Original subtitles

WILL?

WHAT IS IT, PA?

COME OUT HERE.

LISTEN.

YOUR EARS ARE BETTER THAN MINE.

SOMEBODY'S COMIN'.

I DON'T HEAR NOTHIN'.

TURN OFF THAT WHATCHAMACALLIT.

THE RADIO.

I KNOW WHAT YOU CALL IT. TURN IT OFF!

FIRST, I HEARD ONE OF THEM CARS.

THEN IT STOPPED.

AND NOW SOMEBODY'S COMIN' DOWN THE HILL.

YOU HEAR?

YOU ALL STAY RIGHT HERE. IF I CALL, COME A-RUNNIN'.

PA, THAT AIN'T NO WAY TO WELCOME FOLKS.

MAYBE IT'S KIN.

KIN DON'T COME IN NO CARS.

SEE IF YOU CAN WAKE UP THAT OLD HOUND DOG.

HEY, BLUE? COME ON, BLUE.

I GOT A BIG, OLD CATFISH HEAD FOR YOU.

COME ON, BLUE.

I NEVER SEEN SUCH A THING IN MY WHOLE LIFE.

STUCK UP ALL OVER HERE AND EVERYTHING.

ARE YOU WILL STOCKDALE?

HOWDY!

THREE DANG TIMES THIS MONTH I'VE BEEN OUT HERE --

DON'T YOU POINT YOUR FINGER IN MY BOY'S FACE!

ARE YOU THREATENING ME WITH A FIREARM?

I'M A GOVERNMENT REPRESENTATIVE ON GOVERNMENT BUSINESS.

BUSTIN' UP HERE WITHOUT SAYIN' "HOWDY" OR NOTHIN' --

WHAT GOVERNMENT?

U.S. GOVERNMENT -- THE DRAFT BOARD.

THIS HERE BOY'S BEEN CALLED FOR THE DRAFT,

AND HE AIN'T NEVER REPORTED.

HE'S A DRAFT DODGER.

HOLD IN THAT FINGER, SIR. I'M WARNING YOU!

HOLD IN THAT FINGER.

HE COULD GO TO JAIL FOR THAT.

HE'S IN TODAY'S GROUP.

AND THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE.

IF YOU DON'T LEAVE WITH THAT GROUP AT 12:00 A.M.,

YOU'RE GOING TO BE IN...

MORE TROUBLE THAN YOU EVER DID SEE.

YOU ALREADY GOT ONE OFFENSE AGAINST YOU --

NOT ANSWERING MY LETTERS.

I NEVER GOT NO LETTERS.

OH, DON'T TELL ME YOU CAN'T READ,

BECAUSE YOU COULD HAVE GOT SOMEBODY TO READ THEM TO YOU.

YOU MEAN TO STAND THERE AND TELL ME TO MY FACE

MY BOY CAN'T READ?

DO YOU THINK MY BOY,

WHO HAS GONE TO SCHOOL AND WHO HAS READ

MORE TIMES THAN YOU COULD SHAKE A STICK AT,

COULDN'T READ A PUNY, LITTLE, OL' LETTER IF HE WANTED TO?

BY DOG, SIR!

I NEVER GOT NO LETTERS.

I DON'T THINK I CAN STAND TO LISTEN TO ANY MORE OF THIS.

GET THAT BOOK!

NO, SIR, WHAT YOU THINK DON'T MEAN NOTHIN' TO ME,

BUT WE ARE GOING TO SETTLE THIS HERE QUESTION

RIGHT HERE AND NOW,

AND NOT HAVE NO MORE FOOLISHNESS ABOUT IT.

READ AT HIM!

ONCE THERE WAS A BOY NAMED TONY

WHO WANTED A PONY.

SO HE WENT TO HIS MAMA AND SAID, "MAY I HAVE A PONY?"

AND HIS MAMA SAYS...

"NO, TONY, YOU MAY NOT HAVE A PONY."

GO ON.

SO HE WENT TO HIS PAPA AND SAID,

"PAPA, MAY I HAVE A PONY?"

AND HIS PAPA SAYS, "NO, TONY, YOU MAY NOT HAVE...

A PONY."

END OF THE BOOK HE GETS THE PONY ANYHOW.

NOW THAT WE HAVE SETTLED IF'N OR NOT MY BOY CAN READ,

YOU BEST BE GETTIN' OFF MY PROPERTY

AND BACK IN THAT CAR OF YOURS AND OUT OF RANGE IN --

PA, BE CHRISTIAN TO HIM.

CHRISTIAN?

YOU KNOW WHAT THE LORD WOULD HAVE DONE

IF A MAN COME ALL HOT AND STOMPING ONTO HIS PROPERTY

WITHOUT SAYING "HOWDY" OR NOTHIN',

SCARIN' HIS CHICKENS, AND SAYIN' FOLKS CAN'T READ?

SIR, WOULD IT BE ALL RIGHT

IF ME AND PA SPEAK PRIVATELIKE?

OKAY, BUT MAKE IT SHORT.

THANK YOU, SIR.

COME ON, PA.

AND DON'T TRY ANY FUNNY BUSINESS

'CAUSE I AIN'T ALONE HERE!

SET YOURSELF, PA.

NOW LISTEN, PA.

I DON'T THINK THIS HERE DRAFT'S SUCH A BAD IDEA.

I MEAN, I'D KIND OF LIKE TO GO.

THERE'S A WHOLE LOT OF FELLAS THERE,

AND THEY ALL MARCH ALONG RIGHT SNAPPYLIKE.

YOU LISTEN TO ME, BOY.

GOING IN THE DRAFT DON'T MEAN JUST GOING INTO TOWN.

IT MEANS MACON, AND ATLANTA, AND STILL FURTHER.

I BEEN TO ATLANTA. YOU KNOW THAT.

WHEN I WAS NO OLDER THAN YOU.

I TOLD YOU HOW THEM FOLKS LAUGHED AT ME

AND CALLED ME SMART NAMES.

YOU DON'T WANT THAT, BOY.

PA, NOW AIN'T THE SAME AS IT WAS THEN.

DOGGED IF IT AIN'T.

BUT THEY WANT ME.

THEY EVEN SENT A FELLA TO COME AND FETCH ME, DIDN'T THEY?

AND THAT AIN'T ALL.

LAST SPRING, I SEEN A SIGN ON THE SIDEWALK

DOWN THERE IN TOWN.

THIS GREAT, BIG, OLD PICTURE OF UNCLE SAM.

AND "UNCLE SAM WANTS YOU," HE'S A-SAYIN'.

JUST LIKE THIS FELLA HERE, PA,

POINTIN' HIS FINGER RIGHT STRAIGHT IN MY FACE.

AND DON'T YOU THINK A SOLDIER FELLA

COME UP TO ME RIGHT THEN AND THERE

INVITIN' ME TO COME ALONG WITH ALL THE OTHER FELLAS?

I TOLD HIM HOW YOU WAS AILING THEN,

AND WOULD HE KINDLY WAIT AWHILE?

YOU BEEN TEARING UP THEM LETTERS, AIN'T YOU, PA?

AND YOU AIN'T AILING NO MORE.

HEY, ARE YOU COMIN' OR DO I HAVE TO --

I'M JUST FIXIN' TO GET ME MY SHOES.

YOU'VE GOT TO KNOW THIS. HE'S A GOOD BOY.

IT'S MY BLAME HE DIDN'T COME WHEN HE SHOULD HAVE.

I DON'T CARE, MISTER. WE GOT HIM NOW.

REMEMBER, PA?

I GOT THESE HERE FOR AUNT TUZIE'S FUNERAL.

AIN'T IT NICE I'M FINALLY GETTING A CHANCE

TO WEAR THEM AGAIN?

APPEARS THEY LIKE TO HAVE SHRUNK A LITTLE.

THEY'LL PUT SHOES ON YOU IN THE ARMY.

THEY AIN'T GONNA WAIT FOR YOU TO PUT THEM ON.

LISTEN, DRAFTMAN, YOU TELL THEM FOLKS

TO BE NICE TO MY BOY, YOU HEAR?

IF THEY AIN'T, I'LL --

I-I'M READY.

SAY GOODBYE TO BLUE FOR ME WHEN HE WAKES UP, WILL YOU?

I WILL.

WRITE TO ME REGULAR, YOU HEAR?

SURE, PA.

PRINT BIG!

I WILL.

REMEMBER, DRAFTMAN, WHAT I SAID.

IF THEY AIN'T GOOD TO MY BOY --

YEAH, I REMEMBER.

COME ON, BOY, WE GOTTA GO.

BYE, PA.

BYE, WILL.

ALL RIGHT, FILL IT OUT.

LAST NAME -- FIRST,

FIRST NAME, MIDDLE NAME -- LAST.

FILL IT OUT.

ALL RIGHT, FILL IT OUT.

LAST NAME -- FIRST,

FIRST NAME, MIDDLE NAME -- LAST.

FILL THEM OUT.

ALL RIGHT, FILL IT OUT.

LAST NAME -- FIRST,

FIRST NAME, MIDDLE NAME -- LAST.

FILL IT OUT. FILL IT OUT.

LAST NAME -- FIRST,

FIRST NAME, MIDDLE NAME -- LAST.

FILL IT OUT.

ROSABELLE LOU, HONEST NOW,

YOU SURE YOU GONNA MISS ME?

WHY, STANTON, HONEY,

Y'ALL KNOW YOUR LITTLE ROSABELLE'S

JUST GONNA DIE OF LONELINESS.

OH, HONEY, BABY DOLL.

ALL RIGHT, FILL IT OUT.

LAST NAME -- FIRST,

FIRST NAME, MIDDLE NAME -- LAST.

FILL IT OUT.

LAST NAME -- FIRST,

FIRST NAME, MIDDLE NAME -- LAST.

HEY, YOU! THIS THE GROUP GOING TO THE AIR FORCE?

THAT'S WHERE I'M DRIVING THE BUS TO.

YOU WANT A RESERVED SEAT?

SAVE THE JOKES FOR THE PLOWBOYS.

FILL IT OUT.

LAST NAME -- FIRST,

FIRST NAME, MIDDLE NAME -- LAST.

I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW.

HEY, LOOK! THEY'RE BRINGIN' A FELLA IN BRACELETS.

FINALLY LATCHED ONTO HIM, HUH, MR. McKINNEY?

DID HE GIVE YOU ANY TROUBLE?

AIN'T NO DRAFT DODGER GONNA GIVE ME ANY TROUBLE.

HAD TO BORROW THE SHERIFF'S HANDCUFFS.

I GUESS THAT WILL HOLD YOU TILL I GET YOU ON THAT BUS.

BUT MR. McKINNEY, I AIN'T DODGIN' NOTHIN'.

SHUT UP! LET ME HAVE IT.

FILL IT OUT.

LAST NAME -- FIRST,

FIRST NAME, MIDDLE NAME -- LAST.

LEAN ON THE PUMP.

LAST NAME -- FIRST.

FIRST NAME, MIDDLE NAME -- LAST!

ALL RIGHT, ANY YOU BOYS HAD ANY R.O.T.C.?

I DID. CLOSE TO A YEAR.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

BLANCHARD, IRVIN S.

IRVIN?

OKAY, IRVIN, I'M SETTIN' YOU IN CHARGE OF THIS HERE GROUP.

NOW, WHEN YOU GET TO YOUR CLASSIFICATION CENTER,

GIVE THESE FORMS TO THE SERGEANT IN YOUR BARRACKS.

WHAT ABOUT HIM?

KEEP THEM CUFFS ON HIM, AND HERE ARE THE KEYS.

NOW, IT TOOK ME THREE MONTHS

TO FLUSH HIM OUT OF THEM HILLS.

SO SEE THAT HE DON'T GET AWAY!

COME ON IN MY OFFICE, DAVE, AND I'LL GIVE YOU YOUR MONEY.

YOU HEAR WHAT HE SAID, PLOWBOY?

I DON'T WANT ANY TROUBLE, YOU UNDERSTAND?

ME NEITHER, IRVIN.

MY NAME'S BLANCHARD TO YOU.

IT'S A REAL PLEASURE.

YOU GETTIN' SMART WITH ME, PLOWBOY?

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ONE PEEP OUT OF YOU.

NOT ONE PEEP!

ALL RIGHT, BOYS, I AIN'T HAD MY MORNING COFFEE,

SO I AIN'T GONNA WAIT AROUND TO SEE YOU OFF.

NOW, IRVIN HERE IS IN CHARGE.

CALLVILLE IS PROUD OF HER SONS IN UNIFORM,

SO SHOW THEM WHAT KIND OF MEN WE RAISE DOWN HERE.

AND BE GOOD.

AND IF YOU CAN'T BE GOOD, BE CAREFUL.

HA! HA! HA!

ROSABELLE!!

PA!

GET ON HOME!

YES, PA.

I TOLD YOU TO STAY HOME THIS TIME!

DAG IT!

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT

INTO THE BUS WHEN I CALL YOUR NAME.

DEROY, RICHARD S.

HERE.

FARNUM, ROBERT E.

HERE.

HOOPER, JUNIOR C.

HERE!

LEMON, HENRY P.

HERE.

STOCKDALE, WILL.

UH...HERE.

I'LL GET AROUND TO YOU.

SWINBURNE, ARMAND A.

HERE.

WHITLEDGE, BENJAMIN B.

WHITLEDGE, BENJAMIN B.

WHITLEDGE, HERE.

IS MR. McKINNEY HERE?

WHO?

MR. McKINNEY. THE MAN ON THE DRAFT BOARD.

I GOT A LETTER FOR HIM.

TAKE IT EASY, SONNY. YOU JUST MISSED HIM.

OH, I GOT TO FIND HIM. I GOT A LETTER FOR HIM.

YEAH, WELL, HE LEFT ME IN CHARGE.

HEY, GIVE ME THAT. THAT'S A PRIVATE LETTER.

IT'S OFFICIAL BUSINESS FOR MR. McKINNEY.

GIVE IT BACK!

DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND ENGLISH?

I'M IN CHARGE!

HERE, FILL OUT THAT FORM.

THAT'S A PRIVATE LETTER, YOU BIG --

HEY, DON'T GET SORE AT IRVIN, FELLA.

HE'S HAD R.O.T.C.

THAT DOESN'T GIVE HIM THE RIGHT TO PUSH ME AROUND.

HEY, YOU PUT YOUR LAST NAME -- FIRST,

AND THEN YOUR FIRST NAME, AND -- LIKE THIS.

"STOCKDALE, WILL, WILL STOCKDALE..."

STOCKDALE? ALL YOU NEED IS ONE OF EACH.

IS THAT ALL?

WISE GUY.

MUCH OBLIGED.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

OH, THEY THINK I'M A DRAFT DODGER.

BUT I AIN'T!

HERE, GIVE ME.

YOU CAN'T WRITE GOOD WITH HANDCUFFS.

THANKS!

CAN'T WRITE MUCH GOOD WITHOUT THEM.

"EVER HAD MEASLES?"

NO.

"THE MUMPS?"

NO.

"CHICKEN POX?"

NO.

"ANY OTHER COMM"

I RECKON NOT.

YOU FIGURE THEY'RE GONNA MAKE ME GO BACK HOME?

"EVER BREAK ANY BONES?"

I BROKE A LEG BONE ONCE.

WHICH LEG?

THE RI-- NO, IT WAS THE LEFT.

YEAH, LEFT.

"ANY MEMBER OF YOUR FAMILY BELONG TO GROUPS

"PLANNING TO OVERTHROW THE GOVERNMENT

BY UNCONSTITUTIONAL MEANS?"

NO, WE'RE PRETTY SATISFIED.

HE STILL LIMPS A MITE.

WHO DOES?

THAT FELLA WHOSE LEG BONE I BROKE.

HE HIT ME FIRST.

"YOU EVER HAVE R.O.T.C.?"

NO.

HEY, IRVIN HAD IT! CLOSE TO A YEAR.

