Original subtitles

I know exactly how you feel about Christmas.

It's work.

It's stressful.

There's so much plastic and so much waste.

The kids get too much junk.

The music's terrible.

The expectations are crushing.

The forced cheer is self-defeating.

And the family is exhausted,

which is exactly why, this year,

I think we should do something different.

Don't even know if we need all of this stuff.

But it's the Jelly stuff and...

...it's the Santa stuff.

I packed for several climate zones

because it's tropical but it gets cold in the mountains.

I don't even wanna do the Santa thing.

We're gaslighting J.

The imperative to consume is insane

and the whole concept erases mothers who do all of the work.

And gives all the credit to Santa.

Mum! Mum!

Why does Angelo have to come?

Darling, if 16-year-old me

can go straight back to school with a newborn,

I'm pretty sure I can handle a holiday with a baby.

Ay, boys! Hurry up!

Tough life chose me.

A big holiday in Colombia!

We went when I was little, Mum.

It was kind of lame.

Food sucked and I got sick, so...

Oh, my God.

Well, this time you're gonna love Colombia.

And everything's gonna be perfect. Now let's go.

No.

No, this is really, really bad.

A broken mirror.

It's fine. It's nothing.

-Baby... -Huh?

...it'll be fine.

You have a plane to catch. Let's go.

OK. Ciao.

Love you.

Bury it, OK?

-OK. -OK.

Just getting the family together

is a ritual that's worth something.

Why are you talking like that?

I'm trying to sell you on the Christmas cruise!

Oh! Cruise ships are the worst kinds of boats.

Christmas is the worst kind of cruise.

Edie!

"Travel is ethically unjustifiable"

"until fully decarbonised."

That was you, what, two years ago.

Yeah. Yes, I know.

And then I nearly died.

-And now I want... -Jet lag?

Adventure!

Oh! Hola.

I didn't see you there.

I'm here to tell you about the best country in the world.

Colombia!

In Colombia, we have the best people, the best food,

the best coffee, the best wildlife.

And we have the best Christmas...

...when the most important thing is time with family.

So I'm taking the whole family

on a Christmas cruise in Colombia!

Bienvenidos.

Gonna be great.

I am so excited!

Oh, whoa! What have you come as?

If you can't spot the sucker at the table,

then you are the sucker.

Up for a role

in the new 'Ocean's Eleven' spin-off.

Going method.

Oh!

Oh, thank God.

It's my baby Jesus.

He brings good luck.

Oh, cute.

No, be careful, he's fragile.

Dominic Sam Chalmers,

this is your final boarding call.

Dominic Sam Chalmers, please proceed immediately to gate 47.

Excuse me.

♪ Ooh-ah, ooh-ah Ooh-ah-ooh ♪

Here we go!

♪ Tropical snow ♪

♪ You've got the flow ♪

♪ Tropical snow ♪

♪ Ready to blow ♪

♪ Tropical snow Is where I got off ♪

♪ I'm ready to party I'm ready to glow ♪

♪ The sound of this jungle The heat of the snow ♪

♪ The sweat of the colour The vibe of the show ♪

♪ Tropical snow ♪

♪ You got the flow ♪

♪ Tropical snow ♪

Hi, Ita.

Are you in Colombia now?

We're in Chile, but at the airport.

We're going, we're on our way to Colombia.

Colombia is full, full of criminals.

Argentina has tango.

You should be going to Argentina!

We're going to Colombia. You know this.

♪ Ready to blow ♪

♪ Ready to blow ♪

♪ No, I'm telling you, man ♪

♪ Colombia is far out, man ♪

♪ You go to the jungle And it's snowing ♪

♪ Oh, man ♪

Come on, hurry!

Latin American countries are like a family.

Argentina.

Argentina is that cousin that used to be rich

and then travelled six months to Europe

and then came back with a different accent

and thinks she's better than everyone.

Ha!

Colombia is the super-hot party girl

that used to be ugly as a kid

and everyone said mean things

but now she had a glow-up

and everyone wishes they could marry her.

OK.

Colombia.

52 million people.

Two coastlines -

the Pacific and the Caribbean.

And also the Andes.

The most bio diverse country in the world.

After Brazil.

That is an overrated country just nearby.

There are no proper mountains.

So we are famous for...

Pablo Escobar, criminal del cartel...

No, no, no, no, no, no.

No. That doesn't happen anymore.

And we're finally here! Ah!

Sorry.

Ah, yeah, well, they say they're gonna keep looking.

Guys, we're gonna make our way to the boat.

But no guarantee.

-Great. -Awesome.

Edie, you can borrow my clothes.

I'm not gonna fit into your clothes, babe.

Why does this always happen to me and Dom?

What am I supposed to wear?

Whose clothes am I supposed to wear?

Wait up!

Rosa!

