Original subtitles

I've come here to sell my wares, not to be laughed at or mucked about.

My wares are guaranteed to cure hard core, soft core and pimples on the tongue.

What we've got here today, we've got the Musta 80 in—car radio,

as recommended by Nigel Mansell

No, no ,no, straight up. I wouldn't wind you up on something as important as this.

This is solid state—of—the—arts technology.

This is none of your Japanese or German rubbish — no sir.

This is actually made in Albania.

Let me point out the advantages of this machine.

It's got multiple pre—sets, synthesised tuners, digital scan,

auto reverse graphic equalisers.

It's got MW, FM, VHF, LCD, RMS, B&Q and Id,

and it comes with two, not one, two, count them — one, two — quadraphonic speakers.

I'm giving away free with this technological miracle one Kylie Minogue LP.

Wait a minute, only 10.99.

Don't walk away, you can regret this for the rest of your life.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do. Forget the Kylie Minogue LP.

Ten quid. First come, first served.

- Hello, Albert. - Oh, hello, love.

— What are you up to? - I'm Trotters Independent Traders' look—out.

When Rodney went to work for your Dad, I got promoted.

I wish it was that easy for me.

Have the bank said something about your new job?

No. I had an interview yesterday. My boss said he'll speak on my behalf.

Youll get your promotion, Cassandra. I feel it: in my bones.

It'll make a lovely anniversary present for you.

Talking of anniversary presents, I know what Del's got for you.

You know me, I ain't saying nothing. Don't want to spoil the surprise.

- Go on — spoil it. — Alright then. A car radio.

A car rad...! I've already got a radio in my car.

- Have you? It'll do for Rodney then. - Yeah, it'll look good on his bike...

Maybe Del's looking for the future.

When you get your new job, you'll become a two car family.

1 think it'll be a long time before we become a two car family.

You've only been married a year. First two or three are always a struggle.

It was the same with me and my wife. She wrote and said how tough it was.

— What do you mean, she used to write? — I was at sea, there was a war on.

I found this this moming in my duffle bag. I ain't seen it for years, I thought I lost it.

I've only got one hour for my lunch.

It was midnight when we sailed in to this little harbour

on board this Greek herring trawler. That was our cover.

Oi! what is your game?

You're on the look-out. I haven't seen you look at anything.

The massed bands of the Metropolitan Police

could march past playing "I Shot the Sheriff", and you wouldn't see nothing.

Cassandra wanted to know where I won my medal

It was my fault, I'm sorry. I'd better go, I've got some shopping to do.

Is it for tomorrow night's anniversary dinner? What time do you want us there?

Didn't Rodney say we'll take you to a restaurant at a later date?

I told Rodney that was too expensive. You've got to look after your pennies, sweetheart.

It's not so much an anniversary dinner, it's more business.

I've invited some people from the bank. I'm worried you'll get bored.

No, you don't have to worry about us. This is your night.

We don't want to let you down. You're family now. Alright?

- Yeah. Eight o'clock okay? - Yeah, lovely jubbly!

(BABY CRYING) Hello, Del. Hello, darling.

— Can I look? - If you want.

But he ain't at his best, miserable little git.

He's missing his moming nap. Ain't you, darling?

(BABY CRIES)

Oh, he's most probably got wind. Ah, look at him.

He's a little cracker. Does remind me of Boycie.

— What, the eyes? - No, the wind.

— What have you named him? — We've called him Tiler.

Tiler? Nice...

If it had been a girl, they would have called it Ruth. Ruth Tiler.

— Ruth Tiler...! ~ Really?

No, it's only... What's up with you two?

Hello, Albert. Cor blimey, that's not another medal, is it?

An act of bravery in the Aegean Sea. I was on this Greek herring trawler

when suddenly out of the darkness came this German torpedo boat.

You must have come back with more medals than the Russian Olympic squad.

I didn't ask for them, they kept giving them to me.

(BABY CRIES) Shut up, Tiler.

Giss him here, giss him here. I'm a natural with kids.

- I'm off then. Nice to see you. — Alright Cassandra. Ta—ta now, love.

That Cassandra is a nice girl. Rodney was lucky marrying her.

Yeah, and I was lumbered with the old man and the sea.

Talking of sea. Boycie told me you lot are off on a beano to Margate.

The Jolly Boys Outing? We go every couple of years, I organise it.

If he gets up to anything with a bird in Margate, you're responsible.

He won't get up to nothing. we'll only be there a couple of hours.

He don't need a couple of hours. 30 seconds does him.

There I was at the wheel of this Greek herring trawler sailing into the unknown.

It was 2300 hours, and the night was blacker than a bailiff's heart.

Where's Rodney working now?

With Alan, Cassandra's Dad, at the printing works.

He managed to keep that job?

He's doing very nicely. Works in the computer section.

They had a trainee start last month — showing him all the ropes.

Rodney'll soon pick it up.

No, Rodney's showing the trainee all the ropes.

Oh!

Out of the darkness came this German torpedo boat,

quick as a flash, and without giving a thought to my own safety or anyone else's,

I swung the wheel to port and sent the trawler right across the German boat's bow.

We were slightly damaged, but Jerry sank within a minute.

That's why they gave me this medal.

One day, if you're lucky, you might win one of these.

But then again... Hopefully not.

You see, Marlene, Rodney's in charge of the whole computer section.

I don't know where the firm would be without Rodney.

(RODNEY): Shit!

It's the second time I've done that today.

— How's it going, Rodney? — Oh... Fine.

— Have you got the print—outs for the bank? — Shouldn't be long, Alan.

I'd be careful if I was you, you've wiped them off once today already.

No problem.

So... What have you bought Cassandra for your anniversary?

Oh, it was...

