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( hip-hop music playing )

( cheering and applause )

Announcer: You've seen him on "MAD TV."

One of the funniest cats in the game.

Put your hands together

for Aries Spears!

NEW YORK CITY, WHAT'S HAPPENING, BABY?

YOUR BOY IS HOME, NEW YORK.

YEAH, NEW YORK CITY, BABY. I'M GLAD TO BE HERE.

I'M GLAD TO BE HOME AND SHIT.

MY MAN JAZZY JEFF, MUCH LOVE, MAN.

I APPRECIATE YOU, BOY.

NEW YORK, I'M GLAD WE'VE GOT AN ECLECTIC CROWD, MAN.

THERE'S A LOT OF BLACK PEOPLE HERE.

I WANT TO THANK THE WHITE PEOPLE FOR COMING.

YOU MOTHERFUCKERS SHOWED THAT YOU STILL KNOW YOUR PLACE.

IT'S AWESOME YOU CAME WITH THAT KIND OF CONFIDENCE.

IS THAT YOUR MAN? OKAY, HOW ARE YOU DOING, BRO?

NIGGA, UNFOLD YOUR ARMS. WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME

LIKE YOU'RE THE RENT COLLECTOR, NIGGA?

UNFOLD YOUR ARMS.

NO, NIGGA, I AIN'T NERVOUS. YOU'RE A BIG MOTHERFUCKER.

I THROW A WEIGHT DOWN, YOU GOTTA MAKE A CHOICE, MOTHERFUCKER.

SO IS THIS-- IS THIS YOUR FIRST NEGRO?

THAT BITCH SAID, "HUH-UH."

I SAID THAT SHIT LIKE HE COMES WITH A THEME SONG--

♪ MY FIRST NEGRO. ♪

YOU SAID NO. THAT'S GONNA BE AN AWKWARD DRIVE HOME.

"BITCH, YOU TOLD ME I WAS SPECIAL."

Y'ALL PROBABLY HAVE GREAT SEX.

Y'ALL ROLE-PLAY AT ALL? DO YOU ROLE-PLAY?

NO?

YOU EVER PLAY "ESCAPED SLAVE AND THE MASTER'S WIFE"?

HURRY UP, NIGGA. GET BACK TO WORK.

YOU'RE ON THE CLOCK.

SHIT, YOU GOT A WHITE GIRL, YOU GOTTA DRESS UP LIKE O.J. ON HALLOWEEN,

COME OUT OF THE CLOSET WITH A BUTCHER KNIFE, SCARE THE SHIT--

ARGHH!

I'M GLAD Y'ALL ARE TOGETHER. THAT'S FINE.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. WHEN Y'ALL HAVE SEX

YOU GOTTA ROLE-PLAY. IT'S FUN, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

BLACK WOMEN, DON'T GET ME WRONG, I LOVE Y'ALL,

BUT CERTAIN SHIT YOU CAN'T DO WITH Y'ALL.

Y'ALL HAVE TOO MANY RULES AND REGULATIONS.

NIGGA, DON'T TOUCH MY HAIR. DON'T BE TOUCHING MY MOTHERFUCKING HAIR.

I JUST GOT MY SHIT DID. NIGGA FUCKS YOU DOGGY STYLE,

HE'S GOTTA KEEP HIS HANDS BEHIND HIS BACK AND SHIT.

HE FEELS THE URGE TO GRAB YOUR SHIT, IT MIGHT COME OFF

LIKE-- OH SHIT!

YOU GOTTA HAVE A CHIN STRAP ON. YOU GOTTA KEEP IT LOCKED DOWN, MAN.

YOU GOTTA HAVE FUN WITH THAT, MAN.

I NOTICE WE'VE GOT A PRETTY ASIAN GIRL SITTING IN THE CROWD.

HOW ARE YOU DOING, SWEETHEART? YOU ALL RIGHT?

YES, BABY, YOU. BITCH, I'M LOOKING AT YOU. YES, THIS AIN'T--

YES, YOU, MOTHERF-- HOW ARE YOU DOING, SWEETHEART?

I LOVE ASIAN WOMEN. SEE, I COULD HAVE FUN WITH YOU

IF YOU WAS MY GIRL. WE COULD ROLE-PLAY, YOU KNOW.

LIKE I COME HOME ONE DAY IN A SOLDIER'S OUTFIT.

( laughter )

AND I GOT MY DICK HANGING THROUGH THE ZIPPER.

AND I'M LIKE, "I'M AN AMERICAN SOLDIER HERE TO SLAY SOME--"

WHAT'S YOUR NATIONALITY, BABY?

WHAT'S YOUR NATIONALITY? YOU FILIPINO?

FUCK IT, IT'D WORK BETTER FOR THE JOKE IF YOU WERE VIETNAMESE.

SO YOU'RE VIETNAMESE.

LIKE, "I'M AN AMERICAN SOLDIER HERE TO SLAY SOME VIETNAMESE ASS."

AND I CAN'T SEE YOU. YOU'RE SOMEWHERE IN THE HOUSE HIDDEN.

BUT YOU GOT LIKE A POTATO SACK ON FOR A SHIRT,

A LITTLE DIRT AND MUD ON YOUR FACE.

AND I JUST HEAR YOU YELL FROM A DISTANCE,

"YOU GO HOME, BLACK MAN. IT'S NOT YOUR WAR."

AND THEN WHEN I SEE YOU, WE FUCK ON A BED OF RICE PADDIES.

THAT WOULD BE AWESOME.

DON'T GET EMBARRASSED. THIS IS REAL SHIT, MAN.

AND I DON'T WANT NONE OF THE WHITE PEOPLE TO GET UNCOMFORTABLE

'CAUSE I DO LIKE TO TALK ABOUT THE RACE ISSUE.

'CAUSE A LOT OF Y'ALL TRY TO ACT LIKE THIS SHIT AIN'T RELEVANT NO MORE.

LIKE IS RACE STILL RELEVANT IN AMERICA?

LOOK AT SOME OF THE WHITE PEOPLE-- "WHATEVER DO YOU MEAN?"

RACISM WILL ALWAYS BE RELEVANT IN AMERICA FOR TWO REASONS:

ONE-- THERE'S TOO MUCH BAD HISTORY

AND YOU CAN'T ERASE THAT MUCH BAD HISTORY;

AND TWO-- I JUST THINK IT'S NATURAL FOR EVERYBODY TO BE A LITTLE BIT RACIST.

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT COLOR YOU ARE. WHAT YOUR GENDER IS,

HOW OLD YOU ARE, WE ARE ALL A LITTLE BIT RACIST.

AND WHITE PEOPLE, Y'ALL ARE THE FIRST ONES TO DENOUNCE THAT SHIT--

"I'M NOT RACIST. I'M INCAPABLE OF BEING RACIST.

MY BEST FRIEND IS BLACK.

HE'S ALSO MY CHAUFFEUR, BUT HE'S MY BEST FRIEND."

EVERYBODY IN THIS ROOM,

EVERYBODY IN THIS COUNTRY IS AS LITTLE RACIST.

YOU MIGHT NOT BE SMACK-A-TACO-OUT-OF- A-MEXICAN'S-HAND RACIST,

BUT WE ARE ALL--

FUCK Y'ALL, THAT IS WAY FUNNIER THAN THAT.

I DON'T KNOW WHY Y'ALL ARE SCARED TO LAUGH.

YOU ACT LIKE 300 MEXICANS ARE GONNA POP OUT OF NOWHERE

LIKE, "WHAT THE FUCK, FUCKER?

I MAKE A SPECIAL SOUR CREAM FOR YOU, ESE."

IT'S FUCKING HILARIOUS.

AND I LIVE IN L.A. I LOVE THE MEXICANS, I DO.

'CAUSE OF MEXICANS MY LAWN LOOKS FABULOUS.

I GOT A LITTLE BIT OF MONEY. I LIVE IN A WHITE NEIGHBORHOOD.

THEY'D BE OUT THERE CUTTING MY GRASS AND SHIT.

IT'D BE HOT AS A MOTHERFUCKER OUTSIDE.

I'D BE STARING AT THEM FROM THE HOUSE THROUGH THE BLINDS.

LIKE, "MM MM MM."

20 MINUTES LATER THEY KNOCK ON THE DOOR AND ASK ME FOR SHIT.

"SENOR, IT'S HOT OUTSIDE."

THEY ALL SOUND LIKE SPEEDY GONZALEZ.

"IS HOT OUTSIDE.

ME AND MY COMPADRES WAS WONDERING,

CAN WE HAVE SOME AGUA?"

I'M LIKE, "NO, BUT I CAN GIVE YOU SOME ADVICE--

HUM YOUR WAY THROUGH IT, MOTHERFUCKER. THAT'S HOW WE GOT BY-- BAM!"

FUCK THAT. YOU GOT TO EARN YOUR TURN.

YOU CAN'T JUST HOP OVER A FENCE

AND EXPECT THE SAME RIGHTS. YOU GOT TO EARN YOUR TURN.

LOOK AT SOME OF THE WHITE PEOPLE-- "OH MY GOD, HE SAID IT.

THANK YOU.

I'VE BEEN FEELING THIS, BLACK MAN.

THANK YOU."

AND I KNOW THAT'S A BIG DEAL IN THIS COUNTRY--

ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION.

WHITE PEOPLE-- YOU GUYS GET BENT OUT OF SHAPE OVER THAT SHIT.

I HEAR YOU COMPLAINING-- "FUCKING MEXICANS.

THEY'RE COMING HERE TAKING OUR JOBS.

SOME OF THEM HAVE CRIMINAL RECORDS.

WE'RE NOT SAFE. WE DON'T KNOW WHO'S AMONG US."

WELL, LET ME REMIND ALL THE WHITE PEOPLE

WHY INSTEAD OF BEING MAD AT THE MEXICANS--

TECHNICALLY YOU GUYS WERE THE FIRST ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS.

'CAUSE WHEN YOU CAME TO THIS COUNTRY, IT BELONGED TO THE INDIANS.

AND WE KNOW HOW THAT SHIT TURNED OUT.

LOOK HOW QUIET THEY GOT. DID YOU FEEL THE TENSION ALL OF A SUDDEN?

THEY'RE LIKE, "NIGGA, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD SAY THAT.

WE WERE JUST STARTING TO LIKE YOU.

HOW COULD YOU BETRAY OUR TRUST?"

LISTEN, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF YOU COME TO THIS COUNTRY

LEGALLY OR ILLEGALLY, 'CAUSE AT THE END OF THE DAY

WE'RE ALL FOREIGNERS TO SOME EXTENT.

MY ONLY ISSUE IS IF YOU'RE GONNA COME TO THIS COUNTRY,

I GOT ONE RULE-- LEARN HOW TO SPEAK FUCKING ENGLISH, PLEASE.

YOU'VE GOT TO LEARN THE FUCKING LANGUAGE.

'CAUSE THERE'S NOTHING MORE FRUSTRATING TO ME

BEING IN POPEYE'S CHICKEN

ARGUING WITH JORGE ABOUT WHAT THE FUCK I ORDERED.

AND I'M TRYING TO CATCH THE SECOND HALF OF THE GAME.

I AIN'T GOT TIME FOR THIS SHIT.

YOU EVER TALKED TO SOMEBODY THAT DON'T KNOW HOW TO SPEAK ENGLISH?

THEY ALWAYS GOT A LOOK AND A SOUND COMING OUT OF THEIR FACE

LIKE THEY'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF TAKING A SHIT. IT'S HILARIOUS.

LIKE, "EXCUSE ME, YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?"

( grunts )

"I DON'T SPEAK NO-- I DON'T--"

( grunts )

I WAS AT POPEYE'S CHICKEN

AROUND THE PLAYOFFS FOR BASKETBALL

AND I'M ARGUING WITH THIS MOTHERFUCKER ABOUT MY ORDER.

HE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND ME. I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND HIM. SHIT WAS TERRIBLE.

I WAS LIKE, "DAWG, LET ME GET A TWO-PIECE CHICKEN DINNER."

HE TRIED TO REPEAT THE SHIT BACK TO ME--

( moans ) "YOU WANT A TWO-PEE YICKIE?

DO YOU WANT THE SPICY OR THE MAYO?"

I SAID, "WHAT?" HE SAID, "THE SPICY OR THE MAYO?"

I SAID, "WHAT NIGGA YOU KNOW PUTS MAYONNAISE ON CHICKEN?

WHY WOULD I PUT MAYONNAISE ON CHICKEN?

I'M A HOT-SAUCE NIGGA. MY DADDY WAS A HOT-SAUCE NIGGA."

HE SAID, "NO, THE MAYO FOR THE PLAVOR."

I SAID, "WHAT THE FUCK IS PLAVOR?"

HE KEPT LOOKING AT THE MENU LIKE IT WAS "FAMILY FEUD"

AND THE ANSWER WAS GONNA POP UP ON THE BOARD.

( thick accent ) "I DON'T KNOW-- THE TWO-PEE CHICKEN,

THE SPICY OR THE MILD, SO YOU BETTER GET IT FOR YOU."

I SAID, "LET ME GET A TWO-PIECE CHICKEN, SPICY."

HE SAID, "DO YOU WANT A BUSY?"

I SAID, "YES, MOTHERFUCKER, I'M BUSY.

I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS SHIT.

I'M TRYING TO CATCH THE GAME.

KOBE'S ON, NIGGA. COME ON."

HE SAID, "NO, A BUSY."

I SAID, "WHAT THE FUCK IS A BUSY?"

"YOU PUT THE BUTTER AND THE CREAM CHEESE."

I SAID, "A BISCUIT?" HE SAID, "SI SI,

BUT IT'S GONNA BE A TWO-PEE CHICKEN WITH THE SPICY OR THE MILD.

IT'S GONNA COME WITH A BUSY, SO YOU'D BETTER GET IT FOR YOU.

