is upsetting.

LOIS: Well, it's upsetting for me, too.

You cannot be pregnant.

We're not ready for this.

When have we ever been ready for this, Hal?

(loud groans)

Okay, go ahead.

The blessed state of matrimony

is a sacred place...

(groaning): Oh, God!

Maybe we should get you to the hospital.

No! I will not have our baby born out of wedlock!

I don't understand why all of a sudden

you're so hung up on this.

Up until last week

a marriage certificate was just a piece of paper.

I changed my mind!

(choking): And it made me the happiest man in the world.

(laughing)

Welcome home, Francis.

Yeah.

This place is beautiful.

Oh, thanks.

I can't take any credit for it.

The decorator did everything.

Let's see...

Oh, look, just keep the change.

One second.

One second.

I forgot something.

I am so rattled.

There...

Have a cigar. It's Cuban.

Thanks. You're welcome.

Wow!

Hey, Mommy.

(both laughing)

Hal, we have a baby.

Yes, we do.

The baby.

Fragile...

helpless...

little baby.

He's beautiful.

Oh, we're so lucky, aren't we, Hal?

Huh? Yeah. Lucky.

You think we're going to be good parents?

You kidding? The best.

Do you think it's going to change our relationship?

Our what?

No. No.

'Cause we get along so well now,

and everybody says a baby really changes things.

Oh, I better feed him.

Why?

Frankly, I think he's getting kind of fat.

Hal, the nurse said I should feed him every four hours.

Yeah, well, did you get a look at the nurse?

Hal, where is the baby?

I don't know how to say this exactly,

but I think the baby's...

(baby cries)

...in the closet!

(nervous laughter)

Whoo!

Here he is.

Perfectly safe.

You put the baby in the closet?

You left the milk out on the counter.

Come here, Francis.

I'm never going to let you out of my sight again.

Hey, Mom, is it okay if I have the...?

LOIS: Go away!

All I'm saying is that you were the one

who wore those jeans with that rip above the knee.

Hal, if I got rid of everything that made you hot and bothered,

I'd be running around with a handkerchief

and a baseball cap. Stop it.

What do you want from me?!

I'm only human.

Oh, please. The minute you cross that threshold

into the bedroom, you become more beast than man.

HAL: Fine, everything is my fault!

LOIS: Oh, great. Here come the waterworks.

Stupid bug.

What's wrong with Mom and Dad?

Aw, just wait.

In an hour they'll be all lovey-dovey.

It's disgusting.

Stupid bug.

Ow!

You stupid...

Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow!

God, Reese, give it a rest.

Okay, Francis is down for his nap.

I emptied the dishwasher,

put another load in the laundry.

Didn't have time to scrape the pudding

out of your hair dryer.

Maybe tomorrow.

Bye.

(yells)

When will you be home?

I don't know-- 5:00, 6:00... 9:00...

Did you say 9:00?

Honey, I canceled another appointment

to come home for lunch.

I have to get caught up.

Hal, this is ridiculous.

You're working 14-hour days.

This baby's trying to beat me to death from the inside

and Francis is out of control.

Something has got to change.

Okay, I'll talk to my boss.

Yeah, you said that before.

Well, yes, and then the Collins account

was dumped into my lap.

It wasn't a good time.

Now is better.

Okay?

Love you.

Marty, I have been the leader in sales

for this company for five years running.

No one has ever done that before.

And all I'm asking

is to cut back on my hours just a little tiny bit

so I can help out at home.

You have kids. You know how it is.

Absolutely, Hal.

Don't worry, we'll find a way to make this work.

Hey, Hal.

Hey, Phil.

(phone ringing)

Hal... and Supplies.

What?

I trained that guy.

I gave him half the names in his Rolodex.

And you know what he said to me this morning?

"We need more toner."

And he didn't even need toner!

Ow!

Another contraction?

No! He's kicking me in between contractions.

What the hell is with this kid?

Well, are we

having fun yet?

Okay, let's take a look in the oven.

Ow!

God!

How far along am I?

'Cause I swear to God, he's biting my kidney.

You're only two centimeters dilated.

I think you've got four or five hours at least.

No.

Honey, the doctor... No! He is coming out now!

I have had it with this!

You are coming out right now, mister!

Ah, ah, ah, what are you doing?

It's not time to push.

You're just going to prolong your labor.

Oh, great. Make it a challenge.

Lady, you're just going to tire yourself out,

and when it comes time to really push,

you're going to be exhausted.

Look, all I'm saying is, she can try to force this all she wants.

It's just not going to...