- Clothing. ~ Lovely.

She'll probably wear it for the dinner.

I don't think she will, Alan.

Oh... Oh!

well, I really am looking forward to your anniversary dinner.

So was I till I found out she's invited that Stephen and Joanne.

Stephen is the assistant head of the bank's overseas investment bureau. He's Cassy's boss.

She's applied for promotion, she's got to stay on his good side.

I know, but he's such a yuppie.

All that: "Oh yeah, for sure."

And all that: "Can I just run this past you?" Prat!

I can't stand him either, but he could do the company good.

I'd rather have him inside the tent spitting out than vice versa.

— Understand? - Yeah, course I do.

Look... If Cassy gets this promotion, one of her jobs and one of her duties

is entertaining at home,

so she's invited Stephen and his wife to prove that she can throw a good dinner party.

Take no notice of me, I'm just overreacting.

we'll all be on our best behaviour, make a good impression for our little Cassy, eh?

Alan! I've invited Del and Albert!

You've what?

I had to. They're family.

I don't suppose she'd have been happy in her new job anyway.

Excuse me, sir.

— Oh... what? - It's just the data you had on your screen.

It's on my one now.

Well, of course it is!

They don't know they're bom, do they.

(LAUGHTER)

(STEPHEN): At first glance it may appear to be slightly off the wall,

but the word in the city is big bucksville.

— What's this big secret then? —Stephen's about to tell you.

It's no stock market secret or insider information, merely my humble opinion.

Okay, let me run this one past you, try to get your heads round this.

I'm going to say one word, but I'm talking future, long term investment.

- It's hang in there time. - Yeah, for sure.

This is the bottom line, take it on board if you wish.

The word is — Africa.

Africa. Africa. I'll make a note of that in my Filofax, if I may, Stephen.

—Pen? - No.

The two main ladies in my life, Joanne and Cassy,

know where I'm coming from.

Stephen was telling me about the projected world growth areas the other day.

And Africa is where it's at.

Recently Joanne and I spent a little time down in Afrique—Sur—Mer.

Fabrique Belgique.

This is it...

Fruit produce.

With new technology we could be talking returns of left—field proportions.

Take the banana crop alone, we're in to mega—growth.

You can't go wrong, Stephen. The bigger the banana the better. That's my motto.

For sure, and statistically we're talking... What?!

It's easier to sell bigger bananas than little "uns. Ain't it, Rodney?

When Stephen talks about growth he's talking about financial investment,

not about the actual size of the banana.

Oh, yeah... No, yeah, no... I just wasn't sure.

— Coffee, everyone? —Mummy, I was about to do that.

You're talking with Stephen, so I might as well make myself useful.

It's a lovely flat, Cassandra. Everything is so well coordinated.

That's "cos Rodney's got a G.CE. in art.

Liqueurs, anyone? Dad?

I'll have a scotch, please, love.

No, make that a small port, please.

~ Roddy? ~ Roddy...2 Roddy!

Oi, Albert! She only calls him Roddy.

— Derek? — Brandy, please, Pamela.

— Armagnac? — That'll do if you're out of brandy.

- I'll have a rum, dear. - Yes, we know.

- I'l stay with the wine. — Same here, I'm getting up early tomorrow.

- Playing baseball - I love it, I watch it on Channel Four.

You don't like baseball You've always called it "Silly Boys Rounders".

I mean, that was before I knew it was "in".

Nowadays it's the sort of game that guys like me and Stephen enjoy.

How do you mean? Guys like me and Stephen?

You know, yuppies.

Yup...?

Derek, I am not a yuppie.

You are, Stephen, you are. Guaranteed.

- No... - Take it from me, son.

You are.

Are you going to give me the chance to wipe the floor with you at Trivial Pursuit or not?

Trivial Pursuits, eh? Lovely jubbly!

How do you play it?

The thing is, Del, it's all about general knowledge, it's a bit intellectual.

Some of the questions are difficult. It could be embarrassing.

Don't worry, I'll help you two out.

— What part of Africa did you go? - I bet he's been there.

— The trip ended at Dar Es Salaam. - I've been there.

This is really boring.

We left: Nairobi, went south to Moshe, across the Serengeti to Musoma,

the trek east to the coast.

During the war...

During the war we pursued a German battleship down the eastern coast

through the Zanzibar Channel. Three days and nights we chased it.

~ Did you catch it? - Yeah, worse luck. It sunk us.

We have to find that holiday brochure for Cassandra.

Try to get your heads around this, okay?

Imagine the sun setting on the vast waters of Lake Victoria.

A hundred thousand wildebeest grazing on the Masai Steppe, yeah?

Oh yeah, wonderful

A misty, sleepy dawn rises to reveal Kilimanjaro

in all its hypnotic majesty.

Oh, it sounds great.

We're going on a beano to Margate next Saturday, Stephen. Fancy coming?

Me...? It sounds great,

but it's bank holiday weekend and Joanne and I always spend them together.

No, I'm going to Mummy and Daddy's next Saturday, remember?

It's better than being on your own. It'll get you out of the old routine.

No, I mean... I wouldn't know anyone.

Course you will. Rodney's going.

You're going?

Yeah. It's tradition, you know. It's the Jolly Boys Outing.

~ The what? — The Jolly Boys Outing, gone on for years.

You can't stop Rodney from going. It's only a day out. It'll do him good.

Yeah. Anyway, your Dad'll be there to keep an eye on him.

You're not going on a bloody beano?

Del mentioned it, I thought a bit of sea air would do me good.

You're going to get drunk and make yourself sick on jellied eels!

I'm not going to drink anything and I'm not going to eat. I'll just enjoy myself.

(STEPHEN): Who threw the highest number, was it me?

