Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

YO !

ADRIAN !

YOU KNOW, I NEVER--

ONE TIME WITH HER-- AND WE STILL HAD A CHILD,

SO IT'S A VERY RELIGIOUS MOVIE, YOU KNOW.

IT'S THE IMMACULATE EJECTION.

* OOH, OOH, HOLLY WOULD

* OOH, OOH, IF HOLLY COULD

* OOH, OOH, HOLLY SHOULD

* GO DOWN ON ME

* OOH, OOH, HOLLY WOULD

* OOH, OOH, IF HOLLY COULD

* OOH, OOH, HOLLY SHOULD

* GO DOWN ON ME

* I LOOKED UP AT THE NEON SKY

* I LOOKED DOWN AT A BUG PASSIN' BY *

* I COULDN'T HELP BUT LOOK IN HIS EYE *

* BUT I TURNED AWAY WHEN HE ASKED FOR A DIME *

* I WANDERED DOWN THE SIDEWALK OF THE STARS *

* I DRANK ALL NIGHT IN ALTERNATIVE BARS *

* EVERYBODY HAD THEIR HAIR DIED BLACK *

* AND SOME KIND OF WEIRD TATTOO ON THEIR BACK *

* HERE I AM, HERE I AM

* I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF LA-LA-LAND *

* YEAH, HERE I AM, HERE I AM

* I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF LA-LA-LAND *

* THIS IS THE PLACE THEY ALL WARNED ME ABOUT *

* HE'LL BE BACK JUST ANOTHER BURNOUT *

* I MUST ADMIT THE FASCINATION IS STRONG *

* I WONDER HOW LONG TILL THE GLAMOUR IS GONE *

* I FINALLY FOUND A GROUP OF MY PEERS *

* TO CELEBRATE I PIERCED MY EARS *

* OUT HERE YOU KNOW IT'S KIND OF EXPECTED *

* BUT IT HURT LIKE HELL WHEN IT GOT INFECTED *

* HERE I AM, HERE I AM

* I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF LA-LA-LAND *

* YEAH, HERE I AM, HERE I AM

* I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF LA-LA-LAND *

* THEY HAD A SHOPPING CART CONVENTION *

* MAN, THEY HAD EVERYBODY'S ATTENTION *

* THEY'RE OUT ON HIGHLAND JUST A-WALKIN' THE LINE *

* AND IT WAS MAD DOG, MAD DOG OUT OF THEIR MIND *

* YOU KNOW THAT MAD DOG, MAD DOG HAD 'EM OUT OF THEIR MIND *

* LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA

* LA-LA-LAND

* LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA

* LA-LA-LAND

* LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA

* LA-LA-LAND

* WHOA LA-LA-LAND

* CAR ALARMS AND COPS IN THE SKY *

* GRIDLOCK OUT ON THE 405

* SOMETIMES IT SEEMS JUST LIKE A BATTLE ZONE *

* BUT I'M MAKING TRIPLE WHAT I DID BACK HOME *

* THIS IS A TOWN OF HATE AND HOPE *

* IT CAN SEND YOU TO THE END OF YOUR ROPE *

* YOU MUST STAY CONSCIOUS OF WHAT YOU'RE DREAMIN' *

* 'CAUSE THERE'S ALL KINDS OF WAYS *

* YOU CAN END UP SWINGIN'

* HERE I AM, HERE I AM

* I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF LA-LA-LAND *

* YEAH, HERE I AM, HERE I AM

* I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF LA-LA-LAND *

I'M GONNA KILL SOMEBODY IF THERE'S A HAIR ON THE LENS...

'CAUSE I DON'T HAVE ALL DAY TO DO THIS.

OH, CHILL OUT ! CHILL OUT !

DON'T FUCK WITH ME.

DON'T FUCK WITH ME.

DON'T FUCK WITH ME.

DON'T FUCK WITH US !

CUT !

NICE ONE, NICE ONE. STAR-FUCKIN'-POWER !

YOU LIKE IT, JAMIE ? THAT WAS SO GREAT ! THAT'S STAR-FUCKIN'-POWER !

YOU SURE ? BEAUTIFUL. IF YOU LIKE IT, I LIKE IT. IT'S GONNA BLOW EVERYONE AWAY !

SHALL WE DO IT AGAIN THEN ? WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT ?

THEY NAILED IT ! DID THEY ?

UH, JUST ONE MORE, PLEASE. DID YOU NAIL IT OR NOT ?

NAILED IT ! HONEY, IT'S DONE.

- PRINT IT, ALAN. - ARE YOU QUITE CERTAIN ? I THINK IT CAN BE BETTER.

PLEASE. BETTER ? JAMES, WHY DON'T YOU TALK TO THIS IDIOT ?

I HIRED YOU. DON'T FUCK WITH ME !

IF YOU DON'T GET THAT CAMERA OUT OF MY FACE, I'M GONNA SEAN PENN YOUR ASS !

DON'T FUCK WITH ME.

DON'T FUCK WITH ME.

DON'T FUCK WITH ME.

DON'T FUCK WITH US !

THIS FILM DID NOT COME TO ANY THEATER ANYWHERE...

BECAUSE THE DIRECTOR STOLE THE NEGATIVE AND NO PRINTS COULD BE MADE.

WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO SEE WILL DOCUMENT THE STORY...

OF A MOVIE THAT WAS MADE AND NEVER SEEN.

WE WERE SET ! SET !

* MIKE OVITZ MICHAEL S. OVITZ *

* MIKE OVITZ ! I WANNA BE

* WHY CAN'T I BE MICHAEL OVITZ

* I WANNA BE MICHAEL OVITZ GOD !

THE CRITICS LOVED IT.

A $200 MILLION BUDGET, AND THE CRITICS LOVED IT.

WHOOPI, JACKIE, SLY TOGETHER, AND THE CRITICS LOVED IT.

REAL VIOLENCE, AND THE CRITICS LOVED IT.

CAN YOU IMAGINE ?

NO ISHTA TALK, NONE OF THAT WATERWORLD GARBAGE.

WE WOULD HAVE OUTGROSSED E.T.

AND I'M SAYING THAT ONE HUNDRED PERCENT, OFFICIALLY ON THE RECORD.

BUGGERS ! BUGGERS !

I FUCK-ALL FIXED THE BUGGERS !

DID YOU HEAR THAT, SLIME ?

I FUCK-ALL FIXED THE BUGGERS !

* MR. RIN TIN TIN

* MR. RIN TIN TIN

I FELT WHEN I READ THE FIRST DRAFT THAT WE HAD A HIT MOVIE,

AND THAT WAS BEFORE WHOOPI OR JACKIE OR SLY WERE CAST.

MY ONE PROBLEM WITH THE FIRST DRAFT...

WAS THAT THE CHARACTER THAT BECAME WHOOPI AND THE CHARACTER THAT BECAME JACKIE...

BOTH DIE, AND THE CHARACTER THAT BECOMES SLY HAD AN UNREDEMPTIVE ARC.

ARE YOU REALLY TELLING ME I SHOULD DIE ?

ARE YOU GONNA TELL ME THAT, HONEY ?

I'M WHOOPI GOLDBERG. I CAN'T DIE.

HUH-UH. WHAT ARE YOU ? GOD ?

NO. I WILL NOT DIE.

I WILL ABSOLUTELY NOT DIE.

I WILL POSITIVELY NOT DIE.

NO DIE, NO DIE, NO DIE.

I'D SAY REDEMPTION IS A SUBJECT THAT I REALLY, TRULY BELIEVE IN.

I BELIEVED IN IT FOR JOHN RAMBO; OF COURSE, REDEMPTION FOR ROCKY BALBOA.

I THINK REDEMPTION'S GOOD FOR THE SOUL,

IT'S GOOD FOR BOX OFFICE, IT'S GOOD FOR THE COUNTRY.

IT'S A CLEANSING THING. I MEAN, IT'S A DEFINITE.

I MEAN, LIFE WITHOUT REDEMPTION IS LIKE A DAY WITHOUT ORANGE JUICE. FORGET ABOUT IT.

WHEN I HEARD THAT WHOOPI AND JACKIE AND SLY WERE INTERESTED,

I KNEW THE SCRIPT WOULD NEED A LITTLE WORK, AND SO WE HIRED SIX WRITERS...

AND THEN THREE MORE, AND THEN THREE MORE.

I KNEW WE WERE NOT COMPROMISING THE INTEGRITY OF THE MATERIAL...

OR COMPROMISING THE INTEGRITY OF THE WRITER-- WRITERS--

WRITERS HAVE INTEGRITY. I KNOW THAT.

WHEN I HEARD THAT WHOOPI AND JACKIE AND SLY...

HAD BEEN CAST IN MY SCRIPT, I KNEW THE SCRIPT WAS HISTORY.

I KNEW I WAS DEAD MEAT. I ALSO KNEW I'D BE VERY RICH.

WELL, I FELT THAT I COULD UNDERLINE THE PARENTHETICAL...

AND IRRELEVANT HOMOEROTIC...

ASPECTS OF THE RELATIONSHIPS,

WITHOUT, OF COURSE, DWELLING ON IT...

IN A SEXUAL KIND OF CONTEXT.

I'M A FILM CRITIC. I KNOW IT DOESN'T TAKE MUCH TO BE A SCREENWRITER.

I GOT MY CHANCE TO PROVE THAT ON TRIO.

I TOOK OUT EVERYTHING ESZTERHAZ HAD PUT IN. A CRITIC'S DREAM.

THE MOVIE IS ABOUT GUNS.

HE HAS THE--

UH, HOW SHALL I PUT THIS ?

HE HAS A VERY NARROW, VERY MALE DEFINITION...

OF A GUN-- OF THE USE OF A GUN.

WHEN THEY FIRST CAME TO ME, I FIGURED THEY WANTED ME TO PLAY SLY'S PART...

AND JACKIE'S PART, WHOOPI'S PART,

BUT THEY WANTED MY WORDS, NOT MY FACE.

AH, FUCK IT.

AT THE END THEY BROUGHT ME IN FOR POLISH.

I WAS POLISHING THE SCRIPT...

THAT I HAD ORIGINALLY WRITTEN.

I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE A WORD OF IT.

I PUT IT ALL TOGETHER. WE HAD A FUCKING HOME RUN.

I SCISSORED ALL THE DRAFTS, I THEN PASTED IT TOGETHER--

IVAN REITMAN AND DON SIMPSON TAUGHT ME THAT. SELZNICK USED TO DO IT.

WE WERE READY.

I DIDN'T DIE.

HONEY, I TOLD HIM, "WHOOPI GOLDBERG DOESN'T DIE." I TOLD HIM.

I DID NOT DIE. I NEVER DIE.

EVEN IF I DIE, I WILL COME BACK WITH A REINCARNATION.

SO I NEVER DIE. OKAY ?

I WAS REDEMPTIVE ENOUGH TO SHOOT IT...

BECAUSE I KNEW I'D DO MY OWN POLISH SINCE I AD-LIBBED IT.

I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S HARD TO FOLLOW, BUT IF...

YOU'RE AN ACTOR-WRITER- DIRECTOR-PRODUCER- CHOREOGRAPHER-STUNT...

KIND OF GUY AND WORKED ON MUSIC, YOU'D FOLLOW THAT LOGIC.

* MONEY

* MONEY, MONEY, MONEY

* MONEY

I WAS SURPRISED WHEN JAMES AND JERRY CAME TO ME ABOUT ALAN DIRECTING THE PICTURE.

ALAN WAS A BRILLIANT CUTTER, BUT HE HAD SPENT HIS WHOLE LIFE IN EDITING ROOMS,

AND THIS WAS A VERY BIG PICTURE WITH A VERY BIG BUDGET.

I ASKED THEM WHY THEY WANTED ALAN, AND EVEN SUGGESTED FOUR OTHER TOP DIRECTORS:

DICK DONNER, MEL GIBSON, STUART BAIRD... MEL GIBSON.

AND THEY SAID ALL THE RIGHT THINGS.

ALAN HAD EDITED A GREAT MANY BIG-BUDGET ACTION PICTURES,

AND EVERYBODY IN TOWN KNEW THAT ALAN BADLY WANTED TO DIRECT.

BUT THE REAL REASON JAMES AND JERRY WANTED ALAN TO DO IT...

I FELT WAS THAT THEY VIEWED HIM AS CONTROLLABLE.

THEY BOTH FELT THAT THEY COULD TELL HIM WHAT TO DO ON THE SET.

ALAN'S A VERY SWEET MAN.

HE HAS THIS TIBETAN HOLY ROCK THAT HE RUBS ALL THE TIME...

AND A TANZANIAN FIGHTING STICK THAT HE CARRIES WITH HIM EVERYWHERE.

THERE IS A SPIRITUALITY TO ALAN.

