Original subtitles

Yes! Yes!

Oh, yes! Oh!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh! You're so good!

Martin could never satisfy me the way you do.

What the hell's going on here?

I'm having sex with a real man for a change.

I'll Kill you.

I'll kill you both!

Ha! Go ahead and try it.

If your aim is anything like your sexual prowess, we have nothing to worry about.

You...

Where the hell you been?

Your 11:00 has been here since... 11:00.

I called Judith. She said you didn't even come home last night.

What's going on?

She hates me because I'm an ugly hunchback.

- I don't want to talk about it. - Fine.

Keep it bottled up inside you till the pressure just builds and builds and builds

and builds and you explode like a can of Dr. Pepper that you shake up real good.

Just don't expect me to clean up the mess.

And... that is good!

- Oh! - Oh! Oopsie daisy!

Good morning, Martin.

Morning, Dr. Esther.

- Sorry I'm late. - No problem.

Unlike Dr. Ruth, I'm not doing Letterman tonight.

I have plenty of time. So, I have some ideas for the title.

Do you like A Couple's Guide to Complete Intimacy

or The complete Guide to Intimacy For Couples?

Well, I'd go with...

- ...either one. - You know,

I was going to call it Dr. Esther's Guide to Good Sex,

but somebody borrowed the title from me.

I'm not naming names, but her initials are Dr. Ruth Westheimer.

Yes, well, let's get started, shall we?

You want to talk about it?

Talk about what?

Martin, Martin, Martin.

I have been a psychologist for 35 years and a mother for 40.

I know when something is wrong.

And besides, you wore those same clothes yesterday.

No. No, no, no, no, no.

- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. - No, no, no, no, no.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Okay, well, Judith and I have been having some problems,

and I'd be curious to hear your take on it.

Good! That's better.

Talk to Dr. Esther.

It started about a week ago, just after you handed in your first draft.

It was Friday morning.

Judith and I had had sex the night before.

- Mazel tov! - Thanks.

Anyway, she was racing around to get out, and I was in the shower.

You got something right, kid. Are you going to make it stand up?

Well, you can beat it, but take it easy.

I'm coming down there and get you!

You're handling yourself like a man.

You look like you have your hands full.

Maybe I can be of some help.

Hey, mind if I join the party?

Oh, my. Yes.

- Hi, everybody. - Hi.

Nope, I'm in a real big hurry.

Do you mind washing my back?

Oh!

Martin have you seen my--

Oh, my God!

Jesus, Martin, we just made love eight hours ago,

and now I find you cheating on me with you?

I'm not cheating on you. I was just watching myself down there.

And one thing led to another.

Yes, I believe I caught the finale.

Wait, Judith, it meant nothing to me.

Oh.

Jude! Jude, let me explain.

We have to talk about this.

And what do you have to say, hmm?

Nothing specific.

I just meant we should talk about it in theory.

Yeah, you're right. You know, let's talk.

So, uh, what were you thinking about while you were spilling your seed

on my very expensive Italian marble shower tiles? Hm?

I was thinking about...

...you, and last night, and how wonderful it was.

Well, then why didn't you come and get me?

Because you're all the way in another room, you know,

and I didn't want to mess up your hair, which looks lovely, by the way.

Jude! I-- ow, ow, ow, ow.

- Jude, why are you so upset about this? - I am not upset.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I just have to pick up Little Richard from my parents

and take him to his steeplechase lesson.

Oh, shoot. Come on.

Interesting!

And do you masturbate on a frequent basis?

If you want the unofficial total, you need an adding machine.

No more than the next guy.

Especially if the next guy is Mr. Westheimer.

I'm joking. Anyway, I presume

you never mentioned to Judith that you masturbate.

What? It never came up until then.

So after that, I came to work and picked up your...

Lies, lies!

...book and read the chapter on, you know, masturbation.

In fact, I read it a couple of times,

and I decided to follow your advice .

Jude, I thought a lot about what happened this morning.

- Oh, so have I. - And it was all my fault.

Not for masturbating,

because I read somewhere that 70% of couples still masturbate.

You know, Dr. Ruth's not even from Europe.

- Excuse me? - She stole her accent from me.

I tell you, wake her up in the middle of the night

she sounds exactly like Walter Matthau.

Anyway, go on.

Actually, my mistake was not being up front about masturbating.

No, no, no, no. It was my fault. I totally overreacted.

- Well, there was a reason. - I know. I know.

And the reason is we've been too inhibited.

Jude, sex is about intimacy.

And intimacy is about openness and honesty,

and I should be able to tell you when I masturbate,

and you should feel comfortable telling me when you masturbate.

Well, that's just it. I don't.

I mean, I never have.

I know. I know, and that's what we need to work on.