- No, Del did. - I think it's me.

Roll again, Derek, and I'll ask the questions.

There we go. Four. What do I do now?

— This me? One, two, three, four. — Oh, S&N.

S&N! What's S&N?

— Science and nature, — Right.

Oh God! It's so simple!

What is a female swan called?

What is a... female swan called.

You don't know!

1 do, it's just stuck in the back of my brain there.

- Can you give us a clue? - Three letters.

Come on now! There's nothing in the rules about clues.

It's a fe, female swan, three letters. Um...

Wait a minute.

Got it! It's a Bic.

Help, I need somebody Help, nat just anybody

Help, you know I need someone Help

When I was younger so much younger than today

I never needed anybody's help in any way

But now these days are gone I'm not so self-assured

Now I've found I've changed my mind I've opened up the door

Help me if you can I'm feeling down Down, down, down

And I do appreciate you being round

Help me get my feet back on the ground

Won't you please, please help Help me! me

Get out, you noisy little git!

You miserable old sod! You're on a beano, you should enjoy yourself.

I haven't had my full quota of sleep, and I'm hungry. Why did we leave before breakfast?

Don't you read the papers? The railways are on strike.

It's a bank holiday, so the roads are going to be chock—a—bloc. That's why we left: early.

Repeat that, I want to make sure you understand.

I'll give you a clump around the ear in a minute.

— Del, can I get something to eat? — Sure, Denzil's in charge of the sandwiches.

You sit there, and I'll go and get some for you.

Lazy old git.

You've got to give Del his dues, he did all the catering himself.

Leave off, Jevon! Can you see Del Boy in a kitchen cutting up all them loaves.

— Some idiot probably did it for him. - No, I made them for him.

Here, want some bitter to wash it down with?

Denzil, what is your game? Don't you realise the damage that stuff does to you?

— They're antibiotics. - What?

Antibiotics, the doctor prescribed them. And I don't need that.

I'm not supposed to drink with them. I've got this infection.

Oh, have you...?

- It's in the ear? —How did you get it there?

That's where you normally get ear infections.

Don't tell anybody, these days people get the wrong ideas about this sort of thing.

Don't be silly, Denzil. Course I won't.

It's just an ear infection, that's all

You don't have to prove yourself to me, I'm your mate.

It's alright. By the way, there's been a change in plan.

You're no longer in charge of the sandwiches.

Michael! Your luck's changed, you're in charge of the grub.

- Oi, I want a word with you. — What is it, Sid?

— I own a café, right? — So what?

why didn't you ask me to make the sandwiches?

The explanation is simple. We intend to eat them.

Oh... Alright, then.

In ten minutes we'll be at the half-way house. That's when the serious stuff begins.

(CHEERING)

Make those lagers long and cool.

Oh yes! Look out Margate, and lock up your daughters. Hey?

— Alright, Alan? - Yeah, I'm alright, son...

Here's salad. There's cheese for you, Tom.

There you go, Denzil.

- You promised you wouldn't tell. — Sorry, it just slipped out.

Unclean! Unclean!

Del, here's the half-way house.

Hey! Lovely jubbly!

Here we go then. First of many.

— Have you seen Del Boy? — He was here just now. What's up?

1 think old Harry's had too much to drink, he's fallen over twice.

— Now he's juggling with pickled eggs. — What's that got to do with Del?

Del organised this outing, so it's his responsibility. I'll try the other bar.

Sorry, mate. Mike! It is you, isn't it?

I don't believe it! Eddie Chambers! I heard you emigrated.

That's right, yeah. I had a pub on the Isle of Wight.

- You still in the trade? - Yeah, got a lovely pub down in Peckham.

That's two of my satisfied regulars.

- You around for a while, Eddie? — About another half hour.

I'll catch up with you, we'll have a right old chat. I've got to dash, see you later.

Panic over the slightest little thing these days. Wouldn't have done in the war, Sid.

I wouldn't know. I spent most of my time in a German prisoner of war camp.

Got captured on an island called Siros in the Dodecanese, just off the Greek coast.

- No chance of escape, I suppose? — A few of us tried one night.

Got down to the harbour, overpowered some German sailors and nicked their boat.

Fast bugger it was as well

we'd almost made it to the open sea

and this poxy Greek fishing trawler cut right across our path.

Got fished out by the Germans and spent the rest of the war in a Stalag.

Sid? — Fancy another one, - Yeah, why not.

There you are, Del. We've got a bit of a problem in the main bar.

0 tre lke this, Michael. — We've got to stop meeti

Talk about a bad penny. Del, this is an old mate of mine. Eddie Chambers — Del Trotter.

- Nice to meet you, Del — And you, Eddie.

Eddie and I were rivals in the East End. We had pubs almost opposite each other.

— Except mine was better than yours. - You must be joking!

Del, you know how I run a pub. — That's right. His must have been better.

Thank you very much. You still doing it then, Eddie?

No, I got out of the pub game years ago.

I own a club in Margate —the Mardi Gras.

We do a decent meal, we've got a resident cabaret.

A singer, a magic act, a good comedian. What more do you want for a fiver?

Sounds fair enough to me, Eddie.

We're on a beano to Margate as it happens.

I just had an idea.

Give us some complimentary tickets, just to get the ball running,

and we'll bring the rest of the coach party to your place to pay at the door.

I'll have some of that. Two for you, two for you, Del.

- You know it makes sense. - Yeah. Maybe I'll see you later then.

What do we want complimentary tickets for a nightclub for?

— We have to leave before seven. - Look... Thank you very much.

Use your brains, Michael

We can flog them to the holiday—makers, make ourselves a few bob.

— Don't you ever stop? - No.

Yuppies never switch off, it's all or nothing with us.