Everyone, everyone, this is Ximena.

-Hola, Ximena! -Hola!

-OK, Mira. Angie. Jacinda. -Hola!

-Bowie, Oly, baby Angelo. -Hola.

Wow!

You're so brave to travel with a tiny baby.

Yeah.

OK, my boys. Gabe, Seb and Santi.

Ay, Santi. We can speak in English. It's OK.

Oh.

Uh, hi, I'm Edith. I'm Angie's partner.

-Oh. Hi. -Yes, Edith.

And Dom.

Dom, Ximena. Ximena, Dom.

He's divorced like you.

Ah! Rosa.

Hi, Katrina.

Uh... Ximena.

Oh. You can't take that in.

Well, it's... the only luggage I've got.

What did she say?

Yeah, she just said, "Don't fall overboard."

I think she was... sobre la...

Dad, she's saying follow the instructions...

...and something about safety.

About alcohol?

I don't know, Dad.

How'd you know that?

I've been listening to your Duolingo for weeks.

It's actually not that dissimilar to English.

Don't you think?

Huh.

-Hurry up, bro. -Wait, wait, wait.

Gracias.

Oh, wow.

Hi!

Hmm?

Yes, it's very hot. I just had to take it off.

No, no, no.

No, but it's not...

I need to confiscate this, please, señor.

Have to drink alcohol!

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

10 days?

Look, we're VIPs.

Hey?

Tell that to the cabin.

10 fucking days.

Mum.

-Mum. -Mmm?

Mum. Mum!

Can I sleep out on the top deck? I wanna watch the ocean.

No, you can't sleep on the deck, J.

Take your shoes off and have a shower, please.

No way.

We've been in transit for 40 hours.

Don't care.

You'll feel better.

No, I won't.

Um, hello? Little help?

Jay, have a shower, please.

OK, Papi.

Thank you.

Ol, I don't think she's forgiven you for having Jelly.

Hey! VIP drinks with the captain.

I am so tired.

I feel amazing.

Do you know the amount of energy it takes

to breastfeed a baby for one day

is like running 11 kilometres?

How would anyone measure that?

And being pregnant?

It's like having two rockmelons and a watermelon

strapped to your torso.

I saw that challenge on TikTok.

While literally all of your energy

is being diverted to feeding a baby.

What's your point?

My point is if you wanna have

a 'who's the most exhausted' competition,

you have no idea who you're dealing with.

Where are you going?

I need some air.

Well, are you gonna come to the drinks?

Yep.

Mum, can I play Wordle on your phone?

Oh, look at this! It's so sweet!

Ha-ha!

Do you think they're gonna turn that thing off?

The shower's cute.

Ooh! Tiny little Colombian soap!

Oh!

Oh, the carpet! So fun!

Do you know where I packed the Kwells?

Rosa said there were over three weeks of

daily traditional gatherings and beautiful rituals

here in Colombia at Christmas.

Jesus. How many?

It's so exuberant here.

The colour and the energy and the music.

It's like they're grabbing life by two hands. I love it!

Well...

...lucky I didn't pack this in my suitcase.

What's so funny?

Oh. Oh, wow.

We're a lesbian trope.

No!

Mmm!

Ooh, very fancy, Rosa!

Oh!

Sí.

Oy!

Oh, sí.

Ay, Rosa.

You're going to have a good time!

Sí, verdad?

Yeah!

Whoo!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

♪ Bakanoa! ♪

-Buenas noches. -Hola.

Ay!

We welcome you and your many Australians on board.

Yeah.

Thank you, um...

Thank you.

Oh, hey, is this a bit of a lesbian merge

that's happening here, perhaps?

OK.

Hello, hello.

I made a family itinerary for everyone.

-Oh, you made it. -Oh, wow!

Wow, Colombian cooking classes!

Sí!

Compulsory fun. There's quite a lot of it.

A champeta class.

Yes, morning yoga.

I love that.

Expert lectures in Colombian ecology.

Oh, my God! I'm gonna barely have time to write.

Oh, is this your memoir?

Uh, yeah, it's, you know,

sort of memoir, sort of autofiction.

30,000 words so far.

Oh, wow!

Could I read it?

Uh, well, really?

You've got Jacinda and Jelly

and surely you want a break, don't you?

Oh, Mum, this will be my break.

Um, oh, well, it's... It's, um...

-It's warts and all. -Well, I love editing.

I edit at work all the time.

It's literally my job and I'm really missing it.

Jelly's eight weeks old

and my brain is literally turning to mush.

OK, well, yeah, I'd appreciate some feedback.

Thank you.

Only good things.

Sure.

You know what she's just been through.

And she's getting joy out of this.

Says the woman complaining about coming on this cruise.

Only good things.

Of course! I said I would do that.

Ay!

Dom!

Dom.

-You look amazing. -Thank you.

