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MALE CHORUS: (SINGING) I love Paris in the springtime

I love Paris in the fall

FEMALE CHORUS: I love Paris in the winter

When it drizzles

COMBINED CHORUS: I love Paris in the summer

When it sizzles

I love Paris every moment

Every moment of the year

I love Paris

Why, oh, why do I love Paris

Because my love

Is here

BOTH: (SINGING) Montmartre, Montmartre

WOMEN: Where the throngs and the songs continue

Montmartre, Montmartre

Where "paree" on a spree gets in you

Montmartre, Montmartre

Where the quail never fail to win you

- Where they say oop-la - Where are you going, papa

Montmartre, Montmartre

- You'll never make it. - (BELL DINGING)

Montmartre, Montmartre

Where the quail never fail to win you

Where we say oop-la

Where are you goin', maman

Montmartre, Montmartre

Montmartre

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(MURMURS) Merci.

- (ORCHESTRA PLAYING) - Cordon Rouge, 1890, messieurs.

Mm. Sounds potable. Thank you, Andre.

- Yes. An excellent year. - (POPS)

1890. Let me see.

There was, uh, Rachelle and Marie.

And Rachelle again. It was a beautiful year.

For me, 1882 was more memorable.

- Tsk, tsk, tsk. That long ago? - Oh.

No, no. No, you don't. Other people might buy that wistful,

retired-from-life act that you put on, but not me.

I happen to know about a certain lady on the Rue Avignon.

Well, one tries to stay amused.

- And one succeeds, no? - Oh.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(SINGING) We are maidens typical of France

In a convent educated

From the wicked clutches of romance

We have all been segregated

We're all very pure We wash our dainties white

We all try to do exactly what is right

We all go to church We all say our prayers

And if, when we dance We show our derrieres

It proves that even when we dance

We are maidens

Typical of France

(ORCHESTRA CONTINUES)

(SONG ENDS)

- Don't point. It's rude. - (LAUGHS)

Charming. That is Simone?

No, no. That is Claudine.

I'm saving her for a rainy day.

But she is not Simone.

This Simone,

has she anything to do with the surprise you promised me?

- Mm. She certainly has. - Good. I love surprises.

So does Simone.

In fact, she'd hardly speak to me if I show up without one.

Andre.

Simone. I'd know your perfume anywhere.

François! Diamonds!

- Well, some of them. - Oh! Beautiful!

You think she'll like it? She's very particular, that Fifi.

Fifi? Fifi! Who Fifi?

(CLICKS TONGUE) You always tease. Put it on.

Go on! Hurry. Put it on.

- Then introduce me to your friend. - No, no, no, no, no.

Take your time, François. I'm in no hurry.

Alley-oop.

Ah! Oh, François!

- You'll never know how grateful I am. - Yes, I will.

Mm! Jewelry on my garter.

Makes me feel, oh, irresistible.

(CHUCKLING) Oh, mademoiselle,

resistance to you is unthinkable.

And un-French.

It's a shame, though, no one will see it.

I wish I could believe that.

This is Monsieur Barriere. This is Mademoiselle Simone.

- Delighted, mademoiselle. - Monsieur Barriere.

I've heard so much about you.

- Lies. All lies. - No, no. Nice things from François.

Oh, but François is a gentleman.

You know what I'm doing? I'm sitting on diamonds. (GIGGLES)

Imagine me sitting on diamonds. It's quite a sensation.

- Simone. - Oh. This is bad?

No, but it's not exactly the sort of thing done in royal circles.

Say, uh, what's holding up the... You know?

The Can-Can. The Can-Can. It'll be there in a minute.

- The Can-Can? - That was the surprise.

- She spoiled it. - Now, now, now. Wait a minute.

The Can-Can is against the law.

You know that, François.

You mean you don't want to see it?

Of course I do. Who doesn't?

But a man in my position,

if it becomes known that I watched the Can-Can...

What does the law call it?

"Lewd and lascivious performance."

What could I say? How could I defend myself?

But you needn't worry, monsieur. No one will ever know.

- But suppose the police arrive? - The police will not arrive.

Do you think I would have you caught in a raid?

François has taken care of the police, monsieur.

Believe me, I cannot afford to have this place of mine closed.

- You are sure? - I am 2,000 francs' worth sure.

Well, I... I cannot approve officially.

But, uh... (CHUCKLES)

- What are we waiting for? - Good.

- (MUSIC PLAYING) - (CROWD SHOUTING)

(DANCERS SHRIEKING)

(SHRIEKING)

(WHISTLES BLOWING)

- (MUSIC STOPS) - (CROWD SHOUTING)

(DANCERS SHOUTING)

See? I told you. They never arrest the waiters.

François, this could have been very bad.

I don't understand it. Ow!

- Simone! - I'll bite you again and again!

- You told me everything was arranged! - It was arranged.

Then someone must have rearranged it.

The police correctional court is now in session.

It will be noted for the record

that today Judge Merceaux and myself will be joined by a colleague

transferred to this court from the 14th arrondissement.

I am most pleased

to welcome Judge Forrestier to our judicial family.

Thank you, Your Honor. It is a privilege

to become a member of such a distinguished family.

(SPECTATORS MURMUR)

First case. Bring in the accused.

(SHOUTING, ARGUING)

Get her in here. Come on. Get in.

- (GAVEL RAPPING) - (SHOUTING, ARGUING CONTINUE)

Order!

The accused will remember where they are.

- Who could forget? - (LAUGHING)

Where is the attorney for the defense?

I'm coming, Your Honor.

You are late.

I am sorry, Monsieur le President.

I spent the night in consultation with a client.

Let... Let us proceed with the charges.

"The prisoners are charged

"with violation of the public morals law of 1790

"in that they did willfully perform a lewd and lascivious dance

"calculated to inflame the minds, souls

"and moral fibers of the spectators."

- We did? - (ALL LAUGHING)

- (GAVEL RAPPING) - (CLEARS THROAT)

May I ask, who filed this complaint?

We did, Monsieur le President.

We represent the League Against Filthy Dancing.

Are you aware that all complaints

must be signed by an official of the court?

It was signed, Monsieur le President.

It was? By whom?

- By me, Your Honor. - By you?

Why, yes. It was a complaint brought by a responsible citizen.

Oh.

And this is the complaint that you signed?

Yes, it is.

Well, then, since the complaint is in order,

we'll proceed with the trial.

- (SPECTATORS MURMUR) - Where is the prosecuting attorney?

He is ill, Your Honor, confined to his home.

Uh, that's true, Your Honor. I saw him an hour ago. He's gravely ill.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry to hear it.

Are there any witnesses?

- No, Your Honor. - Uh, Your Honor,

in view of the fact that the prosecutor is absent

and there are no eyewitnesses to the said dance, I propose a dismissal.

One moment, Your Honor, please.

Where are the officers who made this arrest?

Summon the arresting officers.

There are only two of them present, Your Honor.

Where are the others?

Your Honor, this is not a very important case,

so we didn't think that...

Since when does the police department decide which cases are important?

Well...

When you made the arrest, did you see any of the dancing?

No, monsieur. I... I was outside guarding the exit.

- And you? Where you inside? - Oui, monsieur.

- Oh, then you saw the dancing. - I object.

With all due respect to his honor, he is presupposing a fact.

- Objection sustained. - I shall rephrase the question.

- Did you see the dancing? - No, monsieur.

Why not? You admit you were there.

But I have trouble with my eyes.

I suffer with an ailment.

- It is called... - Uh, perjury maybe?

Just a moment.

I object to that as being an unjust and irresponsible accusation.

Your Honor, I know this good man,

and I also happen to know

that he suffers from a severe case of astigmatism.

- Yes, yes. "Astigatism." - (GAVEL RAPS)

- (LAUGHING) - BARRIERE: Sustained.

When you made the arrests,

surely you took down testimony from witnesses.

Your Honor, did you ever try to take down testimony

while arresting a Can-Can dancer?

Now really.

I suppose you also failed to collect any witnesses' names.

Yes, Your Honor, because, in the struggle, I lost my pencil.

This is astounding.

Obviously, not one of you is performing his duties properly,

or you'd offer some kind of evidence for a conviction.

Your...

Since it is the learned magistrate's opinion

that there is no evidence for a conviction,

I move that the case be dismissed.

- Any objection? - No objection.

Judge Forrestier?

Well, Your Honor, under the circumstances...

- Case dismissed. Recess. - (CHEERING)

(DANCERS CHATTERING)

FRANÇOIS: All right, girls. Come on. Come on.

- (CHATTERING CONTINUES) - WOMAN: You were wonderful.

MAN: Very good. Very good.

Mademoiselle, perhaps a little closer to, uh...

