Original subtitles

Look, here's my plan. I make a video of my proposal,

and I get the airline to play it on the flight back from your wedding.

How can you leave Saturday? The wedding is Saturday.

- I know, but-- - This is a bad plan.

I'm trying to propose to my ex-wife, and the proposal is on this video.

Jude, if you love, please, please look at the video screen.

So, will you marry me, or should I just let myself out the nearest exit?

Yes.

- Yes, I should jump, or-- - Yes, I'll marry you.

Hallelujah.

Toby, you look beautiful.

Look at you. You're literally glowing.

- Do you enjoy torturing me? - Excuse me?

First you hum that stinkin' song as if to say, "I'm getting married and you're not."

Then you tell me I'm glowing, as if to say "you're pregnant and I'm not."

Then you send me this wedding invitation

as if to say, "I'm sending you a wedding invitation and you're not."

You may be reading into things just a...

And look how it's addressed. Ms. Toby Pedalbee and Mr. Irwin Bader.

How could you write that?

Because that's your name?

Maybe if you would have addressed it to Mr. And Mrs. Irwin Bader,

he might have got the hint and coughed up a ring.

Instead, he coughed up this. Read it.

Home, home on the missile range.

Minuteman Estates at White Sands, New Mexico.

His company wants him to move there and manage it.

You know what, Toby, why don't you...

Try to be friendly.

...take the day off?

In fact, take the rest of the week off.

I want you to be every bit as happy as I am.

Marty. Funny I should find you here.

As opposed to in my desk drawers where you're looking.

You're awfully chipper this morning.

I'll guess you haven't seen this morning's paper.

I didn't have time to pick one up. Judith and I were...

- ...waiting for the cable guy. - Ah. You can take my copy.

I've already had my morning giggle.

Oh! That's very sweet of you.

This is a joke, right?

Amusing, yes. A joke, I'm afraid not.

Too bad too. I was looking forward to your wedding.

Isn't often that your most loyal man servant joins in holy matrimony.

Of course, it's not all bad news.

At least now I won't have to buy you a gift.

- How can this be? - Last week,

when I was changing the contact paper on Dr. Stone's filing cabinets,

I came across some lab notes from some cryogenic experiments

that Dr. Stone must have secretly been conducting.

You do know what cryogenics is, don't you?

Little tiny turkeys in straw hats?

Please. I'm not stupid.

Mm hmm.

Well, anyway, your husband was able to freeze and revive

a syphilitic rhesus monkey.

Using his notes, there's a chance we could thaw your husband,

replace his faulty kidney and restore him to his previous greatness.

I'm sorry. I'm just happy.

I haven't been this happy

since Dr. Stone called me by my first name at my mother's funeral.

Now, if you'll just sign this consent form, we can proceed with the procedure.

- Ah. - Jude, maybe we should...

...discuss this first.

- Are you gonna? - I don't know. Maybe.

Uh. Or maybe not.

Well, it's not up to me. But I really think you should...

...Not get your hopes up because there's a chance this might not work.

I can't bear to see you go through that.

Well, you know I can't just think about me.

Think about what Richard could do for the world.

End hunger, find a cure for AIDS.

Perfect that car that he developed that runs on coffee grounds.

That may be, but isn't it time the world stopped relying on Richard

and learned to solve its own problems?

How else will it grow?

God, I just wish he were here so I could ask him what to do.

I hate him. I hate him.

Jude, if I were frozen, I'd want to rest in peace

and let you get on with your life.

Yeah, I need to think about this for a while.

Of course. Of course. Take your time. Maybe wait until...

A million years.

...they try it out on some more monkeys first.

I was this close to being happy. This close. I hate technology.

No good ever comes of it.

Well, everything happens for a reason.

Maybe this is your punishment for missing my wedding.

Would you let that go already?

Or maybe it's just a sign that you shouldn't get married at all.

I mean, think about it. The same woman every day for the rest of your life?

That could be pretty monotonous.

Then why'd you get married?

Oh! I-- I'm very happy.

It's just not for some guys. How old do you think she is? I'm thinking 22

because she still has that distinct interface between buttocks and hamstrings. Mm!

Are you even listening to me?

Do you understand the scope of this problem?

Okay, okay, fine.

In my opinion, there's only one way to handle this situation.

- And that is? - Well, you just gotta march yourself in there

and tell Judith that she made a binding promise to you.

And that if she breaches it, that you're going to sue her butt.

I have to take control of the situation and not let it control me.

Exactly. Good for you.

Hey, listen, if Richard does come back,

do you think you could get him to come on my show?