NOTHING SMARMY OR ANXIOUS, BUT JUST A REAL GENTLENESS OF SPIRIT.

CONTROLLABLE ? GOD, NO. NO.

I DON'T RUN THE STUDIO BASED ON WHO'S CONTROLLABLE. WHY WOULD I DO THAT ?

THAT'S RIDICULOUS. IT'S NOT ABOUT CONTROL. IT'S ABOUT ART.

IT'S ABOUT ENTERTAINING PEOPLE.

IT'S ABOUT MAKING TICKET-BUYERS' LIVES BETTER FOR AN HOUR AND 36,

OR AN HOUR AND 42.

THEY SAID WE'D BE MATES, IS WHAT THEY SAID.

THEY SAID I WILL BE THE DIRECTOR AND THEY WILL BE MY MATES.

THAT'S WHAT THE BUGGERS SAID. THAT WAS BEFORE THEY TOLD ME I'D NEVER WORK IN FILM AGAIN.

THAT WAS BEFORE JAMES EDMONDS THREATENED TO KILL ME !

WELL, I KILLED THEM, DIDN'T I ? THE FIENDS ! WHAT FIENDS !

I AM ABSOLUTELY, ONE HUNDRED PERCENT, ON-THE-RECORD CERTAIN...

THAT JAMES EDMONDS WOULD NEVER THREATEN TO KILL ANYONE.

I'VE KNOWN THE GUY 20 YEARS. HE'S A DECENT AND GENTLE HUMAN BEING.

EVEN IF HE DID THREATEN TO KILL HIM...

HE WAS KIDDING.

HE'S A GREAT KIDDER. YOU STILL THERE ?

EVERYBODY IN THIS TOWN KNOWS THAT JAMES EDMONDS HAS A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE.

HE WAS ON AN MGM FLIGHT COMING BACK FROM NEW YORK...

AND HE HAD ORDERED A SPECIAL MEAL-- A PINK'S HOT DOG.

HE WAS STILL EATING MEAT THEN.

THE HOT DOG WAS BURNED.

HE BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THE STEWARD, HE BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THE CHEF.

IT COST HIM $5 MILLION.

HE STOPPED EATING MEAT.

NO ! NO ! NO !

THAT IS COMPLETELY, CATEGORICALLY,

OFFICIALLY AND UNOFFICIALLY NOT TRUE.

HONEY ?

AH, I'VE HAD A GOOD LIFE IN THIS TOWN.

I HAVE NO COMPLAINTS. I'VE MADE A LOT OF HIT MOVIES.

I'VE DATED A LOT OF BEAUTIFUL WOMEN AND, WELL, YOU KNOW, PEOPLE GET JEALOUS.

THEY SAY STUFF, BUT I WOULDN'T HURT A FLY. WOULD I, FRANCESCA ?

ALLESSANDRA.

ALLESSANDRA. WOULD I ? NO, JAMES.

AS THE SHIT WENT ON, ALAN BECAME QUIETER.

HE SAID EVERYTHING WAS FINE, BUT HE WAS ALONE.

HE REVERES HIS WIFE AND FAMILY, BUT THEY WERE IN ENGLAND,

AND HE WAS LIVING IN THAT APARTMENT IN SANTA MONICA,

GOING TO THE SET, WATCHING DAILIES TILL LATE, THEN GOING HOME TO THAT EMPTY APARTMENT.

HIS WIFE AND THE BOYS WERE IN ENGLAND.

WE DID TRY LIVING IN LOS ANGELES FOR A BIT, ALL OF US.

THE BOYS WERE PREPUBESCENT.

THEY DIDN'T REALLY TAKE MUCH TO LOS ANGELES.

WELL, NEITHER DID I, REALLY.

ALAN AND I FELT THEY'D BE EXPOSED...

TO A DIFFERENT WORLD WHEN WE WENT THERE, BUT THEN--

THEN WE DISCOVERED LOS ANGELES TO BE...

A VERY HOMOGENEOUS SOCIETY:

WHITES WITH THE WHITES, AFRICANS WITH THE AFRICANS, SPANIARDS WITH THE SPANIARDS.

WE DECIDED THEY'D LEARN MORE ABOUT LIFE HERE.

IT WAS A MUTUAL DECISION.

I WAS HIS ASSISTANT DIRECTOR.

HE DIDN'T EVEN SAY "WRAP." I DID.

HE DIDN'T HUG WHOOPI OR SLY OR JACKIE. I DID.

- HIYA, LANE. - HEY. I'M JUST SAYIN', YOU KNOW ?

I'M A WRITER. HE RESPECTED THAT.

I AM A DIRECTOR, AND HE RESPECTED THAT,

AND I RESPECTED HIM FOR RESPECTING THAT.

WHY WEREN'T TOM AND NICOLE IN THE PARK TODAY ?

WE DROVE ALL THE WAY TO MALIBU.

I DON'T KNOW. WE'LL TRY AGAIN NEXT WEEKEND, OKAY ?

I TOLD 'EM WE WERE COMING.

HE EDITED FAST AND TIGHT.

WE HAD TO CHANGE VERY LITTLE.

WE HAD A RELEASE DATE TO MAKE, AND YOU CAN IMAGINE THE HYPE ON THE MOVIE.

I MEAN, THE BIGGEST BUDGET IN HISTORY,

AND WHOOPI AND JACKIE AND SLY.

MOTHERFUCK !

WE DIDN'T HAVE TO GO LOOKING FOR TIE-INS. THEY CAME TO US.

BURGER KING. PIZZA HUT. EVERYBODY.

WE WERE GOING TO OPEN IN 7,000 THEATERS.

AND WE WERE CRITIC-PROOF. SHEILA MASLIN, THE CRITIC, WAS ONE OF OUR SCREENWRITERS.

WELL, HE WAS THE BEST. HE WAS THE BEST EDITOR IN THE BUSINESS.

I HAD VERY LITTLE ASSISTING TO DO.

THAT DAY HE WAS STARING AT THIS PIECE OF FOOTAGE,

AND HE WAS SMILING AND HE LOOKED REALLY PLEASED,

AND I WAS SMILING BECAUSE HE WAS SMILING, AND I SAID,

"YOU'RE REALLY PLEASED WITH YOURSELF, AREN'T YOU ?"

AND HE SAID, "I AM INDEED.

I HAVE MANAGED TO MAKE A MOVIE THAT'S PURE SHIT."

I DON'T LIKE GUYS WHO HYPE.

I DON'T LIKE GUYS WHO SAY, "THIS IS GREAT."

I LIKE GUYS WHO SAY, "THIS IS SHIT."

AH, HE WAS INSECURE. MOST ARTISTS ARE.

HE UNDERRATED WHAT HE HAD DONE.

HE WAS TOO CLOSE TO IT. HE WAS BLINDED ARTISTICALLY.

THAT'S WHY WE HAD TO COME IN AND MAKE A FEW-- CHANGES,

BUT WHAT I SAW WAS GREAT. GREAT !

I MEAN, WHAT I LIKED ABOUT ALAN...

WAS THAT HE HAD THIS SPIRITUAL MATURITY,

AND THE ARTISTIC TALENT...

TO LISTEN TO THE SUGGESTIONS AS THEY CAME UP.

GOD, JERRY, YOU'RE GONNA CHOKE !

RIGHT THERE ! CUT IT RIGHT THERE. NO. NO, NO, NO !

WHY ARE YOU SO INSECURE ? YOU CAN'T TAKE ANY SUGGESTIONS.

IT'S AWFUL. IT'S TERRIBLE.

YOU'VE SODOMIZED THIS !

SODOMIZED IT ? WHAT THE FUCK YOU TALKIN' ABOUT ? I DON'T DO THAT.

PLEASE, JAMES, I BEG YOU. MY NAME'S ON THIS MOVIE.

WELL, TAKE YOUR NAME OFF. YOU CAN USE "ALAN SMITHEE."

I AM ALAN SMITHEE ! YEAH, YOU AND HUNDREDS OF OTHERS. NOW--

HE WOULD OFTEN DISAGREE WITH ME,

AND THEN I WOULD OVERRULE HIM.

HEY ! I CHEW IT, I DON'T SMOKE IT. THIS SHIT IS POISON.

ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME ?

OF COURSE HE WOULD DISAGREE.

HE HAS ARTISTIC INTEGRITY.

IT'S TRUE THAT SOMETIMES WHEN HE WOULD DISAGREE,

JERRY WOULD THREATEN TO FIRE HIM,

AND IT'S TRUE THAT ALAN DID NOT WANT TO BE FIRED.

THIS WAS HIS FIRST PICTURE AS A DIRECTOR. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN DISASTROUS FOR HIS CAREER.

I NEVER THREATENED TO SHITTER HIM.

I THREATENED TO KILL HIM. BUT I WAS KIDDING. COME ON, MOVE OVER !

NO, I'M NOT A FUCKIN' BULLY.

I'M NOT SOME SORT OF A WISE-ASS STREET PUNK. PLEASE !

IT'S ABOUT THE TALENT. IT'S ALWAYS BEEN ABOUT THE TALENT.

YOU KNOW, MAYBE JERRY THREATENED TO SHITTER HIM, BUT NOT ME.

I CUT THE PICTURE. I DIDN'T CUT THE PICTURE. THEY CUT THE PICTURE.

I CUT THE PICTURE. I DIDN'T CUT THE PICTURE. THEY CUT THE PICTURE.

I CUT THE PICTURE. I DIDN'T CUT THE PICTURE. THEY CUT--

LET'S CONTEMPLATE TIBET.

OH ! SMASHING !

IT WAS A GOOD CUT.

I LOOKED GOOD.

GOOD ! GOOD ! NO DIE.

GOOD. NO DIE. NO REINCARNATION.

GOOD ! GOOD ! NO DIE.

YO-HO-HO.

YOU KNOW, FOR A SEASONAL THING.

NO ?

I'M DOING THIS FOR FREE, SO DON'T BREAK MY BALLS, OKAY ?

I CUT THE PICTURE. ASK ANYBODY.

THE STUDIO APPROVED IT. I CUT IT.

OH, YUCK ! THAT SMELLS !

YOU ALL RIGHT ? SORRY.

CALL ME DADDY.

THAT BLOODY BASTARD TOOK IT FROM ME AND BLOODY WELL CUT IT HIMSELF !

HE GAVE IT TO THE BLOODY STUDIO, AND THAT STUPID BLOODY DWARF SAID "THANK YOU."

BUT I FELT THAT ALAN WAS OVERREACTING.

I TRIED TO TELL HIM THIS WAS HIS FIRST MOVIE.

WHAT HE WAS DESCRIBING WAS PAR FOR THE COURSE.

IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.

NEVER ! I'VE NEVER INTERFERED WITH A DIRECTOR.

I MEAN, I WAS A DIRECTOR, SO I KNOW HOW THEY FEEL.

INTERFERE WITH A DIRECTOR ? NEVER.

DIRECTOR'S MY BIGGEST ALLY, AND I'VE SAVED A LOT OF THEIR JOBS.

THEY'VE SAVED ONE OR TWO OF MY PERFORMANCES.

PUT YOURSELF IN MY PLACE. LET'S SAY--

I THINK IT'S LIKE BEING ON THIS JUMBO JET, AND YOU'RE THIS GREAT PILOT,

BUT YOU'RE A PASSENGER, AND THE GUY FLYING THE PLANE IS--

HE'S KIND OF A HACK PILOT, ALL RIGHT ?

YOU'RE GOING THROUGH TURBULENCE, THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN,

AND YOU WANT TO GET UP THERE AND GRAB THE CONTROLS AND SAVE YOUR LIFE,

BUT YOU CAN'T DO IT BECAUSE IT'S UN-- POLITICALLY UNCORRECT...

OR IT'S ILLEGAL OR THERE ARE UNION PROBLEMS,

SO WE ALL GO DOWN IN FLAMES, OKAY ?

YOU KNOW WHAT ? THIS KID IS FIREPROOF. I'M NOT GOING DOWN FOR NOBODY.

BUT DO I INTERFERE ?

YES. NO. NO. YES. IT ALL DEPENDS WHAT TIME IT IS, YOU KNOW ?

YEAH, I DO. SO WHAT ?

THE DIRECTOR IS IN CONTROL OF EVERYONE,

BUT HE'S NOT IN CONTROL OF ME.

AS LONG AS HE'S NOT IN CONTROL OF ME,

I HELP THE DIRECTOR BE IN CONTROL.

IF SOMEHOW HE STUPIDLY THINKS HE'S IN CONTROL OF ME--

I FELT SOMETHING WAS VERY WRONG WITH ME.

I-I COULDN'T CONCENTRATE.

I HAD TO STOP READING WAR AND PEACE.

I WALK AROUND THE LA BREA TAR PITS,

WHICH I CONSIDER A HOLY PLACE,

AND THEY SUDDENLY SEEM LIKE A VISION OF HELL.

