Original subtitles

(vacuum cleaner whirring)

LOIS: Hal?

Are you smoking again?

No!

I am cleaning.

Do you smell smoke? No, but I...

No, Lois, if I wanted to smoke a cigar

I wouldn't be sneaking around

like a scared little schoolboy.

I would do it out in the open like a man.

That was our third shop vac.

That is our last shop vac.

* Yes, no, maybe

* I don't know

* Can you repeat the question?

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* Life is unfair.

LOIS: Francis, I don't want to hear

another argument about it.

You are going to fix the roof.

That is totally unfair!

I come home from school and

you immediately put me to work.

Well, someone has to do it,

and you know your father is terrified of heights.

He is not terrified!

The last time he changed a lightbulb,

we had to talk him down from the table.

You are going to do this.

Why don't you just put a choke chain around my neck

and make me sleep in the garage?!

This is what we call a "level four" rage.

The only way not to get nailed is to make no sudden moves

and avoid eye contact at all costs.

(spoon clatters on bowl)

And you...

You think just because you hide the note,

the parent-teacher meeting will just go away?

Mom, Mr. Woodward is totally out to get me.

Every teacher since kindergarten

has been out to get you.

I know. It upsets me, too.

(sniffs)

(Hal whistling)

Why is the drain still clogged?

(stammering)

Uh, honey, there was a, you know...

I was only seconds away from...

It's a funny thing, see...

Oh, what a mess! Look at that!

That is a milk ring on the table.

Reese is still searching for academic truth.

His...

focus is diffuse.

His initiative is waning, and...

it's preventing his full potentiation.

What?

To put it simply, Reese isn't self-actualized.

Look, maybe I could just give you a topic

and you could tell us "good" or "bad."

That would help us here.

Reese is flunking almost every subject,

and I'm going to recommend

that he be moved into the remedial class.

And that's a euphemism for...

The remedial class.

(laughs)

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, n that is not an option.

We'll get him to buckle down.

I hope it's that simple.

Reese will get back on track.

We'll see to it if it kills him.

I'm glad to see your level of commitment.

I'm really happy we had this chance to talk.

So we can go now.

I don't want to hear any excuses.

You will sit down every night

and work until those grades are up.

Why do I have to tutor him?

Because

God gave you a giant brain.

Blame him.

Reese screws up, and I get punished for it?

Where's the logic in that?

Malcolm, I have zero tolerance on this one.

Finally, Mom found the courage to speak her mind.

Why aren't you fixing that roof?

It's 40 degrees out there. I'll freeze.

And it's going to rain.

That's why you have to fix the roof.

Well, maybe if you didn't buy such crappy shingles,

it wouldn't leak all the time.

Francis, as long as you are in this house,

you will do as I say.

You know what, Mom?

No.

I'm too old to be bullied by you.

Our whole lives, you have done nothing

but dictate what you wanted.

You're the boss of the world,

and we're all sick of it.

This may be your roof, but we live here, too.

We are human beings

with rights, and I'm hereby putting an end

to your reign of terror.

You should have seen the look on her face.

It was totally worth it.

Sounds like you-you've had it rough.

Oh, man, you have no idea.

Thanks.

I've got a place near the bus station.

It's warm and fairly dry.

You can stay there for a while.

If-if you want to.

You'd do that for me?

It's a tough world.

We've got to look out for each other.

Thanks.

Richie! Dude!

I heard your mom kicked you out.

You want to stay at my place?

You are a lifesaver!

Could you give me a lift to...

Sorry, man. We're going the other way.

Hi.

Why aren't you flying?

My name is Dewey.

Good to meet you, Tony.

Want to play?

Okay, but I get to be the red team.

Look, I don't like this any better than you do.

Let's just get it over with.

Dude, this book's totally wrecked.

What did you do to it?

I threw it at a duck.

Well, where's your math book?

Which half?

We'll just start with geography, then.

I don't take geography!

Yes, you do.

You got a grade in it.

Oh, that can't be good.

Mi casa es su casa.

This may be my parents' house,

but, dude...

down here, anything goes.

Oh! What is that smell?

It could be the laundry.

It could be the mildew.

It could be that rat I shot.

I think I wounded it.

It probably crawled into a hole in the wall

to die or something.

What's this?

It's your bed. You got to blow it up.

(television playing softly)

Welcome to Chez Richie.

Rule number one: there are no rules.

Rule number two: no shoes on the sofa.

It is so real.

Come on. What's the answer?

You can do this.

We've gone over this a thousand times.

You have to carry the tenths.

Tenths have to go someplace.

Tenths don't just float around.

Get smarter already!

Think. Make your brain work.

I could be outside doing anything other than this.

But, no. I'm stuck in here babysitting this...

4.2.

That's right.

I mean...

I actually understand this.

The tenths have to go someplace.

Great. Let's move on to the next one.

(hammering)

(sighs)

Hal! Come down from there!

(high-pitched voice): Hi, honey.

What do you think you're doing?

Oh, just... fixing the shingles.

Francis has responsibilities.