HE'S SO JUMPY AND ALL,

I FIGURE HE'S STILL GOT A TOUCH OF IT IN HIM.

LISTEN, STOCKDALE, R.O.T.C. --

WILL'S MY NAME.

WILL, LISTEN, R.O.T.C. AIN'T --

WHAT WAS YOURS AGAIN?

BEN. BEN WHITLEDGE.

HOWDY!

HI.

R.O.T.C. AIN'T A DISEASE. IT'S TRAINING.

RESERVE OFFICER TRAINING CORPORATION.

HUH. IS THAT THE TRUTH?

OH, SURE. THERE'S DIFFERENT KINDS.

THERE'S CAVALRY R.O.T.C., ARTILLERY R.O.T.C.,

INFANTRY R.O.T.C. -- INFANTRY'S THE BEST.

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I ALWAYS THOUGHT.

BEN...IRVIN AIN'T SICK?

NAH.

AND HE DON'T RANK NO HIGHER THAN WE DO, NEITHER,

'CAUSE R.O.T.C. DON'T MEAN NOTHIN'

UNLESS YOU FINISH THE COURSE.

HEY, GET THIS.

"SO I BEG OF YOU, MR. McKINNEY,

"PLEASE GET MY ENCLOSED LETTER

TO THE COMMANDING OFFICER IN THE AIR FORCE."

HEY, YOU CAN'T READ THAT!

"SO THAT MY SON, BEN, WILL BE PUT IN THE INFANTRY

THE SAME AS HIS SIX BROTHERS BEFORE HIM."

GIVE ME THAT, YOU BIG --

LET GO OF ME!

"ALL OF HIS LIFE, LITTLE BEN HAS BEEN DREAMING

"OF BEING A REAL INFANTRY SOLDIER

LIKE ALL THE MEN IN OUR FAMILY."

LITTLE BEN WANT TO BE A GREAT, BIG SOLDIER?

IRVIN?

THAT LETTER BELONGS TO BEN. NOW, YOU GIVE IT TO HIM.

I TOLD YOU TO KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT, PLOWBOY.

"IT WILL BREAK HIS POOR HEART

"IF HE'S PUT IN THE AIR FORCE

"INSTEAD OF THE INFANTRY

SO HIS BROTHERS WILL BE PROUD OF HIM."

IRVIN, YOU AIN'T SICK LIKE I THOUGHT,

SO YOU GIVE BEN HIS LETTER.

LISTEN, PLOWBOY --

SURE.

I IMAGINE IT'S TIME FOR US TO GET GOIN', AIN'T IT?

SO, I'D THANK YOU IF YOU'D TAKE THESE OFF, IRVIN.

THEY'RE BEGINNING TO CHAFE ME A MITE.

YEAH, YEAH, SURE.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,

LET'S STOP KIDDING AROUND HERE.

CLIMB ABOARD THERE. SNAPPY, NOW!

WHY, SURE, IRVIN.

ALL RIGHT, MOVE ALONG, MOVE ALONG.

SO LONG, BOYS. DON'T TAKE ANY WOODEN NICKELS.

HA! HA! HA!

I APPRECIATE IF YOU'LL WRITE ME

HOW MUCH IT COSTS TO GET IT FIXED, MR. McKINNEY.

BYE!

Will: IT SURE WAS INTERESTING

WHEN WE GOT TO THE CLASSIFICATION CENTER.

THEY TOOK US AROUND FROM ONE BUILDING TO ANOTHER

AND THEY STUCK NEEDLES INTO OUR ARMS,

AND WHOMPED US ON THE KNEES WITH A LITTLE RUBBER HAMMER,

AND MASHED DOWN OUR TONGUES WITH A ICE CREAM STICK.

THEN AFTER A REAL NICE SUPPER --

I NEVER HAD SUCH A FILL OF BEANS IN MY WHOLE LIFE --

WE WAS ALL SITTIN' AROUND THE BARRACKS

IN OUR SNAPPY, NEW UNIFORMS LEARNING HOW TO SALUTE,

EVERYBODY TALKIN' AND JOKIN'

AND FEELIN' THE BACK OF THEIR NECKS --

WHERE THEY HAD THESE HORSE CLIPPERS RUN OVER THEM --

WHEN THIS NICE FELLA,

THIS HERE SERGEANT, COME IN.

PLEASE, LET'S KEEP IT QUIET!

ON BEHALF OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES,

THE SECRETARY OF THE AIR FORCE,

THE COMMANDERS OF THIS BASE AND THIS SQUADRON,

I WANT TO WELCOME YOU GENTLEMEN TO THE UNITED STATES AIR FORCE.

THIS IS A CLASSIFICATION CENTER

WHERE YOU WILL UNDERGO A SERIES OF TESTS

BOTH PHYSICAL AND MENTAL

DESIGNED TO DETERMINE YOUR ABILITIES AND POTENTIALITIES,

SO THAT YOU MAY BE TRAINED FOR THE POSITION

FROM WHICH BOTH YOU AND THE AIR FORCE

WILL DERIVE THE GREATEST BENEFIT.

TESTS ARE FOR YOUR OWN GOOD, SO DO YOUR BEST IN EVERY TEST.

MY NAME IS KING. K-I-N-G. SERGEANT KING.

I'M IN CHARGE OF THE BARRACKS WHERE YOU WILL BE BILLETED

FOR APPROXIMATELY TWO WEEKS.

DURING THAT PERIOD THE BARRACKS WILL BE KEPT SPOTLESSLY CLEAN.

THIS MAY BE A STOPPING-OFF PLACE FOR YOU, BUT FOR ME IT IS HOME.

BEFORE TURNING IN TONIGHT,

EVERY ONE OF YOU WILL WRITE A LETTER TO HIS NEAREST OF KIN

INFORMING THEM THAT YOU HAVE ARRIVED SAFELY

AND ARE IN THE BEST OF HEALTH.

IF ANY PROBLEM SHOULD ARISE,

FEEL FREE TO CONSULT ME ABOUT A SOLUTION.

I AM HERE TO HELP YOU

DURING THESE FIRST DIFFICULT DAYS OF MILITARY SERVICE.

THESE ARE MY QUARTERS...

KNOCK BEFORE ENTERING. IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?

YES, SIR.

ROGER.

WILCO!

SEEMS LIKE A RIGHT-FRIENDLY FELLA.

BE RIGHT BACK.

COME IN.

PRIVATE BLANCHARD DELIVERING FORMS

ON 12 INDUCTEES FROM CALLVILLE AS ORDERED.

KEEP STANDING LIKE THAT, YOU'RE GOING TO PULL A MUSCLE.

JUST PUT THEM DOWN.

NOT ON THE BED, PLEASE.

ANYTHING ELSE?

SERGEANT, I FEEL IT'S MY DUTY

TO TELL YOU ABOUT ONE OF THE CALLVILLE INDUCTEES --

FELLA NAMED STOCKDALE, A DRAFT DODGER.

HE GAVE ME A LOT OF TROUBLE.

NOT ON THE BED, PLEASE.

I WAS PUT IN CHARGE, AND HE GAVE ME A LOT OF TROUBLE.

THEY BROUGHT HIM TO THE BUS IN THESE.

I'LL MAKE A NOTE OF IT.

I THINK HE'LL NEED SOME DISCIPLINARY ACTION.

HE ALREADY HIT ONE OF THE FELLAS

WITH A GASOLINE PUMP.

IN THE BARRACKS HERE?

NO, BACK AT THE BUS STATION.

I'LL MAKE A NOTE OF IT.

I THOUGHT HE OUGHT TO BE REPORTED

TO THE SQUADRON COMMANDER. THAT'S WHY --

NO!

WELL, I MEAN, I THINK IT'S MY DUTY --

ANY REPORTING DONE AROUND HERE, I DO.

SURE YOU DO.

AND THIS FELLA STOCKDALE IS A REAL TROUBLEMAKER.

LOOK, SONNY, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN IN THE SERVICE?

ABOUT SIX HOURS, I GUESS.

I HAD R.O.T.C., THOUGH.

I SUPPOSE THEY TOLD YOU

IT WAS ALL EFFICIENCY AND GETTING THINGS DONE,

STANDING AT ATTENTION, RUNNING AROUND?

WELL, I'VE BEEN IN FOR 18 YEARS

AND IT AIN'T LIKE YOU THINK IT IS AT ALL.

IT'S A QUIET, PEACEFUL LIFE,

IF YOU MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

IT'S LIKE THERE WAS A BIG LAKE, NICE AND CALM.

I'M IN A CANOE, YOU'RE IN ANOTHER,

THE CAPTAIN'S IN A CANOE, AND THE COLONEL.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DO IF YOU REPORT SOMEBODY,

OR COMPLAIN ABOUT SOMEBODY, OR REQUEST SOMETHING?

YOU MAKE WAVES.

WELL, I THOUGHT THE CAPTAIN WOULD WANT TO KNOW

IF HE'S GOT A TROUBLEMAKER IN THE OUTFIT.

LOOK, SONNY, I HATE TO PULL RANK ON YOU,

BUT FOR YOUR INFORMATION,

YOU'VE GOT THE SMALLEST CANOE IN THE WHOLE DARN LAKE.

GOODNIGHT, PRIVATE.

AND NOW, OUR NEXT REQUEST

COMES FROM MASTER SERGEANT ORVILLE C. KING,

AT THE AIR FORCE CLASSIFICATION CENTER.

HERE YOU ARE, SERGEANT.

HEY, BEN, DO YOU PUT A BIG "S" ON SERGEANT?

WHEN YOU PRINT IT,

IT DON'T MAKE NO DIFFERENCE, WILL.

BOY, PA WILL SURE BE HAPPY

ABOUT HOW SGT. KING SAID IT WAS REALLY A "HOME."

HA-HA.

NO, NOW COME ON, BEN, YOU TAKE THE BOTTOM.

NO, WILL!

BUT HONEST, I LIKE SLEEPIN' HIGH.

NO, SIR. YOU SAT ON THE BOTTOM BUNK FIRST.

OH, I DIDN'T MEAN NOTHIN' BY IT.

FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED. THAT'S THE MILITARY WAY!

NO. NOW COME ON, BEN.

I WON'T, I TELL YOU!

NOW, COME ON --

LET THAT MAN ALONE, STOCKDALE.

I'M BEGINNING TO THINK

I NEVER SHOULD HAVE TAKEN THEM CUFFS OFF YOU, PLOWBOY.

WELL, IRVIN, I WASN'T DOIN' NOTHIN'.

IF YOU WANT TO START SOME FIGHTING,

YOU GO AFTER SOMEBODY YOUR OWN SIZE,

NOT SOME LITTLE MOUSE.

WATCH YOUR MOUTH!

WHY DON'T YOU MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS ANYHOW?

WE'RE JUST STOPPING HIM FROM RASSLING YOU AROUND.

THAT'S BETWEEN HIM AND ME. NOBODY ASKED YOU TO BUTT IN!

NOW, BEN, DON'T --

ONLY TRYING TO DO YOU A FAVOR, JUNIOR.

WHO YOU CALLING JUNIOR?

WHO ASKED YOU ANYTHING ANYHOW?

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU FEEL ABOUT IT.

YOU WANT TO BE BUDDIES WITH THE DRAFT DODGER,

BE BUDDIES WITH THE DRAFT DODGER.

THAT'S THE WAY I FEEL ABOUT IT.

BEFORE THERE'S TROUBLE IN THIS BARRACKS,

YOU HIT THE SACK. GET TO BED, BOTH OF YOU.

I WAS JUST GOING TO, IRVIN.

GIVE HIM TIME, IRVIN. BEDS IS STRANGE TO PLOWBOY.

HE'S USED TO SLEEPING WITH THE HOGS.

HA! HA! HA!

WHAT'S A MATTER WITH YOU ANYHOW?

ME?

TAKING THEIR INSULTS

AND HEE-HAWING LIKE A DANGED DONKEY!

OH, THEY DON'T MEAN NOTHIN' BY IT, BEN.

BESIDES, I THOUGHT THAT ONE ABOUT SLEEPING WITH THE HOGS

WAS KIND OF FUNNY.

WELL, SEE, I FIGURE IF WE JUST LAUGH WITH THEM

WHY, PRETTY SOON THEY'LL GET TIRED OF CARRYING ON,

THERE WON'T BE NO RUCKUS NOR NOTHIN'.

YOU THINK LAUGHING IS GOING TO STOP THESE GUYS?

A LICKIN' IS ALL THEY UNDERSTAND.

HUH. YOU THINK SO?

I KNOW SO!

AND YOU BEHAVING LIKE A DANGED DONKEY!

I'M THROUGH.

YEAH, I'VE HAD ENOUGH TOO.

YEAH. YEAH. ME, TOO.

LONESOME FOR THE HOGS, PLOWBOY?

AIN'T USED TO LIVING INDOORS, ARE YOU, PLOWBOY?

YOU WANT US TO TUCK YOU IN BED?

I BET YOUR PA ALWAYS TUCKED YOU IN NICE AND COMFY.

I WONDER WHAT BREED OF HOG HIS PA IS --

CHESTER WHITE OR POLAND CHINA?

NOW, I AIN'T GONNA TROUBLE YOU FELLAS NONE,

'CAUSE I KNOW YOU WAS ALL JUST PUT UP TO IT.

EXCUSE ME.

IRVIN, STAND UP AND TAKE OFF THEM GLASSES.

WHY?

I AIM TO BUST YOU UP SOME.

LOOK, STOCKDALE, I'M NOT ALONE NOW.

THERE'S FIVE OF US HERE.

KNOCK IT OFF! KNOCK IT OFF!

KNOCK...IT...OFF!

AREN'T YOU GENTLEMEN STARTING IN A LITTLE BIT EARLY

TO TIP OVER MY CANOE?

SERGEANT, LET ME TRY AND EXPLAIN.

SHUT UP!

NO, I AM NOT IN THE MOOD FOR EXPLANATIONS.

I AM QUITE TIRED. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

AND I WANT NO MORE NOISE.

YOU UNDERSTAND, GENTLEMEN?

I WILL BE MORE THAN WILLING TO LISTEN TO EXPLANATIONS

IN THE MORNING.

AND AS MORNING LIKES TO COME A LITTLE EARLY IN THE SERVICE,

WE'LL HELP IT ALONG.

WE WON'T WAIT FOR TAPS.

GET TO YOUR BUNKS...

ON THE DOUBLE!

OHHH!

HE SEEMS A MITE UPSET.

OH, WILL.

WE BETTER PUT IRVIN IN HIS BED.

HE WON'T WANT TO DISOBEY THE SERGEANT.

YOU GET HIS FEET.

LEAVE HIM ALONE, PLEASE, WILL.

HE'LL WAKE UP AND CAUSE SOME MORE TROUBLE.

YEAH, I RECKON HE MIGHT.

PRETTY GOOD FIGHT, THOUGH, ANYHOW, WASN'T IT?

OH, DOG IT, WILL. THIS WILL MESS UP EVERYTHING.

WHAT WILL, BEN?

FIGHTING IN THE BARRACKS.

BUT YOU SAID A LICKING WAS ALL THEY'D UNDERSTAND.

NOT IN THE BARRACKS.

ONE OF THEM IS BOUND TO SNITCH TOMORROW

THAT WE STARTED A FIGHT.

DOG IT, I'LL NEVER GET IN THE INFANTRY NOW.

IF WE KEPT OUR MOUTHS SHUT

AND DIDN'T DO NOTHIN' TO NOBODY

WE MIGHT GET TRANSFERRED.

BOTH OF US?

BUT NOW THEY'RE SURE TO TELL ABOUT THE FIGHT.

NO, THEY WON'T.

IF ONE OF THEM SAYS ANYTHING,

I'LL TAKE THEM OUT IN THE BACK

AND WHOMP 'EM GOOD.

NOW THERE YOU GO, WILL.

YOU THINK THE INFANTRY WANTS MEN LIKE THAT?