- Oh, but by all means, monsieur. - Oh, no, no. No, no, no.

We were asked to do this for the newspapers, not for postcards.

Hold it.

- (FLASH POWDER EXPLODES) - Where'd everybody go?

Oh, no, no, no. You wiggled, all of you.

You will have to hold still.

Ah. Judge Forrestier, hello.

Well, well. My friend the defense lawyer. What a pleasant surprise.

A lucky meeting. I was planning to visit you in your chambers.

- A business matter? - No.

I thought I should get acquainted with the new judge.

I'm the friendly type.

And you like to have friends at court, so to speak.

Well, of course, you know. It's a little early for drinking,

but my clients and I were having a little victory celebration.

- Won't you join us? - I'd rather not if you don't mind.

- Ah, but they're such lovely clients. - Yes. Yes, they are indeed.

And they really don't hold what happened this morning against you.

They're very fond of you. They like you very much.

- Don't you, ladies? - Certainly.

- Not me! - You see? They love you.

We may never get along, you and I,

but we certainly won't if you take me for a fool.

Hmm. I take people as I find them.

Yes, yes. I know you do. I've met your type.

Nothing in life matters but having a good time. I know you very well.

My dear judge, when I think of the things you're missing.

- The wonderful... - Oh, yes, yes. Wonderful, wonderful.

- Wine from a lady's slipper. - Mm.

- Dawn in a strange bed. - Ah.

Intoxicating intrigue, romance.

Romance in gay Paris.

Spare me the rest of the clichés, will you?

I never thought I'd hear a Frenchman say

that things are more important than romance.

Well, unfortunately, some things are more important.

But how can you possibly ignore love

when so many of your countrymen have died for it?

Ah, as you know, dueling is against the law.

That's true, but...

(SINGING) The law must be tempered with reason

Not to love

Should be considered treason

Nonsense

When love comes in

And takes you for a spin

Ooh, la, la, la

C'est magnifi-que

When every night

Your loved one holds you tight

Ooh, la, la, la

C'est magnifi-que

But when, one day

Your loved one drifts away

Ooh, la, la, la

It is so tragi-que

But when once more

She whispers je t'adore

C'est magnifi-que

But when, one day

Your loved one drifts away

Ooh, la, la, la

It is so tragi-que

But when once more

She whispers

Je t'adore

Formid...

Je t'aime

Sensatio...

Mon amour

Ring-a-ding-ding-ding

C'est magnifi-que

- (FLASH POWDER POPS) - (YELPS)

Ah! That was a good one.

Very, uh... Very instructive.

Ah! Ladies, you are now immortal. We must go now. Come, come.

- Your Honor, I bid you good afternoon. - Good afternoon.

Oh, I have one question.

If you really plan on being a monk, why don't you shave your head?

And if you want to be what you want to be,

why bother to be a lawyer?

Has anyone ever told you that a judge needn't be a judge 24 hours a day?

Good afternoon, monsieur.

Good afternoon, Jacques. Keep your lens clean.

Come, ladies.

- Good evening, Your Honor. - Good evening. Is the wagon here?

- Yes, monsieur, back out of the way. - Fine.

Now, we will enter separately. You will sit with him.

When you see me remove this flower from my lapel

and drop it to the floor,

- take the picture, all right? - Yes, sir.

As soon as the flash goes off,

that will be your signal to start the raid.

- Understood? - Understood, sir.

- We'll be ready, sir. - Very good.

- (ACCORDION PLAYING) - Table six... Never saw him before.

Could be a detective.

Shall I throw him out?

No. He might be a real customer.

- You stay close. I go see. - Mm-hmm.

- Good evening. - Hello.

- You'd like to buy me a drink? - By all means.

- My name is Simone. - Mine is Marcel. Marcel Eonnet.

You've not been here before. No?

My regret. What will you have?

- Champagne? - Perrier Jouet, 1887.

Yes, monsieur.

(CHUCKLES) You must be very rich. No?

Chateaubriand said,

"The state rests upon the acquiescence of the poor."

That settles that. You're certainly no detective, are you?

Were you expecting one?

Well, when one runs an establishment such as this, one has to be very careful.

- I can imagine. - What do you mean?

Only that detectives are like everyone else,

always trying to take advantage of a poor, vulnerable girl.

It's the truth, isn't it? You have no idea what I go through here.

- Smoke? - No. No, thank you.

- You mind if I do? - No.

- Does it shock you? - Not at all.

But, uh, isn't it bad for the lungs?

What do you think?

In my profession, I never give an opinion

without examining the evidence.

- What is your profession? - Wine tasting.

- Bordeaux? - No. Limoges.

- Limoges? - Now don't make a face.

Everyone can't be born in Paris.

(LAUGHING) I like you.

You couldn't very well afford not to like your customers.

No, that's true. I'm a businesswoman, but not at this moment.

Oh, then maybe you'd do me a favor.

- I just became a businesswoman again. - This is a business favor.

I was told I might see the Can-Can here, the real Can-Can.

Is that true?

If not, I'll try somewhere else.

You see, I have only this one night in Paris.

- You'll see it. - Oh, I don't believe you.

You don't believe me? Why not you don't believe me?

You couldn't get away with it.

This place doesn't make enough money to bribe all the policemen in Paris.

(LAUGHING) Foolish man. Foolish man. It doesn't take money.

- Really? - No, of course not.

The district chief is mad for Helene.

She's one of my girls.

You want the brigadier? You'll find him around Genevieve's little finger.

True, sometimes we must pay money.

But more often than not, a kiss, a little wine.

- It's that simple? - Simple?

It takes much organization to find out who wants which from whom and who wants who.

Then as soon as I get my list completed,

some stinker goes and switches the whole brigade to another precinct.

Uh, I'm from Limoges.

(CHUCKLES) So?

A list of what it takes to bribe every gendarme in the district.

(SCOFFS) No one could have such a list.

I'm from Limoges, but that doesn't make me a tourist.

(LAUGHS) You sound like you'd like to make a little wager.

A thousand francs.

A thousand francs?

It's perfectly all right. I'll take you up...

- Yes? - Certainly?

What...

- (ORCHESTRA PLAYS) - (SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS)

(GROANS)

(SCREAMS)

(CHEERING, WHISTLING)

Do you do this every night?

No. No, no, no. We're closed on Sunday.

But what are you doing in Montmartre?

You're good enough for Les Ambassadeurs or Maxim's.

- You've been to those places? - No. No, of course not.

- About these thousand francs now. - Hmm? Yes?

You still wanna make a little bet?

Show me the list, and it's yours.

For a thousand francs, I'd show you anything.

Well, almost anything. Come with me.

I'll get it. This way.

- The judge. - It is.

Come in. This is my boudoir.

It's also my office. I do most of my work here.

No one knows how to open this safe but me.

And I hate to open it so much, I always forget the combination.

Why don't you write it down on a piece of paper?

Oh, I tried that once. But where would I hide it?

I put it in between, uh, down here,

but somehow it got into unfriendly hands.

Well, then, uh, put it under your mattress.

It ought to be safe there.

(LAUGHS) I knew I liked you.

- Mademoiselle Simone. - Yes, Andre?

Pardon me, monsieur. I must speak to you immediately.

- One moment. - No. Immediately.

I said one moment. I'm about to win a thousand francs.

- Mademoiselle. - There. That's got it.

What are you doing?

I'm sorry, mademoiselle, but you must come with me right now.

- Andre, are you crazy? - It is of vital importance.

- What'd you do that for? - There is no time,

and you don't want to leave it open, I'm sure.

All right, if it's that important.

Pardon me one moment.

- Simone. Simone. - Claudine.

- What is it? - Do you know who you've got in there?

Why, certainly. A gentleman from Limoges.

- He made me a little wager. - But no!

That's Judge Forrestier, the man who signed the complaint against us.

(LAUGHS) Oh, that's ridiculous. It can't be.

- But it is. - Oh.

There is no doubt.

What's he been saying to you?

He just made me a little wager that I didn't have a list of the gendarmes...

Oh.

Oh, he's a clever one.

Uh, Andre, you'd better tell them to hold the Can-Can.

- Mm-hmm. - What are you going to do?

Work on him. Work on him. What else?

I hope it wasn't bad news.

No, not really.

- I should have expected it. - Can I help in any way?

Oh, no. Thank you. Thank you. It's too late now.

- Thank you just the same. - But you don't want to settle the bet?

I'd like to see that mythical list of yours.

Let's forget about the list tonight.

Besides, the news I just heard

has driven the combination right out of my head.

It must have been very distracting news.

That's putting it mildly.

What are you staring at?

Why don't you sit down and have a drink?

There's not much point in my staying any longer, is there?

