Original subtitles

Good afternoon to you from Scotland.

I'm speaking at this moment from one of the oldest seats of learning in the

British Isles, the University of Skerry Ball.

Not far from where I'm standing, a procession is wending its way towards

university, bearing in its heart the students' elected representative, their

Lord Rector.

The students are in very good spirits.

Very high spirits.

The students' spirits are very high.

And now, in the distance, we can hear the music of the pipes.

And

now

I understand that the new law director... is being met at the station

the professors.

That is traditional, I suppose.

It's nothing of the sort.

And if you want to know, the professor is a blue -nosed, interfering old sump.

These masks, do they represent anything in particular?

No, no, they have no special significance.

Lord Carshini,

My son Adolphus received his education at the same school to which you gave

distinction as a boy.

Oh. This is he.

I suppose they sent you to England to learn to speak the language. What?

Yes. I find it doesn't always meet with approval up here.

Hurry, you parcel of unholy hurling. Here now, Silver Slipper won the 230.

He did, that's right. Come on, five bob on with you.

So you had. Well, that's 17 and six, so what? All right.

Principal, you young devil, betting on horses at your age. Oh, shocking,

shocking.

You're quite a power in the land, you know.

But seriously,

I think you'll find him quite a charming fellow.

Young, of course, but charming.

extraordinary experience, all this, if you don't expect it. But the worst's

now. I'm very glad to hear it.

You're gonna, you're gonna, you're gonna!

Mr. Shelty, get down off that balcony at once! Good old Carl Shiddy!

Do as I tell you, and be careful! Don't break your neck.

We want to tell the law director that we love him, sir. He knows that. Now, will

you please go away?

Ah, but does he know that we love him very, very dearly? Yes, yes, he knows

that, too.

Very...

Oh,

yes, yes, of course.

I

brought your

wine, sir.

So you have.

What happened to my butler? He's in the dining room, so I'm giving him a hand.

My name's McIntyre.

Of course, you're Dan, the porter. That's right, sir. That's right, from

main gate, sir.

We're all behaving very licentiously at the moment, if you only knew.

This university is Presbyterian in the fullest possible sense. I have to behave

myself very circumspectly indeed.

Oh, Mr Milligan, sir, is outside.

He'd like a word with you.

Oh, yes.

Milligan is the president of the Students' Representative Council, Lord

Carshany. There's an old custom that he takes wine with the Lord Rector on his

arrival. Ah, does he?

Must I?

I won't let him keep you.

Show Mr. Millican in there. Very good, sir.

Good evening, Millican.

This is Mr. Millican, Lord Carshini. How do you do?

Very well, thank you, sir.

My lord, except for a slight cold.

Have a glass of sherry, Millican. Well, yes, sir. Thank you very much, sir.

If you don't mind, sir, Mr. Mayer, the president of the Men's Union and the

president of the Women's Union, and Mr. Dorfus Heyman, president of the

Temperance Society. Yes, yes. What about them?

They're waiting outside, sir. We wondered if the Lord Rector would

Well, there really isn't very much time. Thank you, sir.

All right, you can come in.

Good evening.

This is Miss Muir, Mr.

Mather, Mr.

Hayman, Lord Carshany.

How do you do? I don't suppose any of you... I do.

Oh.

Thank you. I'm afraid, sir, that we owe you an apology.

The tomato which struck Mr. Adolphus Heyman was not intended to imply any

personal disrespect for you, sir. No, no, I'm sure it wasn't.

It was intended solely for Mr. Heyman.

Yes, yes, of course.

I'm rather unpopular with certain sections of the university.

Are you? Are you indeed?

You'll excuse us leaving you. Finish your sherry before you go. Don't bother

shake hands with everybody, Lord Carsoni. You'll have the pleasure of

them all again tomorrow.

Good evening.

No. I'm afraid I didn't know him.

Pardon me.

Dan. Dan McEntee.

Oh, Dan.

Yes.

He might be in there.

Pardon me.

Dan, a professor.

Aye, what chair?

Divinity.

I've often thought the only chair we really need is the chair and the art of

getting away with it.

That's what the youth of the nation's all crying out for.

That's what I'd call education.

The art of getting away with it.

I agree.

Good evening.

Good evening.

We

were

just going.

The principal should be here any minute. It's just changing for dinner.

Cold, isn't it?

Very cold.

It's not so bad once you get acclimatized.

Isn't it? Oh, no, it makes you very fit.

Do you mind if we leave you here?

If we see Dan McEntee, we'll tell him to come up. He'll show you your room.

Oh, yes, do. I want to see him.

Are you staying here long?

I don't know.

Yes, perhaps.

Oh, good.

I think you'll like Scary Vaughan.

It's a bit cold at first, of course, but I always find that after a week or two,

I never notice the cold. Come on, we'll be late.

I suppose so.

Well, we're sure to eat again, aren't we? Oh, we must.

Yes, mustn't we? Au revoir, then. Au revoir. I have enjoyed our little chat.

Have you?

Have you?

Afraid you didn't find us at the top of our form.

You must be wonderful at the top of your form.

Good night, then, Miss... I didn't quite catch your name.

Shaw. Good night, Miss Shaw. Perhaps we'll see you at the Women's Union

tomorrow. I'm the president.

Yes?

Yes.

Good night.

Good night.

Good night, Miss Shaw. Good night, Miss Shaw. Good night.

Oh,

I beg your pardon. I thought... Good evening.

