Original subtitles

This line sucks.

Yeah, it sucks.

But the doctor says I need medicine for my arthritis and the cholesterol, and

now he says I have diabetes for some reason.

Doctors don't know everything.

No, sir.

Remember when every time you ate a lot of sugar, you'd go crazy?

Did I?

I don't remember.

Yeah. You'd, like, run around and pull your shirt over your head.

My shirt over my head?

No. No, it doesn't ring a bell.

Yeah. And then you'd, like, scream stuff about your bunghole.

My bunghole?

No. Are you sure you're not thinking of Stuart?

You know, the blonde kid?

Yeah,

maybe it was Stuart.

She's a wuss.

Well,

whoever it was, that was a long time ago.

Those days are over.

Next.

My name's Beavis.

Can I have your prescription?

No. All I have is this piece of paper from the doctor.

This is from the unemployment office.

Well, that's what I got.

Wait, are you going to give me a job?

No. Oh, good.

That was close.

I can look you up in the computer, Mr. Beavis.

Looks like you have prescriptions for diabetes, arthritis.

High cholesterol and prostatitis.

What's that one?

Do you wake up in the middle of the night a lot to urinate?

No. Most nights only like 15 or 20 times.

Let me get these for you.

You're going to need a prior authorization.

Well, how do I get one?

You'll have to call your insurance company, sir.

You've got to do everything yourself in this place.

Oh, you do?

Yeah, you do.

Never come in here again.

Oh, okay.

So, um, do I have to get my medicine myself then?

Eh, I guess so.

I think it's like self -serve.

Okay then.

Let's see.

Where to begin?

I'm going to try one of these.

Huh, pretty good. How about some of these?

Well, a couple of these.

I feel young again.

Come on.

More! More!

More!

I

am

Cornholio. I need tippy for my bunghole.

Is this one of those videos where they show everyone who died during the year?

Uh, oh yeah. I think it is.

It's like one of those in -memor -bub -memoritorium.

So all these people died this year, huh?

I thought that guy died years ago. Wow.

He might as well have.

He kind of looks like that room mom, you know, in kindergarten that used to

give, like, juice boxes to everybody.

He drives a Subaru.

How come there's all this fire around him?

I think that means that all these people went to hell.

Well,

good for them.

You know, I've heard good things about hell, you know.

Yeah.

I've heard they have fornication.

And fire, too.

Fornication and fire.

Yeah, it's like a Benihana's down there.

You know, but I'm always afraid I'll see one of these, and then I'll see myself.

And that's how I'll find out.

And I'll be like, wait a second.

I must have died this year.

Don't worry, Beavis. You'll never be in one of these.

No one will notice when you've died.

Shut up about it.

You could be dead right now, and I would not know or care.

Shut up about it.

You're freaking me out. Come on.

I'd just step right over you.

Shut up about it.

You'll be in the section of the show called Good Riddance.

And now, a look at the people we lost this year, who sucked.

Sir,

you can't be vacuumed.

Are you threatening me?

No, but this area is for pharmacy staff only. I need pharmacy for my bunghole.

And my prostatitis.

You will give me all your diabetes.

Would you like to see my cholesterol?

My cholesterol is in my bunghole.

Yes, we have an older gentleman here who took a lot of geriatric medication.

My bunghole demands arthritis.

You will give me all your arthritis now.

You'd better send the police right away.

I have no copay for my bunghole.

You must give me your copay.

Side effects may include my bunghole.

My bunghole is old.

I am old Julio.

I must take a load off my bunghole.

My bunghole shall nap.

It shall rust now.

For it is weary.

Bunghole. Coronholio.

Bunghole.

Prior authorization for my bunghole!

I demand pharmaceuticals for my bunghole! Do you have a

copay?

I demand to see your copay.

Get out the scooter. You're under arrest.

I have a prescription in my bunghole.

This is your last warning.

Are you threatening me?

