Original subtitles

# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians

# Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights, dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description

# Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crime, punishments from ancient times

# Roman, rotten, rank and ruthless

# Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, reigning sages, mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories we do that

# And your host - a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to... #

Horrible Histories presents...

GROANS

Well, here I am, stuck on Mummus' naughty step,

it's so unfair!

I'm being punished for not tidying my room...

..ever!

LAUGHS

Oh, well, I don't mind, there have been lots of naughty people

in history so I'm in good company.

Or, rather, bad company.

And that's why today I'm giving you

my Top Ten Naughtiest People from history!

PARP! And starting at number ten,

we have Anne Hutchinson.

You'll never guess what she did that was so naughty.

She read the Bible!

Yeah, I know - it doesn't sound naughty at all, does it?

Well, that wasn't how they saw it in 17th century Puritan America,

particularly if you were a woman.

SIREN WAILS

Being in law enforcement in a new colony is tough.

The folks here in Massachusetts Bay are desperate,

it does not take much for them to turn to crime.

The number one threat we're dealing with today is...

TWANG!

..women reading.

That, and the locals who don't want us here.

We've received intel that there is a gang of women readers

operating from inside this house.

It looks just like an ordinary house - it's not.

It's a book den.

Makes you sick!

Word is we think it's a woman called Anne Hutchinson.

Apparently she organised the book gang on the boat over from Europe.

Some of the women get in so deep

their lips don't even move while they're reading.

If that's not witchcraft, what is?

The Puritan General Assembly here in the Massachusetts Bay colony

have outlawed the book gang and that's why we're here today.

We're hoping that the ringleader, Hutchinson,

will be in there herself, teaching with her books.

Ha! Well, not on my watch. They're going down.

You go in. I'll cover you. Yeah.

And then in chapter five, we see that...

Go! Go! Go! This is book raid! Put the book down and step away!

But I'll lose my page. All right, put a bookmark inside the book

then put the book down, then step away!

We've got a runner!

Stop in the name of the Puritan law!

Book launch! Ahh! Ahh! I'm hit!

Ahh! Oh!

You'll be OK, buddy. Ahh! I think it was a hardback.

VOICEOVER: Scars are just part of the job.

I mean, look at this one.

Papercut.

I feel all cold. Hey, hey, hey, don't speak like that!

Look at me, look at me!

It's a reminder of what we face out there every single day.

Officer Scratcher here is going to read you your rights.

Hang on, w-why, why am I going to read them?

You've got the card, so. Yeah, but...

I can't read, can I? Well, I can't read, either.

What do you want me to do, just make it up? Er, excuse me?

Would you like me to read the card for you?

You know, some of the days are hard, but if we can do a little good

here and there like preventing women from reading

then it'll all have been worthwhile.

You - I - have the right to remain silent.

A-anything you - I - say can and will be used against you. Me.

Oh, we really appreciate this. Mm-hm. I mean, obviously,

we will have to add you reading this to the list of charges but...

..Puritan law's the Puritan law.

SPLAT!

Seems like it was the Puritan officials

that were the naughty ones.

Anne and her friends weren't doing anything naughty at all.

Well, in at number nine, is someone who certainly was a bit naughty.

Sir Walter Raleigh got locked up in the Tower of London

for 13 years, for plotting against King James I of England.

And that wasn't the only time he was in there.

Elizabeth I locked him up, too!

Mind you, he didn't exactly waste his time in prison.

They've got a guilty secret.

It's Guilty Cordial from Sir Walter Raleigh.

So good, they should lock it up.

And they have! Cos it's made here in prison by me!

Urgh!

I'm Sir Walter Rah - urgh! - leigh.

Elizabethan spy, explorer, soldier, poet,

and now soft drink maker.

My medicinal, healthy cordials are all made here by my hand,

in the Tower of London.

Cos there's not much else to do.

Fancy a sip, Bird?

He never says anything.

Guilty Cordials are made with only the freshest of ingredients,

many of them grown here during my exercise hours

in the gardens of the prison.

Oh, look, some rosemary.

Through that unlocked gate.

Ah! I was just going to close it.

Guilty Cordial is made from rosemary, elderflower,

thistles, clay, wood...

That wood bark's got a bit of raven poo on it. Revolting.

..antlers, and the hearts and livers of deadly vipers.

But not their skins. That's disgusting.

So why not try Guilty Cordial from me, Sir Walter Raleigh?

It's so good, they have to keep me locked up.

And also because I plotted to overthrow the new King James.

And I attacked the Spanish when I said I wouldn't.