Oh, I know now. I'm sorry.

You're Miss Lamplighter, of course.

Yes, that's who I am.

I wasn't expecting you until tomorrow.

Well, I found I could manage it earlier.

I'm very glad, as a matter of fact.

We're all in rather a muddle at the moment.

Are you?

We're welcoming the Lord Rector.

He's one of the two most important people in the university.

The students elect him every three years.

Actually, Lord Carsoni has been our rector for two and a half years, but

only just being installed.

He's been shooting big game in Africa.

Would you like a glass of sherry? Yes, please.

Thank you.

Now, what's that you're reading?

It's a book.

It's by somebody I know.

Is it?

Did you know Conall O 'Grady?

Yes.

Didn't he have to leave Ireland in rather a hurry at the time of the

with both sides in hot pursuit?

After that, he seemed to disappear.

Brilliant fellow.

I was told... Yes?

Is it all right, sir, for me now to go off duty?

Everything's under control, sir.

Not quite everything.

I want some dinner for Miss Lamplighter.

This is Miss Lamplighter.

This is Dan McEntee. I may say he's not really my butler. Of course he isn't.

No, he's the main gate porter.

Well, sir, Ibrahim is now free, so I'll see if he can arrange some dinner for

Miss Lamplighter, is it? It is.

Lamplighter.

Miss Lamplighter, it's an awkward thing to have to suggest, but I think you'll

understand.

Do you think you could manage, when you come to work tomorrow, to look a little

less... You know what I mean?

I think I do.

This university is in the hands of people who are not noticeably in

with the latest trends in fashion.

I understand.

Well, I'm looking forward enormously to our talk about Conall O 'Grady. Yes,

that will be fun.

Yes.

Good night, Miss Lamplighter. Good night.

Sheltie.

Very silly name.

Who are you?

I'm the principal secretary.

Are you?

I think so.

Good evening.

Good evening to you, and may one ask? Are you aware that this is a private

Oh, perfectly.

I serve this university in the humble capacity of clerk of the senatus

academicus. Hmm?

The clerk of the senate.

Oh, I expect I shall get to know all the clerks sooner or later. I am Miss

Lamplighter. Indeed.

Does the principal know that you're here?

Yes, and if you don't mind, he particularly asked that nobody should

this room.

I'm Professor Heyman of the Chair of Ecclesiology.

The principal didn't instruct me to make any exception in your case. Would you

go now, please?

I shall certainly speak to Sir Archibald about this. Miss, uh... Sure.

Oh, lamplighter.

Miss Lamplighter.

Mr. Hilton.

Yes, sir, please, sir.

This is intolerable. How dare you behave in this fashion? What fashion, sir?

Don't be insolent. What are you doing in the principal's balcony? I was

conducting the wee male voice choir, sir. That was them singing, sir.

Serenading the Lord Rector.

Time -honored customs, sir. Very interesting old customs. Indeed.

You're drunk, sir.

Professor Hayman, oh, sir.

You'll be good enough to send that rabble away.

What harm are they doing?

Yes, sir.

What harm are they doing?

Will you do as you're told?

I've never heard of anything so silly. Madam, you'll kindly mind your own

business. Why should they go away?

Because I have ordered them to do so. What will you do if they don't?

Yes, sir, what will you do if they don't? A baton charge, I bet. Miss

Lamplighter, Mr.

Sheltie, this is no laughing matter, sir. You'll be rusticated, rusticated,

What does that mean?

If it interests you to know, it means the end of his career.

What nonsense.

He was just going to do what you told him to do when he waited to hear what I

had to say.

Anyhow, why should he do a silly, unreasonable thing just because you tell

to do it?

I shall certainly speak to the principal immediately.

When my authority is flouted by an entire stranger of whose credentials I

to be satisfied, then the time has come when the matter passes out of my hands.

Blast.

What's the matter?

Haywire's going to get me the sack.

My people won't be a bit pleased about it. If you want to please your people,

why don't you try to behave yourself? I do behave myself.

I work like a slave, honestly.

But Haywire's got his knife in me.

Why?

I'm young.

He hates that.

He's a miserable old hound.

My New Archie's not a bad sort of a swine.

He has a rotten job handling Hayman and all the other malignant old virgins on

the Senate.

You'll put in a good word for me, won't you?

Say it was only simple, hearty, boyish fun.

Don't worry.

I'll make it all right.

If you do something for me.

I wouldn't be surprised, Miss Lamplighter, if you lit such a lamp as

be extinguished. There's been a mistake.

My name is Shaw.

Shaw. I want you to take me to Dan McEntee.

Please tell me where I can find him. I must speak to him before he sees Sir

Archibald again.

And on occasions like this, the gravest crime that can be committed is to delay

the appearance of the principal actor by unnecessary speech -making.

So, without further ado, I give you the Lord Rector, who doubtless has a great

deal to say. Lord Carcheri.

Mr. Principal, Mr. Assessor, Professor Heyman, Lord Lady Duffy, ladies and

gentlemen.

What I have to say is that if... This university carries on in the future

as it has carried on in the past.

Well, everything will carry on very well.

Thank you.

An admirable choice for Lord Richter. That's just what I said when my husband

was unable to stand.

Oh, well, Lord Duffy would have been, or should I say in the near future will

be, an equally admirable choice.

I hope my wife hasn't promised you any money yet, Professor. What was that,

Duffy? Lord Duffy agrees with me that there are certain features of our

life that need inquiring into.

