Original subtitles

(music playing)

(sighs)

(sighs)

Hey, Mom.

Want to buy a worm?

Oh, for crying out loud.

Well, let's get you cleaned up.

Don't forget your ears, Dewey!

Okay!

* Yes, no, maybe

* I don't know

* Can you repeat the question?

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* Life is unfair.

Hey, you!

When Francis is home, anything we do is fun.

I mean, we're just watching

some stupid TV show, but it doesn't matter.

This totally rules.

This totally sucks!

Isn't there anything fun to do around here?

I've got some chalk.

We could draw some dead guy outlines on the sidewalk.

Boring.

Mom's not home.

We could play cantaloupe ball.

We did that last time I was home.

Come on, guys, think!

I'd be up for the chalk outline thing.

Kitty's at the end of an ear infection.

He'll need drops three times a day.

Now, Jellybean likes to have

a half-cup of wet food in one bowl

and a half-cup of dry in another.

Now, he likes the juice

from the wet half poured onto the dry.

Now, no overfeeding.

I mean that, mister.

Okay, maybe tomorrow.

I can't say no to you.

LOIS: Craig, can we speed things up?

We've got Jellybean's emergency numbers.

We know where his sweaters are.

You showed us how to take his temperature.

Is there anything else Dewey needs to know?

I guess that's it, sport.

Now, taking care of another living thing

is a big responsibility.

Are you sure you're up to the challenge?

Mm-hmm.

Don't worry, Craig. I have a feeling

Dewey's going to do a great job.

Great, and when the long weekend is over,

you'll have earned five whole dollars.

You told Mom ten. Right, ten.

Aren't you a good little listener? Ow!

I'm not so sure about this, Hal.

Are you sure that Dewey can handle this?

Aw, it's no big deal, honey.

A job is a good thing for a boy.

It teaches him the value of money.

It gives him a little self-confidence.

Besides, Craig's new place

is only two blocks from our house.

Hey, you can see our backyard from here.

Hey... I almost forgot to show you my itinerary.

Yeah, the convention lasts three days.

I'll be back early Monday evening.

Wow, Craig, I had no idea you were so into comic books.

Well, it's not like I'm a freak about it.

It just helps me keep my life in perspective.

You know, somehow my problems seem insignificant

when compared to Richie Rich's.

Well, it's time to say good-bye, Jelly Belly.

Come give Daddy some kissy-kisses.

(baby talk)

(making noisy kissing sounds)

(baby talk): I love you...

Yes, I do-do-do... do-do-do-do-...

(whispering): I know, son, but a job's a job.

(kissing sounds continue)

Big news, guys.

Things are going to get a lot more interesting around here.

What's up?

I forget--

you guys enjoy wrestling, don't you?

Rage in the Cage?!

Oh, my God! You're the best brother ever!

We're going to have so much f...

That's only two tickets.

I know.

How am I ever going to decide which one of you to take?

You deliberately bought two tickets just to torment us?

No, of course not.

I bought them to see who loves me the most.

Now, I know you both love me...

but I bet one of you loves me just a little bit more.

No. No way. We're not doing another butt-kissing contest.

There's got to be another way.

Okay, fine. Who's got a quarter?

Here. Great.

You're in the lead.

Maybe you should make me a sandwich.

Oh, come on, guys. It's Rage in the Cage!

You should be happy!

We are happy.

Well, you're not doing the happy dance.

BOTH: Happy dance, happy dance, we love to do the happy dance.

Happier.

Happy dance, happy dance,

we love to do the happy dance.

Happier.

Happy dance, happy dance, we love to do the...!

(meowing)

CRAIG: A half-cup of wet food in one bowl

and a half-cup of dry in another.

He likes the juice from the wet half

poured onto the dry.

Jellybean also likes you better than your brothers.

Everyone likes you better than your brothers.

Someday, you're going to be president of Idaho

and anyone taller than you will be fed to wolves.

Time for your eardrops, Jellybean.

(meows)

(grunting)

Okay, Jellybean, stop hiding.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

(meowing)

Okay, come on.

(meows)

(meows)

Please don't go outside, Jellybean.

Don't be scared, Jellybean.

They're just eardrops. See?

(screaming)

Jellybean!

(screaming)

Jellybean!

*

Turn.

Hey, Ma, can I borrow the car to go over to Richie's house?

Uh, no.

Why not?

Because whenever you return the car, it's always filthy.

That is so unfair.

You always assume the worst of me.

Assume? I see it.

How am I going to show you that I've actually grown up

if you never give me the chance?!

Okay, I'm listening.

Okay, how about if I wash the car before I take it?

And I'll rake the leaves and I'll scoop out the gutters,

and if that's not enough, I'll clean the whole attic!

Mom, give him a break.

