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RADIO ANNOUNCER:
Well, it looks like
and it could be

and it probably
is a little after 7:00 A.M.

on a sleepy Saturday morning
in Kenosha,

which, right now,
is as lively and exciting

as any other town in the world
at 7:00 A.M.

Except here,
this cool, cool jock

without hard rock,

namely me, laid-back Larry,

in fine and mellow
middle America,

happening now
for all you
early-rising lovers

of life, love,
and the pursuit of music,

come rain or come shine.

And the rains are coming.

Light showers predicted,
clearing this afternoon.

Now at the top of the charts,
the beautiful...

Darcy, Lila's here.

Hi, Mrs. Elliot.

Bonjour, Lila.

Comment a va?

Darcy,
we're going to be late.

I know, I'm almost done.

Is that your article
on Senator Proxmire?

Uh-huh.

I thought you mailed it
yesterday.

Oh, I'm so excited
for you girls.

A weekend
at a real college.

You didn't mail it?

I was going to,

but that press conference
last night

just changed everything.

Damn, I hate
this stupid thing!

Are you through
with this?

Oh, I know Darcy
would love for me to come,

but I have
to work if Darcy

and I are going
to go to Paris in style, huh?

That's what she told me.
Come on, Darcy.

Okay. Done.

I'll mail it
on the road.

Oh, you know, the news
said it was going to rain.

But I don't know.
It looks nice out to me.

So, you're going to be
staying in a dorm, huh?

Not that I'm prying.

You're entitled
to your space.

Mother.
Hmm?

You're standing in my space.

Oh, okay.
Give me a kiss.

Come on.

Mm.

Have fun.
Bye.

Well,
maybe you'll meet

some of those university men,
huh, girls?

All right, Mom.

Actually, I wouldn't mind
you meeting some new boys.

There, I've said it.

Uh, Mom, what time
do you have to be at work?

Oh, yeah, I guess
I'd better get going.

You drive carefully, Lila.

Why didn't I think
of that?

Au revoir.

Call me
if you meet someone special!

You guys, this
is so romantic,

you two
going off together,

spending the night
together.

Got the map?

Got the map.

Alone together
for the first time.

Got the tapes?
In the car. Thermos?

Full.

Oh, thanks
for covering me.

Don't worry about it.

See you tomorrow, pal.

Bye, you guys.

So how long do you think
it's going to take to
get there?

Mm, about two hours.

If we don't,
you know, stop.

What if we do,
you know, stop?

We may never get there.

Hmm.

Maybe we shouldn't
have stopped.

Mm, yeah.

Oh, but what
if I'm late?

I won't let you
be late.

Well, I guess
a little late

wouldn't hurt, huh?

Uh-uh.

I love you, Darcy.

I love you, Stan.

Oh, I'm so nervous.

What if he doesn't
like my stuff?

Sweetheart, he's going
to love your stuff.

You know, they say
this guy's

the toughest editor
they ever had.

And you're
the best writer.

They say
if he doesn't ask you

to send what you write
in senior year,

you can just forget
about working on the paper.

He's not going to ask you.
He's going to beg you.

He's going to get down on his
knees and he's going to say,

"Oh, Darcy Elliot, please send
us every word you write."

Well, yeah,
what if he doesn't?

God, my socks
are still wet.

Fascinating.

You mean, your
state representative

actually spoke
at your school assembly?

Uh-huh. Well, did you
read what he said?

I mean, he really
gave it to our mayor.

"Swampy Soccer Field
Flooded with Frogs?"

Well, yeah, there were
a couple thousand of them.

You see, I checked with
the Department of Agriculture,

and the water table had risen

so their eggs didn't dry up
like they were supposed to--

That's, uh,
quite a story.

I hope The Washington Post
Àpicked that one up.

Okay, look, Donald.

I'm sure this sounds
like small potatoes

to both of you--

Uh, it's Ronald.

Excuse me, Ronald.

But these frogs
were very big
news at my school

and very big news
in Kenosha,

which is where I live

and where I find
my stories.

Do you know Mike Royko?

He writes about Chicago.

Fran Liebowitz writes
about New York.

I write about Kenosha.

Tell you what.

Send me what you write
on your paper this year.

Let's see
what we can do.

I like your passion.

Thanks.

Are you
going here too?

Caltech,
architecture.

If my scholarship
comes through.

He'll get it.

So you'll be here

and he'll be
in California?

We'll manage.

Live for holidays
and vacations, right?

You know it.

That's right.

Thanks, Ronald.
Thanks, Beth.

Bye.

To be young again.

Piece of shit.

It's so incredible.

I mean,
I can't believe

it looks exactly
like your design.

My mom did
all the hard work,

all the stitching.

And I can't believe
you added a skylight.

And...

It's removable.

I wish we had
some marshmallows.

Yeah, so do I.

But I do have
a surprise for you.

You have
a surprise?

Yeah.
Close your eyes.

Oh, I love surprises.
What is it?

I can't tell you or
it wouldn't be a surprise.

Can I open up
my eyes?

Not in this forest.
Can I open up one eye?

Uh-uh.
Can I have a hint?

Put out your hand.

Oh, that's so sweet.

When'd you get them?

Before we left.

You're so romantic.

Here's to forever.

And always.

* And if I had the chance

* I'd never let you go

You know,
maybe they were right...

About us.

What are you
talking about?

Well, you know.
I mean, I don't know.

Maybe it's not going
to work out.

Why?

People change and drift apart.

Not us.
We're different.

Yeah.

You bet, yeah.

* Be my be my
Be my little baby *

* My one and only

Do you think
we could live in a tent?

Huh?

I mean, not forever,

just on
a permanent basis.

You and me?

Yeah.

I think
we could live anywhere.

As long
as it had a skylight.

And maybe a Jacuzzi.

* I'll make you happy, baby
Just wait *

I've never seen
so many stars.

Beautiful.

Did you see that?

Uh-huh.

Did you make a wish?

Uh

Uh-huh.

* ...From the day I saw you

*I have been waiting for you

* You know I will adore you

* Till eternity...

Can you think of another way
to say hygiene?

Uh, "Hello, Gene?"

Tsk.

Cleanliness. That's good.

Can I have half?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Mm. Teenage lust.

Uh-oh, sex patrol.

When you start
to like boys,

do you have
to chew their gum?

Well, you know,
your brother's gum

is the first gum
that I ever chewed.

Is that
what love is?

It's a start.

But you're pals
too, right?

Yeah.

What's
a panimonial suit--

MAN: We're home!

Thank God.

Your daughter
wants to know

what a palimony
suit is.

Where does she get that stuff?

Dr. Ruth.

Why do you let her
watch Dr. Ruth?

I don't let her watch.

You let her watch.

That Dr. Ruth is funny.

I'll tell you
what palimony is, Mary.

I'll handle this.

Palimony is when a man
gives a woman

the best years of his life

and then she has the nerve
to want money for it.

It's not
just the women.

I read about this man
in Beverly Hills, California,

who sued his girlfriend
for half of her tanning salon.

Stay for dinner,
Darcy.

We're having glumpkies.

Oh, I'd love to,
but it's Thursday.

Oh, yeah. French night.

French night.
French night.

Ooh-la-la.
Ooh-la-la.

Come wid me
to ze Casbah.

What's a Casbah?

We have
French Fries.

French dressing.

Oh, ze French toast.

And for dessert,

we've got ice cream,
French vanilla.

And French kissing,
with gum.

Mm!

Oh, come on, Darcy.

There's more to life
than Big Macs.

Well?

Your job is looking out
for your mom.

Okay, it was red
and now it's pink.

Okay.

"If there's any change

from the original
intense red color

this indicates
a positive result."

Positive!
So it's positive.

Not positive, good.

Positive, bad.

It's just defective. That's--
We'll just take it back.

We'll just get another one
and we'll just do it again.

Darcy,
it's not defective.

Look, my dad's
a doctor.

I know
about these things.

