Original subtitles

I'm the first guy that ever blasted a hole through a donut.

Ran into some bad dice last night and made cash.

My father was a tobacco auctioneer and my mother was a woman.

- What the hell are you doing here? - As opposed to where?

In Gibby's office for your salary review.

They tend to go better when you're there to defend yourself.

It's been 14 years, Toby, but you finally made a mistake.

Okay, my review isn't until tomorrow, so please.

Not anymore. I rescheduled it for today.

I need your office for some privacy.

- You what? - This is the only time I could book my prenatal massage.

Where am I supposed to go? The freight elevator?

Toby, put your shoes back on right now

and call Gibby and tell him I'm in a meeting across town.

I hope you'll be able to see him until tomorrow.

- Hurry up. - No can do, Marty.

Tomorrow's the company-wide meeting to explain

how the new stealth intercom system works.

Looks like I'm a dead duck.

- Oh. - Gibby. I'm sorry about all the confusion.

Marty Tupper now entering for his confidential salary review.

What are you doing?

Don't look at the camera. Just pretend I'm not here.

Lu's making a video as the entertainment for our Christmas party.

Ever since Gwen from accounting got engaged,

we've had to retire that Mrs. Claus meets the manger donkey sketch.

What a shame. You were always so wonderful as the innkeeper.

Oh, he's blood on the bedsheets.

I can't get you both in the little box.

Swing around to Gibby's side of the desk. Go on.

You heard my sister, Scoot.

Yeah, good.

- Huh? - How's that?

Yeah, okay. As per our cinematic theme, let's cut to the cum shot.

Gibby, before we start, you should know

I've been contacted by some other firms,

and I'm entertaining several offers.

Pencil by a pencil, mister.

Well, you'll catch me getting between the swine and the swill.

All I had to offer you was a presidency of your own division.

- Okay... What? - Anyway, bonne chance.

And before you back up your office,

could you send Carter in, please?

Gibby, give me that thing about the other jobs.

I was just a little scared for the video, right?

Did you get all that, Lu? Huh?

Anyway, Gibby, you were saying something about making me president or something?

Hm? Oh, yes. A few years ago, you accosted me in the men's room

and practically offered to block my todger with your tie if I created a quality imprint,

- Camelot New Press. I believe you called it. - Exactly.

I finally got around to reading your proposal, and it has merit.

Therefore... Watch this.

...I hereby dub thee Sir Marty,

president of Camelot.

Your Majesty.

Thank you.

Thank you, Gibby, because I am convinced

that if you market quality books the way you market romance novels--

Perhaps I wasn't being clear. I've already said yes.

If you'd like to try and talk me out of it, I'm all ears.

Sorry, sorry, Gibby, it's just that I'm-- I'm gonna be quiet now.

And then better yet, I'll just leave.

No, no, wait, no, we need an ending.

I think it would be very touching if you two hug.

A hug?

Yeah, hug, you know, like two pirates in love.

Go on.

All right.

All right, run along, Marty. Build me a new empire.

Yeah.

From offer to publisher.

So, what we're looking for here at Camelot

is quality and depth and substance.

It's all right here.

My protagonist is a hunter

whose leg is ripped off by a rogue elephant,

obsessed with his affliction.

He organizes a hunt for the elephant,

which, by the way, is white.

Did I mention originality?

A lone man struggles to live free

among the herd mentality of a disenfranchised America.

That sounds like it could be perfect.

Go on, go on.

Okay, but not here.

Meet me in room 112

at Swiftie's Motor Court outside Saginaw.

The entire novel takes place in my vagina during intercourse.

Chapter one.

The moistening.

Are you filing, sister?

Jude. Jude, I have to cancel dinner, okay?

I'm gonna be here, for the rest of my life.

Nothing yet? You've got so many to choose from.

This is crap. Crap. It's all crap.

Literature is dead.

It's like those big tubes that used to be in TVs.

Well, maybe your standards are too high.

No, they can't be too high.

You only make a first impression once.

What if the first time we met, I was drunk?

No, you were stoned, and I was drunk, so it didn't seem to matter.