-Remember Ximena? -I do.

Great to see you, Haa... How are you?

It's Ximena.

Ximena.

-Sí. -Yes.

I was telling her all about you.

Mmm! All good things, I hope.

Yes.

Um, do you like the boat?

Tried these?

$15, that is.

$15 a pop for watered-down drinks -

which wouldn't have been a problem

if I could have brought my own duty-free alcohol on board.

Sure.

-Very funny. -Here, try it.

-Yeah. -I'm not wrong, am I?

Hm.

It's fine.

Can you try it?

-I'm good. Thank you. -Do you think I'm lying?

Um...

Here. Just drink from there.

Um... It's OK. It's OK.

-OK. -Excuse me...

No, he's...

Let me try yours.

'Cause he's funny. He's funny.

Yeah.

That is rank.

Linea. Thank you.

Por favor, stay in your line.

Yeah. Thank you.

-Por favor... -Is this normal?

So funny.

Wow!

Bienvenido. Bienvenido.

Bienvenido.

Bienvenido a bordo.

Bienvenido a bordo. Bienvenido a bordo.

Bienvenido.

Bienvenidos. Bienvenidos.

Señorita!

-Poker. -Poker?

You're good, kid.

But as long as I'm around, you're second best.

Steve McQueen.

'Cincinnati Kid'. Edward G. Robinson.

Oh, yeah. Charlie. I'm an actor.

Ay! Movies?

Oh, yeah. So many.

Uh, I recently... 'Star Wars'.

-'Star Wars'. -Oh!

For you, sir.

El Capitán would like to invite you

to play poker this evening in the officers' lounge.

Oh, I... OK, yeah.

I'm so touched.

Thank you. I appreciate it. Thank you.

Well, I'm my son's usual poker partner, so...

...might I join you also this evening, captain, my captain?

-No. -No.

In Colombia, Christmas starts on December 7th

with La Noche de las Velitas,

the night of the little candles.

And then, from nine days before,

we get together every night to pray.

Well, I mean, it's actually a party.

Because we sing and eat and drink

for nine nights, every night,

around the nativity scene.

Because the nativity scene is a very big deal because...

Everybody does one.

And you can use

all the little figurines that you have at the house,

like the little zoo animals and dolls

and Marvel characters and just anything.

This one...

...is a very special one.

From my abuela.

♪ Amen ♪

We don't believe in Santa.

He was invented by Coca-Cola.

See, you're telling me

a creepy old man in the North Pole is watching you?

Seeing if you're being naughty or nice?

No.

Baby Jesus from heaven. He's the one watching you.

♪ Alleluia! ♪

And he brings the presents.

Amén.

Hola, señor.

Perfecto.

Excuse me, sir.

It's very bad luck to whistle on a boat.

Ah! Sí, sí.

To empathise. To empathise?

OK.

These guys.

Eh? Oh, no. I don't drink. Just...

This is... this is the real stuff.

Excuse me.

Is that my confiscated alcohol you're drinking?

No, I think that's my alcohol.

-He's taken it. -No passengers.

No passengers? Well, he's a passenger.

No. Gracias.

Bowie!

-Hey. Fans. -Ah!

Bowie!

Hey, Ha-he-ha...

Hey, Dom.

Ximena.

Are you going to Barú today?

Uh, I don't know. Maybe.

I mean, I haven't got actually any clothes or...

Oh! Uh...

Could you translate something for him, please?

He's got my alcoholic gin,

and I would like it back,

and also the speaker in my room, above the bunk,

it's really loud,

so I think it's broken,

so if he could please fix that.

Thank you.

No. He can't fix it.

Uh...

♪ Come on! Hey! ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Cover me in beso Beso, beso, besitos ♪

♪ I want you to take me Take me, take me to Mexico ♪

♪ With every kiss You've got me tongue-tied ♪

♪ Every caress You've got me upside down ♪

♪ Cover me in beso Beso, beso, besitos ♪

Excuse me, ma'am.

May I practise my English with you?

Um... um... lessons.

How do you like Colombia?

Learning?

It's great.

And the beautiful baby?

His name?

Angelo.

-Angelo. It's a good name. -Oh.

How age?

How old?

Um, eight weeks.

Almost nine.

See? You can teach me.

We are going to serve lunch soon.

Is there anything you need?

Because I'd be very pleased to help you with anything.

You seem good. Your English, I mean.

It's sounding...

-Hi. -Hey!

Uh...

No.

-Yes. -No.

We would like lunch.

-Oh. -Thank you.

Oh.

Didn't love how that guy was talking to my wife.

"My wife"?

Yeah!

Also known as me.

I got this for you.

-Thanks. -You're welcome.

Is there alcohol in this?

They're too small.

We were supposed to be in Mr Alvarez's math class.

But we snuck out to go to the shops.