ANDALE ANDALE ARRIBA ARRIBA."

I SAID, "LET ME GET A TWO-PIECE CHICKEN, SPICY, WITH A BISCUIT."

HE SAID, "NOW YOU HAVE TO PICKLE YOUR SIDES."

I SAID, "I'M NOT PLAYING WITH MY PENIS

IN POPEYE'S. I'M NOT DOING THAT.

WHY WOULD I PULL MY DICK OUT AND JACK OFF NEAR THE CRUNCHY? I'M NOT DOING IT."

HE SAID, "NO, YOU GET A TWO-SIDE ORDER."

I SAID, "WHAT KIND OF SIDE YOU GOT?"

HE SAID, "WE HABE DE--

WE HABE DE--"

IT WAS "WE HAVE THE," BUT "WE HABE DE."

"WE HABE DE YAKARONI AND YEESE.

WE HABE DE YASHED POTATOES."

I SAID, "FUCK IT, LET ME GO WITH THE YASHED POTATOES."

"YOU WANT SOMETHING TO DRINK?"

I SAID, "WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO DRINK?"

"WE HABE DE--

WE HABE DE SODAS AND THE USES."

I SAID, "I DON'T WANT NO SODA,

BUT I'M CURIOUS ABOUT YOUR USES."

WHAT THE FUCK IS "USE"?

"WE HABE DE APPLE USE, ORANGE USE, GRAPEFRUIT USE."

LISTEN, THE POINT IS WE HAVE TO DEMAND MORE FROM OUR ILLEGALS.

I'M ARIES SPEARS AND I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE.

WE HAVE TO DEMAND MORE. IT'S UNACCEPTABLE.

FUNNY THING IS, YOU DON'T EVEN REALIZE

HOW RACIST AMERICA IS UNTIL AFTER YOU LEAVE.

LIKE I DID THIS SHOW NOT TOO LONG AGO IN EDMONTON, CANADA.

THERE WAS NO RACIST VIBE IN EDMONTON.

WELL, FIRST OF ALL, AIN'T NO NIGGAS OUT THERE, SO AIN'T NOBODY TO BE MAD AT.

BUT I MUST HAVE WALKED AROUND THAT MOTHERFUCKER FOR FOUR DAYS

LOOKING FOR A BLACK PERSON. FINALLY I SAW ONE. I AIN'T EVEN KNOW THE MOTHERFUCKER.

I JUST RAN UP TO HIM AND HUGGED HIM LIKE, "NIGGA, WHERE YOU BEEN?

WE NEED TO STICK TOGETHER."

HE WAS OFFENDED. HE WAS LIKE, "DUDE, GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME, BRO.

THAT'S, LIKE, TOTALLY ABSURD."

I WAS LIKE, "SHIT, THEY GOT HIM."

IT WAS TOO LATE. I COULDN'T SAVE HIM.

I HAD WHITE KIDS LOOKING AT ME LIKE I WAS AN EXOTIC ANIMAL.

THEY WAS LIKE, "MOM, LOOK AT HIM.

HE'S SO CHOCOLATEY.

I WANT ONE."

THEY KEPT TRYING TO POUR MILK ON ME.

I WAS LIKE, "IT AIN'T GONNA CHANGE COLORS. GET THE FUCK OFF ME."

I SEE SOME OF THE WHITE PEOPLE, Y'ALL GETTING UNCOMFORTABLE.

DON'T GET UNCOMFORTABLE. I LOVE WHITE PEOPLE, MAN.

Y'ALL MY PEOPLE TOO. IT'S JUST CERTAIN SHIT I CAN'T DO WITH Y'ALL,

LIKE GO DRINKING. EVERY TIME I DO A SHOW IN FRONT OF WHITE PEOPLE,

AFTER THE SHOW Y'ALL ALWAYS WANT TO HANG OUT AND BUY ME A DRINK.

I CAN'T DRINK WITH Y'ALL. AND IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T WANT TO.

IT'S JUST I CAN'T HANG. YOU MOTHERFUCKERS ARE

THE UNDISPUTED CHAMPS OF DRINKING.

Y'ALL DRINK TILL Y'ALL FALL THE FUCK OUT.

AND I KNOW WHEN Y'ALL GET GOOD AND DRUNK,

'CAUSE THERE'S THAT NOISE Y'ALL MAKE-- "WHOO!"

DON'T DO THAT. THAT SCARES BLACK FOLK.

THERE'S A LOT OF BAD HISTORY BEHIND THAT NOISE.

BLACK PEOPLE, WE HEAR "WHOO,"

WE START LOOKING OUT FOR PICKUP TRUCKS-- WHERE THE FUCK THEY AT?

THAT'S WHY I DON'T LIKE FUCKING WITH EARL-- HE PLAYS TOO MUCH.

I'M SERIOUS. A PARTY AIN'T A PARTY TO Y'ALL

TILL THE FUCKING COPS SHOW UP.

AND BLACK PEOPLE, Y'ALL KNOW, WE SEE THE POLICE-- PARTY OVER.

WHITE PEOPLE, Y'ALL HAVE A FREEDOM WE JUST DON'T HAVE.

Y'ALL SEE THE POLICE-- Y'ALL GET BRAVER.

"DUDE, WHAT'S YOUR FUCKING BADGE NUMBER AND YOUR NAME?

NO, DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME. WHAT IF I FUCKING TOUCH YOU?

NO, YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP AND MOVE ALONG.

ARIES, WHY ARE YOU CRYING? RELAX.

DO YOU KNOW WHO MY DAD IS? I'LL SUE, I SWEAR TO GOD.

GET THE FUCK GOING."

BLACK PEOPLE, WE'D BE IN THE BACK DOING SIGN LANGUAGE--

"MM, NIGGA, MM."

ANY BLACK PEOPLE THAT HANG OUT WITH WHITE PEOPLE IN A GROUP,

MAKE SURE IF Y'ALL GO OUT DRINKING IN A GROUP,

GO WITH THEM WHEN THEY ORDER DRINKS.

'CAUSE Y'ALL LIKE TO ANOINT SOMEBODY THE DESIGNATED DRINK ORDERER.

ANYTIME I HANG OUT WITH MY WHITE FRIENDS, WHEN THEY GET UP FROM THE TABLE

AND GO TO THE BAR TO GET A ROUND, I FOLLOW RIGHT BEHIND THEIR ASS.

'CAUSE Y'ALL LIKE TO GO ORDER DRINKS AND THEN BRING IT BACK TO US

LIKE IT'S A TOP C.I.A. SECRET.

AS SOON AS YOU HAND ME THE DRINK, I GO, "MAN, WHAT THE FUCK IS IN THIS?"

"DUDE, DON'T WORRY. DON'T ASK.

JUST FUCKING CHUG IT."

20 MINUTES LATER I'M BUCK NAKED WITH A COWBOY HAT ON--

"WHOO!

I FUCKING LOVE YOU, BRAD.

HEY, JUST FOR FUN LET'S GO HANG SOME NIGGAS."

MM-MM, LET'S KEEP IT SAFE.

SO ARE WE STILL EXCITED ABOUT BARACK OBAMA?

( cheering )

SEE, EVERY BLACK PERSON IN HERE SHOULD BE CLAPPING.

'CAUSE WE GOT TO RIDE THAT NIGGA TILL THE WHEELS FALL OFF.

YOU KNOW, IF THAT SHIT DON'T WORK, THE MINUTE WE GO TO WORK

WHITE FOLKS IS LOOKING AT US LIKE, "HMM?

YOU PICKED HIM."

I CAN'T WAIT TILL HE RUNS FOR HIS SECOND TERM, MAN.

'CAUSE THAT WAS THE MOST EXCITING PART ABOUT THE POLITICAL PROCESS

TO ME, WAS THE CAMPAIGN. 'CAUSE YOU KNEW AT SOME POINT

HE WAS SUPPOSED TO WIN. HE HAD ALL THE RIGHT INGREDIENTS

THAT CAME TOGETHER AT THE RIGHT TIME. HE'S TALL, GOOD-LOOKING,

ARTICULATE, HIGHLY INTELLIGENT,

YOU KNOW, SMOOTH UNDER PRESSURE, CHARISMATIC.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, HE WAS THE RIGHT SHADE.

HE MADE WHITE PEOPLE FEEL COMFORTABLE.

'CAUSE Y'ALL KNOW IF THAT NIGGA WAS BERNIE MAC BLACK

OR PRECIOUS PURPLE, HE WOULDN'T HAVE WON.

HE'S LIKE COFFEE WITH CREAM, IT GOES DOWN EASY.

YOU EVER HAD COFFEE BLACK? IT'S TOO STRONG.

YOU'D BE LIKE, "OOH."

AMERICA IS NOT READY FOR "OOH." THEY'RE NOT READY YET.

AND HE HAD 97% OF THE BLACK VOTE-- 97%.

WHICH MEANS HE HAD BLACK PEOPLE ON LOCK.

WE WERE LIKE A HAND AND A GLOVE. WE WERE TIED TOGETHER.

BUT HE STILL COULDN'T BECOME PRESIDENT WITHOUT WHITE PEOPLE.

SO FOR THE WHITE PEOPLE THAT VOTED FOR HIM,

I THANK YOU, BECAUSE YOU HELPED MAKE HISTORY.

BUT SOME OF Y'ALL ARE STARTING TO GET A LITTLE IMPATIENT.

AND YOUR RACISM IS SEEPING OUT A LITTLE BIT.

YOU SAY SHIT WHEN YOU'RE FRUSTRATED--

"I THOUGHT YOU NIGGAS WERE FAST. WHAT'S TAKING SO LONG?"

IT TOOK EIGHT YEARS TO FUCK THIS COUNTRY UP.

IT'S GONNA TAKE A SECOND TO GET IT TOGETHER. RELAX.

HE'S GOT A LOT OF TOUGH SHIT HE'S GOT TO DEAL WITH, MAN.

LIKE THE BIG CONTROVERSY RIGHT NOW-- THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT THAT MOSQUE

NEAR SEPTEMBER 11. A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE UPSET ABOUT THAT.

SEPTEMBER 11 JUST ROLLED AROUND.

EVERY YEAR WE GOTTA RELIVE THAT BULLSHIT.

BUT THERE WAS A BRIGHT SIDE, MAN.

SEPTEMBER 11 BLACKS AND WHITES CAME TOGETHER LIKE NEVER BEFORE.

'CAUSE AFTER SEPTEMBER 11 ARABS TOOK ALL THE PRESSURE OFF US.

I'M TELLING YOU, THEY HAD NEW NIGGAS. IT'S AMAZING.

I GET ON THE PLANE NOW, WHITE PEOPLE, Y'ALL BE HAPPY TO SEE US.

"DUDE, BRO, COME HERE.

HERE, SIT NEXT TO ME, MAN, RIGHT HERE.

HERE, HOLD MY DAUGHTER.

I LOVE YOU, NIGGA. COME HERE.

WE GOTTA WATCH OUT FOR THOSE FUCKERS,

FOR SHIZZLE, NIZZLE. HUH?"

WE'VE BONDED NOW. THAT'S GOOD.

AND I REALIZE CERTAIN ASPECTS OF THAT SHIT JUST AFFECTED PEOPLE DIFFERENTLY.

LIKE WHEN THE ANTHRAX THING HAPPENED, WHITE PEOPLE, Y'ALL WAS VERY NERVOUS.

Y'ALL WOULD COME UP TO ME AT WORK AND WARN ME

LIKE, "OH MY GOD."

THAT'S HOW WHITE PEOPLE GET WHEN THEY GET DRAMATIC--

"OH MY GOD. ARIES, BE CAREFUL.

DON'T OPEN YOUR MAIL."

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING-- BLACK PEOPLE WAS NEVER WORRIED ABOUT ANTHRAX.

'CAUSE Y'ALL KNOW HALF THE TIME WE DON'T OPEN OUR MAIL NO WAY.

WE THINK THAT SHIT IS A BILL. WE MIGHT HOLD IT TO THE LIGHT

LIKE, "NO, THAT'S A RENT NOTICE.

FUCK THAT."

YOU WANT TO GET US WITH AN ANTHRAX, PUT THAT SHIT IN A JAY-Z CD

THAT'S HOW YOU GET US. "I GOT THE NEW JIGGA--

OH SHIT.

OSAMA GOT ME. MOTHERFUCKER.

TRACK 12, NIGGA. BE CAREFUL. TRACK 12."

IT'S THE ONLY WAY.

AND I'M ORIGINALLY FROM HERE, BUT I LIVE IN L.A.

AND I WAS IN L.A. WHEN THAT WHOLE THING WENT DOWN.

IT WAS CRAZY, BECAUSE MY PEOPLE FROM BACK EAST CALLED ME, SAID,

"MAN, TURN ON THE TV. A PLANE WAS TAKEN OVER-- A HOSTAGE SITUATION."

AND I'VE SEEN THE MOVIES. SO WHEN I HEARD "HOSTAGE SITUATION,"

I'M THINKING BIG-ASS GUNS AND BOMBS WAS USED.

THEY SAID, "HOMEMADE KNIVES."

DO YOU KNOW WHAT A HOMEMADE KNIFE IS CALLED?

A SHANK.

IT'S A PRISON WEAPON. WE INVENTED THAT SHIT.

SO I KNOW IT COULDN'T HAVE BEEN A PLANE FULL OF A BUNCH OF IGNORANT NIGGERS.

THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A DIFFERENT PHONE CALL

LIKE, "OSAMA, WE WERE TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE PLANE.

AS SOON AS WE PULL OUT KNIFE ALL THE NIGGAS SAY, 'OH NO YOU DIDN'T.'

I GOT TO GO. I CALL YOU BACK. ( imitates Arabic )

( snorts, hacks ) ALLAH!"