For instance?

Oh, I can give you a very good instance.

Only a short time ago, I was insulted by a student in your own library, Mr.

Shelty.

Some misunderstanding, I expect.

Yes, Mr. Shelty was drunk.

That was very wrong of him.

I'll talk to him in the morning.

Hardly an adequate punishment for an undergraduate who insults a member of

Senate of this university.

Yes, we'll have it all out in the morning.

There's also the question of the extramural activities of Porter McEntee.

Surely that hardly concerns us. I'm informed that he conducts an

Does he?

Does he really?

You must tell me about it.

I may have quite a lot to tell you.

I'm having it watched.

A small shot, babe.

Enjoying yourself?

I'm not here to enjoy myself.

My word, aren't we the solemn one?

What's the trouble?

Nothing. Oh, come off it. You're sitting there looking as if you just won all

the stars of the universe in a raffle. It's bad for business.

Come on, now. Hair up. A wee smile.

What's your name?

Adolphus Hayman.

Do you tell me that?

Mine's Mary.

What's the matter now? Have you seen a ghost?

Sheltie. Oh, him?

A bonnet -like ghost, him.

He had a woman with him.

Well, there's no law against that, thank goodness.

Tell me, what's behind that curtain?

That would be telling.

How the blazes did you get here?

Mr. Shelty very kindly brought me here.

Oh, Mr. Shelty.

Are you looking for a poke and a kisser, Mr. Shelty?

Look, you'd better take yourself out of here before you find yourself in

trouble. Go on.

Well, I suppose now that you are here, you had better sit down and take the

weight off your legs.

Thank you, Uncle Conall. I'm not your Uncle Conall.

I'm your Uncle Don.

How do you do?

Colonel O 'Grady is in America as far as you and anybody else in this part of

the world is concerned.

You wired for me to come.

I expected a better welcome than this. What kind of a welcome?

I didn't quite know.

A brass band, a turkey carpet and two cherubim dressed in the canonicals of

Masonic order.

Tell me, what the blazes were you doing with the principal?

I was looking for you. You didn't tell me they'd made you a butler. A butler?

Oh, no. I draw the line at that. I'm no butler. I'm porter down at the main

gate. And I've one or two business interests in the town.

I don't like this business.

I don't like it at all.

And I must say, I'm a little disappointed in Shelty.

Oh, don't be daft. Come on down with me and see for yourself.

No. Oh, come on. It'll do you good to loosen up.

I'm not narrow -minded. I wouldn't like you to think that.

But I'm a little unaccustomed to this sort of thing, Miss... Nellie's the

Well. Well?

Not tonight, Nellie.

Come on.

So they sent for me to take the chair of Celtic literature.

Well, I come down to see the principal.

That was a long time before Sir Archie.

Well, he was an old man.

Oh, as old as time itself.

And God save us, you know, I thought his mind must have been in other things.

It was the porter's job he thought I was after. Anyway, I didn't argue. I'm sure

the pay was much better.

So you settled down to live quietly and stare up mischief, eh?

I published a book or two of ours in America.

But it wasn't worth the effort.

There was no money in it.

Then now you're just a battered old hulk by the seashore.

Aye, terrible to think of a man like me that once had great thoughts whirling

through his brain, now to be sinking down into the mud, leaving nothing but a

bubble or two behind him.

Will you never be fit to sail?

Haven't you got it in you to be a king again?

Well, I might.

If I had a mob or an army or a boy and girl in love, I might find something in

me that hasn't died.

Eat up your meal. There's plenty more bacon here. You were good as uncle to me

once, Uncle Conall. And I'll be good again.

Never fear.

Don't you worry.

That was why I sent for you when I heard your poor mother had died.

Come here.

I want you to run this joint for me.

What kind of joint is it, for goodness sake? Well, it's a respectable sort of

dance hall, of which I've got an interest.

You're too late.

Why? I've got a job.

What job?

You promised you'd be here hours ago.

I know, but I had a wee job to do. What job? Helping the principal's secretary

to find Mr. Dan McEntee. Whatever for?

I was wondering about that.

She's had a very hard life, you know.

Her father deserted her mother in Paris when she was a child. Indeed.

You know, one time Miss Lamplighter had to give up being a secretary and go into

cabaret to make a living.

She's been all over Europe.

Oh, I should think she's pretty good. It isn't so much goodness that you need

for a job like that.

No?

We'll see.

No, sir.

I've looked very carefully.

No Colonel O 'Grady in this university.

Sorry, sir.

Good evening, Mr. Shelty. Good evening, miss. Good evening.

Are you staying at the university, miss? No, I have some work to do. I'm the

principal secretary.

Mm -hmm.

Miss Lamplighter?

Yes. Mm -hmm.

That's all right, miss. I'll wait for you down here.

You'll never find your own way back to the hotel in the dark.

I'll be all right.

Good night.

Miss Lamplighter. For heaven's sake, Miss Lamplighter.

I'd be obliged if you'd wake up.

Go away.

Good heavens, Miss Lamplighter, this is a university. A Presbyterian university.

Hello.

I must have dozed off. I was working late.

Miss Lamplighter.

Yes, Archibald?

Go and get yourself some breakfast.

Yes, sir, Archibald.

It is now 8 .50. Will half an hour be enough?

Yes, sir, Archibald.

We'll start work at half past nine, then, in the library.

And, Miss Lamplighter, please get dressed.