I can't believe this.

I've been taking the pill
forever.

What am I going to do?

Yo, Stan,
thanks for the cleanup.

I owe you one, kid.

Hi, Mr. Bobrucz.

Oh, hey...

Darcy Elliot,
Kenosha's star reporter.

What are you doing,

one of those
expos stories

on bunions
across America?

Hey!

No smooching
back there, now.

It'll set off
the sprinklers.

Good night, Dad.

I'm going,
I'm going.

Boy,
you look happy.

You know, I bet

if I put
your smiling face

outside the front
of the store

I'd get
a lot more customers.

I know.

You got a B-plus

on your French exam,
right?

Now, it can't be
that bad.

It is that bad.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

When was
your last period?

Two months ago.

Two months?

I thought you were
taking the pill.

Well, I'm irregular, okay?

I mean, that's why
I started taking the damn pill

in the first place,

to regulate my periods.

My doctor put me on it
when I was 14 years old,

and once I forgot,

and then I doubled
the next day,

just like
I was supposed to.

You told me--

You said you started
taking it for me.

Well, I lied, okay?

I'm sorry. I didn't mean
to lie to you.

I mean, I would've
started taking it for you

if I wasn't already taking it.
I just didn't want to tell you

that I was already taking it,
because I didn't want you

to think that I was cheap
and easy, because I'm not.

You made me wait two
and a half years.

Why would I think
you were easy?

God, this
is all my fault.

Hey...

It's not like
you were there

by yourself,
you know.

I never thought it would
happen like this.

I mean,
I knew it'd be you.

I knew that much,
but like this?

Surrounded by
Hush Puppies.

Lisa Jordan
had two already.

I heard
Marilyn Monroe had 13.

Who's Lisa Jordan?

She sits behind you
in Calculus.

Well, look, still,
it's no big deal.

Look, this
is Darcy's decision.

It's her life.

Oh, her life.

It's her body.

Look, Stan and I
are supposed

to go to California
next year.

Shh.

I mean, what's he supposed
to do with his body?

Stay home and babysit?
Cute.

We could always
give it up for abortion.

You mean
"adoption."

That's what I said,
adoption.

Yeah, that's what
he said, adoption.

No, he didn't.
He said abortion.

No, I said
adoption.

I heard you,
Stan.

Loud and clear.

Well, you heard me
wrong, okay?

Okay.

GIRL: You went out
with Stan Bobrucz?

So?

You're lying.
I am not.

We were in
seventh grade.

We were children.

Yeah,
weren't we all?

But since then,
he's gotten so mature,

so deep.

Michaela,
you're so bad.

You want
to know bad?

It's tying a guy down

before he's old enough
to buy a girl a drink.

Yeah, well, I bet
you won't read

about Darcy
getting knocked up

in her precious
little paper,

so I'll just write it
on the wall in here.

I love it when the smart kids
turn out to be so stupid.

I'm almost
into my second trimester.

Stan, we've got
to tell them something.

It's not going
to go away.

Don't worry.
We'll figure it out.

It doesn't
make any sense

to tell them anything

until we decide
what we want to do.

Besides,
it's Thanksgiving.

How can you tell them
on Thanksgiving?

Well, I was thinking
along the lines of,

"I'm pregnant. Can
you pass the turnips?"

Look, we'll talk
about it--

Come on, kids. Dinner.

That's a beautiful looking
turkey, Mrs. Bobrucz.

Hey, Stick. Do you know
what your cousin Jimmy says

about that Caltech?

What'd he say?
What's he say?

He says every one

of those
architect students

has his own computer.

Do you believe that?

Boy, it sure wasn't like that
when I didn't go to school.

I hope you like
my stuffing.

Oh, well, the French
do a wonderful thing

with their stuffing.

Apples, grapes, and raisins.
Right, honey?

Mm-hmm.

How creative.

Yeah, except
in this country,

we don't call that
stuffing.

We call that fruit.

Honey? Grace.

Grace.

Anybody can do it.

Only a doctor
can do it.

Whoa!

No talking
during grace, huh?

I'm just trying
to tell Mary

that only a doctor
can do an abortion, and not--

That's not true!

Right, Daddy?

Hey, where'd you hear
a word like that?

Mary said it.
Lou said it.

You know the rules
in this house.

No lying.

Where'd you
hear that?

Well, all right.

I'm going to ask you
one more time.

Where'd you hear
that word?

I'm pregnant.

Can you pass
the turnips?

Abortion is not a dirty word.

It's a simple medical
solution.

Hey, you can just forget
about abortion,

because this kid's
going up for adoption,

and that's that!

Well, obviously, you've never
heard of the word "choice,"

but then,
why would you?

It's not
a four-letter word.

What the hell's
that supposed to mean?

Look. I know you think
that you're in love.

Yeah, I thought
I was in love once too.

When was the last time

we saw
your goddamn father,

let alone a check?

Honey, promise me

you're not going
to have this baby.

Right now, the whole world
is your oyster.

Oh, yeah?

What about
my son's oysters, huh?

He's got
this brilliant career

ahead of him,

designing schools
and churches and shit!

Darcy and I are going
to Paris next summer.

Look, if we could all
just discuss--

Butt out! We're trying
to decide your future here!

Oh, look, honey.

Do you know how many
people'd just love

to adopt
a cute little baby?

Don't be stupid!

That takes care of Stan.
What about Darcy?

Hey, call your daughter
stupid!

She's the one
got herself in trouble.

Dad!

Oh, she got herself
pregnant!

Well, hallelujah!

It's another
virgin birth!

Let's not drag
the church into this.

Why not?

Your husband wants me

to hide my daughter away
in some convent

so she won't
embarrass your family.

Are you going
to do this

every time Stan gets
someone pregnant, huh?

Mother!

Why don't we just keep it?
Grow up!

You had a gerbil last year.

You forgot to feed it.
It died.

This kid's going up
for adoption, period!

No, Darcy is not going
to lug this baby around

for nine months
and get stretch marks

so you can give it up
to Catholic charities.

Mom, what
are stretch marks?

Stretch marks
are the badge of a real woman.

You are an unreasonable,
uncivilized peasant.

And you, Fifi,

can take
your French fruit

and stuff it

up your big bird.

Okay, that's it.

This family
has made its decision.

We're calling
Dr. Barrick

and having this
taken care of

first thing
in the morning.

There. Done. Darcy?

Thanks for dinner.

Darcy!

Mom?

You never told me
Stan's gerbil died.

You said he ran away!

This is the smartest thing
you've ever done, honey.

It leaves
all the options open.

Now, I'm going
to get off work early

so I'll be here
when you get home, and...

We can pretend

this whole thing
never happened.

I still think

I should go with you,
though.

Mom, we've already
settled this.

Lila's going with me,

and Stan's picking me up,

and Stan is taking me
to the clinic.

Oh, great, Stan.
Okay.

Well, you'll be in
and out of there, honey.

You'll see.

Come here.

You okay?

You just thank God
you got

such an understanding
mother, huh?

Bye.

So this is the
right thing, right?

We said we wanted to do
what's right.

Right?

Guys?

I got to go.

Call me when you get home.

I'll come over, okay?

Okay.

Everything's going to be
just fine.

I know it.

I love you.

I love you too.

Okay...

It just doesn't seem
to want to fit, Mrs. Sitwell.

Are you sure
this is a five

Oh, definitely, Mrs. Sitwell.

Maybe we should try a size
six, huh?

Not on your life!

I wear a five-and-a-half.

Oh, I remember,
Mrs. Sitwell.

You know...

There must be something wrong
with that shoe.

Wrong with it?

Maybe.

Let me see if I can't find you
a larger five-and-a-half.

Be right back.

I'm in a bit
of a hurry here.

I'll be back in a jiff,
Mrs. Sitwell.

I was thinking
about it all day.

Having a kid
didn't sound so bad,

you know?

And someday,
we're going to do it.