And a bunch of other stuff.

What can I say? I'm as guilty as my own cordial, ooh!

Guilty Cordial. Hurry, while stocks last.

Production will definitely cease on the 29th October 1618.

Oh, why are they letting me out?

Erm, well, not exactly.

Ohhhh!

Cor! That stuff sounds delish!

I might just get off this stupid step and get myself a glass.

Stay where you are, Rattus!

Yes, Mummus.

Thought she'd gone out.

Still, trying to escape can be naughty, too.

Especially when you're escaping from prison.

That didn't stop Charles I, though.

He's in at number eight

cos he tried to escape lots, which is what I'm going to do right now.

Don't you dare, Rattus.

SIGHS Worth a try.

SIGHS

Going well, is it, sir?

Oh, sweet freedom! My liberty is nigh, I can feel it!

Maybe trying to escape through the bars wasn't such a great idea, sire.

Nonsense, why would you say a thing like that?

Well, it's just that you've had your head stuck for some time now.

That is such a glass-half-empty way of looking at things, Ashburnham.

Because you could say that my head is completely free from the prison.

Mm, yeah, but a lot of your body's still inside the prison, sire.

Yes. Right, new plan.

Like the greasy sausage, we shall slip through their hands.

We will head to the New Forest,

moving so fast they'll be unable to keep a hold of us.

LAUGHS Brilliant idea, Your Majesty.

Yes, it is. You might be forgetting one thing, though.

Your head is stuck in a window.

Will you stop being such a negative nelly?!

Everyone knows that if the head can pass through a space

then the rest can follow

because the head is the biggest part of the body.

So, here we go, one time, no thought, here we go!

Ahh!

STRAINS

Ta-da. Ow!

I think that just applies to mice, sir. Why didn't you say anything,

then, Ashburnham?! I did.

My shoulder's stuck now and I'm in a huge amount of physical pain!

OK, right plan C, plan C. Earlier today I took the precaution

of summoning a man servant whose OUTRAGEOUS CLOTHING

will distract from his face.

I'm talking a big, wide hat,

a fake beard and a wig and a big great coat. Hmm, yeah.

So all I need then do is disguise myself as him and, ah...

You mean this bloke? Yeah, we spotted him immediately.

You're not going anywhere. Now, here's my plan, you go back to bed

and you stay here, locked up and ready to be executed.

Pfft, tell them, Ashburnham.

It's a good plan, guard, if it weren't for one inescapable fact.

Head in window! I'm stucko, bucko!

LAUGHS

You're not very stealthy.

Well, if you're a Royalist Cavalier

you probably think Charles shouldn't have been in prison anyway,

so why shouldn't he try and escape?

But there's not much debate about number seven.

Meet Moll Cutpurse. She's a proper troublemaker.

Be careful, men, during these times of Civil War

the roads could be a haven for criminals.

Frankly, we got a lot of stuff that they might be interested in.

Ah, you mean all the gold in our chest?

I was trying not to draw attention to that. Whoa!

It's a woman!

In breeches!

Playing the lute!

Ahoy! The name's Moll Cutpurse.

Moll Cutpurse! You used to rob people all up and down the country,

you're well famous!

I am and I got the scars to prove it.

By which I mean they caught me and scarred me hands

to mark me as a thief and teach me the error of me ways.

Cool! It's not cool, it's punishment for breaking our rules.

Pray it may have worked.

Don't look like it... Yeah!

Hey!

Me money! Ah, me trousers!

LAUGHS Oh, you're brilliant!

And yet she's still just a petty thief, pickpocketing strangers.

How dare ya! I'm in me 60s now, pursuing me true passions.

Oh, what's that, then? Doing stick-ups. Hand over your loot

and I don't mean this kind.

Never! You may be able to scare the common folk

but I am a general of the highest authority.

I demand that you follow the rules of society... Oh.

..and the power of the law!

LAUGHS

Should have told ya, I don't care about the rules to society.

She's brilliant. Are none of you going to help?

Come on, lads, help me out. Cutpurse away!

Oh, the shame.

My breeches are round me ankles.

Oh, brilliant.

Well, I know she was naughty but she sounds brilliant.

And you know who else is brilliantly naughty? In at number six,

it's young Julius Caesar, and he's with a bunch of Cilician Pirates.

That's right, Ceasar was so naughty

even when he's kidnapped by pirates

he ends up being the naughty one.

Captain! We have captured a young nobleman. He's a Roman.

Perfect. Tremble, Roman,

for you have been captured by the Cilician Pirates!

Yeah, can we hurry this up?