Yes, I am. You will not threaten the almighty old holder.

You will not threaten my bunghole.

No.

It is my bunghole!

He just took 50 ,000 bolts like it was nothing.

He took so many pills, he must be completely impervious to pain.

The way those drugs are interacting, he could be capable of anything.

You must bow down to the flames of my bunghole!

My bunghole -io is an inferno!

The suspect is wanted for felony theft of prescription drugs, reckless driving,

and first -degree arson. And one time I caught him spanking his monkey to a

cartoon about a train.

Get him.

Something's coming.

Old Julio, I have no bunghole.

What could possibly cause a man to do this?

Well, I think it's because he never scored.

I demand TB.

You must give me all your TB.

For my bunghole.

What's he saying?

You will not disrespect my prostatitis.

For I have prostatitis in my bunghole.

Prostatitis? Doctor said I got that too.

I must have prescriptions for my bunghole.

Do you need prescriptions for your bunghole?

Yes, I do.

Me too, Chief.

Me too.

Let him go.

I'll pay for the medicine he stole.

But, Chief... If it weren't for the grace of God, that could be me out

That could be me.

You can take my bunghole with or without food.

My bunghole isn't wiggle.

He's going straight to hell anyways.

Ask your doctor if your bunghole is right for you.

That is humorous, yes.

Very humorous, yes. Quite jocular, yes. Droll, very droll, yes.

Whimsical, yes, yes. Quite absurd, yes. Quite whimsical, yes. Priceless wit of a

satirical bit, yes.

Behold... Oh, dim -witted humans, I am Smart Butthead. And I am the one they

just call Smart Beavis. In the past, we have come to you to chronicle the

mysterious events of a distant universe where Beavis and Butthead are not

teenagers, but in middle age.

At the height of their powers.

But today, we bring you a different tale. A tale about ourselves.

The legend of how we came to be known across the cosmos as... The Discoverers.

Our legend begins the day we were called before the Supreme Leader.

Smart Beavis and Smart Butthead, we have for you an important mission. The Smart

Council has decided to invade Earth One, the planet they call Normal Earth.

The humans who live there are too stupid to have their own planet.

And so they must be terminated.

Okay. Your mission is to go to Earth -1 and place a navigational beacon to show

our space fleet precisely where to attack.

Ah, yes.

You chose us because of our deep understanding of normal Earth.

And wisdom in the art of war.

No! We chose you because you will probably die!

You were the most expendable people we could think of. And we are extremely

at thinking.

Quite right, smart Todd.

Now go. May science...

Be with you.

Very well. We shall go to normal Earth.

And we shall be its doom.

Indeed. Doom.

Yes, yes, quite jocular. Chuckle him, yes, yes. Amusing, jocosity.

Yes, yes, waggish and particle as well, yes.

Interesting, quite interesting, yes.

Yes, yes, very interesting.

Thank you, bitch.

People less sophisticated than ourselves might assume that this is a man

stumbling around intoxicated in his yard and should be handed over to the

authorities. Yes, but we know better.

These are sophisticated dance moves with great meaning.

Yes, it will take our scientist many centuries to interpret what he is saying

through the language of dance.

Yes, yes. The probability of him urinating in his own pants is zero.

Did you catch that, smart butthead?

He is expressing his earthly desire for fornication in a carton of smokes.

Ah, yes, yes, indeed.

Oh, look at this.

He is paying tribute to the god of fertility.

Yes, yes, by placing his hand near his earth penis. I believe this is how they

pledge allegiance.

Yes, yes.

The earth penis is a much less intelligent organ than our faith penis.

Yes, yes.

Primitive 16 -bit earth penis, yes, yes.

I do not understand what he appears to be doing now.

What is the meaning of this, smart butthead? He is performing the ancient

necessary before immersion in the basin of purification.

Ah, yes, indeed, yes, I believe you are correct, smart butthead, yes.