We're going
to get married, have a--

I didn't do it.

What?
I didn't.

I tried
about 10 different times.

First, I tried to be
real, you know,

practical about it,

and then I tried to be
casual about it,

and then I tried to pretend
like I was in a hurry,

but just nothing worked.

So now I'm here.
So you didn't do it.

I know it makes sense to
do it, but I just,
I didn't feel like

I thought I would feel
about it, you know?

I mean, I know
it's not a bad thing,

but when I think about you
and me, I just want
to have it.

What do you think?
I mean, I can go back.

I can go back tomorrow--

No way. We're going
to have this kid, Darce.

You and me,
a little Bobrucz

with red hair
and your lips.

We can have
everything, right?

I mean, how did Hemingway
put it?

"You just have to grab
for the gusto."

That was
a beer commercial.

Well, he said it
too.

I love you, Darcy.

You really
think we can do it?

Of course we can do it.
Our parents did it.

Everybody's parents
did it.

We were going to do it anyway.
So we'll just do it sooner.

Right!

What is this,
the Sonny and Cher Show?

Mrs. Sitwell would like
her other shoe back...

So she can leave.

So, when do we tell
our folks?

Do we have
to tell them?

Probably.

Okay, soon.

The sooner,
the better.

* Deck the halls
With boughs of holly *

* Fa-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la *

*'Tis the season to be jolly

* Fa-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la *

Hey, what do you think
of that, Donna?

You'd better like that.

Like it?

I'm stunned.

Yeah, that's
the Eiffel Tower.

You plug it in.

It lights up,

just like
the real one.

Yeah, I know just where
I'd like to put this.

Thank you for the belt,
Mrs. Bobrucz.

Well, I saw that
in the store,

I said to myself,

"Now who has a waist
that little?"

Our Darcy.

Yeah, well, she gets
that type of a figure

from her mother.

Now, Donna...

Merry Christmas.

And now...

We're going to have a toast.

Thank you.

Dad, what about us?

Are you kidding?

Sure, I always
get my children loaded

on Christmas.

He's so funny.

There's yours.

There's yours.

Go out
to the ice box.

Get yourself
some ginger ale.

You know, it's great

that Stan and Darcy
got us together like this

because, today,

we're going to let
bygones be bygones.

I think even Donna
will go along with me

on this one.

There is nothing,

I mean,
absolutely nothing,

like family.

Hmm?

Darcy

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Stan.

Merry Christmas,
Stan.

Okay.

To family.

After all,
this was the day

when Mary and Joseph

started
their little family.

That's-- That's funny you
should mention that, Dad.

Here--
here's the thing.

We're going
to have one too.

What?

A family.

Darcy and I.

Oh, well, yeah.
Good, great.

You know,
God bless you.

Some day.

I mean now.

What the hell
are you talking about?

What Stan is trying
to say, is, um...

We've decided
to keep the baby.

You lied.

No, I didn't lie!

When I came home
from the clinic,

you asked me how it went,
so I said it wasn't so bad.

But you didn't do anything.

Oh, yeah, that's why
it wasn't so bad.

We haven't worked out
all the details yet.

Work out
this detail.

Your whole future's

going right
in the toilet.

We were going
to do it anyway.

It's just that we're
starting our future now.

Future

We got married
young.

Yeah, we got
married young,

because we were kids!

MRS. BOBRUCZ: Maybe
we could raise the baby

until the kids
got out of school.

What are you,
nuts?

We want to raise
our own baby.

And we're going to get
an apartment by ourselves,

and we're going
to fix it up really nice.

Uh-huh, and Stan
won't go to Caltech.

He'll spend
the rest of his life

stuffing fat feet
into little shoes.

It's not going
to be like that, Dad.

You're blowing
the chance of a lifetime.

Darcy Elliot,
this is an act of defiance.

Mother, you don't understand,
okay?

We love each other.
It's not what you think.

Young lady, you've
got to learn how to keep
your mouth shut

and your legs crossed.

You bastard!

Don't you ever talk to her
like that again!

You get out!
You get out of my house!

I left!

You didn't throw me out.
I left.

And don't come back here
looking for a handout!

Get away from me!

Darcy, I knew I should
have forbid you to see him.

Mother. Mother. Mother!
It was a mistake coming here--

And now what are we going
to do about Paris?

Mother, shut up!
Darcy, you come back here!

You are grounded!

Hey, wait up.

And where do you think
you're going?

With you.

Where do you think
I'm going?

You'd better
get back in there

before you get
in more trouble.

I can't.

I just told my mother
to shut up.

You told your mother
to shut up?

I did. I swear.

Get in the car.

I wish I had a Polaroid
of her face.

All right, with cash,
both savings accounts...

My Sweet 16 card
from Aunt Renee...

Mm-hmm, and my Christmas Club.

Six gift certificates
to McDonald's.

We got, mm...

$927 and six Big Macs.

$927?

Mm-hmm.

We're practically
rich!

Ohh!

What more
on this entire planet

can we possibly need?

More money.

More money?

Mm-hmm.

No pets, no loud music.

Any parties after 10:00,
you're out.

Rent's due
first of the month.

I don't get it,
you're out.

No drinking, no drugs.

I catch you with drugs,
you're out.

Any questions?

Yeah. What's that?

A Jacuzzi.

So, uh,
what do you think?

It's different.

It's big.

Big.

All it needs
is a little paint...

A little
imagination...

And a bed.

Come on, come on,
grab the bottom and lift.

This thing's heavy.

Look, you said this was
going to take five minutes.

We've been here a half
an hour. We're almost there.

What do I got to do next?
Actually, there is something.

I want you
to be my kid's godfather.

Godfather?
Yeah.

Oh, no.
You just want me

to change
the dirty diapers, huh?

Don't worry. As soon as
that little sucker pops out,

we housebreak him.

Oh, good.

Oh, great timing.

Oh, no.

Off the truck with the bed.

Oof.

What are you
talking about?

Hi, Mr. Bobrucz.

Hi, Chris
How you doing

All right, let's go!
Let's go.

It's my bed!

Oh, oh, yeah,
it's your bed, huh?

Is it your bed?
Did you pay for it?

You wet this bed.

I wet on the bed
that Lou got!

I did not wet on this bed!

All right, you go ask
Darcy's mother for a bed.

Ask her in French!

You want the bed?
Give me this!

Take the goddamn bed! I'll buy
my own bed! With my own money!

I'm a bastard,
right?

I love you, Dad.
I love you.

You're great, though.

I'm a bastard who's got
his own house!

When the hell did they stop
putting handles

on these son of a bitches?

Ah!

Happy New Year!

Oh, no! Put me down!

Put me down!

Let me go back
and get him!

Let's get us
some coffee!

Huh

Happy New Year,
man.

Oh, uh, I-- I'm covered.

Hey, Happy New Year
anyway.

* ...Just one look at you

* My heart grows tipsy
In me *

* You and you alone
Bring out *

* The gypsy in me

* I love all

* The many charms
About you *

* Above all
I want my arms about you *

* Don't be a naughty--

What's wrong?
What's the matter?

Nothing, nothing.

It's just that
I've never seen you, um...

Naked.

Naked?

Well, you know,
I mean, we did it,

but I-- I just never
actually looked at it.

Come on,
we did it six times.

Five times.

The car, the car,
the garage,

the tent, the basement.

Does that count?

Of course it counts.

Okay, still,
that's only five times.

The rain.

Oh, yeah.

But, still...

I never actually
checked it out.

Oh, well, you don't
have to look.

No, I want to.

Well?

It's cute.

It's cute?

Smurfs are cute.

Okay, well, what?

I don't know.
Not "cute."

Magnificent, maybe.

Awesome?

I know
it's a bit overused,

but on this occasion,
awesome wouldn't be bad.

I'd settle for big.

Okay, okay,
let me see it again.

Come on, come on.

Oh, my God!

My God!
It's huge!

It's monstrous!

It's a giant
boa constrictor!

