Original subtitles

I had a bad dream.

It's okay, sweetie.

Here, come on.

Come on.

It's okay now.

[yawning]: What was your dream?

I dreamed...

there was this man... outside the door

with a big knife...

and he wanted to tie everyone up...

and kill them...

and eat their eyeballs.

Good night.

♪ Yes, no, maybe

♪ I don't know

♪ Can you repeat the question?

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big

♪ Life is unfair.

Hey. What you doing there, son?

I have to prove Kepler's third law of planetary motion.

What's Dewey doing?He's coloring.

Well, I'd better get in there.

Dad, there's this crazy guy chasing me.

He's saying I did some horrible things,

but I couldn't really understand him.

I think he's an escapee from the mental hospital.

[knock at door]

I didn't hear anything.

[groans]

Hello again, Hal.

You are not to step foot outside of this house

except for school for the next month!

Okay.Wait a minute, honey, he has to go outside.

He's not done pulling weeds from his last punishment.

Oh, I think staying inside with no TV

is worse than weeding.

I'm already banned from TV.

You are?

All right. Fine.

No TV, no going outside except for weeding,

which you'll do at night.

Inside.

Oh, I got nothing.

How long is this going to take?

Oh, look, just... go to your room! Oh, you...

Your father and I will sort this out.

Okay.

We are not getting through to him.

Well, what else can we do?

We-We've taken away television, video games,

his music, fresh air.

Lois, we have taken away his air,

and he doesn't care about any of it.

Well, we had better come up with something

before he winds up being a problem for the state.

I don't know, maybe we should try something

other than punishing him.

Like what?

Maybe Reese needs more attention.

Positive attention.

When I was his age

I always wanted someone there to talk to,

to hang out with,

be a role model.

Oh, Hal, I don't know.

Lois, that boy needs a father figure,

and I really think it should be me.

What is Cynthia doing?

We thought you would know,

given your relationship.

We don't have a relationship.

It's okay... to feel.

Shut up.

Hey, guys.

Here you go.

I'm having a party this weekend.

Don't lose those invitations

'cause no one gets past my dad without them.

A party.

An actual, non-self-delusional- figment-of-my-imagination party.

Is it your birthday?

No, it's just for socializing.

You know, it's weird.

I've been here for a month and a half,

and you guys are the only friends I have.

You're kidding.

I'm serious.

It may be hard for you guys to believe,

but some people have trouble

making friends.

Cynthia, are you sure you want to sound so...?

Man, I wish I'd thought of this.

I know!

It's going to be so great.

I'm finally going to make some friends.

What do you think, Malcolm?

It sounds great.

It should be a...

party.

Fingers crossed.

Yeah.

All right.

Hey, Eric, how's it going?

You just missed your third history deadline, Francis.

I am not going to Spangler's summer school

because my partner blew off his half of the project.

Didn't you get my half?

I slipped it under your door.

Thisis your half?

Yeah.

This is my half!

Well, if I knew you were going to go so overboard,

I would have spent a little more time on my section.

You photocopied a page out of the dictionary.

Okay.

I messed up.

There's still time.

When's this thing due, again?

The 20th.

And you're worried?

We have over a week.

My half took me two months.

Okay, I guess I'm just going to have to buckle down

and get it done, then.

All right.

I'll go to the library and get some books.

You stay here and organize your notes.

Sounds like a plan.

68 degrees.

Perfect paper-writing temperature.

Let's get to it.

I thought you said we were trying something new.

That's right, we are.

So this isn't a punishment?

No. Why would you say that?

'Cause you keep looking at me and saying stuff.

I am paying attention to you.

But, Dad, a cooking class?

Come on, Reese, open your mind.

The art of cooking is as masculine

as any of these other courses--

judo, riflery, kickboxing.

Anyone can fight, but it takes a special man

to craft a truly great Bolognese sauce.

I still feel like I'm in trouble.

Hi, I'm Cynthia.