Oh, my God! Nurse!

(panting)

Okay, honey, you're doing great, you're doing great.

Just remember to breathe.

Hal... God, do you think we're really ready

for a second baby?

We're going to have twice as many kids

and half the money.

What's it going to do to us?

We-We'll, we'll find a way.

You know, we love each other.

We-We'll adjust.

We'll make it work.

I mean, they're just kids.

Here he comes.

Ow!

My God, he kicked me in the nose.

We'll be fine.

What took you so long?

I couldn't very well go to the Lucky Aide

where you work, now, could I?

Oh, what, so you drove clear across town?

Yes, you want to go over the route I took

so you can criticize that, too?

Damn. Who's in there?

FRANCIS: I'm busy.

Backyard.

Are you out of your mind?

Let's go-- I'll let you choose the most direct route.

Are Mom and Dad getting a divorce?

What are you talking about?

They're really mad at each other.

Don't worry about it.

Everything will be fine.

How do you know?

Look, it used to scare me, too

but they just have a way of working things out.

How?

I don't know, they just do.

But how?

How do I say this so you'll understand?

Shut up.

Ha, ha!

Does Reese want the bear?

Reese wants the bear, Reese wants the bear.

This place is so much smaller than the apartment.

So you keep reminding me.

What choice do we have, Lois?

Yes, it is smaller.

And cheaper.

That apartment was no place to raise children.

There was nothing there but museums

and nightclubs and trendy restaurants...

Well, at least we'll have

a yard to putter around in, huh?

I can't wait to get my hands on this lawn!

Ow!

Oh, okay, okay, boys, enough playing.

It's time for Reese's lessons.

What'll it be today, son, huh?

Russian literature?

Or should we brush up on the circulatory system, hmm?

Circulatory system it is.

Yeah, great.

Just ignore the eight months pregnant woman

carrying the boxes.

* Art! Mona Lisa was by da Vinci *

* Science! The radio was built by Marconi *

* Math!

* Nine is the product of three times three *

* Natural History! Darwin said we all come from monkeys *

* But not

* Literally.

Hal, will you stop it!

Lois, we have got to do this

35 minutes, three times a day.

All Reese does is sit there.

He's a thinker, Lois.

He's an intensely focused, peerless thinker.

He's absorbing information.

Studies show that developing young minds

absorb information at a phenomenal rate.

Hal, he's two years old.

He calls you "phone."

I don't know who you think this

is helping, but it's not Reese.

Oh, my God, he just hit my trigeminal nerve!

(laughing)

We've been working on the nervous system all morning.

Oh, Hal, will you come down to reality

long enough to help me unpack?

Lois, did it ever

cross your mind that it might be nice

to support what I am doing here?

You know, that's a good question.

What are you doing here?

Because I'll tell you what you're not doing,

and that's helping!

You know, I think...

...that I should go for a drive

before I say something I'll regret.

Phone go bye-bye!

Oh, honey...

Oh, sweetheart, it's okay.

Mommy and Daddy are just having a tough time.

(car door closes) For the last few months.

(car engine starts) But don't worry... Ow!

Oh, oh...

Oh, oh, no.

Oh, no, not now.

(tires screeching)

Hal!

Okay, we're going on a little drive,

and Daddy will figure out where we are eventually,

and we'll all be together at the hospital.

I don't need to go to the hospital.

No, honey, it's for me.

You're lying. You want to give me a shot.

No, honey, that was last time, and I already apologized.

Now get in the car!

* Mommy's a liar

* Mommy's a liar.

Francis, unlock the door.

Ha, ha!

Unlock the door right now.

You're a liar!

You stay out!

Francis, please.

Mommy has to go to the hospital.

Say you're sorry!

Open the door!

Say you're poopy!

I will not say I'm poopy!

Open that door!

I'm having a baby!

Congratulations!

What's going on?

Your wife just gave birth on your front lawn.

Congratulations, I guess.

Oh, my Lord!

(stammering)

Want the rest of my Slurpee?

Leave me alone, Hal.

Need any help?

Leave me alone, Hal.

Take this.

Couldn't spring for the one-minute test.

This one takes five.

Four more minutes we get to spend together, dear.

Don't take that tone with me.

I'm sorry, this is the only tone I have.

It's my "I'm panicking about our future" tone.

How can we afford this?

Have you even thought about that?

No, I've just been enjoying peeing in the yard so much,

I haven't thought about anything!

Another snappy comeback!

That's very helpful!

I'm not being helpful?!

Let me give it to you straight, Hal!