Forget a book. I can't even find an Aspirin. Excuse me.

I remember that.

We are in the threshold of a grave discovery.

Oh, Ladysmith Black Mom, Baso, is gonna be at Carnegie Hall.

- Should we get tickets? - In a minute.

Just a few more pages here.

Well, maybe if I have sex with them,

they'll give us orchestra seats.

Okay. Okay. So that's a good idea.

Jude. Jude, this is it. This is the one.

- Have you been up all night? - I've gotta get to the office.

You might want to put on some pants.

Huh?

God, how could I have forgotten about Julian Keppel?

You know, he's so vital, like an emotional volcano.

Julian, let me just say...

You look like you've been on a hayride with Dracula.

...you haven't changed a bit.

Enough with the forever jabber.

Why are we here?

Julian's not a writer anymore.

I'm in the eyeglass repair kit business.

Tiny little screws, tiny little screwdrivers, etc.

The Marines brothers, the number one supplier in the Northeast.

Soon you're gonna be the number one best-selling author in the country,

because I am going to publish The Barrel Maker.

Funny. I heard the same thing in this office 10 years ago.

- Must be an echo. - Well, that's true, but--

And when you couldn't deliver,

Julian didn't get out of bed for a year,

and ate nothing but raisins.

Meanwhile, I had to pull double shifts at Kinko's.

Well, now all that hard work is gonna be rewarded.

You know, so, Julian...

just sign right there.

For the love of God!

I can't do this to her again!

This woman is an angel!

Come on, Julian. We're in the city.

We might as well buy you some slacks.

- Mustn't let him get away. - Wait, wait!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Now, look, look, I am running the company now,

and I can guarantee you that book is gonna be published.

But can you guarantee that anybody will read it?

Tupper, no one's interested in serious books.

People want to read about how Dave Barry spent the Fourth of July.

That's because it's right in front of them.

My plan is to take books out of the bookstores and put them where people buy books.

The supermarkets and the drugstores and the airport gift shops.

- And-- - I don't follow you.

But then again, I am on antidepressants.

Julian, think of your book as an eyeglass repair kit.

How many people bought them when they were just sold at Opticians?

My brother moved 143,000 a year tops.

And how many did he sell when he put them right at the supermarket checkout?

- How many? Come on, tell me. - 5.2 million.

That was my idea, by the way,

as was the little magnifying glass.

Then you of all people should understand.

Julian, Julian, trust me,

I am going to make you the next Norman Mailer.

And all that I ask is that when you accept the Nobel Prize,

you thank me.

After you thank Maureen. Of course, come on.

Come on, together, we'll change all our lives. We'll change the entire world.

Take my hand and we're halfway there, buddy.

Gentlemen, the book will be published.

Today's a big day for all of us, isn't it?

Toby. Toby.

We're gonna need more crowd control robes.

I'm ordering them right now.

Yeah. Uh-huh.

Uh, yes. Could you page someone for me?

Butts. Mr. Seymour Butts.

Hey, hey, there they are.

Please, please, please, please.

Right in here.

You recognize that guy over there, huh?

Okay, here's how it works. They enter here, you sign here.

They exit here, and about six months your face is just about everywhere.

I gotta hand it to you, Tupper, this is quite a setup.

Too bad we don't have 450 Julians.

They could be signing at all those other displays throughout the country.

Passengers are requested to please check in at the ticket counter.

Martin, would it be okay if I went for a walk?

My feet are asleep.

You've got time to walk to a podiatrist in Arizona.

Well, don't just stand there.

Excuse me.

If you're looking for a book to read on the plane,

Let me suggest a wonderful new novel by Julian Keppel called The Barrel Maker.

What's it about?

It's about a guy who has big hopes

and big dreams and fails at everything,

and eventually he just loses his mind.

I'm going to Aruba for vacation.

I don't want to read that.

Um, where do you keep the condoms?

Mayday, Mayday.

Maureen! Julian! Great news.

There's a charter getting in from Denmark

and the Danes are compulsive readers.

Let's grab some books and get over there work the gates.

- Come on. - Tell you what.