We don't know each other, but I'm having a party.

See how it says, "8:00 till ?"

That means it could go on ad infinitum.

[giggles]

See you there.

Hi, I'm Cynthia.

We don't know each other, but...

What is she doing, inviting the whole school?

I'm sorry. I can't talk right now.

I'm saving all my good conversation for the party.

For instance, there's an interesting piece in this month's

New England Journal of Medicine.

Hey, that's myanecdote.

I hope...

my wheelchair... fits in the...

make-out closet.

I hope you come with an appetite.

I'm serving cookies shaped like famous

Communist revolutionaries.

Hi, I'm Cynthia...

Uh... Cynthia, can I talk to you for a second?

Sure.

Tell all your friends!

How many people are you inviting to your party?

God, who knows?

I left a stack of invitations at the library

and a stack at the arcade.

I figure people will appreciate the personal touch.

You know, so they can match a face with a face.

[laughs]

Don't you think you're kind of overreaching?

What are you talking about?

I'm afraid you're setting yourself up

for a giant disappointment.

I mean, when ten people don't show up, it's a drag.

When 300 people don't show up,

it's, like, total humiliation.

Well, I guess lots of people will have to show up, then.

Cynthia, you're a Krelboyne.

Krelboynes have Krelboyne parties.

You don't know how many friends I'm capable of making.

Yes, I do. Zero.

Just like the rest of us.

Cynthia, no one's coming to your party.

Oh, yeah?

Well, it so happens the Kinkos man said

I set a new record for laminated invitations.

So? That doesn't mean anything.

I know what this is all about.

You're jealous.

Jealous?

Making friends obviously doesn't come easy to you.

So you hide in your safe little circle

while people like me throw big parties

and make lots of friends and enjoy life.

Hmm? Bitter-- what a surprise.

The key to quick chopping is to rest the blade

against your knuckles and slowly pull back as we...

Who chopped that?

I-I did it.

Let's see it again.

Oh, my word!

Actually, his slices are

a littlemore uniform than yours.

And you say you've never cooked anything before?

Intentionally?

No.

Remarkable.

Sit down and listen to me!

I am sick of this!

It's been two days

and you haven't done a lick of work.

And I can't believe I let you drag me to that movie.

I know. I'm beginning to question

the whole talking dog genre.

You know what would get our mind off that movie?

Another round of miniature golf!

No! No miniature golf.

You have to get to work.

You're right.

When you're right, you're right.

Let's get to it.

These two books are on the war itself

so you can breeze through them

'cause your half of the project is on Reconstruction.

Okay. I have no idea what you're talking about.

But I will

'cause I'm not leaving this room

for the next ten hours.

That's what I like to hear.

Now, before I go, do you need anything?

I don't want you leaving this room.

No, just stop bothering me.

I'm trying to study.

All right, Harvey, let's see if you can break Brent's record.

You have to beat an hour and four minutes.

Go!

Sorry I'm late!

Craig ran off some kids

and needed me to walk him to his car.

I'll have dinner ready in just one second.

Shh, shh, shh.

Look.

Well?

It's hot.

And it needs another bay leaf.

Just look at him.

After tasting his chocolate soufflé,

the class actually gave him a standing ovation.

Reese?

Dewey,

are you happy with how those are julienned?

I think so.

Go check the brioche.

The bread in the oven?

Ah.

Dad, I just wanted to let you know

how much that cooking class means to me.

If you hadn't signed me up for it,

I never would've known that something so stupid

could be so much fun.

Thanks.

Oh, come on, that's got to make you feel good.

Aw, look at Malcolm, surrounded by all his friends.

I wonder what he owes his social success to?

What do you think, Invisible Friend Number One?

Leave me alone.

There you go again-- pushing people away.

You know, Malcolm, if you want to make friends

you have to extend yourself.

Yeah, you're right.

I'm going to work on that. See ya.

It's sad, really.

I feel sorry for you.