I-I CALL MYRNA AND THE BOYS AND I'D FIND MYSELF--

EVEN TIBET AND TANZANIA STOPPED INTERESTING ME.

I LOVE MY ROCK...

AND MY STICK.

USUALLY WHEN HE CALLED, HE SAID EVERYTHING WAS FINE WITH THE MOVIE,

BUT HIS VOICE WAS BROKEN.

I THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT HE WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR.

BUT THEN I DISMISSED IT.

WE'VE BEEN VERY LOVINGLY MARRIED FOR NEARLY 30 YEARS NOW.

DID I GIVE YOU ENOUGH OF THE BEEF, DEAR ? YES, MY DEAR. THANK YOU.

MY COUSIN ANDREW.

I WAS OVER AT EVAN'S HOUSE...

WHEN JAMES CALLED AND TOLD ME WHAT HE WANTED FROM ME.

SO I CALLED MY FRIEND CINDY AND WE WENT TO LE DOME FOR AN EARLY DINNER,

AND PRETENDED TO BE SURPRISED TO SEE THEM.

WE WENT OVER TO THE TABLE AND, YOU KNOW--

"HI, JAMES." "HEY, MISHI." LIKE IT WAS A BIG SURPRISE.

MICHELLE ! YOU LOOK GREAT. GOOD TO SEE YOU. WHAT A SURPRISE.

AND THEN HE INTRODUCED US TO ALAN, AND WE SAT DOWN WITH THE TWO OF THEM.

NO, I HAVE NO RECOLLECTION OF ANYBODY JOINING US...

THAT NIGHT THAT WE HAD DINNER AT LE DOME.

AND I DID, I TOLD HIM HE NEEDED TO GET LAID,

BUT I WAS SAYING THAT TO HIM AS A FRIEND.

WHAT I MEANT WAS, "FLY YOUR WIFE OVER HERE." THAT'S ALL.

I'M A GOOD GUY.

ALAN, THOUGH-- HE'S NOT SAYING MUCH.

I'M SITTING NEXT TO HIM AND HE'S ALL TUCKED INTO...

HIS JUNGLE OUTFIT, HOLDING HIS STICK.

GIVE ME THAT ! NO, NO.

ALAN !

I DON'T THINK WE'RE QUITE READY FOR THAT YET.

"OH, YES, WE ARE," I SAY TO ALAN, AND HE LAUGHS.

NOW HE'S LOOKING AT MY BREASTS.

AND JAMES ORDERS ANOTHER BOTTLE OF CRISTAL,

AND ALAN IS CHUGGING IT DOWN.

WAIT A MINUTE ! SHE SAID WHAT ?

AM I SUPPOSED TO ANSWER FOR EVERY LOONY-TUNE ALLEGATION BY EVERY DUMB BIMBO IN THIS TOWN ?

GET OUT OF HERE ! GET OUT OF HERE !

I AM-- I'M A PRODUCER, NOT A PIMP !

THERE'S A DIFFERENCE !

WE WENT TO HIS PLACE.

GOD.

WE-- YOU KNOW--

WELL, HE WAS DOWN. I COULD TELL THAT.

I MEAN, I'VE GOT A HEART.

ARTISTS, YOU KNOW. GOD LOVE 'EM.

I CALLED JAMES THE NEXT DAY AND GAVE HIM THE DETAILS.

THAT WAS PART OF THE DEAL. HE MESSENGERED THE MONEY OVER TO ME.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT TO KNOW ALL THIS STUFF FOR ?" I ASKED JAMES.

JAMES SAID HE WANTED...

TO LOOK HIM IN THE FACE...

AND MAKE HIM KNOW...

THAT HE KNEW EVERYTHING.

THAT'S REALLY SOME SILLY, UGLY SHIT.

WHY WOULD I WANT TO COMPROMISE SOMEONE LIKE THAT ?

TO FUCK 'EM OVER, TO RIP OUT THEIR GUTS ? THAT'S NOT ME.

I'M NOT SAYING THERE AREN'T PEOPLE IN THIS TOWN THAT WOULDN'T DO IT,

BUT, YOU KNOW, THAT'S REALLY OLD HOLLYWOOD SHIT.

THAT'S THAT HARRY COHEN SHIT. THOSE GUYS, THEY DIDN'T BELIEVE IN KARMA. I DO.

I DON'T EVEN EAT MEAT ANYMORE. I'M ALL PASTA.

YOU WANNA KNOW THE TRUTH ? I LIKE THE SAP A LOT.

HE WAS-- HE WAS ROMANTIC.

HE'S NOT LIKE THE KIND OF PEOPLE I MEET HERE AT BOB'S HOUSE.

HE'S NOT A JACK OR WARREN KIND OF GUY.

* I DRIVE A BEAT-UP CAR

HE KISSED ME WHEN I LEFT.

HE SAID, "THANK YOU, LOVE."

* GO ON ! GO ON ! FUCK THE BASTARD, TRADE SEX *

STAND UP. * BABY, WHO'S YOUR MAN

* BABY, WHO'S YOUR MAN

* BABY, WHO'S YOUR MAN HEY.

TURN AROUND.

NEW HAIRDO. SOPHISTICATED LADY, GRACE KELLY TIME.

YOU LOOK GREAT, KID. THANK YOU, DADDY.

LUCKY DADDY.

GOOD THING THAT INCEST TURNS HIM ON.

AH, CHRIST ! WE'D DONE THE ADVANCE CRITICS, THE BILLBOARDS WERE UP.

WE WORKED THE FAST-FOOD TIE-IN.

THE THREE DUDES WERE EVERYWHERE. YOU COULDN'T GET AWAY FROM 'EM.

THEY WERE MORE SUBCONSCIOUS THAN THE BATMAN LOGO.

WE HAD TO CUT ONE OF JACKIE'S LINES.

YOU KNOW, SLY WANTED IT OUT.

WE HAD TO DO IT BEHIND JACKIE'S BACK.

ALAN SAYS, "I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT."

ALL THAT WAS LEFT WAS TO GET THE MASTER TO THE LAB, GET IT DUPED.

ALAN SAID HE'D TAKE CARE OF THAT TOO.

HEY ! JAMES IS HERE ALREADY.

HOW DO YOU LIKE OUR TRUCKS ?

SPIELBERG'S GOT ONE JUST LIKE IT. SO DOES GEFFEN.

KEANU'S GETTING ONE.

UH, JERRY GOT THE CALL AND, AND HE'S THE ONE WHO TOLD ME.

YEAH. COULDN'T BELIEVE IT. I MEAN, I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT.

I JUST SAID, "WHAT ?"

WHAT DO YOU SAY IN A MOMENT LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW ?

I USUALLY HAVE MY READER WRITE THE RESPONSES.

I JUST SAID, "WHAT ?"

THE BILLBOARDS WERE ALL UP.

THE PREMIERE WAS SET TO GO AT GRAUMAN'S.

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN THE BIGGEST PREMIERE SINCE GONE WITH THE WIND.

THE THREE DUDES WERE ALL COMING. MTV WAS GONNA COVER IT LIVE.

THE MASTER PRINT WAS GONE. THAT'S ALL JERRY SAID.

- I SAID, "GONE ?" - I SAID, "GONE ? WHO HAD IT ?"

THEY SAID, "SMITHEE. HE TOOK IT DOWN TO THE LAB FOR THE DUPING."

- WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY ? WITHOUT THAT MASTER NEGATIVE-- - WE'RE FUCKED !

- WITHOUT THAT MASTER NEGATIVE, WE DIDN'T HAVE A MOVIE ! - AND WHERE'S SMITHEE ?

I SAID, "WHERE THE FUCK IS HE ?"

THEY SAID, "GONE."

WE GOT HIS NOTE AN HOUR LATER BY MESSENGER.

ALL IT SAID WAS "IT'S MY MOVIE. MY MOVIE."

THERE WAS A POSTCARD WITH IT. THE LA BREA TAR PITS !

I SHOULDA KILLED HIM WHEN I SAID I WAS GONNA KILL HIM !

OH, NO, NO. YOU HAVE TO EDIT THAT OUT.

GODDAMN TALENT ! CRAZY FUCKIN' ARTIST !

MOTHERFUCKIN' PIG ! FUCKIN' SON-OF-A-BITCH !

I GOT A FUCKIN' BUSINESS TO RUN HERE !

I GOT A FUCKIN' BUSINESS ! I GOT PEOPLE IN TOKYO !

I GOT FUCKIN' STOCKHOLDERS WANT--

CRAZY SON-OF-A-BITCH MOTHERFUCKER !

HE DOESN'T MEAN THAT. HE JUST LOST HIS TEMPER.

YOU KNOW, SCORSESE'S HIS DAUGHTER'S GODFATHER.

DE PALMA TOO ! AND DE PALMA-- DE PALMA'S THE OTHER DAUGHTER'S GODFATHER.

WE HAD $212 MILLION INTO IT, NOT COUNTING PRINTS AND ADS.

$212 MILLION, AND SMITHEE HAD IT IN HIS HANDS.

* THE ITSY-BITSY SPIDER

* WENT UP THE WATERSPOUT

* DOWN CAME THE RAIN

* AND WASHED THE SPIDER OUT

WHERE THE FUCK WAS HE ?

GONE. GONE. HE WAS GONE. GONE LIKE BURT REYNOLDS.

GONE LIKE CHER. GONE LIKE ELVIS. CHER'S COMIN' BACK.

SHE SURVIVED SONNY, SHE SURVIVED INFOMERCIALS. SHE'S GOT THE HUMAN SPIRIT.

BURT ! BURT'S COMIN' BACK TOO. AND ELVIS LIVES IN KALAMAZOO !

IT WAS IN THE INQUIRER. THERE YOU GOT IT. THREE OUT OF THREE, HUH ?

WE THOUGHT WE HAD THE WHOLE F--

I'M A PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR. THE STUDIO HIRED ME.

WE GOT TO BE FRIENDS OVER THAT HEIDI BUSINESS.

WE HAD FIVE DAYS BEFORE THIS MOVIE WAS SUPPOSED TO OPEN.

FIRST WE WANTED TO CONTAIN IT. WE DIDN'T WANT IT BLEEDING INTO THE MEDIA.

THE STUDIO BROUGHT IN A PSYCHOLOGIST. I WANTED A PROFILE OF SMITHEE.

I'D HEARD ABOUT HIS TANZANIAN STICK, HIS TIBETAN HOLY ROCK,

HIS PARAMILITARY OUTFIT.

THESE FACTORS DID NOT MAKE ME COMFORTABLE.

WE STARTED LOOKIN' FOR HIM.

JESUS, WE HAD ONLY FIVE DAYS UNTIL THE MOVIE OPENED.

WE HAD TO GET THAT FILM BACK.

A BIG STORY FROM HOLLYWOOD TONIGHT:

SOURCES TELL CHANNEL 3 NEWS THAT THE DIRECTOR OF THE BLOCKBUSTER FILM TRIO,

SCHEDULED TO OPEN IN FIVE DAYS--

...HAS STOLEN HIS OWN FILM FROM THE LAB AND DISAPPEARED. SMITHEE, WHO IS--

...53, AND DESCRIBED TO US BY THIS CHANNEL'S USUALLY RELIABLE SOURCES--

...AS A LONER WHO HAS BEEN DESPONDENT OVER MARITAL-- PROBLEMS.

* GET GONE, BABY

* BABY, JUST GET GONE

* GET GONE, GET GONE

* I THOUGHT LOVIN' YOU WAS THE RIGHT THING *

* BUT I GUESS THAT I WAS WRONG

* GET GONE, BABY

* BABY, JUST GET GONE

* GET GONE, GET GONE

I DON'T FEEL BAD ABOUT SAYING ANYTHING TO THE MEDIA.

HE WOULDN'T HAVE POPPED MISHI IF HE WASN'T HAVING TROUBLE AT HOME.

EVEN IF HIS WIFE'S PICTURE WAS ON THE NIGHTSTAND, THE POP SPEAKS FOR ITSELF.

WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO SAY ? THAT HE DID THIS BECAUSE HE THOUGHT THE MOVIE WAS SHIT ?

YOU ALWAYS TRY TO AVOID ANY KIND OF NEGATIVITY BEFORE YOU OPEN.

THEY WOKE ME UP,

YOU KNOW, THESE TABLOID MUCKRAKERS,

AND THEY ASKED ME IF ALAN AND I WERE HAVING MARITAL PROBLEMS.

THEY'RE BLOODY CHEEKY.

SO I TOLD THEM OF COURSE WE WEREN'T,

ALAN AND I WERE VERY HAPPY WHEN WE SAW EACH OTHER EVERY SIX MONTHS OR SO.