(LAUGHING) Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Do you mean to say all you care about is my list?

That's not very flattering.

With a face like that, you shouldn't.

- What's the matter with my face? - It's a mirror.

It betrays every thought that goes on behind it.

Oh, I was just thinking I should get out of these silly clothes.

Will you wait?

Are you sure you want me to?

Oh, but of course.

We're just beginning to know each other.

It's drafty in here.

Do you think you'd be able to close my window?

- Certainly. - Good.

(RATTLING)

You know, it's funny.

I've never met a man who could close that window.

I don't know why it seems so important to me.

I even dream about it sometimes.

Why don't you get a carpenter?

I don't think I'd be happy with a carpenter.

Simone. Oh, excuse me.

It's all right. She's in there.

Who was that?

Uh, I think, uh, a musician. I don't know.

It doesn't matter. How are you doing with that window?

- You still need a carpenter. - I thought so.

- You like it? - Very becoming.

- You do up my back? - Certainly.

Something bothering you?

No. Why, are my hands cold?

A little.

Well, I'm sorry if they feel unpleasant.

I didn't say that.

Simone, you know who I am,

and I know that you know.

Now, you're a nice, hardworking girl with a bright head.

Why do you insist on fighting the authorities?

You're not equipped to fight them. Not at all.

You almost let a total stranger trick you

into giving up a vital piece of evidence.

Now, a girl that naive doesn't have a chance against the police.

I don't care. I think it's a stupid law.

I don't understand what harm a simple little folk dance can do.

- Folk dance? - Yes.

It can close your café and put you in jail.

Only because of people like you.

Why do you come in here and sneak around like some detective?

It's not your business.

Bribed policemen are very much my business.

Well, then go arrest them and leave me alone.

Simone. Simone, you're silly.

The people like the Can-Can.

They come here and they expect to see it, so I give it to them.

- What are you doing? - Feeling sorry for you.

Forgive me. I... I don't know why I did that.

You couldn't help it, could you?

(SINGING) When love comes in

And takes you for a spin

Ooh, la, la, la

C'est magnifi-que

No, no. Please, not again.

When every night

Your loved one holds you tight

Ooh, la, la, la

C'est magnifi-que

Why must I be bombarded by this song?

But when, one day

Your loved one drifts away

Ooh, la, la, la

- C'est magnifique? - No.

It is so tragi-que

But when once more

You whisper je t'adore

C'est magnifi...

Do you still want to arrest me?

I never did, and now less than ever.

What would you like to do with me?

I haven't decided.

I think you have.

Perhaps you're right.

Oh, if only I could trust you.

Trust me how?

Not to hurt me.

As long as I have a choice,

- I would never hurt you. - (BEADS RATTLING)

- Mademoiselle. - Yes, Andre?

May I see you for a moment?

(CHUCKLES) Oh, I'm a businesswoman again.

You wait for me downstairs? I'll join you there in one minute.

Please do. We have a great deal to talk about.

I'll hang on every word.

- Why, a little... - My first judge.

The girls are all ready. Shall I cancel the dance?

No, of course not.

From now on, we have nothing to worry about.

Good, good.

Arturo's waiting for instructions.

(ORCHESTRA PLAYING)

(DANCERS SHRIEKING)

- (WHISTLES BLOWING) - (SHOUTING, SCREAMING)

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

(KEYS JANGLING)

- Thank you, jailer. - Certainly.

(CLICKING TONGUE)

You look like a broken umbrella.

Oh, come, come. I'm your lawyer.

You can talk to me.

- Where have you been? - Now, now, my dear. I brought bail.

- I'll have you out of here in 10 minutes. - Twelve hours!

Twelve hours you let me sit here.

Where were you at 4:00 this morning?

I sent a messenger to your apartment.

Well, I was there all the time. I didn't hear a thing.

Now, you know I'm a very sound sleeper.

You were with some silly little model.

You know, you are a lousy lawyer and an unreliable lover.

I am not a lousy lawyer,

but I do have an idiot for a client.

Putting on a... An illegal performance before a police court judge

who's sitting there roosting right at a ringside table.

And you knew he was a judge because Claudine told you he was.

Well, he lied to me.

So what? So you've known liars before.

What made you so gullible all of a sudden,

his big, brown eyes?

Well, I...

I believed him because I thought he liked me.

Oh, you did?

So that's what's been goin' on behind my back.

Oh, it was business. I hate him!

- It was business. - Shrewd business.

May cost you 10,000 francs,

plus losing your license for about two weeks.

Ten thousand?

That's pretty expensive goo-goo eyes you've been rolling.

Ah, you're letting her out?

Judge Forrestier wants her brought to his chambers.

Well, who cares what Judge Forrestier wants?

Shh, shh, shh.

- Now you get outta here and go... - Shh!

Uh, you're sure that the good judge asked for her personally?

Yes, like I told you. Come along, mademoiselle.

- Let go of me! Get out of here! - Shut up. Shut up. Simone!

I need a little more time with my client for consultation.

- I'll call you in a second. - As you say.

I smell an opening.

I think that fish-eyed law book is worried about something.

Now, if you be honest with me,

I'll show you how we can save 10,000 francs.

- I'm always honest with you, François. - Fine.

Now, I want every possible detail,

whatever happened last night.

Did he... Did he kiss you?

François. Oh, how can you say that?

- Do you wanna save 10,000? - Yes, he kissed me.

- Where did he kiss you? - On the lips.

- No, no. I mean, in the boudoir... - François!

Simone, I'm your lawyer. You can say anything you want to me.

- That's a privileged communication. - What's that?

That means that nobody in the world will ever know what you said

except you and your lawyer.

Not even me... Well, personally, that is.

Look, I swear I'll never throw it up to you, whatever happened.

It wasn't that terrible.

All right. Now, I want to know every factor on how he behaved.

Now I'll be him. What happened?

(SIGHS) You sit here.

- There? - Yes.

- Mm-hmm. - (CLEARS THROAT)

I, uh...

I was sitting on... On his lap.

Oh, fine.

And that's where the kiss happened.

Well, come on. Show me.

No, no, no, no. Exactly...

The full time of the kiss.

Hold it. Hold it. Where were his hands?

I don't think he had his hands on me.

I can believe that.

I'll bet you that ball of fire had his hands in his pockets.

Now, you were seated on his lap like this,

and the kiss lasted for about five seconds.

- Right? - That's right. I'm sorry.

If I only had a reliable witness.

A witness? Uh, Andre came in. He saw us.

- Are you sure? - Yes. He spoke to us.

You just saved yourself 10,000 francs.

- Jailer. - Yes.

What are you going to do?

You get yourself fixed up best you can.

I'll be right back. Don't go away.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Yes?

- Oh, come in. Good morning. - Good morning.

- Can you spare me a moment? - Certainly.

Thank you.

What can I do for you, sir?

First, not be so formal.

Drop the "sir"?

- Please. - Good.

- Cigarette? - No, thanks.

Yes?

(SIGHS) There was a...

An interesting item in the paper this morning.

- About the Bal du Paradis? - Uh-huh.

- Apparently, it has been raided again. - Apparently.

I knew... I knew this was going to be difficult.

Then let me say it for you. You want me to be lenient.

My friend, the best judge

is the one who judges as little as possible.

I agree.

Don't you ever drink a little too much wine

and chase after young ladies who are known to run slowly?

Look, I may not go, uh, dancing up and down the Champs-Élysées,

but, privately, I have as much fun as any Frenchman in Paris.

- Privately? - Yes.

I don't see the need to prove to the whole world

that I'm having a good time.

- And I do. - Oh, no, that's not for me to judge.

It's... It's a matter of taste.

Oh, I see.

Now you're a judge of taste.

(LAUGHING)

- You make me feel ancient. - Really?

Seems so long ago that I felt I had to teach everyone how to live.

But doesn't someone have to teach them?

No, Your Honor.

(SINGING) You just have to let them

Live and let live

Be and let be

Hear and let hear

See and let see

Sing and let sing

Dance and let dance

- I like Offenbach - I do not

So what, so what, so what

Write and let write

Read and let read

Love and let love

Breathe and let breathe

Live and let live

And remember this line

Your business is your business

And my business is mine

Sometimes I think all conversations ought to be sung.

It's so hard to quarrel with a melody.

If you listen carefully,

you'll find it just as hard to quarrel with the words.

- Live and let live - Live and let live

- Do and let do - Do and let do

Hear and let hear

- All right, but sue and let sue - What for

- Drink and let drink - If you can hold it

- Play and let play - Within limits

- But I think you overdo it - I do not

So what, so what, so what

Pray and let pray

Sure, but slip and let slip

- Dress and let dress - That's fine

But strip and let strip

- Live and let live - Live and let live

BOTH: And remember this line

- Your business - Is my business

- And your business - Is mine

Your business is your business

And my business is mine

(LAUGHS) Paul, you are right.