( ululates )

BROTHERS WOULD HAVE CALLED AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL LIKE,

"YEAH, THIS TYRONE. THEY TRIED TO GET US WITH KNIVES.

( laughing loudly )

OH NO, WE WHUPPED THEIR ASS, BUT WHERE THE MANUAL AT?

I GOT TO LAND THIS MOTHERFUCKER.

I GOT TO GET BACK TO BROOKLYN. I GOT SHIT TO DO."

AND I GET TIRED OF THEM FUCKING WITH ME AT THE AIRPORT.

WHY I GOTTA BE THE ONE RANDOMLY SELECTED

TO HAVE MY SHIT SEARCHED?

I EVEN GET MAD FOR WHITE PEOPLE WHEN THEY SEARCH Y'ALL'S SHIT.

'CAUSE AGAIN, I KNOW IT'S GONNA SOUND A LITTLE BIT RACIST, BUT LET'S BE REAL--

BLACK PEOPLE, WHITE PEOPLE, ASIANS, LATINOS--

WE'RE NOT KNOWN FOR BLOWING SHIT UP.

BLACK PEOPLE-- WE HAVE SPECIFIC CRIMES.

( laughter )

WE DO SHIT LIKE ROB A 7-ELEVEN

AND KILL EVERYBODY IN THAT MOTHERFUCKER

FOR $4.80,

A BAG OF DORITOS AND A PACK OF NEWPORTS.

THAT'S NIGGA SHIT. YOU WANT TO SEARCH SOMEBODY,

SEARCH THAT MOTHERFUCKER WHOSE NAME SOUNDS LIKE PUBIC HAIR

CAUGHT IN YOUR ESOPHAGUS-- ( hacks )

--AND LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. I'M NOT TRYING TO BLOW SHIT UP.

I'M TRYING TO SMOKE A JOINT, PLAY X-BOX AND RUB ONE OUT.

THAT'S WHAT THE FUCK I'M TRYING TO DO.

'CAUSE TRUST ME, WHEN I EXPLODE, THIS IS THE BOMB RIGHT HERE.

I BE WALKING AROUND THE HOUSE TERRORIZING SHIT.

I'MA BLOW UP THE PUPPY.

THIS RACISM SHIT IS AFFECTING EVERY ASPECT OF LIFE.

EVEN MY BUSINESS-- THE MOVIE BUSINESS.

LIKE THERE'S CERTAIN MOVIE ROLES BLACK PEOPLE-- WE JUST DON'T GET A LOT OF.

LIKE I'VE NOTICED SINCE THE LATE '90s HORROR MOVIES MADE A HELL OF A COMEBACK.

WHITE PEOPLE, Y'ALL GET ALL THE HORROR FLICKS.

Y'ALL GET THE "CHUCKY"

AND "I KNOW ABOUT THE LAST WEEK" AND ALL THAT SHIT.

I USED TO GET MAD AND SAY, "HOW COME YOU DON'T SEE BLACK PEOPLE IN HORROR MOVIES?"

THEN I PUT IT TOGETHER-- YOU CAN'T MAKE HORROR MOVIES WITH US

'CAUSE IT AIN'T GONNA BE A MOVIE. IT'S GONNA BE A FUCKING COMMERCIAL.

BLACK PEOPLE, Y'ALL KNOW WE DON'T FUCK AROUND.

WE COULD BE HAVING A PARTY IN THE WOODS JAMMING.

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK HOW LOUD THE MUSIC IS, HOW MUCH FUN WE'RE HAVING,

IF WE HEAR SOME SHIT THAT DON'T SOUND RIGHT,

IT'LL CUT THROUGH ALL THAT SHIT.

WE'D BE OUT THERE DANCING LIKE,

"WHOO! THIS SHIT IS HOT. HA HA!"

( imitates rustling ) "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?"

"I DON'T KNOW, NIGGA, BUT WE GOTTA PACK IT UP AND ROLL.

THIS SHIT DON'T--"

WHITE PEOPLE, Y'ALL CAN BE OUT THERE DANCING.

Y'ALL DANCE LIKE TWO-YEAR-OLD BLACK BABIES.

Y'ALL HEAR SOME SHIT-- "WHAT WAS THAT?"

"I DON'T KNOW. LET'S GO CHECK IT OUT."

AND WHY DO WHITE WOMEN FALL WHEN Y'ALL RUN?

WHAT'S THAT SHIT ABOUT? EVERY TIME--

"OH MY GOD."

A BLACK WOMAN HEARS SOMETHING-- SHE TAKES OFF THE PUMPS

AND PUTS ON AIR JORDANS.

SHE MIGHT START OUT RUNNING, BUT THAT BITCH'S GONNA TURN INTO NASCAR,

LIKE, "WHOOSH."

WHITE GUYS ARE FAITHFUL.

YOUR LADIES FALL-- Y'ALL GO BACK.

( audience groans )

BLACK WOMEN, WE LOVE YOU, BUT IF YOU FALL,

FUCK IT.

WE MIGHT TRY AND COME BACK FOR YOU, LIKE, "OH MY GOD."

( growls ) "BITCH, COME ON!

THAT BITCH IS GONE, DAWG.

GODDAMN, THAT WAS SOME GOOD PUSSY TOO."

LADIES, WORK ON YOUR TIMING. THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

YOU KNOW, A REAL BLACK WOMAN WOULD BE WAITING FOR YOU AT THE CAR

FILING HER FINGERNAILS-- "NIGGA, WHERE WAS YOU?

YOU SAID, 'COME ON,' SO I COME ON."

I'M ACTUALLY ON A MISSION, MAN, YOU KNOW.

LIKE I DON'T EVEN THINK COMEDY IS MY CALLING IN LIFE.

I THINK I'M MEANT FOR SOMETHING GREATER.

LIKE I HAD A VISION THE OTHER NIGHT. IT CAME TO ME.

I THINK MY MISSION IN LIFE IS TO HELP WHITE PEOPLE.

LIKE REALLY, I WANT TO FEEL COMFORTABLE ENOUGH

TO WALK IN YOUR HOUSE UNANNOUNCED

AT 3:00 IN THE MORNING.

JUST WAKE YOU UP AND GO, "COME WITH ME."

LIKE COMICS, WE DON'T DO SHIT WHEN WE'RE ON THE ROAD

EXCEPT STAY IN A HOTEL ROOM AND WATCH TV.

AND I'M FLIPPING THROUGH SOME OF THE STATIONS

AND I'M WATCHING THESE PROGRAMS LIKE "OPRAH" AND "PHIL."

AND I'M SEEING SOME OF Y'ALL'S KIDS ARE OUT OF FUCKING CONTROL.

I REALLY WANT TO ASK WHITE PEOPLE-- I'VE ALWAYS BEEN CURIOUS--

WHY DON'T Y'ALL JUST BEAT YOUR KIDS, MAN?

BEAT 'EM. WHUP THEIR MOTHERFUCKING ASS.

Y'ALL GIVE YOUR KIDS ALL KINDS OF TIMEOUTS AND SPECIAL PLACES.

WHAT THE FUCK IS A SPECIAL PLACE?

TO A BLACK CHILD THAT'S A COMA.

WHAT IS A SPECIAL PLACE?

BLACK KIDS DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT TIMEOUTS.

WE KNOW ABOUT GETTING KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT, THAT'S IT.

MY MOTHER USED TO SLAP THE SHIT OUT OF ME IN PUBLIC

AND I WOULD LOOK AT PEOPLE FOR HELP.

LIKE, "SHUT UP."

( gasps )

WHITE PEOPLE FELT MY PAIN-- "OH MY GOD.

SHE JUST STRUCK HER CHILD."

BLACK PEOPLE SEE BLACK KIDS GET HIT, WE BE LIKE,

"HA HA.

GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER."

BLACK PEOPLE WILL BEAT OTHER PEOPLE'S KIDS IF THEY'RE FUCKING UP TOO BAD.

LIKE, "MISS, YOU NEED TO WHUP THIS UGLY MOTHERFUCKER.

PUT THAT SHIT DOWN! HERE'S MY WEBSITE, EMAIL, HOME ADDRESS.

CALL ME. I'LL FUCK HIM UP ANYTIME YOU NEED.

YOU AIN'T GOT TO KILL HIM. JUST WATCH HIM TURN RED.

JUST PUT THIS MOTHERFUCKER--

JUST CHOKE HIM OUT."

YOU KNOW WHAT I FOUND OUT GROWING UP-- TOTALLY SHOCKED ME?

WHITE KIDS ARE JUST AS SHOCKED TO FIND OUT BLACK KIDS DON'T TALK BACK TO THEIR PARENTS

AS WE ARE WHEN WE HEAR THEM TALK BACK TO THEIRS. I USED TO HAVE A LITTLE BUDDY

WOULD COME OVER TO MY HOUSE ON THE WEEKENDS-- LITTLE NATE.

WE'D BE IN MY ROOM PLAYING VIDEO GAMES. MY MOTHER USED TO

COME IN THE ROOM UNANNOUNCED, CUSS ME OUT FOR NO REASON.

JUST SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF BOTH OF US.

WE'D BE IN THE ROOM PLAYING "MARIO BROTHERS."

SHE'D COME, KICK OPEN THE DOOR LIKE S.W.A.T.

WE'D BE ON LEVEL 4. SHE'D JUST--

"ARIES, HOW MANY TIMES I TOLD YOU TO CLEAN THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOM?

CUT THAT GODDAMN GAME OFF AND CLEAN THIS ROOM.

I COME BACK, THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOM AIN'T CLEAN, I'MA TAKE THAT NINTENDO CORD,

WRAP IT AROUND YOUR NECK AND STICK IT YOUR ASS.

NIGGA, I AIN'T PLAYING WITH YOU. THIS AIN'T NO THREAT.

THIS IS A PROMISE. TRY ME, MOTHERFUCKER. TRY ME."

MY WHITE FRIEND WOULD TURN TO ME OFFENDED

LIKE, "DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK?

SHE CAN'T DO THAT, MAN. THIS IS YOUR SPACE.

THIS IS YOUR AREA.

SHE'S VIOLATING YOUR RIGHT TO PRIVACY.

YOU SHOULD SAY SOMETHING.

YOU WANT ME TO GO SAY SOMETHING?"

I'D BE SO SCARED, I'D START TALKING TO HIM

LIKE A SLAVE FROM "ROOTS," LIKE,

"YOU'S GON' GET MES IN TROUBLES.

I LIKE YOU, NATE, I REALLY DOS,

BUT MY PARENTS IS GOOD BLACK FOLK.

THEY GIVES ME FOOD. THEY GIVES ME SLEEPS.

NOW YOU GET AWAY FROM ROUND HERE

WITH THAT FOOLISHNESS. GO ON, GET FROM HERE."

( humming )

♪ O LORD. ♪

MY MOTHER SMACKED THE SHIT OUT OF THE WHITE BOY, HE TURNED INTO ME--

♪ WADE IN THE WATER. ♪

MY MOTHER WAS A CHAMP AT WHUPPING ASS TOO, MAN.

SHE HAD A GOLD BELT AND EVERYTHING.

I REMEMBER ONE TIME I STOLE A BIKE

AND SHE HAD TO LEAVE HER JOB TO GET ME OUT OF JAIL.

YOU KNOW, YOU GROW UP IN A SINGLE-PARENT HOUSEHOLD WITH A BLACK WOMAN

AND SHE'S GOT TO LEAVE WORK TO GET YOU OUT--

I KNEW I WAS GOING TO THAT SPECIAL PLACE.

I KNEW THAT ASS-WHUPPING WAS SERIOUS,

'CAUSE WHEN WE GOT HOME, SHE TOOK HER WORK CLOTHES OFF

AND PUT ON A JOGGING SUIT AND HEADBAND.

LIKE WHAT KIND OF ASS-WHUPPING IS THAT

THAT YOU'RE PREPARED TO SWEAT?

SHE HAD A STOPWATCH AND A BOTTLE OF GATORADE WITH THE BELT.

I SAID, "AT SOME POINT THIS BITCH IS FITTING TO REFUEL

ON THIS ASS-WHUPPING."

I THINK MY MOTHER TOOK SPECIAL JOY OUT OF FUCKING ME UP TOO, MAN.

'CAUSE SHE CAME UP WITH UNCONVENTIONAL METHODS OF WHUPPING ASS--

SHIT THAT I KNEW FAR EXCEEDED NORMAL AND NECESSARY.

LIKE I REMEMBER ONE TIME SHE WOKE ME UP OUT OF MY SLEEP

AT 3:00 IN THE MORNING. YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE BEEN WOKEN UP OUT OF YOUR SLEEP,

YOU KNOW WHEN THAT LIGHT HITS YOU, IT TAKES YOU A SECOND TO GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.

YOU'D BE DISCOMBOBULATED. AND I'M EIGHT.

SHE CAME IN, KICKED US OUT OF THE BED.

"NIGGA, GET THE FUCK UP.

YOU THOUGHT I FORGOT ABOUT THAT SHIT YOU DID EARLIER.

YOU'RE GONNA GO AND GET SUSPENDED FROM THAT PRIVATE SCHOOL

WHERE I MAKE ALL THAT MONEY AND WORK TWO HARD JOBS, AND YOU'RE GONNA GET SUSPENDED

BY TELLING THE TEACHER TO SUCK YOUR DICK?

HERE, PUT THIS ON." AND SHE THREW SOME BOXING HEAD GEAR AT ME.

YOU KNOW THAT LEATHER HELMET BOXERS BE WEARING FOR PRACTICE FIGHTS?

I'M LIKE, "MOM, WHY AM I PUTTING ON BOXER HEAD GEAR?"

SHE SAID, "'CAUSE I'MA HIT YOUR HEAD WITH A PIPE

AND I DON'T WANT TO KILL YOU.

'CAUSE YOU'RE MY BABY. I LOVE YOU."