* I'M GIVING CONDOMS FOR CHRISTMAS *

* PRETTY ONES RED, YELLOW AND BLUE *

I DETERMINED THAT HE WAS A HEALTHY AND GENTLE MAN.

HE MAINLY WORKED. HE WOULD NEVER GO TO A PLACE LIKE SPAGO'S.

HE ATE MOSTLY AT THE DOGGIE DINER.

WHEN I SHARED THESE CONCLUSIONS WITH THE STUDIO,

THEY THREATENED TO BRING IN ANOTHER PSYCHOLOGIST FOR A REWRITE.

* OUT CAME THE SUN

* AND DRIED UP ALL THE RAIN

WHEN I HEARD HE ATE AT DOGGIE DINER, I TURNED TO JERRY,

I SAID, "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND ?

YOU ALLOWED A GUY WHO EATS AT DOGGIE DINER TO DIRECT A $200 MILLION MOVIE ?"

I SAID I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS THAT WAY.

REMEMBER, JAMES ? YOU DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS THAT WAY.

IF WE HAD KNOWN ABOUT DOGGIE DINER,

WE NEVER WOULD HAVE LET HIM DIRECT IT.

LET'S NOT POINT ANY FINGERS, OKAY ?

THAT'S FUNNY.

I REASSESSED IT.

I SAW WE WERE TALKING CLASSIC LONER SYNDROME NOW.

LEE HARVEY OSWALD TIME. JUNK FOOD AND DESOLATION CITY.

TEXAS TOWER DEJA VU. TRAVIS BICKLE, HERE I COME.

I HELPED CUT TAXI DRIVER. HMM.

WE WERE EVERYWHERE.

WE HAD THE L.A.P.D. WORKING WITH US.

WE STAKED OUT THE AIRPORT, FOCUSING ON FLIGHTS TO TANZANIA AND TIBET.

WE STAKED OUT THE LA BREA TAR PITS.

WE STAKED OUT HIS APARTMENT.

WE STAKED OUT THE DOGGIE DINER. THERE ARE A LOT OF THEM.

IT TOOK A LOT OF MANPOWER, A LOT OF OVERTIME.

BUSINESS AFFAIRS WASN'T HAPPY.

I SAW MYSELF ON THE BLOODY TELLY.

I WAS SITTING IN A PUB ON SUNSET, DRINKING A PINK GIN,

AND I SAW MYSELF ON THE BLOODY TELLY.

* AND THE ITSY-BITSY SPIDER

* CLIMBED UP THE SPOUT AGAIN

HE WAS QUITE PROUD ABOUT HAVING STOLEN THE FILM.

HE SAID THEY'D MADE IT INTO A VERY BAD FILM,

AND HE DIDN'T WANT THE WORLD TO SEE IT.

HE FELT HE HAD THE RIGHT TO MAKE THAT DECISION 'CAUSE HE WAS THE DIRECTOR.

I DIDN'T ARGUE WITH ALAN.

I LIVE A VERY SIMPLE LIFE HERE. I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOLLYWOOD THINGS.

* BABY DOLL, BABY DOLL

* WHAT YA DOIN' TO ME

* BABY DOLL, BABY DOLL

WHEN JAMES CAME BACK TO THE BEACH THAT NIGHT,

HE WAS HORRIBLY DEPRESSED AND ANGRY.

WE TRIED SEX, BUT IT DIDN'T DO ANY GOOD.

HE SMOKED A JOINT, BUT IT DIDN'T DO ANY GOOD.

HE SNORTED COKE, BUT IT DIDN'T DO ANY GOOD.

HE ATE SOME PASTA, BUT IT DIDN'T DO ANY GOOD.

HE DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DRINK.

HE BELIEVES ALCOHOL IS POISON.

WE TRIED SEX AGAIN, BUT...

THERE WASN'T MUCH IMPROVEMENT.

HE SAID ONLY ROBERT EVANS COULD HELP HIM.

HE SAID ROBERT EVANS TRANSCENDED SEX AND DRUGS.

ALOE VERA, ALOE VERA ! SHE'S MY EX-GIRLFRIEND.

I DUMPED HER. NATURALLY SHE'S GONNA MAKE UP ALL THIS SHIT ABOUT ME.

HELL HATH NO FURY-- BASIC INSTINCT. FATAL ATTRACTION.

I DON'T DO DRUGS.

I TOLD YOU I DON'T EVEN EAT MEAT. I'M A PASTA MAN.

AND THAT IS WHY PARAMOUNT...

IS GOING TO BE PARAMOUNT IN THE INDUSTRY IN THE '70S.

I PROMISE YOU THAT.

BY THE TIME EDMONDS GETS TO MY HOUSE, I'D ALREADY SEEN IT ON TV.

THE WHOLE FUCKIN' TOWN'S TALKIN' ABOUT IT. POOR GUY.

ANY OF US COULD PUT TERRORISM ONTO THE SCREEN, BUT WHEN IT'S FOR REAL...

AND IT HITS YOU RIGHT IN THE COJONES, IT HURTS BAD.

WALKS RIGHT PAST ME, SITS IN HIS CHAIR IN THE PROJECTION ROOM,

BUT THERE AIN'T NOTHING ON THE SCREEN.

HE'S JUST STARIN'...

AND STARIN'... AND STARIN'.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I'M LUCKY I GOT THE ONE DOCTOR THAT CAN CLEAR UP HIS SINUSES.

THAT'S MISHI. SEND HER IN. DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. DON'T WANNA.

BUT SHE'S SOME HELL OF A DOCTOR.

I WAS TIRED.

MY MOM AND I HAD BEEN DOWN TO CHRISTOPHE GETTING HIGHLIGHTS ALL DAY,

AND THEN WE'D GONE DOWN TO BULGARI TO CHECK OUT THE DIAMOND CROSSES,

SO I WAS TIRED.

AND WHEN BOB ASKED ME TO GO IN AND CHECK ON JAMES,

I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE IT.

BUT JAMES WAS JUST SITTING THERE IN THE DARK IN WARREN'S CHAIR,

AND HE LOOKED SO VULNERABLE, LIKE SUCH A VICTIM.

AND I WAS FEELING GUILTY ABOUT SLEEPING WITH ALAN SMITHEE.

I MEAN, IT WASN'T LIKE SLEEPING WITH O.J. OR ANYTHING,

BUT STILL...

ALAN HAD STOLEN A FILM.

THAT'S NOT GOOD.

THAT'S BAD.

I'D BEEN OUT WITH A COUPLE OF GAFFERS. WE HAD A FEW.

I GOT BACK TO MY PLACE, AND I GUESS I WAS JUST ABOUT RIGHT HERE.

I SAW HIM. HE HIT ME.

LIES ! BLOODY, FUCKING LIES !

WELL, IT WAS LATE AT NIGHT. I HEARD SOMETHING BACK HERE.

IT WAS REALLY DARK OUT.

ALAN SMITHEE WAS OUT THERE, WAVING A STICK AROUND LIKE A MADMAN,

AND I FIRED HIM ON THE SPOT.

WE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN VERY SELECTIVE AT TAA.

I MEAN, STALLONE BEGGED AND PLEADED WITH US.

BALLOCKS ! IT'S BALLOCKS ! I WAS NEVER THERE.

I RANG HIM TO TELL HIM I DIDN'T WANT TO RELEASE ANOTHER TERRIBLE MOVIE.

HE ASKED ME IF I'D LOST MY MARBLES.

"THE WORLD WILL SEE A MILLION MORE AWFUL MOVIES," HE SAID.

"WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE IF ONE OF THEM IS YOURS ?"

THEN I FIRED HIM. HE DIDN'T WANT TO BE FIRED.

HE SAID IF I GAVE THE FILM BACK, HE COULD GET REDFORD INTO MY NEXT MOVIE.

I WASN'T IMPRESSED. I KNOW TAA.

IF THEY REALLY WANT SOMETHING, THEY USE CRUISE AS THEIR BAIT, NOT REDFORD.

STILL, REDFORD IS ONE STEP UP FROM HOFFMAN.

LET'S GO, LET'S GO ! GOT 'EM. COME ON !

ALL RIGHT. NOW WE HAD TWO INCIDENTS THAT WERE VERY SCARY.

FIRST, HE BEAT UP THE AD.

HE GOT OUR ATTENTION. WE TOOK VERY GOOD CARE OF HIM.

THEN, HE THREATENED HIS OWN AGENT.

I MEAN, YOU DON'T THREATEN AGENTS IN THIS TOWN.

IT WORKS THE OTHER WAY, YOU KNOW ?

I MEAN, THIS GUY WAS A FEW FRIES SHORT OF A JUMBO MEAL, YOU KNOW ?

OH, IT'S-- THAT'S-- WHAT DO YOU CALL IT ? A PENALTY-- A FOUL.

"AMOK." THAT WAS THE WORD THEY USED.

THAT WAS THE WORD THE MURDOCH PAPERS USED.

THEY ASKED ME, "WHY HAS YOUR HUSBAND RUN AMOK ?"

AS IF IT WAS MY FAULT,

MAKING THEIR TABLOID INFERENCES AND INNUENDOS IN THEIR MURDOCH WAY.

I GOT VERY ANGRY WITH ALAN THEN.

I THOUGHT, WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO SPOIL MY SIMPLE LIFE ?

IT'S ONLY A BLOODY MOVIE.

BAD SHIT ! BAD SHIT ! IT WAS TOP OF THE NATIONAL NEWS.

IT WAS BANNER-FUCKING-HEADLINES.

P.T. BARNUM COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT ANY BETTER.

MERRICK COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT ANY BETTER.

JON PETERS COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT ANY BETTER.

I COULDN'T DO IT ANY BETTER.

ALL WE NEEDED WAS TO GET THE DAMN FILM BACK.

ON THE LINE IS THE DIRECTOR OF TRIO ALAN SMITHEE.

CAN YOU HEAR ME ? KISS MY BUM, LARRY ! WE CAN HEAR YOU JUST FINE.

PUCKER UP. ARE YOU PUCKERED UP ? YES.

WHAT CAN YOU TELL ME ABOUT WHY YOU ARE DOING THIS, MR. SMITHEE ?

YOU STUPID FUCKER. WHY ? YES, WHY ?

BURN, HOLLYWOOD, BURN ! BURN, HOLLYWOOD, BURN !

YOU'RE GONNA BURN TRIO ? WHY ? I MUST.

O.J. DID IT, DIDN'T HE, LARRY ?

YOU MUST ? WHY MUST YOU ?

ARE YOU DAFT ? YOU KNOW HE DID IT.

DIDN'T WHOOPI WORK IN THE PART ? YES, BUT TED DANSON RUINED HER.

WAS IT JACKIE CHAN THEN ? NO, NO, NO. HE DOESN'T SPEAK ANY ENGLISH.

THEN IT'S STALLONE ? NO, HE'S FINALLY OUT OF THE CLOSET.

THEN WHAT IS WRONG ? MICHAEL OVITZ IS GONE, THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG.

YOU MEAN, YOU'RE AFRAID IT WON'T BE COMMERCIALLY SUCCESSFUL.

YOU'RE AFRAID OF YOUR CAREER.

I'M AT THE TOP, YOU SCHUMCK ! YOU KISS EVERYBODY ELSE'S BUTT. WHY AREN'T YOU KISSING MINE ?

YOU'RE AT THE PINNACLE OF YOUR CAREER, AND YOU'RE GONNA BURN YOUR OWN FILM.

I SAW YOU KISS MARLON BRANDO. WHY DID YOU KISS MARLON BRANDO ?

HE WAS CALLING INTO THE TV SHOWS.

HE HAD HIS FACE ALL OVER THE FRONT PAGES.

THIS GUY WAS MORE POPULAR ON THE RUSH LIMBAUGH CIRCUIT...

THAN HEIDI FLEISS AND HUGH GRANT HAD BEEN.

HE WAS BADMOUTHING THE MOVIE, THOUGH.

I MEAN, THAT'S ALWAYS--

SCARY. AHH! MOMMY !

MOMMY ! MOMMY !

ALAN WAS EVERYWHERE. EVERYWHERE.

HE DID WHAT BOB TRIED TO DO WHEN HE WROTE HIS BOOK: BE EVERYWHERE.

I'D BEEN WITH SOME NAMES, BUT I REALIZE...

JACK, WARREN, EVEN HENRY-- ALAN WAS EVERYWHERE.

HE WAS TURNING INTO THE BIGGEST NAME I'D EVER BEEN WITH EVERYWHERE.

I'M NOT A STAR-FUCKER.

FROM WHAT WE NOW KNOW, HE WAS LIVING MOSTLY IN HIS CAR AND DRIVING AROUND.

HE WAS EATING BOLOGNA SANDWICHES AND DRIVING UP AND DOWN THE 405.

I DON'T KNOW WHY NOBODY PULLED HIM OVER.