As a matter of fact... I should have told you this earlier.

But Durnais' client doesn't need any leniency.

- I decided, early this morning, that... - (KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Pardon me. Come in.

You sent for me. You marvelous man.

- Oh. - Simone, may I introduce...

Good morning, Monsieur Barriere.

(STAMMERING) How do you do, Simone?

- You two know each other? - Uh... (EXHALES)

You two know each other?

Oh, we certainly do.

This is the nicest thing that's ever happened to me.

- Uh... - Now be still.

Just for one minute. You be still.

(FLASH POWDER POPS)

- Excellent. - Oh. I see.

- Did you get it? - Perfect.

Good.

Ah, my dear Paul.

It would seem your friend the crusader is in a little bit of a jam.

François. These are magistrates' chambers.

- You're acting in contempt. - Call it disgust.

- François. - Oh, no, no, Paul.

- I know what I'm doing. Believe me. - I doubt it.

That picture you've got here, for instance.

You will not be permitted to leave the building with it.

No?

- No. - Well, if I cannot get it out,

apparently it will do me no good, will it?

(CLEARS THROAT) Emil!

Someone caught it. I don't know who it is, of course.

Does this man really want to be disbarred?

He has me worried.

Why do you imagine you can behave like this to a magistrate?

Ah, but he's not a magistrate now.

- He's a defendant. - A defendant. Am I?

What an inventive fellow he is.

- May I know the charge? - The charge.

Oh, I don't know. Invasion of privacy. Breach of promise.

Some charge like that, anything that'll give us a chance

to tell our story to the newspapers.

I'm sure they'll find it very interesting to publish.

They certainly will.

And they can illustrate it

with that picture I couldn't get out of the building.

François, you'd better have a good excuse for your conduct.

- What's the story? - Yes. I'm curious, too.

Hmm. Well, Mademoiselle Pistache,

why don't you give the gentleman a general idea of what happened?

Yes.

He offered me 1,000 francs to take him to my boudoir

and show him something he had absolutely no business seeing.

Oh! Then he forced his attentions on me.

I fought and struggled and pleaded,

oh, but to absolutely no avail.

He had the strength of a thousand devils.

A compliment at last.

Then it was quite clear that if I didn't submit to his evil desires,

he'd use his power to persecute me.

Oh! Well, what could I do?

(MURMURS) Submit, by all means.

Submit? Submit?

Oh! Never! Never in a thousand years while I have a breath of...

- (SOBBING) - Simone. Simone, Simone.

Just the general idea.

- We'll write the story later. - Yes.

So, I... Well, I...

I refused, and I went to jail.

What happened to the strength of a thousand devils?

- Did I weaken? - My virtue robbed you of your strength.

We must remember that line. It's a good story, isn't it, Paul?

It's simple, classical, vivid.

- The public will eat it up. - Probably. Probably.

It's certain to embarrass me at the very least.

And what do you plan to do about it?

To Simone, nothing. She's a nice girl.

She isn't capable of inventing all that dirty nonsense.

But you I shall have disbarred and indicted.

(FRANÇOIS MURMURS)

I don't think it's a very good idea, and I think you should change your mind.

- When you do, let me know. - Just a second. Simone.

The reason I sent for you is that I made a mistake last night.

- You see, Paul? You're a witness. - Be quiet, will you?

I said I wouldn't hurt you if I had a choice.

And you misunderstood me. You thought I was promising immunity.

And that was why you presented the Can-Can

and why you thought I lied to you.

- Don't talk, Simone. - Yes, don't talk. He's right.

Just listen.

I was stupid to have made a statement you could so easily misinterpret.

That's all. And for that reason,

I'm going to withdraw my complaint against you.

- You're what? - That's very prudent of you.

As you know, Paul, my decision was made early this morning.

I know you well enough to accept that.

And your decision couldn't please me more.

Thank you.

Do you mean I can keep my 10,000 francs and my café stays open?

- Yes. - Oh, François.

François, you're a genius.

- Of course. I've known it all the time. - Goodbye, children.

I'm delighted no blood was shed.

Come on. Let's celebrate.

François, would you wait for me a moment?

I'd like to thank Judge Forrestier.

All right, but keep your guard up.

I'm awfully sorry I thought you were a prune.

You're forgiven.

And I'm sorry I told all those silly lies about last night.

Well, at least you now have a picture of us.

Or Emil has.

Maybe you could get me a copy.

(LAUGHS)

I was right last night, wasn't I?

I knew I liked you.

Thank you.

Uh, here's a kiss I really mean.

(DOOR CLOSES)

"The State v. Simone Pistache."

(CHUCKLES)

(SINGING) You do

Something to me

Something that simply mystifies me

Tell me

Why should it be

You have the power to hypnotize me

Let me

Live 'neath your spell

Do do that voodoo

That you do so well

For you do

Something to me

That nobody else can do

It's mystifying

Hypnotizing

Let me live 'neath your spell

Do do that voodoo

That you do so well

For you do

Something to me

That nobody else

That nobody else

No, nobody else

Can do

François?

You have my undivided attention.

You know I'm, um,

growing fonder and fonder of you every day.

Mm, that's nice. Tell me something.

Are you thinking about the same thing I am?

I was thinking about marriage.

(COUGHING) It went down the wrong way.

Oh, it always goes down the wrong way.

Will you please tell me why?

I'll tell you why.

Because I'd much rather be in love with you than to marry you.

Couldn't we arrange to do both?

No, sweetheart, we can't, if you want to be realistic about it.

Look, in my opinion,

the biggest reason in the world today for infidelity is marriage.

Eliminate marriage, and you'll never see any such thing as an unfaithful husband.

Oh. Oh, mm-hmm.

Cut off your legs so you'll never have flat feet.

Go ahead and be funny if you like,

but I thought you wanted to discuss this seriously.

I do want to discuss this seriously.

But eliminate marriage? We can't discuss it seriously then.

Well, why don't you let me finish?

- I'm the lawyer, right? - Yes.

Now, I see the seamy side of marriage,

you know, about the point where it's beginning to break up.

And in each case, the history's exactly the same.

After about a year's time, the man discovers another girl.

Now, he can't spend much time with his new puff

because he'd have to lie to his wife.

So what does he do? He lies.

And then he feels guilty.

And he doesn't wanna see his wife anymore because he doesn't like feeling guilty.

The result is that here are two people

who were once in love with each other,

they are now separated, unhappy and miserable.

And why? Because they were stupid enough to get married in the first place.

It's beyond me.

I guess I never really thought of it that way.

It's the only way to think about it, darling.

Direct, straight from the shoulder.

Oh, you monster!

Honestly, the way you twist everything around just to get your own way.

- Well, it makes sense, doesn't it? - No, it doesn't. Not to me.

Of course it does, sweetheart.

Look, why should we get married and lose each other?

Let's just be in love. It's more fun that way. Everybody does it.

Why, even in France, the best upper sets do it.

(SINGING) Lithuanians and Letts do it

Let's do it Let's fall in love

- Oh, I've heard that before - In old Japan

All the Japs do it

Up in Lapland little laps do it

Let's do it Let's fall in love

I know, the Dutch in old Amsterdam do it

Not to mention the Finns

Folks in Siam do it

Think of Siamese twins

In shallow shoals

English soles do it

Goldfish in the privacy of bowls do it

Let's do it Let's fall in love

The chimpanzees in the zoos do it

Some courageous kangaroos do it

Let's do it Let's fall in love

I'm sure giraffes on the sly do it

Even eagles as they fly do it

Let's do it Let's fall in love

Electric eels, I might add, do it

Though it shocks 'em, I know

(SCREAMS)

And why ask if shad do it

Garçon, the shad roe

The world admits bears in pits do it

Even Pekingeses at the Ritz do it

BOTH: Let's do it Let's fall in love

The royal set sans regret did it

And they considered it fun

Marie-Antoinette did it

With or without Napoleon

Parliament pleasure-bent did it

Mam'selles, every time they're short of rent did it

Let's do it Let's fall in love

Well, Andre, how much did we lose last night?

Oh, not too bad, mademoiselle.

We'll never get this place paid for.

What's this? Two hundred Francs just for sugar?

Mm, the pastry cook. You'll have to speak to him.

Speak to him? I'll bake him.

What's this chromo?

"Toulouse-Lautrec."

It's yours, mademoiselle.

You didn't. Not again?

But he's a fine painter, and he didn't eat much.

Three francs, 40 centimes.

I don't care, Andre. I want the money.

