Original subtitles

Aikman's looking good today.

He just threw an interception.

I didn't say he was playing good.

You can't even see his face behind the helmet.

I didn't say his face.

Hey. Hi.

Hey, how was the park?

Oh, Cece had a little incident.

Yeah, she dropped one in the sandbox again.

No, she saved that for the walk home.

Come on, Stinky.

What happened?

Oh, she bit a kid.

Oh, boy. You got to get on that.

We did. We explained to her that biting is wrong, and if she's upset, she should

use her words.

Ugh.

What? Here's a word.

Pathetic.

It's pathetic to teach my daughter right from wrong? Look, honey, Aikman's

bending over to tie his shoe.

No, it's ridiculous to think you can reason with a two -year -old.

What would you have done?

Bite her back.

You're joking.

She ain't.

I'm not biting my daughter.

Worked on you.

You bit me? You bit me.

Only one.

You let her bite me?

Only once.

Right now?

No.

Yeah, but what if she's that weird bitey kid that nobody wants to play with?

Oh, that'd be awful.

No, I'm serious.

This kind of stuff follows you around. I knew this kid who wet himself in

kindergarten, and then all through high school, he was P .P. Peter.

Ain't a big deal. Sometimes two -year -olds bite.

Well, did you?

No, Missy was the biter.

But she mostly bit Shelton, so who could blame her?

Well, what got her to stop?

I taught her to do purple nurples instead.

Is that what you're going to teach our daughter?

The playground's rough.

If you ain't the nurple -er, you're the nurple -ly.

How are you the father of my child?

Let me show you.

Come on, Cece, you have to get dressed.

No. I'm serious.

No. Come on, arms up.

That's it. You are in timeout. You are going to sit here and think about what

you did. No.

How's it going in there?

Fine, really.

Because it sounded like she bit you.

Which is why she's in timeout.

In her room with her toys. I hope she's okay.

She is my daughter, and I will raise her how I see fit.

Sounds like you got this.

What are you smiling about?

Cece bit Mandy.

You're happy about that?

Yes.

Very mature.

Georgie, if one of you would just bite her back, this would all end.

All I know is I love and support my wife.

Well done, young man.

You agree with him?

If I say yes, are you going to bite me?

Good one.

I hope she bites you both.

Was she like this when you married her? Believe it or not, she's mellowed.

Hey, you're here early.

Yeah, things are a little tense at the house.

Sorry.

That's it?

What? Well, this is usually when you say something stupid, like, did Mandy come

to her senses and kick you out?

I love that I'm in your head this much.

What's going on?

Cece's been biting people, and Mandy and her mom are knocking heads over how to

handle it.

Biting people?

You feeding her enough?

I'm sure it's just a phase.

When my dog was a puppy and he'd bite stuff, I'd give him a rubber bone that

want.

You want me to give my daughter a bone like a dog?

Why not?

I'm sure there's a good reason. I just can't think of it.

The bumpy ones also clean their teeth.

What you reading?

Book on parenting.

Anything helpful?

I don't know. Maybe we could put on a little play with stuffed animals to show

her how biting hurts.

My mom made me do a Christmas play once. I was a sheep.

Great. You can be a sheep again.

Don't typecast me. I got range.

Hey, how would you feel about giving her a rubber bone that you want?

Like a dog?

I know it sounds ridiculous.

It's way past ridiculous. It's nuts.

Right.

But why?

Hey, you ready?

Yeah. Okay, Cece, Mommy and Daddy are going to put on a little show for you.

Oh, who are you?

I'm Doodles the Dog.

Who are you?

I'm Billy Bob the Bear.

Hi, Billy Bob.

Want to play?

Sure, but not in the street.

That's dangerous.

How about we stick to the script, Billy Bob?

Excuse me for trying to squeeze in an extra lesson.

Want to play hide and seek?

Sure. I'll hide first.

No, I'll hide first.

Well, too bad.

Well, then I'm going to bite you.

Oh,

you bit me.

No, don't clap at that.