That'll be all, Eddie.

Judith? W--

Wait, wait, wait. No. We have to talk.

What's going on?

The lab notes I found are all forgeries.

This whole thing's been nothing but just a cruel hoax.

Oh, my God. That's terrible.

Would you like another glass of Ovaltine?

No. I just want to die.

I can arrange it.

I feel your pain.

Yes, I know. It's been a very, very difficult week.

Anyway, bye-bye now.

Good riddance.

Judith.

Jude. Are you okay?

Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

I had a feeling this might happen.

Let's just put all this ugliness behind us and-- and try to...

try move forward.

Yeah.

We've nothing more to fear from the invisible man.

♪ We're gonna have a wedding, wedding, wedding ♪

♪ We're gonna have a wedding today ♪

♪ Gonna be a wedding, wedding ♪

Well, well, well.

Look what I found in the sink.

You know, if you really wanted a divorce, all you had to do was ask.

A divorce?

Why would I want a divorce?

Eddie, honey, relax. I was just joking.

Right. So was I.

Then what do you think?

Top on like this?

Or... top off?

- Huh? - Top on?

Or top off?

Top on. Uh... We wouldn't want everyone to look at you instead of Judith, would we?

So sweet. Then would you zip me up?

There you go.

Locks out air, locks in freshness.

Something wrong, Toblerone?

I know you're taking the Minuteman Estates job.

I heard you say so while I happened to be listening in on the other phone.

So, when were you going to tell me?

I wanted to surprise you?

How? By sneaking out in the middle of the night like the Baltimore Colts?

Come with me, To-Boat. I've got our house all picked out.

It's number twelve, Defcon one terrace.

And once we're settled, we can talk about m-- m...

- Taking the next step. - No way.

It's bad enough you want the milk for free.

Now you want to move the entire dairy? I got news for you.

I'm not going anywhere without a ring on my finger.

An engagement ring. Catch my drift?

In large part.

Martin, we already missed Eddie's wedding. Let's not miss ours.

I'm almost ready. I'm looking for my lucky wedding socks.

Let's not bring that up again.

Dream On will be right back.

Oh, mom, it looks beautiful. Doesn't it, Martin--

Martin?

Well, we're going to have the photographs over there.

Ceremony will be here.

We have a bar here, a bar there, a bar there,

a bar there and there and there.

And waiters will be circulating with cocktails.

Well, Di, you've always known how to...

Drink it down! Drink it down. Drink it down!

...entertain.

What are you doing here? The wedding doesn't start for 2 hours.

We want to make sure we got a good parking space.

We have valet parking. It's right on the invitation.

Just what I need. Some snot nose kid in my car

rearranging my mirror and stealing change from the ashtray.

So today is the big day.

For a while we thought it wouldn't happen,

what with the news about defrosting the other husband.

Well, that's all behind us now.

Oh, lucky for you, you dodged a bullet. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Just in case you're too busy to find any time for us later,

this is from Uncle Manny and me.

And Aunt Sadie.

Aw...

We had to give him a cheque, huh?

You couldn't give him something personal like an electric carving knife?

He could buy a carving knife with that. Almost.

Uh... Thank you.

Can I get you anything?

Me? No, I'm fine.

There you are. I've been looking all over for you.

I was just getting ready for the pictures.

You know, Judith didn't tell me

that Senator Harrison was performing the wedding.

Kind of ironic, actually, since he just left his wife for a 19 year old waitress.

Whoo! What a pig. Some people.

Judith, darling, you remember Senator Harrison.

Of course. We met when Richard won the congressional medal of Honor.

And this, of course, is, uh...

This is Martin Tupper.

A pleasure.

You are a very, very lucky man to be here today.

Really? Really. How's that?

Just because you've landed such a wonderful woman,

The state requires that you both sign this marriage license

in the presence of a wedding official.

In this case, me.

Thank you.

So if you'll just sign this consent form, we can proceed with the procedure.

No, not that again! I can't take it.

Martin?

Huh?

Uh... Oh, right!

Right, right. I was just...

- Seeing things. - ...admiring your pen.

It's perfect for drafting legislation.

Anyone can build a pool.

But at white sand, each house will have its own missile crater

that's been turned into a freshwater pond suitable for swimming,

boating, whatnot and so forth.

How could you not want to marry me?

It's not because I'm carrying another man's child, is it?

No. No. And no.

You fully disclosed that to me when we entered into our arrangement.

I just need a little more time.

More time? I got news for you, pal.

I can give you a lot of things. Love, sex, the best chocolate pudding you ever had.

