Original subtitles

We start from the andante, please.

Bravo! Bravissimo!

That was great.

We should have a dinner party.

Excuse me?

The last few weekends, we had dinner with the Lustmans

and the Muriyamas, and the Ollins,

and we should reciprocate.

That's what you were thinking about while we were just--

No, no, no, no, you were wonderful.

God, I'm still tingling.

Uh, we'll do it on the 20th,

because the 13th is a long weekend

and the 27th is some Jewish holiday.

- Okay? - I can hardly wait.

Fine, I'll see if Eddie's free.

Why?

Isn't Eddie invited? What?

I can't have anyone from my team?

- It's all couples. - He'll bring a date.

Yeah, like the one he brought to the Arts Foundation dinner?

- Oh... - Okay, so no date.

But, uh, we'll put him at the kids' table.

Look, you can see Eddie anytime, just not on the 20th.

Fine.

Or on the 10th, we have plans with the Broders.

The 18th is the Gordons.

Uh, 25th and 26th are bad.

I will never see him again in my life.

Hey, bud.

Can't you knock?

- I've got an open marker here. - Sorry.

Guess what my new assistant just gave me.

- Nice little crabs. - I don't know, an apple?

No, this.

A 1970 NBA championship

on Laser Disc narrated by Marv Albert.

Tonight, game one, my place,

big screen, pizza, beer.

Yes!

No, Eddie, I can't.

You know, I have plans.

Well, blow them off!

I would, I would, but it's Judith.

- You know, she's got-- - A neck?

Right, right, and inside the neck are inflamed tonsils.

- You know, and she can't even talk. - Oh.

Judith called, she wants you to bring home some wine for the party tonight.

If you want, my cousin can get you a deal on a case.

Yeah, you know, the labels are scraped off,

but you can still tell the white from red.

You are so full of shit. You're having another one of those

little couple get-togethers, aren't you?

Are you calling me a liar?

Judith called again. She says she's gonna sit everybody at the party

boy, girl, boy, girl,

not husbands on one side, wives on the other.

Okay, okay, so I lied.

Truth is, Judith didn't invite you because she didn't want you to feel uncomfortable.

- It's one of those couple get-togethers. - That's okay. That's okay.

If you were the single guy

and I were the fair-weathered friend,

I might do the same, but probably not.

That's no way to treat an old friend.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Eddie.

Eddie, come on. Come on.

Eddie, I want you to come. You know, we both do.

You know Judith, and sometimes she just,

you know, she cares too much,

but please, please be calm.

No, no, I wouldn't wanna be a seventh wheel.

Actually, you'd be the ninth wheel,

but you wouldn't be because you're Eddie Charles, right?

You'd be the hub of the wheel. The rest of us would just be, like, eight spokes.

Well, if it's not too much trouble.

Of course not. Of course not.

I'll just call Judith and we'll just, you know, set another place.

What are you doing?

Uh, just setting another place, you know, in case somebody pops in.

- Pops in? Who pops in? - People.

You know, a neighbor, your sister,

I don't know, Eddie, or an old colleague of yours.

- You invited Eddie. - No. No.

But you know Eddie.

He's impulsive and unpredictable and...

- Hey! - ...he's here.

- Am I early? - No, no, look.

He brought a cheese wheel.

Hub of the wheel, cheese wheel.

This is gonna be great.

It took me three months to pick a pediatrician,

and then he goes and retires on me.

I got a guy for you. You are gonna love him.

- Better than Miller? - Oh.

He's in there without a whip or a gun.

Federer is the pediatricians' pediatrician.

Eddie's got a great story about a pediatrician.

Go ahead, tell them.

Well, actually, it's about a podiatrist.

And his name was, get this,

Dr. Footlick.

Footlick?

Footlick. He was a foot doctor.

I mean, that's like having a proctologist named Buttlick.

Wait.

Isn't Dr. Federer the guy that they flew to Washington

to treat Chelsea Clinton's prickly heat?

- Exactly. - Oh, he is the best.

You know who makes great bouillabaisse? Jamie Vane.

Of course, that's because Chris bought her a Viking range.

Uh-oh, here it comes.

She wants me to spend $25,000 to remodel the kitchen

because, quote, "Our ice tastes funny."

- Come on, honey. It does. - It doesn't.

Did anyone catch my show yesterday?