I'VE JUST ALWAYS BEEN ENVIOUS

OF THE RELATIONSHIP THE WHITE PARENTS HAVE WITH YOUR KIDS, MAN.

YOU GUYS ACTUALLY HAVE A DEMOCRACY IN YOUR HOUSEHOLD.

YOU ACTUALLY CARE... ( laughs )

ABOUT YOUR KIDS' OPINIONS.

WHICH IS WHY YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND

WHY THEY RUN RAMPANT OVER YOU AT THE SAME TIME.

I GREW UP WITH A LOT OF WHITE KIDS.

I'D HEAR THEIR PARENTS COMPLAIN TO MINE.

IT WAS ALWAYS THE SAME ARGUMENT.

"I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY MY CHILD TALKS TO ME THIS WAY--

SUCH DISRESPECT. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I'M AT MY WIT'S END."

THE PROBLEM IS A LOT OF YOU GUYS PUT YOUR KIDS ON THE SAME LEVEL AS YOU.

YOU CONSIDER THEM YOUR CONTEMPORARIES.

HOW YOU PUT SOMEBODY ON THE SAME LEVEL AS YOU

THAT CAN'T PAY THE RENT OR THE MORTGAGE,

PUT FOOD IN THE REFRIGERATOR OR KEEP THE FUCKING LIGHTS ON?

THEY'RE NOT YOUR CONTEMPORARIES. THEY'RE YOUR KIDS.

MORAL OF THE STORY-- BEAT THEIR MOTHERFUCKING ASS.

THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT PAIN

THAT MAKES MOTHERFUCKERS LISTEN.

LIKE I JUST SAW THIS SHOW "THE NANNY."

I COULD NOT BELIEVE THIS SHIT EXISTS.

Y'ALL HAVE FLOWN AN ENGLISH BITCH IN

TO TELL YOU HOW TO DEAL WITH YOUR KIDS.

AND SHE ALWAYS HAS SOME PROFOUND SHIT TO SAY.

"YOU MUST IGNORE THE CHILD'S BEHAVIOR BUT NOT THE CHILD."

GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

THEY SHOULD REDO THAT SHOW, CALL IT "THE NIGGA NANNY."

IT'D BE THREE MINUTES LONG.

SHE'D SHOW UP TO THE DOOR, BOOM-BOOM, "WHERE'S THE MOTHERFUCKER AT?"

POW! SHOW OVER. THEME SONG--

♪ NIGGA NANNY. ♪ THAT'S IT.

NO COMMERCIAL BREAKS. ONE EPISODE, IT'S OVER.

THERE'S GONNA BE SOME WHITE PEOPLE DRIVING HOME SINGING THAT SHIT--

♪ NIGGA NANNY. ♪

"ROLL THE WINDOWS UP. I'M IN THE MOOD."

- WHERE THE WEED SMOKERS AT? - ( cheering )

FUCK THAT. Y'ALL ARE COPS.

THAT WAS A TEST. REAL WEED SMOKERS DON'T YELL OUT.

WE GOT CODES.

I LIKE SMOKING WEED. YOU KNOW WHAT'S COOL ABOUT SMOKING WEED?

IT MAKES YOU THINK ABOUT SHIT YOU NORMALLY WOULDN'T THINK ABOUT.

LIKE I WAS SITTING AROUND THE HOUSE SMOKING WEED

AND I GOT TO THINKING, "IS IT POSSIBLE

FOR A MALE MIDGET--"

YOU GOTTA BE HIGH TO BE THINKING ABOUT MIDGETS.

I SAID, "IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A MALE MIDGET

TO HAVE A REAL BIG DICK?"

LIKE I AIN'T ON NO GAY SHIT, BUT EVERYTHING ON A MIDGET BE TINY.

YOU EVER SEE THEIR FINGERS? THEY LOOK LIKE THEM LITTLE ORANGE BABY CARROTS.

YOU EVER SEE? BUT COULD A MIDGET

ACTUALLY HAVE SOME SHIT LIKE THIS?

AND I ACTUALLY KNOW FAMOUS MIDGET PEOPLE.

LIKE I'M GOOD FRIENDS WITH LITTLE WEBSTER.

I GOT HIS NUMBER ON MY CELL PHONE.

I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT I GOT THE SHIT.

AND I WAS HANGING OUT WITH LITTLE WEBSTER ONE TIME

AND HE TOLD ME SOME SHIT THAT BLEW MY MIND.

HE SAYS WHEN HE HAS SEX HE DON'T LIKE FUCKING WOMEN HIS SIZE.

HE LIKES TO FUCK NORMAL-SIZE WOMEN.

AND I WAS SITTING AROUND THE HOUSE SMOKING WEED

AND I GOT TO THINKING, IF LITTLE WEBSTER

WAS FUCKING A GROWN-SIZE WOMAN DOGGY-STYLE...

( laughs )

IS HE ACTUALLY STANDING UP IN THE BED?

YOU GET A WOMAN ON ALL FOURS ON A MATTRESS,

YOUR FEET FLAT-- IS HE STANDING STRAIGHT UP ON THE MATT--?

LIKE IF YOU WALKED IN OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT,

YOUR INSTINCT WOULD BE TO LEAVE,

BUT YOU'LL CHECK THAT SHIT OUT FOR A HOT SECOND.

YOU WALK IN LIKE, "OH SHIT, I'M SORRY.

NIGGA, LOOK AT THIS. THIS IS CRAZY.

NO, HE'S STANDING ON A NIKE SHOEBOX.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS SHIT."

AND I DON'T THINK WE VALUE MIDGETS ENOUGH.

I THINK WE TAKE THEM FOR GRANTED.

'CAUSE I DON'T GIVE A FUCK HOW BAD YOUR DAY IS,

YOU SEE A MIDGET, YOU PERK UP.

'CAUSE WHEN YOU LEAVE YOUR HOUSE, YOU'RE NOT GUARANTEED

TO HAVE A MIDGET SIGHTING. YOU'RE NOT GUARANTEED.

HOW OFTEN DO YOU LEAVE YOUR HOUSE

AND SPOT A MIDGET? IT'S RARE.

YOU COULD BE HAVING THE WORST DAY IN THE WORLD.

YOU SEE A MIDGET, YOU'RE LIKE, "OH SHIT, A MIDGET."

AND WHEN THERE IS A MIDGET SIGHTING, IT'S ALWAYS ONE.

YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A PACK OF MIDGETS. YOU'VE NEVER SEEN THAT.

I REMEMBER ONE TIME I SAW 15 MIDGETS WALKING DOWN THE STREET.

I HAD A TASTE FOR HOT WINGS ALL OF A SUDDEN.

THEY'RE LIKE THE LITTLE DRUMETTE PIECE.

THEY'RE LIKE THE SMALL-- OKAY.

I REMEMBER I TOLD THAT JOKE ONE TIME

AND THERE WAS AN ACTUAL MIDGET IN THE CROWD.

HE GOT PISSED OFF. HE SAID SOME SHIT, FUCKED MY WHOLE NIGHT UP.

HE WAS LIKE, "NIGGA, WATCH YOUR NUTS." I WAS LIKE, "WHAT?"

LIKE I'VE HAD TO WATCH MY BACK A FEW TIMES,

BUT I HAVE NEVER HAD TO WATCH MY NUTS.

I WAS SCARED. I WENT STRAIGHT HOME.

MY GIRL WAS LIKE, "I THOUGHT YOU WAS WITH YOUR BOYS."

I SAID, "A MIDGET TOLD ME TO WATCH MY NUTS."

I'M SERIOUS. I FILED A POLICE REPORT AND EVERYTHING.

I'M LIKE, "HE'S ABOUT THIS HIGH.

HE HAD ON OSHKOSH B'GOSH

AND A LITTLE PROPELLER HAT.

THE MOTHERFUCKER NIPPED ME ON THE WAY-- IT WAS TERRIBLE."

LIKE I SAID, I DON'T DRINK WITH WHITE PEOPLE

AND I DON'T SMOKE WEED WITH ASIANS.

AGAIN, NOT THAT I GOT ANYTHING AGAINST ASIAN PEOPLE.

IT'S JUST Y'ALL FUCK UP MY HIGH, MAN.

'CAUSE WHEN YOU SMOKE WEED THE POINT IS TO BE IN A HAPPY PLACE.

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THINKING ABOUT TRAUMATIC SHIT.

EVERY TIME I SMOKE WEED WITH MY ASIAN FRIENDS,

I BE THINKING, "THEM MOTHERFUCKERS ARE DEAD."

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU SMOKE YOUR EYES CLOSE A LITTLE BIT.

AND THEY'RE 3/4 OF THE WAY THERE.

THAT SHIT BE CONFUSING.

I'D BE THREE HITS IN. I'D BE LIKE, "SHANG LEE!"

"NIGGA, I'M UP. I'M JUST HIGH."

I SAID, "ALL RIGHT, WELL, DO LIKE THIS EVERY FIVE MINUTES OR SOMETHING."

IT'S FUCKING CONFUSING.

I LIKE TO SMOKE WEED

AND WATCH "NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC,"

'CAUSE I LIKE THE NATURE CHANNEL.

LIKE I WANT TO GO TO AFRICA ONE DAY, GO ON A SAFARI.

SEE THE ANIMALS IN THEIR NATURAL HABITAT.

BUT THE DIFFERENCE US AND Y'ALL IS

WE STAY IN THE TRUCK.

WHITE PEOPLE, Y'ALL GOT SOME SHIT CALLED "UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL."

IT'S AMAZING TOO, BECAUSE BLACK PEOPLE--

WE JUST KNOW CERTAIN SHIT, YOU KNOW.

LIKE WHITE PEOPLE, THAT'S WHY I STUDY Y'ALL, ENVY Y'ALL.

I'M ENVIOUS OF Y'ALL. Y'ALL ARE A RACE--

Y'ALL DO WHATEVER THE FUCK Y'ALL WANT TO DO.

YOU KNOW, Y'ALL ARE FREE.

YOU'RE THE ONLY RACE OF PEOPLE THAT COULD LOOK AT A WILD LION AND GO,

"I CAN BE FRIENDS WITH THAT."

THAT'S WHY Y'ALL ARE ALWAYS ON "WHEN ANIMALS ATTACK."

YOU WILL NEVER SEE BLACK PEOPLE

ON "WHEN ANIMALS ATTACK."

YOU MIGHT SEE US ON "WHEN COPS ATTACK,"

BUT YOU WILL NEVER SEE US ON "WHEN ANIMALS ATTACK."

Y'ALL WILL DO SHIT LIKE TRANQUILIZE A LION

AND HOLD THAT MOTHERFUCKER TILL HE WAKE UP.

AND THAT BE HEAVY SHIT TO Y'ALL.

Y'ALL BE IN THE CAMERA-- ( panting )

"WELL, MY PARTNER BOB AND I--

WE'VE BEEN TRACKING THIS PARTICULAR BEAST FOR QUITE SOME TIME.

HER NAME IS UTULU. SHE'S SIX MONTHS OLD.

WE JUST SHOT HER WITH 5cc OF TETRACORTILENE DARTS.

WHEN SHE GETS UP, SHE IS GONNA BE FUCKING PISSED.

OH MY GOD, BOB, DO YOU FEEL YOUR HEART POUNDING?

THIS IS AMAZING. OH MY GOD, SHE'S GETTING UP.

( growls ) OH, SHE MAULED ME.

WHAT AN EXPERIENCE.

THE AFRICANS DON'T BE OUT THERE FUCKING WITH THE LIONS.

THEY ASK THEM, "MR. MUTUMBU, WHY YOU DON'T PLAY WITH THE LIONS?"

"I'M NOT FUCKING WITH THAT MOTHERFUCKER.

FUCK HIM AND FUCK YOU.

THAT SHIT IS NOT IN THE BROCHURE. I'M NOT DOING THAT SHIT.

WHEN MY SHIFT IS OVER, I WANT TO GO HOME TO MY CHILDREN

MUNGULU, MUNGALA AND OOF OOF OOF OOF.

I CAN'T DO IT FUCKING WITH THAT.

WHEN THIS SHIT RRARR, YOU'D BETTER COME.

I WILL LEAVE YOU IN THE CAR."

( imitates African singing )

AIN'T NO AFRICAN PEOPLE HERE, IS THERE?

ARE YOU AFRICAN, DAWG? MY BAD.

I DON'T WANT TO PISS YOU OFF AND YOU'RE--

"MOTHERFUCKER." ( blows air )

YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUCKED UP?

AFRICAN PEOPLE DON'T LIKE BLACK PEOPLE.

Y'ALL KNOW THEY TREAT US LIKE SHIT.

THEY TALK DOWN TO US. THEY THINK THEY'RE BETTER THAN US.

AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

'CAUSE WE'RE FROM THE SAME TRIBE KIND OF.

THEY LIKE WHITE PEOPLE THOUGH. THEY TREAT Y'ALL LIKE FAMILY.

AS SOON AS Y'ALL COME AROUND, THEY GET EXCITED.

"EXCUSE ME, MR. WHITE MAN,

THANK YOU FOR BRINGING US HERE. WE LOVE YOU."

♪ YEAH, THE WHITE MAN. ♪ ( kisses )

AS SOON AS THEY SEE US, THEY GET ATTITUDE. "HEY, HOW ARE YOU DOING?"

( clicks tongue ) "THIS NIGGA.

WE DON'T LIKE THE BLACK MAN IN AMERICA.

MOTHERFUCKER, YOU DON'T WORK. YOU DON'T DO SHIT.

WE DON'T LIKE YOU, YOU BLACK MOTHERFUCKER."

LIKE, WHO ARE YOU CALLING BLACK, MOTHERFUCKER?

I'M BROWN. YOU'RE MIDNIGHT. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU CALLING BLACK?