Yes, sir, Archibald.

Excuse me.

Uh, I wonder if you could give me some information as to the whereabouts of a

man named Connell O 'Grady.

Uh, Mr. Milliken?

Coming, sir.

Sorry, can't help you.

Yes, sir. Morning, sir.

I'm going to the principal's library.

Be good enough to find Mr. Shelton. Tell him the principal wishes to see him

there at nine o 'clock.

Yes, sir.

Good morning, Miss Landreiser.

Nice to see you again.

As it is, the situation is rapidly developing in the university in which

well find it useful to have the...

Undivided support of the Senate.

Come in.

Good morning, Sir Archibald.

Good morning.

Mr. Shelty is outside, Sir Archibald.

Is he? What does he want?

Tell him to come in.

Would you come in now, please, Mr. Shelty?

Sure.

Good morning, Shelty. What can I do for you?

Mr. Port, you're here at nine o 'clock, sir. Are you?

Oh, yes. I suppose you've come to apologize to Professor Heyman.

Well, sir... While I should be gratified if Mr. Shelty were moved to a sincere

apology, I hardly think that will close the incident.

But why not?

You have authority to rusticate Mr. Shelty.

I suggest that you do so now, giving him time to catch the forenoon train to

whatever quarter of the kingdom he has disgraced by his conduct.

I'm not quite clear as to what his conduct was.

He was drunk.

When I reproved him, he was insolent.

He was leading a rabble in the precincts of the university. One moment.

Do you admit to being drunk, Mr. Sheltie?

No, sir.

You're a liar, sir.

Well, if I insulted you last night, that just about makes us quits, doesn't it?

Mr. Principal, this is extremely undignified.

That was my own impression.

If you're going to take this young man's unsupported word against mine.

But it isn't unsupported.

Miss Lamplighter, this is university business.

Oh, all right.

But I'd rather put you right now than have you giving evidence in a libel

action. What do you mean?

I was talking to Mr.

Shelty outside.

He's taking an action against Professor Heyman.

I tried to persuade him not to, but he's absolutely implacable.

He's calling you too, Sir Archibald.

But I don't even know what happened.

Well, this gentleman...

came roaring and bawling into what I understood was a private room.

I was unaccustomed to this sort of thing.

She ordered me out of the room.

Oh, sir, Archibald, as if I would. I did tell him what you had said.

What did I say?

You said I wasn't to be disturbed, don't you remember?

Then the students began to sing and Professor Heyman began to shriek and

again. He threw open the window and bellowed at Mr. Shelton.

Yes, sir, that's right.

I protest against... Be good enough to control yourself. Miss Lamplighter is

speaking.

Frankly, I was beginning to think he wasn't quite right in the head.

Then Mr. Shelsey explained very kindly and politely what he was doing.

And Professor Heyman bellowed out that he was drunk and began stamping and

shrieking up and down the room.

Mr. Principal, I have served this university for 25 years.

A splendid record.

Look here, there's been some sort of misunderstanding, but I really am very

busy. Shelsey, you'd better run away.

Yes. Thank you, sir.

I shall certainly not allow the matter to rest some other time.

Sir.

I think, Miss Lamplighter, you're perhaps a little unfamiliar with

procedure.

Yes.

However, I expect you'll get used to it in time.

Just a minute.

You'd better read this. It was among your letters.

It was from Miss Lamplighter.

We are being deceived at office.

All is not what it seems.

We are surrounded by whited sepulchres. Surely the physical architecture of

Skerry Vore... I was referring to the model architecture of Skerry Vore and to

the... What did you call it? The cavity? Yes. The plough and the stars? Yes, the

plough and the stars.

There's something behind a name like that.

And there's something behind those plush curtains.

Smacks of debauchery to me.

You must get behind those plush curtains tonight.

But you said you were Miss Lamplighter. No, you said I was Miss Lamplighter. My

name is Shaw.

Well, I must say it's a little high -handed of Miss Lamplighter joining the

like this.

After all, it's difficult to find a suitable secretary.

Am I not suitable then? Yes, yes, I think I've been very lucky.

Do you?

After all, I don't expect Miss Lamplighter would have known anything

Colonel O 'Grady.

Oh.

Well, you mustn't stand here gossiping like this.

Lord Carshini's installation begins shortly.

Poor man.

Poor us.

And to think we've got to go through all this again in a few months' time with a

new Lord Rector. Well, it won't do anybody any harm.

I wish I could persuade Professor Heyman to take that view.

Have you ever seen a Senate in procession? No.

Then we must complete your education this morning.

Did you ever see such a conglomeration?

Wouldn't you think now they'd have something better to do with their time

to be churning out neat little bundles of middle of bad doctors, Parsons and

schoolteachers twice a year, what?

And yet, you know, once in a while they do send out into the world a young,

fresh -faced boy with a germ in his skull.

And the germ crawls round in a boat and grows until with the years...

It bursts, and then he turns the tripes out of the universe.

If they were all like Heyman, there wouldn't be any fresh -faced boys at

But they're not all like Heyman.

There's one or two of them on our side.

You are aware, ladies and gentlemen, that the pursuit of knowledge continues

with unabated fervor at this university during the rectorial celebrations.

In other universities, this is a time of holiday, but here our masters decree

otherwise.

I therefore reluctantly draw your attention to the importance of the

of pH to the isoelectric point in the precipitation from solutions of proteins

and related substances.