Well, anyway, Shirley Jones proceeds to make the scale model

of The Partridge Family bus out of mashed potatoes.

We don't watch actual TV programs,

just two-second snippets.

Dean has domain over the remote.

I call him Colonel Clicker.

I have to have domain over something. You annexed all the closets.

We put in three walk-in closets. I get a hanger and a hook.

Well, anyway, Marty Eagle starts to make this gravy--

At least you have a hanger.

I've got four Armani suits stuffed in a gym bag.

Oh.

So, where's your wife tonight?

Did you see him play Saturday night? Come on. He's awesome.

I never saw anybody dominate the low post like that.

Hey, hey! Are you talking about Ewing? I was just at the game in Miami.

"Ewing in the paint! Unstoppable!"

Actually, we're talking about Dean's son.

He's tearing up the Tom Thumb League.

Yeah, well, he's scored two already.

He really should be in the Jiminy Cricket division.

Oh, good for him.

You know, I'm just gonna--

Never mind.

Oh, no! You can't do that!

You can't give up, Eddie. You just can't!

Hey! Where are you going?

Oh, somewhere where I'm a little less out of place,

like a KKK rally.

What do you mean? You fit in like a...

- Black sheep. - ...a finger in a dike.

Look, I don't belong here.

I have way too much closet space.

I-- I'll just talk to you, you know, whenever.

Eddie!

Something's come between us.

I don't want that to happen.

Bud, we're old friends.

I think we're gonna be all right.

Look at this dog.

- Hey! Hey! - I forgot,

Maura Kramer called this morning that they owe us a dinner.

Oh. Can't we just take it in cash?

- No. - Hey!

- Hi! - I thought that was you.

Oh, Martin, look who it is!

Never seen her before in my life.

Hey, hey, it's you.

You know, Martin, I haven't seen you since the Christmas party.

Right, the Christmas party, yeah, I was...

Drunk as usual.

...there, and you were there.

- You look great. - Thank you, so do you.

Are you still at the magazine?

Yes, actually, I just did the greatest cover story.

- I hope you get a chance to read it. - I will, I promise. How's Roger?

Yeah, how is old Roger? He's a great guy.

- I broke up with him. - Good move. It was about time.

Yeah, actually, I have sworn off investment bankers.

I decided that anyone that can refer to sex

as a hostile takeover is not for me.

Excuse me.

Ah, good for you, Rema.

I have just the man for you.

Hey, hey, Rema, don't you wanna do a dinner?

In fact, how about our place, eight o'clock on Friday?

- Oh, great. - Sounds great.

I'll bring dessert.

Great, I'll bring my friend Eddie.

And then we'll be four, you know, like Lou Gehrig's number.

- I'll see you then. - I'll see you in there.

- I'll hold you a seat. - Okay.

What? What?

- What, it's-- it's perfect. - Next, please.

What could they possibly have in common other than the fact that they're both Black

and then they both have seen you drunk?

Come on, Jude. What did we have in common before we met?

Look, it's just one dinner. I think Eddie's really gonna like her.

She's 37?

- That's old enough to be-- - Appropriate?

Come on, Eddie, she's very successful.

She writes for Homebody Magazine.

Oh, great, great. We can make tea cozies out of old pajamas.

I did that on last week's show with Lloyd Bridges.

See? See? It's the perfect ice breaker.

Isn't it time you dated someone of your own stature, or at least of your own generation?

Look, I'm happy with my life.

I like going to clubs that open at midnight.

I like the women I date, especially, uh--

What the fuck is her name?

Come on, Eddie, it's just one dinner.

- You know, I... - I've ordered two daiquiris.

One for you and one for me.

I miss you.

...I'll serve macaroni and cheese.

All right, fine, fine. But the minute she starts to have a hot flash,

I'm out the door.

Really?

You are clearly the heart of that show.

- The blonde-- - Christy.

- Christy, Christy. She has got to be-- - Dumber than a throw pillow?

Exactly.

You remember you did that-- The Civil War week.

That poor thing. She kept referring to the north...

As General Lou Grant's army.

Can you believe it?

Yes, indeed, a lovely couple.

- Did you remember that? - Yeah.

Eddie, isn't your daughter a history major at Ithaca State?

- You have a daughter? - Yeah, that, a Range Rover, and a summer house.

Yeah, her name is Linda. She's pre-med.