LIKE, NIGGA, IF YOU STOOD UP AGAINST A BUILDING

YOU'D LOOK LIKE AN ALLEY. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU CALLING BLACK?

THIS SHIT IS UNJUST.

AFRICAN MEN DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY WHEN THEY COME TO AMERICA

THEY HAVE A HARD TIME GETTING AMERICAN PUSSY.

YOU CAN'T BE THAT AGGRESSIVE WITH AMERICAN WOMEN,

ESPECIALLY BLACK WOMEN. YOU GOTTA KNOW HOW TO TALK.

YOU GOTTA COME CORRECT. 'CAUSE IN AFRICA THEY'RE USED TO HAVING THEIR WAY.

THEY GOT 15 WIVES AND SHIT. AND AFRICAN WOMEN ARE VERY OBEDIENT.

THEY TELL THEIR WOMEN WHAT TO DO. IT'S NOT EVEN AN ISSUE.

"BITCH, WHEN I COME HOME, YOU--"

I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY DO THAT-- "YOU."

"YOU'D BETTER CLEAN THIS SHIT FROM THE FLOOR."

THEY BE IN THE CLUB STALKING WOMEN OUT HERE.

YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE THEM. THEY BE AS BLACK AS MY JACKET.

YOU JUST SEE THE YELLOW OF THE EYES FROM A DISTANCE,

LOOKING LIKE CONGO IN THE BUSH.

AS SOON AS YOU GO BUY YOUR DRINK, THEY JUMP OUT OF THE SHADOWS

AND SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU. "BITCH WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

COME HERE. DON'T RUN FROM ME.

( blows air )

YOU'RE GOING TO BE MY WIFE."

( imitates African singing )

THEY'RE HUNTERS. IT'S INSTINCT.

I THINK THAT'S THE KEY TO RACISM THOUGH.

YOU GOTTA BE WILLING TO INVEST IN OTHER PEOPLE'S CULTURES.

'CAUSE AT THE END OF THE DAY I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT COLOR YOU ARE.

EVERYBODY'S GOT SOMETHING TO BRING TO THE TABLE. AND LIFE IS SHORT, MAN.

SAMPLE THAT SHIT. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MIGHT BE MISSING.

WHY DEPRIVE YOURSELF OF A GREAT HUMAN EXPERIENCE

'CAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING MAD? IT'S RIDICULOUS.

THAT'S WHY I APPRECIATE A GOOD CULTURE. I APPRECIATE A GOOD ACCENT.

YOU GOT THE RIGHT ACCENT-- YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH A LOT OF SHIT.

YOU'D BE IN THE CLUB AND SAY SOMETHING FOUL TO A WOMAN IN AMERICAN ACCENT,

SHE MIGHT SLAP THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.

LIKE, "EXCUSE ME, BABY, I DON'T MEAN TO BOTHER YOU, BUT YOU GOT A PHAT ASS.

I'D LOVE TO TAKE YOU HOME AND FUCK THE SHIT OUT OF YOU."

( gasps ) "MOTHERFUCKER." PSHH!

ENGLISH ACCENT-- THAT JUST ROLLS OFF THE TONGUE DIFFERENT.

( Cockney accent ) "EXCUSE ME, I DON'T MEAN TO BOTHER YOU,

BUT I'D REALLY LOVE TO TAKE YOU BACK TO MY HOTEL

AND FUCK YOU DOGGY-STYLE FOR A LITTLE BIT. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?"

"MOTHERFUCKER, WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

THAT SHIT IS...

OH MY GOD.

SAY SOMETHING ELSE."

LADIES, YOU'RE LAUGHING.

SOME OF THE FELLOWS MIGHT TRY THAT ON THE WAY HOME.

"DID YOU HAVE A GOOD TIME AT THE COMEDY SHOW TONIGHT? DID YOUR REALLY?

AT THE NEXT LIGHT COULD YOU GIVE ME A LITTLE BIT OF A HEAD?

JUST A LITTLE BIT? I DON'T WANT MUCH.

I JUST WANT YOU TO POLISH ME KNOB, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?"

I AIN'T EVEN GONNA LIE-- I'LL USE THIS SHIT TO GET SOME PUSSY.

I'LL WALK UP TO A WOMAN AND SAY ANYTHING.

"EXCUSE ME, YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?"

"OH MY GOD, YOUR ACCENT IS BEAUTIFUL. WHERE ARE YOU FROM?"

I JUST MAKE SHIT UP. "McDONALDS, ENGLAND.

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF IT?

I LIVE RIGHT OFF EGG McMUFFIN LANE. HAVE YOU EVER HEARD?"

"OH MY GOD, GIRL, HE LIVES OFF EGG McMUFFIN."

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT ACCENT IS NOT SEXY,

IS THAT EAST INDIAN ACCENT. THAT 7-ELEVEN SHIT.

THAT TURBAN SHIT. THAT DOT, TOWEL SHIT.

LADIES, TRUST ME, YOU DO NOT THAT ON TOP OF YOU ON A SATURDAY NIGHT.

"I'M GOING TO GIVE IT TO YOU.

I KNOW YOU WANT IT, YOU DIRTY BITCH.

I KNOW YOU WANT IT.

I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU MY PAKISTANI BEEF,

YOU MOTHERFUCKER.

SAY MY NAME. SAY, 'PUMASANJI, PUMASANJI.'"

"UGH.

WHERE'S MY DRAWERS?

I'M SORRY, PUMASANJI. I'M JUST NOT FEELING IT."

'CAUSE IT'S HARD TO ASK A WOMAN FOR CERTAIN SEXUAL FAVORS.

LADIES, Y'ALL HAVE ADVANTAGES.

Y'ALL WANT A MAN TO DO SOMETHING NASTY TO Y'ALL,

YOU GOT ALL KINDS OF CUTE LITTLE SAYINGS AND SHIT Y'ALL USE.

"COULD YOU PLEASE GO DOWNTOWN?"

HOW DO YOU ASK A WOMAN TO GARGLE YOUR NUTS?

( East Indian accent ) "CAN YOU GARGLE MY NUTS?

PUT THEM IN YOUR MOUTH AND GRRRR?"

IT'S JUST NOT SEXY.

I DIDN'T SEE MY FIRST INDIAN TILL I WAS 15 YEARS OLD.

FUCKED ME UP. I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO MAKE OF HIM.

IT'S LIKE, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU?

I GREW UP AROUND BLACK PEOPLE AND WHITE PEOPLE.

I KNEW WHAT THAT WAS. I SAW AN INDIAN, I WAS LIKE,

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU? YOU GOT NIGGA'S SKIN BUT WHITE PEOPLE'S HAIR.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU?"

AND YOU CAN'T CALL THEM BLACK. THEY'RE AS DARK AS US, BUT THEY GET OFFENDED.

"HEY, BROTHER, HOW ARE YOU DOING?" "I'M NOT YOUR BROTHER.

DON'T CALL ME YOU. I AM NOT YOU."

THEY TALK ALL THAT SHIT TILL YOU PULL THE GUN OUT TO ROB THEM

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN WE'RE THE SAME. "GIVE ME YOUR MONEY, MOTHERFUCKER."

"BROTHER, DON'T DO THIS. WE ARE THE SAME.

PLEASE, YOU'RE CHOCOLATE. I'M PEANUT BUTTER.

WE ARE REESE'S PIECES.

WE COME TOGETHER. WE ARE THE SAME."

THAT'S WHAT I LOVE ABOUT COMING BACK TO NEW YORK--

IT'S THE CULTURE, MAN. LIKE THE FUCKING ITALIANS.

DO WE HAVE ANY ITALIANS IN HERE? ANY ITALIANS?

ARE YOU ITALIAN, BABY? I LOVE ITALIANS, MAN.

YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE ABOUT ITALIAN PEOPLE? ITALIAN PEOPLE WILL MAKE UP

CERTAIN WORDS AND PHRASES THAT ONLY THEY KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.

LIKE, YOU EVER HEARD AN ITALIAN PERSON SAY THIS PHRASE-- "HALF A FAG"?

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?

YOU COULD BE AROUND AN ITALIAN PERSON AND SAY SOME NORMAL SHIT LIKE,

"MAN, YOU KNOW WHAT, USUALLY ON THE WEEKENDS

ME AND MY GIRL GO OUT CLUBBING AND SHIT,

BUT WE DECIDED TO STAY IN THIS WEEKEND AND MAKE IT A BLOCKBUSTER NIGHT.

SO WE RENTED THIS MOVIE 'STEEL MAGNOLIAS.'

NOW I KNOW IT'S A CHICK FLICK, BUT I'M GONNA BE HONEST,

TOWARDS THE END I ACTUALLY CHOKED UP, CRIED A LITTLE BIT."

"WHOA, NOT FOR NOTHING,

YOU SOUND LIKE HALF A FAG."

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?

EVEN WHEN THEY EXPLAIN IT TO YOU,

THE MEANING MAKES LESS SENSE THAN THE TERM.

LIKE, "WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?" "I DON'T KNOW, YOU MEET A GUY IN A BAR,

YOU THROW BACK A COUPLE OF DRINKS. NEXT THING YOU KNOW,

YOU TAKE HIM TO THE BATHROOM, YOU PULL DOWN YOUR TROUSERS,

YOU PULL OUT YOUR COCK, YOU SHOVE IT HALFWAY DOWN HIS THROAT.

SOMEWHERE IN THE PROCESS YOU GO, 'WHOA, THIS AIN'T FOR ME'--

HALF A FUCKING FAG."

NIGGA, THAT MAKES NO SENSE.

AND YOUNG BROTHERS KILL ME,

'CAUSE WE LOVE ITALIAN CULTURE, MAN.

LIKE THE RAPPERS AND SHIT-- THEY ALWAYS NAME THEMSELVES

AFTER OLD-SCHOOL MOBSTERS AND SHIT,

WHICH IS KIND OF STUPID TO ME

'CAUSE OLD-SCHOOL ITALIANS HATE BLACK PEOPLE.

THEY CALL US ALL KINDS OF MULIGNANS AND NIGGAS AND SHIT.

BUT THE FUNNY THING IS-- OLD-SCHOOL ITALIANS ARE FUNNY,

'CAUSE ANYTIME YOU HANG AROUND THEM, THEY SAY THE MOST RACIST SHIT IN FRONT OF YOU.

AS LONG AS THEY END IT WITH "NO OFFENSE," IT'S OKAY.

I REMEMBER ONE TIME I WENT TO GO VISIT A FRIEND OF MINE

IN A BAR IN BROOKLYN IN AN ITALIAN NEIGHBORHOOD.

I WALKED IN THE BAR, RIGHT AWAY THE DUDE KNEW WHO I WAS.

HE WAS LIKE, "WHOA, THERE HE IS. FUCKING GUY FROM 'MAD TV,'

ARIES SPEARS. HEY, MY FRIEND, LET ME TELL YOU,

ME AND MY KIDS-- WE WATCH YOU EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT.

YOU'RE THE FUCKING BEST. YOU'RE THE FUCKING BEST.

BARTENDER, FOR MY FRIEND-- A DRINK.

LET ME GUESS, YOU PEOPLE-- YOU LIKE THE FUCKING HENNESSY, I KNOW."

FUCKED UP, 'CAUSE I WANTED A HENNESSY.

I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND HOW--

SO HE GETS ME THE DRINK AND HE STARTS TELLING A STORY TO HIS BOYS.

AND IT'S THE MOST RACIST SHIT EVER.

"TOMMY, MIKEY, YOU HEAR ABOUT RICHIE?

YEAH, THE GUY'S IN JAIL DOING IT BIG.

KILLED HIS WIFE. CAUGHT HER FUCKING A MULIGNAN.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? I MEAN, LET'S BE HONEST,

BETWEEN YOUSE AND ME, WE ALWAYS KNEW JEANIE HAD A THING FOR THE PEPPER.

BUT TO ACTUALLY FUCK AN EGGPLANT?

CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT? YOU KISS YOUR WIFE GOODBYE;

YOU GET IN YOUR CAR; YOU DRIVE AWAY.

YOU'RE TWO-THREE BLOCKS FROM YOUR HOUSE. YOU REALIZE,

'WHOA, FORGOT MY FUCKING GLASSES.'

YOU TURN THE CAR AROUND. YOU GO BACK INTO THE HOUSE.

YOU KICK OPEN THE BEDROOM DOOR. AND THERE SHE IS GETTING THE OLD BRACIOLE

FROM CURIOUS GEORGE.

BUT LET'S LOOK AT THE BRIGHT SIDE--

AT LEAST IT WASN'T NONE OF OUR WIVES.

CAN YOU IMAGINE YOUR WIFE FUCKING A RAISINET?

AH, MADONN', GOD FORBID. HEY, ARIES, NO OFFENSE.

SALUD."

THAT WAS THE MOST RACIST SHIT, MAN.

I DON'T KNOW, MAN. IT'S FUCKING CRAZY.

THEY DO MAKE GREAT MOVIES THOUGH.

I LIKE ALL THOSE ITALIAN MOBSTER MOVIES AND SHIT, YOU KNOW.

LIKE, I'M REALLY TRYING TO MAKE IT IN HOLLYWOOD.

LIKE, I WANT TO BE A MOVIE STAR. THAT'S MY DREAM.

BUT I'M FINDING OUT HOLLYWOOD IS NOT WHAT YOU THINK IT'S ABOUT.

PEOPLE MOVE OUT TO L.A. THINKING, "THIS SHIT IS ABOUT TALENT."

SHIT IS NOT ABOUT TALENT. IT'S ABOUT SEX APPEAL.

IT'S THE PART OF MY GAME I GOT TO WORK ON.

GOTTA BE IN SHAPE TO BE A MOVIE STAR, MAN.

MY PROBLEM IS I LIKE CUPCAKES TOO MUCH.