We had to go through the cemetery

to take a bus to the city so we didn't get caught.

And when we got on the bus...

There is Mr Perez!

No!

Oh. Yeah, that... that's cool.

-That's great. -That's really cool.

-Sí? Cool? -Yeah. Yeah, cool.

You know what? We were watching the World Cup together.

Do you know what these kids were doing?

Going for Australia?

-Exactly. Going for Australia. -No!

So I asked them why.

And they said, "No, Mama, it's because Colombia is lame."

-Mm-hm. Mm-hm. -Uh-huh.

So I asked the rest of the family,

"What do you know about Colombia?"

And they say, "Colombia is poor, Colombia is dangerous."

El cartel, las drogas...

So I bring them here

to show them, look!

Look how beautiful it is.

No, just...

My marriage was already in a state of disintegration,

my career ambitions stagnating.

And then, without any warning,

a baby crashes into our lives.

Oh.

Thrust back into the merciless servitude

and broken nights of early parenthood, I was reeling,

doing everything I could to ease the transition for Oly.

But the intractability

and the savagery of teenage girls...

What?

...should never be underestimated.

Hey!

Oh, hi.

How you going?

Good.

Oh, um, it's... it's great.

I didn't know it was about me having J.

Well, it's taken me a long time to acknowledge

what a fulcrum point in my life that was.

Oh.

-I mean, yours, obviously... -Obviously.

...but mine so much more than I'd actually realised.

Mmm.

You don't have to read it.

I know it's gonna be hard because sometimes,

'cause I have to be really honest -

but that's just what I have to do with this, to be honest.

Mum, I think it's great that you're doing this.

Aw, thanks!

'Cause I've always wanted to write a book.

But life just got in the way and...

...you know, teaching and kids and...

Grandkids.

Um, I just have just one small note.

Um, well, you know, I think

in memoir,

with the first-person point of view

being so central to the narrative, uh...

...and I know this is... this is totally not your intention,

but it can be easy to sort of

inadvertently de-centre or... or completely erase

the experiences of other people around you.

I know, I know.

Yeah, I've been thinking about that a lot,

especially being on this trip.

-Oh, you have? Oh, great. -Mmm. Yeah.

I mean, you mean Rosa.

I contributed to the break-up of her marriage,

and she's been so generous.

I assumed you dealt with that a long time ago.

No! No, we just buried it

and just pretend it never happened.

Always works.

Yeah.

No time like the present.

I'm gonna talk to her.

Oh, Mum, are you sure that's a good idea?

Yes.

Yeah. It's time.

Ow!

Is anyone else getting bitten by these midgy things?

Everywhere!

Mm-mm.

-Itchy. -Are you? No.

They're... in the sand or something.

No.

Oh, God.

Whoo!

You know I've been working on a book since I had the cancer.

Oh, the cancer book, yes.

No, a big market for that.

No, seriously, because everyone has cancer.

I don't know why someone would like to read about it,

but, you know, people seem to be interested in it.

-Can we... I just wanted to... -What?

What is it?

I, um...

So I've been thinking a lot about what I did.

With Matias.

When you were married to him.

Uh-huh.

Facing mortality, it just makes you weigh up your life,

and I just want to say that I am

terribly, terribly sorry.

Um, I know it happened 10 years ago,

and we've just never really spoken about it,

and I just wanna say that I really, really regret it.

Well...

...I just feel like you will go to hell for that, Angie.

No!

You don't even believe in hell!

What do you care?

You know what?

Ay, in life, we have to move on,

and the two best decisions I have ever made in my life

was moving to Australia

and leaving Matias.

-Mum! -Mum!

Mum, I thought you said you wanted to go snorkelling!

Or some shit!

What about having your kids?

No, I'm still wondering about that one.

-Ohh! -Oh, my God.

G'day.

How are ya?

Yeah.

Ah! I know that one.

-I know that. You like. -Sí?

Ahhh!

Whoo!

-Cheers. -Salud.

Ugh!

Look at him, huh?

Sitting there like a great big, corrupt,

kleptocratic dictator, huh?

Been a few of them in South America, right?

Maybe it's part of the culture.

Yes.

That's probably true, you know?

Just like in Australia it's part of the culture

that everyone rides kangaroos and is full of self-pity, no?

Gracias.

Edie, are you sure that

we should be encouraging Mum's writing?

-Why not? -Because it's not very good.

That's a matter of opinion.

Uh, no, it's... That's fact in this case.

She's just beat cancer for the second time.

I don't know if having cancer makes anyone a better writer.

Only good things.

No, you're right.

Enjoy the night.

Ximena said that I am "espiritualmente Colombiana".

-Yay! -Wow.

I'm so glad you pushed me to speaking to Rosa, darling.

-Oh, that's good. -Mmm.