— What's this problem? — Come and have a look at old Harry.

What?

Alright, Harry, don't worry. You'll be alright.

~ Look at the state of him. — And it's only eleven o'clock.

— This is good news, innit? — Chuck him on the back seat and let him sleep.

- Chuck him on the back seat? He's the driver. — Oh bloody hell!

— What are we going to do now? — 1 don't know yet.

There's bound to be a way out of it. There's always a way.

Young Denzil's a long distance lorry driver.

That's right! He could handle that coach.

No, he's got a Heavy Goods Licence. He needs a Public Service Licence.

He's got one of them. He used to drive on the buses with me.

That's it then, innit? We're saved.

— Denzi il, come here! t's you No! lucy day.

- What do you mean "no"? - I'm not driving that coach.

I drive all week — this is my day off.

If you don't drive, we have to wait until Harry sobers up.

And that'll take a fortnight.

— Sid used to be on the buses, he can drive. ~ I'd love to, but I had a couple of drinks.

- So have I. - No, you haven't.

You're not allowed. You're on antibiotics because of your disease.

I've not got a disease, I've got an ear infection!

Get your left foot up, Harry. There we are.

— What do you think's wrong with him? — What do I think...?

— Snow-blindness would be my bet, Trig. —Yeah? I thought he was pissed.

(DEL): Come on, Denzil! Have you got any better ideas?

Alright! I'll drive it on one condition — Harry drives it home.

Good boy, Denzil! You know it makes sense. Good lad. Go on then, get on there.

Come on then, you lot! Let's get on board. Hurry up.

Oi! You three! Get on the coach, we're ready for the off.

Rodney, give me that ball

Ruud Gullit — nowhere!

Excuse me, sir.

Here, what happened?

You're under arrest!

- I couldn't help it. - He's right, he just threw the ball to me.

1 don't know how much you had to drink, but it's too much.

— I just threw the ball back at him. - You can tell me all about it at the station.

— What's Cassandra going to say? — She doesn't need to know about it.

— What happens when the summons arrives? — They're not proceeding with the case!

That copper just charged me and took my statement. He's keeping the ball as exhibit A.

But the Chief Inspector won't take it any further, they'll let you off with a warning.

— But say they don't. — Let's cross that bridge when we come to it.

I'm sure you're in the clear. Come on, let's get on the coach.

— Alright... — That's the spirit, you know it makes sense.

Come on, Denzil! Full ahead both, we're off to Margate.

Everybody's talking at me

1 don't hear a word they're saying

Only the echoes of my mind

Peaple stop and stare and

1 can't see their faces

Only the shadows of their eyes

I'm going where the sun keeps shining through the pouring rain

Going where the weather suits my clothes

Banking off of the north—east winds

Sailing on summer breeze

Skipping over the ocean like a stone

I'm going where the sun keeps shining through the pouring rain

Going where the weather suits my clothes

Banking off of the north—east winds sailing on summer breeze

Skipping over the ocean like a stone

Everybody's talking at me

Can't hear a word they're saying

Only the echoes of my mind

1 won't let you leave my love behind

No, I won't let you leave

Well, the coach leaves in an hour.

- It hasn't been a bad old day, has it? - No, it's been alright, bruv.

I've really enjoyed myself.

I'm feeling a bit cream—crackered now, though.

I might have a touch of that yuppie—flu.

Couldn't have something to do with the lobster vindaloo and the 1 Pina Coladas, could it?

It might have slowed me down a bit, yeah.

I went down the cemetery yesterday. Put some flowers on Mum's grave.

I haven't been down there lately. There's always something to do, you know.

— She knows you still think about her. — Of course I do.

I just, you know... I just sat there, I was like chatting an' that.

Just letting her know what's been happening.

I bet she was well pleased.

Your Cassandra, she reminds me a bit of Mum, you know.

She's got drive. That's one thing Mum had, Mum had a lot of drive.

Yeah.

Cassandra's very ambitious.

— That's good, innit? - Mmm.

Nothing gets in the way of her career. No doubt about that.

- You must be well pleased. - Yeah.

— She's an achiever. - Yeah.

— She's a bit like me in many ways. - Yeah, I suppose so.

I've always been an achiever.

I've never achieved nothing, but I've always been in with a shout.

You know, this... This reminds me of the time me and Jumbo Mills

set up a seafood stall outside the Nags Head.

"Eels on Wheels" we called it.

We were going to build empires.

Every pub in London was going to have a seafood stall outside called Eels on Wheels.

—Do you know what I said to him? - This time next year we'll be millionaires.

I said: "This time next year we'll be millionaires."

We could have been, Rodney. We could have been.

Do you know what killed off Eels on Wheels? It was television.

— What, the Cook report? — No, no.

— Television humanised fish. — What are you going on about?

They started to make fish human.

First it was that shark thing, Flipper. He had more GCE's than you.

Then there was Squiddly Diddly, the octopus who used to play the drums.

There was Michael Fish.

- That put you out of business? —Yes, it's true, I'm telling you.

Mothers came round complaining that their kids refused to eat our fish fingers

in case they was related to The Man from Atlantis.

And that report from the council health inspector didn't help none either.

I could have made it though, bruv.

Could have.

You will, Del. You will

- Never stop believing, eh bruv? — Never stop believing.

Come on, Andy. Time to go home.

— Are we all here, Del? — Rodney's just reporting in to headquarters.

- Hi, Cass. It's me. — Roddy! I've been waiting for your call all day.

~ Have you? Be

we're fine. We're at the coach park, we'll be off in a couple of minutes.

You won't tell my governor what happened, will you, Del?

I'll get the bullet if he finds out.

Leave it out! What sort of bloke do you think I am?

I had one glass of lemonade in that pub. I don't know what happened.