I have a cellar full of this trash.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Hello again.

Oh, hello.

- Good afternoon, sir. - Good afternoon.

- Will that be all? - Uh, yes, Andre.

Please bring me the accounts as soon as you've balanced them.

Yes.

I certainly wasn't expecting company.

You look very nice.

- Thank you, but I'm sure I look a fright. - Oh.

- What are you doing here? - I... I don't know.

(BOTH LAUGH)

What, is anything wrong?

We're not gonna do the Can-Can again for quite a while

- if that's what's worrying you. - Oh, I'm not worried.

You're not worried.

Well, would you like to sit down and have a drink?

No, no, thank you. Really, all I'd like right now is to ask you a question.

Will you have dinner with me tonight?

Oh, uh, I'm terribly sorry,

but I have an engagement.

Couldn't you break it?

Oh, now, you wouldn't want me

to have trouble with my gentleman friend, would you?

Oh, of course not. Of course.

- I'm very sorry. - Oh, it...

It's quite all right. Good afternoon.

Good afternoon.

FORRESTIER: Simone.

Don't you ever knock?

But there's no door.

- I'm sorry. - It's all right.

I suppose I do wear less when I'm dancing.

Uh, Simone, uh,

- about your engagement tonight. - Yes?

I... I could meet you afterwards, say, about 11:00.

I'm sorry. It just wouldn't work out.

- 12:00, then? - No, really, I can't.

Well, good afternoon.

Good afternoon.

- Simone. - (YELPS)

Simone, I... I can't stand it.

You are not going out with another man. I won't allow it.

Judge Forrestier, please! I'm not dressed.

Never mind that. Answer my question.

What question? Will you please get out?

I love you! "I love you." That's the question.

And you're going to answer it before I leave this room.

Answer what? How?

Now don't pretend you don't know what to say

when a man tells you that he loves you and wants you.

Oh, I see. A proposition.

Say you don't love anyone else.

Swear you never will love anyone else.

Take your hands off me.

The way you men maul me just because I run a café.

It's... It's insulting. That's what it is. It's insulting.

Look, Simone, you're talking to a man

who has been a bachelor for 32 proud years.

I've resisted marriage all this time.

Now you come along, I get stuck, I can't sleep,

I'm asking you to marry me, and you call it insulting.

Now, what, please, would you consider a compliment?

You mean, you're asking me to marry you?

Yes! Yes, I am! I am!

I don't understand it, but I am.

With my whole heart, I'm asking you.

Pardon me. I have to sit down.

(EXHALES) I've never had a proposal before.

Of marriage, I mean.

I like that. I like that very much.

It shows I'm the only smart man in the world.

- (SIGHS) A genuine proposal. - Yes.

And I was beginning to think it might never happen.

Oh, now, wait. I don't really know you.

Well, I don't know you any better. That's what makes it fascinating.

Madame Forrestier.

It is a lovely name.

Perfect.

(GIGGLING) Oh, you must be out of your mind.

Now, Madame Forrestier, don't talk, please. Hold still.

- For you to ask me to marry you is crazy. - Isn't it?

Craziest thing I've ever done.

Oh, but, Judge Forrestier...

- Oh, my! What's your first name? - Philippe. Do you like it?

Philippe. Yes.

Oh, but I must be honest. I haven't fallen in love with you.

Of course not. You just admitted you don't even know me.

But you'll learn. You'll learn.

That's what engagements are for.

- Yes, but I'm in love with someone else. - Naturally. Naturally.

Everyone falls in love once or twice before they get married.

You'll forget him in no time.

Oh, but you're a judge.

You're a judge, and so respectable.

Oh, and I'm just a... A dance hall girl.

Are you a liar? Are you cheap? Are you a thief?

- Of course not! - Then you're respectable.

And decent.

You're as good as anyone on Earth, and better than most.

And I'll never let you forget it.

Oh.

Oh, I think maybe I could fall in love with you.

Simone.

We're going...

Simone, what a good time we're going to have.

Now, uh, I'll call for you in an hour.

We'll have dinner at Armenonville.

Oh, and, uh, by the way, from now on,

never entertain a man in a towel. Hmm?

Oh. (CHUCKLES) Good afternoon.

- Uh, same to you, my good fellow. - Thank you.

Hey there, first prize.

Where's my French pastry?

What are you doing?

- François... - What was that hanging judge doing here?

- François... - He had an awful hot gleam

in that cold eye of his.

Were you sitting around here in that thing while he was here?

Yes. François!

- What do you want? - Will you marry me?

Oh, you'd better refresh me again.

Didn't we settle that question earlier?

I suppose we did.

I can't have dinner with you tonight.

I don't want to see you anymore,

and I don't even want you for my lawyer any longer.

Hold it. Hold it. Wait a minute.

I can understand you trying to break a date,

but let's not get carried away.

I mean everything I'm saying.

Let me see. I left you at 3:30, and we were in love.

It's now 5:30.

I understand that these things don't last for a lifetime,

but don't you think it should taper off a little bit?

Will you not argue, please?

I can't figure out what could have happened between then and now.

Haven't lost any weight. No scandal has broken in the newspapers.

I don't have my pants on backwards.

Don't talk about pants in front of me!

I'm respectable.

- What's wrong with the word "pants"? - You said it again!

Now, listen! I'm not cheap, I'm not a liar, and I'm not a thief.

I wanna be treated with respect.

Are you talking to me, or are you making a speech?

Now, look, something is obviously upsetting you,

and if you'll tell me about it I'll try to fix it for you.

(LAUGHING)

I find that highly amusing!

You'll fix it for me? Pardon my mirth.

What'd you do, swallow a flute?

It might interest you to know

that I am going to marry.

Hmm. Congratulations. Anybody in particular?

Very particular.

Don't use that old trick on me, you know.

Women have tried to use that before.

You know, telling me they're gonna go out and marry somebody else

to put the pressure on me.

If I'd fallen for that, I'd have been hooked 12 times.

You're very sure of yourself, aren't you?

Well, I just know what I know.

You might also be interested to know his name.

It happens to be Judge Philippe Forrestier.

Don't say that, even in fun!

So will you please take your departure, my good man,

or I may have to summon aid.

You know, I believe it's true.

You were even beginning to sound like him.

Simone, if you wanna jump off a bridge, go right ahead.

I won't stand in your way.

But I won't let you marry this man.

I would never forgive myself.

Why? Because he's decent and honest and fair?

No, because I know you. You'd go mad.

And besides that, he's a big, flannel-mouthed bore.

Now, if you wanna punish me, well, go right ahead.

Cut off one of my fingers. Go on. Pick one out.

If it was your tongue, you know, I might be tempted.

All right. We'll have it your way.

I'm leaving,

and I will not be back.

And if you're interested, there are other young ladies in Paris

who are as attractive and as charming as you are

and a damn sight more sincere.

- Sincere? - Sincere.

Oh! Sincere!

Oh! I'm surprised that word doesn't turn to stone in your mouth.

What are we fighting about?

You know I'm crazy about you.

Not enough to marry me, you're not!

What's marriage got to do with it?

Suddenly it's so important all of a sudden.

Yes! I understand marriage has something to do with love!

When a man is in love with a woman,

he's usually willing to give her his name, isn't he?

Names, names. Names don't mean anything.

The wildest woman I ever met was named Prudence.

And why do they call all the crooks Honest John?

I even knew a girl who called herself Virginia.

For heaven's sake, go away.

All right, Simone, I'll leave.

And this is permanent.

Nothing is ever permanent with you.

You're too selfish.

- François! - What is it?

Oh, la, la!

What are you mad at?

Not you, sweetheart.

Ah! Mind if I have a drink?

Pull up a chair.

I'm lonesome.

Oh, no, no. None of that.

Um, I'll take cognac.

You're too cute a girl to be spending a lonesome afternoon.

François, you always say something nice,

but you never do anything about it.

What are you thinking?

What a rainy day it is.

Rainy? Oh, but it's a beautiful day.

That's what I said.

You know, François,

I could be very helpful in a crisis.

I believe you could.

But I'm sorry, sweetheart.

(SINGING) It's the wrong time

And the wrong place

Though your face is charming

It's the wrong face

It's not her face

But such a

Charming face

That it's all right

With me

It's the wrong song

In the wrong style

Though your smile

Is lovely

It's the wrong smile

It's not her smile

But such

A lovely smile

That it's all right

With me

You can't know how happy I am

That we met

I'm strangely attracted

To you

There's someone I'm trying

So hard to forget

Don't you want to forget someone

Too

It's the wrong game

With the wrong chips

Though your lips

Are tempting

They're the wrong lips

They're not her lips

But they're such

Tempting lips

That if some night

You're free

Dear, it's all right

Yes, it's all right

With me

Though your lips

Are tempting

They're the wrong lips

They're not her lips

But they're such

Tempting lips

That if some night

You're free

Dear, it's all right

Yes, it's all right

With me

Philippe. (LAUGHS)

Do you know what you said to the prosecuting attorney

when he asked for a writ of certiorari?