And it has made me realise that

facing the hard things in life

is actually the only way to let them go.

Wow.

You face those hard things, Mum.

Go deep.

I know you're being sarcastic,

but it's true.

Hey, Angie, think you're ready for bed?

Bed?

No, no-one is going to bed. It's 10:30.

Don't be silly. Vamos!

Shit.

Ay!

I don't know what that means.

It's very bad luck.

Mum.

-Jesus. -I feel seasick.

Oh, OK, do you want...

What?

God.

Where's the Hydralyte?

It's in the toiletry bag.

It's not. You said you packed it.

-I did pack it. -Well, it's not in here.

OK, well, how about you have a look?

For fuck's sake.

Mum, you're supposed to be helping me. I need you.

Remind me, which part of this trip was the good idea?

What do you mean?

I don't know why you pushed for this so hard, Oly.

It is insane to come overseas with an 8-week-old baby.

-I did this for you! -OK.

Well, don't do me any favours, Ol.

Oh.

The Hydralyte's right here.

You win, amigo!

Ah!

Why don't... Why don't you just baffle it, Dad?

Yeah?

Cartagena is one of the oldest

and most important ports of the Caribbean.

It's famous for architecture

from the 16th, 17th and 18th centuries,

and inspired Gabo's novel 'Love in the Time of Cholera'.

And the palenqueras are icons of the city.

They are descendants from the Afro-Colombians

that escaped Spanish slavery in the 1600s.

And it is very, very beautiful.

Ay, you're gonna love it.

Oh, mamacita!

Ah!

Yeah!

Sex with him was frantic, addictive, chaotic.

The double betrayal heightened it.

Yet it was with her that I finally came home.

I found the five-dimensional domain

of everything that I'd been missing,

everything I needed.

Transcendence,

the softness of her skin,

the taste of her...

Ooh!

My God!

Remember that?

-Yes. -That was so funny.

-Hey, darling. -Hello, hello!

Hola, hola.

Ah!

Oh, wow.

-Oh, Edie! Where have you been? -Hey!

-What happened? -I got lost.

Ohh!

-I found her in Getsemani. -Oh.

-It was a dodgy cab driver. -Oh.

Oh, God, I need a drink.

OK. Drinks.

Oh.

Well?

Gracias.

Oh!

Don't be such a prude!

You're my editor.

Oh, no. Not... not for this one.

Why not?

Mum!

Are you trolling me?

The... the sex stuff.

With... Santi's Dad.

And Edie.

Well, you inspired it.

-What? -"Go deep. Face the hard thing."

Mum, we established that I was being sarcastic.

Look, I... I...

I didn't realise how much self-loathing

I was carrying around about Matias.

And Rosa's forgiveness has helped me,

just made me want to face it full-frontal.

Well, it's that.

Oh, my God.

Oly, I am just trying to be, honestly, to...

Just trying to speak your truth.

Yeah, I mean, that sounds a little bit clichéd,

but, like, yeah, I am.

I'm trying to bridge the gap between expression

and, uh, experience.

Well, it's...

It's, uh... it's vibrant.

Yes. Yeah.

Life, sex, desire, the whole mess.

I'm just trying to convey how it feels to be alive.

God, I could be the next Helen-Garner-cum-Erica-Jong.

Oh, Mum, please don't say 'cum'.

Hey, where's Santi?

Oh, he, um, wanted to keep going,

but I was tired, so we split.

-Oh, is everything alright? -It's fine.

Hmm.

-Gracias. -To Rosa!

For bringing us to this beautiful,

magical dream of a country.

Salud!

Gracias.

Oh, stop it!

Keep going.

Just gonna go and get a beer.

-Oh, have mine. -No, no, I'll get my own one.

-Oh, Edie! -Oh, you wanted one?

-No, no, it's good. -It's so cold and delicious.

-I'm sorry. -Mm!

Yeah, that's amazing.

What I really need is, um, sticky tape, uh...

No, like, um, electrical tape?

Uh...

Oh, my God, Dum-Dum. Give me your phone.

Uh, glue.

Some sort of adhesive?

Gracias.

Well done.

More novenas.

It's only the sixth night.

How many are there again?

Nine.

Fuck me, it's never gonna end.

And what the hell's Angie doing?

When in Colombia...

How's that?

It's great.

This one's about how I was

an ungrateful sociopath of a teenager

who ruined my mother's life.

This is the best bit.

It says I came out of the womb bossy.

I'm sure it doesn't say that.

Yeah.

What happened?

I hurt my shoulder.

Doing what?

Oh, come on.

What?

Mama, I'm talking to Lilliana.

I don't want to do this dumb lame shit, Mum.

Sometimes nothing is a cool card.

Oh, fuck.

You're a dead man.

Mm. Mm.

Sí!

-No way, bro. -No way.

What are you guys laughing at?