I felt strange. It was as if I'd been overcome by fumes or something.

Whatever it was, it's lucky we had Denzil about, eh?

Don't I know it. He's a good bloke.

Good bloke? He's one of the best. One of the very best.

- Del! — What does that dipstick want now?

— There's smoke coming from the radio. - You must have pushed the wrong button.

Oh look, I'll come and sort it out.

— So how's your day been? — Usual sort of thing.

— Stephen phoned this moming. — Did he?

He found that holiday brochure he's been talking about.

Mummy came round for lunch, and the Kent Police called to confirm your address.

That was nice of them, wasn't it?

- It's not supposed to do that, is it? - No.

It wasn't in the brochure at least.

Boycie! Boycie, come here a minute.

Yes, what is it?

You see, Del said: "Give me the ball"

- I might have guessed Del would be behind it. - No, he didn't mean to get me into trouble.

He never does, does he, but every time Del's around you get into trouble.

Not every time.

— What are we supposed to do? - I'd switch it off, if I were you.

The main petrol line runs right underneath there.

(LOUD BANG)

— Gordon Bennett! — We've got to do something!

— Someone get some water! — Good idea. We need loads of water.

Isn't this coach fitted with a fire distinguisher?

Abandon ship! Get off there!

What about when he entered one of your paintings in a competition and you won,

in the under—15 category.

Yes, I do seem to recollect it, but...

And I spent a week in Mallorca posing as your common-law stepmother.

Come on, everybody! Hurry up! Look Lively.

Alright! Look, I agree that Del gets a bit out of hand,

but it's unfair to say that everything he touches goes wrong!

(EXPLOSION)

Cass, are you still there?

Our coach just blew up.

Don't worry, Harry. I won't tell your governor about it.

I don't believe it! There's only a bloody train strike.

— My son gets christened in three weeks. — What about my café?

— I've got a pub to run. — I was supposed to meet a bird.

— And I lost my dolphi — Just shut up! "

What about the Green Line? There's a bus—stop over there.

Good idea, Denzil!

There you are, look. The next bus to London is at twenty hundred hours.

What does that mean, Rodney?

— Eight o'clock... A half hour wait. — That's not too bad.

Wait a minute, that's the normal schedule. Look here.

Bank holidays, Christmas, last bus goes at 19.20. We missed it by ten minutes.

— So when is the next one? —Ten past eight tomorrow morning.

— We could hitch—hike. — What, 27 of us?

- I remember once just after the war. — Don't start, Unc.

We've had enough of your stupid stories for one day, Albert.

He's a war hero, he's got a right to speak.

- I fought for free speech. - Shut up!

why does he keep saying stupid things, then?

Keep on, and my hand is goi ; ng to have with your ear hole! a vord

Let's all have a punch—up in the middle of the street, that'd put the cherry on the cake.

- It's the last time I go on a beano with you. — And it's the last time I invite you.

Calm down, calm down! You'll get nowhere arguing.

Let's look at the facts. What we've got is Hobson's Choice.

Can't get a train, the last bus has gone, our own vehicle is somewhat out of action.

The coach company will send a replacement vehicle tomorrow moming at 9 a.m.

So what are you saying?

We're going to have to spend the night here. It's only for one day.

You're forgetting it's a bank holiday. This town is full of holiday—makers.

— Where are we going to find a room? — There's bound to be a couple vacant.

Yes, but there's 27 of us.

Er... Me and Mickey are going to take a walk on the sea front.

Yeah, well, we feel like... You know, stretching our legs.

I quite fancy taking the night air. How about you, Michael?

(RODNEY): We've been here already, haven't we?

(ALBERT): We've been everywhere. We've walked further than the Jarrow Marchers.

They were out of work and starving and I bet they didn't moan as much as you!

Look at that, I told you something would turn up, didn't I!

Hey? Come on! Lovely jubbly!

If you'd just wait here, please. Mrs Baker!

- Can you smell that? That's roast potatoes. - Yeah, and gravy.

And steak and kidney pie, unless I'm mistaken.

— We've fallen on our feet here, haven't we? — And I am starving.

Ain't he a beautiful cat? And he likes me.

Most probably in love with that beard.

— Good evening, — Good evening. Anyway, look...

we'd like a room, and can chuck in an evening meal and a bit of brekkers.

What a shame. I let the last of my rooms about an hour ago.

You've got a sign in the window saying "vacancies".

Is the sign still there? That silly girl, 1 told her to take it down.

— Excuse me, please. - Helen. You forgot to take the sign down.

I'm sorry, Mrs Baker. I'll just serve dinner, then I'll see to it.

- I'm sorry, gentlemen. — Could we kip in your front room?

- Or on the landing. - Or in the airing cupboard — anywhere.

I'd love to help, but it's the regulations, you see.

Is there anywhere around here we can get a room?

It's difficult. It's a bank holiday, and the rail strike doesn't make things better.

- You could try... No, maybe not. —No, please. Where?

Try Mrs Creswell's.

She's at the Villa Bella, across the square. She's always got vacancies.

we'll go and knock her up then. Thanks very much.

(LAUGHTER)

And the next thing you know — whoosh, up it went!

— Did you see Del Boy's face? — I wish I'd had my video camera with me.

Look who's here, It's the coach busters!

— Are you staying here as well? - No, we're not.

That's a shame, you would have liked it.

— We had a hot bath. - Nice warm room.

And the food's great. You would have really liked it here.

We don't care, cause we've got somewhere even better to go.

- Yeah, that's right. - You're not going to the Villa Bella, are you?

Um... No, we're not, no...

No, no, we're no... We're going down the...

It's a secret.

That's a relief. I was beginning to feel guilty, "cause it's so nice here!