(LAUGHS) You said, "Yes, dear. Yes, dear."

To the prosecuting attorney!

That's Montmartre over there on the hill.

I know. I know where Montmartre is.

I know it as well as anyone in Paris.

Lovely sight.

(PEN LANDS ON STREET)

Do you always throw your pen out of the window?

That was my cigarette.

(CHUCKLES)

Philippe.

Philippe. Who is she?

(CHUCKLES)

Well, I'm glad you asked. The loveliest redheaded creature...

Ah, I know, I know, I know.

(SINGING) Ooh, la, la, la Femme magnifique!

(LAUGHS)

- You don't mean Simone Pistache? - I do. I do.

Simone's going to marry me.

- Marry you? - Yes. Yes, me.

Not your friend François Durnais. Me.

Oh, but you cannot marry her.

Uh, amplify that statement, will you.

Better still, I'll condense it.

Goodbye, career.

Marry a cabaret entertainer,

and the city council will forget your name.

The councilmen aren't all snobs.

Their wives are.

Look, what about Councilman Lagouche?

His wife used to be the biggest...

But Lagouche... Lagouche was elected, not appointed like you.

If I have to, I'll get elected.

Philippe, you have background, ability,

and I just can't sit by

and watch you throw your future out of the window

like your pen.

Oh, Paul, Paul! You've forgotten your own philosophy.

(SINGING) Live and let live

Yes, but think, my boy, think

Take care, take care

Drink and let drink

Dance and let dance

Yes, but not with Simone

- I think she's right for me - I do not

So what, so what, so what

- Play and let play - With your own set

- Sing and let sing - You've got me upset

- Shout and let shout - You're going mad

- No, glad, I'm so glad - This is bad

I hate to mention it, Your Honor

But remember this line

- Your business - But such business

And my business is mine

Your business is your business

And my business

Is mine

- Ah, good evening, sir. - Good evening.

I was told that I might find Monsieur Durnais here.

Monsieur Durnais is, uh, right there, sir.

(DRUM ROLL)

(AUDIENCE GASPING, MURMURING)

(GASPING CONTINUES)

(SIGHS)

(FANFARE PLAYS)

Five hundred francs. Pay me.

Take it. I wouldn't have done that for 5,000.

That's because you have no faith in your fellow man.

- François. - Ah, Paul. Sit down, sit down.

Did you catch my act?

You must be starved for diversion.

Well, I concede I'm a bit moody.

François, I have to talk to you.

What are you going to do about your friend Simone and Philippe Forrestier?

Nothing. Not a thing.

How can I possibly compete with a man who's willing to get married?

It's like playing cards with a cheat.

There are ways to outwit a cheat.

- Like what, Paul? - You tell me, François.

You're the schemer.

Eh, I thought about murder,

suicide, chronic alcoholism,

but none of those things satisfy me.

No other schemes?

Yes, one more. Forget she ever existed.

Ah, no. No, no, no, no.

That's called giving up,

and you love her too much for that.

There must be some way to prevent this impossible marriage...

Paul...

An inspiration?

Would you give them an eng... An engagement party,

and invite all of the social bigwigs in Paris?

But, François, I'm against this marriage.

So am I, Paul. (HICCUPS)

So am I.

(CHATTERING)

Oh, Philippe, I don't know.

There's nothing to be nervous about. They're just people.

I've never had stage fright before.

Oh, it's such a distinguished party, isn't it?

So distinguished it might be difficult to keep awake.

Good evening, my dear.

Oh! Gracious host!

So gratified, I assure you.

- How are you, Philippe? - I'm fine, fine.

- This is a marvelous idea for a party. - It is, isn't it?

- My dear Philippe! I'm so happy for you. - Oh, hello.

- Is this your enchanting fiancée? - Uh, yes.

The Duchess de Grimont, may I introduce Miss Pistache.

- (SIGHS) - Nice.

So gratified to encounter you, your grace, I assure you,

particularly on such a distinguished boat.

Witty, too. (CHUCKLES)

May I borrow your fiancé for a moment?

There's a lady here who thought she was going to get him.

I want to depress her.

If you don't mind, a little later. I'd rather not leave Simone.

Oh, no, Philippe, please. You mustn't refuse her graciousness.

Now, run along, run along.

I'll just stand here with Paul and enjoy the distinguished gathering.

- All right, all right. But I'll be back. - Thank you, my dear.

May I get you a glass of champagne?

Oh, I'd be so gratified, I assure you.

Simone. How are you, sweetheart?

I'll find a waiter.

And what are you doing here?

I'm celebrating your betrothal, just like everyone else is.

I do not wish to seem unfriendly in my great hour of happiness,

but get out of here, you louse.

Sweetheart, you're a little nervous. Now, calm down.

I know I'm nervous, François. I know it.

You're not helping things any.

Champagne?

Here, try this. This might.

Thank you.

I'll take these. The days are getting shorter.

A little tense out, isn't it?

François, I'm really terrified.

I know. Try another one of these.

- But I just had one. - Trust me. Drink it.

Okay.

The secret of these grand parties is to be natural.

Helps you relax.

A few more of these, and you'll get a feeling that you're in your own café.

Ready, darling?

Well! Good evening.

Philippe, congratulations. You're a very lucky man.

Well, that's very nice of you to say so.

- Will you forgive us? - Mm-hmm.

- Pardon me. - Come on.

De Musset, perhaps, or Verlaine,

but Baudelaire, he is no poet.

"Desire, that guttering candle under the rump of night,"

it's so effortful.

Which poet do you prefer, Miss Pistache?

Me? Uh, the first one.

- He's my favorite. - I agree.

Which work?

Uh, work?

Oh! Oh, I just remembered.

I've left my hanky. I'll be right back.

- Anything wrong? - (GASPS)

- Oh! - You're jumpy.

(SIGHS) François, I'm desperate.

- What's the matter? - I don't know.

I can't seem to talk to those people in there.

De Musset and Ver... Ver...

- Verlaine? - Verlaine.

I never heard of those names.

Oh, they must think I'm just a terrible dummy.

That's because you're trying to be something you're not.

I am a dummy.

Have a little more wine, dummy.

(EXHALES) I've never had so much to drink in my life.

And I don't even feel it.

You know, these people are crazy about entertainers.

- Hmm? - They really like performers.

Really, they do.

And I was just thinking,

you know the routine you made up at Yvette's birthday party

a couple months ago?

- Oh! (LAUGHS) - It was great. Just great.

- Yvette's birthday party. - Yes.

- (LAUGHS) That was a wonderful party. - Remember the routine?

That was a good party!

That routine... (EXHALES)

- I don't think for these people, François. - Why not?

(WHISPERS) Well, not with these people.

Would I steer you wrong?

Let me tell you something. I know these people.

They're probably so bored that they would love to be entertained,

and if you did this, you'd have them right in the palm of your hand.

- You'd own them all. - Oh, François.

- Really? I... - Scared?

- Scared? - Have some more courage.

Well...

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, if you please.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention?

It is my pleasure to introduce to you

the guest of honor for this evening, Mademoiselle Pistache.

Judge Forrestier's fiancée would like now to entertain you

with a number that I don't believe you've ever seen nor heard.

Now, if you will just be seated and make a little more room,

she's about ready to entertain you.

- Mademoiselle Pistache. - (MURMURING, CHATTERING)

(PIANO PLAYING)

(SINGING) From down

To up

About

This town

I've drunk

My cup (HICCUPS)

From up to down

But being

A connoisseur

And a great social pet

The circle

Which I prefer

Is the "dilettanti" set

(GLASS SHATTERS)

If you want to pass through the gilded gates

Where the bourgeois meet the sophisticates

To exchange their views and to compare their mates

Come along with me

If you'd like to dine

With an old marquis

Who will swear that technically he is free

But his wife's the only technicality

Come along with me

Come along with me, my pretty

Let me open your eyes

In this great big wicked city

It is folly not to be wise

And if any night, baby You would care

For an unconventional love affair

I'll improve your mind if you'll let down your hair

Come along

Come along

Come along with me

There's a prince whose home has become a must

For the lower men of the upper crust

'Cause his high-born wife has such a low-cut bust

- (GASPS) - Come along with me

There's a king who's on the town, dear

Who imbibes round the clock

He will show you his gold crown, dear

When he gets his crown out of hock Ooh!