You know what?

I just got the greatest idea!

It's the perfect way to break you out

of your self-protective shell.

What are you talking about?

You're going to cohost the party with me.

Come on.

Hi, I'm Cynthia and this is Malcolm.

We're cohosting a party this weekend...

Let go.

And we have a musical invitation for you.

♪ You should come 'round to our party, you'll have fun ♪

♪ You'll have fun

♪ You should come 'round to our party, you'll have fun... ♪

Okay, you made me do this.

Can't you think of a better place to kiss me?

There. Read that.

Malcolm, are you crazy?

Read.

That's the Krelboyne Wall of Fame.

You can see that you're pretty well represented.

There's my section and there's Lloyd's.

But in terms of sheer volume, you still have us beat.

So do you understand now?

You can't have that party.

But that one there, that's ridiculous.

No one really believes that about you.

[door closes]

STEVIE: Real...

classy.

Hey, you guys seen Cynthia?

No, but maybe you can settle a debate.

Maroon or beige?

What are you guys

talking about?

Duh. Matching turtlenecks for the party.

CYNTHIA: Hey, everybody.

Oh, Cynthia, I wanted to apologize...

Nothing to apologize for, Malcolm.

Here.

I'm canceling my party.

These are uninvitations.

Don't crowd, there's one for each of you.

Malcolm opened my eyes to the fact

that I'm a creepy, friendless dork

who has no reason to expect anyone

to come to her party.

You callous bastard!

Cynthia, I didn't want to tell you like that. I'm sorry.

No need to be sorry.

I should be thanking you.

Thank you, Malcolm.

Cynthia...You know what?!

There's only so much crying

I can do in one day,

and just looking at you makes me want to cry.

So, if you don't mind,

I'd like to leave you now.

ERIC: All right, no more distractions, Francis.

I'm tired of yelling at you.

I'm not saying Harvey's last heat wasn't exciting...

You didn't have to kill him, you know.

Yes! Yes, I did.

Now, please,

as a friend, just focus!

I'm sorry.

I know I tend to procrastinate,

but when a deadline nears, I always manage to get it done.

Okay. I'll check on you in 30.

Uh, you'd better take this.

Why?

[clicking]

[humming]

♪ Man, you know this party's gettin' hotter ♪

♪ It's gettin' hotter

♪ I'm feelin' hotter

♪ Feelin' hotter

♪ I want to let my hair down

♪ Gonna let my hair down.

[upbeat Latin percussion solo]

I can't believe I really made this.

You know, Dad,

if you work really hard at something, it shows.

Yes, son. Yes, it does.

[chuckling]

Mmm...

Class, during our next session

we'll be holding a little competition.

Friends and relatives are encouraged to attend,

and don't be discouraged if you feel a little outclassed

by some of our more promising students.

We're all here to have fun.

What do I get if I win?

A six-inch paring knife

and a bread cloche.

Awesome!

May I help you?

Hi. I'm Malcolm.

I don't know if you remember...

I'm not sure. I have a vague recollection

of you throwing a brick through my daughter's window.

Oh, and I think you're the kid

who ruined her party and humiliated her in a public toilet.

How am I doing?

Now, if you don't mind...

It's okay, Dad.

How's it going?

Oh, great.

The party's a blast.

Can't you hear it in there?

What are you doing here, Malcolm?

You won't talk to me at school

and you won't return my calls.

I just want to say again that I'm sorry.

Fine.

You want to alleviate your guilt?

You are absolved.

Just let me finish.

I'm not sorry that I told you the truth.

You were just setting yourself up

for a big disaster tonight

if you went ahead with your party.

I just wish I was nicer about it.

What's the nice way to tell someone

they're a social retard?

So you see my problem.

But what I didn't say

is that even if you are a dork,

you're also smart and funny

and interesting and kind

and a totally unique person,

and if other people can't see that,

that's theirproblem.

So, how'd you learn to deal with the whole school

making fun of you?