Get that thing
away from me! Get it away!

Put it away
before it kills somebody!

Want to get married?

We don't have to.

I know.

I want to.

Don't you?

What's the matter?

Darcy Elliot,

will you do me the honor

of being
my lawfully wedded wife?

IN THICK ACCENT:
Please give to Darcy the ring.

The ring.

Please to say after me.

I give you this ring as a sign
of our faith, hope, and love.

WHISPERING:
I give you this ring

as a sign of our faith,
hope, and love.

I give you
this ring

as a sign of our faith,
hope, and love.

WHISPERING:
Give me the ring.

Sorry.

May it bind
our hearts and lives.

Excuse me, sir?

May it bind our heart
and lives.

May it bind
our heart and lives.

Oh, that's nice.

Say it.

May it bind

our hearts and lives.

What's the matter?

My ring's bent.

I'm sorry.

I'll get you another one
as soon as I can.

Really?

I promise.

Okay.

Are we married yet?

Excuse me, sir.

Are we married yet?

Married?

Yes, married.

Hey, Slim.

How's the alien?

You scared?

A little.

Are you lying?

A little.

You know, I had this
doll once, a long time ago.

Her name was Wendy Wets
and she peed.

She peed? No.

She did. No, she did.

She had these little diapers
and everything,

and I had this other doll.

Her name was Tiny Tears,
and she cried.

It was real tears.

And then there was
Chatty Cathy,

and you pulled a little string
on her back,

and she started to talk.

But the thing is, is, um,

I never had one
that did everything
all at once.

You know?

I felt it.

It moved.

Inside you.

It's you.

It's you inside me.

Let's see now,
young fellow.

Do you have any shoe store
experience?

Oh, yes, sir.

Uh, five summers
and a lot of weekends.

Oh.

Well, I'm always looking
for experienced help.

What's your angle
on selling shoes?

Treat the lady like a queen.

Don't pull anybody's chain.

Keep the horsing around

where it belongs,
out of the store.

Bobrucz.

Are you Vic Bobrucz's--

Yes, sir.

Well, why do you want
to work for me?

My dad sort of fired me, sir.

You start Friday.

Uh, thanks.

Thanks a lot, Mr. Kolby.

You're welcome.

Hey, Bobrucz.

Your old man is really
going to be pissed. Whoo!

Yeah, I know.

Yeah, I know too.

Look, Darcy, we have always
been straight with each other.

I just think leaving now

and starting
night school's

the best idea for you,
for everyone.

Oh, damn. I got to run.

Well, just wait
a second, okay?

You don't understand.

After I have the baby,
I still want to go to college.

I want to be a journalist.
How can--

Good. Do it all.

Night school's not going
to stop you.

Let's pick this up
in the morning, huh?

Be here at 8:00.

Miss Giles?

Miss Giles,
I don't think

you have any right

advising someone
to quit school.

I think it's unethical
and unconstitutional.

Look, can we do this
tomorrow?

Oh, God forbid the school
should be embarrassed

by letting a pregnant girl
walk around.

I don't give a damn if
the school gets embarrassed.

Look, I could get fired
for this.

The school is not
asking you

to drop out, Darcy.

I am.

You are?

Yes. This
is a small town.

You are editor
of the school paper.

You are popular.

I see girls every day
who want to be like you.

I've seen it happen,
Darcy.

Pregnancy is contagious,
like suicide.

Oh, give me a break.

I'm only having a baby.

How many teenage girls
in this country

do you think get pregnant
every week?

20,000.

Oh, so I'm supposed
to feel guilty?

It's all my fault

if 20,000 girls
go get knocked up?

Nobody's asking you
to save the world, Darcy,

just to do
the responsible thing.

Think about it.

Well, after
she explained it to me,

I thought about it and
I figure it's not going to
be so bad.

They cannot make you quit
school. We could sue them.

They're not making
me do anything.

I don't care. It still sucks.

It was getting weird around
there anyway.

I'm just going
to go to night school.

To night school?
What do you mean,
night school?

Yeah, I'm going to go
to night school,

and I'm going
to get a job too.

Oh, no, my wife is not
going to take a job.

Great, Stan, you sound
just like Fred Flintstone.

Hi. I'm Darcy Elliot.
I mean Bobrucz, Darcy Bobrucz.

I think Miss Giles--

Oh, yes, I was expecting you.

Uh, class,
we have a new student.

Say hello to Darcy.

Hi, Darcy.

Hi, Darcy.

Hi, Darcy.

Another one.

Uh, Darcy,
would you like

to come here
and sit with us?

Hi.

Hi.

How far along
are you?

Hmm?

How far along
are you?

Oh, halfway
through senior year.

No, we mean
the little stranger.

Oh. Six months.

Okay, class,
time's up.

Papers
to the front.

I don't know.

No, I think
I need something bigger.

You know,
size is very important to me.

Come on, Michaela.

So how's married life?

Good. Good.

It-- It's good.

Are you busy later?

My parents
are sort of out of town.

You're not making me
look good,
Michaela.

My boss is watching

and we're closing
in five minutes.

Well...

Maybe next time, Stan.

I'm sorry.

What happened?

She's sort of,
uh, a problem.

Now she's a problem.

A minute ago,
she was a customer.

Oh, lookit.
Your friend's here.

Hey, Darce.

Is that what you're wearing
to the prom?

Oh, my God.

Michaela,
you're really so mean.

I'm just kidding.

Darce?

I'm in the Jacuzzi.

Oh, there's a letter
for you on the table

from Caltech.

"Congratulations.

"You have been awarded
a full scholarship

"in architecture.

"Your scholarship covers

"both tuition
and dormitory costs.

"You will be required
to perform 30 hours a week

"of work-study.

"In response
to your recent inquiry,

Caltech does not provide
freshman married housing."

What'd it say?

What are you doing?

I didn't want
the goddamn thing anyhow.

You mean
you didn't get it?

I didn't want it.

Oh, but still, you would
have felt better

if you had
turned them down, huh?

No, I wouldn't.

You're the world's
worst liar.

I'm sorry.

Darcy.

I want to talk to you
in my office now!

Wilma...
Yoo-hoo, I'm home.

It's me, Fred.
Fred Flintstone.

Your Bedrock lover.

Yabba-dabba-doo.

You don't like it.

Yeah, I like it.

It's...

I'm just not
used to it yet.

I tried on my dress
today,

for the prom.

I look like
a Thanksgiving Day float,

and I also itch
everywhere,

my ankles are fat,

there's something hanging
out of my butt,

the article's not going well,

and now I have to get
a haircut.

There's something hanging
out of your what?

When you're pregnant,

sometimes you get hemorrhoids,
okay?

Bummer.

Oh, I got fired.

You were going
to quit anyway.

You know,

I hate to say this,

but there's something else
wrong.

What?

Your foot.

What?

Yeah, there's some--
there--

It's just missing
something.

What's wrong
with my feet?

For ze prom.

No, Stan,
I can't go to the prom.

They'll have to rent
a bigger gymnasium.

You know, my cherie,
Àif ze shoe fits,

you must
leave everything behind,

move to the castle

avec moi...

and live happily ever after.

It fits.

So what do you think?

I don't know.

I can't see them.

I can.

And?

It's perfect...

just like you.

You got to hurry.
It's fantastic.

You've got to see it.

It's a whole new approach
to safe sex.

I left it in the trunk.
It's a stuffed animal.

It's not a stuffed animal.
You're going to love it.

Hey, Darce. How are you doing?
Hi.

Bobrucz, remember, the tux
turns into a pumpkin at
midnight, huh?

I owe you one, buddy.
All right. Come on.

I can do this, right?
I mean, I can just--

You look beautiful,
and sexy too.

Darcy, your hair
looks great.

Oh, thanks.

You look so French.

Stan, it took me
10 minutes

to get out of the car.

How am I going
to make it on the dance floor?

Simple.
I rented a forklift.