THEY WANT MEN WHO CAN TAKE IT

AND KEEP THEIR MOUTHS SHUT,

THE WAY A MAN OUGHT TO DO.

TRANSFER?

WE'LL BE LUCKY IF THEY DON'T TRANSFER US INTO THE NAVY!

WALKING AROUND IN THEM LITTLE, OL', WHITE UNIFORMS.

YOU REALLY WANT BOTH OF US TO TRANSFER, BEN?

DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND, WILL?

IT'S THE INFANTRY DOES THE REAL FIGHTING.

ALL THE REST IS JUST HELPERS.

LOOK AT THE WAR BETWEEN THE STATES.

HOW ABOUT THAT?

YEAH, HOW 'BOUT THAT.

SEE WHAT I MEAN?

LISTEN, EVERY MAN IN MY WHOLE FAMILY

HAS BEEN IN THE INFANTRY

CLEAR BACK TO MY GREAT-GRANDPA.

YOU KNOW WHAT HE DONE?

FOUGHT WITH STONEWALL JACKSON AT CHANCELLORVILLE.

LICKED HIM GOOD, TOO, I BET.

BY DOG!

FIRST THING TOMORROW MORNING

I'M GONNA GET THE SERGEANT'S PERMISSION

TO SEE THE CAPTAIN.

I'LL GIVE HIM MA'S LETTER AND I'LL --

OH, WHAT'S THE USE?

WHAT'S THE USE?

HEY!

HEY, BEN, MAYBE YOU'LL GET TO LIKE THE AIR FORCE --

ZOOMIN' ALL OVER THE SKY,

AND SHOUTIN' "ROGER," AND "WILCO," AND EVERYTHING.

MAYBE IT WON'T BE SO BAD.

BAD? YOU KNOW WHAT THEY CALL MEN IN THE AIR FORCE?

AIRMEN!

LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF A DANG, FUNNY BOOK.

AIRMEN! HOW YOU GOING TO LIKE IT

WHEN SOMEBODY CALLS YOU AIRMAN?

BY DOG, I JUST DON'T THINK I'LL STAND FOR IT.

HEY, LONG AS WE GOT TO LIE IN THE DARK,

GIVE US A CHANCE TO GET SOME SLEEP, WILL YOU?

KNOCK IT OFF!

YEAH!YEAH! SHUT UP.

AIRMEN.

SOMEBODY BRUNG THEIR TRUMPET.

Hey, Ben?

Hey. Hey, Ben.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, I'M UP!

I'M UP, I'M UP, I'M UP! ALL RIGHT, I'M UP!

ALL RIGHT, I'M UP!

HOWDY. I'M WILL STOCKDALE!

I DIDN'T HEAR THE WHISTLE.

TELL THE MEN TO LINE UP IN BACK.

IF THE CAPTAIN COMES AROUND,

TELL HIM I'M CHECKING ON WHO OVERSLEPT.

I'LL BE OUT THERE JUST AS QUICK AS I CAN --

IT'S 12:00 AT NIGHT.

IT IS?

OHHH...THAT'S THE PRETTIEST WATCH!

YOU WOKE ME!

WELL, YOU SAID TO KNOCK BEFORE ENTERING.

WHY DID YOU WAKE ME?

THIS AIN'T NOTHIN' PERSONAL AGAINST YOU, SERGEANT,

NOR THAT WE DON'T LIKE YOUR BARRACKS

NOR NOTHING LIKE THAT.

WHAT IT IS, IS BEN'S GOT THESE SIX BROTHERS

THAT'S ALL INFANTRY --

OH, THAT'S MY NEW BUDDY, BEN, THAT'S ASLEEP OUT THERE --

SO, NATURALLY, HE DON'T WANT TO BE IN NO AIR FORCE.

I MEAN, WITH THE INFANTRY DOIN' THE REAL FIGHTIN'

AND THE AIR FORCE JUST BEING THE HELPERS.

WELL, YOU KNOW, LIKE IN THE WAR BETWEEN THE STATES?

SO HE WANTS TO TRANSFER,

AND HE WANTS ME TO GO ALONG WITH HIM.

I FIGURED YOU COULD DO IT FOR US.

I MEAN, I HEARD WHAT YOU SAID OUT THERE

ABOUT HOW YOU WAS HERE TO HELP US

DURING THESE FIRST DIFFICULT DAYS OF MILITARY SERVICE.

WHY DO THEY SEND ALL THE BUMS AND THE IDIOTS

TO MY BARRACKS?

THEY DO?

YEAH.

YES, THEY DO.

SURE MUST BE A MESS.

NOW, LOOK, WHATEVER-YOUR-NAME-IS,

I WANT YOU TO GET OUT OF THIS ROOM --

STOCKDALE!

STOCKDALE?

DON'T YOU COME NEAR ME.

JUST GET OUT OF THIS ROOM,

AND GET BACK IN YOUR BUNK AND GO TO SLEEP.

YES, SIR.

BEN DID SAY THE CAPTAIN WAS THE ONE TO SEE --

STOCKDALE, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

TO THE CAPTAIN.

NOOO!

BUT BEN -- HE KNOWS ALL ABOUT DOIN' THINGS MILITARY.

OH, NO, YOU CAN'T.

YOU CAN'T, YOU CAN'T, YOU JUST...

THIS CAPTAIN WOULD JUST AS SOON RIP OFF YOUR STRIPES

AS LOOK AT YOU!

WELL, I AIN'T GOT NO STRIPES.

NOW, YOU'LL NEVER GET TRANSFERS BY WAKING UP THE CAPTAIN.

HE WON'T UNDERSTAND. BELIEVE ME, HE WON'T!

WELL, I'LL GO OVER IT REAL SLOW.

WAIT A MINUTE.

NOW, IF YOU WANT THE CAPTAIN TO DO YOU A FAVOR,

YOU'VE GOT TO DO A FAVOR FOR THE CAPTAIN.

YEAH, THAT'S IT.

NOW, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO A BIG FAVOR FOR THE CAPTAIN?

ME?

COME ON. THAT'S IT.

YOU DO ONE FOR HIM...

HE'LL DO ONE FOR ME, AND I'LL DO ONE FOR YOU.

THAT'S THE WAY IT WORKS OUT IN THE SERVICE.

GO RIGHT ON IN HERE.

NOW, UH, DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS?

IT'S KIND OF A BIG OUTHOUSE, AIN'T IT?

WE CALL IT THE "LATRINE."

LA-LATRINE.

HOW ABOUT THAT!

YOU MIGHT SAY IT'S THE CAPTAIN'S HOBBY.

HE INSPECTS IT EVERY CHANCE HE GETS.

AND WHEN IT SPARKLES, WHY HE SPARKLES, TOO.

NOW, YOU GET IT ALL CLEANED UP.

YOU ARE THE OFFICER-IN-CHARGE.

IN CHARGE?

EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM, ALL YOURS.

GOOOLLLY!

NOW, YOU JUST STAY RIGHT HERE, AND DON'T GO NO PLACE!

YOU BET. GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT!

HEY, THANK YOU!

WELL, IT JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU HOW GOOD THINGS HAPPEN TO YOU

WHEN YOU'RE LEAST EXPECTING 'EM.

WELL, I'LL GET STARTED.

Will: I STAYED OFFICER-IN-CHARGE OF THIS HERE LATRINE

ALL NIGHT LONG, RUBBIN' AND SCRUBBIN',

AND DOIN' MY BEST TO MAKE THINGS SPARKLE

LIKE SERGEANT KING SAID.

AND THEN I STAYED ON THROUGH BREAKFAST, TOO,

BECAUSE I WANTED TO DO A RIGHT GOOD JOB OF IT,

SO SERGEANT KING WOULD BE REAL PLEASED HOW THINGS COME OUT

WHEN HE COME IN TO LOOK AT IT IN THE MORNIN'.

BEAUTIFUL!

BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL!

BEAUTIFUL!

SHUCKS, IT AIN'T HARD!

WAIT TILL THE CAPTAIN SEES THIS.

WHY, HE INSPECTS THIS PLACE LIKE IT WAS AN OPERATING ROOM

WHERE SOMEBODY WAS GOING TO CUT OUT HIS HEART.

NEVER IN YOUR LIFE HAVE YOU SEEN SUCH A GUY

FOR STICKING HIS HEAD RIGHT DOWN INTO THINGS.

YOU FIGURE HE'LL LIKE WHAT I DONE?

HE'LL BE A NEW MAN.

WILL, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE PERMANENT LATRINE ORDERLY?

PERMANENT LATRINE ORDERLY?

P.L.O.

GOOOLLLY!

THE CAPTAIN MAKES INSPECTION EVERY SATURDAY.

NOW, IF YOU CAN KEEP EVERYTHING

AS CLEAN AS IT IS RIGHT NOW,

THE CAPTAIN WILL GET OFF MY BACK.

GEE, I'D SURE LIKE TO, SERGEANT,

BUT I WAS KIND OF SET

ON HELPING BEN GET THEM TRANSFERS.

YOU KNOW, HE'S MY BUDDY.

AIN'T I YOUR BUDDY?

YOU ARE?

YOU HELP ME, I'LL HELP BEN.

JUST DON'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THIS OUTSIDE OF THIS ROOM!

I'M GOING DOWN TO THE RECORD SECTION

AND FIX IT UP WITH A COUPLE OF FRIENDS OF MINE.

OKAY.

UH, SERGEANT...

DON'T I HAVE TO TAKE THEM TESTS

YOU WAS TALKING ABOUT YESTERDAY

AND GET MYSELF CLASSIFIED?

NO, WILL, YOU'VE BEEN CLASSIFIED.

IF WE HURRY, WE CAN CATCH THE START OF THAT PICTURE

OVER AT THE BASE THEATER.

NOT ME, BEN.

YOU SAID YOU AIN'T NEVER SEEN A PICTURE.

I KNOW, BUT I GOT MY DUTY TO DO.

YOU MEAN YOU'RE GOING BACK TO THAT LATRINE AGAIN?

YOU BET.

BUT IT'S AGAINST THE RULES

FOR YOU TO BE PERMANENT LATRINE LIKE THAT.

ALL WEEK YOU BEEN THERE.

SERGEANT KING KNOWS THE RULES, DON'T HE?

BESIDES, LIKE I TOLD YOU,

HE'S DOING ME AND YOU A FAVOR.

WHAT FAVOR? WILL YOU TELL ME THAT?

I AIM TO SURPRISE YOU, BEN.

YOU DON'T GO TO LECTURES OR STUDY FOR THEM TESTS.

HOW YOU GONNA GET CLASSIFIED?

SERGEANT KING SAYS I'M ALREADY THAT A-WAY.

ARE YOU CRAZY? DON'T YOU --

NOW, DON'T TAKE ON SO, BEN.

JUST WAIT AND SEE WHAT THE CAPTAIN SAYS

AFTER HE MAKES HIS INSPECTION TOMORROW.

WHY, YOU TAKE THEM FAUCETS, FOR INSTANCE.

I POLISHED THEM SO HARD

THEY DON'T SAY "HOT" AND "COLD" NO MORE.

WHAT?

AT EASE.

I THINK YOU'LL BE VERY PLEASED HERE, SIR.

ATTENTION!

LATRINE READY FOR INSPECTION, SIR.

THIS IS INCREDIBLE!

THIS IS ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE!

I AM PLEASED.

NO. NO, I'M HAPPY!

YOU THE ONE ON LATRINE DUTY TODAY, PRIVATE?

YES, SIR. ALL WEEK, SIR.

YOU ARE TO BE CONGRATULATED.

JUST LOOK AT --

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

ME? NOTHIN', SIR.

SOMETHING ABOUT ALL WEEK.

WELL, I DONE MY BEST IN ONE DAY,

BUT JUST TO BE FAIR WITH YOU,

IT TOOK ME A WEEK OF RUBBING AND SCRUBBING

TO GET IT LIKE THIS.

IS THIS MAN BEING PUNISHED FOR SOME INFRACTION?

OH, NO, SIR.

OH, HECK NO, SIR! I'M P.L.O.

YOU'RE WHAT?

PERMANENT LATRINE ORDERLY.

STOCKDALE.

OH, BUT DON'T CREDIT ME NONE, THOUGH, SIR.

IT'S ALL SERGEANT KING'S DOINGS.

HE EVEN GOT IT FIXED UP

SO I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO GET CLASSIFIED.

SIR, I --

WHAT? THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!

OH, NO, SIR!

HE FIXED IT WITH SOME FRIENDS OF HIS.

YES, SIR! IT WAS HIM GOT ME TO WORK SO HARD.

TELLIN' ME HOW LATRINES IS YOUR HOBBY,

AND STICKIN' YOUR HEAD DOWN INTO THINGS AND ALL.

SIR, I CAN EXPLAIN EVERY--

NOW DON'T YOU BE BASHFUL, SERGEANT.

SIR, I BEEN WANTING TO TELL YOU

ABOUT WHAT A GOOD SERGEANT HE IS.

OH, HE SOLVES OUR PROBLEMS FOR US

AND HELPS US OUT

ON OUR DIFFICULT DAYS OF MILITARY SERVICE.

I GUESS THAT HE'S ABOUT THE BEST, DANG SERGEANT THERE IS

IN THE WHOLE, DANGED AIR FORCE!

SIR, YOU -- YOU REALLY OUGHT TO GET UP OFF OF HIS BACK.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN A SERGEANT?

WELL, SIR, UH --

SPEAK UP!

16 YEARS, SIR.

AND HOW LONG DO YOU EXPECT TO REMAIN A SERGEANT?

12 YEARS?

YOU WILL REMAIN A SERGEANT EXACTLY ONE WEEK.

UNLESS THIS MAN COMPLETES THE ENTIRE CLASSIFICATION PROCESS

AND IS SHIPPED OUT WITH THE GROUP HE CAME IN WITH.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

UNLESS THIS MAN IS OUT OF HERE BY THE END OF NEXT WEEK,

YOU WILL NOT BE IN CHARGE OF THIS BARRACKS.

YOU WILL NOT BE A SERGEANT.

YOU WILL -- IN ALL PROBABILITY --

BE A PERMANENT LATRINE ORDERLY -- P.L.O.

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT, PRIVATE.

YOU'VE DONE A FINE JOB.

I HAVE NEVER SEEN SUCH A CLEAN LATRINE IN MY ENTIRE CAREER.

THANK YOU, SIR.

IT WAS MY AIM TO GET IT JUST AS CLEAN

AS THAT OPERATING ROOM

WHERE THEY'RE FIXING TO CUT OUT YOUR HEART!

YOU FORGOT TO ASK HIM ABOUT THE TRANSFERS.

WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT DID YOU DO IT FOR?

HECK, I COULDN'T SEE NO SENSE IN ME GETTIN' ALL THE CREDIT.

WE GOT TO GET YOU CLASSIFIED RIGHT AWAY.

WE GOT TO GET YOU OUT OF HERE.

YOU DON'T WANT ME AROUND NO MORE?

I THOUGHT WE WAS BUDDIES.

IT AIN'T WHAT I WANT, IT'S WHAT THE CAPTAIN WANTS.

WE GOT TO GET YOU CLASSIFIED IN A HURRY.

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE A LOT OF TESTS

AND TALK TO A LOT OF PEOPLE.

AND YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO WORK REAL HARD.

WILL IT HELP BEN AND ME GET THEM TRANSFERS?

WELL, I GUARANTEE YOU WHEREVER YOU GO

THEY'LL BUST A GUT TO GET YOU TRANSFERRED.

WELL, I'LL WORK HARD, ALL RIGHT, BUT I DON'T KNOW.

THE LAST TEST I TOOK WAS CLOSE ONTO FIVE YEARS AGO,

AND THAT WAS JUST ONE OF THEM TESTS

WHERE YOU TRY THIS FELLA'S TOOTHPASTE FOR 10 DAYS

AND SEE IF YOUR TEETH DON'T GET BRIGHTER.

I FAILED.