Mr. Heyman appears to be suffering from some disturbance of the vagus nerve.

If he can find some means of controlling it, he will place us all under a heavy

burden of gratitude.

Professor Bacon, I know an infallible cure for Heyman's complaint.

If Mr. Heyman is agreeable, I wish you would apply it to him. It involves the

swallowing of a certain quantity of water where the auditory miatae and

passages are manually occluded.

Yes, yes, do what you can for him.

The pH... of the mother liquor is the determining factor in the isolation of

hormones.

Thyroxine, insulin, anterior pituitary.

Provided that the solution is not at the isoelectric point of insulin.

Insulin is soluble in water, up to 80%,

and in alcohol.

What is going on up there? I think the president of the Temperance Society is

feeling a little off colour, sir.

Well, you'd better take him out into the fresh air.

Oh, yes, sir. What a good idea. The fresh air will have a splendid effect on

him, sir.

I repeat, ladies and gentlemen, that insulin is soluble in water.

alcohol. That's your fifth.

Feeling better?

Much better.

Lord Carshini, you won't have to stay long. No?

You had to come, of course.

All this festivity is in your honour. Oh.

We always do it after we install a new Lord Rector. Yeah.

Good idea, really.

Makes settling down to hard work quite a pleasant change.

Principal ordered me to. Did he?

Did he really?

Well, in a way. Well, I must say, this place is like a wet Sunday on a cruise

station until you arrive.

I suppose all the students are not here tonight, Bob.

Yes.

No, no, not all.

Officer.

I have a friend.

Sitting on a bench in McClatham Park.

Where, where?

He's drunk. Do you tell me that now?

I am but a child in these matters. Yes, yes.

Will you kindly tell me what I can do to restore my friend to Sir Brad?

Tell your friend to go home and lie down like a good boy and he'll be fine,

fine.

Does your friend know the way?

Perfectly. He's not going home, you know.

He's going to see Nellie.

Good evening, Professor Heyman. What is it?

There's a lighting arrangement here tonight, provocative in the extreme.

You have found it, sir?

I've found one alcove in almost complete darkness.

No harm has been done so far, but...

Professor Heyman.

My dear Lady Duffy.

I haven't seen Adolphus this evening.

Adolphus, unfortunately, is not with us.

Earlier in the day, I charged him with some business concerning the welfare of

the university.

Well, you're expecting a lot of a girl.

It might be anything.

It is.

You are in a queer way, aren't you?

Very well.

What is it? You promised to show me what was behind.

Blush cotton.

Did I?

Well, that's easy. Go and have a wee look for yourself.

Is that all?

Oh, it's a disappointment to me. A bitter disappointment.

I'm going to the Red Lion.

Oh, no, you don't. You'll be safer here than me.

Shall I, sweet Nellie? Of course you will.

I believe I will.

Besides, there's a bit more to see down below.

Then let's go down below.

Nellie, Nellie.

Why? What are you worrying about?

I got you off this morning, didn't I?

I know, but... I'm sure old Haywire's made up his mind to get me kicked out.

did. If he does see a lawyer... No, I couldn't do that. I wouldn't be playing

the game. What game?

Oh, I don't know.

There's some things you can do in a place like this and some things you

I'm a little tired of the things you can't do at this dance.

So am I. Let's go down to Dan's place.

At least you can do anything you want there.

Come on, I'll get a taxi.

going so soon?

I want to get out of here before Rigor Mortis sets in. But we haven't had a

dance yet.

I know.

I thought perhaps it wasn't allowed.

Of course it is.

You've left it too late.

Good night, Fidelis. Good night, Mr. Sheltie. Good night, Miss Landbiter.

I wrote that.

Who's that?

Who's that?

I know who that was.

Chelsea. Oh, Chelsea.

Oh, Chelsea.

The university authorities have certain disquieting information.

about what's happening tonight at an establishment in the High Street known

the Plough and the Stars.

You're not expecting us to read it, surely? There's no harm in the place.

The clerk of Senate has ordered me to investigate, and I shall need

Charlie. I want to dance a reel.

I say, can we have a reel?

Oh, no, look, we must.

Oh, we must have a reel.

That's no good. Now we'll find a reel.

Let's reel.

Reel. Let's reel.

You're welcome.

I have orders from the university authorities to make certain inquiries

this establishment.

What's wrong?

What's wrong?

Adolphus has been letting his side down.

Drunk? Wonderfully.

Hey, hey, get away, Mr. Martha.

I'm surprised that you, a new president of the Students' Union, take yourself

onto the piano stand there and play something loud.

Come on now, sit down and get playing. What are we paying you for? Come on now,

get dancing. Get dancing and behave yourselves like a lot of distant and

Christians. Come on now.

What good and holy have you been up to? Me?

Letting the poor fellow get into this state.

I did nothing of the sort. Let him get into any kind of state.

He was as poor as a puggy when I found him. Is he all right now? He'll do.

All right, I'll let the police in.

It might have been as well if we'd come down to the fire escape after all. This

way, sir.

Please, ladies and gentlemen, this is not a police raid.

This gentleman here is wanting a word or two with one or two of the young

gentlemen from the university.

Heaven's helpers, there's the university battalions. What can he do?

Nothing but if he comes in here and sees this car, there's going to be the

devil's own row.

And he and the state he's in.

If his father could see him now.

Look, we'd better get him out of here at once.

Willie.

Go you and get hold of Mr. McEntee. Aye, right, Sergeant.