Okay, now, if you two

will just stand
on the white tape.

Good, good.

Okay, kids,
look at the camera.

We want to look
at each other.

I do this a hundred times
a night, honey.

Come on, over here.

Come on,
look at the camera.

Take the picture,
please.

You're looking
pretty foxy

in that tux, boy.

Darcy, hi.

I haven't seen you
in so long.

Oh, my God...

You are huge.

Honey, you are lighter
than air.

Oh, yeah, so's a blimp.

A blimp can't dance.

You know, I think this

is the best senior prom
that we've ever been to.

It's the only senior prom
we've ever been to.

I know.

That's why
it's the best.

I sure hope Junior
has your eyes.

Oh, wait a minute now.

What?

Who says this is going
to be a junior?

All right.

What's the female word
for junior?

Um, well, they say...

It's...

I don't know.

I guess they haven't
invented a word yet.

We should invent one.

No, we got to invent a name.

Oh, you're right.

What were we on
last night?

S's.
S's?

Yeah.

Sara.

Stewart.

Nah.

No?

Stephanie.

S...

Sting.

Oh, yeah.

Sting.
Definitely.

Sting Bobrucz.

Sting Bobrucz,
that's beautiful.

What's happening?

I think the baby wants
to cut in here.

My water broke.

Okay.

We're-- we're fine.

We're going to do it
just like the book said, okay?

We prepared for this.
Nice and easy, right?

Okay.

Okay.

All right?

Okay.

Come on, honey.
Don't stop.

Can I have a pain killer?
Please?

It'll hurt the baby
right now.

You're doing fine.
You're doing fine without it.

But I can't take it!

It's okay.
It'll be over soon.

I can't take it!

Come on, do the
pattern breathing.

NURSE: You're doing great.
You're doing great, Darcy.

That's good.

Do the pattern breathing,
come on.

Screw the pattern breathing!

I want a pain killer!

Come on.

Okay now,
push down.

Push down.
That's it.

A little harder.
Push.

Little harder.

Push against
my fingers, now.

Push against
my fingers.

Real hard, now.
Real hard.

Real hard. That's it.
That's the way...

It's ripping! Ow!
It's burning!

Keep it coming.
Keep it coming.

Keep pushing.

That's it.
That's it.

All right. Good! You got it.
Push harder.

Come on, you can do it.
I can't!

Push, push, push.

Now take a deep breath.
Real quick breath.

That was a good push.
That was great.

Baby's coming out.

Real quick breath.

This is close, guys.
Push.

Real quick breath.
We're getting close.

Push, push, push, push.

Okay, baby's head
is out now.

Don't push.

Take a nice slow breath.

Good, Darcy. Oh, my God!
Look at it!

Just breathe, okay?

It's a girl!

There she is.

Take a look at her.
She looks great!

She's beautiful.
That was terrific.

You're a brave girl.

Perfect.

Stan, would you like
to cut the cord?

Isn't there someone
a little more qualified?

Darcy, would you like
to hold your daughter?

She's nice.

I want my mother.

Stan, would you get
my mother?

Yeah.

DOCTOR: Let me suction her out
a little bit more.

Doctor Dessick,
Doctor David Dessick,
line two.

Down right here,
to the right.

If you could just
speak to her calmly,

with sensitivity,
she--

Mrs. Elliot, I've been
an adoption liaison

for 10 years.

If she decides
to give up her child,

she still has six months
to change her mind.

No, no, she'll be
in Paris by then,

and after that,
college.

Um, excuse me.

I'm Mrs. Elliot,
Darcy's mother.

Elliot?

Bobrucz.
Darcy Bobrucz.

Oh, sure.
Around the corner.

Three-C.
Thank you.

And has Darcy
seen her baby yet?

Has she seen
her baby yet?

Well, I should
say so.

Say hi to Grandma.

Oh, my God.
We lose a lot of them
this way.

Bye-bye.

Hello...

My God...

Dr. Latano,
Dr. Jack Latano to Emergency.

Hi.

Hi.

How's my girl?

I saw her.

She's beautiful.

You cut your hair, huh?

Uh-huh.

Yeah, I like it.

You know,
I don't know why

I didn't think of this
before.

We can all
go to Paris.

Oh, you know,
the Europeans

are so fabulous
with babies.

They take them out
to restaurants

11:00 at night, they give them
wine when they're a day old.

Mom?

We'll stay in
some quaint little hotel,

and we'll order up
room service,

and we'll talk--

Mom.

Just forget the trip,
okay?

Just--
Stan has to work.

No, I'm not talking
about Stan.

Just you and me
and the baby.

It'll be three generations
of Elliots.

Mom, Stan's my husband.

I'm married.
Well, what--

God, why can't you just
be my mother?

Why can't you just crawl
in bed with me right now

and put your arms
around me?

Just what is it
you want?

Just don't be
my friend, okay?

But I am your friend.

No, I don't want that.

I... I can't.

It comes with
all these strings.

When you're a mother,
you just love somebody.

That's it.

Why can't I be
your friend?

Just get out.

Darcy...

Just get out.

Leave me alone.

Okay.

I don't want to be your
friend.

Shh.

Excuse me.

We only had one baby.

Oh, I know.

It does add up.

Here you are.

$750?

Mm-hmm.

We're on a payment plan.

Those are extras.

Extras?

Oh, wait, there's more.

Let me have that back.

You sure you don't
want to hold her?

How could you name a baby
Theadocia?

I mean,
we kicked around names

like Jennifer and Leslie
and Elizabeth.

I named her
after my grandmother, okay?

I know, but Theadocia?

It sounds like
a Greek fishing boat

or a crater on the moon
or something.

We needed a name
for the birth certificate.

I asked you what you wanted.

Look, call her
anything you want.

Mr. Richard Lewis...

Just call her something,
for Christ's sake.

Uh, Mr. Bobrucz?

...To emergency ward.

Sure you don't want to
hold her?

Extra extras.

This is Jeopardy!

Now entering the studio,
today's contestants...

A plumber
from Antlers, Oklahoma,

let's welcome
Johnny Lee Bartlett!

Is she breast feeding?

She doesn't even want
to hold the baby.

The doctor says
it's just a phase.

Her age,
all the changes.

Hey, don't worry.

The natural tendency
to mother will kick in.

I mean, it's a genetic
animal instinct.

Like what?
You mean, like "Wild Kingdom?"

Mm, sort of.

I don't know, man.

Maybe she didn't
get enough oxygen to her brain

during the delivery.

Maybe she wanted
a boy.

Because, you know, in China...

Oh, shh.

They only allow one kid
per family,

so sometimes,
if they have a girl first,

they'll kill it.

Retro!
It's true!

What, do you want me
to lie?

Stan, this is a complex
manifestation of jealousy.

You're paying
too much attention

to the other woman.

I didn't know you could pay
too much attention to a baby.

Oh! Is that my niece?

Say hi
to your Aunt Mary.

Oh. Hi, honey.
How are you?

Oh, let me have
that baby.

Oh, don't be upset.

Look at those teeny-weeny
feet.

Look at those
teeny-weeny feet!

Look at those ears!

Does Dad know
you're here?

Are you kidding?

Where's Darcy?

She's in the bedroom.

Isn't she beautiful?

Oh. Oh...

First clue
in this match

is the most famous son
of the...

Hmm. Postpartum depression.

How did Stan and Darcy
get the name?

What?

Did Stan and Darcy

name the baby
after Grandma?

Yeah. Yeah, I guess so.

How did Grandma
get her name?

Oh, well, from her mother,
of course.

My grandma, Theadocia.

Oh.

Grandma was nice.

I wish
she wasn't in heaven.

Yeah, me too, Mare.

Was your grandmother
nice?

Oh, nice?

Hey, my grandmother
was the best.

Gee, I remember one time,

I was just about
your age...

I broke a window
at school

and my mother
was away somewhere,

I don't know where.

Anyway, the principal
called my grandmother

down to his office.