Whee!

Whee!

Come along

Come along

Come along

With me

(SOBBING)

Simone.

Simone, please, don't... Don't be upset.

- Simone. - (SOBBING) I'll kill him, Philippe.

The minute I see that rascal, I'll kill him.

And I'll go to the guillotine a happy woman.

But, Simone, you'd be leaving a very unhappy man.

Philippe, you mustn't even talk to me.

I don't deserve to be talked to.

Oh, Philippe, I disgusted your friends.

Oh, they were absolutely disgusted.

Who cares? They disgust me.

I'll break his head open.

Simone, nothing has happened that matters the least bit.

Oh, but, Philippe, I humiliated you right in front of your friends.

I showed them what a stupid, cheap girl you want to marry.

Ah-ah. No one's allowed to criticize Madame Forrestier, not even you.

But I did.

I humiliated you right in front of your friends.

Philippe, I don't belong with those people.

I took this distinguished boat,

and I turned it into a cheap, low-class saloon.

"Distinguished boat." That's the most lovable phrase I ever heard.

I'll kill François.

- Simone, look at me. - (SNIFFLING)

Look at me.

Let's do something better than killing François.

Let's show him how little he means.

We'll walk back to the salon together

and let everyone see how unimportant their opinions are to us.

I can't go back there again. I'd never go back there.

Just smile at them, Simone, just smile,

and in 20 minutes they'll be drinking toasts to you, believe me.

Just believe me.

(SNIFFLES)

I'll... I'll fix my face, then.

That's my girl.

Come.

All right. (SNIFFLES)

All right. You wait outside.

- I'll be out in a little while. - Fine.

I'm proud of you.

(SIGHS)

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS)

Simone? Simone?

- Coffee? - No.

- Cognac? - She hasn't been to her home.

No one's heard from her since the party.

She may be dead, Paul. She might have drowned.

Don't be dramatic.

She feels ashamed and doesn't want to see people, that's all.

That doesn't explain her hiding from me.

A man to see you, monsieur. He says he's Andre the head waiter.

- Andre? Well, send him in. - Come in, Andre.

Good evening, monsieur.

Mademoiselle Pistache asked me to deliver this personally.

- Andre, where is she? Is she all right? - She is quite all right, sir.

This goes with the letter, sir.

Uh, now, Andre, wait!

Where is Miss Pistache? Please.

I am not allowed to tell, sir.

I'm sorry.

Well? What does it say?

You can read faster than that.

"I know you can make Philippe understand.

"Please tell him I'm still not a liar,

"I'm not cheap, and I'm not a thief.

"but I'd be all three if I married him

"now that I know what a mistake it would be.

"Simone.

"PS. This is the first piece of jewelry

"I ever returned to a man."

That girl has style.

Well, I don't call that style.

You don't break an engagement because some stuffed shirts snubbed you,

not unless you're as big a snob as they are.

Oh, well, it's over.

Don't go on torturing yourself.

I don't know how to stop.

You're not the first to have that problem.

(SINGING) As Madame du Barry once said

To her boyfriend, "Fare thee well"

As Columbus announced when he knew he was bounced

"It was swell, Isabelle, swell"

As Abélard said to Héloïse

"Don't forget to drop a line to me, please"

As Juliet cried in her Romeo's ear

"Romeo, why not face the fact, my dear"

It was just... (CHUCKLES)

One of those things

Just one of those crazy flings

One of those bells that now and then rings

Just one of those things

It was just

One of those nights

Just one of those fabulous flights

A trip to the moon

On gossamer wings

Just one of those things

If you thought a bit of the end of it

When you started painting the town

You'd have been aware that your love affair

Was too hot not to cool down

Say goodbye, dear Amen

Here's hoping you'll meet her again

It was great fun

But it was just one of those things

Just one of those things

Poof!

Mm.

The plaintiff alleges that...

(RINGS)

Durnais speaking. Hello?

Oh, Claudine.

Simone what?

- Well, you needn't yell. - Simone is on her way to see you.

I don't like to gossip, François, but I think she's going to shoot you.

- What gave you that idea? - She did!

She said so to Arturo. I thought you might be interested.

Well, thank you, Claudine. I am, in a way, yes. Thank you very much.

Anytime, chérie. (SMOOCHES)

Yes.

I'm not in for Miss Pistache.

As a matter of fact, I'm out of the country.

Now, you go out and protect your job.

Dead men pay no Christmas bonuses.

She's coming in now.

- She got a gun? - Well, maybe.

She's carrying a box.

Go, go, go.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

I would like to see Monsieur Durnais. It's very important.

- He's not in. - Oh, I'll wait.

- But he won't be back for a long time. - I'm in no hurry.

He's out of the country.

I don't believe you.

Go ahead. Shoot.

(CHUCKLES) François!

I wouldn't want to hurt my best friend.

Well, a little bird told me

that you came over here with homicide on your mind.

I'll admit, at first I wanted to hack off your head.

But after a while, I... Well, I think it was all for the best.

Oh. Well, what about, uh, uh, Philippe?

I haven't seen him. We're no longer engaged.

- Well! Congratulations are in order. - (CHUCKLES) Don't.

Well, we should be celebrating our getting together again.

This is a big moment, honey face.

Don't, François. (GIGGLES)

I've decided to do without men for a while.

You've decided to... Oh, that's not my little birdie talking.

Well, I didn't say forever.

Oh. Well, then, I'll be patient.

I'm concentrating on one thing, making money.

Thank heaven. I thought perhaps you might have changed.

The Quat'z' Arts ball committee called the other day.

They say if I can handle it, they'll let me give the ball this year.

Say! That's a big coup.

I could make a small fortune if you'd help me.

- How much? - Fifteen thousand francs.

- You got it. - All right, but I don't want any favors.

Only a business deal.

What are you making such a fuss for? Just take the money.

No. A strict business deal.

This is the deed to my café.

Security for the loan.

Well, why are you bothering with all this...

If you don't wanna do it my way, we'll just have to forget it.

Okay. We'll do it your way.

Now, if you'll sign right there,

you will hold the title until I can pay back the money.

- Mm. - My name is already there.

Mm-hmm.

You know, since you've been going around with that judge,

you sure got pretty legal.

Mm-hmm. (BLOWS)

I'll give this back to you

as soon as I have the change of title recorded.

Anything you say, sweetheart.

(BLOWS) There you are.

Thank you so much. (BLOWS)

Good day, François.

I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry if you've been unhappy.

Good. Frankly, I want you to be sorry.

Bye-bye.

(CHUCKLING)

(ORCHESTRA PLAYING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING, LAUGHING)

(MUSIC ENDS)

(DRUM ROLL)

(CHEERING)

Ladies and gentlemen of the four arts,

we would like now to present, for your entertainment,

a ballet based on the story of Adam and Eve.

Now, why Adam and Eve, you may ask.

Well, we chose Adam and Eve

because we would like to remind the police department

than sin was not invented in Montmartre.

It was only perfected here.

(LAUGHING, CHEERING)

Splendid, Andre.

(FANFARE PLAYS)

(HARP PLAYS)

(ORCHESTRA CONTINUES)

(ORCHESTRA CONTINUES)

(DANCERS SCREAM)

(ALL SCREAM)

(ORCHESTRA CONTINUES)

(MUSIC ENDS)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING)

Hey! How's my little French pastry?

- What do you say? This the night? - Philippe.

Biggest bottle I could find, sweetheart. Bring another glass, huh?

Philippe, please go away.

Hey, wait.

I brought you a cat.

Her name is the Duchess de Grimont. Like cats?

Very cute. But, Philippe, please...

Better like this cat. She's got a diamond necklace.

Oh. It's very pretty.

Hey, you too can be an animal lover.

Just takes a little coaxing, huh, first prize?

What do you say?

My goodness. I've never seen you drunk before.

- I'm not drunk. - Well, you're not yourself.

Why should I be myself?

You don't like myself.

You like flip, sophisticated fellows

with a lot of fast answers.

You like men who know how to make you laugh and then treat you badly.

Well, that isn't so hard to learn.

Now, crawl out of that skin, will ya.

We're gonna thrill the tourists at Maxim's.

Forget about this ball here. It's rollin'.

(GIGGLING)

What you laughing at, French pastry?

Because you sound just like him.

You're funny.

- What's the matter? - The cat!

She's scampered for the pawn shop.

Hey, cat! Fat cat! Where are ya?

- Fat cat with the loot! - (CAT YOWLS)

Ah, there you are. There you are, little baby.

Keep a firm grip on this beast.

It has a message for you, sweetheart.

Oh, my! Do you know what you just did?

Sure. Closed the stupid window.

Oh! (LAUGHS)

Oh, I think maybe I was wrong about you.