Yeah, I'm hurt.

Hi.

Um, I thought you were taking Cece to the park.

Oh, we had to cut it short. She bit someone again.

Oh.

It's all right. I handled it.

You didn't bite her, did you?

I had no choice.

Not biting her was a choice? It was just a nibble.

Well, did she cry?

Of course she cried. She's not used to being disciplined.

You had no right to do that.

Well, somebody had to parent her.

I... I am her parent. I parent her, not you.

Well, maybe I shouldn't watch her anymore.

Well, maybe you shouldn't.

Don't blame me if your kid's a cannibal.

Cooper residence.

Oh, hi, Mandy.

She bit her?

Of course, you can stay here for as long as you want.

No, no, no thanks necessary.

Okay, bye.

You do work in mysterious ways.

Can I get anyone another slice?

Oh, I'm stuffed.

Yeah, you didn't have to make us a pie.

My pleasure. Just one of the many perks of living here.

We ain't living here. It's just a couple days till everybody cools off.

Well, until my mom apologizes.

We might be living here.

I don't wish to speak ill of your mother. Oh, please.

Speak ill, ill away.

I just can't believe she would bite that sweet little angel.

Well, she ain't exactly been an angel lately.

So you think biting her was okay?

Well, of course not.

She should have just spanked her like a normal person.

What? We don't spank.

We don't?

No.

Have you spanked her?

Not yet, but I didn't know we were against it.

Well, we are.

She spanked me. I turned out fine.

I didn't spank him much.

You spanked me when I cussed, when I sassed.

Oh, you really spanked me that time I laughed while you were spanking me.

We are not talking about me. We are talking about her nasty mother and how

much... Our CC is here.

One time I flushed a cherry bomb down the toilet at school.

I got whooped by the principal, my dad.

Even the custodian got in the whack.

That's terrible.

Maybe, but that was the last time I blew up plumbing with fireworks.

Word on the street is you finally drove Georgie and Mandy out.

They'll be back.

Till then, I guess it's just the three of us.

Like the good old days, huh?

Feel free to drive him out, too.

Good one, Pop.

I miss this.

Connor, you think I was a good mother, right?

The best.

Thank you.

I don't know what Amanda's problem is.

You bit her daughter.

I knew you were going to find some way to blame me.

It's the one thing she said not to do. You always take her side.

I'd love to take your side, but you make it hard.

You always want to be the good guy. This just feels right.

What's all this?

Sorry, I was just trying to find something Cece would eat.

I made eggs, but she didn't want that, so I made some pancakes, and she spit

that out, so it's a oatmeal.

We were always more of a eat what's in front of you kind of house.

I just always think it's more important she gets a good meal than what's easiest

for me.

Never thought of it that way.

If I did this at my house, my mom would roll her eyes so hard she'd pull a

muscle. Well, her generation is kind of set in their ways.

Sure are.

You know, if you think about it, I am closer to your age than your mom's.

I guess.

I did the math. It's true.

Um, listen, I need to run some errands later. Do you mind watching Cece for a

few hours? I would love to.

Oh, and if she throws a tantrum, we've been working on taking deep breaths, so

just a reminder.

Two, three.

Yeah.

You got it.

Okay, Cece, give Nana the block.

No.

Take a deep breath and give Nana the block.

No.

I'm going to ask one more time, give Nana the block.

Ow!

Don't you laugh, you little... Sorry

I'm late. I drove to the other house before I remembered.

No problem.

Dinner's in the oven.

What happened to you?

Your daughter threw a block at me.

You okay?

I'm fine.

I'll talk to her. Mandy already told her to apologize.

Good. She said no.

I don't know what's gotten into her.

It's not her fault.

Thanks. It's yours.

What? I wasn't even here.

Your daughter needs boundaries.

The Bible is very clear. Spare the rod, spoil the child.

Where was that last night when Mandy was saying we don't spank? It is not my

place to say something, but someone else could.

Like who?

Maybe Mandy's husband or Cece's father?