Did you get
in trouble?

Whoa!

See, that's the thing of it.

The thing was,

not only did my grandmother
pay for the window,

she didn't tell my father.

because if she had
told my father,

I still wouldn't be able
to sit down right,

you know what I mean?

Yeah.

See, that's
the thing of it, Mare.

Grandparents,
they love you so much,

that even when you do
something wrong, you know,

they don't even
see the wrong in it.

Dad.

Yeah?

Are you
a grandparent?

Here, wear this

if you're going to be out
in the sun.

Back with
a third straight week,

our returning champion,
a plumber

from Antlers, Oklahoma,
Johnny Lee Bartlett.

Whoo!

Honey, baby, that stinks.

Whoo!

Oh, oh, my God,

we're talking
Guinness Book here.

Whoo!

We're bronzing this one.

We are going to have
to call the fire department

and hose this girl down.

Oh, you know,
Mommy's not feeling
well today.

You're going to have to tell
her some of our funny stories

and make her laugh, okay?

How did that feel?

Mm... My princess.

Oh...

My little girl is
squeaky-clean.

Mm...

Your daddy loves you so much.

Daddy's going to miss you
tonight.

That's right.

Oh, you smell so good,

I think I'm going to have you
for dinner when I come home,

you know that?

You want to hold her
for a while?

She misses you,
you know.

Hey, little girl,

your daddy loves you
so much.

Here's your blanket.

Take care
of Mr. Blondie for me,

all right?

And don't you pee
on Mr. Pinkie.

She's all clean

and the formula's
in the fridge.

I'm late.

I got to go back for inventory
before Kolby kills me.

Um, I'll-- I'll lock up.

Bye.

Hope you feel better.

"I felt like

"when she was being ripped out
from inside of me,

"everything I loved
about being young

was being ripped out
at the same time."

If I could just learn
to understand her.

Hi. There's a man outside
on my fire escape.

Outside of my window.

I live at 408-and-a-half
North Vicker, second floor.

Darcy Bobrucz.

But can you please hurry?

B-O--

Look, I'm about to be
murdered. Spell it any way
you want.

It's okay, Thea.

Mommy's here.

Nobody's going to hurt
my baby.

Yeah. Nobody'll hurt you.

It's okay.

Please, go away.

I just talked to the cops
and they said

they're going to be here
any second.

Besides, we don't even
have any money.

We just got our second notice
on our electric bill.

So go away. Please.

He's gone now.

That bad old man is gone.

You know, Mommy wouldn't
let him hurt you.

Come on, now, Thea.
Dinner's over.

It's time to go to sleep,
Thea.

Your daddy's going to
come home and he's going to
be so happy.

Yeah, he loves you so much.

Mrs. Bobolitz?

Police.

Okay, just a minute.

It's the police.

Things are going
to be just fine now.

Everything's going to be
all right.

I'm coming.

Yeah, we got the guy
you called about.

Oh, thank you.

There's only one thing,
lady.

He says he knows you.

He knows me?

You want
to press charges,

Mrs. Bobolitz?

Bobrucz.

Uh, no. No, no, thank you.

Would you like
to come in?

Huh? Oh, yeah.

Thank you, officers.
All right.

Thank you,
officers.

I didn't mean
to scare you or anything.

Would you like
to see Thea?

She's in her crib.

Yeah.

I got
some fresh oranges

and fresh apples
and fresh pears.

Thea... Thea.

Fresh lemons.

Hello.

She's beautiful.

Thank you.

Would you like
to hold her?

Yeah.

Here.

Oh, why don't you
put that down first?

Oh.

Say hello
to your grandpa.

I'll tell you one thing.

I don't care if she is a girl.

This kid's going to Caltech.

Um, secretary, secretary,
secretary, medical--

Ooh, this looks good.

"Big bucks.

"Housewives, make extra cash
in your spare time.

Telephone sales."

That means
I could take Thea.

Darce, that's
Thea's thermometer.

Hey, honey. Hi, Lila.

Hi, Bobrucz.

Hey, there's Theezer.

So what do you think
of your old man, anyway?

Next week,
he's a high school graduate,

and right now,

he's late
for his roofing job

and he's got to change.

Wait a minute.

I got night school.

Besides, I thought your
roofing job started next week.

They changed it.
We need the money.

Come on, Darcy,
I can't blow this gig.

Well, I can't blow night
school, then I won't graduate.

This is really
important.

Well, you, what,

you think graduating
isn't important?

Come to Auntie Lila.

I'll read her a bedtime story.
Oh, great.

Oh, thanks.

Listen, there's
two bottles of milk

in the fridge,

and, uh, those are
her diapers right there.

I know.

I love you lots.
Bye, honey.

Okay. Don't worry
about it.

Oh, Thea...

Thea, come on,
sweetie.

"Once upon a time

"in the land
of abnormal psychosis,

there lived
a grand mal seizure..."

This is a real shit job.

The pay's bad, too,

but it's steady work,

and it cleans
all the snot out of your nose.

I've been doing this
for 20 years,

and I still love that smell
of tar on a hot roof.

Ooh-la-la.

Someone's feeling
very sexy.

They cut off
the electricity, Stan.

What do you mean,

they cut off
the electricity?

Didn't you pay the bill?

Of course
I paid the bill,

but the check bounced
because we had to make

a double hospital payment
this month.

And what about these?

You don't
take care of bills

by stuffing them
in a shoe box.

Well, we didn't have
the money to pay them.

What do you expect me
to do?

We're in deep shit, Darcy.
No kidding.

We have to do a little
belt-tightening, that's all.

We're going to have to do
more than that.

Hopefully, I'll have a job
by next week, and maybe

it's just time that we asked
your dad for some money.

What? I do not
take handouts.

Oh, sure,
better let Thea starve

than hurt
your precious pride.

We'll do
less entertaining,

and there's no reason
in God's green earth

that we have to have
chocolate milk

in the fridge at all times
or French goddamn-roast

goddamn coffee
with goddamn cinnamon.

You know, Thea's medication
is costing us a fortune.

Now Dr. Barrick is hounding us
for his bill,

and you know we spend $35
a week on disposable
diapers?

Why in the hell

are you buying
disposable diapers?

What's wrong
with the cloth kind,

like my mom
used on me, huh?

You know, you sounded
exactly like your father

when you just said that.

I don't have
a father.

Stan, this is not
getting us anywhere, okay?

We got to do some planning.

What about college?

How are we going to pay
for college?

College? What are you,
in outer space?

We can't pay
our electric bill!

Forget college, Darcy.

We're not going.

Wait, let's think
about this, okay?

I mean,
what about next year?

Maybe we can save up.

We're going to be here
next year,

and the year
after that.

This is it,
home sweet home.

I'm a roofer.

And you,
if you're lucky,

you'll go
to beauty school.

We really aren't going,
are we?

We're really not
going to go anywhere.

Oh, yeah?

I am.

I'm going out
for a beer.

Oh, well, good.

Well, why don't you
just rob a bank

while you're at it?

You shouldn't
leave your baby alone.

I didn't
leave her alone.

The kid's been crying
all afternoon.

Somebody ought
to turn you in.

You can't leave
a baby alone like that.

I didn't!

That's it.
End of the month, you're out!

Stan, what are you doing?

I fed her.

I changed her. I rocked her.

I tried
everything.

Well, maybe she's sick.
Did you take her temperature?

Oh, my God, she's burning up.

Feel her forehead.

Feel her goddamn forehead!

I'm calling
the doctor.

We don't have a phone!

We don't have a phone because
we couldn't pay the bill!

Dr. Sloan, Dr. Herbert Sloan,
line seven.

Dr. Slatches,
Dr. Harvey Slatches,
maternity.

Dr. Benrob, Dr. Joyce Benrob,
line 27-B.

Mr. Bobrucz,
your baby's fine.

Doctor gave her

a little shot
of penicillin.

You can take her home
in a few hours.