In my day, it was all 'Call of Duty' and Skrillex.

-'CoD' still slaps. Yeah. -Hey!

I told you, three things.

The first one, it was the breaking of the mirror,

and I couldn't bury it.

And then Dom spilling the salt.

Second one.

Third one, the baby Jesus gone.

Bad things come in three.

That's... that's three.

So that means the bad thing's already happened, yeah?

No, no. It means...

Oh, Angie, It means that a bad thing is going to happen.

That's what it means. It's going to happen.

Mm. Oh, I'm sure he'll turn up.

And then... then the bad luck will be reversed.

No, I don't think it works that way.

OK.

Are the boys gonna come tonight?

No.

Gabe is having girl problems and...

I just...

I just thought they would love it here.

-Yeah, teenagers. Arggh! -Yeah, but I...

I wanted to show the whole family, you know,

where I was born and... and where I grew up.

You know, what I miss.

And my boys cannot even...

They cannot even try to have fun with me.

I don't...

Why they can't just love what I love?

Very simple.

Hmm, it seems like Gabe's having a good time.

Yeah, he's having a great time.

Going to get an STI

if he hasn't already.

And now we have a...

Well, we have a cursed cruise.

Hmm.

A cursed...

A cursed cruise!

Yeah.

Mm.

Ohh.

Ugh.

Probably that crab at Barú.

Mm, but I had that too.

The ice in the drinks at the old town.

Mm, no, Rosa only took us to the best places.

I don't think it would be that.

Oh, fucking yay for Rosa.

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, you just...

You're just talking about her all the time.

And having so much fun with her and praying with her.

What the fuck was that? I mean, we're atheists.

When in Colombia...

Edie, I know you're not jealous of Rosa.

Of course I am.

I'm jealous of sharing you with anyone.

-What?! -With everyone. I...

I just want whatever time we have left to be ours.

Mm.

We're gonna have the rest of our lives together.

What if we don't?

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Do you want me to stay on board with you tonight?

No, no, no, no. No.

It's the Christmas lights, which is a huge deal, apparently.

OK.

-Oh, I'm gonna be sick again. -Ohhh!

-Drugs are a fun time. -Drugs are a really fun...

-So there's 50,000. -50.

I actually got a second baggie if that's of any interest.

That's so great. I have 6,000.

I'll take it. Have the drugs, have a fun time.

You know, I'm not full of self-pity.

-At all. -Sure.

Well, you don't know me, so...

Most people I know think that I'm, um...

Maybe it's the language barrier.

But you speak perfect...

Very funny.

Isn't this weird?

Your wife left you for your sister,

and you're just fine with it.

You go on holidays with them and your kids.

Well, she didn't leave me for her, so...

Why would I indulge my anger...

...if it means I lose two people I love?

Ah!

Oh, look! Oh!

Take Legui, Forajida, Los Maricas...

I don't speak...

Uh, Los...

You know, I will make you a playlist.

Oh, that is awesome!

Um, should we go to the Christmas lights?

-Yeah. -Yeah!

Yeah, that's a great idea.

You know, I'm going to go back to the ship

to look for Niño Jesus.

-Oh, really? -Yeah, I'm a little bit worried.

But you guys go. Have fun.

-Cool. -Go.

I'm gonna go off on my own.

Um, we might actually stay and keep chatting, if that's...

Yeah, sure. I would like another drink.

You'd probably like to hear about some Australian music?

Sure!

Well, um, in 1996, uh,

a band by the name of Magic Dirt, uh, left Geelong...

It's, like, really painful.

I have torn ligaments.

Well, maybe don't do dumb stuff.

Maybe don't flirt with sailor boy.

-I was feeding Jelly. -And?

What do you want me to do, run away?

Oly, you were enjoying it.

You've been enjoying it.

Yeah!

Yeah.

Maybe.

I had a baby eight weeks ago.

Santi, his accent is like a magic spell.

Oly...

Can you not see that it's, like, it's weird for me being here?

I'm from Chile.

My parents are Chilean.

You and Bowie speak better Spanish than I do,

and then you're swooning over Usnavy.

Yeah, I didn't think about that.

I remember my mum speaking Spanish to me when I was little.

I wish I could understand it better.

I think what's gonna happen

is that one day it'll just... it'll just click into place

and you'll just be speaking fluently.

And the more you practise, the sooner that will be.

-That's classic Oly advice. -It's true.

Hey, I'm really sorry.

I'm sorry that I didn't understand

what this trip meant for you.

♪ Gratia plena ♪

♪ Dominus ♪

♪ Tecum ♪

♪ Benedicta ♪

♪ Tu ♪

♪ In mulieribus ♪

♪ Et benedictus ♪

♪ Fructus ♪

♪ Ventris ♪

♪ Tui, Jesus ♪

♪ Sancta Maria ♪

♪ Sancta... ♪

♪ Maria... ♪

♪ Maria... ♪

No, no, no, it's just...