WILL, YOU'VE BEEN ADMIRING THIS WATCH OF MINE, HAVEN'T YOU?

I SURE HAVE, SERGEANT.

THAT THERE'S THE PRETTIEST WATCH I EVER SEEN.

NOW, YOU GET SHIPPED OUT OF HERE

BY SATURDAY MORNING LIKE THE CAPTAIN SAID,

AND IT'S YOURS!

MINE?

YOURS!

GOOOLLLY!

YOU'LL WORK REAL HARD, RIGHT?

RIGHT!

NOT WASTE ANY TIME?

NO, SIR.

FIRST THING MONDAY MORNING WE START CLASSIFICATION.

YOU JUST STAY RIGHT HERE AROUND THE BARRACKS

AND GET A LOT OF REST, AND RELAX YOUR HEAD.

I'M GOING DOWN TO THE TESTING AREA

AND SEE IF I CAN "BORROW" SOME OF THE TESTS.

TELL THEM I'LL GIVE THEM BACK

JUST LIKE I DID THE TOOTHPASTE.

Will: THIS PLACE WHERE THEY GIVE US THE TESTS

WAS REALLY SOMETHING.

THEY HAD THIS GREAT, BIG BUILDING

ALL FULL OF DOCTORS AND NURSES AND OFFICERS.

ALL OF THEM WALKING IN AND OUT AND AROUND

REAL QUICKITY-QUICK AND NOT SMILING AT NOBODY.

AND THEN THERE WAS THIS PLACE SOMETHING LIKE A SCHOOL ROOM

WHERE THEY GIVE US THE TESTS WE HAD TO WRITE OUT.

TIME'S UP, PAL.

RIGHT FRIENDLY OF YOU TO WAIT FOR ME.

THANK YOU.

HOW DO YOU THINK YOU DID, WILL?

WELL, THEM PRINTED TESTS THEY GIVE US --

THEY WAS EXACTLY LIKE THE ONES YOU BORROWED ONLY --

Only what?

Only you spent so much time drumming the answers into me,

maybe we ought to have spent a little bit more

on the questions they joined up with.

NOW, YOU JUST SIT RIGHT DOWN HERE AND WAIT.

COME ON, WILL. THE CORPORAL'S WAITING.

HERE HE IS, CORPORAL.

AWFULLY SORRY TO KEEP YOU WAITING.

WHAT WE DO HERE, PRIVATE,

IS TO EVALUATE YOUR MANUAL DEXTERITY

ON A TIME SCALE IN RELATION

TO DIGITAL/VISUAL COORDINATION.

TWO IRREGULAR STEEL LINKS

WHICH CAN BE INTERCONNECTED THUSLY.

I SEPARATE THEM, I JOIN THEM.

IT WILL BE YOUR TASK, WHEN I GIVE THE SIGNAL,

TO PLACE THE TWO LINKS

IN THE INTERCONNECTED RELATIONSHIP

I HAVE JUST DEMONSTRATED.

UH...I PUT THEM TOGETHER?

THAT'S RIGHT. YOU PUT THEM TOGETHER.

I'LL TIME YOU, AND THREE MINUTES IS PASSING.

WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T GET NERVOUS.

READY...GO!

THERE YOU GO.

ATTA BOY.

PUT THEM TOGETHER.

SERGEANT, PLEASE.

NOBODY EVER DOES IT IN LESS THAN TWO MINUTES.

YOU'RE NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE IN HERE.

THE CAPTAIN SAID HE HAS TO GO OUT

WITH THE GROUP HE CAME IN WITH.

I DON'T CARE. IT'S A VERY DIFFICULT TEST.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOU THINK I GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE?

THIS IS MY DEPARTMENT.

HE'S MY DEPARTMENT.

AND THAT'S MY DOOR.

YOU GET OUT IT RIGHT THIS MINUTE!

WHY DON'T YOU OPEN IT AND THROW ME OUT?

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE IN HERE.

STOP THE WATCH!

LOOK! LOOK AT THAT!

HE PUT THEM TOGETHER, DIDN'T HE?

SERGEANT!

SERGEANT!!

CORPORAL, WHAT'S ALL THE FUSS ABOUT?

YOU SAID "PUT THEM TOGETHER," HE PUT THEM TOGETHER.

LOOK WHAT HE DID!

HOW AM I GOING TO MARK HIM ON THAT?

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE GRADING HIM ON THIS.

CAN'T YOU DO A SIMPLE THING LIKE THAT?

I'M SUPPOSED TO MARK IT DOWN

WHETHER THEY PUT IT BACK TOGETHER OR NOT.

THERE AIN'T SUPPOSED TO BE BUT ONE WAY OF DOING IT,

AND HE DIDN'T DO IT THAT WAY.

HOW YOU GOING TO MARK HIM ON THAT?

AND WHO DO YOU THINK IS GOING TO PAY FOR THESE THINGS?

$16 THEY COST.

IF YOU THINK I'M GOING TO PAY $16 --

16 LOUSY DOLLARS!

I'LL BE GLAD TO PAY THE 16 LOUSY DOLLARS.

YOU WILL?

IF HE PASSED THE TEST.

BUT HE DID IT COMPLETELY WRONG.

HE WAS SUPPOSED TO DO IT --

WILL YOU STEP OUTSIDE A MINUTE?

HAVE A SMOKE.

NOW, CORPORAL, LET'S LOOK AT THIS THING LOGICALLY.

YOU NEED MONEY,

AND I NEED HIM TO PASS THE TEST.

BUT HE DID DO IT COMPLETELY WRONG.

BEN?

WILL!

HA-HA!

I AIN'T SEEN YOU HARDLY ALL DAY.

YOU BEEN IN THERE CLASSIFYING?

YEAH.

FIND OUT WHERE YOU'RE GOING?

SERGEANT KING SAYS MAYBE GUNNERY SCHOOL.

THAT'S WHERE I'M GOING, TOO, IF I PASS THE EYE TEST.

HOW 'BOUT THAT?

YEAH, HOW 'BOUT THAT.

OH, BEN, YOU AIN'T STILL SAD

ABOUT NOT BEING IN THE INFANTRY?

THE CAPTAIN DIDN'T EVEN READ MY LETTER.

AND THAT PLAN OF YOURS SURE DIDN'T WORK SO GOOD.

I TRIED TO ASK THE PSYCHIATRIST IF HE COULD FIX ME UP.

YEAH? WHAT DID HE SAY?

HE DIDN'T SAY NOTHIN'.

I DON'T THINK HE UNDERSTANDS SO GOOD.

I'M JUST STUCK IN THE AIR FORCE, THAT'S ALL.

HEY, BEN, MAYBE IT'S THE AIR FORCE

THAT'S THE REAL FIGHTERS

AND THE INFANTRY IS JUST THE HELPERS.

NEVER!

WELL, BEN, ALL YOU CAN DO IS LOOK AT IT THAT WAY.

NO. WAIT TILL MY BROTHERS FIND OUT...AIRMAN!

PRIVATE!

WHAT KIND OF ROWDY-DOW IS THIS?

PICK UP THAT CAP!

YES, SIR.

IS THAT A WAY TO TREAT GOVERNMENT PROPERTY?

WE'RE JUST A LITTLE EXCITED

'CAUSE WE'RE MAYBE GOING TO THE SAME SCHOOL TOGETHER.

THAT'S NO EXCUSE FOR --

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH THIS ONE?

HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?

NO, SIR! GET AT ATTENTION, WILL.

WE'RE SENDING THIS TO SCHOOL?

YES, SIR, MA'AM. IF HE PASSES THE EYE TEST

HE'LL BE GOING TO GUNNERY SCHOOL.

AS WHAT, A TARGET?

NO, SIR, MA'AM, HE --

LET'S HAVE NO MORE ROWDY-DOW, UNDERSTAND?

YES, SIR -- MA'AM!

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU ANYHOW?

DON'T YOU KNOW ENOUGH

TO COME TO ATTENTION AND SALUTE AN OFFICER?

SHE WAS A WOMAN.

SURE SHE WAS.

AIN'T YOU EVER HEARD OF THE WOMAN'S AIR FORCE?

YOU MEAN THEY GOT ONE, TOO?

SURE!

AGAINST OURS?

AH, NO, WILL. THEY'RE WITH US.

THEY'RE WITH US 100%.

AND WE GOT TO SALUTE THEM?

THE OFFICERS WE DO.

DIDN'T YOU HEAR THAT LECTURE ABOUT MILITARY COURTESY?

WELL, I'LL BE DOGGED.

I NEVER HEARD OF SALUTING NO WOMAN BEFORE.

SHE AIN'T A WOMAN, SHE'S A CAPTAIN.

I SEEN A CAPTAIN STAND THERE,

SO I COME TO ATTENTION AND I SALUTED.

A WOMAN CAPTAIN.

A CAPTAIN CAPTAIN!

DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND NOTHIN', WILL?

WHEN YOU'RE IN UNIFORM YOU AIN'T SUPPOSED TO NOTICE

WHETHER A PERSON IS A MAN, A WOMAN, OR WHAT.

A CAPTAIN'S A CAPTAIN, A MAJOR'S A MAJOR,

AND A GENERAL'S A GENERAL.

BEN, YOU MEAN TO TELL ME

THAT YOU DIDN'T NOTICE THAT SHE WAS A WOMAN?

A CAPTAIN, THAT'S ALL I SEEN.

WELL, DOG IT, BEN, I KNOWED SHE WAS A WOMAN RIGHT OFF!

OH, HONEST, WILL,

SOMETIMES I WONDER

HOW COME THEY TOOK YOU IN THE DRAFT AT ALL.

COME ON, WILL.

YOU, TOO, WHITLEDGE.

WELL, WILL, IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE JUST LIABLE

TO GET CLASSIFIED AFTER ALL.

THAT SHOWS YOU WHAT THE AIR FORCE HAS COME DOWN TO.

THIS THE FELLA YOU WANT? WHITLEDGE?

YEAH.

THE PSYCHIATRIST SAYS HE HAS

A SECONDARY ANXIETY WITH INFERIORITY

AND SYSTEMATIZED DELUSIONS OF PERSECUTION.

I AIN'T SURPRISED!

RECOMMENDS HE BE CONSIDERED

TO BE TRANSFERRED TO THE INFANTRY.

THE INFANTRY?

DON'T GET EXCITED. HE DIDN'T SAY YOU HAVE TO.

BUT THAT'S WHAT BEN'S ALWAYS BEEN WANTIN', CORPORAL.

JUST YOU TELL ME WHAT I HAVE TO DO.

WELL, HERE, FILL THIS OUT.

WHEN HE'S FINISHED,

BUCK IT THROUGH TO THE COLONEL FOR APPROVAL.

YEAH, IF HE'S CRAZY ENOUGH TO WANT IT.

HOW 'BOUT THAT, BEN? YOU MADE IT.

JUST WAIT TILL MY BROTHERS HEAR ABOUT THIS.

STOCKDALE, WILL.

HERE.

OKAY, PSYCHIATRIST.

OH, LORD. PSYCHIATRIST.

NOW, WILL, LISTEN CAREFULLY.

THE PSYCHIATRIST'S TEST IS THE ONE

WHERE I COULDN'T GET ANY COPIES OF THE QUESTIONS

BECAUSE THERE AIN'T ANY.

THE DOCTOR JUST ASKS YOU

WHATEVER HAPPENS TO POP INTO HIS HEAD,

SO KEEP YOUR... WITS ABOUT YOU.

I'LL TRY.

HEY, MAYBE HE'LL GIVE ME A TRANSFER, TOO, HUH, BEN?

He'll ask you things like

"What do you dream?"

OKAY. HEY, MAYBE HE'LL GIVE ME A TRANSFER, TOO, HUH, BEN?

SURE, WILL.

THE PSYCHIATRIST IS WAITING, STOCKDALE.

COMING.

WAIT A MINUTE.

SAFEST THING, I GUESS,

IS JUST SAY THAT YOU NEVER DREAM AT ALL.

OKAY. SEE YOU LATER, BEN.

NO DREAMS.

SERGEANT? DO YOU THINK HE CAN?

CAN WHAT?

GET TRANSFERRED, TOO.

MAYBE YOU COULD TALK TO THE DOCTOR.

NOW, DON'T YOU COMPLICATE THINGS.

I NEVER HAVE NO DREAMS AT ALL.

WHERE YOU FROM, STOCKDALE?

GEORGIA.

THAT'S NOT MUCH OF A STATE, IS IT?

WELL, I DON'T LIVE ALL OVER THE STATE.

I JUST LIVE IN THIS ONE LITTLE PLACE IN IT.

THAT'S WHERE TOBACCO ROAD IS -- GEORGIA.

NOT AROUND MY SECTION.

MAYBE YOU'RE FROM A DIFFERENT PART THAN ME.

I'VE NEVER BEEN THERE.

WHAT'S MORE, I DON'T THINK

I WOULD EVER WANT TO GO THERE.

WHAT'S YOUR REACTION TO THAT?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

I THINK THAT I WOULD RATHER LIVE

IN THE ROTTENEST PIGSTY IN TENNESSEE OR ALABAMA

THAN THE FANCIEST MANSION IN ALL OF GEORGIA.

HOW ABOUT THAT?

WELL, SIR, I THINK WHERE YOU WANT TO LIVE

IS YOUR BUSINESS.

YOU DON'T MIND

IF SOMEONE SAYS SOMETHING BAD ABOUT GEORGIA?

I AIN'T HEARD NOBODY SAY NOTHIN' BAD ABOUT GEORGIA.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK I'VE BEEN SAYING?

WELL, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, SIR,

I AIN'T BEEN ABLE TO GET TOO MUCH SENSE OUT OF IT.

DON'T YOU KNOW?

NOW WATCH YOUR STEP, YOUNG MAN.

WE PSYCHIATRISTS CALL THIS ATTITUDE OF YOURS RESISTANCE.

YOU SENSE THAT THIS INTERVIEW

IS A THREAT TO YOUR SECURITY.

YOU FEEL YOURSELF IN DANGER.

W-WELL, KIND OF I DO.

IF I DON'T GET MYSELF CLASSIFIED,

SERGEANT KING -- HE WON'T GIVE ME THE WRISTWATCH.

HE WON'T!

HE SAYS I ONLY GET IT IF I'M CLASSIFIED INSIDE A WEEK.

DO YOU GET ALONG ALL RIGHT WITH YOUR MOTHER?

NO, SIR, I CAN'T HARDLY SAY THAT I DO.

OH, I SEE. SHE'S VERY STRICT WITH YOU.

SHE'S ALWAYS HOVERING OVER YOU, HMM?

NO, SIR. JUST THE OPPOSITE.

OH, SHE'S NEVER THERE?

THAT'S RIGHT.

AND YOU -- YOU RESENT THIS NEGLECT, DON'T YOU?

WELL, NO, SIR, I DON'T RESENT NOTHIN'.

OH, COME NOW, SON.

DON'T BE BASHFUL. THAT'S A COMMON SITUATION.

DOES SHE BEAT YOU?

NO!

OH, SO DEFENSIVE.

IT'S NOT EASY TO TALK ABOUT YOUR MOTHER, IS IT?

NO, SIR. SEE, SHE DIED WHEN I WAS BORN.

YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME THAT SOONER.

DO YOU HATE YOUR MAMA?

I FIGURED AS HOW YOU SAID IT WAS SO COMMON --

I DO NOT HATE MY MOTHER.

I SHOULD HOPE NOT!

DOES SHE BEAT YOU OR SOMETHIN'?

THIS IS A TRANSFERENCE.

YOU'RE TAKING ALL YOUR STORED-UP ANTAGONISMS

AND LOOSING THEM IN MY DIRECTION.

OH, TRANSFERENCE, IT HAPPENS EVERY DAY.

IT DOES? TO THE INFANTRY?

THE INFANTRY?

LISTEN, YOU GIVE BEN A TRANSFER,

AND I WISH YOU'D GIVE ME ONE, TOO,

'CAUSE I'D SURE LOVE TO GO ALONG WITH HIM.