I was just wondering. Who will
be taking care of the bill?

My mother's going to pay
for it.

All right,
I'll make a copy.

Thank you.

Your mother?

Yeah, I just talked
to my mom.

What'd she say?

Here's the thing.

We're going to
move in with her.

I really, really think
that's a bad idea.

Well, I really
don't care

what you think
right now, okay?

Mrs. Bobrucz?

Dr. Orsham, Dr. Ed Orsham,
code nine.

Hello?

Oh, hi.

Oh, yeah? Okay.

Um, hold on for a second.
It's Lila. She says that,

uh, everybody's going
to go to the lake tonight.

She says that she'll come
by and pick us up if we
want her to.

I don't want to go.

Why not?

Come on,
it'll be fun.

We can say goodbye
to everybody

before they go off
to school.

You go.
I don't want to.

No, I guess not.

No, I know,

but we have
a lot of stuff

we need to do
around here.

Yeah.

Okay, well, you have
a good time, okay?

Say goodbye
to everybody for me.

Yeah,
I'm all right.

Call me
when you get back.

Bye.

What's she doing
here?

I thought she was with
her French club buddies.

I don't know.

I thought so too.

Stan, come on,
put your shirt on, okay?

Do me a favor.

Do not start with her
today, okay?

It's hot in here.

Hello, I'm home.

Oh, you're eating, good.

I threw that old stew
in the crock pot this morning.

How'd it turn out, huh?

Magnifique.

Oh, you're so sweet.

It's probably awful, huh?

Hi, baby girl.

Oh, my, are we shy, Stan?

Come on.

We don't have any rules
in this house...

And we drink wine
with our meals.

Cabernet Sauvignon,
of course.

Right, Darcy, huh?

Mm-hmm.

You know, honey,
I've been thinking

about what you said,

and you're right.

There's no reason
why I can't be your mother

and your best friend.

We can talk
about this later, okay?

Yeah, I approach everything
as a learning experience.

We just have to juggle
all of the roles,

don't we, Thea?

Yeah, and as a special treat
tonight,

I'm going to put the baby
in my room

so you can get some rest.

That way,
Thea can sleep with me

just the way Darcy used to,
huh?

You won't have to listen
to that old daddy snore, huh?

Yeah.

I don't want beer
in this house.

The smell reminds me
of your father.

Tell him to use a coaster,
would you, honey, please?

She's driving me crazy.
Shh.

Last week, she told you
you had too much lipstick,

and that
pissed me off.

She's a mother.
They do that.

Oh, yeah?

They put notes
on the toilet

telling you
to put the seat down?

Okay, fine, we'll
move in with your dad.

Oh...
Shh.

Oh, great,
now we can't even talk.

We can talk.

Just don't
make that noise.

It sounds like
we're making love.

Oh, it's so cute
the way you say that--

"making love."

How about making hot,
sweaty, stinky sex?

Oh, Darcy, baby,
do it to me.

Oh, Stan, shut up!

Oh, Darcy! Oh, faster!

Shh!

Faster, faster!

Please, honey,
don't do this to me!

Stan, get down!
I mean it!

Oh, where'd you
learn that?

I cannot
believe you.

Oh, that's great!
That's great!

This is really
disgusting.

Oh, you want more?

Oh, you are something,
Darcy.

Oh! Oh!
Don't do this to me!

Stan, come on!

You love it!
You know you love it!

Oh, Darce,
oh, do it faster!

Stop it right now,
please.

Don't pound so hard.

Oh, yes!

Stan... Come on!

You love it.
You know you love it.

You're going to break
the bed!

Oh, oh, oh...

This is really sleazy.

I can't believe you.

You are something.

Oh, you are
out of control.

Stan, get down!

I am getting down.

Get down right now,
Stan.

This isn't funny.

Excuse me,
you wouldn't happen

to have a cigarette,
would you?

Uh, no, I-- I don't smoke.

Oh, well,
thanks anyway.

Goodnight.

Huh?

Goodnight.

Oh, my God.

She doesn't smoke, she says.

Where are you going?

I'm going to sleep
with my mother.

Good. Good.

I always thought

somebody should be
sleeping with your mother.

Now where are you
going?

The same place
I always go. Out.

Nice.

Nice.

Excuse me, fellow.

The lady wants
to buy you

a box of Pampers.

My treat, Stan.

So everybody's heading out
next week, huh?

Hey, it's okay.

You don't need to keep up
the conversation.

You don't have to talk

or worry about any bills
you have to pay.

* I had it all

Stan, you're a kid.

I think you forgot about that
for a while.

* You were my love

What Darcy did to you
was lame.

Really lame.

* And nobody else

Do you know how long
I've been listening

to my Dad rave on
about Caltech?

Since I was 10 years old.

I even learned
their goddamn fight song.

You'll never know
how I felt

when I was accepted.

How'd she talk you
out of that?

She never even knew
I got in.

But you know what?

When it all came down,

getting married, the baby,
all of it...

* Now my life's...

I found out that...

the feelings I had for Darcy
were stronger than...

I could've had
for just about anything.

You see,
it wasn't lame.

It was... it was love.

I've got to go.

Thanks a lot.

Welcome to the Pork Pit.
May I take your order?

I'll have, uh,
two slabs of baby back ribs

and an order of coleslaw.

Two cages and a side of slaw.

You're a new
little piggly-wiggly,

aren't you?

Now, you sit down and waitc
for your number to be called.

Oh. Okay.

Hi, Darcy.

You know, Stan and I had
a couple of beers

the other night,
but he didn't mention

you were learning a new trade.

Ribs or rinds, Michaela?

Unfortunately,
nothing happened,

but he did mention

how excited he was when he got
accepted to Caltech.

He didn't get in to Caltech.

Do you want to order, or what?

Come on.

Of course he got in,

but he turned it down
because of you.

How could you believe
he didn't get in?

He was an A student.

How can you be so smart
and so dumb?

I wish I had a guy
like Stan who'd blow away

the rest of his life
for me.

Ha. What a waste.

Excuse me?

Is my order ready yet?

Here you go, sir.

Oh, thank you.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, Bobrucz.

That's right.

Oh, so the scholarship's
still good?

He can still go?

Okay, great.

Yeah, you just go ahead
and enroll him.

Yeah, he'll be there.

Okay, thank you very much.

Goodbye.

So that's it?

That's it.

Somebody cancelled.

So are you thinking
of going with him?

Nah, there's no
married housing for
undergrads.

He has to put in
30 hours a week work-study

and with no income
it just would never work.

I guess that's why
he never told me.

So what are you
and Thea going to do?

Oh, we'll be just fine.

Yeah, well,
what about Madison

and journalism
and all that stuff?

Look, I'll worry
about that, okay?

You just worry about making
sure he gets on a plane
by Thursday.

Oh, and make sure that
he gets enough underwear,
okay?

Yeah, but Darce--

Chris, they write bad country
songs about this, okay?

I mean, the wife gets
tied down too young,

he ends up
hating the wife,

hating the kid,
hating everybody,

hating himself.

It's just better
this way, okay?

Thanks a lot.

Bye.

Bye.

I've got to take care
of his underwear.

Hey, honey, I'm sorry

I didn't come home
last night.

You have to go.

I did some thinking.

I got it all
worked out.

Did you hear me?

I said you have to go.

I can't go anywhere.

I just got here.

You have to leave.

Stan, you've got
to move out now.

I'll apologize
to your mother.

No, it's not
about my mother.

It's about us!

I'm not happy.

You're not happy.

You don't come home,

and when you do
come home, you usually--

We'll work it out, Darcy.
There's a lot of stuff now,

and we said that once,
that we could--

I want a divorce.

Come on,
we just got married.

Fine, I'll have it annulled.

It's not a legal marriage
anyway.

Honey, you're tired.

I said, get out!

Darcy,
what is eating you?

Now. Get out!

What are you talking
about?

This is my house.