WE HAD HIS LICENSE PLATE NUMBER. IT WAS A BLACK RANGE ROVER, THOUGH.

HALF THE WEST SIDE DRIVES THAT CAR.

WELL, WE HAD TO DO SOMETHING.

L.A.P.D. WASN'T GETTING ANYWHERE. RIZZO WASN'T GETTING ANYWHERE.

IT WAS MY IDEA TO GO OUT AND TRY AND COMMUNICATE WITH SMITHEE.

I'M A COMMUNICATOR.

I SAID TO JAMES, "YOU GOT A PRESENCE, A SOLIDITY, A PERSONA.

GO ON TV. TRY TO TALK TO SMITHEE." YOU KNOW, TIME WAS RUNNING OUT.

THE EXHIBITORS WERE GOING CRAZY WONDERING IF THEY WERE EVER GONNA GET THEIR PICTURE--

PUSSY.

JAMES EDMONDS, THE PRODUCER OF THE MOVIE TRIO,

IS WITH US LIVE TONIGHT WITH THIS DRAMATIC APPEAL.

JAMES ? THANK YOU, MARIO.

ALAN, WE KNOW YOU'RE OUT THERE,

AND WE KNOW THAT YOU'RE IN PAIN.

WE WERE A FAMILY ALL THROUGH THE SHOOT, AND WE'RE A FAMILY STILL,

AND WHEN YOU NEEDED OUR ADVICE DURING THE SHOOT, WE WERE THERE,

AND OUR SOLE INTENT WAS TO MAKE A GREAT MOVIE.

WELL, YOU DID THAT, ALAN, AND WE'RE PROUD OF YOU FOR IT.

PLEASE CALL US. PLEASE.

THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE WHAT YOUR--

YOUR GENIUS HAS CREATED.

IT'S ONLY HUMAN TO BE DISPLEASED WITH SOMETHING THAT WE'VE DONE, BUT DON'T--

DON'T DO AN INJUSTICE TO YOURSELF, ALAN.

WE LOVE YOU, AND WE'RE PRAYING FOR YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

LATER TONIGHT ON ACTION 3 NEWS, THE PIT BULL THEY COULDN'T KILL,

AND ANOTHER SEVERED PENIS FOUND ON THE SONY LOT IN CULVER CITY.

HOW'D IT GO ? FUCKING SENSATIONAL.

JAMES, IS THIS MOVIE REALLY A PIECE OF SHIT ?

IT'S FUCKING SENSATIONAL. THANKS FOR COMING.

I WORK AT THE BIG SHELL STATION RIGHT OVER THERE IN SOUTH CENTRAL.

RANGE ROVER PULLS IN. DUDE GETS OUT, PUMPS SOME GAS.

IT WAS THE DUDE, MAN. IT WAS THE DUDE !

HEY. YOU GONNA BURN IT ?

OH, YES. ABSOLUTELY. I HAVE NO CHOICE.

YOU KNOW THEY'RE GONNA KICK THAT PINK, WHITE, KHAKI ASS OF YOURS, RIGHT ?

YES, ABSOLUTELY. THEY'LL HAVE NO CHOICE.

LET ME ASK YOU. YOU STILL GOT THAT STICK, DUDE ?

YEAH. IT'S AFRICAN. IT PROTECTS ME.

WANNA SEE IT ? IT'S IN THE VEHICLE.

IT'S LOVELY, ISN'T IT ?

IT'S COOL. NICE. YEAH.

WOULD YOU LIKE IT ? HERE, TAKE IT.

NO, MAN. IT'S YOUR STICK. YEAH.

- I'M NOT REALLY AFRICAN. - AROUND HERE YOU'RE GONNA NEED THIS.

WELL, I STILL HAVE MY HOLY ROCK.

- COME ON, DUDE. MAN, LET'S GO GET SOME RIBS, HUH ? - YEAH.

SO WHEN HE WAS DONE, I TELL HIM, "YOU THE LUCKIEST WHITE BOY THAT'D EVER DIE."

HE SAID, "OH, NO, NOT ME. I FUCKED MYSELF."

I SAID, "NAH, MAN. YOU COMIN' WITH ME. WE GONNA HIDE YOU OUT."

HE SAID, "YOU NOT GONNA TAKE MY FILM CANS, IS YOU ?"

I SAID, "NAH, MAN. I CAN DIG. I'M--"

"...AN ACTOR," HE SAYS.

I LOOK AT HIM AND REALIZE, WELL, CERTAINLY HE IS.

THIS IS LOS ANGELES. EVERYONE'S AN ACTOR.

SO I TELL HIM ABOUT THE FAMILY.

THE AFRICAN AMERICAN GUERILLA FILM FAMILY.

WE CAN DIG THAT.

ART. INTEGRITY VERSUS THE SYSTEM. THE STUDIOS.

BABY BACK RIBS WITH HOT SAUCE. MMM.

BLACK-EYED PEAS AND COLLARD GREENS.

I HAD NO IDEA HE WAS FORMING A TERRORIST ALLIANCE WITH THE SCHVARTZES--

UH, AFRICAN AMERICANS. HI.

OF COURSE, IT WOULD NOT HAVE MATTERED ONE WHIT HAD WE KNOWN WHAT HE WAS DOING.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW IF I'D MENTIONED THIS. HARRY BELAFONTE IS ACTUALLY...

A VERY GOOD FRIEND OF MINE AND, UH, SPIKE--

LEE ? LEE, YES, ONCE INVITED MY WIFE AND I TO A KNICKS GAME...

AND AT THE LAST SECOND HE COULDN'T MAKE IT, BUT HE GAVE US THE TICKETS, YOU KNOW ?

WHAT'S HIS NAME ? WHAT'S HIS NAME ? WHEN HE-- UH, MANDELA. NELSON.

NELSON. I'M THE ONE WHO SET UP THE RECEPTION FOR HIM.

I USED SOMEONE'S IN THE KITCHEN AND WOLFGANG PUCK. FOR NELSON. IT WAS FABULOUS.

PLEASE TELL ME THAT THIS IS CAVIAR HOUSE BELUGA.

NOPE. IT'S PETROSSIAN. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

GO GET HER. HONEY ?

FINE.

YOU DO HAVE THE WIDE-ANGLE LENS FOR THIS ?

WHEN WE FOUND OUT AFTERWARDS WHERE HE HAD BEEN, I WASN'T THE LEAST BIT SURPRISED.

I THINK THAT WHOLE TELLURIDE CROWD IS SUBVERSIVE.

RIZZO FOUND OUT AFTERWARDS THAT MANY OF THE AFRICAN AMERICANS WHO HAD BEEN WITH SMITHEE...

HAD ALSO BEEN UP AT TELLURIDE.

ONE OF THEM HAD EVEN BEEN TO VENICE.

VENICE ? JESUS. BUNCH OF COMMUNISTS IN VENICE.

I'VE NEVER BEEN TO TELLURIDE. I SKI IN ASPEN.

ONE YEAR WE COULDN'T GET IN, AND WE HAD TO GO TO VAIL. DISGUSTING.

VAIL ? THAT'S WORSE THAN TELLURIDE.

I TOLD YOU WE COULDN'T GET IN.

THAT'S THE ONLY REASON I WENT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU COULDN'T GET IN ? YOU ?

YOU DIDN'T FLUSH. NO, I NEVER FLUSH MYSELF.

BULGARI, HERE I COME.

MR. EDMONDS. ALAN SMITH.

EXCUSE ME ? ALAN SMITH.

FROM THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER. S-M-I-T-H. AH. AH. AH.

YOU'RE THE GUYS WHO DID THAT STORY ON RYAN O'NEAL. WE SURE DID.

DID HE SUE YOU ? HE SURE DIDN'T.

ALAN SMITH. S-M-I-T-H. HE SHOULD HAVE SUED YOU.

I THINK I ACTUALLY HIT HIM.

SO ANYHOW, I CALLED THE FAMILY TOGETHER.

SMITHEE SAT WITH STAGGER LEE WHILE WE WERE WAITING.

STAGGER PUT THE THIRD MAN ON.

SMITHEE STARTED ANALYZING THE CUTTIN' SCENE BY SCENE,

SO STAGGER STARTED TAKING NOTES.

SO I ASKED HIM, "YOU LIKE SPIKE ?"

HE GOES, "OH, YES, INDEED."

"DO YOU LIKE JOHN SINGLETON ?" "OH, YES, INDEED."

"YOU LIKE CARL FRANKLIN ?" "OH, YES, INDEED."

"YOU LIKE THE BROTHERS BROTHERS ?" "YEAH."

"THE BROTHERS BROTHERS. THE ULTIMATE STREET FILMMAKERS IN HISTORY ?

YOU AIN'T NO BROTHER AND WORD UP BITCH ?"

HE GOES, "I AM IN AWE. IN AWE."

I HAVE THE GREATEST RESPECT FOR AFRICAN AMERICAN FILMMAKERS.

THEY ARE THE CUTTING EDGE, THEY ARE THE DRIVING FORCE, OF AMERICAN FILM.

I WAS PERSONALLY AND DEEPLY DEVASTATED AND DECIMATED...

WHEN CARL FRANKLIN LEFT US LAST YEAR FOR UNIVERSAL,

JUST LIKE MOST OF OUR TALENT LEFT US LAST YEAR FOR UNIVERSAL.

I LOVE CARL'S MOVIES, THOUGH.

JUNGLE FEVER--

THAT'S MY FAVORITE.

SISTER II LUMUMBA CALLED ME UP,

AND SHE SAID HE WAS COOL AND WE NEED TO HELP THE MOTHERFUCKER OUT.

AND I SAY, "YEAH ? YOU KNOW, STRAIGHT UP ?

GET THAT MOTHERFUCKER A STRAIGHTJACKET AND WEAR IT THE FUCK UP FIRST."

YO, LEON CALLED, DUDE. THEY GOT THE MOTHERFUCKER AT THE FAMILY.

I SAY, "WHAT THEY GOT THE MOTHERFUCKER THERE FO' ?

THEY TAKIN' HOSTAGES NOW ?"

I UNDERSTOOD WE WERE WAITING FOR SOMETHING, BUT I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT.

THERE WAS A PALPABLE EXPECTATION IN THE ROOM.

THEY PUT A BROTHERS BROTHERS MOVIE ON THE TELLY-- YOU AIN'T NO BROTHER.

I LOVE THAT MOVIE.

IT COULD HAVE BEEN CUT A LITTLE TIGHTER.

YO. WE WALK IN, AND IT'S MAD LATE,

AND SMITHEE'S OVER THERE ON THE COUCH, WATCHING YOU AIN'T NO BROTHER.

HE GOT THE CANS OF FILM ON THE SIDE.

SO WE WALK IN, AND HE LOOKS. AND YOU KNOW WHAT ?

MOTHERFUCKER GOT WHITER.

SISTER II LUMUMBA, SHE SAY WE THE BROTHERS BROTHERS.

NOW, HE ONE PALE WHITE, FILM-ROBBIN', TERRORIST SON-OF-A-BITCH.

SMITHEE SAY, "IT'S A GREAT PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.

I'D NEVER MET ANY COSSACK FILMMAKERS BEFORE."

YEAH, AND I WAS DOWN WITH THAT.

I WAS DOWN WITH THAT.

YO, AND MY MOMMA'S COSSACK.

AND MY MOMMA'S COSSACK TOO.

DON'T ! DON'T, OKAY ? DON'T !

DON'T ASK ME ABOUT THE BROTHERS BROTHERS, OKAY ?

NOT ONE WORD.

I DON'T KNOW THE BROTHERS BROTHERS.

I DON'T KNOW ANY COSSACKS OR HALF COSSACKS.

BOB DOESN'T KNOW ANY COSSACKS OR HALF COSSACKS WHO COME OVER TO THE HOUSE,

ALTHOUGH I'M SURE WARREN KNOWS THEM.

IT WAS FUNNY WHAT WAS HAPPENING TO ME.

I WAS THINKING ABOUT SMITHEE ALL THE TIME.

THINKING ABOUT HIM, THINKING ABOUT HIM.

IT WAS LIKE...

I'D BEEN TOUCHED BY THE HOLY SPIRIT.

JACK, WARREN, HENRY TOUCHED ME A LOT.

NO HOLY SPIRIT.

SEE, HE WAS MO' COSSACK THAN US.

HE WAS MO' ROOTS THAN US. THAT'S RIGHT.

NOBODY ELSE IN THE FAMILY WAS COSSACK, EXCEPT FOR ME, DION,

AND SMITHEE, HE WAS HONORARY.

YOU KNOW WHAT ? HE WAS A COOL MOTHERFUCKER, MAN.

YOU KNOW WHAT? HE WAS A FLY MOTHERFUCKER, MAN.

AH-HA.

READY. I THINK WE'VE SEEN IT.