It's just the shrooms. It's just the shrooms.

♪ Amen ♪

♪ Amen ♪

Yes? Mm.

Morning.

Hi.

All OK?

Yeah.

Which bit are you up to?

You know it wasn't easy. For me.

And this is reading like I was some sort of spoilt kid

having a tantrum

because I didn't get what I wanted for Christmas.

And now I'm reading that Bowie was your easy child...

...and that

"His perfect birth augured"

"his joyfully offbeat childhood."

And you call yourself a feminist.

You weren't worried about de-centring Rosa?

Not especially.

OK. Well, you should read what I've written this week.

It's gonna be my final chapter.

You know what, Mum? I think I've read enough.

Oly, this is...

Hello!

-It's Navidad! -It is Navidad!

-Oly, it's... -It's Navidad.

-Mm-hm. -Should we get some brekkie?

-Hi, darling. Good morning. -Get a plate.

Wow.

-All good? -Yeah. Just fantastic.

Just...

This is your captain

speaking here from the bridge.

-Buenos días. -Buenos días.

It sounds a lot better when you say it.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

-You alright? -Uh-uh.

I'm so sorry.

Oh!

The hell?

You made that to stop the captain's voice?

-Sí. -Ohh.

That is it. I have had enough!

Bien? Contenta?

Perfecto.

Bowie?

Um...

De nada.

Bowie!

Rosa!

Hey, guys, this, uh, is my Australian friend.

Señorita.

-Buenas. -Buenas.

Hmm.

Thank you for the beautiful earrings, Bowie.

-Oh, hey, hey, it's no problem. -Mm.

Very expensive?

Sí, esmeraldas Colombiana.

Oh!

Why are you winning so much money, Bowie?

-I'm lucky, OK? -Oh.

I was blessed by the Niño Jesus in Cartagena.

Hm. How lucky!

-I know. -Yes!

-What do you have in your hand? -Nothing.

-Let me see. -Nothing!

Which 'Star Wars' movie did you say you were in?

-Uh, uh... -Bowie!

One of the newer ones, actually. It was a deleted scene.

-I-I might, uh... -Bowie.

I'm gonna head out.

Sí.

Bowie!

Where's Captain Fuckface?

No lo sé, señor.

Bowie? Bowie!

-What? -Bowie! Bowie!

What?!

Well, well, well, El Capi-wanker.

You stole my gin.

You won't let me play poker.

I have not been able to sleep in the world's smallest cabin

because you will not shut up

on a tinny tannoy that you refuse to fix.

And now you have hurt my Ximena.

Oh, stupido Australiano, huh?

I think I know what that means.

Well, I don't know what you're saying.

I'm saying go back.

-You go back. -No, you go back.

Bowie! Bowie.

-Bowie. -What?

-What's in your hand? -This hand?

No, the other hand.

Give me my glass! Give it to me, you...

Bowie!

Ohh!

I swear I was gonna give it back.

I was just doing really well.

Oh! No, no, no!

Oh!

That can't be good.

Ah!

I'll call you back, Sharon.

Oh, we are fucked.

You!

-Rosa... -You!

You cursed us!

1348

1350

Sí, sí, sí.

I was going to...

-About your... your drawing. -Ah, yeah, Mira, Mira.

1356 So much money!

We could do another trip to Colombia with this money.

Merry Christmas!

Edie, this one's for you.

Sorry, I asked him to engrave a heart on it,

but he put it on Dom's.

Bowie. Where's Bowie?

Oh, he's sulking. He didn't get the role.

-Aw! -Ho, ho, ho!

Dum-Dum!

Merry Christmas!

Ay, Dom... How many times?

We don't do Santa, Dom.

I bought it in Carta-henya.

No, Cartagena.

And then the ones that bring the presents

is El Niño Dios in Navidad.

-But he's gone. -Sorry.

I was trying to lighten the bloody mood.

Oh, there's a present for you, Dom.

You know, I asked Usnavy, El Capitán,

almost everyone on the crew.

Who knows how long it'll take to fix?

About the ship?

Oh, I'm sorry, Rosa.

Maybe they'll get it fixed in time and we can keep going.

Are we moving? We're not moving.

OK, come on!

It's Navidad.

Let's play a game.

No.

A Christmas game?

It's a team-building workshop I did at council.

What skill would you bring to the apocalypse?

-Oh! -Ay, no.

-It's a bit depressing. -It's fun. It's fun.

'Cause we all have to work together to survive.

So how are we gonna do that?

Because there's no internet.

Who's gonna grow our food

or who's gonna handle the weapons or repair machinery?

I could ferment. I can make pickles.

Oh, and I did read a really good article

about how to build a root cellar.

So I could do that.