Okay, you got yourself a deal.

Bring it home in one piece.

You need anything ironed, Mom?

Dewey? You in here, son?

What's wrong, son?

You were supposed to be home hours ago.

I can't do anything right.

Dewey.

Where's Jellybean?

I left the door open, and he ran away.

Oh, dear.

Do we have to tell Mom?

Well, this is a very serious situation, son.

Of course we're not going to tell your mother.

Really?

Really.

But I think it might be a little bit

too much responsibility for your first job.

Hey, don't worry, we'll find Jellybean.

But I've been looking for hours.

Well, that's your first lesson, Dewey.

Sometimes it takes a lot of time and hard work

to accomplish something.

But what if Jellybean's hurt?

It's dark outside.

Let me tell you a little something

about cats, all right?

They're nocturnal creatures,

which means they prefer the night.

Then again, so do coyotes and feral dogs

and devil worshippers.

My point is that Jellybean is fine.

He'll come home when he's good and ready.

We're just going to put a little bowl of food out,

and he'll come back.

Are you sure?

Trust me, tomorrow morning, everything is going to be fine.

Dad! Jellybean's bowl is empty!

He was here!

You're the smartest man in the world!

Yes!

No sign of forced entry.

I just don't see how these guys got in.

It's a mystery.

You left the window open.

Mystery solved. I'm sorry,

what is it you say you're doing here again?

We're watching the cat while the owner's away.

I don't see a cat.

We're not doing a very good job.

(phone ringing)

Hello?

CRAIG: Hal?

Oh, Craig! Hi!

How's the convention?

Fantastic.

I've picked up some great bargains.

You would not believe some of the idiots that are here.

Anyhow, I just called to see how Jellybean's doing.

Oh, fine. He's a frisky little guy, you know.

Oh, get off the TV, Jellybean!

That reminds me--

could you hit the timer button on my VCR?

I want to tape Arliss.

Uh...

Sure, no problem.

Hey, Hal, um, I don't want you to think I'm weird, but...

could you put Jellybean on the phone?

Uh, yeah, let me just...

pick him up, yeah...

There he is!

Okay...

Okay, I got his ear to the phone!

Hey, Jellybean!

How's my widdle pussycat?

Have you been a good boy

while I've been away?

(purring)

I love you, honey.

Give Daddy a kiss.

(smooching)

Jellybean?

I got to tell you, Reese, you are doing a great job.

I am very impressed.

Thank you.

Here?

Nah, one over.

I just want to point out

that Malcolm has not done a thing,

and I have been carrying you around all afternoon.

Don't think your enthusiasm

and that pathetic look of desperation

are going unnoticed.

Here you go, Francis.

What's this?

MALCOLM: Your English term paper

on the rise of the novel.

It's a guaranteed "A."

You can screw off the whole rest of this semester

and still pull a "C."

This pleases me.

Jellybean!

Come on, Jellybean.

Come to Hal.

That's a good pussycat.

That's a good pussycat.

Stay right where you... Damn!

Come back here, Jellybean!

Jellybean! You want some kissy-kisses?!

(shrieking)

Kissy-kisses!

(panting)

(kissing sounds)

(louder kissing sounds)

(shrieking)

What is it?

What?

You know, I realized something.

You could do Francis's homework for the next ten years,

but you still can't go to Rage in the Cage

if you're grounded.

What are you talking about?

Mom!

(gasps)

What is with you, Reese?

You've got to get in there

and see what Malcolm did to Dewey.

He's totally lost it! Hey, Mom.

Where's Dewey?

He left early to go feed Craig's cat.

No way!

Huh?

What is going on with you, Reese?

Oh!

Dewey, wait till you see who I found...

What happened to your face?

What happened to your pants?

Never mind that.

Look who I have.

Mrs. Johnson's cat?

Yes... Mrs. Johnson's cat, yes!

Go, scoot.

(blows)

*

Hey! I found these in the laundry in my shirt pocket!

You put them there, didn't you?!

Yeah, just like you put my muddy sneaker on the kitchen table!

Guys, what's going on?

He's trying to get me grounded so I can't go with you,

but he's too stupid to pull it off!

We'll see who's stupid when this stupid

is watching a wrestling match.

Whoa, guys, this is

supposed to be a contest about love,

and you've twisted it into something ugly.

Carry on.

(both shouting)

Get off me! Get off! Ow!

This, too, pleases me.

Okay, we can fix this.

Cats are territorial.

I'd put money on it that Jellybean hasn't been

outside a square block of this place.

Ooh!

Yup, he's been back.

(sniffing)

These are fresh.

But he never stays.

Well, then we'll just have to find

a way to keep him here, won't we?

Paid a little visit to my doctor.

What are those?