- You should see this house-- - It is the most amazing story.

They never even met until she was, what, 20 years old?

Then I'll assume that you're not still married to her mother.

No, never was.

He was married to someone else, but it didn't work out either.

Yeah, my marriage was a lot like the Civil War.

Bitter, costly, but in the end, I was a free man.

Rema, why don't you go in the kitchen and put the finishing touches on

that beautiful dessert that you brought?

And, Eddie, why don't you help her finish touching?

Oh, yeah. Sure.

You know, that is a gorgeous outfit.

- You look so good in green. Always had. - Yeah, we'll be right back.

Yeah, it's just those three little words, "fab-u-lous," right?

- What the hell are you doing? - What?

I'm just trying to give Rema the complete picture.

The only thing you left out is that Eddie had chlamydia freshman year.

Just sit down. Sit down. Look, Rema's a big girl, okay?

She can take care of herself.

Besides, they're getting along great.

Well, I don't know. Sure, they're being real polite to each other,

but so were the Von Bülows, and look what happened to Sunny.

You're right. You're right.

Look at them, like oil and water.

Martin, this isn't a competition.

Good, good, because you would have lost.

Um, I really should be getting home.

I've got to rewrite an article on buttons.

Yeah, I should go, too.

I got an early morning show to do on Monday.

- Uh, you need a ride? - If it's not too much trouble.

Well, thanks for coming.

I had a great time. Thank you.

- Let's do it again real soon. - Thanks a lot.

- Okay. Night. - Okay.

Be careful out there, okay?

It worked. It worked.

Can you put some more anti-shine on my forehead?

I look like I'm wearing a miner's hat.

- Hey! - Hey!

Hey, Bud. Good to see you.

- What's up? - Not much. Where you been?

I left you, like, five messages last week.

- Three minutes. - Yeah, Rema and I have been

doing some gardening at our place in Connecticut.

We've been working mostly on the snap peas.

- That sounds serious. - Oh, man, she is great.

We haven't spent a night apart since we met.

Great, well, welcome to the world of couples.

It's this whole thing about owing dinners, right?

- And you owe us one, so how about the 23rd? - The 23rd.

Would you sit still? Unless you wanna look like a road map.

No, man. The 23rd is no good.

- We're going antiquing. - Okay.

Uh, well, how about the 24th?

24th, we're taking Rema's parents to the Opera.

Hey, what about me?

All right, look. Let's--

Okay, the 30th is open, okay? I'll make the reservations, you pay the charge.

No, no, man. The 30th is no good.

Uh, it's our one-month anniversary.

I'm taking her to the Bahamas.

What Bahamas, all it says here

is "Respect for the aged day, Japan."

Ah, well...

now it's official.

Besides, I already got the tickets, and they're non-refundable, so...

Okay. Okay, when you get next year's refill pages, let me know, okay?

Maybe I can see you for five minutes.

- Ready, Mr. Charles. - Look, man, I got to go. I'll tell you what.

When I get back from the Bahamas, we'll all go out.

The four of us, I promise.

You and your big ideas, they never work.

- Hey. - Hey.

Enjoy yourself?

As much as one can when one pees.

Well, good.

Because I want you to be happy tonight.

And every night. And day.

Excuse me.

Your waiter will be right with you.

Thank you.

Hello, Tupper, eight o'clock for two, please.

Do you have a reservation?

I'm just guessing, but it's probably under Tupper, eight o'clock for two.

Ah, yes. Here it is.

My mistake. I put it under snide.

Follow me, please.

- Oh, sh... - Honey, are you all right?

You seem a little fidgety.

No, it's just that, you know,

I was thinking about how great my life

has been with you so far.

Oh, gosh.

Well, you know what I'm in the mood for?

Swordfish.

I don't fucking believe it.

Well, I don't have to have swordfish.

Oh, no. No, it's Rema and Eddie.

He's-- He's--

Like a snake or a lizard or something.

He's here. And he told me they were going to the Bahamas.

No, no, no. Don't go over there.

They look like they wanna be alone.

Well, they can be alone with us.

It's just that ever since I met you, it's been like,

I don't know, a whole new person in my life.

- Martin, hi. - Hi.

I'm surprised to see you guys. The food here is great,

but it's kind of a hike from the Caribbean.

By this, I'm guessing you mean why don't we join you?