I'm surprised to see you here, Mr. Mather.

The surprise is quite mutual, Bedellus.

Yes,

sir.

You, sir.

What's your name?

What's in that empty lemonade bottles

insider. Get him into a taxi and take him to my place.

We'll follow up.

Come on, son. You're home at last.

Now, over here.

Whoa. Whoa.

Now we've got your bag off, we'll have a wee cup of tea. There's nothing like

it.

You'll not go to sleep yet, though.

Here. Wake up.

Are you all right?

Mr. Hayman.

Adolphus.

Oh, Mr. McIntyre, I'm that glad to see you.

What's wrong? Had you any trouble? No, no trouble at all.

How is he?

Mr. McEntee, I think he's dead. Dead?

Come on, Mr. Heyman, pull yourself together.

Look, Nellie, I wonder would you get me a glass like a good girl?

Yes, Mr. McEntee.

Where did you get this?

Woolworths, Mr. McEntee.

Woolworths, that's... All right, give me the other hand.

Now, Mr. Heyman, get that into here.

Good evening, Mr. Heyman.

Where am I? Your fiancée brought you here.

My what?

Your fiancée, this little girl here.

We've never met.

Oh, the real liar.

After you kissing her and squeezing her and hugging her.

and telling her how much she loved her, and then buying her an engagement ring.

You certainly did.

Look here, I... Why weren't you at the ball tonight?

Was I not? No.

Where was I? You were celebrating your engagement.

How can I explain?

Only silly people have to explain, don't they, Miss... What's your fiancé's

name? No idea.

Nearly Kayleigh.

What happened to Mr. Shelty?

Mr. Shelty's in jail.

Jail? We want to bail him out.

Have you any money? My money.

What? No money.

Of course he's got money.

No. Only for Mr. Shetty, you might have been in jail yourself, and your father

might have had to bail you out.

Those are the subscriptions for the temperance society.

Come on, you'd better show him in the way.

Righty -o.

Go on, Miss Haven.

Time you were getting into bed. I'll get you a drink.

About Nellie.

You know, I really don't know what makes you think.

Well, now, what conclusion could any reasonable man come to? What? Whenever

finds a young fellow like you bundling a girl into a sack to take her home to

your parents, huh?

Oh, I must have been in a terrible state. I tell you, you had the young

black and blue.

It just shows there's a lot of the beast in all of us.

Go on, into bed.

Dad. What?

Thank you very much for being so kind.

You and Shelty and Miss Shaw.

Oh, not at all. That was nothing. Come on now, like a decent fellow. Into the

bed with you.

That's good.

You know, Nellie is a nice looking girl.

Nellie's a good girl.

She'd do you no harm.

No harm at all.

Now, what's the matter? What did I do with the receipt for your bail money?

I've got it somewhere.

I hear it is. Thank goodness.

Master Heyman will need that to balance the books of the Temperance Society.

And through here.

Do you know where you are now?

I can find my own way from here.

I'll push off home then.

I can't help it. You look so funny.

Poor wounded Mr. Shelty.

Here, let's make it better.

I'll wear this bandage forever now. Nonsense. Go home. Take it off and try a

cold compress instead.

But I don't... Go home.

Oh, it's you.

May I ask what you're doing here at this time of night? I was just going home.

You left the dance at the Giffin Hall some time ago. Yes.

And since then? I've just been getting some fresh air.

Don't you think it would be less indiscreet if you got your fresh air, as

call it, outside the precincts of the university?

You're being abominably rude.

I'm sorry.

Forget it.

Oh, of course.

I realise I'm only the...

dull, elderly principal of a Scottish university.

I cannot... Oh, for goodness sake. I've been rescuing silly little boys all

evening and I don't want any more of it.

I beg your pardon. I don't quite... I'm tired.

May I go home now?

Of course. It was thoughtless of me.

You must forgive me. I apologise, Miss Lamplighter. Sure.

Oh, Miss Shaw, I mean.

Good night, then.

Good night, Miss Shaw.

Ah, good morning. Good morning, Lord Kasheni. The principal should be here in

moment. Yes, I just came in to say goodbye to him and to thank him for a

interesting and most delightful visit.

You're escaping just in time. After today, your experiences here will seem

a Sunday school treat.

Oh, bless my soul.

Yes, indeed.

Lord Kasheni?

Yes? This is a lovely place. It should be heaven for young people. And there's

nasty old beast called Haman spoiling it all.

Haman? Yes, Haman.

Why can't you give him the push?

The push?

Oh, yes.

I'm afraid I don't quite know the extent of my authority.

You can do anything you want.

Ah, yes, indeed.

That's just what makes this such a difficult job, my dear young lady.

But I tell you what. My successor will be appointed in a few months' time, and

I'll ask him to do it for you.

That's it when I know who it is.

Good morning. Oh, good morning. Good morning, Monsieur.

Good morning, Sir Archibald.

You just off, Lord Carson? Yes, I just came in to say goodbye.

And now you can all settle down to some really hard work. What?

This class normally consists of 47 students.

Where are the other 44?

I don't know, sir.

There seems to be something queer going on.

Where's the meeting? At the Union, half past two.

Will Shelty get the sack?

I expect so.

But you mustn't let him. I can't stop it. Of course you can.

You can do anything if you try.

I respect Mr. Shelty's right to make what he chooses of his life.

I think he'll make something pretty good of it.