SEEMS TO BE PRETTY MUCH THE ONE SONG.

I MISS LIONEL RICHIE. LIONEL RICHIE ?

HONEY, I MISS CHARLIE PRIDE. VANILLA ICE.

WHO'S THAT ?

SHIT !

- HEY. - HEY. WHO'S PLAYIN' ?

- THE BROTHERS BROTHERS. - AW, SHIT.

I MUST DO IT.

I MUST DO IT. I MUST.

YO, YO, YO. YO. YO. LOOK, MAN.

SOME WILD SHIT YOU'S DOIN', MAN.

TALK-- YOU TALKIN' SOME CRAZ-- THAT'S JUST WHACKED.

YOU GOTTA UNDERSTAND, MAN, THIS IS A FILM.

YEAH, MAN, THIS IS THE SHIT WE LIVE FOR, MAN.

THAT'S A LOT OF PEOPLE'S SWEAT IN THOSE CANS, MAN.

YOU CAN'T BURN THAT SHIT. YOU GOT TO GIVE THAT SHIT BACK.

I CAN'T. LOOK. PUT IT TO YOU THIS WAY:

YOU GOTTA DO IT, BRO'.

THEY TOOK THE FILM AWAY FROM ME. THEY STOLE IT.

THEY ABUSED ME, THEY RAPED ME, THEY THREATENED TO KILL ME.

YEAH, THEY PIMPED YOUR ASS, THAT'S FOR GODDAMN SURE.

PIMPED THE SHIT OUT YOU. LIKE A TWO-DOLLAR HO'.

I MEAN, IF WE BELIEVE IN FILM, AND WE DO,

THEN DON'T WE HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY TO PROTECT THE WORLD FROM BAD ONES ?

THIS MOVIE REALLY THAT BAD ?

IT'S FUCKIN' HORRIBLE. IT'S WORSE THAN SHOWGIRLS.

IT'S WORSE THAN SHOWGIRLS ?

- IT'S A PIECE OF SHIT ! - I SAY, MAN, YOU DON'T BURN THE FLICK.

I SAY WHAT YOU DO IS YOU TAKE YOUR NAME OFF THAT SHIT.

YEAH, YOU CAN USE THAT PHONY NAME, UH-UH--

THE ONE EVERYBODY BE USIN'.

I CAN'T DO THAT !

I AM ALAN SMITHEE !

UH, WE AFRICAN-AMERICANS. STRIKE ONE.

WE COSSACK-AMERICANS. THAT'S STRIKE TWO.

BUT OUR MOTHERFUCKIN' NAME AIN'T ALAN SMITHEE.

THAT'S FOR GODDAMN SURE.

* YOU CAN RIDE, JOHNNY RIDE UNTIL THE DAY YOU DIE *

AH, MY BROTHER SMITHEE, I SAY, STRAIGHT UP, MO'FUCKER,

WHAT YOU WANT IS FINAL CUT AND SHIT.

AND THAT'S WHAT WE GONNA GET FOR YOUR ASS.

WE DON'T KNOW WHERE SMITHEE IS AT THIS POINT, BUT I'M GOIN' NUTS !

THE DeBECKER PEOPLE ARE ALL OVER THE HOUSE, AND OUT HERE IN THE YARD.

THERE ARE GUNS ALL OVER THE HOUSE.

THE BABIES ARE BEING WOKEN UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT...

WITH THE DeBECKER GUYS GOIN' TO THE BATHROOM--

MY WIFE ! MY WIFE SAYS, "THIS ISN'T A FAMILY MOVIE.

IT'S NOT JANE AUSTEN. IT'S NOT FORREST GUMP."

THEN-- THEN ! THE BROTHERS BROTHERS CALL ME.

SO JERRY CALLS ME, TELLS ME THAT, UH, THE BROTHERS BROTHERS...

ARE NOW ACTING AS, UH, NEGOTIATORS FOR ALAN SMITHEE AND THEY WANNA SIT DOWN AND TALK.

I SAY, "THAT'S FINE, THAT'S FINE, THAT'S-- LOOK, WE'RE MAKING PROGRESS."

JAMES HANGS UP THE PHONE AND STARTS TO SCREAM, "THE FUCKING BROTHERS BROTHERS ?" HE YELLS.

"THE FUCKING BROTHERS BROTHERS ARE INTO THIS ?

SMITHEE GOT THE BADDEST MOTHERFUCKERS IN THE WORLD INTO THIS ?"

HE SAYS, "I'M GONNA HAVE TO MEET WITH THESE CRAZY SCHVARTZES ?

I'M GONNA KILL THEM." JAMES SAYS.

"WE'RE GONNA HAVE A RACE WAR."

YEAH. ME AND DION S'POSED TO MEET 'EM AT THE STUDIO.

AND THAT'S RIGHT, SMITHEE'S GONNA LAY BACK AT THE CRIB WITH THE FILM.

THAT WAS THE DEAL. THAT'S RIGHT.

JAMES AND I FELT FOR THE FIRST TIME THERE WAS HOPE.

WE KNEW BY REPUTATION THAT THE BROTHERS BROTHERS WERE DECENT, CIVILIZED...

HUMAN BEINGS, WITH A GREAT LOVE OF FILM.

WE FELT CERTAIN THEY'D WORK WITH US TO GET THE MASTER BACK.

THEY WERE COMIN' TO THE STUDIO. THAT WAS CRUCIAL.

OUR SECURITY PEOPLE, THE DeBECKER PEOPLE, THE LAPD,

WOULD FOLLOW THEM AFTER THEY LEFT THE BUILDING. WE KNEW THEY'D LEAD US TO SMITHEE.

JAMES SMOKED A JOINT, SNORTED TWO LINES OF COKE,

GOT THE GUN FROM THE NIGHTSTAND AND TUCKED IT INTO THE BACK OF HIS BELT.

I WAS ASKING HIM WHY HE WAS TAKING THIS GUN TO THIS MEETING.

HE SAID, "IF I CAN'T DO IT, IF THE AGENTS CAN'T DO IT,

"IF THE LAWYERS CAN'T DO IT, THEN IT'S THE GUN.

HOW DO YOU THINK I'VE GOTTEN SO MANY CREDITS ?"

* LET'S GET IT ON

* LET'S GET IT ON * LET'S GET IT ON

IT'S THE MEETIN' TIME, BABY. YO, I'M READY, YO.

RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

I FEEL FUCKING SENSATIONAL !

HEY ! WHERE THE FUCK IS MY FILM ? WHERE IS IT ?

MAN, WHO THE FUCK YOU TALKIN' TO ? YOU THE DIRECTOR OR SOMETHIN' ?

I'M THE PRODUCER. SO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND SIT DOWN.

HEY, UH, ALAN SMITHEE, HE THE DIRECTOR. YOU AIN'T SHIT. MM-HMM.

JAMES GOT A LITTLE OVERHEATED.

I BELIEVE IN DIRECTNESS. I'M NOT-- I'M NOT PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE.

I TOOK IT FROM THERE. L TOLD THEM WHAT BRILLIANT FILMMAKERS THEY WERE.

I TOLD THEM HOW MUCH THIS STUDIO HAS ALWAYS WANTED TO WORK WITH THE BROTHERS BROTHERS.

I TALKED ABOUT THE VISCERAL POWER OF THEIR MOVIES. YADDA-DI YADDA-DI YADDA-DA.

I TALKED TO THEM ABOUT HOW THEIR MOVIES... GO TO YOUR SOUL.

AND I FELT THAT I WAS MAKING PROGRESS. I-I FELT THAT--

WE. WE. I FELT THAT WE WERE MAKING PROGRESS.

COUPLE JIVE-ASS MO'FUCKERS TALKIN' ABOUT MOVIES.

HEY, BUT THEY DON'T KNOW THAT WE BULLSHIT-PROOF. HELL, YEAH.

I LOVED DO THE RIGHT THING. AND MALCOLM- GOD !

BETTER THAN DAVID LEAN.

MAN, YOU TALKIN' ABOUT SPIKE.

SPIKE ! STOP CURSIN' AT ME, MAN. I AIN'T NO SPIKE.

I'M SORRY. I'M VERY-- I-I'M VERY SORRY.

OKAY, LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS.

WHAT DOES SMITHEE WANT ?

- FINAL CUT. - YEAH, WELL FUCK HIM.

- AND FUCK YOU. - FUCK YOU ! AND FUCK YOU, AND FUCK YOU, AND FUCK YOU--

...AND FUCK YOU, AND FUCK YOU, AND FUCK YOU, AND FUCK YOU, AND FUCK YOU--

GENTLEMEN, GENTLEMEN, PLEASE !

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU CALLIN' GENTLEMEN ? LOOK, WE DON'T GIVE FINAL CUT.

- NOW YOU KNOW THAT. - THERE'S ALWAYS A FIRST TIME.

OVER MY DEAD FUCKIN' BODY !

ALL RIGHT, BITCH, THAT'S COOL THEN. DIE.

COME HERE. THAT WAS RUDE. THAT WAS VERY RUDE.

I TRIED TO EXPLAIN TO THEM...

THAT ONLY KUBRICK AND SPIELBERG HAVE FINAL CUT. THAT'S IT.

MANY OTHER DIRECTORS PRETEND TO HAVE IT,

SOMETIMES CERTAIN STUDIOS SAY THEY HAVE IT,

WHEN THEY DON'T, JUST TO ASSUAGE DIRECTORIAL EGOS.

THEY DON'T DESERVE TO HAVE IT. I DESERVE TO HAVE IT.

YOU DO HAVE IT. YOU'RE FUCKING RIGHT I DO.

YEAH, AND JERRY GLOVER GOES, "I TELL YOU WHAT, GUYS.

"I'LL GET YOU A THREE-PICTURE DEAL, AND FINAL CUT,

IF YOU GET US THE MASTER BACK."

WHAT A STUPID FUCKING THING TO TELL HIM.

IT WAS AN OFFER, JAMES. OFFER.

WE WERE IN A SITUATION. HEY, YOU NEVER OFFER 'EM THAT.

YOU NEVER OFFER ANY DIRECTOR THAT. THE OFFER ITSELF GOES RIGHT TO THEIR HEAD.

THEY'RE THE FUCKIN' ENEMY ! YOU KNOW THAT, JERRY.

NO, THEY'RE NOT. THEY'RE A PART OF THE WORKFORCE.

I'VE GOT TWO GUYS FROM LEGAL AFFAIRS DRAWING UP THE CONTRACTS RIGHT NOW.

DEAL ?

WE CAN'T DO THAT, MAN. DAT AIN'T THE DEAL.

WE CAN'T ? HELL, NO, WE CAN'T.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. FUCK THAT !

HELL, NO. FUCK THAT SHIT. I TELL YOU WHAT.

SMITHEE GOES BACK TO RE-CUT THE FILM HIS OWN WAY.

THAT'S THE MASTER. YOU GUYS GET TO DISTRIBUTE IT.

OTHERWISE...

GODDAMN IT, SIT DOWN !

DEAL ? DEAL ?

I HOPE YOU GUYS NEVER TRY TO WORK IN THIS TOWN WITH A BUDGET OF MORE THAN $10 MILLION.

DEAL.

OH-- JAMES, COME ON, DAMN IT. SIT DOWN !

AS WE ON OUR WAY BACK TO THE 'HOOD,

JERRY GLOVER RUN OUT INTO THE HALL, AND HE SAY,

"I HOPE WE CAN WORK TOGETHER SOMETIME."

HE DON'T CARE WHAT THE BUDGET IS. MM-HMM. HELL, YEAH.

GENTLEMEN, CONGRATULATIONS. I AM SO HAPPY THAT THIS WORKED OUT.

YOU FELLAS ARE THE SHIT, REALLY. CHALLENGE YOUR FILMS LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER. AM I RIGHT ?

MM. HE SAYS, "THANKS FOR YOUR CONTRIBUTION."

JAMES EDMONDS, WATCHIN' US DOWN THE HALL. THAT SHIT WAS SPOOKY, MAN.

LIKE HE'S PUMPIN' US WITH BULLETS.

BIG TIME DIPLOMACY.

LAW AND ORDER. LAW AND FUCKING ORDER.

YEAH, SO WE DRIVIN' BACK TO THE FAMILY,

SHIT IS PUMPED UP IN THE BACK, DAMN !

THAT'S RIGHT, PETER PIPER, MOTHERFUCKER !

OVER THE HUMP, KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN' ? LIKE WE WAS BANGIN'.

YEAH, WE WON THAT ! THAT'S RIGHT !

AS SOON AS THEY LEFT THE ROOM, I HIT THE WALKIE-TALKIE AND PUT EVERYTHING INTO PLAY.

WE WERE ROLLING. HELICOPTERS, UNIFORMS, SECURITY, DeBECKER.