NOW STOP.

THERE ARE A FEW MORE TOPICS THAT WE HAVE TO COVER.

AND WE WILL NOT TALK ABOUT TRANSFERS,

AND WE WILL NOT TALK ABOUT MY MOTHER.

WE WILL TALK ABOUT WHAT I WANT TO TALK ABOUT!

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

YES, SIR.

NOW, THEN, YOUR FATHER...

LIVING?

YES, SIR.

HUH, DO YOU GET ALONG WITH HIM OKAY?

YES, SIR.

DOES HE EVER BEAT YOU?

YOU BET!

HARD?

AND HOW! THERE AIN'T NOBODY CAN BEAT LIKE PA CAN.

SO THIS IS WHERE THE ANTAGONISM COMES FROM.

YOU HATE YOUR FATHER, DON'T YOU?

NO.

HA HA HA.

HEY, I GOT A UNCLE I HATE, THOUGH!

EVERY TIME HE COMES OUT TO THE HOUSE,

HE'S ALWAYS WANTING TO RASSLE WITH THE MULE.

AND THE MULE GETS ALL WORE OUT,

AND HE GETS ALL WORE OUT.

WELL, I DON'T REALLY HATE HIM, THOUGH.

IT'S JUST THAT I AIN'T EXACTLY PARTIAL TO HIM.

DID I ASK YOU ABOUT YOUR UNCLE?

I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO TALK ABOUT HATIN' PEOPLE.

NOW...NOW THEN...

UM, GIRLS... HOW DO YOU LIKE GIRLS?

WHAT GIRLS IS THAT, SIR?

WELL, JUST, JUST, JUST GIRLS.

JUST ANY GIRLS.

WELL...I DON'T LIKE JUST ANY GIRLS.

I MEAN, THERE'S THIS ONE OLD GIRL BACK HOME

THAT AIN'T GOT HAIR NO LONGER THAN A HOUND DOG'S

AND SHE'S --

OH, NO!

WHEN I SAY GIRLS,

I DON'T MEAN ANY SPECIFIC GIRL.

I JUST MEAN... UH, WELL...

GIRLS IN GENERAL, YOU KNOW?

UH, WOMEN...

SEX!

DIDN'T THAT FATHER OF YOURS

EVER SIT YOU DOWN AND HAVE A TALK WITH YOU?

WELL, SURE HE DID.

WELL?

WELL, WHAT?

WELL, WHAT DID HE SAY?

WELL...

THERE'S THIS ONE

ABOUT THESE TWO TRAVELING SALESMEN...

AND THEIR CAR BREAKS DOWN

IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS TERRIBLE STORM...

STOP!

AND THEY COME RUNNING UP TO THIS FARMHOUSE

WHERE THIS FARMER'S GOT THESE 14 DAUGHTERS --

STOP!

DID YOU HEAR IT ALREADY?

I DID NOT HEAR IT ALREADY.

WHAT DID YOU STOP ME FOR? IT'S A REAL KNEE-SLAPPER.

SEE, THESE 14 DAUGHTERS

WAS ALL STUDYING TO BE TROMBONE PLAYERS --

HERE, LOOK. YOU GO.

YOU'RE THROUGH. YOU'RE PERFECTLY NORMAL.

JUST GO. GOODBYE. GO. GOODBYE.

EXCUSE ME FOR SAYING IT, SIR,

BUT I DON'T THINK A FELLA YOUR AGE

WOULD BE SO CONFUSED ABOUT IT ALL

IF YOU WENT OUT AND SEEN SOME GIRLS ONCE IN A WHILE.

LOOK! OUT! OUT!

YES, SIR.

THAT FELLA'S IN PRETTY BAD SHAPE.

WHERE'S SERGEANT KING?

OH, HE SAID HE'D MEET YOU IN THE MESS HALL.

SOMETHING ABOUT HE COULDN'T STAND THE STRAIN

ON AN EMPTY STOMACH.

STOCKDALE, WILL.

HERE.

EYE TEST. IN HERE.

I CAN'T RIGHT NOW. I GOT TO GO TELL --

GET IN THERE, STOCKDALE, ON THE DOUBLE.

YES, SIR.

JUST BE AN EXTRA SURPRISE FOR HIM.

WHAT'S KEEPING HIM SO LONG?

HE'S PROBABLY TELLING THE PSYCHIATRIST

HOW HE DREAMS ABOUT HIS PET HOG.

OH, CUT IT OUT, WILL YOU?

AIN'T I GOT ENOUGH SWEATIN' THIS OUT?

SERGEANT, CAN I HAVE MY APPLICATION A MINUTE?

I GOT A FEELING I'M DOOMED, I'M DOOMED.

OF ALL THE...

WHAT THE HECK YOU DOING THAT FOR?

GUESS I CHANGED MY MIND.

FOR PETE'S SAKE!

THIS WHOLE THING STARTED

FROM YOU HOLLERING TO GET INTO THE INFANTRY.

I CHANGED MY MIND!

WHY DO I GET ALL THE NUTS?

THERE HE IS.

HEY, WILL, COME HERE, WILL YOU?

SORRY TO KEEP Y'ALL WAITING SO LONG.

PETE, IRVIN.

WELL, WHAT HAPPENED BOY?

HOW'D YOU DO? WHERE'S THE FORM?

WELL, LET ME SEE IT.

I WANT TO SEE WHAT HE HAD.

HE PASSED... HE GOT THROUGH.

HE'S NORMAL.

ATTA BOY!

YES, SIR, YOU OUGHT TO SEE THE WAY

WILL BREEZES THROUGH THESE TESTS.

ONE, TWO, THREE. BIM, BAM, BOOM!

TOMORROW MORNING RIGHT AFTER INSPECTION

I'M GONNA RUN HIM DOWN TO THAT LITTLE, OLD EYE TEST,

AND BY TOMORROW NIGHT HE'S OUTTA HERE.

GUNNERY SCHOOL, HUH, WILL BOY?

WITH YOUR EYESIGHT.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS BOY TOLD ME?

THAT HE COULD SHOOT THE EYE OUT OF A TURKEY

AT 100 YARDS.

I ALREADY TOOK THE EYE TEST.

WHAT?

FELLA GRABBED ME ON THE WAY OVER HERE.

WELL, WHAT HAPPENED? WHERE'S THE FORM

FELLA BACK THERE KEPT THE PAPERS

ON ACCOUNT OF I WAS THE LAST TEST.

HE SAID IT WOULD ALL COME OUT

ON THE BULLETIN BOARD TOMORROW ANYHOW.

WELL, HOW'D YOU DO? YOU PASSED, DIDN'T YOU?

EASY, HUH?

I DON'T KNOW.

HE SEEMED KIND OF ANGRY MOST OF THE TIME.

WHAT MADE YOU THINK HE WAS ANGRY?

WELL, HE GOT SORT OF FUSSED

WHEN I WAS READING THIS HERE SIGN THEY HAD ON THE WALL.

AND THAT WAS RIGHT HARD AT FIRST,

BECAUSE THERE'S REAL PECULIAR WORDS

LIKE "IP," AND "GNXL," AND "BUGLUMP."

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO READ THEM LETTERS ONE AT A TIME.

DIDN'T MAKE MUCH SENSE THAT WAY NEITHER.

HEY, HEY, HEY!

TAKE A LOOK AT THE COLONEL

AND THE WAF CAPTAIN THAT COME ON THE BASE.

BOY, IS SHE STACKED.

Irvin: WOMEN OFFICERS.

THAT'S ONE THING I SURE DON'T COTTON TO.

WHAT ABOUT YOU, STOCKDALE?

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THEM?

I AIN'T NEVER SEEN ONE.

AIN'T YOU GOT EYES?

WILL, I WANT YOU TO TURN AROUND VERY SLOWLY

AND LOOK VERY CAREFULLY THIS TIME,

AND TELL ME EXACTLY WHAT YOU SEE.

I SEE...A COLONEL...

YEAH?

AND A CAPTAIN.

THAT'S ALL.

AND THE CAPTAIN'S A WOMAN, AIN'T SHE?

I DON'T NOTICE

WHETHER IT'S A MAN, OR A WOMAN, OR WHAT.

ALL I SEE IS A CAPTAIN. THAT'S ALL.

YEAH.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, SERGEANT?

YOU GOT A FLY IN YOUR COFFEE?

CAN I GET YOU SOME FRESH HOT?

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. JUST...GO ON YOUR WAY.

YOUR OWN...SPECIAL WAY.

THANKS, SERGEANT.

HEY, IT SURE MAKES ME PROUD TO KNOW

YOU'RE SURE ABOUT ME GETTING CLASSIFIED.

HE SURE DIDN'T PASS NO EYE TEST.

THEN HE AIN'T GONNA BE CLASSIFIED.

AND I'M GONNA BE PERMANENT LATRINE ORDERLY.

HOW BIG DO THEY GROW THEM TURKEYS DOWN THERE?

OH, HE CAN'T DO THIS TO ME.

I'M OLD AND I'M TIRED.

MY CONSTITUTION NEEDS PEACE AND SECURITY.

LOOK, SARGE.

SARGE, IF HE WASN'T TO GET CLASSIFIED

AND IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT,

THAT WOULD BE ALL RIGHT, WOULDN'T IT?

HOW

SUPPOSING HE DIDN'T SHOW UP FOR INSPECTION TOMORROW?

AND WHEN HE FINALLY DID SHOW,

HE'D BEEN, UH, DRINKING, SHALL WE SAY?

LISTEN, IRVIN.

I EVEN GOT SO I KIND OF LIKE THE KID.

AND I AIN'T ONE TO GO TOO FAR OUTSIDE REGULATIONS,

BUT IF YOU GOT AN IDEA... I'M DESPERATE.

ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS WANGLE US THREE PASSES.

WE'LL TAKE HIM TO THE "PURPLE GROTTO"

FOR A LITTLE CELEBRATION.

WE COULD TAKE HIM TONIGHT.

YEAH, WE COULD.

WELL, WELL, HERE WE ARE AGAIN.

ROUND TWO.

I SURE DO APPRECIATE THIS.

I STILL DON'T FEEL RIGHT

MY GLASS BEIN' SO MUCH BIGGER THAN Y'ALLS.

GUEST OF HONOR ALWAYS GETS THE BIGGEST GLASS.

THAT'S THE HONOR!

TO WILL! TO WILL!

AGAIN?

COME ON, COME ON.

THIS HERE SCOTCH STUFF TASTES KIND OF SHARP.

I LIKE THE OTHER STUFF YOU GIVE ME BETTER.

YOU MEAN THE BOURBON?

NO, THE GIN.

YEAH... MORE TANGY THAN SHARP.

IT SURE IS NICE OF YOU

TO GIVE ME THIS CELEBRATION PARTY, SERGEANT.

I STILL WISH BEN COULD HAVE COME ALONG, TOO.

JUST COULDN'T WANGLE IT.

OUTSIDE OF YOU BEN'S THE ONLY ONE LEFT

RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH FOR BARRACKS DUTY.

AND TOMORROW WE GOT A REAL INSPECTION.

THE COLONEL'S COMING.

YEAH, BEN'S SHARP.

COME ON, WILL, DRINK IT UP.

AHH!

WELL, I RECKON WE OUGHT TO BE HEADING ON BACK.

WHAT WITH THE COLONEL COMING TOMORROW,

I WANT TO GIVE BEN A HAND

AND GET THE BARRACKS CLEANED UP REAL SPECIAL.

WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.

I TOLD YOU I WAS GONNA GIVE YOU MY WATCH

AND I'M GONNA GIVE YOU MY WATCH.

WE GOT TO HAVE SEVERAL, SEVERAL DRINKS ON THAT.

MY MOTHER GIVE IT TO ME.

TO WILL STOCKDALE.

I AM PROUD OF HIM FOR GETTIN' CLASSIFIED SO GOOD

AND FOR CLEANING UP THE LATRINE AND ALL.

THAAANK YOU.

THAAANK YOU!

WOOOHEE!

TO SERGEANT KING!

THE BEST, DANGED SERGEANT THERE IS

IN THE WHOLE, DANGED AIR FORCE!

AHH!

BY DOG, FROM THE JUG

IT DON'T TASTE SHARP AT ALL, DOES IT?

WILL, ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY SURE

THAT YOU NEVER DRANK ANY WHISKEY BEFORE AT ALL?

NEVER NO STORE WHISKEY.

JUST SOME OLD STUFF MY PA MAKES.

SOME OLD STUFF THAT YOUR PA --

YEAH. CORN LIQUOR, KIND OF.

YOU KNOW, CORN, GRAIN, KEROSENE.

KEROSENE? KEROSENE?

JUST A MITE FOR FLAVORING.

WHERE THE HECK ARE WE GONNA GET SOME KEROSENE?

Woman: CIGARS, CIGARETTES,

AND ANYTHING ELSE YOU WANT TO SMOKE.

CIGARS, CIGARETTES?

WHY, THANK YOU.

THIS OUGHT TO COME NEAR IT.

SURE.

HE WANTS KEROSENE, HE GETS KEROSENE.

IT'S FAMILIAR.

HEY, THERE'S A INFAN --

HEY, INFANTRY!

HI.

LET'S DRINK ONE TO THE INFANTRY.

HAVE A DRINK. WE'RE CELEBRATING.

HI, JACK. THANKS A LOT.

I DO NOT MIND IF I DO.

TO THE INFANTRY!

TO THE INFANTRY!

SMOOOOOOOTH!

SAY, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU FLYBOYS

WERE SO NICE TO THE INFANTRY.

HECK, IT'S THE AIR AGE,

AND YOU'RE OUR HELPERS, AIN'T YOU?

YOUR WHHAAAT?

OUR HELPERS.

DON'T THINK WE DON'T APPRECIATE IT, TOO.

LISTEN. LISTEN, FELLAS.

YOU'RE A NICE BUNCH OF FELLAS.

FELLAS, YOU GOT IT EASIER THAN ANYBODY,

EVEN THE NAVY.

EASY!

WE GOT THE ROUGHEST, TOUGHEST, MEANEST SERGEANTS

IN THE WHOLE SERVICE.

OH, GO ON. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A TOUGH SERGEANT IS

UNTIL YOU'VE BEEN IN THE INFANTRY.

AND NOBODY'S TOUGHER THAN MY SERGEANT.

HE'S TOUGH!

I SURE AM.

OH, SERGEANT.

I'M A LOUSE!

I DON'T KNOW, SERGEANT.

YOU SEEM TO BE A PRETTY DECENT JOE TO ME.

YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

ALL RIGHT, I'LL BET YOU FIVE BUCKS

I'M A BIGGER LOUSE THAN YOU

AND I'M JUST A PRIVATE.

YEAH? PUT UP OR SHUT UP.

YEAH, PUT UP OR SHUT UP.

WHAT'S A BIGGER LOUSE

THAN A LOUSE WHO WILL DRINK YOUR BOOZE

AND THEN PUNCH YOU RIGHT IN THE GUTS, HUH?

PUT UP OR SHUT UP.

OH, SAYS WHO?

SERGEANT, I THINK WE OUGHT TO BE GOING ON BACK NOW.

GO AWAY. YOU'RE DRUNK!

OH-HO!

COME ON, INFANTRY, LET'S GET THE FLYBOYS.

OHHHH!

OHHH!

I DONE HIT HIM ONCE, IRVIN.

AIN'T NO USE TO OVERDOING IT.

OHH!

NOW, YOU SEE, YOU ANTAGONIZED HIM, SERGEANT.

I THINK WE OUGHT TO BE GOING ON HOME ANYHOW.

ALL RIGHT, JUST A MINUTE.

WILL!

OHHH!

I KNOW YOU'RE HAVING A WHOLE LOT OF FUN, SERGEANT,

SO I WON'T STAY AROUND AND BE A WET BLANKET.

OKAY, I'M GOING ON BACK TO THE BARRACKS.