The same way I deal with everything:

I pretend it doesn't bother me

and then lash out on people

who don't deserve it.

It seems to work.

Do you want to come in?

BOY: Hey!

Can I help you?

Yeah. We're here for Cynthia's party.

We found these things in the library.

Uh...

I thought you handed out uninvitations.

I thought you said no one would come.

Come on in... I guess.

I think he's actually going to win.

I just hope we get to taste whatever it is he's cooking.

[Dewey yelling]

Reese, this is the best spinach quiche I've ever tasted.

What gives it that extra something?

I put some allspice on the pine nuts before I toasted them.

Allspice. Yeah,

it just seemed like it would balance out the ricotta.

How extraordinary.

How much salt did you use?

Just a pinch.

I did not put all of this salt in there.

Where do you keep your first aid kit?

My husband's tongue is swelling up like a melon.

I need a bathroom!

I guess Cynthia was right.

If you invite people to a party, they'll show up.

♪ Don't matter who's the best side ♪

♪ East side, west side...♪

Well, that sounds like fun,

but I think I'm going to leave it unpierced for a while.

LLOYD: You girls should really

get up to the planetarium.

They got a great laser show up there.

I have a card

that can get four of you in

for the price of three.

[all exclaiming]

Let me know when you're going.

As soon as my grandmother falls asleep,

I can sneak up and sit next to you.

[girls giggle]

Are you wearing cologne?

Just my... aftershave.

Hey, Stevie.

I'm working... here.

♪ This party is jammin'

♪ Come on, get your booty on the floor... ♪

Can we please just go?

Yeah, just two more hours and then we'll head home.

Francis, the project is due tomorrow.

Okay, don't worry.

We have an eight-hour ride home.

We'll do it then.

By the way, this is Terri and her friend Robin.

♪ Everybody put your hands up... ♪

Hi.

I'm Eric.

I'm totally going to summer school.

Dewey, go to your room.

But Reese

is the one who poisoned all those people.

Now!

What is wrong with you guys?

You didn't even let me accept my trophy.

Oh, I'll give you a trophy, mister.

Honey, the whole cooking thing was my idea.

I'll handle this.

Reese, we pulled you out of class

because we know you cheated.

Now, you would have won easily.

Why did you do it?

I don't know.

It was fun.

Those people worked very hard on their dishes,

and you destroyed them.

How would you feel

if you were that poor woman whose quiche you salted?

Fat?

Reese...

do you know what empathy is?

No.

Empathy is putting yourself into other people's shoes

so you can feel the way they do.

If you hurt someone, empathy makes you hurt as well.

Then, why would you want empathy?

He has no more sense of right and wrong than a tree frog.

What are we going to do?

What can we do?

It's back to punishment.

How can we punish him if he doesn't care about...?

All right, son, here's what's going to happen.

For the next month, you are not allowed to cook a meal.

That's it?

So I don't cook, big deal.

That means no chicken cordon bleu, no Windsor tortes.

Wait a second.

You said no cooking.

The torte is baking.

No baking, no broiling, no sautéing.

Come on, you can't do that.

You heard your father.

The stove and all the whisks are off limits for a month.

Oh, please, I'll be good. I promise.

I'll do whatever you say.

I'm sorry, son.

This is the way it has to be.

It worked.

I think we really turned a corner with him.

We have a weapon.

His actions will have consequences.

I know.

We can hurt him.

We can be parents again.

Oh, it's even worth suffering through a month

of eating your flank steaks.

Amen to that.

♪ Y'all gon' make me lose my mind ♪

♪ Up in here, up in here...

You know, I just realized something.

Parties suck.

The music always stinks, the food's bad,

and who cares if no one talks to you?

People are such phonies anyway.

Hey, Malcolm.Hey, Cynthia. Great party.

I like the music, and what's in the dip?

Ooh, you know what?

I'm gonna need that chair.

[dance music continues]