And so far as this university is concerned, it seems that he can't behave

himself. Yes, he can.

I'll see that he does.

All this fuss and bother about a nice young man and a perfectly nice dance

That is not how the dance hall was described to me. You don't know anything

about it.

Let's go around there tonight and you can see for yourself.

What? Well, wouldn't you like that?

My good woman, are you aware that I'm the principal of this university?

Professor Heyman thinks he is.

Why are you afraid of that old two yards of misery?

This university is a large institution which has to be run on certain lines.

These lines are laid down by the university court and by the senate. It's

duty to support them.

Even when they're wrong?

Even when I disagree with them. I see.

So you're not coming out with me tonight.

I think I'll go anyhow.

I'll find Mr. Shelty.

He'll take me.

You seem to have got on to very rapid good terms with Mr.

Shelty. Of course. I get on to very good terms with practically everybody.

Miss Shaw.

Yes, Sir Archibald.

Are you fond of this young man?

Why do you ask?

Well, I wanted to know.

Mr. Principal, I am not the kind of girl who robs cradles.

No. No, of course not.

Shorty's a baby.

I'm glad to hear you say that.

I think I may have been a little unfair to you, Miss Shaw.

Ada. I beg your pardon?

My name is Ada.

Oh.

Miss Shaw.

Ada. Hmm?

Ada.

I realize that I'm dull. No, you're not. Yes, I am.

I'm not at all the sort of person that you're accustomed to. Thank goodness.

The academic life makes one a little pompous and boring and self -centered.

it doesn't. And you're not, honestly.

Oh, yes, I am.

And I'm considerably older than you are. Not much. Only 20 years.

Well, 15.

15 years is quite a big difference.

It doesn't worry me, anyhow.

You can't be sure.

I'm certain.

Are you?

I think it's rather nice if the man has more experience than the woman.

Do you?

Yes.

But if the man is so much older, isn't it wrong to take advantage of the girl's

youth? But he hasn't taken advantage of the girl's youth, has he?

Perhaps he feels he might be a disappointment to her.

How does he know until he tries?

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that.

I've only known you for three days.

Two, to be academic.

Two? Don't be silly.

Shelty wouldn't have thought twice about it.

I see no particular reason why we should discuss Mr. Shelty at all.

All right, then we won't. And you accept my apology?

Whatever for?

For what happened just now.

No, I won't.

I'm tired of doing all the work for you.

And I think it's about time you apologize for pretending to be dull,

self -centered, boring, and old.

And you're nothing of the sort.

I'm looking for someone.

He was called O 'Grady once.

General Conall O 'Grady.

He sounds very important.

I've... I've just got to post some letters.

Do come with me, and then you can tell me all about General... What did you

him?

We are assembled here today to discuss certain aspects of the higher direction

of this university.

Apart from certain influences of which you are all aware...

ready now, I think, gentlemen.

This meeting has been called to enable Professor Heyman to make certain

I invite him to make them.

We are confronted today, gentlemen, with the consideration of the most unsavory

affair that has ever, in my experience, come before the senatus academicus of

this university.

We are threatened from within and from without!

that you have been very busy with affairs, both within and without the

university. But one is perhaps a little inclined to forget that the reins of

discipline require a very firm hand.

And we have decided, sitting here in solemn conclave... Quite. Let's get this

over.

Bedellus, bring Mr. Shelty in.

Well, Mr. Schulte, what's the matter with your eye?

It was black, sir.

I've got a black eye.

I see.

Mr. Schulte, the Senate has considered your case as sympathetically as

Last night, you used abusive language and assaulted the police.

Yes, sir.

Well, that's right, sir.

That sort of thing does your university no credit, Mr. Schulte.

Students are being victimized. They're being ham... from right and left. We

take action. We must defend ourselves.

And who knows who may be next.

And so, Mr. Shelty, I have no alternative but to send you down.

Why?

Why must you send him down? Really, Mr. Principal?

I'm in the hands of the Senate.

No, you're not.

You're the head of this university. You can do what you like.

Can't you?

And did you never hit a policeman?

That is neither here nor there. That'll do, Shelter. You may go.

We shall consider next the case of Porter McEntee.

Fidelis, I'll see McEntee now.

You ruined that, boy.

And you had no right to do it. I call it a damn shame.

I have never in my life heard the like of this before.

then your education has been neglected.

Miss Shaw, you've been invited to take the minutes, not to provide them.

Good afternoon, sir.

That's a beautiful day.

Yes, beautiful.

Well, McEntee, we're about to lose you. Yes.

You understand why?

Oh, perfectly.

Perfectly. Very well, then. I hope it's not too late for you to pull yourself

together.

Goodbye. Goodbye, sir.

That concludes our business for the day, gentlemen. One moment.

McEntee here. That concludes our business, Heyman.

You may go, gentlemen.

Yes, but the Cape McEntee... If you have any personal business with Mr. McEntee,

it'll be dealt with in private.

I've a word or two to say to you, my man. And I to you, since the opportunity

offers. I, uh...

I've compiled a short memorandum indicating the points at which this man

has put himself within the grasp of the law. Need we worry about that now?

Certainly we must. It's a public duty. When you've read this letter, I propose

that you sign it at once and send it to the public prosecutor.

But why?

I see no reason. The man's a criminal.

Apart from the fact that he's a bookmaker, I... Easy now.