Eh? Look, I'm Gaius Julius Caesar,

I've got a lot on and this is really starting to drag.

Tremble! We did that bit! Can we just get to the ransom demand?

Right, if your friends want to see you alive again...

Yeah, blah-blah-blah. How much?

You serious?

20 talents of silver.

20?! Yeah.

How dare you!

Tie me up. Wrists. I'm staying right here

until you get a fee worthy of me.

I mean, honestly! Ankles.

I'm worth 50 talents, at least.

Fine then, 50 talents, please.

Thank you! 20!

Genuinely hurt by that.

OK, I'll get my men to arrange the payment.

Huh! Huh! Oi, men!

I've been captured by cu-culdici... Cilician.

..Cilician pirates. I need you to go around the Aegean coastal cities

and raise 50 talents. And if they complain,

kindly remind them that if they were patrolling properly

then we wouldn't be having so much trouble

with these low lives!

No offence.

Huh! Hu-uh!

Down.

Steve, you don't have to.

Good boy. Huh!

What are you doing? Ah! So, what have you guys

got planned for entertainment? Entertainment?

Well, sometimes we play ballgames or hold athletic tournaments.

Would you be quiet? I don't want to play with him.

Sounds fun, I'm in. Oh, and also I'm going to need a few of your men

for an audience. Audience? Yeah, I'll be writing some poetry

whilst I'm here and it'd be good to get some feedback.

Feedback? Well, my men don't really like poetry.

Great! I've been kidnapped by a bunch of oiks

who don't appreciate the arts.

Urgh! Fine! I'll just get some shut-eye. Just keep it down, yeah?

No, I will not keep it down! I've got to keep it loud!

I'm a pirate! Shush! Oh, and, by the way,

when I get free I'm going to hunt you all down

and have you crucified - and not in a nice way.

Oh! I'd rather that than listen to his poetry.

Oh-ho-ho-ho! The burn.

I can hear you, you know.

Sorry.

We're into the last five and that means some properly bad behaviour.

At number five - the one and only Guy Fawkes.

Guy tried to kill King James I.

He was going to blow the king and his whole parliament up.

Luckily, Guy's naughty gunpowder plot went up in smoke.

OWL HOOTS

Halt! Oh!

Sorry to interrupt, mate.

But apparently some joker's trying to blow up the Houses of Parliament.

Oh.

You haven't seen him around, have you?

No.

OK, fair enough. We'll leave you to it. Have a good night and...

Hang on a second. That's a lot of firewood

to be stacking right underneath the Houses of Parliament.

Is it? I wouldn't really know, I'm just a lowly servant man

looking after a cellar full of wood

for my boss, Thomas Percy.

Fair enough. Well, boys, it looks like nothing dodgy is going on here.

Let us know if you see anything strange. Will do!

Let's go find the guy. Yes?

What? You said Guy.

Is your name Guy?

No.

What's your name?

John. John what?

John...

..son. John, Johnson, my name's John Johnson.

John Johnson?

Yeah.

Lovely to meet you, John Johnson! Good to meet you, too!

Better let you get on with it.

Let us know if you see anyone up to no good. Johnson's your man.

A close one.

Proof if ever that God is on our side.

Nothing can stop us now.

LOUD CLATTERING

Just one more thing.

Wait a second, what's all this?!

John Johnson, you are nicked!

Drop that barrel of gunpowder!

I don't think that will be a very good idea.

You're probably right!

Well, Guy Fawkes was definitely naughty.

But guess what? He wasn't the ringleader of the Gunpowder Plot,

and while he got caught in the act,

the brains behind it, Robert Catesby,

and lots of other plotters, very nearly got away with it.

And that's why Guy's at five and the rest of the plotters

are right here on the naughty list at number four.

With Guy Fawkes now captured,

lead investigator Sheriff Richard Walsh and his men

are hot on the trail of Catesby and his fugitive crew,

including Thomas Wintour and Everard Digby.

OK, a quick recap, guys.

Fawkes is out of the picture and Parliament is safe.

But Robert Catesby and the rest of the conspirators

still want to start a rebellion. So let's hunt them down.

It's pretty obvious they'll head for the Midlands and the weather's bad,

so we should look out for some soaking wet, stressed-out Catholics.

I'm stressed! I'm super stressed! Everything's ruined!

Come on, Wintour, Digby - everything will be fine.

Will it, Catesby, will it?!

Cos our plan's just gone up in smoke, or rather it didn't.

That was the old plan. Old plan?

Yeah, the new plan

is that we lie low here, at Holbeche House in Staffordshire,

drum up support, start a revolt.