No argument, birdie.

Oh, I... I mean you and me.

It might not be such a bad mistake after all.

Don't... Don't rush me, birdie.

I mean, if I really make you happy,

then I wouldn't be wrong for you, would I?

Yes, sweetheart, you would.

According to the people that count, you sure would.

But who cares?

(SINGING) It's the wrong time

And the wrong place

Though your face is charming

It's the wrong face

But it's your face

And such a

Charming face

That if you might

Agree

Dear, it's all right

Yes, it's all right

(GIGGLES)

Withme

Ring-a-ding-ding-ding.

Let's get out of here, honey.

All right, Philippe. (GIGGLES)

All right. I have something important to attend to first, though.

I'll be through in about half an hour. I'll meet you at Maxim's.

You can bet on it, birdie.

(LAUGHS)

FRANÇOIS: Hey there, Eve! About that apple...

François, François, I hope you're having a pleasant evening.

- You do? - Well, uh, not really.

He may be long on law, but he sure is short on charm.

Hey. Who closed this window?

Philippe.

Philippe, huh?

- Now I'm worried. - You have reason to be worried.

Look, sweetheart, I'm getting a little tired of that cold shoulder treatment.

I decided to take steps.

- Now, step number one... - (HUFFS)

Darling, it's the mate to the other one.

Oh, my, François!

Isn't that lovely!

- Oh, thank you! - I knew you'd like it.

(LAUGHING) That's lovely.

- You're gonna be arrested. - Isn't that pretty?

Oh, I love it. Thank you.

- I'm going to be what? - Arrested.

In exactly 30 seconds. I've made all the arrangements.

Oh, you poor girl. Your mind's crumbling.

It's the strain of keeping away from me.

François, you remember that deed you signed?

Yes. What about it?

Well, when you signed that deed,

you became the proprietor of this establishment.

Now, when I go outside and tell Arturo to start the Can-Can,

this place is going to be raided.

I know because I fixed it with the police.

Now, the police usually arrest the proprietor, don't they?

And you, dear, sweet, darling François, are the proprietor!

- (LAUGHS) - No, you wouldn't do a thing like that.

No, not for about another 10 seconds.

Look, you may not realize it,

but this is not just a weekend in jail or a fine.

- I could be disbarred. - (LAUGHING) I know. Excuse me.

Wait a... Wait.

I know I've been a little rough on you, dear, but...

'Cause I didn't want to lose you.

Mm-hmm. That's where we differ. I do want to lose you.

Wait a minute, sister! You're not giving any signals tonight!

The hell I'm not!

Simone!

- Simone! - (ORCHESTRA PLAYING)

Simone!

- (WHISTLES BLOWING) - (PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Help.

Call the first case.

The city of Parisv. François Durnais.

Monsieur Durnais!

May it please the court, I ask permission to act as my own attorney.

May I remind you, Monsieur Durnais,

that an attorney who represents himself is said to have a fool for a client.

Thank you, Your Honor,

but I still believe that it is better than having a fool for a lawyer.

No objection.

Your Honor, Monsieur Paul Barriere, the eminent president of the court,

has abstained from sitting at the trial today

so that he might give testimony as a character witness.

I call Monsieur Barriere to the stand.

Do you swear to tell the truth,

the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

I do.

Monsieur, will you

tell the court

what you know of the character of the defendant?

Monsieur le President, Your Honors,

I have known the defendant for many years.

He's an excellent lawyer,

a credit to his profession,

and a good, good friend.

Whether or not he is guilty technically,

I ask the court to bear in mind

that a sentence of guilty would automatically result

in his professional ruin.

And I do not think the city of Paris

is so rich in legal talent

that it can so casually lose the services

of a gifted and honorable attorney.

Thank you.

The court is grateful to have Judge Barriere's opinion.

And the defendant thanks you, Your Honor.

Your Honor, I would like to call Mademoiselle Pistache to the stand.

MAN: Mademoiselle Pistache.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

I do.

Your name?

- Simone. - You have a last name?

Of course I have a last name. You know I have a last name.

May the court hear it?

Simone Pistache.

Are you the Simone Pistache who owns the Bal du Paradis?

No, I'm not.

Oh, that is a different Simone Pistache?

Well, if there's another Simone Pistache, I don't know her.

And besides, I don't see what that...

- If my questions confuse you... - I am not confused!

You haven't asked me anything intelligent!

(SPECTATORS LAUGHING)

I will begin again.

Which Simone Pistache do you state you now are?

I am the one who, until four days ago, owned the Bal du Paradis,

at which time it was taken over by another party.

Taken over? You mean bought?

No.

Oh, you gave it away as a gift?

- (SPECTATORS CHUCKLING) - No.

Or perhaps you put it up as collateral.

- What does that mean? - It means a pledge of payment.

Oh.

Let us say that you needed a great deal of money desperately.

And let us say there was a young man who loved you very much.

And this certain young man was quite eager to lend you the money

for no more collateral than a smile.

But you said, "No, monsieur, I refuse.

"You must accept the café as security."

And, this young man, rendered witless by his affections for you,

accepted your terms.

Monsieur Durnais, your supposition is not a question.

It isn't a supposition, either.

The court is not interested in why you own the café.

It merely wants to learn whether or not you do.

Miss Pistache, if there is a deed

giving title to Mr. Durnais,

may the court see it?

Oh, uh, the deed.

You have such a deed?

Uh, the deed. Um...

Do you have the deed?

No.

- What? - No, I lost it.

(SPECTATORS CHUCKLING)

- When did this happen? - Just now.

- (CHUCKLING CONTINUES) - Uh, I mean, I just remembered...

I... I lost it, uh, on my way running to catch a carriage.

(CHUCKLING CONTINUES)

I move that the case against François Durnais be...

FORRESTIER: Just a moment.

Miss Pistache,

is there a chance of your finding the lost document?

Uh, no, Your Honor. No.

Once I make up my mind to lose something, I never find it.

You haven't forgotten that you are under oath?

I always tell the truth, Your Honor.

Well, except, uh...

Except?

Well, sometimes it takes a little while to learn what the truth is.

I see.

That is all.

Your Honor, I move that the case against François Durnais

be dismissed because of a lack of evidence.

Motion granted. Case dismissed.

- Your Honor! - Yes, Madame?

The fact remains that this vile dance was performed

on the premises of the Bal du Paradis.

And whoever is guilty must be punished!

- May I intervene, Your Honor? - By all means.

Madame, have you ever seen the Can-Can?

Why, certainly not!

Well, then may I suggest that the court adjourn

to the Bal du Paradis this evening

and take an official look at the... At the crime?

An excellent suggestion!

Court is adjourned!

- (SPECTATORS MURMURING) - (SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE)

(ORCHESTRA PLAYING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

(DANCERS SHRIEKING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING)

(SHRIEKS)

(SHRIEKS)

(ALL SHRIEKING)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

(SHRIEKING)

(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)

(SHRIEKING CONTINUES)

(BOTH SCREAM)

(SHRIEKING IN SUCCESSION)

- (ALL SHRIEKING) - (SONG ENDS)

Well, what's the verdict?

- Are you offended in any way? - Do you still want to ban it?

Ban it?

- I want to learn it! - I'll teach you!

A toast to Madame la President.

- ALL: Madame la President. - Merci. Merci.

- (WHISPERS) - Pardon me.

I'll be right back.

Yes?

Mademoiselle, will you please step outside for one moment?

What for?

To save embarrassment.

All right, but no free drinks tonight. That performance was legal.

Thank you.

Ah, now, what is it?

Mademoiselle, we have a warrant for your arrest.

- Arrest? Hey, now wait a minute! - Come along.

I told you it was legal tonight!

- There's three judges in there! - You're under arrest!

Andre! Andre!

- Get in there! - You're under arrest!

- Get in there. - Andre, call François! (SCREAMS)

Andre, I want François!

Is this service quick enough for you?

They get you, too? What's the charge?

Mm, it'll cost me about 2,000, including this wagon.

- What will? - For rigging a false arrest.

I'll smash you, François!

- One of these days, honestly! - Simone. Simone!

- I'll smash you! - Stop screaming at me!

Now listen to me.

Now, you were just in a lot of trouble a second ago,

and you called for me, didn't you?

Now, I love you, Simone. I truly love you.

Now, please forgive me.

You don't love me!

I'm willing to make it legal.

You don't love me now,

you never have loved me, and you're gonna go on...

You what?

François, honestly?

You mean you want to marry me?

Mm, no. I thought I'd just adopt you.

(LAUGHING)

You miserable...

CHORUS: (SINGING) I love Paris every moment

Because my love

Is near

(VOCALIZING)