HUSH A MINUTE! HUSH A MINUTE!

I'M GONNA GO BACK AND GIVE BEN A HAND.

IS THIS THE "PURPLE GROTTO?"

RIGHT UP YONDER.

COUPLE OF THIRSTY FELLAS FOR YOU!

AIN'T THE SERGEANT SHOWED UP YET?

NOPE.

WHY DIDN'T YOU COME TO BREAKFAST?

WENT OVER TO THE CARPENTER SHOP.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING THERE?

FIXING UP SOMETHING SPECIAL.

IT AIN'T EVERY DAY A COLONEL COMES TO INSPECT.

I SURE WISH THE SERGEANT WAS HERE.

LIKE I TOLD YOU, HE WAS HAVING A WHOLE LOT OF FUN.

BUT HE'LL SHOW UP.

HE AIN'T GONNA MISS NO INSPECTION IF HE CAN HELP IT.

THE HECK HE AIN'T. HERE COMES THE CAPTAIN NOW!

AND THE COLONEL!

GOING AROUND FRONT.

OOOH, GOLLLLY!

WHO'S GONNA REPORT?

HEY, YOU'RE IN CHARGE.

ME?

YEAH.

BARRACKS READY FOR INSPECTION, SIR.

BARRACKS READY FOR INSPECTION, SIR.

NOW, LISTEN, WHEN YOU THROW OPEN THIS DOOR,

HOLLER "ATTENTION" JUST AS LOUD AS YOU CAN, OKAY?

BARRACKS READY FOR INSPECTION, SIR!

WHERE'S SGT. KING?

I DON'T KNOW, SIR,

BUT THE BARRACKS ARE READY FOR INSPECTION, SIR!

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

SIR, JUST FOR A STARTER,

I'D LIKE YOU TO TAKE A LOOK AT THIS LATRINE.

THERE'S A MAN WHOSE LATRINE WORK IS QUITE SURPRISING.

ATTENTIONNNN!

LATRINE READY FOR INSPECTION, SIR.

LATRINE READY FOR INSPECTION, SIR.

WHAT IS THE IDEA BEHIND THIS?

WELCOMING THE COLONEL, SIR.

I'M SORRY, SIR.

OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT, CAPTAIN.

I'VE BEEN WELCOMED IN MANY WAYS --

TICKER TAPE, FLAGS WAVING,

WOMEN OF A FRENCH VILLAGE ONCE THREW ROSEBUDS AT ME.

BUT THIS...

THIS IS JUST...

I DON'T KNOW.

THEY DIDN'T HARDLY INSPECT THE LATRINE AT ALL.

I DON'T KNOW, WILL. THEY, THEY...OHH!

Sergeant!

LIEUTENANT BACK THERE ALMOST SPOTTED ME.

You all right?

I AIN'T SURE.

Where's Irvin?

M.P.'s GOT HIM.

VERY NICE, CAPTAIN.

THANK YOU, SIR.

THE COLONEL!

YEAH. HEY, THEY INSPECTED IN HERE ALREADY.

HEY, WATCH OUT FOR THAT TREADLE.

VERY GOOD, INDEED.

EXCELLENT.

WERE YOU IN CHARGE DURING YOUR SERGEANT'S ABSENCE?

YES, SIR. COMPLETE CHARGE.

CAPTAIN, I THINK YOU SHOULD MAKE A NOTE OF THIS MAN'S NAME.

YES, SIR. WHAT IS IT, PRIVATE?

WHITLEDGE, SIR.

WHITLEDGE, SIR.

WHAT'S THAT AGAIN, PRIVATE?

WHITLEDGE, SIR. W-H-I-T-L-E-D-G-E.

WHAT THE DEVIL?

WHAT'S GOING ON IN THERE?

LATRINE'S OUT OF ORDER, SIR.

YOU GONNA TO HAVE TO USE THE ONE NEXT DOOR.

LET ME IN THERE.

THIS IS THE BARRACKS SERGEANT, SIR.

HOW ARE YOU, SIR?

ALL SLICKED UP FOR INSPECTION. EXPLAIN!

EXPLAIN.

WELL, SIR...I WENT TO A MOVIE LAST NIGHT, SIR.

AND THERE WERE THESE EIGHT INFANTRYMEN

SITTING RIGHT IN BEHIND ME.

AND THEY WAS CUSSING OUT THE AIR FORCE,

AND SAYING AS HOW THAT THEIR OFFICERS

WERE MORE UNDERSTANDING THAN OUR OFFICERS.

SO YOU FOUGHT THEM ALL NIGHT LONG?

YES, SIR. IT WAS AWFUL.

WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THE MOVIE?

MOVIE?

THE MOVIE!

OOOHH...

"FORWARD MARCH."

"AMERICAN BATTALION."

"OF THE AIR."

"UP IN THE WILD BLUE"?

IT WAS A SNEAK PREVIEW.

CAPTAIN, I DON'T KNOW HOW THIS MAN

EVER GOT ON MY BASE,

BUT HE'S CERTAINLY NOT GOING TO REMAIN HERE.

CORRUPTING NEW AIRMEN WITH THIS...

WITH THIS HORRIBLE EXAMPLE.

SHIP HIM OUT.

THERE'S A GROUP LEAVING

FOR GUNNERY SCHOOL TODAY, SIR.

SPLENDID! GENERAL BUSH

CAN ALWAYS USE ANOTHER PRIVATE.

PRIVATE?

PRIVATE.

PRIVATE.

THAT NAME WAS WHITLEDGE, SIR.

WHITLEDGE, EH?

THIS IS GOING ON YOUR RECORD, WHITLEDGE.

THIS IS GOING ON EVERYBODY'S RECORD!

SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR THE COLONEL.

YOU AIN'T A SERGEANT NO MORE.

NO, I AIN'T A SERGEANT NO MORE.

I'M A PRIVATE.

A 45-YEAR-OLD PRIVATE.

GOSH!

HE'S PUTTING IT ON MY RECORD.

GOSH, BEN --

THERE'S ONE SILVER LINING TO THIS CLOUD, THOUGH,

BY GEORGE.

YOU'RE STAYING HERE, BUT I'M GOING TO GUNNERY SCHOOL

1,000 MILES AWAY.

SERGEANT?

PRIVATE!

I AIN'T STAYING HERE.

I'M GOING TO GUNNERY SCHOOL LIKE YOU ARE.

THEY TOOK YOU?

YOU PASSED THE EYE TEST?

IT'S ON THE BULLETIN BOARD.

IT WAS YOUR HELPING DONE IT FOR ME.

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

WE'RE GONNA BE TOGETHER.

I'VE HAD ABOUT ALL I CAN TAKE.

YOU AND HIM BE TOGETHER.

JUST LEAVE ME OUT OF IT.

BUT WE'RE BUDDIES.

BUDDIES?

LAST NIGHT YOU SAID YOU WAS PROUD OF ME.

I WAS DRUNK.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS SAYING.

YOU GIVE ME YOUR WATCH.

I WAS DRUNK!

NOT WHEN YOU PUT ME IN CHARGE OF THE LATRINE.

YOU TALK TO HIM. MAYBE YOU CAN GET THROUGH.

CLEANING THE LATRINE ISN'T A GOOD JOB, WILL.

IT'S THE WORST JOB THERE IS.

IT'S A PUNISHMENT JOB.

IT IS?

NOW DO YOU UNDERSTAND? THERE'S YOUR BUDDY.

MAKE TROUBLE FOR HIM FOR A CHANGE.

GREAT.

YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA MISS HIM,

SO YOU TORE UP YOUR TRANSFER.

WELL, YOU DON'T LOOK SO GLAD ABOUT IT NOW.

YOU TORE UP YOUR TRANSFER, BEN?

IT WAS JUST AN APPLICATION, THAT'S ALL.

TO THE INFANTRY.

DOESN'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE NOW.

AFTER THIS MESS,

I COULDN'T GET TRANSFERRED TO A TROOP OF MULES.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU DONE THAT.

JUST FORGET ABOUT IT, WILL YOU?

YOU AIN'T SORE AT ME?

I AIN'T JUMPING UP AND DOWN!

YOU AIN'T BROUGHT ME NOTHING BUT TROUBLE

SINCE THE FIRST DAY WE MET

RUNNING AROUND ACTING LIKE A BIG, DANGED DONKEY!

I'LL MAKE IT UP TO YOU, BEN. HONEST I WILL.

JUST FORGET ABOUT IT, WILL YOU?

DON'T TRY TO DO NOTHING.

WE'LL STILL SPEAK AND ALL THAT

BECAUSE WE'LL BE IN THE SAME OUTFIT,

AND THAT'S THE MILITARY WAY,

BUT JUST FORGET ABOUT IT

AND WE'LL BOTH BE BETTER OFF!

BEN, PLEASE, I --

GOT TO GO PACK FOR GUNNERY SCHOOL!

OH, YEAH.

WELL, BEN, SERGEANT KING AND ME,

WE ALL WENT TO GUNNERY SCHOOL TOGETHER

LIKE THE "THREE MUSKETEERS."

AND THEY PUT US ON THIS HERE SQUADRON

ON THIS HERE AIR BASE,

AND IT WAS WAY OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE COUNTRY, KIND OF.

YOU KNOW, OUT OF THE WAY OF THE OTHER OUTFITS.

AND THE PLANES IS WHAT THEY CALL OBSOLETE.

AND THE OFFICER CREWS THAT RUN THEM...

WELL, THEY WASN'T KEPT UP VERY MUCH EITHER.

I GUESS IT'S WHAT YOU MIGHT CALL A SECOND-LINE-OF-DEFENSE OUTFIT.

BUT ANYHOW, BEN AND ME WAS PUT ON THE SAME FLIGHT CREW,

BECAUSE THEY PUT YOU

ACCORDING TO HOW YOU COME OUT IN YOUR CLASS,

AND WE WAS THE BOTTOM TWO.

SERGEANT KING, THOUGH, HE COME OUT ON TOP!

HE DID! THE INSTRUCTOR SAID THEY NEVER SEEN NOTHING LIKE IT.

IT WAS JUST AS IF HE HAD COPIES OF THE TESTS

BEFORE THEY GIVE THEM.

ALL RIGHT, BOYS, GET THIS ONE OFF

AND YOU CAN ALL GO BACK TO SLEEP.

HEY, LOOK AT YOU WITH AN ARMBAND,

A WRITING PAD, AND EVERYTHING.

ALL RIGHT, GET ON THE PLANE.

YOU'RE TAKING OFF RIGHT NOW.

HEY, WE CAN'T. EVERYBODY AIN'T HERE YET.

THE RADIO OPERATOR AND THE FRONT GUNNER,

THEY AIN'T SHOWED UP --

GET UP ON THE PLANE! GET MOVING!

CLEAR.

HOW COME WE'RE GOING UP SO EARLY, SERGEANT?

TO BREAK THE SOUND BARRIER!

YOU GOT TO SNEAK UP ON IT WHEN NOBODY'S LOOKING!

OH!

EXCUSE ME, SIR.

EXCUSE ME, SIRS. HOWDY.

WHAT THE --

IT'S ALL RIGHT, GEORGE. HE'S ONE OF THE CREW.

OKAY, OKAY.

DON'T COME SNEAKING UP ON PEOPLE LIKE THAT, FELLA.

SORRY, SIR.

I JUST WANTED TO SEE WHAT Y'ALL DO UP HERE.

IT'S ON AUTOMATIC PILOT.

DID YOU ALREADY LET UP THE WHEELS?

HECK, YES.

AWW, SHUCKS!

WHAT DO Y'ALL DO IN BACK ANYHOW?

NOTHING MUCH.

I MOSTLY LOOK OUT THE BLISTER AND SWEEP UP A LITTLE.

GOOD NIGHT.

EXCUSE ME, SIR.

TAKES AN AWFUL LONG TIME TO GET TO DENVER, COLORADO.

WHAT THEY DOING UP THERE?

OH, YOU'D BE RIGHT PROUD OF THEM, BEN.

THEY'RE WORKING REAL HARD.

STEERING AND NAVIGATING AND ENGINEERING AND ALL.

NAVIGATOR TO PILOT. NAVIGATOR TO PILOT. OVER?

PILOT TO NAVIGATOR.

FRED, I WISH YOU WOULDN'T CALL ME

ONCE WE'RE OFF THE GROUND.

WE'RE OVER THE GULF OF MEXICO, YOU IDIOT!

NOW, HOW CAN WE BE OVER THE GULF OF MEXICO

WHEN THERE'S A CITY BELOW US HALF THE SIZE OF NEW YORK?

YOU WANT TO COME BACK HERE AND CHECK THE MAPS?

I FIGURED OUR POSITION BY DEAD RECKONING,

AND WE'RE SMACK DAB IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GULF OF MEXICO!

HEY, FELLAS, NUMBER TWO ENGINE IS DEAD.

PREPARE FOR LANDING.

THIS IS NOT A SEAPLANE!

COPILOT TO REARGUNNER. COPILOT TO REARGUNNER. OVER!

HOWDY!

HAVE YOU SEEN ANYTHING BELOW

THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN A BODY OF WATER?

NO, SIR, I AIN'T SEEN NOTHING.

I BEEN SWEEPING UP.

WHAT THE DEVIL'S THE MATTER WITH THAT RADIO OPERATOR?

PILOT TO RADIO OPERATOR! OVER!

COPILOT TO RADIO OPERATOR! OVER!

NAVIGATOR TO RADIO OPERATOR. OVER?

REARGUNNER TO EVERYBODY.

RADIO OPERATOR MISSED THE PLANE.

OH, NO! OH, NO!

OVER.

LISTEN, YOU OUGHT TO KNOW HOW

TO OPERATE THAT RADIO BY NOW.

GET ON IT AND FIND OUT WHERE WE ARE.

THIS IS AN EMERGENCY. OVER.

WE KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.

HEY, SIR?

YOU OUGHT TO GIVE THE JOB TO THE OTHER GUNNER.

I RECKON HE'D BE

ABOUT THE BEST, DANGED RADIO OPERATOR THERE IS

IN THE WHOLE, DANGED AIR FORCE!

ALL RIGHT! JUST PUT SOMEBODY ON THAT LOUSY RADIO!

OVER AND OUT!

HEY, HEY, HEY, BEN?

HEY, WAKE UP, BEN.

WHAT?

IT'S AN EMERGENCY.

WE'RE LOST AND LIEUTENANT BRIDGES

WANTS YOU TO BE THE RADIO OPERATOR

AND FIND OUT WHERE WE ARE.

IT'S YOUR BIG CHANCE, BEN,

TO SAVE THE PLANE AND US AND EVERYTHING.

ME?

YEAH. THEY HEARD WHAT A GOOD SOLDIER YOU WAS.

GOLLY! OH, LORD.

HEY, HERE'S SOME INSTRUCTIONS.

GOOD! READ THEM OFF.

I'LL OPERATE, AND YOU BE MY ASSISTANT.

ASSISTANT?

YES, SIR!

UH..."AN IMPORTANT NOTICE.

"THE TAXPAYERS OF THE UNITED STATES PAID" --

HERE, YOU OPERATE, I'LL READ.

BUT THEY GIVE THE JOB TO YOU, BEN.

GO ON. I GOT TO THINK FOR THE GOOD OF THE OUTFIT.

"TWO, TURN OSCILLATOR CONTROL KNOB" --

I THINK THAT'S THE BIG ONE THERE --

"TO TRANSMISSION FREQUENCY DESIRED."

WELL, WHAT FREQUENCY WE DESIRE?

WELL, I'LL LEAVE THAT UP TO YOU.

ALL RIGHTEE!

"ADJUST KNOB 'B'

SO AS TO OBTAIN MINIMUM IMPEDANCE."

HEY, LISTEN, BEN.

AT HOME, WE GOT A LITTLE, OLD RADIO ON THE PORCH.

WHENEVER IT WON'T WORK, PA JUST SPITS IN THE BACK OF IT

AND WHOMPS IT A GOOD ONE, AND IT WORKS EVERY TIME.