They'll never see us coming.

They'll be lying low, drumming up support

and trying to start a revolt. That's standard.

NARRATOR: Catesby's crew are drying out inside Holbeche House.

It's going great, guys. We've got hundreds of willing men.

All the willing men have left.

WAILS

Never mind. We're a small group of willing men

who can move fast and achieve a lot.

I'll tell you what, getting hold of those horses,

now that was a stroke of luck.

We've got word of some stolen horses in Warwick

so let's go and check it out.

There's going to be fireworks.

FIREWORK POPS

There.

Now that is how you dry gunpowder.

Look, I know I'm not the explosives expert

but I'm sure there was something to remember about gunpowder and fire.

How else are you meant to dry it? I don't know!

Well, it doesn't work if it's wet, so we didn't have much of a choice.

But don't worry, it's perfectly safe!

EXPLOSION

Oh, my eyes, I can't see!

I'm off! I'm coming with you.

Come on, man! Surely you can see that my plan will still work!

I can't see anything any more! Calm down, they'll never find us!

We've found them.

Do you think we should just... give up?

Never. It's fine. Don't worry about it.

It's all... GUNSHOT

..good.

Well, if you say-so, Catesby.

Catesby? Bad luck, guys, you've been hunted down and,

in some cases, shot.

What happened? Did we win?

I'll take that as a no!

We're down to my top three now,

so it's time for some serious antisocial behaviour.

And it doesn't come much more antisocial

than chopping people's heads off.

At number three, it's your favourite king and mine,

and certainly his favourite, Henry VIII.

Henry was naughty in lots of ways

but one of the naughtiest things about him

was the way he dealt with other naughty people.

Hiya! I'm Henry VIII. Monarch. Serial husband.

And massive fan of chopping people's heads off.

Sweet!

And what better place to make heads roll

than here in the Tower of London?

So in this vid I'm going to give you my five faves.

Welcome to Top Of The Chops.

Ooh!

Lovely stuff, John, off in one.

Thank you, Your Majesty.

Top bloke.

Right, number five, it's my fifth wife Catherine Howard.

Her head had to roll

because I found out that she'd had loads of boyfriends

before I married her, which I did not like.

Ladies, top tip, don't marry a jealous king with his own axe man.

Bit of beef, Beefy? I'm vegetarian.

What...?

Anne. My second wife. My first love.

And number four in my Top Chops.

I did my job redecorating the tower for her.

She didn't do her job in giving me a son,

so it was choppity-chop-chop.

It was quite sad, though.

She said some lovely things about me on the scaffold,

even asked the crowd to pray for me. Really quite moving.

Still killed her, though.

Argh! Wow, a bull's-eye!

Thomas Cromwell came a cropper when he met the chopper.

He had to go because he organised my fourth marriage

to Anne of Cleves, and she was not nearly as pretty as he said she was.

He's also did a bunch of treason stuff.

I stuck his head on a spike on London Bridge.

Well, I had to put it somewhere.

Margaret Pole, she was a stubborn one.

She made a huge fuss because she didn't want me to divorce

my ex, Catherine of Aragon.

She even encouraged an invasion of England.

And her head was just as stubborn.

It took 11 chops to get it off.

Gnarly, dude!

And at number one...!

I tell you what's not all fun and games,

beheading someone who you really like.

Thomas More was a dear friend of mine

but, guys, you don't disagree with the king on religion!

If people lose their heads, people gon' lose their heads.

It was quite sad, though, the executioner even apologised to him.

More kissed him and said, "It's fine."

So maybe he was cool with it. Anyway, top bloke,

shame about the...

So, there you have it.

My five Top Of The Chops.

Don't forget to like, follow and

subscribe to my religious reforms. Or else!

And watch out for next week's video,

Top Of The Pork Chops, where I count down my fave five royal feasts.

Num-num-num-num-num!

Great swing, John, a thing of beauty.

Do you want to join me for a round of tennis?

Say yes or I'll make you chop your own head off. Yeah.

Thought so. Maybe lose the mask.

Ahh!

Freaking me out.

Well, we're nearly at the top of our top ten,

but number two might be a surprise to some of you.

It's Christopher Columbus!

Columbus was a brave explorer who discovered the Americas.

But the way he treated his crew

and the unfortunate locals he found living there

was very naughty indeed.

It's nearly bedtime here at YeBeebies,

so for all of you little mariners sailing off to Sleep Island,

we've got a special guest today

to tell us a bedtime story about their real-life adventures.