Humans must reach the exalted state they call crunk before immersion into the

pool of infinity.

Yes, yes, that pool, like the wisdom of Post Malone, is infinite.

Second verse, second verse, yeah, second verse.

This is very good, smart butthead. Yes, yes, very good.

I do not understand why it was not nominated for the Space Oscars.

Ah, yes, yes. It is a travesty.

Post Malone has become quite wealthy doing this. Yes, yes. It is no wonder

the Earthlings have made him their king.

What do those words on his face mean?

They mean one thing, smart Beavis.

Kidnap me and probe my anus. Yes, yes.

Perhaps we should lure him into our spacecraft with a 40 -ouncer and a pack

cigarettes. And take him to our home planet for study.

Yes, yes.

40 ounces is the optimal volume for malt liquor.

32 ounces does not get you messed up sufficiently.

And 52 ounces is too heavy to hold.

Yes, yes.

Do you think he would mind being probed? I do not think he would mind or notice.

Yes, yes.

Look upon these foolish humans, unaware their destruction is nigh.

Let us place the beacon here, in this temple of Comoros.

How primitive!

Yes, the convenience stores on our world are far more advanced.

Yes, yes, very primitive, yes.

It appears to be an obsolete form of nachos. Yes, quite archaic, yes.

Where is the space cheese?

Then look at this.

Primitive analog pornography.

Fascinating. We must take it for our research.

Now let us place the beacon to guide our space fleet to its prey.

But where shall we place it, Smart Beavis?

These days you gotta take out a mortgage just to buy some cold ones, I tell you

what.

Let us put the beacon in this chamber.

It should suffice. Yes, yes, a felicitous location, yes.

Well, hold on there, boys. You can't just take those magazines and go whack

in the bathroom.

I do not understand.

What do these words mean, whack off?

You know, choking the chicken, beating your meat,

spanking your monkey.

Son, I'm talking about masturbating. We have never heard of it. What is

masturbating?

You really don't know?

Oh, boy.

Well, all right. I guess I'll explain it to you then.

You see, sometimes a man... And that's pretty much the long

and short of it.

Fascinating. Your own schlong?

Quite fascinating, indeed.

We must try this immediately for research.

Indeed. We shall return immediately afterwards and place the beacon.

The research was a success.

Indeed. The old man's analysis of spanking your monkey was correct.

Quite accurate, yes. Let us go now and place the beacon.

First, we should conduct the research one more time.

Very well.

Research complete.

Let us place the beacon.

Or, we conduct the research one more time.

Yes. Yes, I agree, one more time, yes. We must be thorough, yes.

My slong hurts.

As does mine.

It is finally time to cease our research and plant the beacon.

Agreed. But first, one more time.

Set course for the navigation beacon.

I'm not detecting it, sir.

That's not possible.

We sent a team to plant it a week ago.

It was never turned on, sir. We have zero navigational data. No matter.

I became smart admiral because I am expert in navigating with that.

Smart Beavis and Smart Butthead, you failed to place the beacon. As a result,

our invasion fleet crashed into the moon, destroying over 40 ships and

Admiral Smart Van Driessen in the space emergency room.

You have disappointed us for the last time, okay?

Do you have anything to say before we pass sentence?

In our defense, Supreme Leaders, we have discovered something.

Indeed we did.

Something unknown to our planet called spanking your monkey. I will beam you

it works Very well, we will consider this

spanking your monkey in return with our birth

We will now vote on your sentence.

Death. Give them a billion dollars.

Throw them a parade.

Give them two billion dollars.

Rename the planet in their honor.

Sing songs of their triumph at every public gathering.

Let us consider the evidence one more time. Yes.

Agree.

You've got to be kidding me.

wish more people had come to our parade.

They're all at home, spanking their monkeys.

Thanks to what we learned from that old man, Earth -327Z would never be the same

again.

And that is why we are known as The Discoverer.