Original subtitles

I'm going down south, I'm gonna have myself a time.

Friendly faces everywhere, humble folks without temptation.

Going down south, I'm gonna leave my woes to hide.

And we're parking day or night, people spouting hot endeavors.

And on up south, I'm gonna see if I can't unwind.

Come on down south, I can meet some friends of mine.

The past few months have just been really awful.

There were these ice raids and my dad's company went out of business.

Then we lost our house and had to move into the old folks' home with my

It's like everything keeps changing and I really don't know how to cope with it.

Uh -huh. And how exactly do you feel like shit has changed, bro?

Well, Jesus, it just seems like...

People aren't really as kind and giving as they used to be, you know?

Like, I just got some money from Saudi Arabia, and I'm thinking of sharing it,

because I feel like that's what everyone needs right now. Like, a big Christmas

miracle?

Sounds like some socialist bullshit to me, bro.

I don't want to live in an old folks' home anymore, okay?

Now, I don't know what's made you change like this, but we need some goddamn

Christmas magic!

Hey, baby, I brought you some pinot grigio.

What took you so long?

Don't be mad. I was out doing my charity work.

I'm a Christian, so I sing to people in need.

Just shut up and pour me that shit.

You want to make your life better, Stan?

Join the frickin' club.

This is the time of year we all wish things were better. But trust me,

miraculous is going to happen to anyone.

The crib is decorated and the nursery's all planned. I put Holly on the diapers

with all the love I can.

Tiny dreams and tinsel glow, what's more special than a new baby at Christmas

time?

Only days remain until America meets President Trump's demon spawn.

How Satan will give birth to the butt baby is still unclear, but everyone

the crap out is coming.

On the whites and mistletoe, there's so much to be done. We'll drink eggnog and

cocoa when the labor has begun.

So many reasons to be glad, and I'll be having one.

A new baby at Christmas time.

I will love the baby, and so will its dad.

We will be so... Wait a minute.

Where the hell is he?

Donald? Donald!

Where is Donald?

Sorry, Satan, the president had to fly to Colorado on an urgent matter.

An urgent matter?

Are you serious right now? I told him this was the day we were going to sing

songs and decorate the nursery!

What is he doing that's more urgent than that?

Sorry, it's all high -level classified stuff. Even we don't have the clearance

to know what he's doing.

He is such a piece of shit!

He does this to me all the time!

I'm about to have this baby, and he's out fucking around!

Hormones, huh?

It is strange that the president hasn't even informed me why he's going to

Colorado. Well, the president said it's top secret, and only he and the vice

president can know.

Whatever they're doing, it must be part of an extremely covert military

operation.

Okay, boss.

This is the place.

That is the police station over there.

That's where they're keeping Peter Teal.

All right, we just got to keep it quiet.

Nobody can know I want to kill this baby, you know?

Merry Christmas!

Hey, relax!

Are you sure this Peter Teal can do it? Yes, boss.

But we must find a way to break him out of that police station.

Oh, I'm sorry. I don't have any spare change, okay?

The government cut school funding, so I lost my job.

And then, you know, everything costs more with all the tariffs, and my health

care got cut, so I'm just struggling like a lot of Americans are.

All right, well, Merry Christmas!

We better hurry, both.

The time might be unto us, and the crop -out could be any minute now.

Okay, let's synchronize our watches. It's time to complete Operation Tell My

Baby.

I'll be home for Christmas if only

in my dreams, my dreams, my holiday dreams.

Hello, seniors. I'm Peggy Rockbottom here to spread a little holiday cheer.

You know, sometimes we forget the reason for decision, but there's only one man

in my life, and that man is Jesus Christ. And I wrote this song for him.

A Christian woman knows her place.

So go ahead and punch me in the face, cause I deserve it. I was wrong. That's

why I wrote this holiday song with my big fake tits and my Botox lips saying

Merry Christmas, Jesus Christ.

Come on, seniors, sing along.

A Christian woman knows her place.

So go ahead and punch me in the face, cause I deserve it.

I don't know if you can hear me, but I've been kind of wishing for a

miracle.

If miracles can still even happen, please, make it happen now.

Did you miss us, Stan?

Oh, no!

That son of a bitch.

I could give birth any minute.

Oh, hey, Satan, you about to go into labor? Okay, how about you go do

and I'll do nothing?

Oh, yeah, great idea, Donald, just like you always do.

Oh, God, he is so disgusting.

Ah! I'm such a pig.

A blue jockstrap?

He doesn't wear a blue jockstrap.

Who does this belong to?

The Gramps.

It's the Gramps.

They're together.

What are you talking about?

They just want to kill the baby.

What?