-Mum's in the bunker. -Yay, I'm safe.

I could make home brew and, um... and bathtub gin.

We could do that together.

Dad's in the bunker.

-We'll all be drunk. -I know what I can do.

-Yes? -I can make fires.

-And run security. -Yes, you can.

OK, I can do first aid.

Actually, I'm really good at, um, offline navigation.

Great!

And then Bowie can bring stealing and gambling

and blasphemy to the apocalipsis.

Uh, I've just spoken to the captain.

Uh, ship's fucked.

We're not going to San Andres.

Make-up!

Can I have make-up?

I found that much-anticipated events

often collapse under the weight of their own expectation,

which is why I've always preferred surprises

in which, lucky me,

my life has been rich.

I love you.

Aw.

-Oh. -Yes.

Hello.

Angie.

Angie, the paper!

-Oh. -Look!

Oh!

Oh, no! I just dropped the ones I'm picking up!

I can't believe this.

Arggh!

You're joking!

Oh!

Here.

-I'm so... -How?

-Yeah. -In a dream.

What?

No way!

-It's good, right? -Yeah, sure.

It's all gone!

I know. I'm so sorry.

All that effort.

Just wasted.

It's not wasted!

Mum, you wrote a beautiful,

brutally honest account of your life.

Maybe it's for the best.

You're happy it's gone.

I'm not happy it's gone.

You didn't want an honest, unfiltered version

of how hard it was,

and how hard you were out in the world.

Well, maybe I'm not devastated.

But what I mean is a lot of great authors

talk about how they make a few attempts before they nail it.

You just have to pick yourself up

and you have to write another book.

Pick myself up again?

I can't keep picking myself up.

I don't think I will.

Flight number 575 to Sydney via Santiago

boarding at gate 25.

OK. Well, Mum, maybe next time just get a laptop.

Come on, amor.

Why don't we just get a bottle of champagne,

celebrate together?

It's New Year's Eve.

No, no, no, thank you.

I... I just want to go early to bed

and then wake up in a new year.

Shh! Shh!

And what about all the traditions?

No, no, it doesn't matter.

I don't want to do anything.

-Nothing? -No!

-Anything? -No.

Nothing, not even this?

Surprise!

You did this for me?

Yeah, Mama.

OK, todos.

Año nuevo,

Colombiano,

aqui vamos!

♪ I'm in love in the city ♪

♪ I'm in love In the city of sound ♪

♪ I'm in love It's kind of pretty ♪

♪ I'm in love In the city of sound ♪

♪ In the sound, in the sound In the sound... ♪

Año nuevo, New Year's Eve,

you have to run around your neighbourhood with a suitcase,

with all the people that you love,

so you can travel a lot next year.

♪ I'm in love in the city ♪

♪ I'm in love In the city of sound... ♪

♪ I'm in love It's kind of pretty ♪

♪ I'm in love In the city of sound ♪

♪ In the sound, in the sound In the sound ♪

♪ In the sound, in the sound ♪

♪ The city of sound

♪ In the sound, in the sound In the sound ♪

♪ In the sound, in the sound ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh Ooh-ooh-ooh... ♪

-Vamos! -♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-oooh ♪

And when the clock hits midnight,

you have to eat 12 grapes,

one for every month of the year,

and then you have to make 12 wishes.

Grangie, can I take Jelly?

Yes, of course you can.

Oh, hello.

Aw!

What did your final chapter say?

What?

The whole thing?

OK, I think I remember the best bits.

It said...

...I learned that parenthood is never finished.

I learned that families can survive

astonishing ruptures.

I learned that love is all that counts.

I learned that my daughter...

...is the strongest person I know,

and she gave me something as beautiful and as miraculous

as another childhood.

OK, weirdo.

Yeah, I'm much better now. Much.

Que es?

And then we burn a big año viejo doll

that is full of fireworks

so we can say goodbye

to all the bad things that happened that year

and make way for a beautiful new beginning.

Cheers.

Ahhh!

Everybody, it's close to midnight!

-Oh, whoa, whoa! -OK, here we go! Here we go!

10, 9, 8, 7...

...tres, dos, uno!

♪ Your shoes keep turning Different shades of blue ♪

♪ The colours Of the other fools before you ♪

♪ And skin keeps turning Different shades of red ♪

♪ The colours Of the other voice ♪

♪ That's swimming in your head ♪

♪ Make yourself at home again ♪

♪ Count your blessings One to 10 ♪

♪ Your body will be Whole again ♪

♪ Your body Will be whole again ♪

♪ Make yourself at home again ♪

♪ Count your blessings One to 10 ♪

♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la, la-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ And make yourself At home again ♪

♪ Count your blessings One to 10 ♪

♪ La-la-la-la-la... ♪

Whoo!

♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la, la-la-la-la-la ♪