- Okay. Jude? - It's okay with me.

But we're gonna have to turn you down

because there's not enough chairs here.

No problem. You can join us, shall we?

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Sweetheart, we'll be right back.

Okay.

Look, man.

Look, you are being a real asshole.

I'm being an asshole? I'm not the one who lied.

I'm not the one who's been avoiding me.

- Hey. Can I speak for a second? - Go. Go.

I don't know what you could possibly say to de-asshole yourself.

- Go ahead. - It's just that--

Look, I was about to ask Rema to marry me, asshole.

- You're kidding. - Does this look like I'm kidding?

Fuck.

Does this look like I'm kidding?

Eddie, you met this woman, like, Tuesday.

I know I've only known her for a month, but I feel like I've known her my whole life.

That'd be true if you were a month old, but you're not.

You're not. You're hundreds of months old.

Excuse me, but I'm going to have to ask you gentlemen

either to step aside or to start folding napkins.

Come on.

Look, look, all I'm saying is it might not be such a good idea.

You rushed into marrying Jeanette, right?

- Look what happened there. - Who the hell are you to give advice?

You've been in and out of the same fucked-up relationship the last 20 years.

- We're not talking about me. - Oh.

You think you know yourself, right?

Believe me, I know you better. And I'm concerned.

I'm concerned, Eddie. I'm concerned that maybe Rema's not your-- your type.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

- You set me up with her. - That was so we could hang out.

Oh, really? I thought you may have wanted to see me happy.

Yeah, yeah, that too. Oh, Eddie, Rema's terrific.

I'm telling you, pretty soon you're gonna rediscover your taste for...

- Ranky-tanky. - ...women not Rema's type.

When you got engaged to Judith, did I tell you that she was a stuck up flat-chested bitch?

No. It wasn't my place.

Okay. You know what I think? This is all a reaction to me getting back with Judith.

And who the hell asked you?

Eddie, I know what it's like to be 40 and alone.

I know, but you shouldn't panic.

You know what I think? I think you should go fuck yourself, asshole.

That's gratitude.

Martin.

We really have to get Eddie and Rema an engagement present.

We've got a year, okay? It can wait.

I know you're upset, but sometimes, a person's feelings,

however valid they may seem, can prevent them from perceiving an objective reality.

Hold on, I'm just gonna grab my shrink-to-English dictionary.

- Okay? - All right, I guess what I'm saying is Eddie's right.

You're being an asshole.

They both speak with the tongue of the snake.

What are you taking his side for?

He's the one that called you a stuck up flat-chested bitch.

Well, I'm sure that he was just upset.

Anyway, you know, things are changing.

He's in a new relationship. You're in a new relationship.

Sort of.

But if you want the friendship to last,

you're gonna have to learn to adjust and accept those changes.

No, no thanks.

- Talk to him. - I don't think so, no.

Martin, just talk to him.

All right.

Okay.

And when you do, tell him I think he's shallow

and dresses like a pimp.

Hey.

It was a great show.

I didn't even know Bert Young had an exercise video.

I got you this engagement present, you know.

I think you're gonna love it.

- Okay. - Well, what is it?

Uh, well, it makes jam.

Or bread, or...

I don't know. Judith got it.

You know, but it's the best, you know.

It's got these digital numbers and all this and...

Eddie.

I'm sorry.

Well, you should be.

I-- I just didn't want you to rush into anything.

Yeah, me?

Remember what you said to me the night you met Judith?

Uh...

No, no, but it probably had something to do with you owing me pot.

You said, "I'm gonna marry this woman."

And I thought that would never happen to me, that I would never be that sure.

And then I met Rema.

And I figured if anyone would understand, you would.

He's got more brains and a bigger heart than anyone I know.

And I should have listened to him.

He's the best friend I ever had.

You're right.

You're right, and I'm very, very happy for you.

How long are you gonna stay mad at me, anyway?

Until I'm not mad at you anymore.

I'm still gonna be your best man, right?

I mean, I better. I mean, you don't have any brothers, you know.

- And I'm your only friend. - Oh, really? What about Sheldon Gollin?

- He would've never yelled at me at the restaurant. - No, no, no, no.

Big Balls Sheldon was not your friend.

You used to call him Big Balls all the time.

Well, they were huge.

Real friends are hard to find nowadays.

You two wanna hang together.