If you actually sell a book,

call us and we'll come back and sign it.

Come on. I want to stop by the duty-free shop and pick up some rum.

I--

Martin, Martin, we got to move the display

so they can make room for the new Dave Barry book.

It's about that one fruitcake

everybody gives each other for Christmas.

He cracks me up.

Okay. Okay.

This is now officially the worst fucking day of my life.

Yeah, and I got it all on tape.

I feel as lucky as Zapruder bloke.

Give him the routine landing.

Nothing to be alarmed about, Speech.

Gibby. I was hoping you'd stop.

What are you doing here?

- We're just on our way to dinner. - At the airport?

No, no, Dusseldorf. Lou had a hankering for schnitzel.

Where's your pasty book writing fella?

Julian?

He's outside on the runway,

you know, smoking a cigarette.

Took all the customers with him, did he?

Thank God. It was a madhouse in here.

We couldn't keep the books on the shelves.

You seem to solve that problem, Marty.

I can explain.

TAT, TAT, Marty, these things take time.

Like the fourth erection on the cold night.

Ready, love?

I have complete faith in you, Marty.

We're alive!

Sorry I'm late. I had to wait for the national sales figures.

And?

We sold nine books. Well, eight.

One was shoplifted in Minneapolis,

but that was returned for store credit.

Without a receipt?

Jude, I think you're missing the point.

The point being, I'm fucked.

Well, you know, the reviews were pretty good.

And maybe you should just use them in an ad.

Really?

Which one do you think sounds sexy?

Let's see. A thought-provoking, if dense?

Or worth it for those with patience?

All right. I was just trying to help.

I need a big idea. I don't care how much it costs, I need it right now.

Martin, you're just putting way too much pressure on yourself.

Now, come on. Get into bed. Just watch some TV.

Sometimes an idea will come to you when you least expect it.

No, no, that never happens.

Over TV] More than one million have already been sold.

This remarkable product can now--

I got an idea.

Uh, so sorry. I was here.

- Lisa! - Eddie Charles, hey!

I can see you're after The Barrel Maker, too.

Isn't everybody? But I got the last copy.

So sorry.

You know, I was thinking

about devoting a whole week of my show to you.

We could talk about your triumphs,

your tribulations.

Give me that book.

It's a done deal.

Get your own.

Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut!

Terrific! Terrific! Just a couple things.

I just need you to crank up the enthusiasm, just a notch.

Define notch.

Is that more or less than, say, like a smidge?

Actors and idiots are born.

Okay, look, think of yourselves as people

who need a heart transplant.

And this, this is the heart.

It's a book about barrels, you know.

It's not about barrels.

You didn't even read it, did you?

Well, no, I mean, I'm playing a guy who hasn't read it,

so I thought it'd be better if I didn't.

Don't look at me. I don't read anything.

What the hell do you think I pay a staff for?

Look, I need more enthusiasms.

There's an extra grand a piece in it for you if you can give it to me.

- I've got to have that book. - I saw the book first.

I saw the book first.

Roll, roll, roll.

No, no, what I'm telling you is I need those sales figures,

and I need them now.

Martin, the latest sales figures are in,

and I've got great news.

Skip it. Tell me. Tell me. Tell me. Tell me.

I found my troll pen.

- What? - Guess where it was?

In my hair!

- What about the sales figures? - Oh, they suck.

Hi, Marty. Time to do some rapping.

No, no, no. Thanks, Lu. Not right now.

Oh, but it's the big musical finish of my video.

So get funky and...

♪ Whitestone Is the right stone ♪

♪ Such a bright for me ♪

Why don't you get Fred, okay? He used to be with the Christy Minstrels.

What's with you, Marty? You're as droopy as an old thing goes.

Tit bag.

Have you seen the sales figures for the barrel maker?

- Have you? - Yeah, I know.

They're like a blind man's bowling school.

You should be very pleased.

I think she's just plain stupid.

I know you're very busy with your video,

but the object here is to actually sell books

so that we can actually make money.

Okay, I know a secret

if you promise not to tell.

Gibby set up Camelot to lose money.

I don't know why. Anyway, mum's the word.