There is that in the documents that'll wipe that grin off your face. I have

evidence here to show your dance establishment to be nothing better than

disorderly house. There's nothing disorderly about it. And for that you

flogged, sir. I cannot understand the attitude of the principal, but I know my

own duty as a citizen. And as I say it with all reverence, an humble instrument

of providence.

Providence, is it?

Do you think that... Providence is a drunken slot in a kitchen fight to pick

the likes of you to throw at the likes of me.

The black and tans in Ireland tried it. The fellas with the long coats and the

hats pulled down over their eyes. They tried to get me with their bombs and

their bullets, but they failed. Do you think I'll go down before a crack joint

or jumped up Bible thumper the likes of you? Thank God, man, I could break you

with my knee.

Your own connection with this university is rapidly drawing to a close. That

will do, Heyman. Miss Shaw is my personal affair.

I have no doubt of that, if that is how you choose to describe her. The Senate

may take a serious view. Do you want me to resign?

No, I don't.

I need you. I know that. I told you so myself.

Then I won't resign.

You'll take that accusation back before I push your ill -fitting false teeth

down your throat. I'll not take back a word of it. Your establishment is

but a house of ill fame.

might be disturbed to know that your son is engaged to marry its leading lady.

What did you say?

Your son is engaged to marry Miss Nellie Kelly, the principal dance hostess.

I don't believe it.

This is a vile slander. Well, why not fetch him in and ask him?

He's probably outside now with a bunch of students.

He's sure she's a nice little girl. He's done well for himself.

She'll bring a better life into the family.

Fidelis, is Mr. Hayman outside?

Is this true, Adolphus? Is what true?

That you've been trapped into an alliance with a woman?

Well, yes, I suppose I was. There you are, Mr. Principal. If further evidence

were needed of McEntee's nefarious trade... Oh, but I want to stay... Be

boy. But I want to stay trapped. I like it.

Miss Kelly and I have discussed the matter in some detail.

We find we have certain affinities. Give me strength.

Certainly. Do you know, I happen to have discovered that a little of this...

Shall we have a drink all round to celebrate?

Holy Moses!

My whiskey!

And three quarters gone, eh?

This is too much.

Oh, you've seen nothing yet. Wait till you see the deputation.

Deputation? From the students, sir. They're waiting outside. Shall I bring

in? Yes. No, wait a minute.

General O 'Grady?

Easy, easy, easy now, easy.

Haven't I shed enough blood for Ireland?

What the devil's all this about?

Oh, I think perhaps you've mistaken my intentions.

Are you the head of this university, sir?

Up to a short time ago, that was my belief.

Well, that's my name.

You will see from that that I am a private inquiry agent with offices in

York, London, Paris, Madrid, Buenos Aires, and Cape Town.

My clients in this instance are the governing body of the University of

Thermopylae in Pennsylvania.

They were unable to obtain General O 'Grady's address from his publishers,

seem to have lost track of him.

My mission is to present General O 'Grady with their invitation to occupy

chair of Celtic literature at that university.

But that's Mac and T, the main gate porter at the university.

At least he was the porter until a few minutes ago.

Bedellus, for heaven's sake, what is happening outside?

Go and find out at once.

Bedellus, shut the door and keep that noise out.

What do you want, Millicent? Good afternoon, sir. Good afternoon.

What's this, a revolution or a lynching? Neither, sir.

Mr. Vice -Chancellor, sir, I have the honour to announce on behalf of a mass

meeting of the students of this university the unanimous nomination of a

candidate for the office of Lord Rector, which, as you know, sir, will require

to be filled in six months' time.

And I hand you now the aforementioned nomination, which has been signed by 20

alumni according to the ordinance.

Surely very unusual to have a unanimous vote at this stage.

Yes, sir.

I'm glad to know that Lord Duffy's so popular.

Lord Duffy, sir. But surely...

Mr. Conall O 'Grady, sir. Great Irish poet, sir.

Yes, that's him.

He, I mean.

Mr. Principal and Professor Heyman, you didn't know it, but your gate porter is

a great man.

He is a knight of the Holy Roman Empire and of the Order of Chastity, first

degree. He's a doctor of civil law of Oxford.

He's a doctor of letters and commercial drama of Yale.

He's a Nobel Prize man. He's... He's 62 years old.

And for years, Professor Heyman, he's been touching his head to silly old men

like you as if he were nobody.

Well, he's obviously somebody now.

I think you'd better go out and speak to them. You can't be serious. This is an

outrage.

Mr. Principal, you're not seriously proposing to accept the nomination of

person for one of the most exalted offices in this university.

But I must.

It's all perfectly in order.

Then I shall resign.

I beg your pardon?

He said he would resign.

He said it before a witness.

One more thing, Heyman. After your resignation, it might be wise to

Senate to overlook the matter of Mr. Shelty and the incident in the cafe,

regard to all the circumstances.

Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking.

Well, I hope you'll all forgive me if I address you in halting, inarticulate

tones. But I feel like one who's come out of the long

darkness into the bright sunshine of the proudest day of my life.

Now, I'm a tough man.

scarred and battered by battle and catastrophe, until I've got a hide on me

tough as a rhinoceros.

But I have my Achilles' heel.

It beats right here on the left side of me chest.

And you have found a way to it.

I suppose this is the moment for me to resign, too.

You're going to resign, all right.

I refuse to be in love with my secretary.

I'm not old or pompous anymore.

I feel the same age as any one of those young thugs yelling out there.

I want you very, very much to marry me.