How's your disease, Denzil?

I've not got a disease. It's an ear infection.

Mrs Baker, would you make sure he takes his tablets?

Only the doctors at the clinic for iffy diseases did say it's not contagious.

At least they said they hope it wasn't.

Bon appetite, git!

Gertchyer!

(DEL): Look, there it is. The Villa Bella.

There you are. Don't look too bad.

Not too bad? Look at it! It looks like the Munster's weekend place.

— Come on, Del. Let's find somewhere else. — Oh Rodney, where?

We've been everywhere in the town.

And it's going to start chucking it down again and we're going to get soaked and frozen.

This is our last chance. You never know, it might be rather nice inside.

- I'm game. — That's the spirit, Uncle.

He who dares wins. Go on, go and ring the bell

Go and ring the bell. Hurry up!

Yes?

— Are you Mrs Creswell? - Yes.

Mrs Baker, she recommended us to you. Said you might have a room for the night.

Come in.

— Are you Bella? No!

Bella died ten years ago.

1 hope they buried her.

- It's cold, innit? — That's the weather.

Is it? I don't know, I'm a stranger around here.

I've got a three—bedded room vacant.

It's 10 pounds each, and that includes a traditional English breakfast.

Oh well.. That sounds just the ticket, Mrs Creswell

That'll be 30 pounds in advance. Sign the book.

Inga, show these gentlemen up to the blue room.

Can't you see I'm serving dinner? I've only got the one pair of hands.

— Show them up after you've served dinner. - You do everything your bloody self here!

- I'm training her. — She's coming on a bundle, isn't she.

The front door is locked at 11 p.m. and not opened again until 9 a.m.

Mrs Creswell, thank you.

Come on, it's up here.

Would you ever come on!

(ALBERT): — Move over a bit. (RODNEY): — You've got most of the bed!

(ALBERT): You're pulling the covers off me!

(DEL): Leave it out, you two! You going to carry on like this all night?

- Tell him to stop pulling the covers off me! — Rodney, stop pulling the covers off Albert.

- Tell him to get over on his side of the bed. — Albert, get over on your side of the bed.

This is like spending a weekend with Zippy and Bungle!

God knows what Cassandra would say if she was here.

She'd probably say: "Roddy, what's your uncle doing in bed with us?"

It's alright for you, Derek. This is my first night away from Cassandra for a whole year.

I bet she weren't half glad.

— What's that supposed to mean? — Do you carry on like this in bed with her?

— Of course not! — So why do you give me all this aggro?

There's a big difference between sleeping with Cassandra and kipping with you.

Like what?

Alright, like she smells nice.

Like she wears...things.

Oi, oi, oi! Whoa back! Whoa back!

And she doesn't have a dopey white beard that tickles me.

(THUMPING ON THE WALL) See, you've woken somebody up now.

Rodney, look, come on. It's only quarter past ten.

Let's whip down to the Mardi Gras, eh? Have a couple of jars, scampi supper.

I promised Cassandra I wouldn't go out, and I intend to keep that promise.

Do you reckon she believed you?

~ About what? — When you said you wouldn't go out.

— Of course she believed me! why? - Nothing.

Uncle, you're not suggesting that if Cassandra thought that Rodney was going out on a razzle,

she would go out on a razzle as well, are you?

You mean what's good for the goose is good for the gander?

No.

Cassandra wouldn't have gone out.

— How do you know that? — Because I haven't gone out.

— But how does she know that? — Beca...

She just does, right. Our marriage is based on trust.

Yeah, he's right. Cassandra wouldn't go out enjoying herself.

- Thank you! — She won't have to, she got the flat to herself.

So what?

(DEL): I just meant, if she felt a bit lonely...

..she could invite someone round.

(ALBERT): Yeah, like that couple at your anniversary — Stephen and his wife.

— What's wrong with that? - Nothing. It'll be company for Cassandra.

— She seemed to get on well with Stephen. - Oh...!

Of course they get on well They work together at the bank.

He is a colleague.

In fact he's more than a colleague, he's on top...

He's her immediate superior.

She couldn't have invited them. Stephen's wife's gone away for the weekend.

(DEL): Oh yeah...

If that Stephen's been round my flat, I'LL kill him.

What put that idea in your head?

1 don't know, it's just something that's been bugging me.

Do you want to pop out for a drink and sort of talk about it?

Yeah, it might make you feel better, Rodney.

Yeah, I suppose I could manage a...

This is a conspiracy, innit? You two are in league with each other, ain't you?

You want me to come to the nightclub, and you want the bed to yourself.

It's not going to work. I promised Cassandra I wouldn't go out, and I'm not going out.

Alright, keep your hair on! We was only geeing you up, we didn't mean any harm.

Alright. Well let's just shut up about it and get some sleep.

— Could do with an extra blanket. It's freezing. - It is a bit cold, innit?

Cold? You bits of kids don't know the meaning of the word.

You should have been with me on the Russian convoys.

One night it was so cold the flame on my lighter froze.

Come on then, just one quick light ale.

Where have I seen that bird before?

It's that sort, what's—her—name? The one you went out with for a while, Del.

— It's Raquel, the strippergram! - No, it's not.

It is, Del. Look at the board.

"The Great Ramondo and Raquel."

It is her!

Psst!

Psst!

Raquel!

Del!

Alright?

Ha! Bloody clever that, innit? Marvellous!

1 got back to England six months ago. I wasn't sure what to do with myself.

I haven't got any family, except a brother in Milton Keynes, but we haven't spoken for years.

So I saw my agent, and she tied me in with Ray.

— Ray? - The great Ramondo.

He was working in a holiday camp in Devon.

His last assistant had walked out on him. well, he's a bit of a pig.

Then we got a three month contract here.