So, get down with your bad self and...

I can hardly believe it to be true.

It is true.

It is not true.

- No. - Lies.

It seems you've caught me with my hand

in the upstairs maid, Marty.

I should be trying to think up some elaborate lie

to spare your feelings, but I hate being late for blood sport, sir.

So, mea culpa.

But why?

Why would you set up Camelot to lose money, Gibby?

- You love money. - Simple.

Whitestone is currently the target of a hostile takeover.

And since I refuse to succumb to greenmail. No.

I've decided to make the company less attractive

by decreasing our book value.

Parlez-vous English?

Okay. Okay, okay.

But why are you doing this to me?

Well, who better to pilot the Hindenburg

than a chain smoker such as yourself? No.

You see, Fred or Carter might have panicked

and published something actually popular, like those Dave Barry books,

but I knew that you would stick by your guns. Yes.

The Barrel Maker is an unparalleled disaster.

You ought to be congratulated on a job poorly done.

Here.

- You just Wait a minute, Gibby. - Now, listen.

You just get back out there and keep up the bad work.

And spend more on lunches.

What a first-class chump I've been.

I brought you some Toasty O's.

Great. Is there a prize inside the box?

Maybe like a little noose or a cyanide capsule?

- Something like that. - Martin.

You know, I'd pretty much given up on the idea of being a writer,

you know, but I still thought I was a...

pretty decent editor.

You're a marvelous editor.

You've taken hundreds of mediocre manuscripts and made them...

- less mediocre. - Thank you.

Isn't there anything I can do to help?

Well, you could run out and buy about a million copies of The Barrel Maker.

Put us on the bestseller list. That'd be nice.

No, I have a better idea.

Why don't we rent Annie Hall?

I want to be left alone.

Uh, I think it's your discard, man.

Take whatever you want.

You know what? Why don't we get out of here?

You know, go shoot some hoops

or go to Gibby's porch and set fire to a bag of shit.

Yes.

- You want me to get that? - Oh, no, no.

It's probably Maureen calling to tell me that Julian's

poked his eyes out with a tiny little screwdriver or something.

Just-- just forget it.

- Hello. - Martin.

- Yeah. - You're not going to believe it.

The Barrel Maker is selling like rabbits.

Toby, you are a very, very sick person.

You know me, this is not my phony phone call voice.

I'm looking at the figures. We've sold 5,000 copies since Tuesday.

Three stores call today to reorder.

- Really? - Yes.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Okay, look.

Leave the sales figures on my desk and call shipping,

Tell them they have to work on the weekend.

And call Julian and tell him the good news.

And I'm on my way.

He would rise from the grave within which he lies.

♪ Whitestone Is the right stone ♪

♪ Such a right stone for me ♪

Gibby, the Hindenburg has arrived safe.

Shall I just park it up your ass? Hmm?

Well, well, well.

I haven't seen anything shoot up this fast

since I shared a cab with Ginger Baker.

Well, I got one thing to say to you.

You were right and I was wrong.

You're fired.

Huh?

- Fired? - Mm-hmm.

As president of Camelot.

So get back down to the galley and reshackle yourself to your oar.

You'll have to think up some other way to lose money.

- Perhaps Whitestone films. - No, no, no, no.

You can fuck me all you like, but I am not going to let you abandon Julian.

I'm afraid it's he who has abandoned you.

- Really? - Yeah.

Yeah, that harpy of his used our advance money to buy a big screen TV.

Julian watched a couple of sitcoms, wrote a script,

and he's now in Hollywood writing a pilot for Chaka Khan.

The moment is ripe for a young Khan.

You know what? Good.

Good, good for him and good for me

because you can kill Camelot, Gibby, but you cannot kill the truth.

And the truth is I was right. I made quality sell.

I know it and you know it and all these thousands of people

who bought The Barrel Maker know it.

This is Judith Stone of the Richard Stone Foundation.

I'd like to donate some books to your library.

Oh, about five thousand.

No, no, no. They're all novels.

In fact, they're all the same novel.

Is that a problem?

No one should stand in my way.

Soon every critic will recognize my greatness.