YO-YO-YO, CHECK IT OUT, WE WON ! WE WON, THAT'S RIGHT.

WAKE THAT MOTHERFUCKER UP. WAKE THAT MO'FUCKER UP !

YO, CHECK THIS OUT. WE GOT 'IM FINAL CUT. WE GOT 'IM FINAL CUT.

Y'ALL GOT 'IM FINAL CUT ? WE GOT 'IM FINAL CUT.

WE GOT FINAL CUT ! WE GOT FINAL CUT !

PLAY IT, BROTHER MAN. APOCALYPSE NOW, MOTHERFUCKER ?

YOU AIN'T MY BROTHER.

NAPALM, NAPALM, DROP A DOOM BALL.

WHAT GOT US INTO THAT SHIT, MAN ? THEY FOUND PATTY HEARST AND SHIT.

WE'RE MAKING ENTRY INTO THE LOFT. I REPEAT, ENTRY INTO THE LOFT.

STRAIGHT UPSTAIRS.

FIVE-OH COME UP THE STEPS. THEY GOT THEY GUNS FLASHIN' AND SHIT.

THEY LOOKIN' ALL AROUND FOR HIM. HE PLAY IT COOL.

THEY RUSHIN' HERE, THEY RUSHIN' THERE. THEY LOOK UNDER THIS, THEY LOOK UNDER THAT.

BUT STILL, WE PLAY IT COOL. THEN SUDDENLY,

A MOTHERFUCKIN' AFRICAN-AMERICAN POLICE COME UP TO US. YOU KNOW, BIG FUCKIN' BROTHER.

- ALL RIGHT, WHERE THE FUCK IS HE ? - I AM DION BROTHERS, MO'FUCKER.

AND I AM LEON BROTHERS, AND YOU LOOKIN' AT A RICH MOTHERFUCKER.

I GOT MAD LAWYERS, SO YOU BETTER BACK THE FUCK UP, YOU FUCKIN' BEAT-WALKIN' BITCH.

I KNOW WHO YOU ARE. I SAW. I SAW YOU AIN'T NO BROTHER.

I SAW WORD UP, BITCH.

YO, MAN, WHAT YOU NEED TO DO IS KISS MY BLACK ASS.

YOU KILL COPS IN THOSE MOVIES. THOSE MOVIES SUCKED.

KISS MY MOTHERFUCKIN' ASS !

OH, Y'ALL SOME BAD MOTHERFUCKERS ? MAN, STRAIGHT UP, MAN ?

WHAT YOU NEED TO DO IS GET THE FUCK UP OUT OF MY HOUSE, GET YOUR BIG ASS OUT.

HELL, YEAH, WE GONNA MAKE THE RODNEY KING INCIDENT LOOK LIKE-- LOOK LIKE DISNEY DID IT.

- DISNEY ? - YEAH, DISNEY, BITCH.

AIN'T NO BROTHER WASN'T BAD, OKAY ?

BUT WORD UP, BIT SUCKED.

Y'ALL GETTIN' A LITTLE SLICK. YOU THINK YOU'RE BIG TIME NOW, BUT OKAY--

I'M OUTTA HERE RIGHT NOW, MOTHERFUCKERS.

AND YOU CAN KISS MY ASS !

LET'S GO ! WE'RE OUTTA HERE.

GET YOUR BROKE ASS OUT THERE.

AND BY THEN, HE KNEW THAT SMITHEE WASN'T THERE.

I JUMPED OUT THE BEDROOM WINDOW, YOU SEE ?

I HAD THE FILM CANS IN ME HAND, AND I HAD MY STICK,

AND I RAN DOWN THE BACK STAIRS AND OUT THROUGH THE YARD,

AND I CAME OUT THE BUSHES, WELL, ABOUT A BLOCK AWAY,

AND I SAW MY RANGE ROVER PARKED THERE.

WE'D HAD TO PARK IT FURTHER AWAY THE NIGHT BEFORE 'CAUSE ALL THE SPACES WERE TAKEN.

PARKIN' IN SOUTH CENTRAL'S WORSE THAN WHAT IT IS IN WESTWOOD.

WE LOST HIM.

LEMME TELL YA SOMETHING ABOUT THE LAPD--

AH, FORGET IT. I'VE GOT SOME GOOD FRIENDS ON THE LAPD.

I WAS BACK ON THE FREEWAY AGAIN.

I KNOW THE 405 LIKE I ONCE KNEW ME OWN GARDEN.

I MISS MY GARDEN VERY, VERY MUCH.

THINKIN' OF MY GARDEN...

MADE ME THINK ABOUT MY LIFE.

THINKIN' ABOUT MY LIFE...

MADE ME THINK ABOUT THE LA BREA TAR PITS.

DON'T KNOW WHY.

YOU'D HAVE THOUGHT THEY'D HAVE STAKED OUT THE TAR PITS.

WE DI STAKE OUT THE TAR PITS FOR THE FIRST 24 HOURS.

WHEN THERE WAS NO ACTIVITY, THOSE SHMUCKS...

IN BUSINESS AFFAIRS DIDN'T APPROVE THE OVERTIME.

I DROVE DOWN TO THE TAR PITS.

PARKED IN THE LOT.

I SAT THERE.

I OPENED THE CANS,

AND I SPRINKLED THE LIGHTER FLUID I BOUGHT AT RALPHS.

I LOOKED AT THE FILM.

I COULD SEE MYSELF IN IT.

I STRUCK THE MATCH...

I DROPPED IT INTO THE FILM.

GUESS WHO ?

HE WAS WORSE THAN THE UNABOMBER,

ROBERTO ALOMAR AND BOB DOLE COMBINED.

HE WAS BOGDANOVICH AND CIMINO.

HE WAS CLIFF ROBERTSON AND MARK FUHRMAN.

HE WAS HALF COSSACK.

HE WAS DAMN NEAR BLACK.

- HE WAS O.J. - HE WAS TORN.

HE EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT GIVING HIMSELF UP.

BY THEN, IT WAS ALL OVER THE TELEVISION.

BELIEVE ME, I HAD NEVER THOUGHT...

OF GETTING INVOLVED IN ANOTHER HIGH-PROFILE CASE AGAIN.

WH-WH-WHAT DID I DO WHEN I HEARD HE BURNED THE FILM ?

I CAME DOWN HERE TO THE BEACH.

I SAT DOWN ON THIS RO-- IT WAS THE BEST PICTURE I HAD EVER PRODUCED.

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN ONE OF THE BIGGEST FILMS IN-- IN MOVIE HISTORY.

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO EXPRESS TO YOU...

HOW I FELT. IMPOSSIBLE.

I HEARD JAMES TALKING TO JERRY GLOVER ON THE PHONE.

HE SAID, "WE CAN SPIN THIS, JERRY.

"IT'S BETTER THAN IF IT WOULD HAVE BEEN RELEASED.

"FUCK THE STUDIO. WE CAN PROMOTE THIS...

INTO THE BIGGEST SUCCESS YOU AND I WILL EVER HAVE."

SMITHEE WAS GRIEF-STRICKEN WHEN I SAW HIM.

NEARLY COMATOSE. HE TOLD ME EVERYTHING.

HOW HE HAD BEEN ABUSED ON THE SET. MANHANDLED.

HOW EDMONDS HAD THREATENED TO KILL HIM. BOB ! BOB !

HOW THE STUDIO HAD THREATENED TO RUIN HIS CAREER.

HOW HIS MOVIE HAD BEEN COMPLETELY RE-CUT AFTER HE,

BEING ONE OF THE GREATEST EDITORS IN THE WORLD, HAD CUT IT.

YO, BOB ! I COMPLETELY UNDERSTOOD.

ALAN SMITHEE WAS A MAN WHO H-- WAS WILLING TO MAKE THE ULTIMATE DECISION:

YO, BOB ! YOU KNOW HE DID IT !

HE SAVED WHAT HE HAD NOT BEEN ALLOWED TO CREATE.

HE HAD TO SAVE HIMSELF BY KILLING IT. HE WAS A HERO.

YOU-YOU-YOU BURNED YOUR OWN FILM.

I-IT WAS MY CHILD, BUT IT WASN'T MY CHILD.

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT, THE RIGHT TO KILL A CHILD, EVEN IF IT ISN'T YOUR CHILD ?

NO.

- BUT YOU DID. - BUT YOU SEE, I DIDN'T KILL IT.

YOU DIDN'T. WHAT DID YOU DO ?

I BROUGHT IT BACK TO LIFE.

THEY KILLED IT. I ENDED ITS SUFFERING.

I-I ENDED THE SUFFERING OF OTHERS WHO WOULD HAVE HAD TO WATCH IT.

THIS WAS THEN A, UH, HUMANITARIAN GESTURE ?

PLEASE GOD IT WAS.

I TRIED TO SIGN HIM BACK AFTER THE KING SHOW,

BUT, UH, HE WOULDN'T TAKE MY CALLS.

HE WAS ON THE COVER OF SLIM AND NEWSLEAK,

HE WAS ABC'S PERSON OF THE WEEK--

YOU WIN SOME, YOU LOSE SOME. AH, WHAT THE HELL.

I'M CLOSE TO SIGNING STALLONE. WE THINK HE'S COMIN' BACK.

I HAD A GREAT IDEA, BUT TOKYO OVERRULED ME.

SO WE DIDN'T HAVE THE MOVIE. SO WHAT ?

WE HAD THE TRAILER. WE HAD A 30-SECOND TRAILER !

I WAS GONNA OPEN THE TRAILER IN THE THEATERS, CHARGE THE USUAL TICKET !

DOESN'T MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES YOU TO COME, IT'S HOW MUCH YOU TINGLE.

TOKYO.

I WORKED OUT A DEAL FOR HIM WITH THE STUDIO AND THE D.A.'S OFFICE.

GARCETTI DIDN'T WANT TO PROSECUTE THIS ONE ANYWAY.

HI. THERE WERE ALAN SMITHEE FAN CLUBS FORMING ACROSS THE COUNTRY.

ON EVERY CAMPUS. HI, BOB.

HOW ARE YOU ? HE AGREED TO PUT SMITHEE INTO A PSYCHIATRIC...

CLINIC IN ENGLAND. GOOD EVENING, VICTOR.

A PSYCHIATRIC CLINIC ? A DEAL ? NO TRIAL ?

THERE WASN'T GONNA BE A TRIAL ?

SHAPIRO, GARCETTI, ASSHOLES.

FIRST O.J., THEN THIS SEQUEL.

OH, FORGET IT. JUST FORGET IT.

I WANTED A TRIAL !

* LOVE THE SEAMY, SEAMY SEAMIER SIDE OF L.A. * OH ! NEVER FAILS.

* IT'S VERY DREAMY, DREAMY WHEN YOUR BACK'S AGAINST THE WALL,

YOU DO THE UNEXPECTED. I'M GONNA PUT THESE BIG BOYS RIGHT ON THEIR ASS.

I'M GONNA TELL THE LIFE STORY OF ALAN SMITHEE.

CALL IT PASSION.

THE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF TAKING ON EVERYBODY TO...

TO MAKE TRIO, BUT IT'S GONNA BE BETTER THAN TRIO.

I'M GONNA MAKE THIS GUY THE, UH,

MR. SMITH GOES TO WASHINGTON OF THE NINETIES.

MAKE THIS PUTZ A HERO.

BUT IT'S GONNA WORK. YOU KNOW, I'VE COME UP WITH WORSE IDEAS...

AND I'VE COPPED A FEW OSCARS FROM 'EM.

BUT THIS WAS GONNA BE A SURPRISE.

HEY, KID, HOW ARE YA ? HI, DADDY.

HUH, YOU DIG THIS GUY, DON'T YA ? MM.

OH, BOY, SHE'S PERFECT.

THIS POOR GUY. SHE'S GONNA CLEAN HIS CLOCK,

OR THEY WON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM. AREN'T YOU ?

AREN'T YA ? COME ON !

WHEN JAMES CAME TO ME AND SAID...

HE WANTED TO BID FOR THE RIGHTS TO ALAN SMITHEE'S LIFE STORY,

I THOUGHT-- I DON'T EVEN WANT TO TELL YOU WHAT I THOUGHT.

I DO. THE WHOLE WORLD WAS TALKIN' ABOUT HIM.

ALAN SMITHEE WAS A GOLD MINE. IF THERE'S ONE THING I HAVE LEARNED IN THIS BUSINESS,

IT'S STAY ON YOUR FEET. I'VE GOT MY PRIDE. I'M NOT GONNA GET OUTBID BY ROBERT EVANS.

TRIO WAS FOREPLAY. SMITHEE'S LIFE: INTERCOURSE.

MYRNA COME TO ME...

IN HERE, AND SAID THEY WANTED TO BUY THE RIGHTS TO ME.

I SAID, "WHO ?" SHE SAID, "ROBERT EVANS."