You can't keep covering for him.

This is not about him.

It's about me.

I just wanted to get some fresh air and...

the view from up here is...

is incredible.

Did you ever think that I might be enjoying myself?

(screaming hysterically)

I spent two days on it.

There was even a paragraph that I thought really sucked

so I went back and rewrote it.

Malcolm, I'd never done that before,

but last night... I mean, look at me.

I'm going on and on while you're sitting here trying to read.

How's the grammar?

Never mind.

Reese...

This is C-minus work.

All right! Nice job!

You're not just saying that?

No. This is seriously the best work I've ever seen you do.

Yes! That's great!

I couldn't have done it without you!

Thanks, Malcolm.

BOTH: Ew!

I kicked your ass!

LOIS: You got another "F"!

Mom, I read that paper.

It's not an "F"! Then what is this?

We've been studying four hours a night.

Well, guess what. It's not enough.

You're going to study eight hours a night

if that's what it takes to get your grades up,

and that's what you're going to do. But, Mom...

I don't see a mother here.

All I see is a warden with two prisoners

who are out of their cell.

Now get back in there!

HAL: Oh, oh, oh!

Not like this.

(screaming)

I'm okay! I'm okay!

Okay, you know what?

It's freezing, but I don't need heat

'cause I got justice on my side.

Mom will cave.

She'll cave.

It's going to be so sweet.

(grunts)

Could you do that in the bathroom, Richie?

Dude, no one's going in there for at least six hours.

Well, then, could you do it over a wastebasket or something?

And can we cool it on the porno for, like, five minutes?

Yeah. When this is over, I'll just pop in

Sluts of the Big Ten.

No. No more porn.

Dude...

that's a documentary.

Ow!

God, my eye!

Hey, try to find that toenail, Francis.

It is so creepy to step on those things.

Ow!

Come on, Reese, the test is in two hours!

This is too much, Malcolm.

I'll never pass this thing.

There's 30 true-false questions and five essays.

It's impossible.

So, Reese, today's the big test?

What do you have to get on this thing

to say out of remedial class?

A "B."

(laughter)

No, guys, he's serious.

But you're... an idiot.

You're right.

Yeah. The only way this idiot's going to pass the test

is if somebody else takes it for the idiot.

Right, idiot?

Stevie set the precedent!

You had a chance for rebuttal,

but since you didn't answer

you waived your right!

Therefore, it's an agreed-upon term!

What am I going to do?

I can't get put in the remedial class.

They walk to the cafeteria

holding each other's belts.

Unless...

maybe Lloyd's right.

Maybe someone should take the test for you.

You mean cheat?

We can't cheat.

Mom will kill us.

And it's wrong.

But more importantly, Mom would kill us!

Hey, we're out of options here, Reese.

You're going to get caught. No, we're not.

And you know why?

Because we have four brilliant minds here

to help plan this out.

You had to appeal to my vanity, didn't you?

I'm in.

I'm sorry, but I am honor-bound

to report this conversation to the vice-principal.

Then we're honor-bound to report

you still sleep with an Elmo blankie.

Okay, I'm in.

We, uh... here's the VCR you ordered.

I didn't order a VCR.

Yes, you did!

Feel free to call and verify.

I know the extension number.

There's someone there right now.

That won't be...

Or you can take a look

at this A/V equipment schedule.

Your name and class hour's right here on page seven

in nonstudent handwriting.

WOODWARD: All right.

Go ahead and leave it.

Okay.

No, no, you said you didn't order a cart

so you're not going to get one.

We'll just be leaving and pushing this out the door.

Ah, here it is!

Hey, watch out!

Be... the cannonball.

Are you all right?

Way to go... hot rod!

(coughing)

Okay, well, there's the rat.

No, Tony, that's not fair.

Today it's my cartoons before school

and your cartoons after school.

Fine, Tony, be that way.

I don't want to be your friend anyway.

Tony!

I can't stay mad at you either.

Hey...

Did you get that history test back yet?

Not yet. No, haven't seen it.

You both better pray for a "B."

Hey, did Francis call you at work yet?

No. No, I haven't talked to him since he...

He thinks he's making some kind of point

by cutting off all contact.

You know, he should know.

Till he's ready to apologize,

there's really no reason to call.

I can't wait to see the look on his face

when he realizes that we have figured him out.

Ah! What have we to figure out, dear?

That I'm in it for the long haul.

He should know

I am prepared to go the distance!

You know, I think he likes tomatoes on his sandwich.

Other bag, Hal.

Ah, right. Bye.

Bye.

LLOYD: A masterful "B,"

Malcolm.

I could never dumb myself down like this.

I find this "F"

very troubling.

Something... stinks.

He knows we cheated!

We're going to have to start cutting separate deals.

He doesn't know anything, Dabney.

I'm gonna go talk to him.

Mr. Woodward?

I'm Malcolm, I'm Reese's brother.

Oh, hi, how are you?

Well, Reese is upset.

He thinks he did better than an "F"

on his history test.

I read it over, and I sort of thought...

it wasn't half bad.