Just get up,
just walk out the door.

No!

Do you hear me?
This is my house!

Get out of my house!

Darcy, come on!

Don't you think
you'd better leave?

I knew I would've been
a great architect.

You are going to be
a great architect,

but you've got to go
to school first.

Look, Stan, maybe
you should just can

all this family stuff

and get on with what
you're supposed to be doing.

Forget it.

Look, I got
to tell you something.

I called Caltech
and found out

your scholarship
is still good.

You did what?

It turns out
that somebody cancelled

and you can have
their spot.

We've got to be
there Thursday.

You called Caltech?

Yeah, and you can go,
so don't blow it.

Does Darcy know
all this?

How would Darcy know?

Chris?

There's someone here
to see Stan.

Who the hell's that?

I don't know.

Maybe it's Darcy.

Hey, Stan, how much underwear
do you got?

Stanley
Michael Bobrux?

Bobrucz.

I've been authorized
by the state of Wisconsin

to serve you with
these annulment papers.

What the hell
is that, huh?

Hey, I don't want this!

Hey, Stan?

I don't want this!

Take this back!

Yeah, well,
that's great, Bucko.

Only one problem.
We were never married!

Never married?

What do you mean,
you were never married?

I was there.
I saw you.

We weren't 18 yet.

We lied.
You know that.

So?
That's no big deal.

STAN: Darcy!

Darcy, you don't understand!

Oh, my God.

What must
the neighbors think?

I'm trying to tell you
how I feel, okay?

Please, I'm sorry!

I didn't mean to run out
on nobody!

That does it.

I'm calling
the police.

Mom, don't!

Well, he needs to go
for some counseling.

We were married.
We have a baby!

Or did you forget?

I didn't forget,
because I love you!

Goddamn it!

And you love me!

You said you loved me,
and we had a baby!

Goddamn it!

We have a baby.

Thea!

Oh, come on,

give me
one more chance, please!

I'm so fucking sorry.

I'm going to go
talk to him.

You stay right there!

You're finished
talking to him.

Give me one more chance.

I love you. Please!

Goddamn it!

Please open the door!

I'm sorry!

Well, if you're going to
put him in jail,

will you just make sure
to tell 'em

that he has to be out
by Thursday

because he has to be in school
in California, okay?

Oh.

Okay.

Sure,
that's no problem.

Okay, Boobcress.

On your feet.

You're getting out.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Thanks for coming down.

Forget it.
Let's go home.

Come in.

Oh, hey, you busy?

I'll come back.

No, it's all right.

Oh.

So what are you going
to do about Caltech?

I've got to decide
by Thursday.

Maybe I should go,
huh?

The chance
of a lifetime.

Still haven't heard
from Darcy?

You love her a lot,
don't you?

Oh, God, Dad, she's...

Whenever I try to see

the rest of my life
without her,

I can't even breathe.

Well...

Then you're going to
have to go for it,

otherwise you'll live
with regret.

I remember one time,

I was crazy in love with this
girl. She was so beautiful.

I couldn't stop
thinking about her,

not even
for one minute.

Drove me nuts.

So what'd you do?

I married her,
had three kids.

I love you, Dad.

How'd I get
such a skinny kid?

Rae Warland?

Thank you.

Congratulations.

Ron Califarro?

Darcy Elliot Bobrucz?

Congratulations,
Darcy.

Paul Eshaw?

Congratulations.

Ruth Leigo?

Muriel Gusman?

Lou Comacho?

Congratulations,
Lou.

And to Darcy Elliot
Bobrucz,

who did
the right thing.

Yes, dear,
who saw the mountain--

And almost fell right off it.

Be careful.

Oh, we're so proud
of Mommy, aren't we?

Now my baby's
a big girl, huh?

And you're free
to make

all your own choices
now.

Darcy!

Darcy!

Excuse me,
young man.

May I help you?

Yeah, I'm Darcy's husband.

I don't
want a scene now.

Come on. Good night.

Good night.

Darcy, please?

Darcy,
will you please wait?

Stan.

Come on,
sit in the front.

Darcy, wait up!

I got
to talk to you!

Wait!

Wait, please.

Hands off the car.

Come on, Mrs. Elliot,
give me a break.

Look, Stan,
you're a good kid.

You tried your best,

but if you love Darcy,
give her a chance.

I can help her
make something of herself.

She was doing fine
by herself, Mrs. Elliot.

That really makes you
nervous, doesn't it?

Stan, stop it, okay?

We gave it our best shot.

We just couldn't cut it,
that's all!

Hey, I love you.

I'll never stop
loving you.

Thea, tell her.

Here,
these are for you.

There's something inside.

This is for Thea.

Congratulations.

I'm sorry I was late.
I went to Madison today.

I put in for scholarships

for the both of us.

Journalism
and architecture.

I gave Ronald
your baby article.

You did what?

He loved it.
He wrote you a letter.

He wants to publish it
in the paper.

Here's some stuff
on married housing

and childcare co-ops.

You see,
she's not crying.

She likes
the sound of it.

Stan, please go
to California, okay?

They're holding
your place.

Don't blow it
this time!

Holding my place?

How did you know?

That's why
you kicked me out!

That's why you kicked me out!

You still love me,
don't you, Darcy?

Darcy, you still
love me!

Darcy!

Believe me, honey,

it is just as well
that he left now,

because he would have left
someday anyway.

Do you remember
when Daddy left, huh?

I'm just trying
to tell you, honey, that...

That sooner or later...

Everybody leaves.

That's just
what love's all about.

Oh, but that's not it, Mom.

That's not
what love's all about.

Love is about sticking around.

Did you know that Stan did
get into Caltech?

Did you know that?

But he didn't go
because he loves me

and he cares and me
and he cares about Thea.

Stan doesn't just disappear
when something bad happens...

Like I do.

Look, Mom,
you have a choice to make.

Either you love all of us
or none of us.

You better take this.
It's going to get
chilly later.

Thanks.

Stan!

Stan?

Stan!

Stan!

Where's Darcy?

Could you give me a hint?

She went looking for you
back at the school.

Thanks.

Well, I guess we really
blew it this time,
didn't we, Thea?

Come on, let's get you home.

Darcy!

Stan?

Darcy!
Oh, Stan...

I'm so sorry.
I never meant--

Darce, that doesn't
mean anything.

Forget Caltech.

That's all you ever
talked about.

That's all
you ever wanted.

I want you.
I want Thea.

Okay,
what about my mother?

It's okay,
we talked.

Okay, what about, I mean--

Did you look inside the
flowers?

This one doesn't bend.

It's beautiful.

See, I was, um...

I was hoping
maybe you'd want to marry me.

I guess you got
yourself a wife.

Oh, God.

We'd better
get Thea home.

It's way past her bedtime.

You know,
when this kid's

a teenager,
she's going to have a curfew.

Definitely.

10:00.

Maybe 11:00,

if they're really
in love.

If they're really
in love, 8:00.

I love you, Darcy.

I love you, Stan.

* The night we met
I knew I *

* I needed you so

* And if I had the chance

* I'd never let you go

* So won't you say
You love me *

* I'll make you
So proud of me *

* We'll make them
Turn their heads *

* Every place we go

* Come on and be my
Be my baby *

* Be my little baby

* My one and only baby

* Say you'll be my darling

* Be my
Be my baby *

* Be my baby now

* Oh, yeah

* I'll make you happy, baby

* Just wait and see

* For every kiss you give me

* I'll give you three

* 'Cause from the day
I saw you *

*I have been waiting for you

* You know I will adore you

* Till eternity

* Come on and be my
Be my baby *

* Be my little baby

* My one and only baby

* Say you'll be my darling

* Be my
Be my baby *

* Be my baby now

* Oh, everybody

* Be my,
Be my baby *

* My one and only baby

* Oh, oh

* Be my
Be my baby *

* Be my baby now

* Oh, yeah

* Be my
Be my baby *

* My one and only baby

* Oh...