No, I mean, I've never masturbated. Ever.

I don't believe it.

Come on. Just admit it. Everybody does.

You know, what separates us from fish.

Well, apparently, everybody does it but me.

Oh, well, I guess she's one of us.

- Wow. - Well, I always planned on doing it.

I just never got around to it.

You know, growing up in my parents' house,

well, I couldn't do it there because, well, my parents lived there.

They're Republicans. It is just not done.

You're joking.

- Uh-huh... - You know, and I always figured that

I'd get around to it when I went to college,

but my roommate was always around except for that time that she went to the infirmary

and, well, I had my period at the time,

and I wasn't sure if you were allowed to do it then.

Anyway, a few weeks later, I met you, and we had sex, like, all the time,

so I really didn't feel the need to.

Well, then we got married, and I got pregnant,

and then we split up, and, well, and then I met Richard right away,

and I actually thought about doing it when Richard died.

But then I felt that maybe it would be, like, disrespectful.

So, you know, and then I didn't know the longer I waited,

the harder it was to just do it, and I just-- could you please just say something?

You've never masturbated?

Don't patronize me.

What?

Jude. Jude, I'm sorry. You know, it's just that I'm shocked.

But this is good. See, we're making progress already.

I mean, don't you feel better?

No, I feel like a freak.

I shouldn't have a PhD in psychology. I should be a case study.

I mean, my God, what would Freud say about this?

Well, I speak German and know a little about submarines.

I guess we'll never know, but you want my opinion?

I mean, I'm no Freud, but I think it's time that you--

...gave it a whirl.

- Really? - Yes.

Yes, I think it would be very good for us, you know, and I could help you.

I think I have to do it by myself, by definition.

No, no, what I meant was we could both do it.

We're together.

Alone, in front of each other.

I don't know.

Jude, Jude, think of it as an exercise in intimacy.

You know, we could make a night out of it.

I'll buy you a present.

- Do people really shop here? - Oh, yeah.

Yeah, they even have their own credit cards.

- Eddie's got one. It's leather. - Ah.

Hi. Can I help you?

- Yes, yes. - We were just browsing.

Actually, we're looking for--

A little thing about-- about that size.

Twist... like that.

Turn like that. With wire.

A vibrator.

Ah, well, you've come to the right place.

- Follow me. - Okay.

Now, we have the widest selection in town.

In fact, if you see the same vibrator for less,

bring us the receipt, and we 'll refund you the difference plus 10%.

So, see anything that tickles your fancy, ma'am?

Oh, I'm not very ticklish.

- How about that one? - Ah, an excellent choice.

Now, I know that it says Koiko, but it has the same inner workings as the Shaftsman 2000.

It comes with five speeds plus 12 attachments, more or less.

A French tickler, circumcised head, non-circumcised head,

- grooming attachment - Sort of like a vacuum cleaner.

How so?

- Never mind. - Now, I'm going to turn this on,

and I want you to feel the power in this little baby.

Now, I know it may be a little pricey,

but hey, isn't your orgasm worth it?

Come on, go ahead. It doesn't bite.

Here.

My. It certainly does vibrate, doesn't it?

True to its name.

Oh, I almost forgot the best thing.

It's fully waterproof, so it'll work in the tub.

Well, it does go with your tile.

Couldn't we start out simpler and work our way up to appliances?

Thanks so much. Thank you.

So we went straight home from there,

and I tried to create the right atmosphere.

You know, like it said in your book.

Let me know when you're ready. I don't want to rush you.

Oh, no, no, no. I think I'm ready.

So can we undress each other,

or are we supposed to do everything ourselves?

Absolutely. We can undress each other.

I'm sorry.

- Why don't we just do it ourselves? - Oh, okay, fine.

On your Mark.

- For you. - Oh.

For me.

Would you mind if we take the comforter off the bed?

I just had the duvet cover dry cleaned.

I just didn't want to be worrying about it while I was...

- ...you know. - Sure.

- Oh. - Under the sheets?

Is that okay?

Sure. Sure, fine. No problem.

Now, don't worry if it takes you a while to get the hang of it.

You know, it's your first time. So don't get frustrated, okay?

Okay.

Well, here we go.

Just relax and take your time.

Four seconds, folks. A new world's record.

Are you finished?

Uh-huh...

Well, that went pretty well.

Why don't I just...

Never mind.

Good for you. You handled it exactly how I outlined in my book.

It's very nice.

But I still don't see what the problem is.

In fact, I should have such problems.

Yes, yes, maybe you should. Anyway, a few days go by,

and last night, Judith and I had sex, you know, with each other,

in the regular way.

Do you smell buffalo wings?

- What? - Buffalo wings.

Little tiny chicken wings,

sometimes served with Rockford dressing or spicy sauce.