Those are both me.

Oh, Mary, if you have a cookie, I think I can get her to apologize.

I thought you were in the shower.

No, your mother is in the shower, and Rincey called next.

Hmm, if only there was a place where we had our own bathroom.

You would trade your daughter's safety for a shower?

And a toilet.

Look, your mom went too far, but Cece does need some boundaries.

She hurt my mom.

So we should hit her?

It ain't hitting, it's fanking.

See, no big deal.

Get over my knee and I'll show you.

I can't believe you're not with me on that.

The Bible does say, spare the rod, spoil the child.

Since when do you quote the Bible?

It's not me.

It's the house.

No, I get it now. This is coming from your mother.

What? Yeah, you two have been talking about what a bad parent I am.

No, what bad parents we are, because we're a team.

You suck.

No, we suck.

Remember, team.

Welcome back to Family Spotlight. Our next caller wants to ban her sister from

her wedding. Ooh, yummy.

Hi, Jeanette. You're on the air with Dr. Oliver.

Tell me about this sister of yours.

Well, she announced her pregnancy at my bridal shower.

Boring.

And I think my fiance's the father.

Here we go.

Thanks for calling Family Spotlight, where our spotlight is on your family.

Our next caller is Mandy from Texas.

Mandy, I understand you're upset with your mother.

Get this.

She bit my daughter.

I'm sorry. Did you say hit?

Or bit. Oh, bit with a B, as in bitch like my mother?

And why would your mom do this?

My two -year -old's just going through a biting phase, and she insisted on

teaching her a lesson.

Has she bitten people before?

My daughter or my mother. Doesn't matter. Yes to both.

Thank you for letting me know.

What's going on?

Apparently, Amanda is on the radio saying awful things about me.

Oh, no.

What station?

She thinks her way is the only way to do things. I mean, just because she broke

my father's spirit, she thinks she can do the same to me. Hold on, hold on.

We're being told that we actually have your mom on the other line.

What? No, don't pick up. Hi, Audrey. You're on with Dr. Oliver.

I don't know what Amanda has been telling you, but I was an excellent

You bit your granddaughter.

It was a nibble, and I was simply teaching her there are consequences for

behavior. With more bad behavior? Let her have it, Doc.

Well, recent studies do suggest that nonviolent methods like timeouts can be

more effective form of child rearing. Mm -hmm. Write that, Mom.

Sounds like a load of Yankee psychobabble. Where are you based out

Chicago.

Of course you are.

You see what I'm dealing with here?

Welcome to Texas, where we're biting and spanking all the ding -ding -ding.

Don't be so dramatic. Your father spanked you, and you survived.

I got news for you. He didn't lay a finger on me.

What?

Yeah, couldn't do it. He just told you he did.

Jim, I know you're listening. Pick up a phone.

I don't want to.

Jim?

Hello.

That ain't good.

All right, thanks.

What? Mandy and Mrs. McAllister are going at it on the radio.

Really? Like you don't want to hear it.

AM 1060, thank you.

I couldn't do it.

She would look at me with those big eyes.

I would have been like spanking Bambi.

So it's your fault she's like this.

Happy, successful, confident, soft, spoiled, and ungrateful.

Can I hang up now?

No. Audrey, you do seem to harbor some resentment toward your daughter.

That's not true.

Oh, please. She's been out to get me ever since I met my husband.

Oh, and when you say met, you mean got knocked up by.

And should I mention he was only 17 when it happened?

Mom!

Can I please hang up?

You gonna call in and defend your woman's honor?

Not in a million years.

So now we're staying at my mother -in -law's?

She's a piece of work. She was pretending to be all supportive, but

back she was calling me a bad parent.

Sounds like her.

Stay out of this!

Actually, I believe we have your mother -in -law on the other line.

Is this Mary?

You are darn tootin' it is!

behind your back.

That's not what Georgie said.

Well, I don't know what he told you, but I do believe in spanking and he is not

too old to go over my knee.

Nice chance.

Screw it. Down.