But I'm a little short on time,

because I am three weeks away from turning 41,

two weeks away from becoming a single mother

and one second from screaming.

If you or anyone ask me for more time again...

Excuse me. Do you have the time?

That's it. We're finished.

Move to New Mexico. I'm moving out.

Judith, darling, somehow you look younger than at your first wedding.

Thank you, Ernie. So do you.

New rug. Don't tell.

You know, I almost scheduled another job for today

when I read about that Richard Stone thing.

My deepest sympathies, by the way.

But at least there was a happy ending for Martin, anyway.

Could we start, please?

Wait. Let's do boy, girl, boy girl.

Mommy, go over and stand next to Richard.

What did you say?

I asked my mother to stand next to you.

No, no. You asked her to stand next to Richard.

Well, no, you must have misheard me.

Don't tell me what I heard or didn't hear.

Jeremy. What did your mother say?

I'm sorry. I wasn't listening, Richard.

Richard, could you turn your head a little to the right?

Perfect, Richard.

Richard, are you okay, you look a little flushed.

Okay, everybody happy thoughts.

Smile and say, Richard!

I have a nasty temper, though I keep it in control.

Shut up!

Shut up. Shut up. All of you, just shut up.

Mind your tongue, Dick.

Could I talk to you, please?

Martin, what is wrong with you? Are you drunk or just insane?

Why did you save the consent form?

- What? - The consent form.

I found it right in your underwear drawer.

Right there next to your... your underwear.

I must have put it there and then forgotten about it.

What's the difference? It's totally moot.

It's only moot because it's not an issue anymore.

But what if it weren't moot? I mean, What would you have done?

I don't know. I suppose it would have depended on the odds of success, okay?

No. Assume that signing would have guaranteed to bring Richard back.

I mean, Would you have signed?

Well, if I definitely could have brought him back, but didn't...

Well, that would have been like killing him.

So, um, if you're asking me if I would have killed him, the answer is no.

Why not? I'd kill someone if you asked me to.

- What? - Just kill him like that?

Well, I am as flattered as I am troubled by that.

Now, let's go, because people are waiting.

- Your wish is my command. - I'm not finished.

Let's just say that they brought Richard back.

I mean, would you still be marrying me?

I'm going to get you a valium. Okay?

I need to know, Jude, I cannot marry you until I know.

Would you have picked Richard or me?

Just, please, the truth.

Okay.

If Richard were still alive, then he and I would still be married.

And since kidney failure isn't grounds for divorce, and bigamy isn't legal,

then I guess you and I wouldn't be getting married.

- I see. - But Richard isn't alive.

And I am marrying you.

And, Martin, I love you.

You've said enough. I have my answer.

And?

And...

This be forever, baby.

And forever fare thee well.

I can live with that.

Who gives this woman in lawful matrimony.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. My water. It's broken.

All over my good shoes.

Gonna burst right out of me. Like the alien in that movie. Alien.

Toby, try to keep it in. The paramedics are on their way.

Quick, quick. Let's take her to the front of the house.

- That way she'll be... - Out of here.

- ...Closer to the ambulance. - Good idea.

- Don't touch me. - Bader, do something, will you?

Toby, I want to marry you right now.

What? No Topo Gigio of mine will bear a love child.

It's better your baby be born a Bader.

Well, you better hurry up. I think that's his head.

- Mm. - Whoo!

That's got to hurt.

I'll let you know in about seven and a half months.

I just found out yesterday.

You're pregnant. With my child?

Well, you're the only one I've had sex within the past year,

so, yeah, I'd say so.

Is either of you a priest?

Well, get me one, pronto!

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

Now you charming and patient people,

who do you guess is gonna come out and try it again?

Marriage is a state not to be entered into lightly.

Or in haste.

For heaven's sake, I'm in the middle of a confession!

Do you, Martin Tupper, promise to take this woman

- as your lawfully wedded- - I do.

Um, I think there's more.

All right.

Sorry.

...Wife.

To love, honor, and respect him,

for richer or for poorer, in sickness and health 'til death do you part?

I do.

If any person knows of any reason

why this couple should not be joined together in lawful matrimony,

speak now or forever hold your peace.

No one objects, so let's move it along.

By the power vested in me by the Congress of the United States

and this fine state of Connecticut,

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

I now pronounce you husband and wife!

We can kiss some other time.

It's a girl.

Really?

My mother owes me 50 bucks.

Once upon a time there was a Princess and a prince charming.

- Who was not a prince. - But who was charming.

And they lived happily ever after.

It's alive! It's alive! It's alive!