There's so much sex.

I can't understand you because you're covered in dried up milk.

It's not milk.

Ew!

Oh, thank God.

Tell me everything you know.

I will, but first, please, I need to get just a little high.

Go away.

What do you guys want?

Well, didn't you hear, Stan?

Satan's going to give birth to the Antichrist.

Yeah, he's going to have a foot, baby, and there's going to be a big crap out.

It doesn't make any sense.

You guys are just something that Cartman made up in his head.

Oh, are you really going to overanalyze a crap -out?

No way. Crap -outs have no rules.

Yay!

All right, y 'all.

Stan wished us here to help the Prince of Darkness, so we got to do what he

says. I didn't wish for that. I didn't know anything about Satan having a baby

or crap -outs. But you asked for a Christmas miracle, Stan. And this crap

going to make everything better.

It is?

Are you sure?

Of course!

Crab outs are the best!

Come on, let's get to it!

Yay!

Oh,

it's been so long.

So then, Vice President Vance, he doesn't want you to have the baby,

Because he thinks your baby is going to hurt his chances of becoming president.

So he convinces Trump to try to get rid of the baby himself, but every time he

tries, he gets blocked by the FCC.

If he didn't want the baby, why didn't he tell me?

They couldn't let anyone know they wanted to get rid of the baby because,

know, Republicans, abortions, it's a bad look.

So then Vance gets this guy Peter Thiel to get rid of the baby, and Thiel's

about to come do it when Pam Bondi suddenly finds out there's a plot to

baby. It's all crazy, man. You can't write this shit.

What can I ever see in him? So then the president, he's pissed off at Vance. He

says, you've been lying to me, but Vance says I was just trying to protect you,

and then they start having sex over and over and over and over. Enough!

The president hath deceived me.

He hath deceived us all, and I shall make him pay.

Oh, hell yeah, man. Let's go get that motherfucker.

We brought some food for your prisoners.

Food for the prisoners?

Hey, relax, guy. This is the time of year to give to the needy. We brought

this cake.

We don't need your cake.

The president's going to come for us and he's going to... Well,

I guess there's no harm. Mitch, let him in.

Hey, thanks, baby.

We're in for a crap out, crap out, crap out. We smell a crap out.

Don't take the hard route. Just get to the crap out. Satan's gonna crap out his

anal womb.

Okay, hold on a second. You said that Satan was in Washington, D .C.

Yeah, he was. And now he's about to be here.

But how can you know that?

Oh, for Pete's sake, Stanny. Will you just get on board with the crap out

already? Don't worry, Stanny.

Everything has been foretold and nothing can stop the Antichrist from coming.

Except, of course, for Peter Thiel.

Peter Thiel?

Wait, you mean the 6 '7 guy?

You know Peter Thiel?

Yeah, he did a big dumb assembly at the school.

He's here?

What are you going to do, Stanny? Are you going to kill him and eat him?

All right, look.

If I'm going to get on board with something, I need it to make at least a

bit of sense.

Well, okay, Susan Sontag. We'll make sure it all lines up perfectly for you.

Yay!

Peter Thiel to Red Dragon.

Come in, Red Dragon.

Go ahead, Don. This is Red Dragon.

I got the walkie and the cake.

Awaiting further instructions.

Excellent. Just stand by and we'll find a way to get you out so you can kill my

baby. Let's synchronize our watches.

Donald!

Uh -oh.

You have lied to me!

Satan! We were just doing some charity work.

You! think so. I told Satan every detail of your expertly crafted plot.

Oh, it's your comrade.

I stayed with you while you two were fucking behind my back. Did Donald tell

he has genital warts?

Relax there, guy.

Look, there he is. It's Satan.

Yay!

Just as the prophecy foretold.

Tally, what's going on? What's going on is the most exquisitely woven tapestry

of ideas that you've ever seen, man. Your deception is over, Donald.

And so are we.

This child will be born. And for once, you are going to have to live with the

consequences of your actions.

Keep your hands off my president, bro.

Whoa, it's Jesus Christ.

This happens to be a great man who's protecting our country from fads.

What the hell happened to Jesus?

He's all Christian now.

This man is a con artist, and I will deal with him.

Don't think so, bro.

Yeah!

Oh, God, this just keeps getting crazier.

What's wrong, Satan?

It's the baby.

I think it's coming.

Oh, wow, y 'all, it's time.

What do we do, Stan?

I don't know. You've got to get him to a hospital.

Oh, boy, the big crap out.

Look, it's the doctor.

Yay!

All right, we're almost ready. We just want to run a quick ultrasound and we'll

get you into the OR.

Doctor, we must hurry.

There are evil forces at work.