Hello, boys and girls, I am Christopher Columbus

and in 1492 I sailed the ocean blue

searching for a new trade route between Europe and China.

But what I actually discovered was an entire new continent -

the Americas.

What an adventure!

It was full of exciting, vibrant people

that I could kidnap and force to work for me.

Sorry, what?

And there was nothing they could do because we were so heavily armed.

OK, how about we just stick to the adventure bits?

OK. There were lots of swashbuckling battles as we fought for our lives.

There we go! Exciting! Charge!

The battles ended when I cut the heads off three local people.

Here, let me show you how I did it.

OK, seriously,

I think we should stop talking about the nasty stuff that you did

to those poor people who were already living there,

and focus on the exploring.

That's fine. After we finished

there weren't many of them left anyway. Now, did you know

the Americas are filled with gold?

Treasure! That's more like it.

Did you have a treasure map?

I didn't need one, I just said I'd kill any local person

over the age of 14 who didn't bring me gold.

Much easier. OK. I think we've had enough

of your adventures for one day.

Possibly forever.

You know, I think the message of my story is,

when you are faced with an impossible task,

what you really need to do is believe in yourself.

Wow! That is a great message for our children.

For example, I believed it was right

to have members of my own crew whipped

for buying food without my permission.

OK, OK, get out! Get out.

We're going to get complaints about this.

Hello, Nero Claudius Caesar Augustus Germanicus here.

Or Emperor Nero, for short.

I was Roman Emperor number five

but I was number one when it came to playing the bagpipes.

I loved playing the bagpipes.

I didn't love my mum quite as much.

In fact, I actually tried to have her killed. Naughty.

But tell me, how did I do that?

Did I...?

The answer is A

and also B

and also C.

Some people send their mum lovely flowers,

some send her chocolates.

I sent her assassins. I wasn't a great son.

But I'll tell you what I was great at - playing the bagpipes.

And so, to lighten the mood,

I'll play you out with this little number I prepared.

A one, two, a one, two, three and...

Well, it's the end of the show,

and Mummus has said I can stop sitting on the naughty step,

so let's celebrate by revealing the number one

in my Top Ten Naughtiest People. Drum roll, please!

Rattus! You are making too much noise again!

Go and sit on the naughty step!

Oh! Unbelievable!

Well, at number one is not just one

but three of history's naughtiest dads.

It's our old friend Henry making his second appearance on the list -

he's that naughty -

along with William the Conqueror

and Pharaoh Ramesses II.

They're all together and ready to rock at number one.

One, two, three, four!

# We want a crown that says World's Greatest Dad

# Quite rightly, it's something we've never had

# If you ask our children, they'll certainly agree

# There's some great dads out there, just not us three

ALL: # Dad, dad da-da-dad

# Da-da-da-dad

# Da-da-da-da-dad

# Da-da-da-dad

# I was a father

# Who wanted a son

# When I had two daughters

# I despatched their mums

# Then got a boy

# With wife number three

# Edward's my man

# Forget Liz and Mary

ALL: # Cos Being a dad ain't easy

# Feels like you can't do enough

# I distanced my daughters and sent them away

# Maybe I was a little bit tough

ALL: # Dad, dad da-da-dad

# Da-da-da-dad

# Robert, my eldest

# I used to call names

# Fat legs and short pants

# Such fun and games

# Then we fell out Da-da-da-da-dad

# Had a big barny Da-da da-dad

# I thought we were close Da-da-da-da-dad

# But he deserted my army Da-da-da-dad

# No, being a dad ain't easy

# Sometimes you just can't agree

# You end up at war on opposite sides

# Or maybe that was just me

# Da-da-da-da-dad

# Da-da-da-dad

# I'm just a typical

# Family guy

# Around 100 children

# By eight different wives

# It's hard being a dad Da-da-da-da-dad

# With eight wives in the mix Da-da-da-dad

# I thought I did well Da-da-da-da-dad

# And I only had six Da-da-da-dad

# No, being a dad ain't easy

# There's no tougher job on the Earth

# It's really much harder than being a mum

# If you don't count giving birth

# I really love Edward

# But I suppose I ought to have paid more attention to my eldest daughter

# Me and Robert at war, such a great shame

# I had enough trouble just remembering their names

# Being a dad ain't easy

# I wish we could turn back the clock

# We may not be the greatest examples

# Cos you generally find that dads rock

# Da-da-da-da-dad Dad's rock

# Da-da-da-dad Dad's rock

# Da-da-da-da-dad Dads rock!

# Da-da-da-dad, dads rock! #

Rock!

# Horrible Histories! #

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0