Yes, yes, I know what buffalo wings are, and no, no, I do not smell them.

I shouldn't have skipped breakfast.

Do you want a ginger man?

He has cinnamon on him.

So, anyway, Judith and I had sex, you know, and afterwards--

Oh, that was nice.

Yeah. Yeah...

You know, Judith, since we're working on openness and honesty,

I've kind of had something on my mind.

- I'm just being silly. - No. What?

It's nothing big. You know, it's just that...

compared with Tuesday night, you know, your response tonight was...

- ...a little muted. - Muted? What do you mean?

Well, you know, on Tuesday night, you know,

when you did it manually, you know, you seemed to...

...enjoy it a lot, and tonight--

I'm just being oversensitive.

No, no, you're not.

- What? - Well, you know, it's not that I didn't enjoy it.

I really did. It's just that, um...

The other night, I just sort of discovered some little tricks, and, um--

Whoo!

What kind of tricks? I mean, I have my own share of tricks, I think.

Oh, you definitely do. You do. It's just that, um...

sometimes when I masturbate--

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Sometimes?

I mean, there are times now?

I mean, how often are you masturbating?

It's only been once or twice...

...a day.

Faster and faster and faster!

Oh.

Oh, I see. So this has become a regular activity.

You wake up, brush your teeth, masturbate, have a cup of coffee, masturbate.

Is that the routine?

You're the one who's done it during our entire relationship.

That is completely different.

When I masturbate, it's not because you're not satisfying me.

It's an extracurricular activity.

Martin.

Martin, all I'm saying is now that I've discovered certain things about my body,

maybe I can help you help me enjoy myself even more, that's all.

No, no, no. I understand. What you're saying is I've never even given you an orgasm.

Well, of course you have. Just not every time. That's all.

I mean, there's nothing unusual about that.

Oh, no? Well, I've had an orgasm every time.

How many have you had? What, one? A million? A million and one what?

- You're being ridiculous. - Oh. Oh, I see.

So why don't you just have a relationship with your hand?

I'm sure it knows exactly what to say.

All right. I think this conversation is over.

Fine with me.

- Who gave you more orgasms? Me or Richard? - Martin.

Openness and honesty, Jude. Openness and honesty.

Fine. Over the years, you gave me more orgasms. Are you happy now?

You are the king of orgasms.

No, no, no. You were only with Richard for five years,

and most of the time he's off in Eurasia or something.

So let's talk home runs per at bats here.

Who gave you more orgasms on a regular basis? Me or Richard?

That is not what's important.

What's important here is how we can make things even better.

I think I have my answer.

- Martin. - Fuck openness.

It's the downfall of every relationship.

My parents barely spoke to each other, and they were together for over 40 years.

Where are you going? - To leave you alone.

It's probably time for you to have another date with yourself.

So anyway, that's about how we left it.

I see the problem.

Dr. Ruth wouldn't see the problem if he came up and bitter her "under-tookas".

But I see the problem.

All couples have different issues,

but in this case, the problem is just you .

Me? She's the one who can't keep her hands above her waist for more than two seconds,

- and the problem is me? - Exactly.

Judith was trying to show you how to give her more powerful orgasm,

but you refused because?

Because she cares more about her orgasms than my feelings.

Interesting.

But the correct answer is you care more about your ego than her pleasure.

And that's the problem in my opinion.

You know, I couldn't help but overhear some of your conversation,

and I'd have to agree with the doctor here. Buffalo Wing?

Oh, I knew I smelled them! Thank you. I would love one.

- Toby. - Sorry, I only have one.

You know, as I was saying, if Judith's body is anything like mine,

it's a very complicated, delicate piece of machinery, like a '68 Corvette.

So you should be happy to have the owner's manual, you know what I mean?

- Thanks for sharing. - She's right,

because when a car is serviced correctly,

it's better for the car and for the driver.

Can I help you, ma'am?

I'm sorry. I've been a selfish, insecure asshole.

Agreed.

But for now on, I'm a team player.

You know, so if you want to give me a guided tour

or draw me a map or even if you want me to just watch, just say the word.

I'm your puppet.

Come on. It's showtime.

Ooh!

Oh, God!

Oh... God.

Oh! That was amazing.

Just like that time in Bermuda.

Only tonight I didn't dislocate my shoulder.

Not yet, anyway.

You ever hear of the saying what you don't know won't hurt you?

Jude, was it as good for you as it was for you?

You know, I mean, on Tuesday?

It was the best.

You're not just saying that, are you?

I'm lucky I can say anything.

Well, that's the greatest honor our country can give a man.

Let's promise to always, always be honest with each other.

You've got a deal.

I love you.

I love you too.

Martin?

Martin?