Do you think there's any way

you can maybe take another look?

Malcolm, you should be commended for your fraternity,

but, uh, the test deserved an "F."

Mr. Woodward, maybe if you just looked at it again...

I can't spend a disproportionate amount of time on Reese.

It's not fair to the other students.

But he didn't deserve an "F" on this.

Look, Malcolm, I-I've been a teacher for a long time

and, uh, I think I know what Reese is capable of.

I really don't think you do, because...

Look, you may not want to hear this about your brother,

but I've known kids like Reese my whole life.

They're the ones

who throw water at you

so it looks like you wet your pants.

They aim for your legs

in dodgeball,

and you fall down and you break your jaw

and you need to have your mouth wired shut

and your teeth don't set properly.

And you spend six years in orthodontia

with the most painfully embarrassing headgear

ever designed,

which is only because they don't feel fully actualized.

That guy's totally out to get you.

Man! I was just using that as an excuse.

He is so dead when Mom finds out!

Reese, we can't bust him.

If we rat him out, then Mom will know

we cheated.

We're doomed.

KIDS (chanting): Two is after one.

Three is after two.

Four is after three.

Something is after something

and then we get to ten!

(footsteps on stairs)

Good lord! FRANCIS: Thank God you're here!

I was afraid you weren't going to get my message at work.

What happened to your eye...?

Hey, how do you guys want your burgers?

Just a sec, man.

All right, so I got it all worked out.

You tell Mom that you need me to repair the lawnmower,

and then I hang out and I just...

No, no, I-I'm just not going to do that, Francis.

Hey, you guys better

figure it out quick.

This cheap-ass trash can's melting.

Well, maybe you could talk to her then?

Just calm her down so that I could come home, maybe today even?

Francis, you've got to stop putting me in the middle!

What, you're just going to let her win this round, too?!

Francis, there is nothing that I can do.

You know what the problem is here?

You and your mother are exactly alike!

That's a lie!

That is true!

You're both stubborn and unwilling to bend.

So, fine, you win!

Congratulations!

This is your prize!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go.

It smells like something died in here.

Your father's right, man.

Sometimes you can be so stupid.

Uh-oh.

WOODWARD: I'm sorry.

No one wanted it to turn out this way.

I feel like I let Reese down.

Just keep moving, Tony.

So where does this leave us?

I think it's best if we make the switch as soon as possible.

We need to look at this

as an opportunity.

Big opportunity, being in the dumb class.

Reese, this isn't what I wanted,

but you haven't left us any choice.

Mom, don't do this.

It's not Reese's fault.

He didn't deserve an "F" on that test.

Malcolm, we've already had this discussion.

I saw the test, he did a good job.

He deserved a "B."

This guy is totally out to get him.

Malcolm...

Look, I'm sorry you feel that way,

but you can't blame me for Reese's shortcomings.

Mom, this is the test.

Take a look at this question.

"What was the cause of the Great Depression?"

He put down "Black Thursday."

That's a correct answer.

No, that's only a partial answer.

To get full credit he should have included

the vast overproduction in the U.S.,

protectionism in the foreign markets....

Overexpansion of credit

and stock market speculation?

Yes. That would have been

a complete answer.

Ha! You didn't read the answer

because that's exactly what I wrote.

"I" wrote?

The royal "I," as in Reese.

Because I think we can all identify

with what he's going through.

You took that test, didn't you?

You cheated...

You let him cheat for you?

You gave something he wrote an "F"?!

(thunder crashes)

You a out to get him.

Oh, I can't wait to see you expelled or disbarred

or whatever it is they do

to creepy little men who abuse their power.

There is no need for name-calling.

I suggest we just leave things as they are...

Oh, I don't think so.

WOODWARD: Here's the situation:

if you notify the school,

then the school will find out Malcolm cheated.

He'll be expelled.

Don't you threaten me.

This isn't a threat.

I just don't think you'd throw away

the son who achieves for...

well, Reese.

You don't think I'd sacrifice this one?

Let me explain something to you.

I would sell Malcolm down the river

in a heartbeat to save Reese.

What? Malcolm's gonna be fine

no matter what happens.

Maybe he'll have to go

to junior college or start off blue collar,

but he'll work his way up to management eventually.

Reese is the one who needs saving.

I don't believe you.

No mother could ever be that callous to her own son.

Mom, please let me come home!

I'm cold and I'm hungry!

Please, I'll fix the roof!

I'll paint the house, I'll do anything, Mom!

Please, just let me live indoors, Mom!

Please, I want to be warm again!

Mom, please!

(sobbing)

Maybe we can work something out.

There you go, Tony.

Night-night.

Oh, my God, look at the size of that thing.

(screams)

Dewey, what in the...?

Run, Tony, Run!

Why are they always named Tony?

Bye, Tony.

I love you.

(hammers pounding)

Yeah, it's cold, filthy and dangerous,

but I say we got off easy.

If we all pitch in, we should be done in a week.

Hey, hurry up.

I'm trying.

I've got tar in my eyes.