I'M SERIOUS. SOMETIMES ON A SATURDAY NIGHT

IF I GOT A CHOICE BETWEEN SOME PUSSY AND A CUPCAKE...

( sighs )

SOMETIMES CUPCAKE WINS.

IT'S KIND OF LIKE PUSSY, IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT.

ESPECIALLY IF YOU HEAT IT UP IN THE MICROWAVE FOR 15 SECONDS.

IT'S ALL WARM ON THE INSIDE, CREAMY IN THE MIDDLE.

AND WHEN IT'S OVER, IT'S MUCH EASIER TO WASH THAT SMELL OFF YOUR DICK,

I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU. FUCK Y'ALL. FUNNY TO ME.

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. FUNNY TO ME.

IT'S HARD FOR BLACKS TO MAKE IT IN HOLLYWOOD TOO, MAN,

'CAUSE THE RULES ARE DIFFERENT, YOU KNOW.

HOLLYWOOD-- YOU GOTTA BE HUMBLE NO MATTER WHAT COLOR YOU ARE.

BUT IF YOU'RE BLACK, YOU REALLY GOTTA BE FUCKING HUMBLE.

'CAUSE SOMETIMES IT DON'T MATTER HOW GOOD YOU ARE.

I REMEMBER I HAD LUNCH WITH CHRIS ROCK ONE TIME.

HE GAVE ME THE BEST ADVICE. HE WAS LIKE, "LOOK, MAN,

ALL I CAN TELL YOU IS ONE-- KEEP WRITING,

AND TWO-- TRY NOT TO PISS THESE WHITE FOLKS OFF."

'CAUSE THAT SHIT IS TRUE. IT DON'T MATTER HOW GOOD YOU ARE,

IF YOU'RE ANGRY, IF YOU'RE THE ANGRY BLACK MAN,

THEY DON'T FUCK WITH YOU. CASE IN POINT-- PAUL MOONEY.

THIS MOTHERFUCKER'S A LEGEND. EVERYBODY, Y'ALL KNOW PAUL MOONEY.

THIS NIGGA WROTE FOR RICHARD PRYOR AND EDDIE MURPHY.

YOU'RE A BAD MOTHERFUCKER WHEN YOU'RE WRITING FOR OTHER BAD MOTHERFUCKERS.

THE PROBLEM WITH PAUL IS PAUL WILL TELL YOU HE'S A BAD MOTHERFUCKER.

HE'LL SHOOT HIMSELF IN THE FOOT. I REMEMBER ONE TIME

I TRIED TO GET HIM TO DO A JOB FOR "MAD TV."

I WANTED HIM TO BE A WRITER. I SAID, "YO, WE'RE ALREADY A GREAT SHOW,

BUT PAUL-- HE'LL TAKE US TO THE NEXT LEVEL."

PAUL WOULD GO INTO THE FUCKING MEETING AND SHOOT HIMSELF IN THE FOOT.

AS SOON AS HE WALKED IN THE PRODUCERS WERE LIKE,

"PAUL, ARIES RECOMMENDS YOU HIGHLY. HE THINKS YOU'RE GREAT.

LET ME ASK YOU, ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH OUR SHOW?"

PAUL WENT RIGHT INTO IT. "I'VE SEEN YOUR SHOW.

ALL OF YOU NIGGAS HAVE STOLEN MY MATERIAL.

YOU'VE ALL STOLEN FROM ME. I'VE SEEN IT.

IT DOESN'T MA-- NO, HOMIE, HOMIE, LISTEN, LISTEN.

'IN LIVING COLOR,' 'SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'-- YOU ALL HAVE STOLEN MY SHIT.

FIRST YOU STOLE NIGGAS, THEN YOU STOLE MY MATERIAL.

AND IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW, I INVENTED COMEDY.

NIGGA, I INVENTED IT."

AND THEN LATER ON I'LL SEE PAUL AND GO, "PAUL, HOW DID IT WORK?"

"HOMIE, THEY'RE NOT GONNA HIRE ME. I'M TOO REAL. I'M TOO REAL.

THEY'RE SCARED OF ME, HOMIE. I'M TOO REAL.

TRUST ME, THEY LOVE NIGGAS THAT GRIN.

WHEN YOU GRIN, YOU WIN. ALL THE NIGGAS THAT GRIN WIN.

LOOK AT WAYNE BRADY. THEY LOVE THAT NIGGA.

THAT NIGGA GRINS.

THAT NIGGA-- HE HAS A HAIRDO FROM THE '50s.

HE WEARS A PERM. HE'S A THROWBACK NIGGA.

THEY LOVE HIM. THEY LOVE HIM. HOMIE, IT'S TRUE.

WHITE FOLKS WILL TELL YOU, 'WHY CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE WAYNE?

WE LOVE WAYNE.' THEY LOVE GRINNING NIGGAS.

WHAT ABOUT THAT OTHER NIGGA THAT PLAYED BASKETBALL FOR THE LAKERS?

THE NIGGA-- HE OWNS BUSINESSES. THE NIGGA WITH AIDS--

MAGIC JOHNSON. THEY LOVE THAT GRINNING NIGGA.

THAT NIGGA GRINNED HIS WAY THROUGH AIDS, NIGGA.

IT'S TRUE.

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THAT NIGGA'S GRIN?

IT'S FROM TEMPLE TO TEMPLE. IT'S HUGE.

THAT NIGGA LOOKS LIKE THE CAT FROM 'ALICE IN WONDERLAND.'

THEY LOVE THAT NIGGA.

HERE'S THE THING--

IF YOU'RE NOT GRINNING, THEY'LL TALK ABOUT YOU.

IT SCARES WHITE FOLKS. IT SCARES THEM.

I REMEMBER ONE TIME I WAS ON A LOT

AND THEY SAID, '"GOOD MORNING, PAUL.'

AND I DIDN'T GRIN. I JUST NODDED MY HEAD. THEY TALK ABOUT YOU.

( knocking )

'WHY IS THAT NIGGA NOT GRINNING?

THAT NIGGA, DOESN'T HE KNOW WHERE HE IS?

THAT NIGGA SHOULD BE GRINNING.'

AND IF YOU GRIN TOO FAST, YOU SCARE WHITE FOLKS.

I SAID 'GOOD MORNING' TO A WHITE WOMAN.

I GRINNED REAL FAST. THAT BITCH WAS SCARED.

I SAID, 'GOOD MORNING.' SHE SAID, 'ARGH! ARGH!'

THAT BITCH TOOK OFF RUNNING. NIGGA, IT'S TRUE."

IS THAT NIGGA GAY?

"NIGGA, IT'S TRUE. NIGGA, IT'S TRUE."

THEY LOVE IT, MAN.

YOU GOTTA BE HUMBLE, MAN.

( laughs ) IT'S CRAZY, MAN.

LIKE, I GOT A LOT OF RESPECT FOR THE ART, MAN, YOU KNOW.

LIKE, I LOVE ALL THEM KIND OF MOVIES.

LIKE, MY FAVORITE MOVIES ARE THEM GLADIATOR MOVIES

LIKE "GLADIATOR" WITH RUSSELL CROWE,

"TROY" WITH BRAD PITT, "BRAVEHEART."

I DON'T EVEN LIKE IT FOR THE ACTION AND THE VIOLENCE.

I LIKE IT FOR THE DIALOGUE. THAT'S SOME SMOOTH SHIT,

THEY WAY THEY TALK IN THE MOVIES.

IT'S LIKE THEY GOT THE OLD LANGUAGE. YOU HEARD IT BEFORE--

"MILORD."

IT'S "MY LORD," BUT THAT'S HOW THEY SAY IT--

"MILORD, LET IT BE KNOWN THAT XERXES IS A KIND GOD KING.

AND HE OFFERS THIS DECLARATION AS AN ALTERNATIVE TO WAR.

NOW LET ME SPEAK WITH THE NOBLES

OR I WILL ENGAGE WITH MY MILITARY."

IT'S MILITARY, BUT "MILITRY."

THE OTHER CHARACTER'S ALWAYS SOME POMPOUS, ARROGANT ASSHOLE.

"HERMETHEUS, PLEASE SPARE ME OF YOUR BANALITY.

THIS IS NOT ABOUT WAR.

THIS IS ABOUT MY DAUGHTER'S HAND IN MARRIAGE.

SO NEITHER TRY TO SEDUCE ME NOR BORE ME

WITH THE BELLIGERENCE OF YOUR INSOLENCE."

I BE IN THE THEATER EATING MY POPCORN LIKE,

"GOD DAMN, WHO GOT DIABETES?"

THERE'S SOME NIGGAS IN HERE THAT DON'T EVEN THINK I SAID ANYTHING WRONG.

LIKE, "NIGGA, MY GRANDMAMA GOT THE INSOLENCE."

THAT'S ONE OF MY FANTASIES. I WANT TO ROLE-PLAY LIKE THAT.

CALL MY GIRL UP ONE TIME, BE LIKE,

"LOOK, BABY, DON'T COOK NOTHING. I'MA COME HOME

AND PRETEND TO BE A ROMAN WARRIOR.

AND WE'RE GONNA SEND OUR SON OUT TO THE STORE

SO I HAVE SOME TIME ALONE TO SEDUCE YOU."

AND I COME IN THE HOUSE TALKING THAT SHIT,

"WRETCHED IS HOW I FEEL AS I SPEW

THESE WORDS OF HOSTILITY FROM MY LIPS.

AH, THERE YOU ARE, LAQUISHA,

THE BEAUTY OF MY SEDUCTION.

HOW I LONG TO RAVISH THE CONCUBINES OF YOUR CLAVICLE.

BUT FIRST I'MA SILENCE THESE ROARS

THAT STEM FROM BY BELLY DUE TO HUNGER,

FOR IT IS ONLY FIT FOR A KING TO DINE ON THE KILLING OF A CARCASS

AFTER A DAY OF DULY WAGES.

AH, THERE HE IS, MY SON, MY SEED,

MY YOUNG LOIN, THE MIRRORED ME THAT SPAWNS

FROM THE SPEW OF MY MALE MAYONNAISE.

I WANT YOU TO TAKE THESE METALS OF CURRENCY

AND GO DOWN TO THE LOCAL MARKETPLACE

AND TRADE THEM FOR A FEAST OF YEAST AND WINE.

NOW HITHER AWAY BEFORE THE THIRD PLANET FROM THE SUN

IS PLAGUED BY DARKNESS AT A COMMAND FROM THE HIGHER LORDS.

AS FOR YOU, MY LOVE, ONLY WHEN DARKNESS IS AMONG US

WILL I SHOWER YOU WITH THE FIRE THAT BURNS DEEP UNDERNEATH MY CLOAK.

FOR ONLY YOUR SEDUCTION

CAN FORCE ME TO FALL TO BENDED KNEE

AND SIP THE WET, SPICY NECTAR

WHICH FLOWS FROM THE PURR OF YOUR KITTY-CAT."

SHE'S LIKE, "HUH?" I'M LIKE, "BITCH, I'M TRYING TO EAT YOUR PUSSY.

I NEED YOU TO FOLLOW ME AND KEEP UP.

I CAN'T WORK UNDER THESE CONDITIONS."

I DON'T KNOW, MAN. IT'S CRAZY, TOO MUCH.

I RESPECT THE ART. I GET UPSET WHEN I HEAR ABOUT THESE ACTORS

THAT GET PAID $20 MILLION A MOVIE TO ACT. AND THE KEY WORD IS "ACT."

BUT THEY PAY THIS TO DUDES WHO NEVER COULD FUCKING ACT.

HOW DO YOU PAY STALLONE AND SCHWARZENEGGER $20 MILLION A MOVIE?

PAY THAT TO THE DUDES WHO DESERVE IT LIKE PACINO, De NIRO, DENZEL.

THOSE ARE FUCKING ACTORS, MAN.

'CAUSE TO THIS DAY ONE OF MY FAVORITE MOVIES OF ALL TIME

IS "HEAT" WITH PACINO AND De NIRO.

ANYBODY THAT'S EVER SEEN THE MOVIE KNOWS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

IT'S LIKE THEY TOOK THE TWO GREATEST ACTORS OF ALL TIME

AND PUT THEM IN A SCENE TOGETHER. IF YOU'VE NEVER SEEN THE MOVIE,

GO RENT IT, SMOKE A JOINT. IT'S GREAT.

THEY GOT THAT SCENE WHERE THEY MEET FOR THE FIRST TIME

AND PACINO IS SITTING THERE WITH De NIRO. HE'S BREAKING SHIT DOWN TO HIM.

HE'S LIKE, "YOU, SIR, ARE A BAD GUY.

I AM THE POLICE.

IT'S MY JOB TO STOP GUYS LIKE YOU--

MURDERERS, RAPISTS, KILLERS. ( snapping fingers )

IT'S WHAT I DO.

THERE MAY COME A TIME WHEN OUR PATHS CROSS.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO TAKE YOU DOWN.

I WON'T LIKE IT, BUT I'LL DO IT.

IT KEEPS ME HOT ON MY TOES... ( snapping fingers )

WHERE I GOTTA BE."

De NIRO COMES BACK--

"YOU KNOW THERE'S A FLIP SIDE TO THAT COIN.

GOOD FRIEND OF MINE-- JIMMY-- ONCE TOLD ME,

'NEVER GET ATTACHED TO ANYTHING THAT YOU CANNOT WALK OUT ON

IN 15 SECONDS FLAT IF YOU SPOT THE HEAT COMING AROUND THE CORNER.'

AND I ALSO LIKE GUYS LIKE YOU TO LIKE GUYS LIKE ME,

'CAUSE YOU KEEP ME HOT ON MY TOES...

( pops mouth ) WHERE I GOTTA BE.

AND YOU'RE RIGHT. OUR PATHS,

THEY MAY CROSS. I'MA HAVE TO TAKE YOU DOWN.