LET'S SEE.

THERE YOU ARE! SHE'S A-WORKING!

YOU GOT IT WILL! YOU GOT IT, WILL!

HELLO?

HELLOOO!

THERE! I TOLD YOU I'D FIND AN AIRPORT.

THAT'S A DRIVE-IN MOVIE. PULL UP!

PULL UP, PULL UP!

HELLO!

IF YOU GET SOMEBODY, BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU SAY.

IT MIGHT BE THE ENEMY.

WHAT ENEMY?

I...I DON'T KNOW, BUT BE CAREFUL!

OKAY.

HELLO?

HELLO?

SERGEANT.

EXCUSE ME, SIR,

BUT I'M GETTING A VERY ODD SIGNAL HERE.

LISTEN.

HMMM, THAT IS ODD.

SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY SPITTING.

Okay, Will, try it again.

Yes, sir!

Hello? Hellooo!

Anybody there? Hello!

HELLO.

Hello.

HELLO!

Howdy!

Hey, Ben, I got somebody.

Ben: How about that!

WHO ARE YOU? WHERE ARE YOU?

Ben, he wants to know who we are.

ANSWER ME! WHO THE DEVIL ARE YOU?

He talks like an American, Ben.

Ben says, First, who are you?

THIS IS COMMAND POST OPERATION "PROMETHEUS."

ARE YOU IN AN AIRPLANE?

Sure are.

OH, GREAT SCOTT!

No, sir, Stockdale.

THAT MUST BE THIS PIP ON THE SCOPE, SIR.

THEY'RE HEADING STRAIGHT TOWARD THE TOWER, SIR.

Is this the Gulf of Mexico?

NO, YOU IDIOT!

SEND WORD TO STOP THE DETONATOR.

IT'S TOO LATE, SIR. ZERO MINUS FOUR.

Hey, where did you say we was?

YOU'RE RIGHT OVER YUCCA FLATS, NEVADA --

THE ATOMIC PROVING GROUND.

I WANT YOU TO TURN THAT PLANE AROUND THIS MINUTE

AND HEAD RIGHT BACK WHERE YOU CAME FROM.

THERE THEY ARE. STRAIGHT TOWARD THE TOWER.

General Bush -- Got to do like he says

EUGENE BUSH?

Our commanding general. Fat fellow with a moustache.

I MIGHT HAVE KNOWN.

GET ME THROUGH TO GENERAL BUSH.

IDIOT. I'LL KILL HIM FOR THIS!

GET ME GENERAL BUSH, 12th AIR GROUP.

ALL RIGHT, I DON'T CARE WHAT BEN SAYS,

OR WHAT EUGENE BUSH SAID.

I AM A GENERAL, TOO, IN THE U.S. ARMY INFANTRY.

The Infantry?

YES. AND I'M ORDERING YOU

TO TURN THAT PLANE AROUND THIS MINUTE.

YOU'RE HEADING STRAIGHT INTO --

HELLO

GREAT SCOTT, I'VE LOST THEM.

HE'S RIGHT HERE, SIR.

BUSH HERE.

EUGENE, THIS IS VERNON POLLARD.

VERNON?

WELL, HOW ARE YOU, OLD BOY?

YOU'VE SABOTAGED MY OPERATION.

YOU WERE ORDERED TO SEND YOUR PLANE

AS FAR AWAY AS YOU COULD,

AND ONE OF THEM IS COMING RIGHT OVER US!

I SENT THEM AWAY, VERNON. I SENT THEM TO DENVER.

I DON'T CARE WHERE YOU SENT THEM.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR COMMUNICATIONS?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR SECURITY MEASURES, OLD BOY?

SHUT UP AND LISTEN.

I'M TRYING TO RE-ESTABLISH RADIO CONTACT.

WHAT KIND OF IDIOT RADIO OPERATORS

DO YOU PUT IN THOSE PLANES?

WHAT KIND OF IDIOT RADIO OPERATORS

DID YOU PUT IN THOSE PLANES?

I'LL SKIN YOU FOR THIS, EUGENE.

SIR, I'VE GOT THAT SIGNAL AGAIN.

Hello?

Hello!

HELLO. LISTEN, HERE'S YOUR GENERAL BUSH.

They got General Bush there, Ben.

EUGENE, I'M PUTTING THE TELEPHONE

NEXT TO THE MICROPHONE.

TELL THIS IDIOT TO TURN BACK!

HELLO? WHO IS THIS?

Private Stockdale, sir.

THIS IS GENERAL BUSH, STOCKDALE.

STOCKDALE!

DON'T MOVE, KING!

TELL YOUR PILOT TO REVERSE COURSE IMMEDIATELY.

YOU'RE IN EXTREME DANGER.

Roger, sir. Wilco.

Ben says, "How do we know you're General Bush?"

TELL HIM SERGEANT KING WILL GIVE HIM HIS WATCH.

HUH?

IT'S THE ONLY WAY, SIR.

SERGEANT KING WILL GIVE YOU HIS WATCH.

He will?

That's good enough for me.

I'll go tell Lieutenant Bridges.

I'LL TELL HIM THIS PERSONALLY.

EXCUSE ME, LIEUTENANT,

BUT WE JUST TALKED WITH GENERAL BUSH,

AND HE SAYS WE'RE IN REAL DANGER

AND YOU SHOULD REVERSE COURSE QUICK AS A WINK.

DANGER? WHERE ARE WE?

SMACK DAB OVER YUCCA FLATS, NEVADA.

HOLY PETE!

I WANTED TO TELL YOU WHAT A GOOD JOB BEN DONE.

MAYBE YOU COULD RECOMMEND HIM

FOR A PROMOTION OR SOMETHING.

SHUT UP. DON'T BOTHER ME.

BUT REALLY, LIEUTENANT,

MAYBE YOU COULD GET HIM A MEDAL

OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

GET BACK TO YOUR STATION!

DON'T BOTHER ME AGAIN FOR ANYTHING!

THAT'S AN ORDER!

YES, SIR.

20 SECONDS, SIR.

IT'S WORKING, SIR. THEY'RE TURNING.

YOU DID IT, EUGENE. THEY'RE TURNING.

THERE THEY GO. THEY'RE STILL TURNING.

NO! THEY'RE HEADED FOR THE TOWER AGAIN.

IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT, EUGENE.

YOU'VE NEVER FORGIVEN ME FOR THOSE HAZINGS

BACK AT THE "POINT."

IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT, YOU BLUNDERING IDIOT!

FOR 30 YEARS YOU'VE BEEN OUT TO GET ME,

AND NOW YOU'RE OUT TO WRECK MY CAREER!

...TWO...ONE...ZERO!

WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT HAPPENED?

LOOK! WE'RE ON FIRE!

WE GOT TO JUMP OUT!

I GOT TO TELL THEM UP FRONT!

NO. THEY SAID THEY DIDN'T WANT TO BE BOTHERED

ABOUT ANYTHING, NO MATTER WHAT!

WE CAN'T LEAVE THEM LIKE THAT!

THEY SAID IT WAS A ORDER, BEN!

HANG ON!

AHHHH!

PULL TO THE LEFT!

NOOOO! PULL TO THE RIGHT!

HOLD STILL, BEN.

WHAT DID YOU DO IT FOR?

YOU SNATCHED ME RIGHT OUT OF THE PLANE.

WHAT DID YOU DO IT FOR?

WELL, I KNOWED YOU DIDN'T HAVE TIME

TO PUT ON YOUR PARACHUTE.

HECK, YOU'D HAVE DONE THE SAME FOR ME.

NO, I WOULDN'T.

OUR POST WAS THE TAIL OF THE PLANE

AND NOBODY TOLD US TO QUIT IT.

BUT THE TAIL WAS ON FIRE, BEN.

OUR POST WAS QUITTING US.

YOU KNOW WHAT WE ARE NOW?

WELL, WE'RE ALIVE!

WE'RE DESERTERS. DESERTERS!

QUIT WIGGLING, BEN. PLEASE!

THE FIRST LICK OF DANGER

AND YOU SNATCH ME AWAY FROM IT!

I'D RATHER BE A DEAD HERO THAN A LIVE DESERTER.

I AIN'T GONNA DROP YOU NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY.

HEY, WE CAN SLIP THROUGH HERE AND NOBODY WILL SEE US.

NO, I THINK WE OUGHT TO REPORT BACK THROUGH THE GATE,

'CAUSE THAT'S MILITARY.

AND HAVE THEM GRAB US

BEFORE WE CAN GET TO THE GENERAL?

NO, BY DOG.

WE'LL REPORT TO GENERAL BUSH'S OFFICE

AND EXPLAIN TO HIM IN PERSON.

IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT, BEN. YOU'LL SEE.

EVERYTHING SEEMS HAPPY.

SOUNDS LIKE THEY'RE HAVING A BAND CONCERT.

OWW! WILL!

OH, IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT, BEN.

THEY'LL GIVE US SOME NEW UNIFORMS.

YEAH, WITH NUMBERS ON THE BACK.

NOW, GENERAL BUSH'S OFFICE IS WAY AROUND ON THE OTHER SIDE.

WE'LL JUST SLIP ALONG CAUTIOUS-LIKE

AND KEEP TO COVER ALONG THE BUILDINGS.

HOW ABOUT THAT?

IT'S SOME KIND OF REAL BIG CEREMONY.

LOOK! THE FLAG, IT'S AT HALF-MAST.

IT'S A FUNERAL CEREMONY. THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

LIEUTENANT BRIDGES AND THEM OTHERS,

THEY DIDN'T GET OUT OF THE PLANE.

NOW WE GOT THAT ON OUR HEADS, TOO.

OH, NOW, BEN, THEY WASN'T SO EASY GOING

THEY WOULDN'T KNOW THEY WAS ON FIRE.

COME ON. WE'LL FIND OUT WHEN WE REPORT TO THE GENERAL.

EVERYTHING WILL COME OUT REAL DANDY.

YEAH, SURE.

TEN DAYS AGO, IN OPERATION "PROMETHEUS,"

THE POWER OF THE ATOM BOMB WAS CHALLENGED

BY A BAND OF BATTLE-HARDENED AIR ACES.

WELL, BRUSH, MAN, BRUSH.

THAT'S GENUINE LEATHER.

HERE, WATCH THAT SLEEVE.

THE GRANDSTANDS ARE ALL FULL, SIR.

YOU'RE DARNED RIGHT THEY ARE.

THOSE MEN ARE ON DUTY.

ALL LEAVES WERE CANCELED TODAY.

SENATOR HAWK AND SENATOR WINKLE

HAVE JUST COME ONTO THE REVIEWING STAND

WITH GENERAL POLLARD, SIR.

GOOD. MY CAR HERE, BAKER?

I'M CERTAIN IT IS, SIR. I'LL CHECK IMMEDIATELY.

ABEL, SEE IF THOSE IDIOT OFFICERS

ARE ON HAND TO BE DECORATED.

YES, SIR.

"TWO DID NOT RETURN."

"TWO DID NOT RETURN."

IN THE SHATTERED TAIL OF THE PLANE,

ALL THAT REMAINED

WERE TWO CHARRED FLIGHT HELMETS

AND A HANDFUL OF DUST.

EXCUSE ME, SIR. I...

WHAT THE DEVIL ARE YOU MEN DOING HERE?!

WELL, YOU SEE, SIR, WE COME TO --

YOUR UNIFORM IS FILTHY, BOY!

I KNOW, SIR.

WE HITCHHIKED SOME, BUT WE HAD TO WALK A LOT --

PEOPLE ARE COMING FROM MILES AROUND --

GENERALS, SENATORS -- TO DO HOMAGE TO TWO ENLISTED MEN.

YOUR BROTHERS-IN-ARMS!

AND YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE ENOUGH COURTESY AND RESPECT

TO PUT ON A DECENT UNIFORM!

SIR, PLEASE, I'D LIKE TO TURN MYSELF IN.

HE DIDN'T JUMP, SIR. I PULLED HIM OUT.

THE CAR IS READY, SIR.

WHAT SQUADRON ARE YOU MEN IN?

THE 9th SQUADRON, SIR.

THE 9th? STACKPOLE AND WHITEHEAD'S OWN OUTFIT.

STOCKDALE AND WHITLEDGE, SIR.

WELL, WHOEVER THEY WERE.

NOW, YOU TWO ARE GOING

RIGHT BACK INTO THAT CONFERENCE ROOM

UNTIL I FINISH THIS CEREMONY.

AND THEN WE'LL SEE

IF WE CAN PUT A LITTLE DECENCY AND ESPRIT DE CORPS INTO YOU!

DIRTY UNIFORMS! TODAY OF ALL DAYS!

WELL, YOU MEN HEARD THE ORDERS.

GET IN THERE!

WELL, WE TURNED OURSELVES IN, I THINK.

YEAH. WAIT TILL HE FINDS OUT

THAT BESIDES WEARING DIRTY UNIFORMS, WE'RE DESERTERS.

WHOHHH...

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

LIEUTENANT BRIDGES ON THE BACK COVER!

"I WISHED YOU WOULD LOOK..."

Announcer: GENERAL BUSH HAS JUST TAKEN HIS PLACE

ON THE REVIEWING STAND.

AND NOW, THE FOUR LIEUTENANTS WHO BRAVED THE ATOMIC BLAST,

AND WHO WILL RECEIVE THE AIR MEDAL,

ARE BRAVELY MOUNTING THE PLATFORM.

THE LIEUTENANTS... THEY'RE ALIVE!

THEY'RE GETTING MEDALS! THEY'RE HEROES!

IF WE'D HAVE STAYED ON THE PLANE,

WE'D HAVE BEEN HEROES.

IT IS A SOLEMN MOMENT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

THE MANY VISITING DIGNITARIES STANDING AT ATTENTION,

THE FLAG AT HALF-MAST IN HONOR OF THE TWO MEN

WHO GAVE THEIR LIVES IN OPERATION "PROMETHEUS,"

PRIVATES STOCKDALE AND WHITLEDGE.

STOCKDALE AND WHITLEDGE?

YES, STOCKDALE AND WHITLEDGE.

NAMES THAT WILL LIVE AS LONG AS MEN ARE FREE.

WE ARE HEROES, BEN.

BUT WE AIN'T DEAD!

WELL, THAT MAKES IT EVEN BETTER, DON'T IT?

THEY THINK WE'RE HEROES,

AND WE'RE A COUPLE OF ROTTEN, NO-GOOD DESERTERS.

HA-HA! GOLLLLLY, WILL THEY BE SURPRISED!

THEY'LL KILL US.

THAT'S WHAT THEY'LL DO, THEY'LL KILL US.

I'M GOING CRAZY.

SEEING THINGS.

HOWDY, SERGEANT!

PRIVATE WHITLEDGE REPORTING FOR DUTY

AFTER AN UNFORSEEN DELAY, SIR.

I BET YOU NEVER EXPECTED TO SEE US AGAIN.

NO, NO, NO, NO!

DIDN'T I TELL YOU HE'D BE SURPRISED, BEN?

WHY AIN'T YOU DEAD?

NO EXCUSE, SIR.

YOU AIN'T DEAD. YOU AIN'T DEAD.

WELL, SEE, I HAD MY PARACHUTE ON.

I WAS THE ONE WHO IDENTIFIED YOUR REMAINS.

TWO CHARRED HELMETS AND A HANDFUL OF DUST.

THEY'RE HAVING A BIG CEREMONY DOWN THERE!

YEAH.

Bush: TEN DAYS AGO,

IN OPERATION "PROMETHEUS,"

THE POWER OF THE ATOM BOMB WAS CHALLENGED --

IS THAT THE GENERAL?

GENERAL.

IS HE GIVING US MEDALS?

MEDALS.

NOW, THERE YOU GO, BEN. DIDN'T I TELL YOU?

NOW, YOU BOYS GET BACK IN THAT ROOM AND SIT DOWN...