Why don't you take that stick

and shove it up your...

(child yelling)

Reese, Reese, please just sit here

for five minutes, please, I'm begging you.

Play with this.

Malcolm, would you please pick up your stuff?

And what is a four-year-old

playing with a microscope for, anyway?

I see you still haven't moved the microwave.

As I have pointed out to you several times,

this is the only socket in the kitchen that works.

Perhaps we could afford

the extravagance of an extension cord!

We have extension cords,

but they're all being used right now

to power the space heater in the bedroom

because somebody gets chills.

Well, perhaps you'd like to share your bed

with someone who doesn't get chills.

(doorbell rings)

Hi, Lois.

What did he do this time?

He took a joyride in a street cleaner.

Get in here. Francis.

Here's the summons.

Your juvenile court date's on the 12th,

and, well, you know the drill.

Thank you, Officer.

They caught you

on a street cleaner?

What were you thinking?

That it went faster.

Go to your room.

Are you happy now?

Me? How is this my fault?

You are always regaling him

with tales of your wild youth.

Those are cautionary tales. (glass shattering)

Cautionary tales do not end with

"It was so cool." Mom,

I think I broke my chemistry set.

In a second, Malcolm.

All right, do me a favor, Lois.

Make me a list of pre-approved childhood memories

so I know what I can and what I can't

share with the boys.

(muffled yelling)

Oh, for God's sake, hold still.

Hal, that's not going to work.

Just drive him to the emergency room.

We do not need to go to the emergency room. Ah.

Mom! Hal, you're forcing it

further in his mouth, and he's going to choke to death!

For once will you stop

telling me how wrong I am?

And will you stop telling me what to do?

(coughing)

What the...

I tried to make invisible ink,

but I think I made chlorine gas.

Come on, everybody out!

Out, out, out, out, now, come on, out!

LOIS: Go!

(all coughing)

Okay, we all here?

Okay, good. We're fine.

We'll just let the house air out, and...

(thunder cracks)

Rain, yay! Yay!

Okay, let's hear it!

This has got to be my fault somehow.

So go ahead.

Say it, come on!

I'm the cause of all that is bad in the universe!

Everything that I touch turns to crap!

And now I bring you rain!

Oh, you'll feel better

once you get it out in the open, Lois!

Come on!

I'm having the baby.

Oh, well, that's good

because the car keys are inside the house.

So, I can either suffocate

by going back in there to get them

or you can have another baby out here on the lawn!

Try the azaleas!

Maybe they'll finally bloom!

(moaning)

(boys yelling)

We can't do this!

We are not having a baby with us like this.

We have to figure out a way to fix this.

Well, I guess I can get a night job, and...

No, we have to figure out a way to fix us.

And I don't mean just now

because we're always going to have hard times.

We have to figure out a way to get through this

without us killing each other.

Well, I'm open to suggestions.

Okay, here's what we're going to do.

You're going to tell me three-- no, five-- no, seven!

I want you to tell me seven things you love about me.

Seven reasons why this is all worthwhile.

Seven reasons why we're still here.

Seven?

Seven. And I have to believe every one of them

and you have to say them all right now.

Seven?

Oh, just please.

Just do it. Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, okay, okay, uh...

I, I-I-I love,

I love how your neck smells in the morning.

Okay.

That's one.

I love how every one of your toes

looks like it came from another person's foot.

Oh, God.

And-And-And I love how you're honest and-and fearless

and, and how when I'm sick you treat me like a baby.

Okay, that last one counts for two.

You got three more to go.

Okay.

I can tell you that I just adore this.

The way your forehead gets all crinkly

when you're worried.

And I love the way you cut your crust off your toast

even though you end up eating both anyway.

I love your loyalty and your kindness

and that you still suck in your gut

whenever I walk into the room.

(laughing)

I love how you didn't dump me

when you found out that I was in love with you.

I love that you still married me

even after you met my parents.

(laughing)

And I love that nothing in my life--

not cribbage with my dad,

not a... a new Van Halen album--

not even an old Van Halen album, for that matter,

or any of their solo albums...

Hal, Hal.

I love that nothing in my life is complete

until I've shared it with you.

(boys yelling)

I love how you send the boys to their room

just so we can have some alone time.

I just love you.

*

That's my sandwich.

(both yelling)

(all yelling)

You know, I wouldn't give up a single one of them.

They're our boys.

No one else can say that.

They're our boys.

Negative.

All that worry for nothing.

A girl would have been nice, though.

Are you kidding?

We've got you outnumbered five to one now

and we're still losing.

Boys, go to your room!