I WON'T LIKE IT, BUT I WILL NOT--

LA-LA-LA-LA-- HESITATE."

A GREAT SCENE. PICTURE THE SAME SCENE

WITH STALLONE AND SCHWARZENEGGER.

YOU AIN'T GONNA BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND SHIT.

STALLONE IS DOING PACINO--

( mumbling )

( imitates Schwarzenegger ) "YOU KNOW THERE'S A FLIP SIDE TO THIS COIN.

I'MA HAVE TO TAKE YOU DOWN.

I WON'T LIKE IT, BUT I'LL DO IT."

( grunting )

EVEN DEAF PEOPLE WOULD BE LIKE,

"WHAT IS THIS?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND. WHAT IS THAT?"

CAN YOU IMAGINE HIM ASKING HIS WOMAN FOR HEAD?

"MARIA, COME ON, GIVE ME HEAD. GO DOWN.

DON'T COME UP FOR AIR. BREATHE THROUGH YOUR EARS."

FELLOWS, YOU WANT TO FREAK YOUR WOMAN OUT DURING SEX?

MAKE THAT NOISE. YOU'D BE HITTING IT FROM THE BACK--

( grunting )

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

( imitates Schwarzenegger ) "DON'T WORRY ABOUT WHAT'S GOING ON UP HERE.

PUT YOUR HEAD DOWN."

LADIES, IT'D WORK FOR YOU TOO. YOU DON'T WANT TO GIVE YOUR MAN HEAD--

DO THAT. IT'LL STOP IMMEDIATELY.

AS SOON AS YOU GET DOWN THERE-- ( grunts )

"BITCH, WHAT THE FUCK?

WHAT, ARE YOU MAKING KEYS OR SOMETHING?

NO, YOU AIN'T GONNA PUT A HANDICAPPED SIGN ON MY BALLS.

I'M GOOD."

THAT'S A GOOD NOISE TO MAKE IF YOU WANT PRIVACY IN A PUBLIC BATHROOM.

YOU WILL CLEAR THAT MOTHERFUCKER RIGHT OUT.

AS SOON AS YOU GET IN THERE-- ( grunts )

"SIR, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?" "GET OUT. GET AWAY.

THERE'S GOING TO BE AN EXPLOSION.

GET TO THE CHOPPER NOW!"

I DON'T KNOW WHY HE SAYS THAT. HE SAYS THAT IN EVERY MOVIE.

"GET TO THE CHOPPER NOW!"

I LIKE TO MAKE THAT NOISE ON A CROWDED ELEVATOR,

ESPECIALLY IF I'VE GOT TO FART.

PEOPLE JUST ASSUME THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME. AS SOON AS I RIP ONE--

"OH MY GOD, WHAT WAS THAT?" ( grunts )

"SMELL IT. IT'S NASTY. SMELL IT.

GET TO THE CHOPPER. GET DOWN."

"OH MY GOD, HE'S RETARDED.

HE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A HELMET ON."

YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUNNY? SOME OF Y'ALL ARE LAUGHING

BUT SOME OF Y'ALL ARE GONNA GO HOME AND FUCK TONIGHT.

AND WHEN YOU COME, YOU'RE GONNA DO THAT. IT'S GONNA BE HILARIOUS.

BE LIKE, "GIRL, I LOVE YOU. ( grunts )

I'M FINISHED. GET ME A PAPER TOWEL. COME HERE.

WIPE ME DOWN. GET TO THE CHOPPER NOW!"

DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE,

'CAUSE IF YOU GET PULLED OVER, THAT'S EXACTLY HOW YOU SOUND.

"SIR, HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?" ( grunting )

"I HAD A JAGER AND PATRON. TO THE CHOPPER NOW!"

"WE'RE GONNA NEED BACKUP. WE'RE GONNA NEED BACKUP.

AND APPARENTLY WE NEED A CHOPPER. I DON'T KNOW WHY."

ACTUALLY--

I ACTUALLY MET ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER, MAN.

TRUE STORY.

I WAS DOING A SHOW IN SAN JOSE, CALIFORNIA.

IT'S LIKE A 5.5-HOUR DRIVE OUTSIDE OF L.A.

AND I STOPPED AT A CHEVRON AND THIS MOTHERFUCKER WAS ON PUMP NUMBER SEVEN

FILLING UP HIS H2. NOW I DON'T REALLY GET STAR-STRUCK.

IF THIS HAD BEEN VAN DAMM OR SEGAL, I'D HAVE BEEN LIKE, "WHATEVER."

THIS IS FUCKING TERMINATOR. THIS IS CONAN.

I GREW UP ON THIS MOTHERFUCKER. AND I SAW HIM

AND I WAS SO EXCITED. I WAS LIKE, "YO, ARNOLD, MAN, I LOVE YOUR SHIT."

HE AIN'T EVEN LOOKED AT ME. HE WAS JUST LIKE, "YEAH, HOW ARE YOU?"

AND I CALLED MY BOY AND I SAID, "NIGGA, YOU AIN'T GONNA BELIEVE IT.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER IS ON PUMP NUMBER SEVEN, FILLING UP."

HE WAS LIKE, "NIGGA, YOU'RE LYING." I SAID, "I SWEAR TO GOD."

HE WAS LIKE, "ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER?" I SAID, "NIGGA..."

( grunts )

AND ARNOLD HEARD ME AND I SWEAR HE WENT JUST LIKE THIS--

( grunts )

IT'S LIKE HIS MARCO POLO. HE UNDERSTOOD.

IT WAS LIKE A MATING CALL. HE KNEW.

SOME OF THE FELLAS MIGHT REMEMBER WHERE I GOT THAT.

REMEMBER THE SCENE IN "PREDATOR"

WHEN HE GOT READY TO FIGHT THE ALIEN AND HE COVERED HIMSELF WITH MUD?

HE WAS LIKE, "I'M HERE. KILL ME. COME ON, DO IT."

( grunts )

THAT SHIT IS FUNNY, MAN.

I TRIED TO RENT THIS MOVIE,

AND AGAIN, NOT A GAY THING,

'CAUSE IF I WAS IN THE VIDEO STORE AND I SAW THAT "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN" SHIT

AND I WAS JUST LIKE HOW DO MOTHERFUCKERS WATCH THAT?

AND I THOUGHT, "MAYBE, LET ME TRY." I COULDN'T REACH FOR IT.

MY HAND CAUGHT ARTHRITIS, AND I COULDN'T--

SEEMS LIKE THERE'S A GAY EXPLOSION GOING ON IN AMERICA RIGHT NOW.

LIKE GAY PEOPLE WANT CERTAIN RIGHTS,

THEY WANT TO ADOPT KIDS, THEY WANT TO GET MARRIED.

AND I DON'T WANT TO HATE ON NOBODY'S HAPPINESS,

SO I DON'T WANT YOU TO THINK THAT BASED ON WHAT I'MA SAY,

I'M ANTI-GAY.

I'M NOT ANTI-GAY.

I'M JUST PRO-MORALS.

LET ME EXPLAIN WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

IF GAY PEOPLE WANT TO GET MARRIED AND ADOPT KIDS,

THEY SHOULD HAVE THE RIGHT TO DO THAT.

GAY PEOPLE SHOULD HAVE ALL THE SAME RIGHTS AS EVERYBODY ELSE,

AND BE ALLOWED TO LIVE A LIFE FREE OF DISCRIMINATION

AND VERBAL AND PHYSICAL HARASSMENT.

'CAUSE THE THING IS THIS, WHETHER YOU AGREE WITH IT OR NOT,

OR WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT, THEY'RE HUMAN BEINGS

AND DESERVE TO BE TREATED WITH DIGNITY AND RESPECT.

THEY DESERVE TO BE TREATED FAIR.

THAT'S THE KEY WORD HERE, "FAIR."

BUT LET'S ANALYZE THAT WORD FOR A MINUTE.

WE'VE BECOME SO POLITICALLY CORRECT AS A NATION

THAT YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE AN OPINION ANYMORE

WITHOUT BEING LABELED AND JUDGED.

JUST LIKE IT'S OKAY FOR GAY PEOPLE TO MARCH DOWN THE STREET AND GO,

"WE'RE HERE, WE'RE QUEER. GET USED TO IT."

AND LET YOU KNOW HOW GAY THEY ARE

WHILE STANDING ON A FLOAT MADE OF BALLS.

FREE OF JUDGMENT.

HOW COME IS IT THAT STRAIGHT PEOPLE CAN NEVER SAY

THAT WE MORALLY DISAGREE WITH HOMOSEXUALITY

OR DENOUNCE A LIFESTYLE WITHOUT THEN BEING LABELED

AS TERRIBLE, BIGOTED, HATEFUL HUMAN BEINGS?

AT THE END OF THE DAY, IT'S A FUCKING OPINION.

THIS IS AMERICA, I'M ALLOWED TO MY OPINION.

JUST 'CAUSE I DON'T AGREE WITH WHAT YOU DO,

DOESN'T MEAN I'M SAYING YOU DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT TO DO IT.

BUT I SHOULD BE ABLE TO SAY HOW I FEEL, FREE OF JUDGMENT.

LIKE THIS IS SOME SHIT I OFTEN HEAR GAY PEOPLE SAY THAT'S FUNNY TO ME.

"YOU KNOW, WE DON'T CHOOSE THIS LIFESTYLE, WE'RE BORN THIS WAY.

SOME PEOPLE THINK BEING GAY IS A CHOICE.

WHY WOULD WE CHOOSE A LIFE OF RIDICULE AND HARASSMENT?

THIS IS NOT A CHOICE, THIS IS WHO WE ARE."

AND I BUY THAT.

IF YOU'RE BORN THAT WAY, AND THAT'S WHO YOU ARE, FUCK IT, IT'S WHO YOU ARE.

I JUST WISH GAY PEOPLE WOULD STOP TRYING TO CONVINCE

THE REST OF US THAT WHAT THEY DO IS NORMAL.

IT IS NOT NORMAL FOR A MAN TO BANG ANOTHER MAN IN THE ASS.

IF THAT WERE NORMAL, MEN WOULD BE ABLE

TO IMPREGNATE EACH OTHER AND CONTINUE LIFE.

IN ORDER TO HAVE HUMAN EXISTENCE,

YOU NEED TWO PIECES TO THE PUZZLE.

THIS PIECE AND THIS PIECE, WATCH THIS.

BOOM, THESE GO TOGETHER.

THE PUSSY LUBRICATES ITSELF WITH THE EXPECTATION OF DICK.

THIS SHIT IS BY DESIGN.

THIS SHIT...

PLAYING PENIS JOUST, THAT'S SOME SHIT YOU'RE DOING.

LIKE THIS IS A MEDICAL FACT, I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP.

IF YOU THINK I'M MAKING IT UP, GOOGLE IT, LOOK IT UP.

YOU KNOW, ASS FUCKING IS ONE OF THE SURE-FIRE WAYS TO CONTRACT HEPATITIS.

IN OTHER WORDS, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK HOW CLEAN YOUR ASS IS,

OR HOW MUCH YOU WASH IT,

THERE ARE CERTAIN GERMS AND BACTERIA THAT EXIST INSIDE THE HUMAN ASS

THAT CAN'T BE WASHED AWAY WITH ALL THE SOAP AND THE WATER IN THE WORLD.

YOU CAN'T GET TO IT, IT'S INTERNAL.

WHICH LETS YOU KNOW THAT AIN'T SOME SHIT YOU SUPPOSED TO DO.

NOW PEOPLE DO IT.

WHETHER IT'S MAN ON MAN OR MAN ON WOMAN, PEOPLE DO IT.

BUT JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN, DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD.

LADIES, TRUST ME, IF WE COULD WE'D FUCK YOU IN YOUR NOSE.

THAT WOULD BE THE LATEST SENSATION.

BITCH, I DON'T WANT NO PUSSY OR HEAD. I WANT SOME NOSTRIL, BITCH.

FLARE UP. GET MAD. FLARE UP.

COULD YOU IMAGINE WHAT THAT WOULD SOUND LIKE?

( grunts )

THAT SHIT WOULD BE TERRIBLE.

AND IF THERE ARE ANY GAY PEOPLE HERE, I DON'T WANT TO OFFEND YOU IF YOU'RE GAY.

IF YOU'RE GAY AND THAT'S YOUR THING, ROCK ON.

I PERSONALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND.

YOU KNOW?

I HAVE TOO MUCH RESPECT FOR THE FEMALE BODY.

WOMEN, WHEN Y'ALL ARE NAKED, ALL THIS SHIT UP HERE, AND THE CURVES, MWAH.

IT'S A WORK OF ART, I LOVE IT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS, THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT

WHEN YOUR TITTIES POP OUT, MUSIC COME OUT OF NOWHERE.

LIKE, (smacks lips) HA-AH. IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

YOU EVER SEEN MALE NUTS? THAT'S SOME UGLY SHIT.

OUR SHIT LOOK LIKE MEAT WITH HAIR ON IT.

I PULL MY SHIT OUR RIGHT NOW, IT LOOKS LIKE SMEAGOL FROM "LORD OF THE RINGS."

(imitates Smeagol) THE PRECIOUS, THE PRECIOUS.

IT'S UGLY.

AND DON'T LET US GET OUT THE POOL, THAT SHIT LOOK LIKE YODA. HMM.

(imitates Yoda) PUSSY THIS IS, HMM. (regular voice) IT'S UGLY.

WOMEN, EVERYTHING Y'ALL DO, Y'ALL JUST DO IT BETTER THAN US.

Y'ALL ARE JUST SEXY BY NATURE. YOU BRING CLASS TO THE GAME. IT'S INSTINCT.

EVEN WHEN YOU MASTURBATE, YOU DON'T EVEN CALL IT MASTURBATION.

YOU CALL IT GETTING IN TOUCH WITH YOURSELF.