It's not much, but it's a job. Keeps a roof over my head.

I didn't mean to let you down.

I was on my way round to you when I was unexpectedly arrested.

I know, it's alright. You've already explained.

— Why didn't you write to me? — write to you?

I thought you'd dumped me.

I've got pride.

I've never written to the other blokes that dumped me. I wasn't starting with you.

— Do you want another drink? - No, I'm back on stage in a little while.

There's been no one else.

I mean, since we split up. I haven't... I've not been interested.

No, no, nor me.

- No, no, honest. - Yeah, alright. I believe you.

What are you going to do when this contract's finished?

I'm leaving the act. I can't stand Ray anymore.

He's got a temper. Sometimes he frightens me.

— Don't know where I'll go. — Peckham's nice this time of year.

- sit? - I know a lovely flat you could stay at.

Well... Maybe I'll try Peckham then.

Thanks.

Raquel...

- Can I have your a ray

- No, I mean it, straight. Honest. - I've never given an autograph.

It's easy.

All you got to do is just write your name.

And your address.

And your telephone number.

— Get your pigeons back alright? - Yes, I did.

Raquel, I don't know what the hell you were playing at, but don't ever let it happen again.

- I'm sorry, I was distracted. ~ Professionals don't get distracted.

Get your act together or find somewhere else. There's plenty more where you came from.

— We're on in ten minutes. — Alright, Ray. I'm coming.

— Do you want me to wack him for you? Hey?! — Del, please! Stay out of it.

My contract hasn't long to run, so I want to keep him sweet.

Besides, he's right. It was unprofessional of me.

- I'll see you then. - Yeah.

— Have you still got my address? - Yeah.

Yeah, well, you know. You can... write to me or phone me, if you like.

- You won't forget, will you? - I'll never forget you, Del

(DEL): — The most beautiful sound I ever heard! (RODNEY): — Keep your voice down.

People are trying to sleep.

She's lovely though, isn't she, Rodney?

Yes, she's lovely. Now shut up.

— It's locked! - It's what?

She said she locks it at eleven. What time is it now?

Twenty to two. We'll just have to ring the bell

You can't ring the bell You'll get Mrs Creswell out of her coffin.

What are we going to do then? We can't hang round here till the morning, can we?

If you wake her up, she'll sink her teeth into our necks before we can say "wooden stake".

- You're frightened of her, ain't you? - Yes.

- I'm not. - You ring the bell I'm hiding behind the wall

Alright, maybe there's another way out of this.

- That's our room, innit? That one? - Yeah, I think so.

Albert!

Albert!

Abandon ship!

— Throw something up at the window. — Alright.

(THE WINDOW BREAKS)

~ You wa 1 lly! Look what you've ♪ gone and done.

- You told me to throw something. - I meant a pebble, not a paving stone!

(INGA): — A window has been smashed! - I heard! Phone the police Inga!

That's all I need, innit? I'm going to be nicked twice in one day.

Look alive, Rodney. Just get out of here. Come on, let's get out.

(BUZZER)

_ = Hello? Raquel? It's Del Boy.

Del? What do you want? It's two in the moming.

Sorry to disturb you, sweetheart, but Rodney's got us into a bit of trouble.

— I didn't get us into this. — It was your bright idea, wasn't it?

~ You chucked the bloody thing! — But you said...

Look, look, look, wait! What's wrong?

We've been locked out, so we were wondering if you could put us up till the morning.

It's a bit awkward, Del

Raquel, it's freezing. We've bumped into a brass monkey crying his eyes out

Alright then. Push the door and come up.

Good girl You know it makes sense.

(BUZZER)

Hello. That's better. It's tata's out there.

— Sorry about this, Raquel — That's okay. So what happened?

The old girl where we're staying, she locks her door at eleven.

We didn't leave your nightclub till gone one, did we.

An armchair and a settee is the best I can offer you.

No, no, that's... That's lovely. Thanks, Raquel

That'lL be lovely, Raquel

we'll be away first thing in the moming, the coach arrives at nine o'clock.

You can't give us something to warm the old cockles, can you?

Yeah, okay. I'll make you a coffee.

Oh yeah, cushty, cushty.

She's a blinding bird, isn't she?

She's terrific.

— She's got a radiant smile, have you noticed? — What, her radiant smile?

You can't miss it, can you?

When she walks in, she lights up a room.

Yeah. Most of your birds walk in and light up a fag.

Yeah...

She's straight as a die, you know. She don't mess around with other blokes.

— Are you saying Cassandra does? - No! I've got nothing against the girl

That's alright then, "cause if I thought you... Sorry.

You're a touchy little git sometimes!

AllI was saying was, that since Raquel met me she hasn't been out with other blokes.

She only met you two hours ago.

I don't mean this time, I mean the first time.

Oh, right.

She has been true unto me.

Raquel, what's all the noise?

The great Ramondo?!

— What are you doing here? — What am I doing here?!

We were locked out and Raquel said we could spend the night, but we're going soon.

Did she? We'll see about that.

Raquel! why do you let stra i d ngers in the flat without asking me?

- I'm going to kill him! — Stay calm, Derek.

It's going to take a good surgeon three or four hours to get his magic wand back!

0i, oi, oi, oi, oi! Now come on, calm down.

— I want to know what the hell is going on. - Sit down.

- I'm not having any magician... — Sit down!

There's probably a perfectly simple explanation to this.

— Like what? — How the hell should I know?

There's a simple explanation. Ramondo is a bully boy, Raquel told me.

He's got her trapped here.

If she don't play ball with him she loses her job and her home.

That's blackmail, and I don't like that sort of thing. I'm going to sort it out.

Oi! Oi! You're not certain of anything, don't jump to conclusions.