HEY, THAT AIN'T NO WAY TO ACT, SERGEANT.

HERE ME AND BEN IS ALIVE...

OH, I DON'T DESERVE THIS. I DON'T DESERVE THIS.

CAPTAIN! CAPTAIN! CAPTAIN!

WE'LL BE SHOT!

NO, IT'S JUST HE'S KIND OF SURPRISED RIGHT NOW.

LATER ON THEY'LL ALL BE GLAD WE'RE HERE.

YOU'LL SEE.

SERGEANT, WILL YOU -- WHAT'S THE MATTER?

ARE YOU NUTS?

NO...OHHH!

DON'T MOVE, YOU UNDERSTAND?

JUST DON'T MOVE!

DON'T MOVE OR I'LL HAVE YOU SHOT!

YOU, GET OVER TO THAT REVIEWING STAND

ON THE DOUBLE.

TELL THE GENERAL TO STOP PROCEEDINGS.

THERE'S RADIO, TELEVISION, AND NEWSREEL CAMERAS THERE.

IF HE GIVES OUT POSTHUMOUS MEDALS

TO TWO MEN WHO ARE STANDING RIGHT HERE IN HIS OWN OFFICE

HE'LL BE THE LAUGHINGSTOCK OF THE WHOLE COUNTRY!

STEP ON IT!

STAY AWAY FROM THOSE WINDOWS, YOU UNDERSTAND?

STAY AWAY FROM THOSE DOORS.

AND IF ANYBODY COMES IN HERE,

YOU TELL THEM YOU'RE... JOHN JONES AND JACK SMITH.

YOU GOT THAT?

YES, SIR.

THEY'RE GONNA KILL US.

THEY'RE GONNA KILL US!

NO, THEY AIN'T!

BREATHE DEEP.

WHAT THE HECK'S GOING ON HERE?

SERGEANT KING JUST JUMPED AN AIR POLICEMAN

AND STOLE HIS MOTORCYCLE.

THE TWO MEN WHO ARE GETTING THE POSTHUMOUS MEDALS

ARE INSIDE.

THE MEDALS?

NO, THE MEN.

YOU'RE DRUNK.

GO AHEAD, LOOK.

WHO ARE YOU?

I'M JOHN JONES AND THIS HERE IS JACK SMITH.

LISTEN, JIM, IF YOU'RE TRYING TO BE COMICAL,

IT'LL BE THE LAST TIME,

BECAUSE JOKES ABOUT THE DEAD

IS CARRYING IT A LITTLE BIT TOO FAR.

WELL, DID YOU STOP HIM IN TIME?

SIR, I REPORTED TO THE GENERAL

AND INFORMED HIM AS TO THE SITUATION

AND ADVISED HIM THAT UNDER THE VERY UNUSUAL CIRCUMSTANCES --

IN ENGLISH, YOU IDIOT!

HAD HE PRESENTED THE MEDALS OR HAD HE NOT?

YES, SIR, HE HAD, SIR.

HOLY!

WELL, WHAT DID HE SAY?

WELL, SIR, HE SAID --

Bush: I'LL COURT-MARTIAL EVERYBODY

IN THE WHOLE DAMNED AIR FORCE!

THAT'S WHAT HE SAID, SIR.

WHERE ARE THEY? WHERE ARE THEY?

WHERE ARE THOSE TWO PRIVATES

WHO HOLD MY CAREER IN THE PALM OF THEIR HANDS?

IN THERE, SIR.

YOU TWO!

YES, SIR.

WE GOT BACK AS QUICK AS WE COULD.

AND I SURE DO APPRECIATE YOU GIVING US MEDALS AND ALL,

AND SETTING THE FLAGS AT HALF-MAST.

WELL, I GOT THE WHOLE THING FIGURED OUT, TOO, SIR.

WELL, YOU KNOW THAT HANDFUL OF DUST

SERGEANT KING IS TALKING ABOUT?

WELL, THAT'S ALL IT WAS, A HANDFUL OF DUST.

IF I'D HAVE KNOWED YOU ALL WAS GONNA THINK IT WAS US,

I'D HAVE SWEPT IT UNDER A SEAT OR SOMETHING.

BUT ANYHOW, WHAT IT COMES DOWN TO

IS WE AIN'T DEAD.

TEN MINUTES AGO IN FRONT OF HALF THE BRASS

IN THE CONTINENTAL UNITED STATES,

I AWARDED THE AIR MEDAL TO A HANDFUL OF SWEEPINGS.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS GOING TO DO TO ME,

SERGEANT KING, WHEN THIS STORY GETS OUT?

SIR, I DIDN'T KNOW.

TOMORROW I WILL PROBABLY BE KNOWN

THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE PENTAGON AS "OLD DUSTPAN."

I'VE GOT TO GET THOSE MEN OFF MY BASE.

IF ANYBODY SEES THEM, IF ANYBODY HEARS THEM --

SIR, COULDN'T YOU TRANSFER THEM TO ANOTHER BASE?

SHUT UP!

WHAT?!

OH...Y-Y-Y-Y-YES.

YOU, GO OVER TO S-1

AND GET AS MANY DD-613 FORMS AS YOU CAN LAY YOUR HANDS ON.

YES, SIR.

YOU, GO OUT AND GET ANOTHER CAR

AND BRING IT AROUND BACK.

QUIETLY.

YES, SIR.

GET A COMMAND CAR AND PUT THE CURTAINS UP ALL AROUND.

Stockdale: WELL, THEY PUT US IN THIS HERE COMMAND CAR

AND TOOK US WAY OUT HERE IN THE WOODS,

REAL SECRET-LIKE,

WITH ALL KINDS OF GUARDS AROUND US AND EVERYTHING.

YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO. CHALLENGE EVERYBODY.

THE PASSWORD IS "NIGHTMARE."

"NIGHTMARE."

IF ANYBODY FAILS TO GIVE IT, SHOOT!

OKAY, SENTRIES, TAKE YOUR POSTS ON THE DOUBLE!

ARE YOU SURE WE'VE GOT THE WHOLE AREA SURROUNDED?

WELL, I THINK SO, SIR.

TO TELL THE TRUTH,

I'VE NEVER DONE ANYTHING LIKE THIS BEFORE.

WELL, DO YOU THINK I HAVE?

GENERAL, IT SURE IS EXCITIN', AIN'T IT?

WHERE'S BEN?

LOOK, YOU JUST STAND RIGHT OVER THERE

AND LET ME HANDLE THIS, PLEEEEASE.

WHAT THE DEVIL IS KEEPING GENERAL POLLARD?

ARE THE FORMS READY FOR HIM TO SIGN?

CORPORAL'S WORKING ON THEM, SIR.

THAT MUST BE POLLARD'S CAR NOW.

YES, SIR.

SPEED HIM UP.

YES, SIR.

HALT. ADVANCE AND GIVE THE PASSWORD.

GREAT SCOTT, THEY'VE SHOT POLLARD!

STOP! STOP!

EUGENE, TELL THESE IDIOTS TO STOP SHOOTING.

IT'S ME, VERNON!

GIVE THE PASSWORD!

I'VE FORGOTTEN THE DAMNED THING!

NIGHTMARE!

NIGHTMARE!

NIGHTMARE, YOU STUPID --

COME BACK HERE, YOU!

LOOK HERE, EUGENE,

YOU'RE CARRYING THIS THING A LITTLE TOO FAR.

I'M SORRY, VERNON, THE SENTRIES ARE NERVOUS.

NO REASON FOR THAT.

NIGHTMARE. NIGHTMARE!

WHAT'S THAT?

I'M SORRY, VERNON, IT'S THE OTHER DEAD HERO.

THE TALKATIVE ONE.

I PUT HIM IN THE TRUNK FOR TOTAL SECURITY.

BEN'S IN THE TRUNK? HOW ABOUT THAT?

GET HIM OUT, STOCKDALE.

YES, SIR.

LISTEN, EUGENE.

THEY COULD LOWER THE BOOM ON US

PULLING A DEAL LIKE THIS.

WE ARE IN TROUBLE, VERNON. CLEAR UP TO OUR PENSIONS.

NOW COME ON AND SIGN THOSE PAPERS.

HOWDY, BEN.

OHHH...I KNEW IT.

I KNEW IT.

THEY GOT US OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF NO MAN'S LAND.

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

I THINK IT'S KIND OF PLEASANT.

GOODBYE, WILL.

WE JUST GOT HERE, BEN.

AND WE AIN'T NEVER GOING BACK.

WILL, I-I-I-I KNOW YOU DIDN'T DO IT ON PURPOSE,

AND I KNOW THERE WASN'T NO MEANNESS BEHIND IT.

I FORGIVE YOU.

THEN WE'RE BUDDIES AGAIN?

FOR A LITTLE WHILE.

ALL RIGHT, WHITLEDGE, YOU FIRST.

SENTRY, TAKE HIM IN THERE,

HAVE HIM SIGN EVERYTHING IN TRIPLICATE.

BYE, WILL.

BYE, BEN.

GOLLY, IS HE GOING TO BE SURPRISED.

YOU KNOW, EVERYBODY'S ALL THE TIME SAYING

HOW SERGEANTS IS MEAN AND TOUGH,

SO I'M RIGHT GLAD YOU WAS MY FIRST ONE,

'CAUSE YOU SHOWED ME DIFFERENT.

THANK YOU, WILL.

ALL RIGHT, WILL,

I'M GONNA GIVE YOU THE WATCH ANYWAY.

OH, GEE, I NEVER HELD THAT AGAINST YOU.

OH, GO ON. TAKE IT.

MY MOTHER WOULD BE GLAD FOR YOU TO HAVE IT.

WE'RE SQUARE NOW.

I DON'T OWE YOU NOTHING, YOU DON'T OWE ME NOTHING.

WE'RE SQUARE.

UH, KING?

YEAH?

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH THAT WHITLEDGE?

HE KEEPS SAYING HE'S SORRY

HE HAS ONLY ONE LIFE TO GIVE FOR HIS COUNTRY.

HE FIGURES YOU BROUGHT US OUT HERE TO GET SHOT.

SHOT? SHOT?

RIDICULOUS. ALL THESE WITNESSES, VERNON.

TAKE A SMOKE.

ALL RIGHT, STOCKDALE,

I JUST HAVE A COUPLE OF LETTERS FOR YOU TO SIGN

AND THEN WE'LL BE THROUGH WITH THE WHOLE MESS.

THIS ONE'S TO YOUR FOLKS

SAYING THAT YOU'RE ON A VERY IMPORTANT SECRET MISSION.

THIS ONE CERTIFIES

YOU NEVER HEARD OF OPERATION "PROMETHEUS,"

AND HAVE NEVER BEEN ON MY BASE

IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE.

SIGN HERE.

BUT, IF WE NEVER HEARD OF OPERATION WHATCHACALLIT,

WE DON'T GET NO MEDALS, DO WE?

MEDALS? OF COURSE NOT. SIGN HERE.

BEN, HE SETS A WHOLE LOT OF STOCK

IN MEDALS AND THINGS LIKE THAT.

YOU WANT ME TO PRESENT A MEDAL

OUT IN THE WOODS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?

THAT'S RIGHT!

HEY, WE CAN GET EVERYBODY STANDING UP ALL AROUND

AN TURN ONE OF THE CARS AROUND SO THE LIGHTS IS SHINING.

HEY, MAYBE GET A LITTLE MUSIC ON THE RADIO.

NO, NO, I DON'T HAVE ANY MEDALS!

COME BACK HERE!

I DIDN'T BRING ANY MEDALS!

NOW WHAT? I WANT TO GET TO BED.

YOU HEAR ME? I SAID I DIDN'T HAVE ANY...!

OHHHHHH...

WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT?

VERNON, OLD MAN,

I WONDER IF YOU'D GIVE ME... ONE OF YOUR MEDALS?

WHAT?

JUST ONE, VERNON. PLEASE?

YOU'VE GOT SO MANY OF THEM.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, EUGENE?

STOCKDALE WANTS A MEDAL.

THAT DOES IT! HE GOES TO LEAVENWORTH!

NO, NO! WE MIGHT GO WITH HIM.

VERNON, IF YOU GIVE ME ONE OF YOURS,

I'LL GIVE YOU TWO OF MINE.

I SWEAR I WILL.

BUT THESE MEDALS ARE SEWN ON!

SEWN?

HIS MEDALS ARE SEWN ON.

I GOT MY MUMBLE-PEG KNIFE.

JUST A SMALL ONE, PLEASE, VERNON.

I'LL DO THIS IN PRIVATE, IF YOU DON'T MIND?!

Radio announcer: THIS IS RADIO STATION W-Q-U-I-D

NOW PRESENTING A MEDLEY OF YOUR FAVORITE BAND MUSIC.

THERE'S NOTHING ELSE YOU CAN THINK OF

AT THIS MOMENT, IS THERE?

YOU DO REALIZE WHY WE DON'T HAVE A BRASS BAND,

DON'T YOU?

OH-HAH, I WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT THAT NONE, SIR.

THIS HERE WILL DO FINE.

I'LL JUST GET EVERYBODY LINED UP OVER HERE.

YOU ALL COME ON IIIINNNN! EVERYBODY COME ON IIIINNNN!

Bush: ON THE DOUBLE! COME ON, LINE UP, BOYS.

ON THE DOUBLE!

I'VE BEEN BLACKMAILED, I'VE BEEN SHANGHAIED,

I'VE BEEN SHOT AT, AND NOW I'VE BEEN ROBBED!

BY DOG! BOY, BEN'S GONNA POP HIS SHIRT

WHEN BOTH OF YOU GENERALS SNAP TO ATTENTION.

DO WHAT?

VERNON, PLEASE?

NEVER!

I'LL STAND AT ATTENTION.

I'LL STAND ON MY HEAD

IF YOU'LL JUST SIGN THESE PAPERS.

I'LL GO FETCH BEN.

YOU HAVE THE ORDERS TO READ?

YES, SIR, I HAVE THEM.

GOOD.

COME ON, BEN.

NO, WILL.

DON'T THEY GIVE YOU ONE LAST REQUEST OR SOMETHING?

ALL RIGHT, YOU ASKED FOR IT.

COME OUT AND GET IT!

THAT'S RIGHT, BEN.

NOW, STRUT RIGHT UP TO THE GENERAL AND SALUTE.

HE'S GOT SOMETHING HE'S GONNA GIVE YOU.

I KNOW. GOODBYE, WILL.

KING.

"THE FOLLOWING ENLISTED MEN ARE HEREBY RELIEVED OF DUTY

"AND REMOVED FROM THE RECORDS OF MAJOR GENERAL EUGENE BUSH

"AND TRANSFERRED TO THE COMMAND

"OF MAJOR GENERAL VERNON I. POLLARD,

U.S. ARMY INFANTRY."

WHAT?

PRIVATE BENJAMIN B. WHITLEDGE.

PRIVATE WILL STOCKDALE.

WE'RE IN THE INFANTRY, BEN!

THE INFANTRY?

SO LONG, BOYS.

IT'S BEEN SWELL KNOWING YOU.

SO LONG, SERGEANT.

WISH I COULD BE GOING ALONG WITH YOU,

BUT...THAT'S LIFE.

HEY, COULDN'T HE, SIR?

COULDN'T HE GO ALONG WITH US?

BRILLIANT IDEA, STOCKDALE.

BRILLIANT!

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

WE ARE STILL GONNA BE TOGETHER!

IN THE INFANTRY!

WHAT HAPPENED?

DETAIL, ATTENTION!

THAT'S ONE THING I WON'T DO.

STATION WQUID SIGNING OFF.

IT GIVES ME GREAT PLEASURE TO AWARD THIS AIR MEDAL,

WHICH THROUGH A REGRETTABLE ERROR,

WAS PREVIOUSLY AWARDED POSTHUMOUSLY

TO PRIVATE BENJAMIN B. WHITLEDGE,

U.S. ARMY INFANTRY.

ATTENTION!