Y'ALL KNOW HOW TO DO IT. Y'ALL GET YOUR LUTHER VANDROSS

AND TEDDY PENDERGRASS CDs.

AND BATH TEMPERATURE-- OR THE TUB WATER BE JUST RIGHT.

A RAINBOW BE COMING THROUGH THE WINDOW.

BLUE JAYS AND CANARIES BE FLYING IN THE BATHROOM.

SQUIRRELS ARE GATHERING NUTS. IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

AHH-HH. NICE.

YOU EVER SEEN MEN MASTURBATE? WE LOOK LIKE HAIRY BEASTS.

MY MOTHER USED TO BUST IN THE ROOM ON ME.

I WAS LIKE CHEWBACCA FROM "STAR WARS."

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" ( groans )

( mumbles )

'CAUSE THE ORGASM IS A MOTHERFUCKER.

LADIES, WHAT THE FUCK DOES IT TAKE? HURRY THE FUCK UP.

TO MAKE A MAN COME IS VERY EASY.

TUG LEFT, TUG RIGHT-- ( blows raspberry ) WE'RE THERE.

MAKING A WOMAN COME IS LIKE PLAYING "ZELDA" FOR NINTENDO.

YOU NEED THE AMULET, THE PRINCESS'S SCEPTER,

THE BAG OF WIZARD'S DUST, THE VIKING'S HELMET.

BITCH, HURRY THE FUCK UP.

WE'RE TRYING TO SEE THE SECOND HALF. SHIT.

FELLAS, YOU HAVE TO STOP LETTING WOMEN PUT ALL THIS PRESSURE ON US.

TALKING ABOUT, "I DIDN'T COME." "BITCH, I DID.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR SHIT?"

I TELL A WOMAN BEFORE WE EVEN GET STARTED,

"LOOK, TEAM BUS LEAVES IN TWO MINUTES AND EIGHT SECONDS.

I'MA SCREAM YOUR NAME TWICE AND THEN I'MA SCRATCH YOU OFF THE CLIPBOARD.

YOU'D BETTER HURRY THE FUCK UP.

COME TO THE TEAM MEETINGS. STOP BEING SELFISH."

SOME OF YOU WOMEN'S DEMANDS IS TOO MUCH--

"LET'S FUCK ALL NIGHT." REALLY, BITCH? ALL NIGHT?

YOU KNOW HOW MUCH SHIT WE COULD DO

DURING THE COURSE OF AN ENTIRE NIGHT?

WE COULD WATCH A "LAW AND ORDER" MARATHON, PLAY A COUPLE OF GAMES OF CHECKERS.

WHY THE FUCK WE GOT TO HAVE THE ROOM SMELLING LIKE HOT MAYONNAISE AND MOTOR OIL?

THAT SHIT IS RIDICULOUS.

HOW MANY WOMEN, BY A ROUND OF APPLAUSE, GIVE HEAD?

( applause )

THANK YOU FOR YOUR HONESTY. THANK YOU.

THE REST OF Y'ALL ARE SOME LYING MOTHERFUCKERS.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, WHEN I ASKED THE QUESTION,

SOME OF Y'ALL STOPPED GIVING HEAD, LIKE, "WHAT DID HE SAY?

HE WAS TALKING TO ME? I DIDN'T EVEN-- OOH."

LADIES, GIVE HEAD. IT IS THE KEY TO A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP.

STOP BELIEVING ALL THAT BULLSHIT YOU SEE ON "OPRAH"

AND READ IN THE MAGAZINES, TALKING ABOUT

"THE KEY TO A MAN'S HEART IS THROUGH THE PSYCHOLOGICAL AND EMO--"

FUCK THAT. NUTS.

IT'S IN YOUR BEST INTEREST. 'CAUSE IF YOU DON'T GIVE IT TO US,

FUCK IT, WE'LL JUST SNEAK IT ON YOU WHEN YOU'RE ASLEEP.

( snoring )

GIVE IT UP.

YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE ABOUT HEAD?

I LIKE THE NOISE THAT COMES FROM HEAD,

ESPECIALLY WHEN THE WOMAN COMMITS.

SOME OF Y'ALL BE DOWN THERE BULLSHITTING.

Y'ALL BE TREATING IT LIKE IT'S A SCOOP OF ICE CREAM.

( slurping ) MM-MM.

I LIKE WHEN A WOMAN IS DOWN THERE AND SHE MAKES THAT NOISE YOU MAKE

LIKE WHEN YOU BITE INTO A SLICE OF PIZZA

THAT'S WAY TOO FUCKING HOT, SO YOU SWISH IT AROUND IN YOUR MOUTH

SO YOU DON'T BURN YOURSELF.

( slurping )

I'LL HIGH-FIVE THE BITCH ON THE FOREHEAD-- POW!

GRAB HER BY HER EARS-- "I LOVE YOU."

LADIES, COMMIT. THERE'S A WEDDING IN IT FOR YOU.

ALL RIGHT, BEFORE I GET OUT OF HERE--

'CAUSE I GOTTA ALMOST WRAP IT UP REAL QUICK--

I WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE STATE OF HIP-HOP FOR A SECOND.

'CAUSE I'M A BIG HIP-HOP FAN, MAN.

I JUST FEEL LIKE, YOU KNOW, A LOT OF THE SOUTHERN RAP IS DOMINATING HIP-HOP.

AND I DON'T WANT TO HATE ON THESE BROTHERS, MAN.

'CAUSE I'M HAPPY TO SEE ANY BLACK MAN IN AMERICA

GETTING MONEY. IT'S A BEAUTIFUL THING, YOU KNOW.

BUT SOME OF THESE SOUTHERN BROTHERS, MAN--

A LOT OF THESE SOUTHERN RAPPERS NEED TO STEP THEIR GAME UP.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? 'CAUSE YOU TALK ABOUT--

LIKE, NEW YORK-- WE'VE DOMINATED RAP FOR A LONG TIME.

AND I KNOW A LOT OF SOUTHERN PEOPLE FEEL LIKE NEW YORKERS ARE BITTER,

BUT COME ON, MAN, WE BIRTHED RAP. WE STARTED IT IN THE SOUTH BRONX.

AND LYRICS IS PART OF THE FUCKING GAME, YOU KNOW.

LIKE LUDACRIS, T.I., LITTLE WEEZY--

I LOVE THEM NIGGAS, MAN. T.I. IS MY FAVORITE.

ANDRE 3000-- ONE OF THE BEST LYRICISTS IN THE GAME.

BUT A LOT OF THESE SOUTHERN NIGGAS-- THEY BE MAKING

THESE SINGY-SONGY CATCHY SONGS

THAT FIVE-YEAR-OLDS CAN DANCE TO.

COME ON, MAN, QUIT THAT DR. SEUSS SHIT.

NIGGAS, YOU GOTTA STEP Y'ALL GAME UP.

'CAUSE IT SEEMS LIKE NOWADAYS IF YOU COME UP WITH ANY SONG--

IT DON'T MATTER WHAT THE LYRICS ARE--

YOU GET YOU A SOUTHERN, YOU KNOW, CATCHY BEAT,

YOU COULD SPIT BULLSHIT AND IT'S A FUCKING HIT.

I KNOW. I GOT ONE.

SO I'MA INTRODUCE Y'ALL TO MY SOUTHERN RAP CHARACTER BIG BOOGA BOOGALOU

AND HIS HIT SONG "FUCK A BOOK, NIGGA, LOOK AT MY DANCE."

I CAN SHOW YOU BETTER THAN I CAN TELL YOU.

♪ YEAH YEAH ♪

♪ GRRR ♪

♪ IT'S GOING DOWN, MAN ♪

♪ WE ABOUT TO MAKE THIS MOTHERFUCKER POP UP ON HER ♪

♪ DID THE DIRTY SOUTH KNUCKLE ♪

♪ YEAH ♪

♪ TAKE THAT, BITCH ♪

♪ YEAH ♪

♪ THIS YOUR BOY BIG BOOGA BOOGALOU ♪

♪ BIG BOOGALOU REPRESENTING THE DIRTY U.M. ♪

♪ I SAID REPRESENTING THE DIRTY U.M. ♪

♪ AND THIS RIGHT HERE IS ABOUT TO BE ♪

♪ THE HOTTEST JOINT OF THE SUMMER, MAN ♪

♪ DID YOU HEAR MY JOINT, MAN? ♪

♪ TO ALL THEM TEACHERS THAT SAID SCHOOLING WAS IMPORTANT ♪

♪ I SAY, SHIT, FUCK A BOOK, NIGGA ♪

♪ LOOK AT MY DANCE ♪

♪ FROM THE DIRTY DIRTY SOUTH DOING WHAT WE DOES ♪

♪ MAKING IT RAIN WITH THEM STRIPPERS IN THE CLUB ♪

♪ POP THAT BOOTY, BABY, CLAP IT, DROP IT LOW ♪

♪ IT'S A RECESSION, WE'RE CUTTING BACK, HO ♪

♪ HO HO HO ♪

♪ GOT THAT '67 CANDY CHEVY DROPPING TO THE FLOOR ♪

♪ WHEN I COME THROUGH THE HOOD, EVERYBODY KNOW ♪

♪ THE KIDS KNOW I'M RICH, THEY SAY THAT I'M THE MAN ♪

♪ SO FUCK A BOOK, NIGGA, LOOK AT MY DANCE ♪

♪ FUCK A BOOK, NIGGA, LOOK AT MY DANCE... ♪

MOTHERFUCKER.

♪ LOOK AT MY DANCE ♪

♪ FUCK A BOOK, NIGGA, LOOK AT MY DANCE ♪

♪ FUCK A BOOK, NIGGA, LOOK AT MY DANCE ♪

♪ FUCK A BOOK, NIGGA, LOOK AT MY DANCE ♪

♪ EDUCATION? SHIT, LOOK AT MY DANCE ♪

♪ GOT THEM RIMS ON SHINE, THE GRILL IS LIKE, UH ♪

♪ SPEAKERS UP FRONT, GOT THE BITCHES IN THE TRUNK ♪

♪ POLICE SAY I'M FOUL, MY MAMA SAY I'M RECKLESS ♪

♪ WHO ELSE YOU KNOW GOT A CHICKEN CHAIN NECKLACE? ♪

♪ THAT'S RIGHT, NIGGA, CHICKEN CHAIN NECKLACE ♪

♪ AND I WEAR THIS MOTHERFUCKER RAW 'CAUSE WHEN I BE RHYMING ♪

♪ I BE HEATING UP, THIS MOTHERFUCKER COOKS ♪

♪ WHEN I'M HUNGRY, I EAT THIS SON OF A BITCH ♪

♪ RRARR, NIGGA! LOOK AT MY DANCE ♪

♪ I DO THE STANKY LEG WHILE CHILLING IN MY WHITE T ♪

♪ EATING LAFFY TAFFY, I BE LIKE, "HEY, BABY" ♪

♪ LEAN WITH IT, ROCK WITH IT, SUPERMAN, WHOA ♪

♪ IT'S ALL THE SAME SHIT, JUST LISTEN TO THE FLOW ♪

♪ ONLY GOT ONE MAN, AND THIS BE MY MAN ♪

♪ WHEN I SAY MY MAN, HE REALLY MY MAN ♪

♪ I RAP SO HARD FROM THE NORTH TO THE SOUTH ♪

♪ GOT RING FULL OF HAND AND GOLD FULL OF MOUTH ♪

♪ HUH? WAIT A MINUTE, HOW YOU GONNA HAVE ♪

♪ A RING OF HAND AND MOUTH WITH THE-- ♪

♪ AW SHIT ♪

♪ FUCK A BOOK, NIGGA, LOOK AT MY DANCE ♪

♪ YEAH, I WANT TO SEND A BIG SHOUTOUT ♪

♪ TO ALL THEM MOTHERFUCKING TEACHERS THAT SAID I WASN'T GONNA BE SHIT ♪

♪ MY ENGLISH TEACHER, MY MATH TEACHER ♪

♪ MY P.E. TEACHER, MY SPANISH TEACHER ♪

♪ OH YEAH, VETE A LA MIERDA! ♪

♪ THAT MEANS "FUCK YOU" IN SPANISH ♪

♪ VETE A LA MIERDA ♪

♪ FUCK A BOOK, NIGGA, LOOK AT MY DANCE... ♪

( music continues )

I REMEMBER ONE TIME I WAS IN A STRIP CLUB IN NORTH CAROLINA.

I GAVE A BITCH A DOLLAR, BUT THEN SHE WAS PREGNANT-- NINE MONTHS.

THAT TURNED ME OFF. SO I TOOK THE MONEY BACK.

DO YOU KNOW, BEFORE I PUT THE MONEY IN MY POCKET

A BABY'S HAND CAME OUT OF HER PUSSY

AND SNATCHED THE DOLLAR BACK?

♪ AW SHIT, LOOK AT MY DANCE ♪

♪ FUCK A BOOK, NIGGA, LOOK AT MY DANCE ♪

♪ FUCK A BOOK, NIGGA, LOOK AT MY DANCE ♪

♪ FUCK A BOOK, NIGGA, LOOK AT MY DANCE ♪

♪ EDUCATION? SHIT, LOOK AT MY DANCE ♪

♪ LOOK AT MY DANCE ♪

♪ LOOK AT MY DANCE ♪

♪ THIS HERE A RING TONE, NIGGA ♪

♪ LITTLE WEEZY, T.I. ♪

♪ GUCCI MANE ♪

♪ I'M COMING FOR YOU, NIGGAS, MAN ♪

♪ YEAH ♪

♪ THEM NIGGAS DON'T EVEN KNOW I GRADUATED FROM HARVARD. ♪

( audience cheering )

HEY YO, NEW YORK, MAN, THANK YOU.

I APPRECIATE IT, BABY. I APPRECIATE THE LOVE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

( hip-hop music playing )