All right!

This guy's incredible!

Okay, now set Peter Teal free.

Mr. President, what happened?

I don't know. I got another Christian dipshit to help me get what I want.

Let's go Christianity.

Then we can proceed.

We have very little time to stop the Antichrist from coming.

Beth, just so you know, I don't care if my asshole is filled with genital rot. I

still love you.

I can't believe he turned out to be this big of a piece of shit.

I seriously fall for the worst guys.

No, no, Satan. You need to save your strength.

I mean, I knew he sucked, okay?

I knew it. But I didn't think he would go this far. I am so stupid.

No, you're not stupid.

Danny, tell Satan he's not stupid.

You're not stupid.

No, I'm stupid.

I saw how he treated everyone, but I was willing to look the other way.

All because I just wanted my...

Christmas miracle.

Your Christmas miracle?

My little baby.

The only thing in my life that could actually be good.

But now Donald has Jesus on his side and we'll never be free.

Satan's right.

If the president has Jesus on his side, he's unstoppable.

It's only a matter of time before they come here and ruin everything.

Now, don't be down, y 'all. We have our own secret weapon.

That's right.

They might have Jesus, but we've got Stan.

Yay!

Crap out!

Yeah, let's go!

Oh, no. Here they come.

What are we going to do?

Where is room six -seven?

Thank you.

No. If you want to get to Satan, you'll have to go through us.

I am fully embracing this crap out.

Yay! Do not listen to these foul creatures of darkness, child.

I don't know who to listen to anymore.

All I know is I might as well help someone get their Christmas miracle.

Because nobody's helping me with mine.

At least that's what Christmas used to mean.

Trying to make things a little easier for someone else who needed it.

I don't know what happened to your spirit at Christmas, Jesus.

Let's face it.

You gave up, and now you've hit rock bottom.

Hey, I didn't hit her, okay?

I mean, all right, maybe I did. But Peggy was asking for it.

That's actually not at all what I was talking about.

No, you're right.

You're right, my child.

I gave up, and I lost faith.

I don't want to do this.

Hey, don't forget I can sue you!

Then go ahead and sue me.

I'm not going to be afraid anymore.

Excuse me, everyone.

Sorry to interrupt, but I'm afraid we have some really bad news.

What?

What happened?

We've looked at the ultrasound, and it appears that at some point when nobody

was watching, the baby hung itself and took its own life.

What? What are you talking about?

I'm afraid you can see it all in the video.

The baby got a hold of some bed sheets. There's a couple minutes missing from

the ultrasound, but it's definitely a suicide.

You gotta be kidding me!

That baby hung itself?

Boss! Boss, it's a miracle!

But does that mean there's not gonna be a cramp out?

This is a Fox News special alert.

Fox News has just received confirmation that the unborn child of Satan and

President Trump...

has decided to take the easy way out and end its own life.

Definitely an unfortunate turn of events. Fox News has analyzed the

You can see the baby probably considering suicide right here, and then

bit missing, and it killed itself.

Obvious confirmation of suicide. You can see a little chair there.

Just what babies do sometimes.

That's right. And if you or someone you know is a fetus contemplating suicide,

we urge you to call Fox News as much as you possibly can.

In the meantime, all our thoughts and prayers are with the president tonight,

who will be holding a funeral for his unborn child at the White House.

Did you hear the news?

The baby's dead.

Yes, Mr.

President. We are so sorry.

Happy holidays. The baby's dead.

Are you okay, sir?

Yes, really hard.

Here, have a cigar.

Hey, Pam. Merry Christmas. The baby's dead.

You're so strong, Mr. President.

And you're taking it really well.

Thanks, Pam.

Christmas letters from home. Here you go. Some Christmas joy from your loved

ones. There you go.

Hey, there's one for you today.

Dear Stan, I'm writing this because I owe you an apology and a thank you.

You asked for a Christmas miracle.

And I didn't listen.

So now, go to this address.

No way.

Thank you.

Thank you!

I'll be here, Stan, watching over everybody.

Be good.

And remember, never give up on the things that you commit to.

He's so great, isn't he?

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Let's all have the happiest holidays!

A Christian woman knows her place.

So go ahead and punch me in the face. Cause I deserve it. I was wrong.

That's why I wrote this holiday song. With my big, big fist and my Botox.

Merry Christmas, Jesus Christ.

Come on, seniors, sing along.

A Christian woman knows her place.

So go ahead and punch me in the face. Cause I deserve it. I was wrong.

That's why I wrote this holiday song with my big red hips and my bold dark

It's a very Christmas easy ride.

A Christian woman knows her place.

So go ahead and watch me race. Cause I deserve it.