For all you know, them two might be... well, you know.

What?!

Well... I don't know.

Look, just find out what the situation is first, right?

Nice and easy, Del Right? Nice and easy.

Alright. Alright, Rodney, I'm just going to go in there...

..and ask a few questions, and that's all

And what happens if you don't like the answers?

That's life, innit, eh?

Just... I'll know where I stand then, won't I, eh?

Excuse me, I'm terribly sorry to bother you.

I wondered if we could have a chat, come to an understanding.

(LOUD THUMP)

That's alright, Del. Nice and easy.

Now do you understand what I'm trying to say?

~ why the hell did you do that? - It's alright, Raquel.

You don't have to be frightened of the Great Ramondo no more — Del Boy's here.

(WHISTLES WESTERN THEME)

— Rodney... —Aw!

Right! Ramondo — or can I just call you Great, eh?

Do you understand what I've been subtly trying to indicate?

You are out, pal! Your lease has expired.

This is nature's way of telling you to get your arse down the road a piece!

— Why don't you explain to him? - He hasn't given me the chance.

- Warn him, I was in the Territorials. — That's not going to cut a lot of ice with him.

There's your coat. There's your case.

And there's the door. Or would you prefer to take the more direct route?

— Can I just say something? - Yes.

You can say something. Make it quick and make it polite, there's a lady present.

— There's nothing going on between us. - Nothing going on?

A fella and a bird sharing a flat, and there's nothing going on?!

I assure you, it's the truth. You see, I'm... I'm...

— Raquel is not my type. — What do you mean, not your type?

You could do a lot worse than that.

This is Ray's room.

This is my bedroom.

Do you see what Ray's saying?

If I was the last woman on God's earth I still wouldn't be his type.

Take your time, Del

It's purely a financial situation, it's cheaper than us paying for separate flats.

Oh, you mean you're...

- Yes. — Well, why didn't you say?

It's not the sort of thing one drops into an introduction.

I'm terribly sorry!

No need. Over and done with.

— Well, you see... I didn't know. - You didn't ask, did you?

No, you see, I thought... Well, I thought... You see, I thought... I... Didn't I, Rodney?

Yeah, he did.

Oh dear, I do believe I may have dropped your suitcase out of the window.

I'll fetch it. I could do with the air.

You see, I'm... You see, I thought...

No, Del, you didn't think. You never think.

You don't look, you don't listen, you don't see the signs. You go at it like a mad bull

- 1 only did it for you. — That doesn't make me feel any better.

They might publish your diaries one day. That could be a winner.

I don't believe you sometimes. why did you do that?

He who dares wins. I've always been the same.

This time he who dares cocked it right up.

Thank you.

1 know you did it for me, but you were stupid and embarrassing.

Thank you.

Magic!

(RODNEY): Right then, I'll see you all

(TRIGGER): See you, Dave.

Oi! Oi! Rodders!

Rodney! Come here a minute.

You are master of your own flat.

Yeah, okay...

You're a man. Don't need rules, no collars and lead.

Alright, Del.

You're going to go in there and put your foot down with a firm hand.

Let her know where she stands. Alright?

You've just got to sort it out, alright? Just, you know, sort it out.

I'll see you then. Ta—ta.

Cass?

Oh...

I didn't expect you back this early.

No, well... Here I am. Cass, can we have a talk?

I don't think this is an appropriate time, Roddy. Maybe later.

I really think we ought to sit down and discuss...

Hi! How does it go?

— What are you doing here? — I was just passing.

So how was Margate?

Forget Margate. What are you doing in my flat?

Hey, back off, Rod. I mean, what's the problem?

— Roddy, what's wrong? - I'L tell you the problem, shall I?

There's something I've wanted to do for a long time, but I've never got round to it.

Let me run this past you, Stephen. Try and get your head round this.

~ Rodi - Now ih you know where I'm coming from, buddy.

What have you done you done to Stephen?

He punched me on the nose.

What's she doing here? I thought she was going away to her parents.

She was, but there was a rail strike. Joanne brought this holiday brochure for us.

Do you see anything in it you like?

Hello, sweetheart! How are you today?

Good. How's the Great Ramondo?

Oh... Well, I'm sure in his heart of hearts he understood.

We've been back about an hour.

No, everyone's alright.

We dropped Rodney off at his house.

Cassandra? No, she'll be alright. She'll be as good as gold.

Rodney's a bit of a charmer on the quiet.

Na, he knows how to handle situations.

Yes, I know. Sometimes I wish I was a bit more like him as well

Old Albert, he's feeling much better now.

Didn't you hear? He got a wack on the head.

1 dunno. I dunno.

The strangest thing, he was lying in bed last night...

when all of a sudden a rock came flying through the window.

And it caught him a glancing blow on the head.

I dunno, it's a mystery.

It's no mystery to me. Bloody yobbos done it. They should be locked up.

That's right, Unc.

Tell her what happened to Boycie and Mike when they walked home from the night—club.

What was that?

Someone chucked a suitcase through a window.

Caught Mike right on the shoulder.

Fortunately Boycie's head broke its fall.

It's a terrible old world, isn't it, sweetheart?

Listen, Raquel. You have forgiven me now, haven't you, sweetheart.

Good, you know it makes sense.

Listen, I was thinking about taking the van out for a test drive next Saturday.

I'm fitting a new radio.

I might go down to Margate. I wouldn't be in a hurry to get home.

I was just wondering if you could get the Great Ramondo to do a disappearing act.

Oh, cushty!

That's great, alright darling.

See you next Saturday, sweetheart.

Alright, bye for now. Lovely jubbly!

Oi! what's your game? If you want a cup of tea, go and make one, lazy old sod.

Alright, bruv? Sort it all out?