SHE SAID,

MR. SMITHEE ! BLOODY LUNATIC !

ALAN COLLAPSED.

WE HAD TO TAKE HIM TO HOSPITAL.

AND THEY SAID THAT HE'D SUFFERED ONE OF THOSE SLIGHT HEART ATTACKS.

OH, NOTHING SERIOUS. JUST ONE OF THOSE TEENY ONES.

YOU KNOW, CUT DOWN ON CHOLESTEROL, AVOID STRESS.

EAT OATMEAL. OR DON'T EAT OATMEAL.

WHICHEVER IT IS.

PAGING DR. OVITZ. PAGING DR. OVITZ.

WE HAVE TO MAKE THE DECISION TODAY, ALAN.

JAMES EDMONDS IS MAKING A HARD OFFER: $5 MILLION.

ROBERT EVANS IS OFFERING A SOFT THREE.

ALAN ?

YOU GOTTA THINK ABOUT ME AND THE BOYS FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE, ALAN.

DO YOU HEAR ME ?

NO ONE WILL EVER ALLOW YOU TO DIRECT AGAIN, ALAN.

NO ONE. NEVER.

- YOU'RE FINISHED, ALAN !

NO MORE MONEY !

YO, HE CALL FROM THE HOSPITAL, MAN. THAT'S RIGHT, HE WANT US TO DIRECT HIS LIFE.

YO, WE DOWN WIDDAT SHIT, MAN ! GO DOWN. THAT'S RIGHT. DEAL CLOSED, BABY.

SMITHEE'S WIFE CALLED TO TIE UP THE DEAL. SHE WAS HIS AGENT NOW.

SHE SAID SMITHEE WAS INSISTING THAT...

THE BROTHERS BROTHERS DIRECT THE STORY OF HIS LIFE.

WELL, THAT'S FINE WITH ME. I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO WORK WITH THE BROTHERS BROTHERS.

UH-- HEY, DUDES. YOU WANNA GO HANG OUT IN SOUTH CENTRAL ?

YEAH, I HEAR YOU. BUT NOT THIS TIME, BUD. YOU KNOW WHY ?

'CAUSE I CALLED JAMES EDMONDS. RIGHT, AND I CALLED JERRY GLOVER.

AND WE SAY, "WE DIRECT THE MOVIE IF WE GET FINAL CUT."

- I SAID, "NO WAY." - I SAID, "I'VE GOT FINAL CUT."

YO, I TOLD 'EM THEY COULD KISS MY BLACK ASS.

YEAH, AND I TOLD 'EM THEY COULD KISS MY BLACK ASS TOO.

THE BROTHERS BROTHERS ? I'D BE HAPPY...

TO GIVE THEM FINAL CUT ANYTIME THEY WANT.

I TOLD JERRY NOT TO WORRY ABOUT EVANS. FORGET ABOUT HIM.

HE SHOULD HAVE LEFT ME OUT OF HIS BOOK. HE HASN'T GOT $3 MILLION.

HE HASN'T GOT $1 MILLION. HE'S BLUFFING.

THESE WEST COAST GUYS, THEY GOT NO MOXIE.

EDMONDS SHOULD KNOW BETTER.

I DON'T BLUFF. I NEVER BLUFF.

I DIDN'T HAVE A CHOICE.

I COULDN'T TAKE THE CHANCE THAT EVANS WAS BLUFFING.

TOKYO WANTED THIS-- JAMES WAS GONNA HAVE TO GIVE UP FINAL CUT.

THE BROTHERS BROTHERS WOULD HAVE IT.

ANYTHING ! ANYTHING HE WANTED TO DIRECT, I WOULD PRODUCE.

I BELIEVE IN CLOSURE, I BE-- I BELIEVE IN HEALING.

AND I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE. I'D GIVE HIM FINAL CUT.

COOL !

IF ALAN SMITHEE WANTED TO DIRECT ANOTHER FILM HIMSELF SOMETIME,

I WOULD HIRE HIM IN A HEARTBEAT.

HE HAS DEMONSTRATED HIS INTEGRITY,

AND THE POSSESSORY CREDIT ON THE MOVIE, "AN ALAN SMITHEE FILM,"

WOULD MEAN MORE NOW THAN TOM CRUISE OR JIM CARREY.

ALAN SMITHEE HAS REDEEMED ALAN SMITHEE.

I'D THOUGHT I CALL OUR NEW MOVIE DUO, ACTUALLY, JAMES.

NO, NO, I DON'T LIKE SOLO.

NO, NO, DUO IS MUCH BETTER.

NO, I'M AFRAID I DON'T LIKE SPAGO, EITHER.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT, JAMES. I LIKE SUGGESTIONS.

CAN WE HELP YOU WITH YOUR MOVIE, ALAN ?

WE COULD BE MATES.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE ASSISTANT DIRECTORS ? ABSOLUTELY !

GOD, YES !

OH, DARLING !

OH !

I COULD PLAY ALAN SMITHEE. BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND OPPRESSION.

'CAUSE I'M A BLACK WOMAN. I'S A BLACK WOMAN IN HOLLYWOOD !

I COULD PLAY ALAN SMITHEE BETTER THAN ANYBODY !

DON'T PLAY WITH ME. I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT.

COOL !

YES. HE'S AN ACTION HERO.

HE WINS ! HE'S JUST LIKE ME.

I MEAN, HE KILLED EVERYBODY.

I KILL EVERYBODY. SO ? WE ARE BROTHERS.

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO PLAY A BRIT, YOU KNOW, I WANTED TO PLAY ALBERT--

I HATE THIS GAME.

I WANTED TO PLAY ALBERT SCHWEITZER, UH,

AND YOU KNOW, I-I DID JIMMY HOFFA ONCE.

I'D CONSIDER WHOOPI, JACKIE, AND SLY FOR THIS MOVIE, BUT, UH,

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, IF THEY WANT TO PLAY ALAN SMITHEE,

THEY'RE GONNA HAVE TO COMPROMISE ON THEIR FEES.

AS LONG AS I DON'T HAVE TO SWALLOW.

YO ! BLOW.

I'LL CALL MY AGENT.

I DON'T NEED A STAR FOR THIS MOVIE. ALAN SMITHEE IS THE STAR.

- PSH ! I'D MAKE IT WITH ERIC IDLE. - CO-OL.

* ITSY-BITSY SPIDER

* CLIMBED UP THE SPOUT AGAIN

* ITSY-BITSY SPIDER

* CLIMBED UP THE SPOUT

* AGAIN *

* HEY, YOU

* ON THE FRIENDLY BAYOU

* WHERE WILDLIFE RUNS FREE

* YOU MIGHT SAY THAT I'M COUNTRY *

IT'S GREAT ! GREAT !

* WELL LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I SEE * UH. CUT !

CUT ! CUT, PRINT.

* YOUR WORLD IS PLASTIC

* CAN YOU SEE THROUGH TO THE OTHER SIDE *

* YOUR CITIES ARE MADE OF WOOD

WHY WOULD YOU WANT ME TO DIRECT IT ?

ARTHUR, YOU'RE THE FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE DIRECTOR'S GUILD, YEAH.

AND THIS MOVIE STICKS UP FOR DIRECTORS. IT REALLY DOES.

THE LAST THING ANY DIRECTOR NEEDS IS YOU,

OF ALL PEOPLE, TO STICK UP FOR US.

HE ANKLED THIS GIG.

HE ANKLE THIS GIG. HE ANKLED THIS GIG.

* MY PATIENCE GROWIN' THIN

* WITH THIS SYNTHETIC WORLD WE'RE LIVIN' IN *

ORENTHAL JAMES SIMPSON DID NOT FIRE ME. I QUIT.

I HAD... REASONS.

CUT. I STUNK.

I ALSO KNEW THAT I'D BE VERY RICH.

WELL--

YOU WERE A LITTLE TOO SLOW. YEAH, OKAY.

LITTLE CHIPPER, CHIPPER. OKAY, HERE WE GO, HERE WE GO. WE'RE GONNA BE OKAY. CHIPPER.

I WON'T ASK YOU. OKAY. STILL ROLLING.

I FOCUS ON JAMES EDMONDS. I FOCUS HARD ENOUGH, THEY MIGHT LET ME PLAY HIM.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN ? THINK I'D MAKE A HELL OF AN EDMONDS, DON'T YOU ?

* MY PATIENCE GROWIN' THIN

* WITH THIS SYNTHETIC WORLD

* WE'RE LIVIN' IN

I DON'T THINK YOU ARE QUITE READY FOR THAT, MY LOVE.

OH, NO, YOU'LL DO YOURSELF AN INJURY.

* EVERY DAY NOW I FIND I'M OUT OF PLACE *

* IF I ONLY HAVE ONE FACE

* ALL MY FRIENDS HAVE MORE THAN TWO *

* NO LONGER MUST YOU BE YOU

* IF THEY FOUND OUT HOW TO TRANSPLANT *

AND I RESPECTED HIM FOR RESPECTING THAT.

JUST ONCE MORE, AND DON'T-DON'T RUN THE LAST LINE SO TIGHT IN.

OKAY.

* THE WORD IMITATION IS WAY ACROSS THE NATION *

* WHAT'S REAL HAS BECOME A FREAK *

* SOMEONE TRYIN' TO MAKE ME WEEP *

* STRANGE INITIALS THAT KEEP ME BLIND * EXCUSE ME.

* PSYCHEDELIC MUSIC THAT BLOW MY MIND *

* SO YOU SEE

* MY PATIENCE GROWIN' THIN

* WITH THIS SYNTHETIC WORLD

* WE'RE LIVIN' IN YES. WE ARE BROTHERS.

HERE WE GO. WE ARE CONCENTRATING. WAIT, WAIT.

YES. HE'S AN ACTION HERO. I'M SORRY.

HOW ARE THE SHIRTS SELLING, THOSE SHIRTS-- THE ONES THAT I PAINTED ?

THEY ALL RIGHT ? GOING WELL.

REALLY ? ALL RIGHT, 'CAUSE I'M WAITING FOR THE POSTERS.

ESPECIALLY I WANT THE BABY SIZE.

* ONLY HAVE ONE FACE ALL MY FRIENDS *

* HAVE MORE THAN TWO NO LONGER MUST YOU BE YOU *

* IF THEY FOUND OUT HOW TO TRANSPLANT *

* MAYBE HAVES WOULD REPLACE CAN'TS *

* SO YOU SEE

HE'D FOCUS ON THE SEX.

GET OFF ME !

CUT. PRINT. DID I DO IT-- DID I DO IT TOO HARD ?

NO, IT'S FINE.

YOU KNOW, THERE'S A MOVIE HERE. BUT YOU GOTTA DO IT CLASSY.

JANE FUCKIN' AUSTEN, DAVID FUCKIN' LEAN-- DISNEY !

OH, THE PUBLIC ALWAYS THINKS IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH SEX ANYWAY.

LET 'EM EAT THEIR POPCORN.

* WHAT'S REAL HAS BECOME A FREAK *

* SOMEONE TRYIN' TO MAKE ME WEEP *

* STRANGE INITIALS THAT KEEP ME BLIND *

* PSYCHEDELIC MUSIC THAT BLOWS MY MIND *

* SO YOU SEE

WE HAD TAA JUST SHITTING IN THEIR BOOTS. I CAN'T TELL YA HOW GOOD THAT FELT,

AFTER ALL THESE YEARS: TAA DOING THE BOOT-SHITTING.

LOGIC IS WHAT MAKES A GOOD THRILLER. DEPALMA TAUGHT ME THAT.

HE KNOWS. DID YOU SEE MISSION IMPOSSIBLE ? GREAT LOGIC !

* WE'RE LIVIN' IN

* PRETTY CLEARLY NOW AND IT'S CLEARLY SPRING *

* MAKIN' PEOPLE DIE EVERY DAY

* NOW I FIND I'M OUT OF PLACE

SMITHEE GOES BACK TO THE-- LAB--

GO AGAIN.

AND Y'ALL GO AND DISTRIBUTE IT.

OH, FUCK.

OTHERWISE...

OKAY, THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT.

CUT.

COMEDY IS MY LIFE. THAT'S WHY I'M FUCKING STARVING !

ACTION ! ARE YOU TALKING TO HER ?

OKAY, HERE WE GO. ALL RIGHT, STAND BY--

STAND BY, RAY. OW ! OKAY.

THEY CAN KISS OUR BLACK ASS ! AND YOU CAN--

* SO YOU SEE

* MY PATIENCE GROWIN' THIN

* WITH THIS SYNTHETIC WORLD SYNTHETIC WORLD *

* SYNTHETIC WORLD SYNTHETIC WORLD *

* SYNTHETIC WORLD

* SYNTHETIC WORLD SYNTHETIC WORLD WE LIVE IN **