These are sleeping pills, Dewey.

I simply told him I've been up for the past few nights,

things aren't going well with the wife,

afraid I'm going to lose the house...

But don't you worry, son.

Those are just lies I told to get prescription drugs.

Now, we're just going to grind a few of these up,

sprinkle it on his food,

and it's sweet dreams, Jellybean.

Should we put them in the wet or the dry?

The wet, dry, milk, water--

we have to cover all our bases, son.

We are going to get this cat!

(cats purring, snoring)

Which one's Jellybean?

Well, that's another challenge.

We'll make three piles:

"Probably Not Jellybean," "Definitely Not Jellybean,"

and... "Not Even a Cat."

We'll start with that possum.

I think it's time to call Mom.

I was hoping you'd say that.

Rage in the Cage. Rage in the Cage.

What are you doing?

Wait till Mom sees what you did to my expensive microscope.

You don't have the guts.

Say you quit, Reese.

No! You're going to totally be grounded

when Mom sees the beating you gave me.

(screams)

What are you doing?

(grunting)

Sucker!

Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?

(yells)

Hey, hey, hey!

This isn't about the tickets, is it?

You have to decide. Who's going with you?!

Oh, yeah, I probably should've said something.

I met this girl at the Burger Barn,

and guess what?

She likes wrestling.

What? You can't.

Guys, it's a girl...

who likes wrestling.

I'm just as much a victim as you are.

Aw, you'll understand when you're older.

You guys are cool.

I'm definitely bringing you home a couple programs.

You're telling me none of these cats is Jellybean?

What's wrong with you?!

Come on, Lois, this is a very complicated situation.

Don't blame Dewey.

I am not blaming Dewey.

Oh.

Mom, maybe we can...

Dewey, it's okay, just let your mom take care of it.

Now here's what we're going to do.

Okay, I'll say it.

It was a really bad idea.

(thumping)

I'll tell you one thing--

I've never seen 50 cats run out of a place so fast.

Hal, how could this have happened?

We've ruined Craig's life.

No, no, it is not our fault, Lois.

At a certain point, we simply have to say

to ourselves that Craig is just cursed.

Dad, it's Jellybean!

HAL: Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Let me just grind up one of these sleeping pills.

Won't take a minute. Keep him entertained.

Or we could just pick him up.

Yay!

You see, Dewey, I told you everything would work out.

(screams)

FRANCIS: You know, it doesn't pay as well

as some other summer jobs,

but I get the chance to mentor inner-city children.

And how can you put a price on smiles?

Oh, you're cute and sweet.

You know, this is the first time I've gone out in six months.

Then... we'll have to make this

a night to remember, won't we?

Amateurs.

What?

Oh, it's nothing.

It's just a prank from...

some of the kids at the center.

You know, it's inspiring how they can laugh

after all they've been through.

(siren whoops)

Oh, man!

I wasn't speeding, was I?

I don't think so.

License and registration.

Officer, what did I do?

This car has been reported stolen.

License and registration, please.

Oh, it's been reported stolen, huh?

I'm not going to ask you again. License and registration.

Look, Officer, I know this looks bad, but...

(thumping)

Open the trunk, sir.

Officer, let me explain...

Open the trunk!

(muffled cries)

Get out of the car!

Mom wasn't too thrilled

about having to pick us up at the police station,

but it was totally worth it.

We don't have to serve Francis anymore.

Here's your sandwich, Craig.

Can I go to bed now?

Ooh, mayo on only one side?

It's a lot of mayo.

No one's saying it's not,

but I specifically asked for it on both sides.

Craig... Malcolm,

I don't like this any more than you do,

but it was your mom's idea.

Since as long as I'm living here you have to do everything I say,

I'll try to meet you halfway and make my orders

as clear as possible, okay, champ?

Here, I heated it for ten seconds just like you said.

It's still not quite room temperature.

Look, I know I'm being demanding,

but Jellybean's apartment was burned down, too.

All right, it was almost worth it.

(kissing sounds)

(door slams)

There's something you have to see.

(slate beeps)

(laughter)

MAN: Cut.

(slate beeps)

(moaning)

Oh, honey, the night is still young.

What's the line?

I'm sorry.

(slate beeps)

(banging)

MAN: Cut.

(slate beeps)

Ow!

MAN: Cut.

(laughter)

Shut up! We wouldn't be in this mess

if you hadn't called for help.

Keep... pushing me...

ass (bleep).

(laughter)

Would you guys stop laughing?

Dang, it's not that funny.

Craig, you can't say "ass (bleep)."

Keep...

pushing me...

ass (bleep).

(laughter)

Whoo!

(slate beeps)

(retching)

(laughter)

MAN: Cut! Cut!

Now, honey, I'm sorry you had to see that.